Worst things you've seen people do...in CHURCH!

[Guinastasia]

Okay, I was just thinking about this, and I thought I'd ask.

Once, I was at Mass, and noticed this guy, two pews ahead of me. He reached down inside the back of his pants and started scratching his arse! Right there-in front of God and everyone! In church!

*shudder* The sick thing is, this was right near the time for the Sign of Peace-for all you non-Mary-Worshipers, the priest says, "Now let us offer one another the Sign of Peace." And everyone turns to those around them, shake hands and say, "Peace be with you."

I wish I could have warned the people sitting around this guy!

:eek:

[Violet]

He reached down inside the back of his pants and started scratching his arse!

:eek: Another reason to avoid "church." ;)

[Jello]

Here's a pretty bad one here, from an old Savage Love column:

http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0143/savage.php

(Note: Article is not for the squeamish)

[Copperwheatus]

o dear...
the worst thing i've ever seen perpetrated in a church must be of my own doing. it was just a few weeks ago actually...

well, my girlfriend somehow has me attending sunday school every week, which is bad enough as it is, because i'm pretty much just a burnt out stoner, but thats another story for another post...

somehow we both managed to get pulled into staying after for the church service, so we could perform a nice religious song in front of the congregation. yip-fucking-ee. we sat in the very back, at the very end of one of the pews, so were were fairly isolated from the nearest other person (which just happened to be a little old lady at the very other end of our pew). after we went up and sang and made fools of ourselves, we slunked back to our seats, and just counted the minutes before the end of the service.

sitting next to her, i just instinctively put my hand on her leg. big deal... well, i couldn't just let my hand chill on her leg like that, i had to gently stroke her leg, also instictively. eventually, her hand found its way to my thigh, and also gently carresed my leg. me, being the teenager i am, moved closer and closer to her "sweet spot".

ah fuck it, i start to move in for the kill. it was about this time that she slapped my hand and then pointed to the old lady at the end of our pew. judging by the look on her face, she was most displeased.

one of the maybe 8 full church services i have ever attended ended with my scolding by an old lady for my desire for "da nookie".
::bows::






i can't write tonight... after checking out my post before submitting it, i noticed the junior high quality of my sentence and paragraph structure, as well as my total lack of capitalization. honestly, i'm too lazy to do anything about it, so yeah...

[Rushgeekgirl]

My first fumbling sexual experience was in a church recreation hall bathroom.
Not one of my finer moments.

[5 time champ]

Incense burned on First Fridays would invariably make some kid sick and vomit right there in the pews.

On Sundays supposedly the priest would order the doors locked, so no one could sneak out right after communion,

[Hemlock]

As a kid, I'd pick my nose and deposit the results under the pew - but who didn't. Obviously, it was the priest's fault for being so boring.

Xmas Midnight Mass at the Anglican cathedral here has become a spectator event (I'm told by irate faithful). Cell phones going off and people videoing the proceedings.

[stolatt]

A while back, we were rushing into church because we were late and so was the guy behind us. I turned to glance at him and the poor thing had his shirt tail hanging out of his zipper.

I haven't seen anything too terrible, just the annoying children. OUr church is small, so we don't have a "quiet room". Kids talking, laying on the pew, bouncing off the walls. One family had their kids all set up with snacks, books and toys. See, it can be mass and a picnic all in one! I got the evil eye from my parents if I even slouched.

[TeaElle]

My worst in-church performance was recent, but wasn't a purposeful thing, by any means. Earlier in this pregnancy (which seems to be dragging on for a millenium, I tell ya) I was extremely sensitive to scents, and prone to exceptionally fast and angry bouts of nausea when I smelled something that just didn't agree with me.

I might add that this was during my first trimester, before we shared the news of the pregnancy with our church family.

So I'm sitting there during service one morning. Things was getting underway, our pastor was making his opening remarks and announcements, and the stragglers were being seated by the ushers. One of the elder ladies of the congregation, Mrs. Hodge, was brought in and shown to a seat right in front of me. She sat down, and within two inhalations I'm aware that she has, apparently, bathed in Chanel No. 5 and worse, Chanel No. 5 is one of the scents that turns my stomach. Without any ability to stop it or do anything short of a futile clutching of my hands to my mouth, I spewed. Projectile vomit, all over myself and worse, all over Mrs. Hodge's back and hair. (I'm pretty sure that poor Mr. TLW got a bit of splashback, too.

Mrs. Hodge shreiked (scaring our pastor half to death) and I burst out in tears. Mr. TLW pulled a $20 out of his wallet and threw it at her with an instruction to get her dress cleaned, and hustled me out of there. I wept all the way home. I was mortified, and thought I'd never be able to go to church again.

Our pastor called later that afternoon and we filled him in on what was up, and, as though I wasn't embarrassed enough, the following Sunday, he put a notice in the bulletin telling the entire congregation why I had puked all over Mrs. Hodge -- with those words (including "puked") in the announcement. I had to relive the mortification all over again, and try to put on a smiley face while every single congregant came and offered their congratulations and commiseration and stories of times they'd thrown up unexpectedly. The whole thing was a nightmare which I will revisit in about four hours when I go to church, and every Sunday until time ceases or we move away.

[istara]

Guinastasia - was he scratching his ass as in butt-cheek, or was he delving inside the dark depths of the anal vortex?

Because a mozzie bite near the panty line I can fully sympathise with, but an itchy haemorrhoid...

[ClairificC]

I fell asleep during midnight mass last Christmas. I know that dosn't seem to horendous, but it was rather embarassing. I had gone by myself, having been away from family that year and feeling kinda homesick I thought it would bring back happy memories. After communion, I was kneeling and just going over differnt memories in my head and before I knew it I was asleep. I was woken up by the father about 20 minutes after mass, who gently tapped me and asked if I would like to continue praying somewhere else, or i I would like to talk about my troubles, as they were closing up the church. Geez, I flushed bright red, mumbled my appoligies and went home.

[Lyllyan]

Back in the days before our church had cushions on the pews, my little brother (aged about 3) wet his pants. Said wetness then travelled down the curve of the pew, to be absorbed by my father's suit.

We left rather abruptly.

[Dirty Earthworm]

Originally posted by Rushgeekgirl
My first fumbling sexual experience was in a church recreation hall bathroom.
Not one of my finer moments. See you in Hell.

(I got a hummer in a Sunday school room. Yeah ... bad. Bad bad bad.)

-Dirty

[Guinastasia]

Originally posted by istara
Guinastasia - was he scratching his ass as in butt-cheek, or was he delving inside the dark depths of the anal vortex?

Because a mozzie bite near the panty line I can fully sympathise with, but an itchy haemorrhoid...

It was somewhere in the center-and even so, if it was a bug bite, one doesn't need to stick one's hands INSIDE one's pants in church for God's sake!

tlw-I hope he said so to give warning to people NOT TO BATHE IN PERFUME!!! Ugh!

[Gala Matrix Fire]

Last time I was in church I noticed that about fifty percent of the men present were wearing beepers. I never heard any of them go off, but that certainly would have been rude. That's an awful lot of very important men to be in the same church at the same time.

[Lsura]

Originally posted by bluethree
Last time I was in church I noticed that about fifty percent of the men present were wearing beepers. I never heard any of them go off, but that certainly would have been rude. That's an awful lot of very important men to be in the same church at the same time.

There's a cell phone or a pager going off in every weekend Mass I've been to for about the last 2 years. During the Adoration following Holy Thursday Mass (it's supposed to be mostly silent during that time), at least 2 rang - and in the really quiet, darkened church, they sounded very loud.

But I'm still thinking about the worst thing I've observed or experienced during Mass. There are the typical fainting altar boys and such, but I don't remember anything really big.

[racer72]

At my little brothers wedding, my maternal grandmother walked up to my dad and said "Hi Glenn, long time, no see, you son of a bitch." She then turned a walked away. It was the first time they had seen each other in 15 years. It actually broke the tension, it was the first social gathering my parents had attended together in the same 15 years.

[Hokienautic]

Didn't involve me, but I heard about it. My church is on a residential street, and it's rough going getting in and out of the parking lot. Some people then park on that residential street so they can get away quickly afterwards. Lately more and more people have started doing this, including some blocking driveways and parking in fire lanes, and neighbors complained. Police were called, and the priests announced that parishioners should be careful, and that there were PLENTY of spots in the lot, even if it took longer to get out.

A lot of people still didn't listen, so the police started writing tickets. A couple weeks into the ticket-writing was Easter Sunday, with even MORE church-goers, and even more people parking on the street. A policewoman was writing tickets when one Mass ended, and a group of people parked on the street, blocking driveways and in firelanes, came out of Mass (early, of course) ... and after Easter Sunday Mass, starting cursing at, shoving and intimidating said policewoman.

Disgusting.

Starting in June, our 30-year-old Mass schedule is being changed to allow for more time in between Masses to try to eliminate the going in for one/going out for another Mass tieups these people seem to think allow them to park in front of driveways and shove policewomen.

[Girl#9]

Originally posted by Hemlock
As a kid, I'd pick my nose and deposit the results under the pew - but who didn't.

:eek: who didn't??

Um. (hysterical laughter) Me for one.

Thank f*ck i never found nasal crustaceans under the pew.
Never again will i put my hands anywhere near unseen surfaces in Church.

Yuck man. Yuck.

(Now I've got something extra to watch out for when my daughter starts attending mass with me) Ohjoyyyyy.


Worse thing I've ever seen anyone do?
Nothing like that!!!! Hahahaha.

I did hear a guy fart once though.

[leechbabe]

I always sit in the back row on the rare occasions I go to church (speed escape route planned in advance). One time there was an eldery church goer dropped off by a carer/younger relative (?) anyway the elderly woman insists on sitting up the front. Younger woman drops her off up there with her old lady friends and then sits up in the back row with me. The carer person then whips out a copy of LOTR and procedes to ignore the entire service and the rest of us standing up, sitting down, singing etc.

As a fellow LOTR fanatic I can understand her devotion to the book and was even tempted to read over her shoulder. However the ministers wife who happened to be sitting in the same row was less than impressed, she even tried tapping on the womans shoulder and pointing to her song book in an effort to get her to join in.

[Cardinal]

One Sunday night we heard this yelling, and then this guy came tumbling out of the baptism pool thing behind the stage. It was the local weirdo, who had been attending for a bit. Behind him were two very confused tough looking guys, who left abruptly upon seeing a church service in session, with themselves at the head of it.

It turned out that "Glenn" (or whatever) had said something to these guys on the street that they didn't like, and when they got out of their car to get him, he ran for the church and through one of the side doors, and into the pool thing, then up and over the wall of it, rolling onto the stage.

That was the end of that service.

[Stupendous man]

I once saw a guy put a coupon for 30 cents off Shake&Bake into the collection plate..

Oh, wait.. That was Homer. Disregard.

[jjimm]

When I was 18 months old, I escaped from my parents' control, crawled under the pews right up to the front of the church, turned round in front of the altar, faced the congregation, and crapped in my diaper.

One day they'll shave my head and find 666 tattooed on my scalp.

[HoldenCaulfield]

When I was around 6 or 7 I did something pretty funny. I was sick and had a cough drop in my mouth. When we stood I sneezed it right onto the pew in front of me. The guy sat on it. I tried to hold in my laughter for the rest of mass.

[Opengrave]

Not sick or anything but I accidentally hit the power switch for the house main speakers during the sermon, it took me about 3 or 4 very long minutes to ID the problem and get the mains back on. The whole congreagation just stared at me. That switch has a cover now.......

I've been flashed at least a handfull of times too, odd thing (to me at least) is that it was always completely attractive 23-28 year old women and not obnoxious teenagers or older single women.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Well, I've been to a wedding (as a child) where someone brought in a radio so they would know the football score. Touchdowns were then whispered up and down the pews.

This was in Nebraska.

I've also made out in a church, though not in the sanctuary.

[Lorenzo]

Some guy who lived next door to my grandmother's church had a monster outlaw CB radio system that would hijack the P.A. System in church at inopportune moments during the mass.

At my wife's church, occasionally someone will get caught at collection time without the perfunctory dollar bill in his wallet, so that person will drop his five, ten, twenty, (whatever) dollar bill in the basket and grab hold of the basket so he can reach in and get his "change" back.

In Mexico, at one of their holiest shrines during mass this diabled lady was crawling up the main aisle on her knees. She had made it about halfway up the main aisle as the faithful came to Communion and trampled this poor disabled lady. Would have been comical were it not so tragic.

[chique]

My mother used to be church organist. At the time, the organ was in front of the church, off to the right.

Also at that time (my sister and I were probably six and three) my mother used to make us wear cute but incredibly scratchy dresses and those stupid tights with the ruffled butts.

Said ruffled butts slide REALLY well on polished pews.

Back and forth, back and forth....and poor mom could do NOTHING.

Damn, did we catch a lickin' for that one.

A short time later the organ was moved to the balcony.

[Guinastasia]

Originally posted by leechbabe
I always sit in the back row on the rare occasions I go to church (speed escape route planned in advance). One time there was an eldery church goer dropped off by a carer/younger relative (?) anyway the elderly woman insists on sitting up the front. Younger woman drops her off up there with her old lady friends and then sits up in the back row with me. The carer person then whips out a copy of LOTR and procedes to ignore the entire service and the rest of us standing up, sitting down, singing etc.

As a fellow LOTR fanatic I can understand her devotion to the book and was even tempted to read over her shoulder. However the ministers wife who happened to be sitting in the same row was less than impressed, she even tried tapping on the womans shoulder and pointing to her song book in an effort to get her to join in.


I did that once. Only it was a Lois Duncan novel. Yes, I'm ashamed that I did that-I believe I was about 12 years old.

[screech-owl]

I don't remember this one, but Mom and Dad and a few other adults agreed it happened.

I was two and very antsy in church. To keep me quiet, Gramma let me play with her rosary beads (very nice ones as a matter of fact: crystal beads and a large silver crucifix on the end. I was letting it hang and watching the crucifix spin around. After awhile, I would spin it around in a bigger circle.

Mom was getting a little perturbed and whispered, "What are you doing?"

Me (not so whispered): "I'm giving Jesus a ride."

Mom: "Stop it."

Me: "But he likes it!" (He wasn't complaining.)

Mom: "Put it away now."

(Of course, Gramma thinks I am cute, no matter what I do. She's smiling and giggling at me.)

Me: "Just one more ride?"

Mom: "Fine. But that's it."

Me (and in this volume):"Hang on Jesus, here we go!!!" and spun the beads over my head.

No, the beads didn't break, and I didn't let go. I did sit in the corner for a week, though. Even Gramma couldn't save me from that.

[Eran]

My brother, age 2: turns to my mother and asks, in his loudest voice, "Does God have a penis?"
Me, age 2: being carried out of the chapel by my father because I was being too loud, I scream, "NO DADDY DON"T BEAT ME!!!!"

[Oblong]

In junior high I was chewing spearmint gum. I took it out and started to play with it. I ended up with both hands strung together.

I also discoverd the finer points of the female anatomy, although not in the sanctuary.

[crazy4chaucer]

I got kicked out of Sunday school when I was about 2 or 3 years old. I called my teacher a "son of a bitch." You mean that's not what you say to someone you're mad at? Needless to say, my Navy Dad was in trouble with my Mom! :cool:

And in our church once a year the primary children do a presentation for the whole congregation. I'll never forget this one kid sitting up on the stand picking his nose in full view of everyone. He was quite absorbed in what he was doing. Then when he got bored, he went to sleep. It was too cute.

[Arnold Winkelried]

Young besotted Arnold, dating a fundamentalist christian, accompanies her to one of her church services (where my girlfriend hopes I will "see the light".) In the middle of the service this man gets up, and starts talking in a loud voice about how unbelievers will suffer the fiery torments of Hell! How embarassing!
Of course, it was the pastor and he was standing in the pulpit at the time, but still.

[occ]

My Dad tells me that he recalls someone sitting in the back row of pews lighting up a cigarette once. Not technically sacriligeous in any way, but certainly hilarious.

[dangermom]

Well, it's not actually bad, just funny. I try not to fall asleep in church anymore ever since I was nodding off one Sunday, and was awakened by a WHUMP! I looked up at the pulpit and there was nobody there--the people up there were staring at the floor instead. The poor missionary who was speaking had passed out and whacked his head. The paramedics showed up, and the missionary was taken out on a gurney. They had opened his shirt so he was feebly trying to hold it closed. Afterwards, I was with the children and they were all asking if he was dead and if they'd ever see him again.

[Enola Straight]

Once, in a pew catty-cornered from me, I saw this man lift one ass
cheek and cup the palm of his hand to "catch" the one he just let
fly.

Then smoothly wafted the hand to his face to enjoy the fine
bouquet of metabolized methane.

[Qwertyasdfg]

Let's see, at my cousin's baptism there was a part where the god parents had to hold a "candle of life" (or something like that, Catholic) which was symbolic of their godchild's life and soul. They were supposed to take it, light it and bring it back to the pew in tact and still lit. One family wasn't very careful and it extinguished almost immediately. So, they took out a Zippo and tried to resurrect it. I think that was a bad omen for that kid.

My Sunday school teacher also once told me "Never make fun of anyone's religions. You never know who's right." A good message, but not a lot of faith, I think.

When I was a (little) kid and they tried to take my collection, I screamed at the collector "I want to give it to Jesus!" not knowing that he was dead.

A few months ago at my great-uncle's (a Catholic Preist's) funeral, I was offered the communion wafer. I took it, but didn't really know what to do with it so I put it in my pocket. I also refused the wine, thinking it was olive oil (why do they use white wine to symbolize blood?)

Anyone suprised I'm an atheist?

[StGermain]

There's a woman who's breastfed 3 children over the years. And not just as infants - you'd see a 2 year old walk up and and lift her shirt. I'm not opposed to breastfeeding, however it's a distraction and inappropriate at Mass, as far as I'm concerned. Feed your kid before Mass, feed them after Mass. Don't use your boob as a pacifier.

As for the cellphone thing - I have a very devout friend who was at Mass on Good Friday and his cell went off. He was mortified. He quickly turned it off before even looking to see who called. At my local parish the priest has been known to stop in the middle of Mass until a talker stops or a fussy child is removed. It's such a relief to be able to concentrate on the Mass.

StG

[Wonko The Sane]

A cellphone went off in church once, and the pastor said that it meant that the owner of the cellphone had to buy everyone pizza. I never saw it happen again. Once my pager went off, but it was in the middle of a song, and you could barely hear it.

[Troy McClure SF]

OK, three things-

First, my dad had a habit of popping Certs into his mouth all the time, included the middle of Mass.

Once at camp, one of the real schmucks at the camp received Communion "because he was hungry."

Once, me and the parents were in Mass. My dad has a bad back, so when it came time to sit down, he braced himself by pulling on the pew in front of us. It promptly tilted back about 4 inches off the ground. Me and my mom laughed pretty much the rest of the Mass.

And, I was also an altar boy. I was serving a funeral for the husband of a woman who helped out often at the school, keeping an eye on us little bastards in the schoolyard and such. We were seated on the altar and the preist's seat was a few feet in front of us. As the priest goes to sit, he slips, and he ends up clumsily slumping into the seat, moving it about a foot back. Not all that funny in itself, but we were on the altar during a funeral, and as we all know, it's always hardest not to laugh when you absolutely can't laugh. We failed that test.

FTR, I still see the deceased's widow and she seems to have no hard freelings, Thank God.

[occ]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but why even bring your mobile electronics to church? What, you might get an important page while walking from your car to the sanctuary? Since nobody intends to answer it anyway, what's the dilly-o?

[StGermain]

occ - I have a feeling that most people forget that they have them with them or turned on. Cell phones and pagers have become so much a part of many people's lives that they forget about them. Like putting on your shoes, you stick your phone in your pocket.

StG

[Polycarp]

Not a personal experience, but in view of the "we frown on displays of affection" comments that have been made:

One of our favorite priests once told us of an incident while she was growing up. She thought herself deeply in love with her boyfriend of the time, who went to the same church, and they would sit together and snuggle during services.

One old biddy came up to them after one such Sunday and said: "I'll have you know this is a church! There's no place for love here!" :rolleyes: