The Squeaking Bed!

[dougie_monty]

HOW do you get it to stop squeaking?? (Wooden head- and foot-boards; metal side rails; slats; box springs and mattress.)
This is maddening!!!

[Globe-trotter]

Do it on the floor, or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or....ooops, I'm getting carried away here. ;)

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I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895)

[mr john]

you and your soul mate should get adventurous. start doing it in different rooms. Or just give up sex totally. Seriously I am furniture maker and squekky is a problem.a few hints. tighten every screw and bolt you can.doesn't sound like you got any on that bed. Put a generous coating of paste wax on all the meeting parts. the ends of the slats and the rails where they rest. work a blob into the slots wher the rails go into the head and foot. get industrious drill two holes in each end of each slat and through the rail bolt it together. drill through the 'flanges' on the rails and screw them to the head. Sprinkle talc at rub points. good luck. Now i got this squeeky bench in the backyard and every time the wife and I.. oh, never mind no one can hear us out there.

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"Pardon me while I have a strange interlude."-Marx

[dougie_monty]

I think you've misunderstood me. I don't have a "soulmate." :( My point is much more mundane: It's maddening to lie in bed, and lean over to reach for a book, or answer the phone, or just roll over when I want to feel more comfortable, and the squeaking starts again. I'd just like to be able to do something to the bed to get it to stop the damn squeaking! (I'm 50 and, believe it or not, I have never "done it" at all.)

[dougie_monty]

Excuse me, MrJohn. I jumped the gun. I see you are answering my question. :)

[Diane]

Waterbed.

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>^,,^<
KITTEN

Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

[ChiefScott]

Valium.

[cmkeller]

Mousetrap.

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Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@schicktech.com

"Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks."
-- Douglas Adams's Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

[Leslie]

(I'm 50 and, believe it or not, I have never "done it" at all.)

Now this would be a much more interesting thread!

[Satan]

Re: 50 year old who has not "done it."

<h1>ACK!!!!!!</h1?

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Brian O'Neill
CMC International Records
rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html (http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html)

ICQ 35294890
AIM Scrabble1
Yahoo Messenger Brian_ONeill

[Satan]

Re: 50 year old who has not "done it."

<h1>ACK!!!!!!</h1>

------------------
Brian O'Neill
CMC International Records
rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html (http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html)

ICQ 35294890
AIM Scrabble1
Yahoo Messenger Brian_ONeill

[Satan]

*sigh*

Oh Mr. Moderator? Please feel free to censor the above abomination of HTML technique...

Bless you!

[Byzantine]

You have not done "it". Please define "it". What, conjugated a verb? Drove a car at over 100mph? Smoked pot? "It" is pretty vague... we need details here, man, details!

Or is this just to get your bed to stop squeaking as you continue your relationship with your right hand? Because, man, if you haven't gone there than I don't think you can go anywhere else!




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The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.

[dougie_monty]

You want details, I'll give you details. I have not had sex. No social life, nothing. I have never driven a car faster than 80 mph, and that for only short stretches. I have not "smoked pot"; I continued, for a while, a discussion of this topic in the Great Debates forum without success. (For the record I don't drink alcohol either--not even beer. I don't like rock, movies, or political and social causes. This may leave me with nothing--but I would rather look than leap.)

[Babar714]

Do you even kill people?

[dougie_monty]

Ask a silly question...
NO, DAMMIT!! I DO NOT KILL PEOPLE!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT INANE IDEA?????????!!
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"The signs don't apply to illiterates."--Al Jaffee

[Babar714]

Well, it's something to do...

[DougC]

- - - Well, obviously if somebody is a virgin there isn't much to tell. The older you are the more difficult it is to explain to a prospective bedmate that you don't have much experience. They often think it's a lie (to get them in bed) or that you're being cute. Either way (if you tell them or not), when they find out that you really don't know how to do things well they think you are wierd and they lose your phone number. -And tell their friends. - I for one can't do the "unhook-the-bra-with-one-hand" bit, and several girls have avoided me ever since the date that they found that out.
-
- I also think that this situation is more difficult for guys than girls. Women aren't expected to "perform" the way men are. The lady can bring him home and then pass out drunk and the guy will still leave (fairly) satisfied 15 minutes later. - MC

[dougie_monty]

Probably so. All things considered, I would have to be unbelieveably callous and cruel to get a woman drunk and then take her to bed, and then abandon her lest it turn out I got her pregnant. There's one woman I know who has borne three illegitimate children. The father of the most recent one ducked out and joined the Marines--and I even put an announcement on Yahooo in an effort to track him down.
So I consider it damn cowardly to "knock up" a woman. The only saving grace is that by "doing it," I take a stupid risk--I might get AIDS! As I see it that would be a fitting punishment for me.

[kellibelli]

Sweetheart...you are missing a beautiful thing....how sad.
If you found a sensitive woman, she wouldnt tease you about your inexperience...she would relish it!
Just to think...a man who learns to do ONLY what you like... :)
I think it would also be a great asset that you are a really SAFE partner...you underestimate yourself my friend....
Maybe the bed is squeaky cause its lonely.

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"Screw you guys...I'm goin' home!"

Ummm, MC, I WEAR a bra amd I can't unhook it with one hand!

[Omniscient]

I can unhook a bra with my mouth, no hands!!!!! A talent I love to show off. :)

[dougie_monty]

Thanks very much, Kellibelli. :) Granted I haven't been particularly tactful in this topic (or others in these forums), I like to think that somehow something I said here elicited a tactful answer from someone not wanting to make a joke, when I didn't want a joke.
I have no doubt that I have been missing something. But these days, feminism awareness being what it is--and Lord knows the women in my family have suffered immensely because of callous men--I certainly do feel a sense of guilt, real or imagined, about ordinarily male heterosexual feelings, because of, well, you might call it Weltschmerz: so many men have wronged women I rarely have the courage to be even merely social, lest I become guilty of the same thing.
(I knew a girl in high school who was, and is, a knockout. She has divorced more than once--and I told her mother, a yard customer of mine, that I was outraged enough about the way this undeserving husband of her daughter had acted, I felt like conking him over the head with a skillet!! Justice was rendered without that, however--this now ex-husband of hers is alone and probably without friends, a home, or money.)
Kellibelli, I wish I knew personally some women of your nature; I might be less predisposed to complain abnout bed slats squeaking. :)

[Satan]

*nudge nudge*

Psst... Hey Doug? I think kellibelli likes you, man...

[kellibelli]

hell, he can read, and he works.....who knows?
Really though, he is obviously an intelligent and sensitive man.
Dougie, your princess is out there, go find her.Boy, is she gonna be pleased!

[kellibelli]

Oh! I just read doiugie's profile...old movies!
Have you seen Splendour in the Grass?
On the Waterfront?
A Streetcar Named Desire?
Casablanca...?
I love those, I rent them to watch by myself, cause I dont know anyone else who likes them!

[Temujin]

You might try WD40.

[DougC]

- - - I can't recommend it. It chafes after ten minutes or so, and it tastes awful. - MC

[DougC]

- - - But seriously folks, WD-40 is a rust preventitive, not a lubricant. - MC

MC: WD-40 not a lubricant? That's news to me, plus a few million people who've been using it on hinges, guns, and the like for decades. (It also prevents rust, of course.)
=========================================
K-B: Love those old movies. "Penny Serenade" (I confess) gets to me. As for newer movies, have you ever seen "Robin & Marian"? The final scene never fails to get to me.

[kellibelli]

penny serenage...cant place the title.
Robin & marion- is that the one with sean connery? havnt seen it, but I will check it out now.
Have you seen Deliverance?
How 'bout Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid...classics!!

[DougC]

- - - WD-40 is not a lubricant, and furthermore, if used, it tends to wash away other lubricants. IIRC the main ingredient is kerosene.
-
- Generally speaking, among liquid lubricants, the ones that are thickest work best and WD-40 runs pretty thin. - MC

[Byzantine]

Hey, I'm sorry if my joking around slammed you. I didn't mean to.

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The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.

[BunnyGirl]

I can unhook a bra with my mouth, no hands!!!!!
Omni, for a rocket scientist, you've got some pretty interesting talents. For the record, I can tie a cherry stem (like from the maraschino cherries they put in drinks) in a knot with my tongue. I guess this would be filed under the "Useless Tricks" category.

Onto the subject at hand: Dougie, have you thought about getting involved in some clubs or such that deal with your interests? That's always a good, non-threatening way to meet people. It's good that you've been aware of how the women in your family have been treated; you'll make some woman a wonderful partner. 50? You're only 1/2 way there!

[Omniscient]

Bunny, the cherrie stem trick is an old favorite of mine. Bartending you get to develop these talents. Funny how that trick turns into the perfect pick up line at 1 AM, using no words and works for both sexes!

As for my talents...lets just say that I enjoyed college, and didn't miss out much ;)

[Leslie]

Hey, Bunny or Omniscient. Will you teach me to do the cherry stem trick? I've always wanted to know how to do that.

Impressed with and in awe of both of you -

Leslie
whose tongue is in excellent shape

[StrTrkr777]

I can undo my wife's bra with one hand, but I would be afraid to try it with my mouth, might get hurt that way.

Still don't know how to do the cherry stem.

Doug, there is no shame in remaining a virgin, I applaud your convictions. In my opinion sex is only good when you share it with someone you truly love, not just someone you say "I love you" to. If you want to you will find the right person for you.

Jeffery

[Frankie]

Bunny-
I like you more everyday! Its a shame I moved outta Michigan!

[Rich Barr]

Dougie_Monty: [[I certainly do feel a sense of guilt, real or imagined, about ordinarily male heterosexual feelings, because of, well, you might call it Weltschmerz: so many men have wronged women I rarely have the courage to be even merely social, lest I become guilty of the same thing.]]

You can't let yourself think that way, Dougie. If you buy into the idea of collective guil, the whole human race should drink poisoned Kool-Aide and leave the planet for the cockroaches.

I realize there are people out there who push notions like this--the whole Andrea Dworkin "all male-female sex is rape" thing--but it's a load of crap. You are responsible for what YOU do, not for what others may have done in the past. And considering your hypersensetivity about it, I doubt there would be much chance of you doing that which you worry about.

You really should look into therapy, man. Not because you have to go out and be the make-out king of the local singles bars--if you're satisfied with your life, then don't change it. But carrying a load of guilt for what you've never done just ain't good for you.

As for squeeks...WD40 is SO a lubricant. Use it on beds, on fans, on mice--you name it.

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Rich Barr
massivemaple@hotmail.com
AOL Instant Messenger: Hrttannl

[Temujin]

I think WD-40 could really help here.

[Strainger]

Frankie, what's really a shame is that BunnyGirl is married!!

[BunnyGirl]

:0 Ooh, I'm blushing!

Dougie, I agree with Rich. Finding a professional to talk to may help you understand yourself better and open yourself up to new experiences.

Leslie, if you buy the cherries, I'll provide the lessons free of charge...then we'll impress all the bar flys!

[BunnyGirl]

:o
:O
Doggone it, which one worked?

[dougie_monty]

I feel overwhelmed... :) :O :)
As far as the bra bit is concerned...of course, I have not had the courage to try to do this myself, but theroetically at least it should be possible to unkhook a bra from inside the top--dress top, blouse, or whatever. Unhooking the back center (or front center) clasp and then the buckles on the front should loosen the entire bra so that, once it is slipped directly off the bosom (and I bet a lot of guys would enjoy it if they could get away with this!!) The bra should be easy to pull out from under the outer garment, at the top or bottom of the garment or even out through a sleeve or armhole. (I think Jennifer Beals did this in Flashdance, slowly unhooking and removing her bra out from under her sweatshirt in front of the guy while talkinig to him; she must have made him really passionate--deliberately!!)
I had been going to a psychiatrist, until there was a billing mix-up (that's a story in itself) and I could no longer have sessions. The last session was five years ago. :( (I qualify for Medicare and the California Medicaid supplement, Medi-Cal.)
The kind things Kellibelli and the others have said have made damn good sense to me! I wish someone who feels that way would contact me by e-mail, at montgomerydou55@hotmail.com. :)