Desperately need one liners and short jokes.

[leechbabe]

We are putting together our work newsletter and we usually include a couple of funnies to keep the readers amused.

My boss has just given me a book of one liners that he was given by our newsletter publisher. Unfortunately it’s really not suitable eg:

“A secretary is someone you pay to learn to type while she looks for a husband.”

“The overworked prostitute made two appointments for the same time. She managed to squeeze them both in.”

Rather than go back to my boss and say the contents of the book could be offensive to our readers (they were to me), I would like to give him some alternative options.

What I’m looking for is stuff that’s mostly PC (I don’t want to offend our readers) and fairly upbeat. So can the Teeming Millions help me out, please?

[kambuckta]

Leechy, the more I read about your boss, the more I despair! :D :( :rolleyes: :smack: :D

[Green Bean]

Maybe not appropriate for work, but I'll post it just because I like it:

The dyslexic insomniac agnostic stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

[Green Bean]

Or how about a series of "a guy walked into a bar" jokes. There are plenty of inoffensive ones:

A guy walked into a bar. It hurt.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "You've got a drink named Irving?"

[erin uh oh]

would the "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes be offensive? there are pleanty of those...
what do you call a gwnaanl:
at a concert?
-mike!
tacked to the wall?
-art!
in a cemetary?
-doug!
on the porch?
-matt!

etc. and then, what do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a barbecue?
...patty!

the more i think about it, though, the more the mental imagery disturbs me. but maybe you could still use them. good luck!

[Clever Hans]

I always like this one.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What's brown and sticky. A stick.

A rabi a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Crap I'm in the wrong joke."

Remember.... you said pc not funny.

[leechbabe]

Originally posted by Clever Hans

What's brown and sticky. A stick.


lol that one cracked me up :p

I like the guy walking into bar jokes. Think they would appeal to our members to.

Thanks everyone who's responded so far.

[Mofo Rising]

Wanna' hear a dirty joke?
A horse fell in the mud.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
AAARRRRHHH!

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Disappointing George.
Disappointing George who?

[TheRob]

I know I've seen this thread before, minus the, "can't be really offensive" clause. I'll look for it.

[Little Bird]

What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk.

How many mice does it take to screw in a ligtbulb?
Two. The tricky part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What happens when four bullfighters walk into quicksand?
Quatro Sinko. (cinco)

[astro]

Big List

Clean One Liners (http://emacbeth.home.mindspring.com/Quotes/oneline.html)

My favorite

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

[Kat]

There was a batch of muffins in the oven. One said "It sure is hot in here." The next one said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

I stole that from a bad joke thread somewhere on this board.

[LifeOnWry]

Why are elephants big and grey and hairy?

Because if they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin.

[LifeOnWry]

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Seven]

I just ate in the new resturant on the moon. The food was good but there was no atmoshpere.

[JThunder]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

[interface2x]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

[Burnt Sugar]

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

Why did the Bee have his legs crossed?
He couldn't find the BP station*

*May only make sense to Australians.

[Knowed Out]

Elephant jokes are always good.

What's the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.

How do you have sex with an elephant?
When he steps on you, you're fucked.

What's grey and comes in quarts?
A Timex. (better to tell this one aloud.)

[kambuckta]

Originally posted by Knowed Out


What's grey and comes in quarts?
A Timex. (better to tell this one aloud.)

OK, I tried it out loud, and I tried it softly to myself, and I tried it on the kids and I tried kneeling down and praying it to the heavens, but I STILL DON'T GET IT.

Colour me thick perhaps, or, better still, pleeeease tell me what I'm missing here!!

[kambuckta]

Ah-hA...the light turned on for me! Please ignore my ignorant previous post. I GOT it ok!

(Ya gotta read the WHOLE joke out, not just the punchline to get it). And after the previous elephant jokes, one is inclined to focus on those critters as the topic of the pun.

You can colour me smugly satisfied now.

[KneadToKnow]

Dentist says to the lady, "I'm gonna have to pull that tooth out."
The lady says, "Ooooooo, I'd rather have a baby."
Dentist says, "Make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair."

Thank you, Buddy Hackett.

[Stink Fish Pot]

What's invisible and smells like a worm? Bird fart.

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His underwear fit like a glove.

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally posted by Blue Curls
*May only make sense to Australians.

If you meant British Petroleum stations, I rememebr seeing those in and around Montreal when I was a child.

Not since, though.

[Burnt Sugar]

Originally posted by Bryan Ekers


If you meant British Petroleum stations, I rememebr seeing those in and around Montreal when I was a child.

Not since, though.

Yeah, I guess that is what I meant, I never knew what BP stood for though, thanks!

[longhair75]

why do elephants wear tennies?

because ninies are too little and elevenies are too big

[Dave_D]

Originally posted by kambuckta
Ah-hA...the light turned on for me! Please ignore my ignorant previous post. I GOT it ok!

(Ya gotta read the WHOLE joke out, not just the punchline to get it). And after the previous elephant jokes, one is inclined to focus on those critters as the topic of the pun.

You can colour me smugly satisfied now.

I still don't get the joke. Could someone explain it? I said the whole thing out loud.

What's grey and comes in quarts
A timex.

Still makes no sense to me.

[kambuckta]

OK Dave, just for you:

If you read quarts as QUARTZ, you'll get it.

Gee, I'm so happy that I can enlighten someone (for once!!)

[Kyomara]

Originally posted by Blue Curls
He couldn't find the BP station*

*May only make sense to Australians.
Actually, there are BP stations all over the U.S. Some call them "Bippy."

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like................................................................................................ .................................................................................................... ......................................a beer." Bartender says "why the big pause?" (paws...get it?)

The great telekinteicist swore that he could stop a speeding locomotive with his mind. He stood on the tracks with his eyes closed, concentrating all his powers on the train, barelling toward him down the tracks. Of course it hit him and he was killed instantly. But every spoon on the dining car was bent.

Not quite a one-liner, but I always liked it.

[FlyingDragonFan]

Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics USA Pageant?
Because they couldn't find anyone to wear the sash that said "Idaho."

[GrizzRich]

It works best if you YELL the response...

Q-What's brown and sticky?
A- A STICK!!

Q-What do you call an boomerang that doesn't return?
A- A STICK!!

[keeper0]

Sometimes I feel as though I wasn't meant to believe in predestination.

I had to return my Panasonic alarm clock. It was slightly ahead of our time.

[Beadalin]

Mofo Rising, "Disappointing George" is hilarious. Subtle, and hilarious!

I've posted this before, and I'll post it again:
Q. What did the hat say to the hat rack?
A. You stay here, I'll go on a head!

[owlstretchingtime]

a dyslexic guy walked into a bra

I went for a walk in the graveyard today. I saw a man with a small dog. I said "morning" he said "no walking my dog""

Boom and furthermore boom.

[The Ace of Swords]

More stolen jokes:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupti [MOOOOOOOO!]

[Khadaji]

Did you hear about the dyslexic warlock who sold his soul to Santa?

[B. Serum]

Originally posted by Blue Curls


Yeah, I guess that is what I meant, I never knew what BP stood for though, thanks!



Ever since they merged with a bunch of other oil companies and became THE NUMBER ONE BIGGEST oil company, they are dead-set on becoming seen as being eco-consious.

B.P. now stands for "Beyond Petroleum"

I'm serious. This is not a joke.

[Max Torque]

"My uncle is severely allergic to cotton. The doctor gave him some pills, but he can't get them out of the bottle...."

I'm proud, PROUD I say, that my "small, white and smooth" elephant joke is finally being appreciated by others.

If you want tons of one-liners and short gags, listen to Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg. Their acts are pretty much one short joke after another. Examples:

"Sex with my girlfriend is amazing. It's like a rock concert. She screams a lot...and she throws frisbees around the room. When she wants more she lights a match."

"The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I went over to my friend's house and helped him stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move."

[leechbabe]

Thanks guys these are great :)

Special thanks to Astro for the link. Mucho helpful.

[LolaCocaCola]

Originally posted by Ace0Spades
More stolen jokes:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupti [MOOOOOOOO!]

Hehe

That's one of my all-time faves.

:p

[racer72]

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says he doesn's serve string in his bar. The string goes outside and unravels himself and ties himself. He goes back in the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender asks "Aren't you the string that was just in here?" The strings says no, "I'm afraid not."

[TheLoadedDog]

How do you ask a partially deaf guy if he wants a rabbit?
YOU WANNA RABBIT?

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like.

Why was the fisherman buried on the west side of the hill?
Coz he was dead.

Why did the elephant paint the soles of his feey yellow?
So you couldn't see him floating upside down in custard.

What did the thirty-ton parrot say?
Polly want a cracker NOW!

What do you call an angry nine-foot tall psychopath with an AK-47?
Sir.

Don't worry. Just a little prick with a needle.
Yes, but what are you going to do?

[Dave_D]

Originally posted by kambuckta
OK Dave, just for you:

If you read quarts as QUARTZ, you'll get it.

Gee, I'm so happy that I can enlighten someone (for once!!)

Thanks for the help. I actually ended up figuring it out before I read that while I was on the can. Hey, don't laugh, I do some of my best thinking in the bathroom:-)

[baltotop]

Originally posted by FlyingDragonFan
Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics USA Pageant?
Because they couldn't find anyone to wear the sash that said "Idaho."


LOL ..... HAHAHA That one was classic.


Here are a few that i can remember...


-I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


And checkout my sig...

Hope you can use these... Baltotop

[Essured]

Originally posted by TheLoadedDog
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like.

I prefer the other version :

Where do you find a dog with no legs ?

Where you left it :)

My groan-worthy contribution :

How do you catch a unique animal ?

U-nique up on it :)

[longhair75]

friend max torque,
I'm proud, PROUD I say, that my "small, white and smooth" elephant joke is finally being appreciated by others.

this may be the funniest joke i have ever heard. thanks.

[Khadaji]

For the Comic Book geeks:

Did you hear that FireStar and Iceman had a son? They named him Luke.