Explaining facts of life....

Recently, my 10-year-old stepson began experiencing one of the joys of being a growing boy (you know what I mean). Unfortuantely, my parents told me zilch about the facts of life and I had to learn in other ways (usually health books and encyclopedias). I want to be sure I explain everything correctly in a way he can understand, but not to give away too much information. Only what he needs to know right now. Can anyone suggest any teaching aids?


Trumpy the late bloomer

No, I don't know what you mean by that...

10? Shoot, most kids that age would turn to ya and ask you if *you* needed to know anything. lol.

My parents bought me a fairly heavy duty book on the subject. It had pictures, even. I didn't express interest to them when they gave it to me, but I read it cover to cover.

Handy,
Does the phrase "morning wood" mean anything to you?

I did see a really funny book once for kids.Sorry I didn't buy it for future reference. It showed a cartoon couple in action, but it was all very humorous. No, I can't remember the title or author.

What does Encarta say about sex?

'Where Did I Come From?' is the first book, with the cartoon sperm with the tophat and lapels.
'What's Happening to Me?' is by the same people, and talks about puberty.

Morning wood, Trumpy? Alright.

Let me tell you that boys can have hard ons from the time they are born. They don't have any control over them and they can come up at anytime. It doesn't always mean [especially doesnt at that age] that the male is ready for sex. It might just be exposure to cold, for example, or a need to pee in the morning.

TO answer your question, usually the schools teach facts of life --doesn't your sons? If they want to know anything, they let you know. I think 10 is too early for a heavy duty sex talk and the person giving it must be straight forward using real words without laughing. That way don't won't be embarrassed about it later.

A friend told me the way his mom handled (pardon the pun) masterbation with him was: " It's a natural part of life, but it is something done in private. And always have tissue nearby."

I have always thought that asking (and paying for the office visit) of taking my child to the OB/GYN to see the charts and the plastic models and learning from a qualified doctor or nurse would be an excellent way to cover the scientific aspect of it. The morals and that whole conundrum would be up to me.

I think 10 is too early for heavy duty sex talk and the person giving it must be straight forward using real words without laughing. That way don't won't be embarrassed about it later. -- handy
I think that 10 is about right. By 12, there are a fair amount of kids who are actually having sex. While that is too young (IMHO) to have sex, it is a reality that should be considered in educating.

Avoiding embarrasment is a reason that makes a book effective. I would have died if my parents would have given me a long talk on the topic. They made it clear that they would be glad to answer questions, but I was far more comfortable reading answers than asking for them.

TO answer your question, usually the schools teach facts of life --doesn't your sons? -- handy
The school education that I had was far from complete, and it was very clinical and biological. Learning the social and emotional aspects of sex are very important. That may be hard to get from books also, but I found more in that regard from books than I did from school. The book I found most useful was in encyclopedia format, and even included explanations of sex-related slang.

I don't really remember not knowing about sex in some way, shape or form. I think 10 might actually be a little late, really. He's never asked questions or anything? When I was 7, I was reading all about sex in the encyclopedia out of sheer curiosity alone.

Definitely get him the book. If you don't, he'll be hearing stuff about sex from his friends pretty soon, and they'll probably be wrong about half of it.

Buy him a book?! What for? Tell the kid straight out the facts of life. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, on either of your parts (is there?). Kids understand (and know) a heck of a lot more than we give them credit for, and they respond to being talked to with respect and kindness, no bullshit or patronizing. Sure, they'll squirm, they'll blush, so what? This is important stuff here.

They're going to learn it somewhere, might as well be from someone they love, someone who will not steer them wrong. Throw in a little anti-harassment / ethics spiel (heck, throw in some morality if you're a mind) and you'll have a tidy little package your child will thank you for later in life. Courage, man.. don't shirk your responsibility and don't delegate it, either. Book Schmook.

I suppose we're all different, and it may be different for boys and girls, but I personally never, ever wanted to talk to my mother about puberty. Puberty is what I'm talking about, and I assume that's what Trumpy's talking about, rather than sex per se. These are two different issues.

Nickrz, I'm not advocating anybody shirking their parental responsibility to be there and open with their kids, but I've seen this spiel before: "Kids WANT to talk to their parents about sex," and it's the biggest load of hooey I've ever heard.

Teenagers (and impending teenagers) tend to be sensitive about their privacy. They don't want to talk to their parents about their bodies. At least, I didn't. None of my friends did. My sister doesn't now. . . And that's something you need to respect.

You should make all the info available to him, and their's no harm in making it available in a myriad of different formats. Talking to him is a good one, but he should also have an alternative source to look to for when he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. No, your ten year old son does not want to talk to your about masturbation.

Okay, I think I've repeated myself enough here. Have fun.

Just cause the kid has a hard on once [or noticed by someone] he needs a full discussion about sex? Since when does a hard on mean that a body wants sex? It can mean a full bladder, exposure to cold, etc.

Shoot, at ten it's better to teach a boy how to pee then have sex.

Teaching kids ABOUT sex is not the same as teaching them to go out and do it. That's like saying that giving condoms out at high schools is going to make more kids have sex. Trust me, if kids don't hear about sex from their parents, they're going to be learning about it on the street, and hell, if you see the percentage of adults who miss questions on the Kinsey questionnaires, you certainly wouldn't want a kid to be getting the misinformation that OTHER KIDS would give him or her. It's best to make sure that your kid gets your information from you before they get it from some other idiot kid.

Nowadays, as much as adults don't want to think about this, kids are HAVING SEX at this age, or soon thereafter. I went to 6th grade with an 11-year-old non-virgin girl. Now, I realize that Trumpy's son is probably wondering about wet dreams and the like, but it's all the same. Better inform him now than let him get misinformation later.

I did not say they want to talk about it. Of course they don't want to talk about it, and niether do we. But in this day and age, this is not just about unwanted pregnancy (not that that isn't important enough), this is a matter of life and death. "Respecting" your child's right to remain ignorant about the most basic of human concerns is no respect in my book. Sounds to me like the easy way out and no bones about it. Take some responsibility and talk to your kids, tell them the way it is, and the hell with pop psychology or fear of embarrassing them. Too many people want to pass this buck.

As for talking about masturbation, how is that any different from talking about intercourse or STD's? Misinformation is misinformation ("it's bad.. it's naughty, blah blah blah) no matter what the topic. It's your duty as a parent to set them straight, and if you bow to the "I don't want to hear it," then chances are that's the way it already is - they don't listen to you - or that's the way it will soon become.

They can always go to the library and peruse the stacks for reference material and perhaps read Portnoy's Complaint to see what happens to little boys who pick up their sexual information secondhand.

Nickrz, sorry, I think we've crossed wires again. I'm not saying a that kids and parents should not talk about sex. It's definitely a parent's right and responsibility to ensure that the child knows the whole truth about all the challenges they will face as they grow up. But I do feel that these are issues best treated by different means, and I have some ideas about this as well (which is a whole different thread). Buuuuuuuuut

A kid may not feel comfortable talking to his or her parents about the changes going on in his or her body. And that does not lead to a fruitful discussion.

On the other hand, a kid who has access to a book with pictures of nekked people in it is probably going to check it out. A number of times. Thoroughly.

>>A friend told me the way his mom handled (pardon the pun) masterbation with him was: " It's a natural part of life, but it is
something done in private. And always have tissue nearby."<<

Geez, that sounds exactly like what my Aunt Fran would say, if she had a son, that is.


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--Rowan
Shopping is still cheaper than therapy. --my Aunt Franny

Sure, they'll squirm, they'll blush, so what? This is important stuff here. -- Nickrz
Yep, they will squirm and blush, and they will acknowlege everything you say. Because you can't possibly think of everything, and you aren't an expert in sexual education, you will of course leave important information out, and they will never ask you the questions that they really want to know!

Respecting" your child's right to remain ignorant about the most basic of human concerns is no respect in my book. -- Nickrz
I have never known anyone who wanted to be ignorant of sex. Certainly everyone I knew as a kid was insatiably curious about it. The simple reality is that a book can often get important information to the child better than you can't get it to them.

Yes, you should tell your child about issues that you consider critical for them to know. Yes, you should be open to questions. My parents told me plenty about important issues like birth control and disease. Nonetheless, I learned much more about sex from books than I did from my parents.

Just buy your kid the book, for fuck's sake. My mother is a gynocologist, and when I was about 8 and packing for camp, I asked her about a certain item on the packing list. I n response she drew me a picture of the uterus and explained the shedding of the lining. That was lovely and straight up, but wasn't very helpful when it came down to me dealing with how my body was changing a few years later. Not to mention that it didn't answer my question "What are sanitary supplies?'

Bottom line is that it's unlikely that you or he can anticipate every question and equally unlikely that he wants to discuss this with you at all. As for age, while I think most ten year olds understand the concept of how babies are made, they don't understand the process by which they become able to make them themselves. Buy him the book. Buy him the book.

Sorry, Mel and UDD..A kid may not feel comfortable talking to his or her parents about the changes going on in his or her body. And that does not lead to a fruitful discussion. I'm not suggesting you talk about the changes going on in their bodies, I'm suggesting you tell them the facts of life - from how intercourse is performed, its ramifications (sorry, I could not resist) to homosexuality, STD's and the meaning and importance of love in the process. It does not have to be a "discussion" at all. You talk, they listen and ask questions if they need to. The information you impart is all the "fruitful" you need. Give them the straight dope, fer chrisesake and leaven your talk with the wisdom they so desperately need.you can't possibly think of everything, and you aren't an expert in sexual education, you will of course leave important information out, and they will never ask you the questions that they really want to know! Geeze, experts can't think of everything either, but that does not mean they shouldn't impart the knowledge they do have. I consider myself quite more the "expert" than little Johnny down the block or Sister Mary Elephant, not only in the sense that I have the facts, but it is my set of moral values I wish to instill, not theirs. I would suggest that any parent undertaking "the talk" be thoroughly prepared - don't leave out important information, period. It's not that difficult.
Maybe the child will not ask you all the things he or she may really want to know - but at least they will have a firm foundation of fact to base their own search for knowledge on. And research, they will.

I just don't understand why people keep manufacturing excuses for not communicating openly and honestly with their children.

Geeze, experts can't think of everything either, but that does not mean they shouldn't impart the knowledge they do have. -- Nickrz

It seems that you are continuing to be under the impression that we are saying that books are supposed to be a replacement for talking to your children. I thought it was clear that we are saying that books are intended to be a supplement. My main point is that I consider books to be an essential supplement. I think that not supplementing a child's sex education with books will be denying them a lot of knowledge.

Ah-ha, now I see. We (that is, you and I, Nickrz) are talking about two different issues here. I am talking about puberty (which what I assumed Trumpy was asking about with his references to a 'growing boy') and you are talking about the, um, rest of the facts of life.

As for: "I just don't understand why people keep manufacturing excuses for not communicating
openly and honestly with their children." Hmmm, I guess this is as good a time as any to broach this subject: perhaps it's because those of us who are arguing with you are, um, younger and don't have any kids. And remember *acutely* those squirmy discussions with our parents on the subject? Just a possibility to throw out there. . .

It's me again. Didn't think I was going to open such a can o' worms! Melatonin was right in that I want to teach my son about why things are happening to his body. He's been taught that his body is his property and about not letting strangers touch him in inappropiate ways or places and so forth. He definitely likes the ladies though. He attends the school my wife teahces at and he was always a big hit with the cheerleaders!

So anyway, that was the jist of my original post. Thanks for replies.

When I first asked sexual questions, my mother literally threw the book at me. I think I was about five years old. It had a full size picture of a human egg, reproduced without copyright violation at the end of this sentence.

The book explained the mechanics and hygiene fairly well. It completely skipped the psychology. It never mentioned pleasure. I thought "gee, people must be pretty desperate to go through all this just to have children".

I've talked to my children, and they know they can ask me anything, but they seem to find the subject too embarassing. Or maybe they are just not interested.

I never considered waiting until they were 10.

Can anyone suggest any teaching aids?

That's what shady older cousins are for, Trumpy? <g> Seriously, I learned the facts of life at age 7 from my cousin, who was 5 years older. She knew a lot for her age, but that's probably a bad thing, because she ended up having a shotgun wedding at 19...
Seeing that I'm a teenager still, there will probably always be questions that I don't know answers to, and I know that my parents could probably answer any questions that I have. However, I also know that they'd probably be more mortified than I! So I don't ask many questions. I can always find books to read, and there are a lot of resourceful people online to ask (I don't know why I put my life in the hands of people I don't know, but it's like asking a parent without the initial embarrassment of the person being your parent.

My 2 cents...

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Welfy

I wonder what the king is doing tonight?

Uh.. toning down the rhetoric a bit, what I said goes for any subject, as far as I'm concerned. I have no objection to *supplementing* your remarks with reading/looking material - but rather than buy them a book, make sure they know how to use the computer or the Dewey Decimal cards at the library. Two lessons in one, and imagine all the fun they'll have later looking up books for pictures of naked people.

Only you know if your kid has the gutz or smarts to hear this kind of stuff, regardless of age.

Circumstances will dictate when the conversation should take place and how far the info should take you.

In the case of our daughter, she was 8 when my wife explained the whole thing to her. This was because my wife discovered she was pregnant, and wanted our daughter to understand what was happening and why. Some people would consider 8 to be too young, but since we had a case-history developing right in front of her, and since we know she's a smart cookie, it seemed right to explain everything.

Funny thing is, a day or so after the "Talk" we were riding along, and something brought up the baby in mom's tummy. My wife asked Lindsay, "So how did the baby get there?" Lindsay replied she didn't know. When Barb reminded her that she had explained all that, she replied "That's what I don't understand. If you and Daddy didn't do that, how did the baby get there?"

Barb replied, "That's the point, we DID do it." Lindsay was quiet for a moment, then, with perfect comedic timing, she replied, quite earnestly, "Oh, Mama, you're gross!"

One word of advice, seriously, is only to give kids what they ask for in a situation like this. Whatever they don't understand, they'll usually ask about. You don't have to cover everything you know about the subject, because it's more than they need to know, want to know, or can handle knowing. It's sorta like that joke about the guy who responds to his kid's question about where he came from with a detailed explanation of reproduction, only to have the kid say, "No, Jimmy said he came from Milwaukee. I wanted to know where I came from."

Good luck, in any case.


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The Dave-Guy
"since my daughter's only half-Jewish, can she go in up to her knees?" J.H. Marx

Books.

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

www.amazon.com Books.

I have always thought that asking (and paying for the office visit) of taking my child to the OB/GYN to see the charts and the plastic models and learning from a qualified doctor or nurse would be an excellent way to cover the scientific aspect of it. The morals and that whole conundrum would be up to me.

Depends on the doctor, and how well the childs relates to him/her. A friend of mine (Really! I got my own childhood sex education from Mom the RN - at age 7, incidentally, so 10 is not too young, even if I did think at the time *Surely you can come up with a better story than that*)Anyway, a friend of mine complained to me bitterly that her parents' sex education consisted of taking her to her pediatrician. His contribution was *So what do you want to know?* And there they sat in silence.

On the other hand, other friends of mine (as teenagers) detailed sneaking off/going with parental blessing to Planned Parenthood for educational sessions. However they got there, they were pleased to talk to an knowledgeable adult who didn't freak out over details of what they had done or were wondering about doing.

[What Am I doing here at 3]

Well I'm 13 and I figure that if kids are going to learn, better let them learn what they want. I learned about the actual process (I mean all the way down to chromosomes and genes, Thank God my mom's a Medtech)in the car when I was about 7. We learned it as a class in 5th grade (Thankfully i was out of town when we were assigned "the talk" [ALL KIDS PREFER THE BOOK TO THE ACTUAL TALK.]The kids probably will be more emmbarassed talking about the topic than you will. Get a book or let the kid have access to a dictionary, encyclopedia, internet just something to get them familiar to all the terms and kinds of it. No person can know too much. Kids are exposed to a LOT more explicit content than you think (most of the time they're not looking for it) I get a lot of junk email advertising sites like that (I delete them all. But all those sites don't affect a kid at all. Zero change.) Kids mostly become interested around 3rd or 4th grade and already know the external parts and how its supposed to feel. (They don't go out and try it. That's where the "joys" come in. It's mostly a need to satisy an urge and after a few years it will pass. The 95% of all guys... thing is probably true. It's no big deal, It's not hurting anyone. So leave it be. If you think your kid is doing it, they probably are, so just leave them in their bedroom and don't ever come in w/o knocking. (Ask something like "Can I come in?") Just don't worry about it, plus a lot of things kids hear on the street are true. So if you are considering talking to them about the subject, talk about it as mature as you can, (We still wish that you would just buy a book.) and make sure you explain everything, every kind, way, toys, and gratification. Also talk about the STD's and pregnancy, consider waiting til marriage. (What i'm doing) And Yes, some kids are having it at a young age but those are the people that act like sluts or try to show off. Just make sure your kids don't act like that. You just have to face the facts, Kids probably know more about sex than you do. 'nuff said

[Leslie]

You just have to face the facts, Kids probably know more about sex than you do. 'nuff said

I doubt it, Sporty. :) I appreciate your post, nonetheless.

[EnigmaOne]

The Life Cycle Library is a collection of 4 books, and it's a good one at that. I don't remember the publisher or copyright date, but Barns and Nobel can give you an idea if it's still available.


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--Kalél
(The Original EnigmaOne)
Common ¢ for all ages.

[Persephone]

Books AND talking. Let your kids know that you're there, for any and all questions. And inquire of them once in a while, when you suspect they may be ready to ask, but a little too embarrased to actually approach you. I remember my mom bringing home a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves," and sort of casually leaving it out. I asked her quite timidly if I could look at it. She said "Sure, honey, and if you have any questions, just ask." I asked a few, and she answered honestly. I appreciated that.

On a lighter note, I also remember my dad bringing home a copy of Playboy, with Pamela Sue Anderson on the cover. Being a HUGE Nancy Drew fan, I asked my dad if I could see it. He let me (and my brother as well), but he DID tell me what Playboy was about...BEFORE I saw my heroine in the buff. What effect did that have on me, you ask? Made me want to be a centerfold, just like Nancy Drew. :)

[Stoid]

This isn't really about teaching sex to kids, but I am reminded of the funniest, coolest book to teach kids about an uncomfortable subject that I ever saw. It was called "Everybody Poops" and it was a series of the cutest drawings and explanations about pooping, both human and animal. Really cute.

Perhaps the authors should create another book: "Everybody Fucks". Arf.

Stoid...just breezin' by

[OpalCat]

And Yes, some kids are having it at a young age but those are the people that act like sluts or try to show off.

Wow, hey! Look at the judgemental attitude! Lovely. I lost my virginity at 16, does that make me a slut/show off? I'd been dating the boy for over a year and a half, and we thought we were going to get married someday...

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&gt;^,,^&lt;
"Cluemobile? You've got a pickup..."
OpalCat's site: http://fathom.org/opalcat
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions (http://fathom.org/teemingmillions)

[Drain Bead]

I think he meant young, as in his age. I can see having sex at 16, but 13 IS very young, and the kids doing it at that age definitely have some mental problems.

[dougie_monty]

Our parents told us about sex in the plainest terms they could muster, although the three of us kids giggled a little: "The male peepee goes into the female peepee," etc. My brother and sister and I apparently put this information away, at the time, in our young mental file boxes and paid attention to normal kid stuff. (My brother and sister both later married and brought kids into the world; my brother three, my sister two.)
More seriously, when my own younger brother (13 years younger than I) was in the 3rd grade I told him where babies come from--in very plain language, too. As time passed, he married and had three kids of his own. (His own father was the kind of drunkard who didn't deserve kids and wouldn't put forth a damned bit of effort to raise his own kid.)