Teach me to pick up chicks. Men's & Women's opinions wanted.

[novacaine]

I have never in my life been good at picking up girls. I never really had a need to learn to do so through high school (where most guys learn this skill) b/c I always had a steady girlfriend. Now I have been single for quite a long time b/c I don't know how to approach women I don't know. This is very frusterating to me and I would like any suggestions you brillant people of the SDMB have to offer. I don't know how much it matters but I will in case it does I will tell you that I am 21 years old and currently live in Panama City, Fl. Any help will be greatly appreciated. I would like to ask that you don't give me lousy pick-up lines b/c I'm really not the Pick-up line type. Thanks in advance.

[LolaBaby]

Go out with your work friends, they must have friends that are single women. Organize a weekend cookout at your house and have them bring over single women they know.

Are you attending school?

[kuroashi]

Hang out at strip bars
Give waitresses really big tips
Wear cologne in your hair

These have never worked for me, but I always thought it would be funny if they did actually work for someone.
Do your own thing. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Well, that's kinda why you wrote this, huh, you're not comfortable. All I had to do was learn to push myself into situations I wasn't otherwise comfortable with. This may not be what you had in mind, but you can choose going through uncomfortableness over going around it.

In any case, be yourself when you do find someone to consider. Talk about what you're interested in, and fercrisesakes ask the girl some questions, even think of some things to ask her before hand. Spontaneous is great and all, but a few preliminary ideas never hurt.

[novacaine]

No I am not attending school right now. I almost wish I was for the sole reason of meeting people. I don't go out with my friends from work b/c I really don't have any. I work pretty much alone during the night shift at work. I have tried to have my friends introduce me to thier single friends but all my friends have SO and don't really have many single friends besides me. thanks for the advice though. I will keep these things in mind.

[LolaBaby]

Go to bookstores, strike up conversations. I really hate to tell you to go to bars to meet women, because that really isn't the best place (believe me, I've hung out in bars, and it isn't the best place).

I don't know what to say because I don't know how outgoing you are, and what may be easy for me (striking up conversations) may not be easy for you. :\

[yosemite]

Take one or two classes, on anything that strikes your fancy - poetry, or woodworking, or pottery, or whatever.

You don't have to take a class for any other purpose than because it is a subject that interests you. Then, if you meet some nice girls there, you already have something to talk about. If you don't meet any nice girls there, you still are attending a class about something that you are interested in. Sounds like a win-win situation.

[ageless6]

I suggest the fireman's carry.

On a lighter note, use every bit of humor you can muster. Women love men who can make them laugh.
And try, try, try not to look desperate. Flop-sweat will immediately count you out.

[grimpixie]

Drop terms like "pick up chicks" from your vocabulary...

[John Carter of Mars]

Originally posted by grimpixie
Drop terms like "pick up chicks" from your vocabulary...

Replace "pick up chicks" with: "Wanna dance?" Summer is rapidly approaching. Unless things have changed a great deal since I was single and living in Panama City, you'll have plenty of opportunities to practice your lines. :D Good Luck!

[CalMeacham]

I could tell you how not to do it. I was phenomenally unsuccessful. And, just for the record, I tried a lot of the above suggestions. I took classes, volunteered for things, tried to meet women outside of bars. Tried to meet women in bars. And none of my friends ever seemed to have any unattached female friends. I've tried personal ads and dating services.

Of course, I'm married now. Occasuionally a burst of luck helps, I guess. I met her at a science fiction convention, if that helps.

[blanx]

Lift with your legs, not with your back. Some chicks can be heavy.

[EVO95]

Get married.

[Green Bean]

See, trying to "pick up" women is a doomed exercise. Many women don't respond well to being approached by strangers. Not because they are paranoid or anything, but because it's obvious that a guy trying to pick them up is only attracted because of outward physical characteristics. If the woman in question is a) immediately physically attracted to you, and b) not put off by your approach and c) not seeing anyone and d) looking to meet someone, then you might have a chance. But how often are the planets gonna line up like that. (Unless you use the Boomhauer approach, which I would not recommend.)

Instead of trying to figure out how to pick up chicks, you should be trying to meet new people, try new things. If you get to know a nice girl and ask her out on a date, then that's a bonus.

But if you are not interested in meeting new people, and really only want to pick up chicks, then I guess I do recommend the Boomhauer approach.

[Vinnie Virginslayer]

Have you tried a club? :D

Or, "Hey, sugar, I'm on the Olympic Sex Team. Want to help me practice for the gold?"

But seriously ladies and germs . .

First off, I am assuming you are a half way decent looking fellow. If not, make sure that physically, you are someone that at least some women would be interested in.

You can't change your face on the cheap (and actually, many women are turned on by ugly but otherwise hot men), but major turnoffs for women are being overweight, dressing like a slob, facial hair (goatees are fine), being a drunk (though pot works on a lot of girls your age), cursing, being crude, and basically carrying yourself like a loser or on the other end, someone who is arrogant.

So, make sure you have your act straightened out,. Get out of the tee-shirts and baseball hats, and get a stylish haircut. Read up on the latest fashions, and even when dressing casually, you can still look like a million bucks. Workout. Many women are turned off by muscleheads, but of you can at least get some rips going, you turn heads.

Now, picking up girls: don't try. Make friends, male or female. Get involved in an activity that you would enjoy, but you know some women are in as well. Mens softball wont get you chicks, but perhaps volunteering with a church or with a youth group working with kids will score tons of poomtang.

Back to freinds-Preferably female, even if you have no interest in them, and this is why: the more female freinds you have, chances are, one of them will get jealous and want to date you.

But if you go out socially, dont go with your tongue hanging out, and your eyes bulging out of your head. Instead, go there with the goal of successfully mingling (might want to take some books out on "working the room"). If you give off some charisma, and come across as a good guy, eventually women will notice you as a guy they want to be with.

Another good book I reccomend is "How to Make Luck". It wont teach you to pick up chicks, but will give you some skills that will not only better your life, but will attract success, and certainly banging hot broads is part of that I'm sure.

In a nutshell, make yourself into someone that women want to have hot monkey love with and that dudes want to hang with becuase it makes them look cool.

Listen to your uncle Vinnie, son, and you will get more pussy than you can dig with a shovel!

[Tranquilis]

How best to "pick up chicks"? Don't try.

Seriously. I'm firmly of the belief that women can smell desperation. So don't try. Instead, get to know women. Talk to them, be helpful and friendly. Get a life that doesn't revolve around a quest for a "Significant Other". I'm also firmly of the opinion that women find relaxed, friendly, self-confident, helpful men to be desirable.

The main drawback (if it is one, that is) to this approach is that the women that want to date you will be looking for longer-term relationships. You may find yourself getting engaged, or maybe even (Shock! Horror!) getting married.

YMMV

[Ferret Herder]

Agreed with Tranquilis about desperation being a turnoff - I have never had such luck finding men who were interested in me as when I was already dating someone. My best guess is that I just seemed more relaxed and self-confident that way, rather than (probably not even consciously, on my part) sizing them up and being concerned about if the guy liked me or not. It sounds counterproductive, but don't go out with the intent of "picking up" a woman. Try to just be a decent, friendly guy who wants to have some fun by going to movies, participating in activities, etc.

[Cheesesteak]

There's some real good advice here, the ones I would focus on are:

Appearance - make the effort to look nice
Desperation - very unattractive, you are worth going out with, don't forget it
Make Friends - when you talk to a woman, don't focus on getting in the sack, or setting up the marriage, just make friends

If you can get these things down, you'll be a whole lot ahead of me.

[Giraffe]

Vinnie Virginslayer is a clearly a man of wisdom in these matters. Who else could offer such sage advice intermingled with phrases like "banging hot broads"? Seriously, listen to what he said. Cool haircut is a must. Work out -- even if there's no obvious physical difference, it does increase confidence. Improve your wardrobe, if you're wearing t-shirts and baseball caps.

But the number one single most important thing is confidence. As people have said, that usually means trying to meet women in places where you'll be comfortable (e.g. bookstores, church groups, etc.) instead of places where you're already intimidated (bars, dance clubs, etc.)

I would add that it also means changing your perspective a bit. If you ask someone out and they decline, you are far cooler than if you didn't ask anyone. A week in which I asked out three people was a good week, because I was taking chances and living life, not sitting at home too scared to make a move. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, and you should focus on that if you're rejected, not on why you didn't succeed with that particular person.

So approach someone with a friendly, "what the heck?" attitude. Talk to them, flirt a bit, gently inquire if they might like to do something some time (e.g. coffee). If they say no, grin and thank them. You'll be surprised at how often this works.

And finally, never forget:

1. Women like to be asked out, even if they're not interested. It's a compliment. You're doing a good thing, just by asking.
2. There's a lot more guys who aren't making moves than guys who are. Many women who seem way too hot for you aren't dating anybody, because guys aren't asking.

[handy]

Well, don't call them 'chicks' for starters, they aren't chickens.

Borrow a: cute puppy, kitten, or baby. These are big magnets.

Try to dress & look nice, without your pants down around your knees.

There are also online dating websites- those broads are easy pickings :-)

[cornflakes]

novacaine, I don't have much to add, but the fact that you are asking about this seems like a good start to me. I wish you luck, and hope that you pay as much attention to the women you are interested in as you do to the answers given here.

[Clever Hans]

As said before, don't go out with the intention of picking up a girl. Make your rounds be confident, pleasant, upbeat, light, and funny, remember these people are out for a good time. Don't ask for a date unless things just go extremely well. If it's a place she comes to fairly often show up a couple of times and if you see her, initiate another conversation. After a few nights of this ask for her number, if she's interested go for it, if not, you have a buddy at the new place.

There is always the second approach, show no shame. Go up to any woman you find attractive and start up conversation. You said no pick up lines and thats probably a good idea. Be flirty but not aggressive, above all else though be confident.

[Silentgoldfish]

Problems: I've always made friends with girls: upshot is that I've got tonnes of girls who are friends but no girlfriend.

And babys and puppys don't work.

[B. Serum]

Since you don't innately have the knack, or you wouldn't be on a chat board asking such a question, you gotta learn about it.

Go to Amazon and do a search for some of the following titles.


How to Succeed With Women by Ron Louis, David Copeland

The Guide: The Essential Resource Book For Picking Up Girls by John Colt, Nicholas Adams

The Rules for Getting Laid (The Rules for Life Series) by David Graff, et al

How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You by Leil Lowndes

Don't Be Afraid To Ask : How To Date A Beautiful Woman by Dr. Bob Lott

Nice Guys And Players : Becoming The Man Women Want by Rom Wills



That's just a quick search done in Amazon. Feel free to do your own. You could probably fill a library with all that has been written on this subject.

Or if you're a total cheapskate, go to Maxim Online and peruse their site. I recall them having a section on tips for meeting women.

Personally, I've only read some of one of those books. My impression of it is that the authors (of this particular title) are pretty much slimeball players out to add notches in their bedposts. However, they do know what women find attractive and what they don't. So, take their knowledge and use your powers for good not evil.

[pesch]

Believe it or not, I can add something.

You are the man. Work with me here a moment. Stop laughing, OK?

By that, I mean, you are the man, when you are asked to make a decision: MAKE IT.

Her: "Where do you want to go eat?"

His: "Oh, I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

This is incorrect. She didn't want to get into a discussion. She wants to eat. Feed her. Make the decision. If you're uncomfortable deciding, offer a choice.

Her: "Where do you want to go eat?"

His: "I like (choice 1) or (choice 2). What do you like?"

Her: "Either one is fine."

His: "All right. (Choice 1) it is."

Her: "Great! Can I go down on you first?"

See how easy it is?

Now that I'm married and safely (and gratefully) out of the pool, I get to listen to my wife, her sister, her friends talk about men, and while dealing with the trogladytes they laugh at, what really spins them up are men who can't make a freakin' decision .

[!ceQueen]

Try to figure out what the girl you want to approach is thinking. It's not that hard. Really. Look at the circumstances. If she's looking at her watch standing at a bus stop, say something to the effect "Them buses sure take a while, eh?" If she's shivering, say "It sure is cold!"

If you manage to synch into her thoughts successfully, she will smile at you. And that's a good thing.

The approach part is done. Take the conversation from there.

[Merrin]

If all else fails, and I know this isn't helpful, but beer goggles work great. Drink enough and any pull is a good pull.

Hmm regressing back to my teenage years there for a moment.

Seriously, believe in yourself, like yourself and other people will too.

Merrin

[KellyM]

Be gentle, try not to break their wings or twist their necks, and whatever you do, don't step on them. They make a really nauseating crunchy sound under your feet.

[novacaine]

Perhaps I wrong in useing the term "pick-up chicks". Thinking about it that sounds like I am just looking to find random girls to sleep with. That isn't at all me. What i guess I really want to know is "How do I meet women?" I am not the type to just go out and sleep with chicks. I am more looking for a way to attract decent women with the intention of starting a relationship. I understand that you can't go into a first date with the intention of a long term relationship or marrige and that never is my intention. My problem is getting that first date. In the past I have never really had a problem hooking-up once I get a girl out on a date. So really it's just a matter of getting that date that is the problem. Just thought I'd clarify.

[Neptune]

They can smell fear!

[Already in Use]

Three words:

Lick your eyebrows.

[Tranquilis]

Originally posted by novacaine
What i guess I really want to know is "How do I meet women?" Ah!

So, you want to meet women, not specifically "pick them up"? This is slightly different. First, you've gotta screw-up your courage to the sticking point and open your mouth. I realize that for the terminally shy (I was, once, and I know!), it's hard to say that first "hello".

Comment on on something non-personal, that you both obviously have in common. The weather is always a stand-by, but is kinda over-done. Maybe the wait for the buss? Or if you're at work, the recent changes in the office decor? You get the idea. If she responds at all, introduce yourself. Do not give your life history, just your name. If she's interested, or at least not totally turned off, she'll give you her name. Ask her opinion on the subject you raised, and try to keep the conversation focused around her. If she wants to know more about you, she'll ask.

Don't push, don't pry, and keep it light. Stay away from potential hot-button topics at first: If she wishes to discuss Femminism in the Post-Modern Era, she'll let you know.

Be prepared to back off. If you start getting mono-syllabic answers, gracefully excuse yourself. Forcing an unwanted conversation is a sure-fire way to be labeled a 'creep', while a graceful exit should leave you a chance to try again later. After all, maybe she was thinking about something else, or had a bad morning.

Don't over-stay your welcome. Rambling on and on will turn most women completely off.

Don't dwell on yourself. Most people find that boring, even if you're a super-hero. It she wants to know about you, she'll ask. Until she does, keep the conversation on her (without getting creepy).

Boldness sometimes pays off unexpectedly. If she smells nice, ask her the name of her purfume or cologne. Tell her that like the way it smells on her. If she's dressed in a manner that you particularly like, tell her so (Don't get graphic!). Women like to be complimented, as long as you don't lay it on with excessive thickness. Remember: There's a fine line between Blarney and Baloney.

If it feels silly, keep trying: Fake it until you make it.

Before all else, be yourself, and let the girl be herself.

[Maeglin]

You and I are in a similar position. I did not develop these social skills in high school because I was not interested (read: too immature), and I was in a serious, committed relationship for just about 5 years once I hit college.

So here I am, age 24, with No. Fucking. Clue.

So I will share with you the best advice I have heard to date.

If you are trying to jump back into the pool and are having trouble making random contact with attractive women, then stop. Do it gradually. Strike up a random conversation with the elderly lady behind you at the grocery store. Talk to the stoner clerk at the video place. Say something nice to a random person on the subway.

You will find that the more you are able to do this, the less nervous you will be when you finally approach that girl you are interested in meeting. Furthermore, regular, friendly contact with random strangers hones your perception. You start seeing things about other people that can serve as fodder for casual talk.

So just do this for awhile. Get in the habit of being friendly. You will actually enjoy the good vibes you get from people. Sure, it's not the same thing as having a girlfriend, but when that marvelous woman crosses your path eventually, you will be cool, confident, poised, and perhaps most of all, perceptive.

Good luck.

MR

[Gatopescado]

not that i would ever actually follow this advise, but the truth is:

money and drugs

that is all i have ever seen really work! sad but true.....

__________
"How perfectly Goddamn delightful it all is, to be sure!"- R. Crumb

[handy]

money & drugs?

Not according to Nash:
Candy is Dandy
But Liquor is Quickor

You could add
"But pot is not"

Find the most beautiful hair cutter you can & have her cut your hair & you can talk to her then for
practice. Practice, not to ask her out.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

On a different message board, full of modern-day Casanovas (okay, it was a Dungeons and Dragons messageboard, if you must know), the same topic came up. The best advice anyone gave apparently came from a movie; the poster called it the Tao of Steve.

The Tao of Steve had three parts. Lemme see if I can remember, and paraphrase:

1) Be desireless. This is what folks have talked about, and I've found it to be completely true. I've been in three relationships in my life, and all of them started when I wasn't looking for a relationship. When I *was* looking, I got all frightened and desperate and nervous and clammy. Woo hoo, sexy boy! When I wasn't looking for a relationship, I could be natural and wry and a little flirty without worrying about Whether This Could Turn Into Something Real. Be desireless.
2) Be excellent. Do something interesting, and do it well. You want people (specifically, attractive women) to notice you. You don't need to be captain of the lacrosse team; I've been noticed for being a good cook, or for knowing cool little tidbits about the woods where I live. Don't be afraid to share what you can do (at the same time, don't flog your talents to death). Be excellent.
3) Be scarce. If you dance with someone and you take a step back, they take a step forward to compensate. If you keep stepping forward, they step back to compensate. You need to make sure that you give the other person a chance to step forward. Don't always be around; don't be clingy. Be scarce.

Anyway, these seemed like good ideas to me. #1 is the most important, I think.

Someone in that thread linked to some Men's Rules for Dating site that was pretty terrible: it was all about Women Want This and Successful Men Do That. Crap, I say -- and furthermore, I wouldn't want to be involved with a woman who took things like that as gospel.

Daniel

[handy]

Daniel
, have you read a book, THE RULES? Its small paperback, women actually think that stuff works.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I've heard of THE RULES, but I've not read it; frankly, what I've heard of it sounds repugnant to me.

I generally think that any sound relationship advice doesn't make reference to gender (except for things like Wear a Condom, you Fool). Anything that starts with, "Women love it when..." or "Guys are turned off by..." pisses me off, just as I'd be pissed by a book with sentences like, "Black people really like..." or "You can tell if a Jew is interested because...."

Sure, things like THE RULES might get you into bed with someone. But probably not with anyone that I'd respect much. And I definitely wouldn't have respected myself if I'd used a self-help book to start my relationship.

That's why I liked the Tao of Steve advice: it deals with human psychology, not war-between-the-sexes psychology.

Daniel