just fucking elope

[Vertiginous Annie]

:mad:
The SO and I recently shelled out a load of cash to visit his brother and the future sister-in-law.
There's a lot to rant about THAT, but I'm trying to get over it. Needless to say, the sis-to-be didn't make the best of impressions.

Now we learn that the couple is on the verge of scrapping their original wedding plans in favor of a low-key beach wedding with a few guests.
Lovely, right? Except they're planning on the Fucking Bahamas.
Sure - they get a huge discount on the hotel and air, b/c they're in the industry. However, the discounts do not extend to family/friends.

Perhaps if they would have prepared those invloved 6 mos ago, when they announced the first plans, I wouldn't be pissed. We could have planned a bit more. But now the cost to attend has more than tripled, we have to get passports renewed, more time off from work, etc... GOD! We have to go, as my SO is the best man.

Just fucking elope. :mad:

Hmmm. It does feel better to vent a bit. Can't bitch to the SO, after all.

[jjimm]

You could just not go?

[The Wrong Girl]

Completely selfish. Completely--if they really cared about having family there, they should have made sure that they could procure discounts for family and friends. Maybe if all of their family and friends are well-off, this wouldn't be so bad, but it's still rude to change plans at the last minute. I see that your SO has to go, but do YOU have to? If you feel this strongly about it, I would suggest you not attend at all. You could also feel confident placing this rant in etiquettehell.com, methinks.

Weddings are decidedly not for me, and my father has offered me $10,000 if I choose to elope, so I know what I'm doing. If my husband-to-be wants a large wedding, though, I will have no trouble letting him pay for it.

[Vertiginous Annie]

Sigh - I wish...
The SO is the best man.
As for me, I was Maid-of-honor (horror) in the WEDDING FROM HELL last march, and the SO suffered even more than I did in that fiasco. I owe him really really really big.

[jjimm]

In that case, bite the bullet, tighten the belt, and prepare yourself for a lovely Caribbean vacation (with a wedding thrown in incidentally).

[ElwoodCuse]

This thread is awesome, coming so close to the other rant about how much weddings cost.

[obfusciatrist]

Well, there is no law saying the SO has to be the best man, even if the conditions change. Just say "sorry man, but we just can't cut the expense or the time right now; we wish you well."

[Vertiginous Annie]

I forgot to mention.
The brother has requested that I not be present the day before the wedding. Not anything against me - he wants only his bro and his 3 best friends with him before the trip down the ailse.
Also, the SO can only take the day before, the day of, and the day after off of work.

So - tropical paradise, no SO to share it with. Yeahy!!!! I'll be hanging out with the parents! Yeahy!

Better to get the bitterness out now...

[scout1222]

This sounds like a nightmare.

They get married in a locale that requires people to put up money and travel...and then they start to dictate rules.

Grrrr.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Not to be a nag or anything, but it is THEIR wedding.

Yes it's inconvenient for you. Yes it's expensive for you. Yes it's a pain in the ass for you. Unfortunately, this isn't really about you. So, you can either suck it up, go, and have the best time you can,(Hey, parents or no parents, you're still in the Caribbean) or you can not go and feel morally superior, or you can go and grump yourself into a lousy time.

Personally, I would go, have a great time, and then start planning some ridiculous party/wedding/engagement/whatever event that will be fun for you and your SO, and cause this couple undo expense and trouble. :D

[yojimbo]

I can honestly say if it was my brother I'd tell him I can't go.

YMMV

[Cheesesteak]

alice don't start with the "it's their wedding" stuff. Just because it's a wedding doesn't give them carte blance to be jerks. The couple is going to save themselves thousands of dollars on the wedding at the expense of their guests. Annie is being forced to spend a bundle of money on a 3 day vacation she didn't really want. A vacation she won't even be able to spend with her SO because of the stupid demands of the groom.

I think the whole thing is very rude, it isn't easy for people to just up and make plans like this, especially on short notice. I'd probably cave in and go (sucker), but I'd really want to just tell them "sorry, no can do."

[CrazyCatLady]

I don't care if this IS their wedding, this is an utterly ridiculous situation. When you decide to have a destination wedding, you have two options: you can either spring for travel and accommodation for everyone, or you can accept that some folks just won't be able to do it. You do NOT have the right to expect people to shell out big bucks and major travel time to attend, especially if you make this decision this late in the game.

Annie, give me some contact info on these mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, microcephalic wastes of oxygen, and I'll tell 'em how it is, one destination bride to another. If you won't let me at them, you and the SO could stay home and tell the couple to spend their travel savings on web-casting the ceremony so you can watch at home in your jammies.

[alice_in_wonderland]

It doesn't say anywhere in the original post that the couple is demanding that people attend.

I have no doubt that if brother said to the couple "I'm sorry, we can't afford the expense of a trip right now." the couple would either accept that, or offer to help with costs.

If Annie and her SO don't want to go, they shouldn't go. My only point is that if they feel they HAVE to go, at least try to enjoy the trip.

[DeadlyAccurate]

My sister's former roommate is having a destination wedding next January (cruise to the Bahamas), and they made the decision with the understanding that not everyone would be able to make it. My sister and her husband are saving up to go, because a) they've never been on a cruise, and b) the former roommate is like a family member. They did everyone the courtesy of making their plans known well in advance (I think about a year ago at least), so that everyone who wanted to go would have time to save. I think the OP's BIL is expecting too much, and if it's out of their budget, I'd just tell him.

[Guinastasia]

Oh gosh, not the, "It's THEIR wedding, THEIR special day!"

There's a special place over at etiquette hell for people like that!

And I think the brother not wanting her SO to spend time with her is being really obnoxiously shitty.

I'd say screw 'em.

[Green Bean]

I dunno, alice. It's his brother. If my brother was getting married in Timbuktu, I'd find a way to get there and vice versa. Of course, my brother wouldn't be so inconsiderate to get married in Timbuktu--except on the off chance that he was marrying a Timbuktuian. At least then there would be a reason to have everyone schlep out there.

In other words, Annie's SO has to go.

But Annie doesn't necessarily have to. It sounds like she won't even be able to see the SO while she's there. (She can still owe him one. Debts like that never expire! :p )

Last year, my husband attended a family wedding in Florida without be because of money/work considerations. (The couple actually live in Florida, though.) It wasn't a perfect solution, but everyone was pleased that at least one of us was able to go. People need to understand that out-of-towners may not be able to come to an event. And if they get offended, fuck 'em.

[Green Bean]

I dunno, alice. It's his brother. If my brother was getting married in Timbuktu, I'd find a way to get there and vice versa. Of course, my brother wouldn't be so inconsiderate to get married in Timbuktu--except on the off chance that he was marrying a Timbuktuian. At least then there would be a reason to have everyone schlep out there.

In other words, Annie's SO has to go.

But Annie doesn't necessarily have to. It sounds like she won't even be able to see the SO while she's there. (She can still owe him one. Debts like that never expire! :p )

Last year, my husband attended a family wedding in Florida without be because of money/work considerations. (The couple actually live in Florida, though.) It wasn't a perfect solution, but everyone was pleased that at least one of us was able to go. People need to understand that out-of-towners may not be able to come to an event. And if they get offended, fuck 'em.

[Cheesesteak]

Darn, hamsters ate my post, hope this doesn't double up.

What [b]Green Bean[b] said, mostly. The SO is kind of pressured to go, being the brother and Best Man.

Of course, you're right that they should just try and make the best of it, if they decide to go. I'd suggest lots of Pina Coladas.

[Vertiginous Annie]

Thanks for the support!
CrazyCatLady - Hehehe.

Well, there's a chance that this was just a whim that was voiced before fully thought out. I know that they have not yet booked flights or the hotel for themselves, so my fingers are crossed.

And maybe they don't want us there after all. The bride despises her family (she refered to them as the bitch sister and the bitch mother). The groom is rather indifferent. He really only likes to be with the bride, and tends to avoid all other humans.

Ah well... we shall see.

Thanks again, everybody! I have a tendency to be an angry pessimist, but I feel much better. If we go, we go.... we just won't have x- mas presents this year. Or next year.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by Guinastasia
And I think the brother not wanting her SO to spend time with her is being really obnoxiously shitty.

Yah, well except that the brother wants his best man to SPEND TIME WITH HIM at, I dunno, a STAG maybe.

I've known a lot of people who've been married, and I don't know any of the men that were keen to have the girlfriend of the best man at the stag to watch the festivities. :rolleyes:

[Green Bean]

Where'd my last post go? To the Bahamas, I guess...

Annie--do tell us more about the sister-in-law-to-be when you get a chance, please. Sounds interesting.

[Vertiginous Annie]

Actaully - it's not for the stag.

If the wedding will be help in Florida (still a flight from where we live), the groom expects a stag party 2 days before the wedding (if my SO can leave work) traditionally at a strip joint. I do not have a problem with this, as long as my SO does not get a lap dance.

The day before the wedding, the groom has requested that my SO and a few other friends (male and female) stay with him. Also not a problem in theory. If the wedding goes back to FL, I will simply fly there the day of the wedding. HOWEVER, I think it's shitty to keep that in place if we're going all the way to Bermuda.

My SO hardly ever sees his brother, and I would not bitch about the groom wanting a bit of extra time.

I simply feel that the bride and groom are neglecting to acknowledge the logisitcal and financial difficulties that their new plan causes.

I do not think I mentioned this before, but the brother is older... 26 or 27, I believe. My SO is 23. We are NOT established, we do NOT have money to burn. We did pick up the tab a lot when we visited (perhaps they thought I came from money because of that?), but we had budgeted for 6 mos. to do so.

We're not poor by any means, but we're young, trying so save enough so we can get married and move... I'm just stunned that the brother hasn't taken my SO's situation into account at all.

[Dogzilla]

Well, is it Bermuda or the Bahamas? Both in the Carribean but still a big difference.

I was going to say that you don't really need passports to get into the Bahamas. I've been there twice, once via cruise ship, once via airplane. They'll let you through Customs with a valid U.S. driver's license.

But if it's Bermuda now... I don't know. You'll have to do some research.

[Vertiginous Annie]

The sister-in-law.
Hmm.

Well, I was disappointed. I so wanted to adore her. I don't have sisters, and it would have been fun to have her as a friend. We have a lot of common ground in in general, but the specifics are polar opposites. Example: She sings! I sing! Yeahy!!!! And yet, it all fell to shit when she said she loved Celine Dion, and I said I loved Bjork. Dead silence ensues.

And the baggage. She's a large girl. Not morbidly so, but more than plump. I used to be pretty large myself - and I remain a curvy girl. Still, I think she saw me as the enemy. I tried not to be obnoxious - but it all went to hell. She wanted fast food, I said I couldn't eat it, I'd prefer a salad. I think she was sensitive about that. I just didn't want to poop all night, as grease is likely to make me do. I was also tired and nervous the whole week, hence I was being a little fussy about food, and I didn't always join in on the snacking. I think it made her feel self-conscious about what she was eating.

She's also from the south. I'm from Chicago, but now live in New England. There was some strange tension there, too. Not yankee-confederate, more like she assumed that we would assume she was an uneducated hick.
And she did not graduate from college.
It was like she needed to prove herself - but she didn't, and it made me really uncomfortable. She was combative - she was the expert on everything. She definately pulled the alpha-female thing on me (and yes, I had moments of snarling and growling right back - of course, the boys had no idea...they thought we were playing nice.)

They refused to take us to see their apartment - gave us totally lame excuses. "It's dirty" - we don't mind, you should see our place! "No, it's really filthy" - well, if it matters to you, you had 6 months to clean it. Not to mention we were there a week... could have tidied and had us stop by.... we said we'd love to just hang out one night... it was insulting.

The sister-in-law also had the brother renig (sp?) on his birthday gift to my SO - 2 nights of the hotel room. Not a big deal, but considering we got them into theme parks for free, paid for dinners, and were about to shell out some major cash for a show, I thought that was shoddy. Needless to say, we went dutch after that and skipped the show.

My SO thinks the brother painted a rather hoity-toity picture of us. My SO is a chef at a high-class French place, and yes, we do like nice food, and yes, nice wine (but we live in a shit hole and drive clunkers, and rarely indulge in the nice food and nice wine).
It was just strange.

I still want to like her - thinking of a million reasons she acted that way. And I probably did come off kind of snobby, because I was offended by them very early in the game and thus was wary...


Phew.... ah well. They are great for each other, at least.

[Morbo]

Let the SO go, you stay home. Saves money and heartache. Hell, I'm going to a wedding in Detroit in two weeks and my wife is staying home for those same reasons. Why do you have to be there?

[Rilchiam]

Many of the stories in Etiquette Hell involve people scrambling to replace honor attendants. Let 'em eat cake, ha ha.