Inspired by the One-Liner Thread - Worst Pun You've Ever Heard

[Dirty Earthworm]

Personally, I think puns are to humor what Milwaukee's Best is to beer - an absolute last resort, and still not very enjoyable. But what the hell - lay 'em on me.

(I'd contribute one myself, but I hate Milwaukee's Beast, so you should know how I feel about puns.)


-Syko

[Zenster]

You about the swami who refused novocaine at the dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[donkeyoatey]

<-----I like that one but I think my sig and this one fit:

Aboy was bagging groceries at a local supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager "Sorry kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

[donkeyoatey]

If Ghandi had a short temper, bad breath, poor health and sore feet he would be a

super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Badtz Maru]

A spy had stolen some secret documents from a South American dictatorship. He fled into the jungle, and the Dictator sent his Number 1 General and a small army out to find him. A sudden rainstorm drenched the spy and the classified papers, but luckily he found an ancient pyramid in the middle of the jungle to hide in. He built a small fire inside to dry himself and the soaked documents. Unfortunately for him, the General saw the smoke rising from the pyramid from several miles off and quickly apprehended the spy. The moral of the story?

The searching general says that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.

[Dirty Earthworm]

<groan>

Well, I asked for it.

-Syko

[Salix]

Okay, you asked for it! Two campers are planning to go canoeing on a lake, but first they have to carry their canoe across a stream.

Camper 1: How are we going to get across this stream?

Camper 2: Well, we could always try rowing over there in our canoe, but I think it looks shallow enough to walk across.

Camper 1: Oh man! I just wanted to go on a nice trip, but now you have to go and turn it all into a big political debate!

Camper 2: Political debate? What do you mean?

Camper 1: What do I mean? Look at the situation we're in! We're talking about Row vs. Wade!

[vivalostwages]

Q. What do you call a knife that can slice four loaves of bread at the same time?

A. A four-loaf cleaver.

[Doug Bowe]

The great ballet master Rudolph Nureyev stepped outside for some fresh air when he met two fans. The two, a man and his wife, requested an autograph which Mr. Nureyev graciously provided.
Suddenly the sky opened to provide precipitation for the trio.
"Oh dear, snow," the lady commented.
"Is rain," said Nureyev.
"It looks like snow," she snorted.
"Is rain," said Nureyev.
"I think it's snow..."the lady started, when she was interrupted by her husband who said...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[SPOOFE]

There was once a doctor who, being overworked, decided to clone himself and split his workload in half. So he jumped into his Acme Clone-O-Matic and voila!, there was a second one of him. So he put the clone to work... but alas, he found that the clone was crude, rude, and downright filthy in his treatment of his patients. He'd mock fat people about their weight, he'd make passes at attractive females, and he'd tease young children ruthlessly.

Finally, the doctor had enough, and took the clone to the roof of the hospital to "talk things over". Except, instead of a discussion, the doctor just pushed his clone over the edge. The clone plummetted to his death. When the police came, they detained the doctor (there were many witnesses to the act), but couldn't figure out what to charge the doctor with. It really wasn't murder, they thought, since it was a clone... and it wasn't suicide, since the doctor was still alive.

Finally, the police chief stepped forward and slapped some handcuffs on the doctor and said, "You're under arrest."

Grinning smugly, the doctor asked, "On what charge?"

Equally smug, the chief replied, "Making an obscene clone fall."

[Anal Scurvy]

My friends, Joseph and Nick, were debating about the quality of Joseph's humour. Nick was tiring of his sarcasm and was pretty much begging for some new type of humour.

Joe made some sarcastic (of course) response and Nick retorted, "Yeah, because you're such a beatnik."

That's when Joe primly bopped Nick on the arm and waited for him to get the joke. I couldn't stop laughing.

[don't ask]

There was a crash yesterday involving a prison van and a cement mixer. All of the prisoners in the van escaped. Police say they are looking for seven hardened criminals.

[PlanMan]

A researcher at a large animal park was working on a formula for to make dolphins live forever. He was using various birds in the formula, and finally discovered that a certain sea bird was the key ingredient. They kept this kind of bird on the other side of the animal park. The professor went and got some of the birds, and was on his way back. He went past the tropical birds, he went past the bears, the birds we flapping and squawking, so he took a shortcut through the big cat exhibit. It was the middle of the afternoon, and they were just fed, and all of them were asleep. Two were across the path, just as he stepped over them, the police came and arrested him. "Officer, what am I being arrested for!?"
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"You are under arrest for transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises"

[sailor]

When Dan Quayle was running it was said he was asked what he thought about Roe Vs Wade and he said it was two different ways of crossing the Potomac.

.
Once, discussing visas, someone said a certain type of visas were reserved for people outstanding in their field and my friend said they must be for farmers because if "you are out, standing in your field, you must be a farmer"

A friend said he went out golfing with a guy with only one leg and my friend (same guy, incurable punster) said "at least he knows what his handicap is".

This guy makes puns like you wouldn't believe it. Non stop.

Definition of slow dancing: A navel engagement without loss of semen.


Then there was the native american who was the first one of his tribe to go to college and when he returned home he installed electric lighting in the toilet thereby becoming the first man to wire a-head for a reservation.

Ok, enough punishment

[GreatKingRat]

Did you hear about the eskimo that got stabbed with an icicle?

He died of cold cuts.



A psychic midget escaped from prison,the headlines read;

Small Medium At Large.

[Nymaz]

Did you know that yesterday a midget spiritualist escaped from jail? I just found out myself this morning when I read the
paper. The headline read:
"Small medium at large!"
;)

[Zenster]

There was a professor who studied carp fish. One day, while leaning over the tank, he dropped his wallet into the water.

Much to his amazement, the fish began to bounce the billfold back and forth between each other.

It was the first recorded case of carp to carp walleting.

[Treviathan]

A few from real life:

A couple of my friends were deciding what to make for dinner.
She: "I'd like to make perogies tonight."
He: "Well, I guess that's your perogie-tive."

My girlfriend was helpfully letting me know that my toque was on backwards.
GF: "Your toque's on the wrong way. You've got the seam at the front, but it's supposed to be at the back."
Me(looking in a mirror): "Ah, so it seems."

[sailor]

Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?


A. It's f**king close to water!

[Dirty Earthworm]

Good one.

[Cardinal]

Two south-European lawyers are hunting in Alabama. One is eaten by a bear. His friend runs and finds the sheriff. They run back and find that the bear has been joined by its mate.

"Which one ate him?" asks the sheriff.

"The big one! The male!" shouts the lawyer.

The sheriff shoots the smaller one.

"Why did you do that?!" complains the lawyer.

"Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

[Mofo Rising]

Okay, this is bad and definitely not the worst pun I've ever heard, but it's been cracking me up for the better part of the day.

I was eating my paltry Thanksgiving meal at a local steakhouse today when I told my roommate that he should have this exchange with the waitress.

"Do you serve eggs here?" (Eggs are not on the menu.)
"Eggs?" (Confused. Who orders eggs at a steakhouse?)
"Eggs-actly." (Pronounced in a knowing, pleased-as-punch voice.)

I don't know how that translates into text, or if it was ever funny in the first place, but I like it.

[TN*hippie]

A psychotic sex offender escapes from a mental institution and goes straight to a laundromat where he uses his sociopathic charm to seduce two women. The cops know his MO and are on the scene quickly, but this guy is fast-- he has sex with the women and manages to escape on foot before the police arrive.

Next day's headline?
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Nut Screws Washers and Bolts


___________________
Please (forgive me),
TN*hippie

[GIGObuster]

I think I saw this one in the boards before:

A ship carrying red paint collides with a ship carrying purple paint.



The survivors are all marooned.

[ferrisgirl]

Originally posted by Mofo Rising
"Do you serve eggs here?" (Eggs are not on the menu.)
"Eggs?" (Confused. Who orders eggs at a steakhouse?)
"Eggs-actly." (Pronounced in a knowing, pleased-as-punch voice.)

nice yolk.

it reminds me of another waitress/customer exchange:
"are these napkins sanitary?"
"yes, of course."
"well are they sanitary napkins?"

[Rhubarb]

The music teacher at a local high school was famous for his mercurial temper. Not a single class went by that he didn't turn purple with ire, throw his baton to the floor and stomp out of the band hall to cool off. On one particular day, he became so angered at his first chair flutist, that he threw the baton at her. It struck her directly in the heart and killed her instantly. His trial was very quick, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. Very soon the day came when he was shaved down, lubed up and strapped in. The order was given, the switch was thrown and a zillion volts of electricity was applied. The band teacher sat there completely unaffected. They tried a second time, with even more voltage. No affect. A third try proved equally fruitless. Finally, the warden asked the man "Why aren't you dead?" To which the guilty man replied, "I'm afraid I never was a very good conductor."

(You did say BAD puns, after all)

[Weirddave]

A friend of mine once picked up a bone that his dog had left in the family room and threw it out the sliding glass door. It hit a ceramic windchime shaped like Mickey that his mom had hanging on the patio and broke it. I promptly told him "People with glass mouses shouldn't throw bones". I'm still amazed I thought that quickly.

[Shade]

I was once involved in a competition with the maths society at my uni, (I came third) and most rounds were tricky problem things, but one was "Write a menu involving at least 20 mathematical puns." I've earned undying gratitude by losing my entry, but suffice it to say, had abelian grapes and eta beta pie, and got worse.

[TN*hippie]

(with apologies, no, blame to Spider Robinson)


I was visiting a friend in Georgia who lived out in the country. We were walking down a red-clay dirt road when we came upon an old black man who was pounding the road with a huge mallet. I asked what he was doing and he explained that it was his job to keep the surface of the lane smooth and firmly packed so it wouldn't get ruts from rain and wear. He went on to say that where we were walking was, at one time, a grove of nut trees. He concluded:
"Muh hammuh'd alley used to be cashew's clay."
I looked at my friend skeptically, but he nodded toward the old guy and said:
"He's the gradist."

______________________
boat like a flutter by,
bring Ike a tea....
TN*hippie

[aegypt]

How about this little gem?

A Frenchman recently managed to steal several valuable paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, and putting the paintings in his van, he was captured only two blocks away when the Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how a criminal mastermind such as himself could make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[rimshot]

[scr4]

Heard on Car Talk:

A woman gives up her twins for adoption. One is adopted by a Spanish family and named Juan. The other is adopted by an Egyptian family and named Amal. Many years later she received a photo of Juan. She remarked to her friend that she had a photo of the other child as well. The friend says: "Why? They're twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[bender]

Why do elephants have big ears ??

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom !!

[bender]

True Story (not)

Local guy, Bruce, loved tractors. He had at least 30 tractors on his farm, old tractors, new tractors, broken down tractors, tractors in various states of repair, tractors awating repairs, friends tractors, tractors everywhere.

His ever suffering wife told him one night, either the tractors go, or I go, you're obssessed !. So wanting to save his marraige, he ditched the lot.

five years later....

Bruce is in a diner on his yearly visit to the city. Across the road a fire breaks out in a book store. Bruce runs over, into the store, and in one breath sucks in all the smoke allowing the trapped people inside a chance to escape. Once outside, he blows the smoke into the air

He's a Hero, says everybody.

No, I'm not, says Bruce, I'm just an ex-tractor fan !!!

[bender]

Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader are toe to toe, battling it out on the Death Star.

Darth Vader "Luke, I know what you're getting for Xmas"
Luke Skywalker "Huh"

DV "Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you're getting for Xmas"
LS "Cut it out, get on with it"

DV "Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you're getting for Xmas"

Luke, turns of his light saber, says "what are you on about, old man"

DV "Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you're getting for Xmas, I felt your presents"

[LouisB]

A guy goes into a restaraunt on Christmas Day and orders poached eggs with Hollandaise sauce. When his order arrives at his table, the Hollandaise sauce is served in a hubcap. When he asks the waitress why this should be, she replies:

"There is no place like chrome for the Hollandaise."

[RedNaxela]

Originally posted by don't ask
There was a crash yesterday involving a prison van and a cement mixer. All of the prisoners in the van escaped. Police say they are looking for seven hardened criminals.

I thought that was when the prison van collided with a truck full of Viagra...

Last night, several criminals broke into our local police station and stole all of the urinals. Police have nothing to go on.


RedNaxela

[whatever1]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

[bender]

Ham Sandwich walks into a bar

Barman says "we don't serve Ham Sandwich's here"

"Great" says the ham sandwich, "'cause I'm after a drink"

-------------------------------------------------------

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face !?"

-------------------------------------------------------

(long)
Bar owner in a new part of town. Across the road is a building site for a new apartment block. He's used to the builders coming into the bar shortly after the hooter goes for quitting time.

One day, after the hooter, a duck walks into the bar, hard-hat on, tool belt around his waist, asks for a beer.

"But you're a duck !" says the barman. "Yeah !" goes the duck, "you getting that beer, or what".

"But you talk !" goes the barman. "Yeah, and I do plastering as well. About that beer !" replies the duck

"OK", replies the barman, and gets the duck the beer. "You should go see a friend of mine, 'Zesti the majician', he runs the local circus, I'm damn sure he could use someone with talents like yours", he continues.

"Whatever", replies the duck and finishes his beer, and leaves.

Next day, the duck strolls in after the hooter sounds, props himself up on a stool, orders a beer. "Went to see that mate of yours, Zesti" says the duck. "Great" replies the barman, "how'd ya go ?"

"I dunno" replied the duck, "what does a bloke who lives in a big tent want with a plasterer !!"

[meyer]

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve string in this bar! Get out of here!"
So the two pieces of string walk outside and try to decide what to do. One of them has an idea - he ties himself up and unravels himself at either end. He walks back into the bar.
The bartender says "Hey, I thought I told you, we don't serve string! Are you a piece of string?"
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot"

BADOOM-CHING!

[Lemur866]

As everyone knows, the debate on cloning has become more and more intense. In fact several people, including legendary basketball great Kareem Abdul Jabaar, have already cloned themselves and had the clones put in cryogenic suspension for use later. However, the law hasn't caught up with the technology, so no one knows if it should even be legal to make iced Kareem clones.

[bender]

Eskimo goes to the repair shop to collect his snowmobile.

"Looks like you've blown a seal" says the mechanic.

Replies the Eskimo, "Have not, it's icecream !!"

[vivalostwages]

Did you hear about the moron who got his wife pregnant 29 times?
He was more on than off.

[Achernar]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at a table, and curtly orders a sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the panda promptly gobbles it down. As the waiter is bringing the check, the panda nonchalantly pulls out a gun and blows the waiter's brains out. Gun still smoking, the panda begins to storm out of the bar. "Wait!" yells the bartender. "You just shot my waiter, and, and, you still haven't paid for that sandwich!" The panda turns around, and with rage in his eyes, yells back, "I'm a panda lady! Look it up!" Shocked and bewildered, the bartender pulls out a dictionary and checks the entry:

panda: A bearlike Asian mammal with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

[Rhubarb]

A few centuries ago, a church in a small town advertised an opening for someone to ring the bells at the church. As the pay was rather low, only one applicant showed up, and he had no arms. The pastor asks "How will you pull the ropes with no arms?" The man replied "I may not have arms, but I can do this." And promptly ran face first into the church bell, which responded with a clear lovely peal. The pastor was aghast at the idea of the man bludgeoning himself this way, but the man pleaded with him and he relented. So the man lived in the bell tower, and each day at the appointed hours, would literally throw himself into his work. Unfortunately, near the end of a particularly busy day, bell-wise, the man, somewhat dazed, lost his balance, completely missed the bell, and hurtled to his death in the courtyard below. A small group of people immediately formed, as is the wont in these types of situations. Someone in the crowd asked if anyone knew who this armless man was, to which another replied, "I'm not sure of his name, but his face rings a bell."

By a bizarre twist of fate, the dead man happened to have an identical twin, who showed up at the church a few weeks later. The pastor was quite startled to see exact likeness of his former employee, and even more surprised when he applied for the same job. As the pastor was getting tired of ringing the bells himself, and the man was quite earnest in his desire, the pastor allowed him to take his sibling's place in the belltower. As you may have already forseen, it wasn't too much longer that the second brother was found dead in the courtyard by a curiously familiar mob. Again, the question of identity was raised, and a voice responded, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~--------------
I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.

[C K Dexter Haven]

Young Hamlet said, "Far from sublime,
The food at this inn is a crime.
For the flavor at hand
Is exceedingly bland,
And I find that the joint's out of thyme."

[auRa]

a man with only one leg and no arms was slowly making his way down an english country road. all of a sudden, a local man in his morris mini pulled up next to the fellow and exclaimed: "oi! you look 'armless! 'op in!"

ehhee... :rolleyes:

[TheNerd]

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He called his sons together to give instructions for his legacy. The dying old man says: "Sons, the one thing I always wanted to do but never had the chance to was be a rancher. I want you to take your inheritance, and buy a ranch." The sons love their father, so they agree.
"But dad", they say "what should we call it? Ranches need names."
The father says, "Call it 'Focus'. That's where the mourning sons raise meat."

[whatever1]

Three moles are sitting around in their mole hole bored as can
be. One mole gets a bright idea to band together to look
for honey.

All three moles agree and proceed to search for honey. Since the
mole passageways are very narrow, all three moles have to line
up single file during their search. Suddenly, the first mole
yells out to the other two,"Hey, do you guys smell honey?"

The third mole pipes up and says "All I can smell from here is
molasses".

[ITR champion]

A doctor is giving a routine checkup to a pirate when he notices that there's a steering wheel attached to the guy's penis.

"Isn't that kind of annoying", the doctor asks.

"Arrr", the pirate responds, "it's driving me nuts."

[Jervoise]

A man, whom we shall call him Charles, is cheating on his wife, named Lorraine. His secret affair is hotting up and with his mistress, Deirdre, Charlie plans to kill Lorraine.

The murder is carried out forthwith and finally free of his wife, Charles disappears with Deirdre to their new life together, singing:

I can see Deirdre now
Lorraine has gone...



:)

[capacitor]

Oh I got one.

A 10-year old prodigy was doing a recital of one of Beethoven's famous piano sonatas. He played it so poorly, the police came and arrested his music teacher. The charge: Corruption of a minor.

[Lectricity]

Next time you find yourself looking for the milk at a grocery store, just find the nearest employee and ask "Where is your dairy area?"
-Sorry, Lec.

[don't ask]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Of couse ther was the man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Myron Van Horowitzski]

Well, many years ago when the Braves still played in Milwaukee, they had on their team one Mill Famey, the renowned relief pitcher.

One day the Braves were losing at the top of ninth, so the manager decided to put Mill in. Unfortunately, a zealous fan near the bullpen had been slipping beers to Mill all during the game, so that by the time he went to the mound he was pretty snockered. He pitched miserably, finally giving up a walk with the bases loaded. The Braves couldn't catch up and lost the game.

As the opposing team left the stadium, they walked past the bullpen where the case of empties sat. One stopped and said:

"That's the beer that made Mill Famey walk us!"

[rmbnxs]

Once a friend and I were walking past a Mormon church on our way home from a party. My friend looked at the church and asked, "Do Mormons go to Hell?" I immediately responded: "Mormons do than womens."

Groan.