friend failed the friend test

[secretkeeper78]

So, I was at my friends' house the other night. we will call her Lisa. and we called our other friend, we'll call her Sarah.
Lisa started talking bad about me to Sarah, as a test, while I was sitting there. While Sarah had no idea that I was still at Lisa's house. she just wanted to see what she would say. well, she agreed with everything she said. and even through in her two cents and i am really quite pissed.
In a way, I want to confront her. But I really don't like confrontation. I would rather avoid her. but then she is going to wonder why I am avoiding her. I never really liked her that much to begin with, I just can't seem to get rid of her and she happens to live right up the road from me. She is actually one reason I would consider selling my house. she is constantly in my business. even when I don't tell her, she finds out. I am 23 years old and she is only 19! she thinks she knows everything. I have told her to bud out in the past, and it hasn't worked.
does anyone have any advice? I am suppose to go spend the night with her tonight, or she asked me to, since her parents are out of town and she doesn't want to be alone. but after what she did, i really don't want to be around her, but I don't want to rat on my other friend. Lisa wanted me to talk about her to sarah and see what she said. but I couldn't bring myself to say anything bad about my friend. true or untrue.

[Johnny L.A.]

Well... "If you don't want to know the answer to a question, don't ask it."
but after what she did, i really don't want to be around her
What about what you did to her? Friends don't go around spying on each other, nor do they administer secret "tests" to determine if someone is really a friend.

I know that's not the answer you were looking for. Sorry.

[Meatros]

OK, first I deplore the methods you used to find out about "Sarah". It was immature and childish-what did you expect to happen?

Now, I think you should confront Sarah. Tell her your feelings. It will be hard, but you'll get what you need to get said.

[FairyChatMom]

This struck me as very junior-high-ish - I couldn't believe when I read the ages involved.

My experiences in the adult world: You won't like everyone, you won't like everything about your friends, your friends won't like everything about you, so you accept this and accept them, or you dissolve the friendship and seek out others. Or you spend a miserable life alone.

If there's nothing about Sarah that is worth your time, break it off. But don't keep playing the silly "friend test" games. There's some free advice - worth exactly what you paid for it.

[Ringo]

Are you kidding?

Really, this thread is just a test, isn't it?

[El Elvis Rojo]

Yeah, what you did was really dumb, but we've all done some stupid shit in the past that's fairly similar (or maybe just me), so we can't judge too much. Just think how you'd feel if she found out that you did it from "Lisa" and she got pissed. Or that someone did the same to you.
Anyway, something you have to know is that friends bitch about friends to other friends. Sometimes, friend A will do something to upset you, and so you'll confide in friend B that A's being a total asshole. B will agree with you, point out a few other occassions where similar events have happened, but if you're all good friends, will do it in a way to help you calm down, and also throw in a few "well, you have to understand, A is just like that," or similar things to help say "Yeah, I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be, but B's not a bad person, so deal with it and move on." B can do this and still consider themselves A's friend, becasue they're playing councilor to you, and although they may agree with you on some points, so what? Everybody has friends who they find some fault with. Just because you bitch about them doesn't mean they're not your friends.
Sarah probably saw Lisa as having an issue with you, so she was being supportive of her friend Lisa. That doesn't mean she doesn't consider you a friend. And, anything she said to Lisa is supposed to be confidential, so confronting her about it isn't a good idea. Or at least, not a direct confrontation. Mention that you've had some issues with Lisa that make you curious "What do my other friends think about me?" and bring that up to Sarah. "Is there anything I do that pisses you off on a fairly regular basis?" It's a simple way to bring it up without accusing her of talking bad about you, and hopefully it will spark some good, healthy conversation. Or, it could just cause a fight, so who knows?

[Tansu]

Consider this experience an opportunity to learn that setting up secret "friend tests" is not a very wise plan.

Consider also the contradiction between your statement "I never really liked her that much to begin with, I just can't seem to get rid of her and she happens to live right up the road from me. She is actually one reason I would consider selling my house." and the fact that you refer to Sarah as a "friend" in your thread title, and in your post.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with El Elvis Rojo that friends do sometimes bitch about each other,and that friends don't like 100% of things about each other.

Do remember though (or take the opportunity to learn), that friendship is, shall we say, generally believed to be more about sharing times together than about manipulation and psychodrama. Secret friend tests fall very definitely into the latter category, and I have to admit that I am surprised that you hav not left such childish things far behind you.

[Amp]

Originally posted by Ringo
Are you kidding?

Really, this thread is just a test, isn't it?

Yes it is, and you failed just by posting to it.

[istara]

I am 23 years old
Then act like it. You're an adult, if you don't like a friend, end the friendship. Don't play stupid little junior school games. So you don't want to go round to this girl's house? Don't go. Make up a polite excuse, or just tell her bluntly why you don't want to go.

[Gazelle]

Lisa sounds more scary to me than Sarah does. What kind of a
"friend" plays games like that?

Who knows why Sarah agreed - maybe it was to have something in common with Lisa, to bond with her. Maybe she doesn't really agree with Sarah... maybe she's a wishy-washy ditz with no opinions.

And was the stuff Lisa said that outrageous? Maybe she was trying to give you a not-so-subtle hint about some of your foibles.

I'd dump both of them. Like my girl Mary J. says, "No more drama."

[Fiver]

23 and already a homeowner? I'm impressed.

Yeah, that's all I have to contribute.

[velvetjones]

Someone once gave me this friendship test. I was in 3rd grade at the time. :rolleyes:

I agree with all of what's been said above. If you don't like this girl stop taking her calls and accepting her invitations. She'll get the hint.

[JavaMaven1]

And here I thought there was going to be a Tenacious D reference here. Oh well.

In regards to the OP, the last time there was a "friendship test" done on me, I was in 9th grade.

Adult friends don't test their friends.

[Who_me?]

So did you...

[BoBettie]

Do you like me? Check one:

___ ____
YES NO

23 years old and doing this? Stop it. It's incredibly immature and hurtful to all.

[Lamar Mundane]

I have read the OP four times and I have no idea at all what happened, it makes no sense to me whatsoever. But everyone above me seems to have gleaned some insight. I must be missing a gene. Anyone have a link to a good English/7th Grade translator?

[Beadalin]

Here's what happened, Lamar:
A and B are in a room together. A has B call C and talk some shit about A, purely to find out if C would also talk some shit about A. C did talk shit about A, and now A is mad.

So, we've established that friendship tests of any sort shouldn't happen when your age enters double digits. Putting that aside, Sarah wasn't necessarily being the bad friend you believe she was. Maybe she had no idea what to do other than to roll with the conversation-- could be she's insecure, overly impressed by Lisa's confidence in her, whatever. Lots of things motivate a person to say something bad other than honestly believing the stuff they're saying. Could be she's beating herself up right now for ever saying anything bad about you, even in confidence, to another friend.

As others have pointed out, friends aren't paragons of perfection. They're flawed human beings who might just get as annoyed over your flaws as you do about theirs. True friends accept the flaws, maybe vent about them occasionally, and love you all the same.

Lesson to be learned: don't ask questions if you're unprepared for the answer you might get.

[GopherGod72]

Originally posted by Lamar Mundane
I have read the OP four times and I have no idea at all what happened, it makes no sense to me whatsoever. But everyone above me seems to have gleaned some insight. I must be missing a gene. Anyone have a link to a good English/7th Grade translator?

Don't worry. I had to re-read the first paragraph about 10 times before I could tell what the fuck she was talking about.

[handy]

Maybe you can be on Jerry Springer or Maury & sort this out?

[Lamar Mundane]

Thanks for the help, Beadalin.

Now that I understand, I think she should quit playing with her at recess and slip notes into her locker. And take her lunch money.

[World Eater]

Originally posted by Fiver
23 and already a homeowner? I'm impressed.

Yeah, that's all I have to contribute.

Yes I was sort of blown away by this as well. I'm 28 and I can barely remeber to pay my phonebill.

[secretkeeper78]

I guess I failed to mention that this test wasn't my idea. I was just sitting there, while she started bad mouthing me. and yes I would expect someone to defend if another put me down because I would do it too.

[secretkeeper78]

yes, i am 23 and i do own my own house. 100 % paid for. I guess you are right, it is immature. but, it wasn't actually my idea. I was just sitting there. Lisa is a bit of a prankster. I really regret posting here because everyone on this board has been nothing but overly critical. very few of you have been objective.

[StGermain]

Apparently being a home-owner is no guarantee of maturity. You asked for opinions and then pouted when the majority of people told you what they thought. There are a lot of people who don't speak up even when they disagree with something said. And even if your friend thought of the "game", you played along. My opinion is that you don't deserve her friendship, whether you have it or not.

StG

[Tansu]

I think it's objectively a stupid thing to do, and that you shouldn't associate with a bunch of manipulative backstabbers.

Objective enough for ya?

[Siege]

secretkeeperI really regret posting here because everyone on this board has been nothing but overly critical. very few of you have been objective.

Let me try to be a bit objective, both about the OP and why people have been coming across as "overly critical." OP first.

I was in a slightly similar situation once where a female friend of mine was complaining to a group of women about someone who had broken up with her once. She kept it vague enough and I'm slow enough on the uptake that it wasn't a few hours later that I realized that the gentleman in question was a good friend of mine and there was more to the story than what she said (isn't there always? :rolleyes: ) Now this was a rather acrimonious breakup, with both sides guilty of bad behaviour, but I was trying to keep my respect for both of them. What I did was take her aside later, in private, and tell her that I was aware of what she was doing, and, while she was welcome to her own opinions, I would not stand for her bad-mouthing my friend in front of me. She has tried it once or twice since, and I have refused to put up with it, even walking away on one occaision.

It's up to you to decide what you're willing to tolerate, but you do have to make that clear. Me, I'm almost hopelessly blunt and direct, and I don't like people playing games because, quite frankly, it confuses me. I don't really understand the sort of friendship you've described or the way the relationships work, but they're probably a lot more conventional than the ones I have, and, if it works for you, that's your privilege. I've certainly read stranger things on this board!

That brings us (ok, me) to why people may seem to be jumping on you. I'd be willing to bet that I'm not the only one around here who's rather scared by what you've described. Although it may not show up in this post, I am female, and I remember what to me were the hopelessly confusing ways women got along (and not just in high school, ladies) where they would say nice things to your face and be cruel behind your back. I don't understand the game of "One day I like you; one day I don't," nor do I think I want to. For better or worse, this board is its own game with its own rules. People here (and I realize I'm generalizing the daylights out of this) tend to be pretty open and direct. If they don't understand something, they ask. If they dislike something, they say so, but they also admit to a willingness to try to understand. The situation you described comes across as less than honest.

Oh yes, I've said the same thing often enough to an 18 year old friend of mine, but capitalization really does help. Have mercy on us old farts with bad eyesight and short attention spans! :)

Hope this helps, and good luck,
CJ

[Coldfire]

Could you guys tone it down a notch?

Sure, it's a bit immature. Is that a reason for a complete dogpile?
What a way to welcome someone aboard.

[Gazelle]

Ah Coldy.

I'm sorry if I seemed negative, secretkeeper. I'm not being critical of you, but of your "friends."

After reading through the responses, I bet I've spotted a trend. Are the people who didn't "get" the OP all male?
I have a feeling that this friendship test is a female thing. I knew exactly what she was talking about after quickly reading the OP, once.

[DeadlyAccurate]

Funny, but there was an article on ABCnews about this just this morning.

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/GoodMorningAmerica/GMA020509Queen_bees_feature.html

[Bad News Baboon]

I have to agree with Canthearya about Lisa.
She sounds like bad news waiting to happen.

[breaknrun]

secretkeeper78 , do not play these kinds of games and if a friend of yours suggests something so stupid, you should have the courage to put an end to it. Regardless, of who suggested the game, you acted immaturely and you continue to act immaturely by pretending to be a friend to someone that you don't value.

[Rilchiam]

Peppermint Patty: "Do you know anything about love, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "Probably not."

PP: "Well, if A likes B, but B likes C who likes D and E who both like A who doesn't even know that D exists, should F try to have G talk to B so E will know that C likes D and E, and that C will pound H if she comes around again butting in?"

CB: "May I think about that for a minute?"

PP: "Sure, Chuck...In the meantime, here's another one...Say a person has kind of a big nose, and another person calls her 'Baseball Nose', and tells her not to go near the ballpark 'cause someone might autograph her nose, should she be offended?"

CB: "G shouldn't get involved, and an autograph on a nose would probably wash off."

PP: "You don't know anything about love, Chuck!"

CB: "Probably not..."