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05-29-1999, 11:57 AM
Why do women always say, "I think we should JUST be friends", when they break up with you, when they really mean, "F**k off!"?


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05-29-1999, 12:21 PM
Men do the same thing, you know. Generally, I just tell them to fuck off. Eliminates the middle-man.

--elm

05-29-1999, 12:28 PM
Sorry to hear about your recent break-up, Hoe.

I think women really do want to continue some kind of friendship when they say that. Deep in our animal brains, there is some sense of a control issue going on here. The man sees the woman as having gained the upper hand when the woman elects to terminate the physical aspect of a relationship, and many men respond with a shitty attitude due to a feeling of 'I failed to conquer' (not trying to demean, I've certainly been there).

Admittedly, there are usually hurt feelings involved on behalf of the dumpee, but the question could just as fairly be asked: why can't men accept a platonic relationship when a sexual one isn't right for both?


On the other foot, some women just use that as a b.s. line until they can retreat to a safe distance and say what they really mean. It’s all just a big social masquerade if you ask me.

Where’s an Anthropologist when you need one?

05-29-1999, 12:42 PM
Part of the problem is that a lot of men think that friendship is just part of the game, and the prize is sex.
When you tell them that you just want to be friends, they think that they've lost the game, and move on.

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"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
Hunter Thompson

05-29-1999, 03:15 PM
If a guy says to a woman ' let's just be friends,' I thought that means he wants to stay friends but when he is horny he can call and ask to have sex?

05-29-1999, 05:33 PM
Why not go ahead and remain friends? It can actually be a lot of fun. There’s a lot more to a relationship than just sex, fer christ sakes. Going places together with no pressure to impress, for example. Besides, once in a while you just might get lucky. :)
.......WHAT???
Peace,
mangeorge

05-29-1999, 07:30 PM
I must be unusual. I don't want to be friends with someone with whom I had a previous relationship. Unless by friends you mean if we happen upon each other by coincidence we can be civil to each other. I would probably say "I don't think this is working out---I don't want to see you anymore. Goodbye." I believe a clean break is best. That's the way to move on with your life.
I think a lot of women think that wanting to be friends eases the pain of rejection. But if a guy told me he wanted to just be friends (and, sadly many have) I would read that: "I find you about as attractive and exciting as my sister." Who needs that for their self-esteem?


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--Gail
What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?

05-29-1999, 10:55 PM
I agree it's primarily an effort to avoid hurting the other person...however, it depends on the emotional investment in the relationship. I was seeing a guy 5 years ago who was serious about me, but I wasn't in love with him and the hokey-pokey wasn't enough. Yet he was a great guy and I truly did want to remain friends. I told him it wasn't working for me and added "I hate to say this, but can we still be friends?" To my surprise, he said yes. We continued to have lunch, or dinner & movie occasionally or just hang out. He and I were communicating by e-mail, then I stopped getting messages from him. I think he probably decided not to continue our friendship because of his finance's concerns about it.

05-30-1999, 01:10 AM
Part of the problem is that a lot of women think that friendship is just part of the game, and the prize is sex.
When you tell them that you just want to be friends, they think that they've lost the game, and move on.

I think you're on pretty shaky ground whenever you start generalizing about the behavior of the sexes in relationships. The range of behaviors I've witnessed amongst my male acquaintances has been matched by that of my female acquaintances. Even if a statistically significant difference between the sexes can be identified for some behavioral trait, that doesn't tell you anything about an individual.

05-30-1999, 01:24 AM
What I'm talking about, is when a woman or a man says, "let's continue to see each other as friends", they are not asking cincerely, BE MY FRIEND. They are merely quoting (I can never get that word right) the universal dump line. On the other hand they dont want to lose you either, completly. So there you are, in mid air, not knowing if you are comming or going.

Why not just: I'm not in love any more (not with you anyway) it was fun while it lasted, GOOD BYE.


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05-30-1999, 01:34 AM
Why do you have so much trouble believing in friendship? A woman may find you interesting, funny, and generally great to be with, but she just isn't interested in you sexually any more. Tell me, when a woman says she just wants to be friends with you, do you stop exerting preasure to have sex and actually be a friend, or do you say, "Well I haven't got a chance with her, might as well move on."?

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"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
Hunter Thompson

05-30-1999, 01:43 AM
In most cases the fact is that, when a couple has broken up they can't continue to be friends. Not at least for some time. One of them is surely unhappy about the situation, and either hates him\her or is trying to get him\her back.

Sure I have female friends, one of my best friens is a woman. But I haven't had a sexual relationship with them. ( well maybe one or two, but that was years back )



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05-30-1999, 01:49 AM
Sometimes, it doesn't feel right to have sex with a man. The relationship was better when they were either flirting or good friends. My best friend Ryan and I fell into bed after knowing each other for about 8 years. CREEPY! We're back to being friends again, and both are a lot happier.
Never date someone who's like one of the family. It's like your screwing your brother.

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"On the edge of sleep, I awoke to a sun so bright..."

05-30-1999, 01:49 AM
I've had men give me this same line, so it's definitely not confined to one gender. In my opinion, it's a social formula designed to spare the dump-ee's feelings. It may MEAN "Fuck off" in some cases, but at least it sounds better, and it makes things less awkward if you have to deal with the person in the future. It's just one of those things you have to say in order to act decent and civilized, like giving your condolences at a funeral even if the deceased was a complete bastard. That's the way I see it, anyhow.

05-30-1999, 01:58 AM
On the other hand, AzRaek, I'm currently dating my best friend of 7 years, and having a blast. I guess it just depends on whether or not the flirting was sincere, or just posturing.

05-30-1999, 06:01 PM
Men talk with women, so they'll get to have sex with them.
Women have sex with men, so they'll get to talk with them.

(paraphrased)
Jay McInerny Brightness Falls.

In my own (and that of my friends) experience, women will always want to keep a door open, i.e. they break up cause they want to try out another guy, but at the same time, they want the possibility of going back.
I've heard of so many occasions where the girl seek out her ex, with the intention of having sex, whereas that almost never happens among men. When it's over, it's over for us.

ct

05-30-1999, 08:38 PM
Quite a lot of women, but no means all, want to make it just 'friends' just before their period approaches. Have no idea why but I have seen it dozens of times in practice. One woman explained it to me that the chemical changes in her body made her feel that way.

Another reason was to test a guys love for her.

So, what is the best response to this 'lets be friends'
statement from a woman?

05-30-1999, 11:01 PM
(So, what is the best response to this 'lets be friends'
statement from a woman? )-handy

Well I can come up with four anwers to this one:

1: Yes, I think it is the best thing to do.

2: Yeah, sure, why not?

3: Yeah, sure, I'll send you a postcard.

4: Yeeaahh, whatever...


I agree with Gail. A Cean break is probably the best thing to do. Otherwise you're just torturing yourself and others.


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05-30-1999, 11:20 PM
When a woman says she wants to be friends, there are two possible translations:

1) I am dumping you. Having been dumped, I believe that a person who dumps someone is a rat, so I am in denial of the fact that I am dupming you. I believe that if I merely ask to redefine our relationship, you will not notice that I am dumping you.

2) I am bored with you. I want to dump you to look for someone better. However, I want to keep in touch in case it turns out that they don't actually come any better.

There is a third, but it is much rarer:
3) I have just discovered I am attracted to women. I sincerely wish we had met AFTER I learned this about myself, because I really have a lot of fun with you, and I want us to keep hanging out doing all those cool things we used to do, but we can't have sex, because my girlfriend wouldn't like it. I hope that's not a problem for you. You are a great guy, and you would be the one, if I weren't a lesbian. I so regret that my sexual journey may have lost me a good friend. I hope you marry my sister.

Caution: if you are having so much fun hanging out with your girlfriend because she likes to do all this cool stuff you like too, and in fact, you are having so much fun that you don't even care if you don't have sex after every softball game-- Watch out for Number 3!


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--Rowan
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If my mother had been in charge of the War on Drugs, it would be "Just say 'No thank you.'"
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05-30-1999, 11:25 PM
(So, what is the best response to this 'lets be friends' statement from a woman? )-handy

"F--- off ... I have enough friends."

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"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings! Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and Despair!!"

05-31-1999, 03:40 PM
(So, what is the best response to this 'lets be friends' statement from a woman? )-handy

"No problem. But as a favor between friends can we keep having sex while I look for a new girlfriend?"

06-02-1999, 12:35 PM
I've heard of so many occasions where the girl seek out her ex, with the intention of having sex, whereas that almost never happens among men. When it's over, it's over for us. - Charlie Tan

Charlie, what planet are you on? Most women will seek out an ex if he's been a good friend after the break-up to talk, but I can't think of one woman I know who's gone back to her ex just for sex. OTOH, I know of scores of men who have gone back to their ex, faking a "let's make up", just to get a quick roll in the hay. I think it really depends on who broke up with who.

Hoe, sorry she's hurt you. I think women somehow think that saying "let's be friends" makes things easier, which it doesn't; that somehow it will make the rejection less painful. I'll agree with Gail. Make a clean break of things. It'll be easier on both. If you guys were really great friends before you started dating, maybe some time in the future, that friendship could resume, but I think she's imposed on it a little too much to expect that from you.

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Carpe Diem!

06-02-1999, 12:51 PM
Charlie, what planet are you on? Most women will seek out an ex if he's been a good friend after the break-up to talk, but I can't think of one woman I know who's gone back to her ex just for sex. OTOH, I know of scores of men who have gone back to their ex, faking a "let's make up", just to get a quick roll in the hay. I think it really depends on who broke up with who.

I can think of one--I dated her for three years. She dumped me, but we had sex a few more time after we broke up, all at her request. And, frankly, as heartbroken as I was over the breakup, I wasn't going to pass that up.

06-02-1999, 02:26 PM
Note that it is quite easy for a man and a woman to be friends without having sex as long as they both know that the other person would really like to have sex but that there are extenuating circumstances, like a marriage or something.

Huh, I always heard it was an ingredient in the wedding cake, or that the wedding band cut the female's "desire" nerve, or -- oh, you meant married to a third party. Nevermind.


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The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik

06-02-1999, 03:24 PM
Most I heard that friends line was with women
aged 15-35.

But it's been several days Hoe, so what happened?

06-02-1999, 06:59 PM
Well, in my line of work you have to work late into the evenings. Especially when the premiere draws near. This means that during a two week period we only saw each other when I came late at nights. She just couldn't take it. This happened three months ago and she's been calling me lately.
I have to agree with Charlie. She came to visit the other day and we made love. And thats it. She came to me seeking sex. Allthough I didn't mind, and probably would do it again.

My experience is that a guy will go to length to ensure the survival of the relationship, but a woman chickens out at the first bump.

Have you also noticed that a woman always tries to change her man?

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06-02-1999, 07:24 PM
[[My experience is that a guy will go to length to ensure the survival of the
relationship, but a woman chickens out at the first bump.
Have you also noticed that a woman always tries to change her man?]]

What I've noticed is that men and women like to generalize their personal experiences to the world at large.

My personal experience is that women constantly adjust their own behavior to make relationships function more smoothly--not just sexual/romantics ones, but also friendships, business relationships, etc. They just don't make a lot of noise about it. On the other hand, when a woman does make a demand for some kind of sacrifice from a man she is trying to "change him." This is a terrible thing, of course, as all men are just perfect the way they are.

06-02-1999, 08:24 PM
I read this magazine article (I was waiting, OK?) where this woman wanted her men to learn a simple sign language, so they could easily communicate their basic needs to her (all men's needs are basic).

Isn't anybody going to quote Paul Simon (who?)...you know..just slip out the back Jack, get a new key Lee, etc etc.

06-03-1999, 12:10 AM
>>I can't think of one woman I know who's gone back to her ex just for sex.<<

Uh, ::cough:: ....

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--Rowan
Shopping is still cheaper than therapy. --my Aunt Franny

06-03-1999, 01:27 AM
Generally, this means you have been dumped.

This is difficult for a guy to take, since it is almost impossible to imagine really liking a woman WITHOUT wanting to have sex with her. For that matter, it is difficult to imagine DISLIKING a woman without wanting to have sex with her.

I think for a woman it may be possible to like a man without wanting his body, so from her point of view it sounds plausible.

Note that it is quite easy for a man and a woman to be friends without having sex as long as they both know that the other person would really like to have sex but that there are extenuating circumstances, like a marriage or something.

06-03-1999, 02:00 PM
I can think of one--I dated her for three years.-PL
[qutoe]Uh, ::cough:: ....[/quote]Rowan

Whoops! Sounds like I have to take that back! Geez, I've got to stop reading all those romance novels! ;)




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Carpe Diem!

06-04-1999, 01:53 AM
I'm sorry if I'm generalizing. I love women. I think women are the most beautiful thing this planet has to offer. As much as women are wonderful they are equally cruel.
Maybe that's what makes the so loveable.
(I'm generalizing again, stop it...)


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06-07-1999, 05:10 AM
I can't speak for all women, but when I said, "Can't we be friends?" what I really meant was, "Can I be assured that you won't talk shit about me behind my back and ruin my chances of getting with anyone else?"

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Remember, I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together.
---Red Green

06-07-1999, 06:50 AM
Sunbear: "I read this magazine article (I was waiting, OK?) where this woman wanted her men to learn a simple sign language, so they could easily communicate their basic needs to
her (all men's needs are basic)."

There is such a simple language, its called "English" (insert appropriate language here); however in my experience using it for "simple" or "straight forward" communication on issues like this is a totally different kettle of fish. However if anybody knows of this new language that would enable me to communicate my basic needs in a straightforward manner without getting slapped please please let me know, its beggining to sting.

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It only hurts when I laugh.

06-07-1999, 04:04 PM
Esperanto, Moonshine, Esperanto.

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06-08-1999, 04:14 AM
I think it sucks when two people can't manage to maintain any sort of a friendship after the romance/sex/etc. is over. After all, if it was any sort of a relationship at all, one would think that the people would still get along, laugh about the same things that they laughed about before, enjoy each other's company for the same reasons that they did before, and so on. I know that many people just can't bring themselves to be comfortable in a platonic relationship with a person that they've been intimate with after the intimacy is finished, but personally, I just can't forget about the times "we" spent talking about this, or giggling about that, or the things that attracted me to (BLANK) in the first place, the things that made me want to have a relationship with him. Love, if it's real, and whether or not it turns into and continues to be something romantic, should not be based on whether or not you're having sex with someone. If you really love someone, you'll love them even after the sex is over with, and you'll still love being with them, even if it hurts to think about the fact that you used to be "in" love. You'll get over it. I firmly believe that everyone should remain friends with their ex-lovers. (Unless you have an ex who just generally treated you like a walking pile of shit...in that case, to hell with them.) :)

06-08-1999, 10:20 AM
I think one reason why some women say the dreaded "We can always be friends..." is so that she can keep the guy on a friendly basis incase she needs some heavy furniture moved. I have witnessed this with hubby and his former girlfriends on countless occassions. The problem that ticks me off is that when we ask for a favor, suddenly everyone is busy. (Everyone disappeared when we painted the entire interior of our house except two friends.) I've learned that if he asks me if it's ok to help so and so move/fix something on such and such a day, to ask for the payback then an there. It's amazing how many people suddenly say.." We may or may not need you for this, I'll let you know." and they never call back. This is just my armchair quarterback prognosis.

06-08-1999, 12:12 PM
Guys are also kept around for getting things off tall shelves too. More seriously, I think many people don't stay friends with their ex's simply because friendship wasn't what brought them together in the first place; there are plenty of other reasons to get together, and that's not even including physical reasons. The other thing is that as a guy, if you get dumped you don't neccessarily want to hang around and be confronted with your failure everytime you meet up with your ex, or even worse, be told about how things are going with her "new man". Wow, am I getting cynical in my old age or what!

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It only hurts when I laugh.