Tell Me A Joke

I really enjoyed the joke thread that was up a while ago. Anybody heard any new ones?

A wealthy man and his wife are in a restaurant having dinner. Suddenly, a young, beautiful woman walks up to the man and kisses him passionately. The wife is shocked, and says "Who was that!?!"

"That was my mistress." replies her husband.

The wife is incredibly angry, and starts to sputter and swear. "Now wait a minute, dear." he says. "I love you, but I'm not going to give up my mistress. Think about our children, our beautiful home, and the Jaguar you drive. Do you really want to give all that up?"

At that instant, another friend of theirs walks in with a different young, beautiful woman and sits down across the restaurant. The wife looks at him, and asks her husband "Who is that with Joe?"

"That's his mistress." he replies.

The wife pauses for a minute, then says "Humph. Ours is prettier."

There was some elderly woman on NPR this morning telling jokes and this was the best one...
An old guy is talking to his friend telling him about this great restaurant where he had eaten the night before. He says, "You'd really like it, you should go sometime. It's called....what's that flower that's red and has a thorny stem?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah that's it" then turns to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

I have a real sickie!!!
A woman lived alone and ate mayonnaise straight out of the jar. She would set empty jars out on the back porch.
Then, for fourteen consecutive mornings, she would go out to the porch and find the jars filled again. She shrugged at this, but consumed the contents.
On the fifteenth night she stayed up late to find out how the jars were being refilled. After midnight, she saw a man with sores all over his body come into the yard. He went over to the empty jars and squeezed pus into them.

THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.

DIARY OF A CAT:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

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"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it," Jack Handy

That was delightful! here are some more entries, from OUR cat's diary:
Day 31--This is getting annoying. The humans took me somewhere and put me in another house!! They're trying to get rid of me!! About a mile away and on the other side of a big street! I showed them. I went back home. Now where are they? The dumb humans are gone and so is the furniture!! Then the man and woman came back in the car, saw me, and said, "Archie--how did you get back here?" Now I suppose they'll expect me to answer that ridiculous question...
Day 48--These silly human brought a tree into the house! Hung ridiculous glittery balls on it! They even put electric lights on it! And if I check these things out they say, "Archie!" like I don't know my name, Duuuuh...
Day 366--I got sick. The humans took me to some strange man who put me in a metal cage! Said he was a "veterinarian" or something. Then they took another cat home! Then they came back and traded another cat for me. Well, it took them long enough to realize I am their cat...
Day 770--Horrors! These dumb humans brought a dog into the house! Well, I'll keep her in line; she gets too close I'll swat her.
Day 1378--Can't a guy have freedom anywhere? The humans brought a box of kittens in to show me. MY kittens, perhaps? So what? You wanna MAKE something of it? These dumb humans..

A preacher is looking for a new way to make money for his church and he hears there's money to be made in horse racing. He goes to an auction to buy a horse but finds the bidding is out of his range so he settles for a donkey. He decides then that since the money is already spent he might as well race it. To everyone's amazement, the donkey places third. The next morning the headlines read:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher enters the donkey in another race and this time it wins. The headlines then read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop decides this is too much and tells the preacher he must get rid of the donkey. So the preacher gives the donkey to a nun. The next morning the headlines say:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop is outraged and informs the nun she must sell the donkey. She sells it to a farmer for $10 and the headlines read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

The bishop is aghast and tells the nun she must buy the donkey back and just let it go wild and free. The headlines annouce:

NUN SAYS HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

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"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it," Jack Handy

Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the10th
floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
around the building and back into the window."

The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping down the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What? Are you nuts? There is no way in hell that could
happen!"

The 1st Man says: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." He gets up from
the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he
passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back
into
the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that
must have been a one-time fluke." The 1st Man says: "No, it isn't. I'll
prove
it again!"

Again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs
he
urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The 2nd Man says: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it."

He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th.......
10th....... 9th...... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat'.

Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says:

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.


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"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
-- Calvin and Hobbes

BTW, the old lame joke thread collapsed under the weight of all those elephant jokes...

A preist, a rabbi and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

A recently divorced guy is sitting at the bar being depressed when he notices a lone woman at the end of the bar who also seems to be depressed. He scoots down and starts chatting with her telling her of his recent divorce and she reveals that she too is recently divorced. He asks why she and her husband broke up and she replies, "He said I was too kinky for him." And the guy gets very excited, "Really? My wife said I was too kinky!!"

So a couple of drinks later they decide to leave and go back to her place. She excuses herself to "change into something more comfortable" and puts on her stiletto black shiny leather boots, gets her whip, puts on her leather bustier with the nipples cut out and her crotchless panties and goes out into the living room only to find the man putting on his coat and preparing to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks very disappointedly. To which the man replies, "I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse, I'm outta here."

A man walks into a pub in Scotland, orders a drink from the sad-looking bartender and proceeds to have a great conversation with him. After a few more drinks he asks the bartender his name. The bartender sighs and points out the fine quality bar in front of him and says
"F'r over a year I built this bar with me bare han's from a single mighty oak tree. I worked me bleedin' han's with simple tools until you see this fine piece o' work standin' before ye. But do they call me Angus the Bar-Maker?? Noooo"
He then motioned the man over to the front door of the pub and opened it.
"D'ye see yonder stone fence around me pub? F'r over two years I worked pullin' stone after heavy stone with me bleedin' han's, pilin' and pilin' stones until you see before you this fine stone fence. But do they call me Angus the Fence Builder?? Nooooo"
He then pointed to a large dock next to the pub where several boats were tied up.
"D'ye see that bonnie dock? F'r five years I worked me bleedin' han's slaving in the wet cold, sinkin' heavy timbers until you see before you this fine dock. But do they call me Angus the Dock Maker?? Noooo."
The bartender sighs and takes a heavy drink of his ale.
"Aye, but ye fuck one goat........"

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"...send lawyers, guns, and money..."

Warren Zevon

Two crude jokes.....

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy. The girl nodded, "yes". After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from boy?" The guy says "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks "What do you do up there in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.

Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman again asks for a coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy b***! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, b***! Will you bring me my damn coke?"

Out of nowhere the stewardess, the captain, and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

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Mama told me when I was young,"Baby, be a simple kind of man."

This girl irritated a fountainman by coming in every day after school and ordering a "coke-oke-okity-ok-coke-coke." After she had done this for a coouple of weeks, the fountainman gave her her comeuppance: He slipped two tablespoons of Epsom salt into the drink! She didn't show up again for three weeks, and when she came in again she was ashen, and fifteen pounds lighter, and she staggered to a stool.
The fountainman asked, "Do you want another coke-oke-okity-oke-coke-coke?
"She said, yes--but this time leave out the poop-oop-oopitty-oop-poop-poop!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."


------------------
Tim
"My hovercraft is full of eels."

Two jokes for you:

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all sitting at a bar, drinking identical pints of beer. Simoultaneously, a fly lands in each gentleman's beer.

The Englishman, with an expression of disgust, carefully dips the fly out with a spoon, deposits it in a napkin, folds the napkin up, sets it aside, and resumes drinking his beer.

The Irishman, contemplates his fly-laden beer, chugs it down and says "Well, now, that's protein, isn't it?"

The Scotsman, pulls the fly out, squeezes it between his thumb and finger and screams "Spit it oot! Spit it oot!".

******

A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He takes a seat, so does the ostrich, and the cat jumps up onto the bar beside him. The bartender comes over and asks him what he'll have to drink.

"I'll have a gin and tonic," the man answered.

"That sounds good," the ostrich added. "I'll have one too."

"I guess I'll have one, too," the cat said, "but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender, having seen a lot of jokes like this, brings the three drinks and says only "that'll be $9.78."

The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a wad of bills and change and hands it to the bartender without counting it. It's nine dollars and seventy-eight cents exactly.

This goes on for a couple of weeks. The man comes in with the ostrich and cat, sits down, orders a drink, the ostrich agrees that it sounds good and asks for one too, and the cat says "Okay, I'll have one, but I'm not paying for it."

Some days it's a gin and tonic, some days it's a beer, some days, it's a shot of tequila. But the man always hauls the exact price of the three drinks out of his pocket without looking.

Finally, the bartender can't stand it anymore.

"Look, buddy," he says. "I've seen a lot of weird things at this bar. Twelve inch pianists, rabbis, priests and Baptist preachers drinking together, and all that, but I've got to say that this one is driving me nuts. How is it that you always have the exact right change for whatever drink you get?"

"Oh, that," the man answered, sipping his martini. "Well, a couple of years ago, I was walking down this beach, and I stumbled across a genie in a bottle. I freed him, and he rewarded me with two wishes. That first wish was the smartest thing I ever did."

"Yeah?" the bartender asked. "What was it?"

"Well, I wished that I would always have the exact amount of money that I needed in my pocket when I needed it."

The bartender was really impressed. "That's a brilliant idea. No more bank accounts. No more credit cards. No more money worries."

Then he stopped and looked at the man. "So, what was the second wish."

The man sighed and ate his olive. "Oh, that was the stupidest thing I ever did. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

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"Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightenment." - Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher

A drunk went into the men's room in a bar. A few minutes later a loud scream came out of the restroom. The bartended went in and saw the drunk, and said, "What's the matter with you?"
The drunk said, "Every time I flush thing thing it bites me!"
The bartender said, no wonder, stupid--you're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

The Potato family is sitting down to a family meal. The oldest Potato daughter says, "Mom, guess what? I met this fantastic potato and were getting married. He's an Idaho potato, too."

The mom says, "Oh, that's great! I so happy for you. Wow, an Idaho. Now that's a fine tator, a fine tator indeed."

Then the middle Potato daughter says, "Mom, guess what? I too met a fantastic potato and were getting married as well. He's a big Russet potato."

Mom says, "Wow, what great news! You're finally getting married. And to a Russet. Now that's a fine tator, a fine tator indeed."

So the youngest Potato daughter says, "Mom, I too met someone and we're getting married. His name is Dan Rather."

Mom looks a little sad and says, "Oh, well, I guess I'm happy for you. But Dan Rather? He's just a commentator."

A nun is fishing in a stream when suddenly she catches a large and strange looking fish. A nearby fisherman sees this and calls out to the nun, "That's the biggest Goddam Fish I've ever seen." The shocked nun proceeds to lecture the fisherman on his foul language. The fisherman laughs and tells the nun that "Goddam Fish" is the proper biological name for that species. The nun apologizes and takes the fish back to the parish chapel. She sees the Mother Superior and shows the fish to her with pride, "Mother Superior, look at this Goddam Fish that I caught!!" After the Mother Superior berates the nun for using the Lord's name in vain, she hears the explanation from the nun. The Mother Superior says "Well, if that's the name, so be it, I'll clean it for our dinner." As she heads to the kitchen she runs into the Monsignor. When the Monsignor asks what's for dinner, the Mother Superior replies "We're having this Goddam Fish for dinner." The Monsignor cries out, "Mother Superior, a woman of the cloth like you using such language." The Mother Superior calmly explains the fish's name to the Monsignor whereupon the Monsignor says, "Well, after you clean it, give it to me so I can cook it up."

Showing up for dinner is a young priest coming to his first parish. Upon tasting the fish, he said "This is the tastiest fish I have ever eaten!!" The nun beams with pride and says "Well, I caught that Goddam Fish." The Mother Superior adds, "And I cleaned and prepared that Goddam Fish." The Monsignor then says "I cooked that Goddam Fish in my own special recipe."

The young priest laughs, slams his fist on the table and says, "Man, I like this fuckin' place already!!!"



------------------
"...send lawyers, guns, and money..."

Warren Zevon

Canthearya's "Disgusting Question" post reminded me of this old chestnut...

There's a gyppo logging outfit in the great north woods, such a small concern that they can't afford a full time cook, so they take turns. Problem is, all of them hate to cook, and are truly bad at it to boot. they decide that one guy will cook until someone complains about the food, then the complainer has to take over 'til the next complaint. One fella's been stuck with cooking so long, and is so tired of it, that one day he finds a nice fresh moose-muffin in the woods and takes it back to camp and bakes it in a pie shell. Dessert gets served, and one old logger takes a bite of pie and splutters, "Why, that's MOOSE TURD PIE!...Good, though."
--Alan Q

A drunk is pounding on the bar, saying "Gimme a damn drink!"
The bartender says "Sir, you've had enough already, you're going to have to leave."
The drunk grumbles, but staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, he comes in the side door, shouting "Gimme a goddamned drink!" The bartender says "Look mister, you're already drunk and I'm not gonna serve you. Get out." The drunk grumbles but staggers out the side door. A few minutes later he comes in the back door, shouting "Gimme a goddamned drink!" The bartender says "Okay, buddy, I've had enough. Get the hell out or I'm calling the cops." The drunk squints at him, astonished, saying "How many fuckin' bars do you work in, anyway?"

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

From my Joke of the Day archives:

We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football game. We arrived early and found our seats.

Not long afterward, a neurotic young fellow came in and sat just in front of us.

A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!"

The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down.

A few moments later, we heard someone behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crod. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.

After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic.

Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" the man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd:

"DARNIT, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"

~~~~~~

Another silly bit from the archives:

THINGS GUYS LEARNED FROM ACTION MOVIES

No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

My arch-enemy will bean and uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a flesh wound, which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

If I'm asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

If I am given a surprise attack, I will only be attacked by one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.

Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never need to do those things either.

~~~
One last thing:

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, do the other trees make fun of it?

A shy gentleman was getting ready to board his flight when he heard that the Pope was to be on the same flight. "wow, that's great. I've always wanted to meet the Pope, maybe I'll get a chance," he thought.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope actually sat next to him and immediately pulled out a crossword puzzle and began working on it.

"This is great," the shy man thought. "I'm pretty good at crossword puzzles. Maybe the Pope will ask me for help." But being the shy man he was the gentle man did not initiate any conversation.

Suddenly the Pope asked "What is a four letter word for woman ending in u-n-t?"

The gentleman was flabberghasted. The Pope couldn't mean the first thing that popped into his mind, not the Pope. So after thinking a few minutes the gentleman had it.

"I believe your looking for 'Aunt,' your eminence" the man said, happy he could help out.

"Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"

-------------------------------------------
A group of cowboys were sitting around the camp fire fixing dinner when a big, ugly stranger came riding into thier camp. the stranger was mounted on a mountain lion and had a rattle snake as a lariat.

The new cowboy, got off his lion, kicked it and told it to lie down. He then coiled up the rattler and threw it to the ground. The other cowboys just stared in disbelief as the big man stuck his bare hand into the boiling pot of beans, pulled out a handful and ate them. Then he picked up the coffee pot and drank straight from the spout.

Whiping off his mouth the big stranger said "Thanks for the grub, but I can't stay. There's a real mean son-of-a-bitch chasing me."

------------------
"Nuts!"
Gen A.C. McAuliffe
"The general's nuts."
unknown 101st AB grunt

A kid, supposed to be doing his homework, is reciting, "One plus one, the son of a bitch is two; one plus two, the son of a bitch is three; two plus two, the son of a bitch is four..." the kid's mother hears this and angrily demands to know where he heard it. He says, "The teacher told us."
The next day the mother meets the teacher and says, "Why are you teaching my child to use profanity?" The teacher doesn't understand, so the mother says, "Yesterday he was saying, 'One plus one, the son of a bitch is two. One plus two...' the teacher pauses for a minute, then says, understanding what happened, I told the children, 'One plus one, the SUM OF WHICH is two..."

I just wanted to say one thing. Beavis and Butthead's episode with Beavis's nose bleed. That right there is a classic.

--------------------------------------------

"What the hell do you want from me?"
-Puff Daddy

God was walking in heaven and he came to the edge of heaven. There was a fence seperating heaven and hell. As God walked along he noticed the fence was falling apart so he called satan over. God told Satan to fix the fence but Satan refused. God threatened to take him to court. Satan laughed. God asked him why he was laughing Satan replied "where are you going to find a lawyer on your side" There was a condemned man who was taken to the gallows and had the noose placed around his neck. The condemned man was asked if he had any last words and the doomed man said "yes i don't think this thing is safe"

------------------
garyh

A programmer and a salesman take a vacation together, up to a cabin in the woods. They're planning to do some bear hunting.

When they get to the cabin, the programmer takes his stuff inside and starts unpacking. The salesman just tosses his suitcase in a corner, then exclaims: "I'm off to get us our first bear!" and dashes off.

After the programmer finishes putting all his stuff away, he goes out to sit on the porch. Some time later, he starts to hear noises out in the woods. At first it's a far-off rustling, but it quickly gets louder, and closer. Suddenly, the salesman appears at the edge of the clearing, running like hell. Hot on his heels is the biggest, meanest-looking grizzly that the programmer has ever seen.

Still running, the salesman yells out, "Open the door!" So the programmer opens the door, and dashes into the cabin for safety.

The salesman sprints to the cabin, up the porch, and right up to the front door; then he skids to a stop and nimbly springs aside. Unable to stop, the rampaging grizzly charges past him, into the cabin.

Smiling, the salesman yanks the door closed and shouts, "Okay, now you skin that one and I'll get us another!"

An executive, an engineer, and a programmer are on their way to a seminar. Since the trip is at company expense, they're sharing the same rental car.

To get where they're going, they have to drive through some mountainous country. At one point, while driving down a long, steep slope, the car's brakes suddenly fail! They careen down the mountainside, swerving and skidding. By pure luck, the car hits a bump just the right way and turns over on its side. It screeches to a halt in a shower of sparks.

Amazed at their good fortune, the men climb out of the car and try to decide what to do.

"No problem," says the executive. "I have my cell phone with me. I'll call a tow truck and the rental agency. We'll get a new car and be on our way in a couple of hours."

"Don't bother," says the engineer. "I've got my Swiss Army knife and a roll of duct tape. I'll strip the brake system, find the fault, and make repairs. I'll have the car in perfect condition within forty-five minutes."

"Hold on," says the programmer. "Before doing anything, we should push the car back to the top of the hill, and see if we can reproduce the problem."

Two drunks are siting at a bar.
One lets out a long, loud, smelly fart.
His buddy says "christ I think you shit your pants."
To which the farter replys "yup, I think you're right."
"So why don't you go wipe your ass."
"Cause I ain't done yet."

It's a scorching hot day back in the old west, and the Lone Ranger and Tonto have stepped into a saloon to have some beers and cool down.
After a while, a man walks in and says "Who owns that white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger says "That's my horse, Silver. What's wrong?"
"You better go check him. He's looking pretty bad from all this heat."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto step outside and see that Silver has almost collapsed. They give him a pail of water but this has no effect.
The Lone Ranger says "I know what Silver needs. He needs a wind to cool him off. But there's not even a breeze."
Tonto says "I have an idea, kemosabe. We will make a wind for Silver by running circles around him as fast as we can. I will run around him first while you wait inside, then we will switch places."
"That's a great idea, Tonto. You start running and I'll be out in ten minutes to take your place."
So the Lone Ranger goes back inside the saloon and is finishing his beer. But before the ten minutes are up, another man walks into the bar and asks "Who owns that white horse outside?"
"That's my horse, Silver. Is he okay?"
"Yeah, your horse is fine. But you left your Injun running."

An American Indian went into a drugstore for the third time in one week to buy a case of cough syrup. The druggist asked, "Anyone sick at your house, Joe?"
"Nobody sick."
"Then why do you buy so much cough syrup?"
"We like it on pancakes."

Here are two of my favorite jokes.

The seven dwarfs were in a hot tub and feeling pretty happy. So Happy got out.

and

A blond woman is at the beginning of a line at a vending machine. She puts 50 cents in and presses Coke and a Coke comes out. She puts in 50 more cents and presses Sprite and a Sprite comes out. She puts in 50 more cents and presses Dr. Pepper and a Dr. Pepper comes out. She puts in 50 more cents and presses Mug Root Beer and a Rootbeer comes out. After about 10 minutes of doing this the people in line are extremely antsy. The next guy in line says, "What's your problem woman!?" To which the blond woman responds, "DUH! I'm still winning."

SqrlCub

I don't know if everyone's heard this one or not, but...

Bill Gates dies and goes up to heaven's gate. St. Peter looks at his scroll for a couple minutes, then says, "Well, Mr. Gates, you've done a lot for humanity, but you've also caused a lot of trouble. So I'm going to give you the choice of where you will be spending eternity. What'll it be, heaven or hell?"

Bill Gates thinks a minute, then says, "What's hell like?"

St. Peter says, "Well, I can take you there if you like, and you can see for yourself."

Bill Gates agrees, so they go down to hell. In hell, there are voluptuous women playing volleyball on flawless, sandy beaches in a tropical climate, and there are patrons being served drinks on the house while they bask in the sun. Some people are parasailing, and others are talking happily with each other while they relax in the warm sun. Laughter and happiness is everywhere Bill Gates looks.

He says, "Wow! If this is hell, I'll take it!"

So St. Peter leaves him there, promising to come back tomorrow to check up on him.

The next day, as promised, St. Peter descends into hell. There are fires everywhere, and Bill Gates is being tortured by a huge devil with a sharp pitchfork. There are people moaning and wailing, and Bill Gates says to St. Peter, "What happened to the tropical paradise you showed me yesterday? This is nothing like it!"

St. Peter smiles, and says, "Oh, that was just a demo."

Three old men die, and show up at the pearly gates. They're astonished to see that heaven looks like a modern city, though of course it's a very clean and uncrowded one. Just outside the gate is a large parking lot, filled with cars of every color, shape and description. St. Peter is there too, standing behind what looks like a car-rental counter.

Well, the first guy goes up to the counter and gives his name. St. Peter looks it up in the computer and smiles. "Ah, I see that you remained completely faithful all through your sixty years of marriage. Take that red Viper at the end, over there." He tosses the man the remote starter, and the key to a mansion. The man drives off.

The second guy goes to the counter, but St. Peter is not quite as pleased. "Oh, it says here that you twice cheated on your wife, in your first year of marriage. But after that, you cleaned up your act. The blue Saturn over there is yours." He gives the man a plain keyring, and the address of a hotel. The man drives off.

When the third man goes to the counter, St. Peter clucks his tongue. "Dear me, this is an extensive record. All five of your wife's sisters? And those poor sheep! That is for you." He points to a rusty old Gremlin in the corner. The man eventually gets the ugly thing to move.

Some time later, as he's pushing his Gremlin down the streets of Heaven, he sees a red Viper parked at a streetcorner. Its owner is standing nearby, banging his head repeatedly against a lamppost.

The Gremlin-driver rushes over and says, "Hey, quit it. You have this amazing car, a beautiful mansion, lots of great stuff. That's your reward for being faithful. What are you so upset about?"

The man replies, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

For a long time this was my favorite joke...

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

A devout catholic dies and goes up to heaven, where he is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. Much to his horror he discovers that St Peter is a protestant and refuses to let him in. The man pleads "But St Peter, I've led a good life, I've always done my best and gone out of my way to help others, why only last week I gave ten pounds to a homeless man on the street!" St Peter isn't that impressed and says "That's all well and good but its not much is it." The man replies "But that wasn't all, the week before I gave ten pounds to a home for orphaned children" St Peter replies "Well thats nice but rules are rules and we don't want any Catholics in here." The man has one last go at getting in and says "Three weeks ago I even gave ten pounds to an animal hospital, as a charitable donation" St Peter thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'll go talk to God and see what he thinks" and leaves. The man is nervous with anticipation and can't relax until St Peter comes back. St Peter looks at this man, sitting there on the steps of the Pearly Gates and says "Allright, I've talked to God and we've agreed, here's your thirty pounds back, now bugger off."

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It only hurts when I laugh.

I got this one today:

More children's books you'll never see.

Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Daddy's New Wife Timothy
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School