My stepmother is a vandal and a theif

[kung fu lola]

Six months ago, it was midnight and I was writing down a list of songs I wanted a friend of mine to burn onto a mix CD for me (No not pirated music; he's in a band and the music is his). I was making this list in my writer's journal. When I went to bed, I accidentally left it on the couch in the den.
I headed off to work, thinking the journal was safely esconced in my room, but came home at 11 that night to a note from my stepmother that read; "If I ever find that trash lying around, I am putting it in the garbage. [Your ten year old brother] doesn't need to be exposed to that crap."
The most objectionable things I could find in the notebook were a love scene I had been working on for a novella about a married couple that was more Harlequin than Penthouse, if you know what I mean. Also, there were snippets of a short story involving a self-mutilator, which I understand is disturbing.
But the point is: WHAT WAS SHE (OR MY BROTHER) DOING, READING A NOTEBOOK THEY KNEW WAS NOT THEIRS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!
I know my brother is only 10, but if he is old enough to understand about leaving the bathroom door closed, and not playing with himself in front of company, he is old enough to understand about privacy. How hard would it be to open my door, toss the book in, and leave it at that?

On Thursday night, I accidentally left out another journal, a different one. This one I had been working on for two years. It had one picture of a naked woman inside it (only showing boobs and pubes, not a beaver shot or anything), and a few references to people "fucking". My stepmother was up at 6:45 AM doing laundry, and as soon as she saw it, she snatched it up and threw it in the garbage.
I went through two big garbage bags last night and I couldn't find it.
Goodbye, journal.
And fuck you, stepmonster, you moralizing, small-minded, yokel hick trailer-trash tightassed control-freak.

[Wikkit]

Ann Landers would say you left them out so that she'd see them, so you two could have a heart to heart conversation.



I'd say you probably shouldn't leave out things that you know will piss her off just so that you have something else to hate her for.

[Largo62]

So, how old are you, kung fu lola? Your profile says lists your occupation as "shop girl," so I'm guessing at least sixteen (at least that's the age you have to be in the US to get a work permit -- different in Canada?). From the content of your rant I would guess you aren't much beyond sixteen. In any case, if you are living under your stepmother's roof you are subject to her rules.

You certainly have a right to privacy, but if you left your "journals" lying around you were asking for it. If you had them put away and she rooted them out, going through your personal stuff, that would be different. She told you what she thought of the content you left lying around, and told you what she would do with it if you did it again. Seems to me as if you were warned and were just baiting her.

My advice -- grow up or move out.

[kung fu lola]

I understand what you are both saying, and to a certain extent I agree with you. But I also think that people should understand that accidents happen. It was an accident that I left them out. It was late at night, I was tired, and I wandered to bed, thinking that my notebook was in my room (the second time, I was sure I'd left it in my tote bag).

I realize it is stupid to leave personal belongings lying around. But number one: I didn't do it on purpose.
Number two: It was in an extremely low-traffic area, and if she hadn't been up so early doing laundry I would have found it before she did and put it in my room, where I know it belongs.
Number three: I don't see what gives her the right to pass judgement on me and my private thoughts.
The journal was MY PROPERTY. She refused to respect my RIGHT to privacy and my RIGHT to keep my journal. She STOLE it, bottom line.
I don't see why just because I live in her house, that gives her the right to control me 100%.

Maybe you two are control freaks too.

[Bricker]

You don't have a right to privacy, Lola. This is where the confusion lies.

If you're in the U.S., you have a right to demand that the government respect certain aspects of your privacy. But if you're a minor living in an adult's home, you have no right to privacy whatsoever.

Now, of course it would be much better if, notwithstanding the fact that you have no right to demand it, two persons sharing a house could respect each other's privacy. I think the totalitarian "throw it away" approach is very rude, and shows no respect for your ideas and feelings.

But stop framing the issue as one of a violation of a right of yours. It was simply a rude thing for her to do; you have no right to demand politeness from anyone, but it surely would be nice if those in your life were polite anyway.

- Rick

[kung fu lola]

I'm not a minor. And I live in Canada.
I was also raised to believe that children have the right to tehir own space and to privacy, not that they are chattel who belong to their parents.
I find that view despicable.

[The Flying Dutchman]

Uh, as a parent, I have every right and even obligation to to intrude on the privacy of my children.Negative behaviors begin in secret and should be rooted out before it is too late. Of course there are limits such as physical privacy.

[Muffin]

So move out. After all, you are an adult living in the capital of an extremely prosperous nation.

[kung fu lola]

I think Bricker said it all, really. She was rude and disrespectful. I have never treated her in a way that would justify that disrespect.
In fact, I have tried to be extremely respectful of her space. If you were to walk through the house, there is no evidence in it that I exist other than the cookies on the computer and, obviously, my room.
When I eat here (at night, when everyone is sleeping), I make sure never to take the last bit of anything, and I don't eat things that Stepmom might be saving for later, like pizza or cheesecake.
I never use the computer or the TV when she is home, so that they are always available for her, whenever she wants.

You were right, I went off the deep end. It's really about respect. She has shown me none of the respect that I get from the rest of my family.
And I am having a hard time respecting her closed-minded views and judgemental attitude. Maybe I should just try harder.

[astro]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
I'm not a minor. And I live in Canada.
I was also raised to believe that children have the right to tehir own space and to privacy, not that they are chattel who belong to their parents. I find that view despicable.

You're entitled to your opinion but you're not stupid. I assume you are somewhat familar with your step-mother's world view at this point in your life and you carelessly left out private material that you could well imagine your step-mother would view as disturbing and purient. As Bricker correctly pointed out you have no real world "right" to privacy in this scenario, and your right to be pissed off at your step-mother for reacting in a predictable fashion is mitigated by your carelessness. Get over it. You are brooding over something that doesn't exist in a real world context for a minor. If you're over 18 move out for maximal freedom.

Out of curiosity where will you draw the line as an adult for your beloved child if you happen on a journal with love scenes, naked pictures and stories about "cutting", or maybe a story about have to give the best BJ's or score the best drugs. Where do want to be on that slippery slope?

[Juniper200]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
I was also raised to believe that children have the right to tehir own space and to privacy
That's an admirable belief. However, the space in which your privacy is paramount is in your room. You left your things out, and while what your stepmom did was rude, the fault does not lie entirely with you. You were careless, and now you pay the (perhaps unreasonable) concequences that she laid out for you. At least she told you about her journal-tossing policy in advance.

If keeping track of your private and much-loved possessions is a problem, either take your journals online, never remove them from your room or don't keep them. Your thoughts and your possessions are yours to protect.

[kung fu lola]

I don't see a slippery slope, frankly.

And if I happened on a journal of my child's I wouldn't read it.

[Juniper200]

That should read "Fault does not lie entirely with her." Whoops.

BTW, I'm sorry your journal is gone. Be careful next time.

[kung fu lola]

The thing that mystifies me is that I wasn't able to find it in the garbage later. Which makes me think she hid it purposely either to masturbate over the contents, or this wasn't really about protecting her pwecious widdle darwing, it's about trying to control me by taking away something she knows I value.

[Baker]

kung fu lola, with all due respect, if you are an adult why are you complaining? As another poster said, you can move. If, as a healthy adult you can't support yourself on your own, then you will have to resign yourself to living with the rules of the people in whose space you do live. Is there some reason you are stuck where you are?

[kung fu lola]

M-O-N-E-Y.

So I guess if adults sharing a space don't need to respect one another's privacy, I can go around throwing away things of hers that I find offensive, then.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Do you pay rent? If so, then your arguement is totally valid.

However, if you're living there free of charge, I think step-mom is pretty well within her rights to treat you as a child.

Don't leave your stuff out if you don't want her looking at it, particularly not stuff with adult content, which she clearly objects to. E-Z.

[kung fu lola]

Yes, I pay one third of my income in rent every month. I also pay for my own phone line and I barely eat anything there. When I do, I usually replace it within 24 hours or so.

And for the last time It was an accident that my stuff got left out. I didn't do it on purpose.

[PotLuck]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
The thing that mystifies me is that I wasn't able to find it in the garbage later. Which makes me think she hid it purposely either to masturbate over the contents, or this wasn't really about protecting her pwecious widdle darwing, it's about trying to control me by taking away something she knows I value. Maybe it was about following through on the warning/threat/ultimatum she laid out the first time you left your journal out: "If I ever find that trash lying around, I am putting it in the garbage. [Your ten year old brother] doesn't need to be exposed to that crap." Unreasonable? Perhaps, but your step-mother made her position and her future actions crystal clear.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
Yes, I pay one third of my income in rent every month. I also pay for my own phone line and I barely eat anything there. [/B]

Well if you're paying 1/3 of your income in rent, why don't you move out then?

[PotLuck]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
And for the last time It was an accident that my stuff got left out. I didn't do it on purpose. I believe you, but I'm sure your step-mother didn't care why she found your journal containing material inappropriate for a 10YO boy for a second time.

It was an honest mistake on your part, but I'll bet it's a mistake you'll never make again. In future you won't leave out books containing pictures or naked woman and descriptions of self-mutilation, and that was probably your step-mother's intention.

Or maybe she's just a bitch. If that's the case, alice_in_wonderland's advice is dead on.

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by alice_in_wonderland
Well if you're paying 1/3 of your income in rent, why don't you move out then?

Because 1/3 of my income in Ottawa wouldn't even pay for one months' rent in a fleabag hotel.

[kung fu lola]

And Cajo, if she really did follow through on her threat, why wasn't I able to find it in the garbage afterwards? Did it vanish into teh cosmos after being thrown in the bin?

[PotLuck]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
And Cajo, if she really did follow through on her threat, why wasn't I able to find it in the garbage afterwards? Did it vanish into teh cosmos after being thrown in the bin? I don't know what your stepmother did with your journal, kung fu lola. Perhaps she tore it to shreds or burned it and then flushed the remains; I'll bet she was angry enough when she found it. Perhaps she stashed it somewhere and plans to give it back to you when she feels you've learned your lesson and have been adequately punished.

Or perhaps she meant to put your journal in the garbage but left it lying around by accident. Did you ask your little brother if he has it?

[kung fu lola]

Or perhaps she meant to put your journal in the garbage but left it lying around by accident. Did you ask your little brother if he has it?

LOL! :D

[WV_Woman]

I'm having trouble understanding why she's a vandal.

Did she take a crayon and color the naked lady or something?

[kung fu lola]

She destroyed my property by (allegedly) throwing it in the trash.

[AmbushBug]

Could you contrive a situation where you have a friend over (perhaps the friend who was going to burn you those tunes) and sweetly ask your stepmom, in the presence of your friend, where your journal was?

Then, if she cops to the theft/destruction of the journal, you have a witness to attach an affidavit to the police report you'll be signing :)

Well, it'd be fun to think about, anyway...

[Homebrew]

I haven't read the thread, but I noticed the name of a certain poster who had the last reply, so I wanted to say:

AmbushBug! OMFG! I thought I was the only person on the planet who remembered that comic.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
Because 1/3 of my income in Ottawa wouldn't even pay for one months' rent in a fleabag hotel.

Or a room all to yourself in a lovely surbaban bungalow, featuring all the food you can eat, TV and computer access, laundry facilities, and a nosey step-mother who doesn't want her 10 year old looking at porn.

So. Flea-bag motel, or nosey step-mother. You choose, I guess.

[matt_mcl]

I find it somewhat disgusting that if a roommate did this, it would be considered at least, the height of rudeness, and at most a crime. Lola is an adult paying rent to live in a house. Why does this other woman get to act with impunity over her in a grossly unfair fashion, and Lola told to suck it up?

[kung fu lola]

There was no porn, alice. It wasn't anything you wouldn't see hanging in a Renior exhibit. And like I said before, if someone is old enough to understand about privacy, it follows that they know enough not to read another person's journal.
I think my stepmother is grossly negligent in her son's upbringing if it's too much trouble to teach him about privacy and boundaries.
If I had left my notebook unattended for 5 hours in the wee sma's at my mother's house, it would have still been lying on the coffee table, untouched, when I woke up. This is because my mother and my stepfather are moral, principled individuals who aren't compelled to control other people or play Thought Police.

And thank you, matt. You're a doll.

[NightRabbit]

Matt, I think a similar situation with anyone else would be treated the same way. It seems that Lola is paying less than market-value rent to live at home and, in exchange for the discount, the stepmom expects a few behavioral concessions in return. If I had a 10-yr old son, I would have a serious beef with my roommate leaving out "inappropriate" (in my eyes) materials where he might pick it up.

She can't say she wasn't warned. I bet she's a lot more careful with her journals from now on.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by matt_mcl
I find it somewhat disgusting that if a roommate did this, it would be considered at least, the height of rudeness, and at most a crime. Lola is an adult paying rent to live in a house. Why does this other woman get to act with impunity over her in a grossly unfair fashion, and Lola told to suck it up?

Hey - I just suggested that she move out.

I'm sure I do all sorts of things that piss my roommate off, but I don't charge her a helluva lot of rent, so she kinda has to put up with them.

You get what you pay for, I guess.

Besides lola, why don't you live with yer mom and step-dad?

As to the porn, it's certainly not the picture I was refering to when I said porn, but self mutilation stories are a bit over the top for a 10 year old. I can understand why she was pissed that you left it hanging around. As to the privacy thing - he's 10 and can probably be forgiven for snooping. You're an adult - step-mom asked you to keep your book put away. I can see why she would be pissed that you didn't.

[kung fu lola]

I can understand why she'd be concerned, but I will never understand why she thinks she is justified in taking my things and throwing them in the garbage - I know she made the threat, but did she really have to make it in the first place?
The coffee table is right next to my room, it would have taken less energy for her to open my door and place the book on my table, than it did for her to stomp up the stairs, yelling things I could barely hear through my sleepyness, and make a big production of throwing it in the bin.
And the note she left me 6 months ago - who is she to judge what I choose to write in my private space, between two opaque cardboard covers that don't reveal anything unless you actually make a move to open them? The journal I accidentally left out wasn't even the same one from the first time - how did she know the one I forgot about on Thursday wasn't full of entries about fluffy pink bunnies and how much I love Jeebus?

[Primaflora]

If my adult stepdaughter did what you did, we'd be having a serious talk about where you were going to be living from now on. If roommate did it, likewise.

While I would not have destroyed your notebooks, I also would not allow a putative adult to leave materials such as you describe in the general living area where my children could see them. I'd cut you some slack the first time although I would be amazed that anyone would think it was acceptable to 'forget' when kids are in the house. the second time, rest assured all hell would break loose.

matt, if there were no children in the picture, you would have a point but it wasn't the first time lola had done this.

[kung fu lola]

Oh, at least my Dad sort of sided with me though - I overheard him telling her to "Shut up" about it when she went on a tirade about it (it sounded like he was tired of listening to her shrewish harping). And the goodbye he gave her before he left on his business trip that morning was less than affectionate.
Wow - my Dad actually sided against The Harpy - must mark this day on my calendar.

[kung fu lola]

It wasn't the "general living area". It was the basement, which is where I live and where the laundry room is. No one spends time down there but me.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
M-O-N-E-Y.

So I guess if adults sharing a space don't need to respect one another's privacy, I can go around throwing away things of hers that I find offensive, then.

Money? Rooms in Ottawa go for $400-$450 per month, so don't use money as an excuse for not leaving the nest.

As far as adults sharing a space goes, that does not describe your situation. You are an adult in years, but in actuality you are an over-age child who has not left the nest.

When you set off on your own, you will be able to call the shots. Until then, don't whine when previously explained reasonable rules and sanctions are carried out when you break them.

Don't go expecting the rights of a self-supporting, independent adult until you are willing to take on the responsibilities of a self-supporting, independent adult.

[matt_mcl]

Excuse me, this woman STOLE a personal object from another adult woman. If someone stole shit from me, especially something like a journal, sketchbook, or diary, I would have the police on their ass. I don't care if they were letting me stay for free in Fallingwater Mansion and giving me a blowjob every morning, you do not steal and destroy people's shit.

[Muffin]

Did the step-mother seal from another adult, or did she confiscate from her step-child living under her roof?

Seeing as these two people are not able to get along, the solution is for the adult-child to leave the nest. Calling in the police is not a solution, and would only increase the tension between the two.

[matt_mcl]

Did the step-mother seal from another adult, or did she confiscate from her step-child living under her roof?

Both. And the latter doesn't stop the former from being wrong, wrong, wrong.

It's not a matter of not being able to get along. Lola accidentally violated a law of the house to a trivial extent. (She left the journal out, by mistake, in a space that only she usually goes.)

Her stepmother violated the law of the land, or at least of hospitality, on purpose and maliciously. The stepmother owns the problem, not Lola, and Lola should not be forced out of her home in order to avoid being stolen from, especially not a home she pays good money in order to live in.

[Muffin]

It does not matter whether the step-mother was wrong or right. The fact of the matter is that these two have not been able to learn to live under the same roof. Thus it is time for the child to become an adult and find her own way in life.

[Primaflora]

And the respect in which lola holds the adult with whom she is sharing her life is really indicative of a need to find somewhere else to live.

Plus it's nasty to play games with other people's marriages if you're considering yourself an adult roommate.

[Muffin]

Well said.

[doreen]

[quote]Her stepmother violated the law of the land, or at least of hospitality, on purpose and maliciously. The stepmother owns the problem, not Lola, and Lola should not be forced out of her home in order to avoid being stolen from, especially not a home she pays good money in order to live in.[quote]

Who's forcing Lola out of her home, and why is it more her home than her stepmother's? If you had a roommate who destroyed your journal after she asked you not to leave it out where her son could find it,and told you she would destroy it if she found it out again, you might call the police. Good luck in getting them to do anyhting. What would really happen is that you wouldn't be roommates anymore- one of you would leave. After all, why should you pay good money to be treated like that? Lola's got a reason to stay. Apparently, although she contributes money to the budget,she doesn't contribute enough to take that 1/3 of her income (whatever amount that might be) , find a roommate and get her own apartment. That means Dad and stepmom are subsidizing her.(although it doesn't seem that they get along judging by "harpy" and "shrewish") And there is just no way in the world that you can accept a subsidy from your parents and not have them treat you like a child, rather than another adult. It's difficult enough to get them to treat you as an adult when they're not contributing to your living expenses. None of this has anything to do with the stepmother being right - I'm not sure she was. But it's a trade-off Lola's making whether she realized it or not.

[jmpride62]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
Oh, at least my Dad sort of sided with me though - I overheard him telling her to "Shut up" about it when she went on a tirade about it (it sounded like he was tired of listening to her shrewish harping). And the goodbye he gave her before he left on his business trip that morning was less than affectionate.
Wow - my Dad actually sided against The Harpy - must mark this day on my calendar.


Is it just me, or is this soooo not about that journal?

[Cat Whisperer]

lola, this isn't what you want to hear, and you probably won't agree, but you sound like a child in this thread. It is an immature attitude that blames someone else for the problems they cause themselves; "My boss sucks - he fired me cause all I did was come in late every day and not show up sometimes. But I always had good reasons." And anyway, you're probably only a year or two away from the "complete freedom" (yeah, right) of adulthood. Then you can walk away from the evil stepmother and never look back.

[Cat Whisperer]

jmpride, due to simulpost I didn't see your post before - I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

[Wikkit]

Originally posted by jmpride62
Is it just me, or is this soooo not about that journal? Is it just me, or did I say that as the first reply in this thread?

[ratty]

Lola, I'd have to say in all honesty that you should think about moving out if you can't tolerate her behavior. You don't consider anything in your journal to be disturbing or lascivious, but your stepmother obviously does. She apparently wants to make sure her son doesn't get ahold of it, and while a 10-year-old should be expected to respect others' privacy, it still has to be remembered that he is, in fact, a 10-year-old. You can't expect the same level of common decency from a kid that you should be able to from an adult- they just haven't learned it yet. And you really can't argue with your stepmother about how she wants to raise her son- it's none of your busness. You may think she's an insane control freak, and this may well be true, but it's still her kid.

I also agree with matt, though. She really shouldn't have looked through your journal, as it's not her property, and common decency demands that we do not touch other people's property without their permission. If she was that worried, maybe she could have just put it back in your room, or even chastised her son if he attempted to look at it. (Good 'respect other people's stuff' learning oppurtunity for the kid there.) If you're an adult and paying at least some of the rent, she should afford you a greater measure of respect. But maybe this all boils down to not you, but her son and her fears he might be exposed to something she'd not rather not have him exposed to. If she asked you not to leave it out, and you did anyway, even if it was a mistake, you should expect repercussions. You should expect repercussions from a roommate in that situation, although obviously not going so far as to destroy your property.

I'll admit, stepmom sounds like a bitch based on what you've posted, but what can you do? Arguing isn't going to fix things, since you were both in the wrong here. Looks like you'd better start looking for a better job and somebody to split the rent.

On a more personal note, a similar situation in my life led to my second moving-out, albeit on better terms. After my dad died, I moved back home with my mom to be there with her for a few months, get things straightened out, etc. And all our old fights sort of came back- her disapproval, my guilt, her anger, my resentment. I was back in her house, rent-free. I realized I was in her corner now, and I tried my best to behave like a house-guest: no late nights, no loud music, no doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it. But it got tiresome- and she realy didn't know how to relate to me as anything other than her child, or her as my mother. So after one huge blow-up, we had a talk about things, and we decided I should leave- she was okay being alone, and we needed to let go of our child/parent/control realtionship and learn how to have a child/parent/friend relationship. And now we get along better than we ever have, and I actually value and respect her more than my bitter teenage self ever thought possible.

Ugh. How very 'Wonder Years' of me. This is embarassing. My point is, you should talk to her about this in a serious, respectful, and open manner. Try to reach some compromise. If this isn't possible, or neither of you are capable of a serious discussion like this, then you're gonna have to either put up with it or move out. It sucks, but that appears to be the way the world is. Trying to play your father and step-mother off of each other, or complaining behind her back to garner sympathy for your cause is childish and malicious, and it's just going to cause more problems in the near future.

Good luck with this, and I really hope it all works out for the best.

[kung fu lola]

ratty, I think you've shown more sense than alot of people in this thread. I have to admit, in some of my other posts here I've brought up issues that have nothing to do with the incident of the journal, but when I'm not blinded with rage I see those things more clearly.

I know I made a mistake. I just don't understand how having two years of work thrown out (or put where I can't get at it) is a reasonable consequence of that mistake, especially when there was no real harm done to the child involved. I don't think there was even the potential of harm, considering that I left the journal in a place where he doesn't really go and the entire thing went down during a time of night when he is safely tucked in bed, not roaming around the house. Like I said earlier, if she hadn't been up so early doing laundry, she would never have even known it was there.
I really think the whole thing is an excuse to punish me for being different from her and not agreeing with her in everything. My stepmother is a very angry and fearful person. She keeps the people in this house on a short leash. This causes conflicts between us, but I keep trying to please her.
It sounds to me like some of the other people posting in this thread have control and authority issues of their own that are shining through in their responses.

[alice_in_wonderland]

You could try taking responsibility for your actions, ya know lola

You keep saying "I shouldn't have left my journal out, BUT, BUT, BUT"

No buts. You shouldn't have left your journal out.

If my roommate kept goat-porn and she left it lying around the living room, I'd tell her to keep it in her room. If she left it lying around again, I might very well toss it in the bin. I probably wouldn't freak out, but I don't have a 10 year old wandering around either.

Your journal is obviously your step-mom's version of goat-porn. Even if you don't agree with her assessment, you still have to accept it as her opinion.

You keep saying how you were disrespected and your rights were violated. How about how you disrespected your step-mother by leaving the damn thing around in the first place.

You keep saying that you're an adult, but everything you're saying here is painting you as a child.

Either move out, or keep the damn journal locked up in your room.

[dublos]

Sorry folks, while I certainly agree that Lola and her step mother have major issues that are well above and beyond the journal issue, Six months had passed. Two infractions within 6 months really does not seem that bad.

And I am very curious about the fact that Lola could not find the journal in the garbage.

Lola.. How many trash disposal options are there at your home? Did you dig through all of them? Did you ask your step mom what disposal method she used?

-Doug

[kung fu lola]

Oh so you'd look at goat-porn that you knew wasn't yours? Nosy sort, aren't you, alice?

I maintain that I made a mistake; that no one forced anyone to invade my privacy (last time I checked, books don't magically open themselves); and that stealing my journal and hiding it was the wrong thing to do.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
It sounds to me like some of the other people posting in this thread have control and authority issues of their own that are shining through in their responses.

Specifically who, and specifically how? Or is it that you are pissed off at so many people not supporting you, and this is you way of slashing back? Grow up, kid.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Ah - so both the journals were clearly marked:

LOLA'S JOURNAL!!!
MAY CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL!!!
UNSUITABLE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 25!!!
KEEP OUT!!!

?

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by dublos
Sorry folks, while I certainly agree that Lola and her step mother have major issues that are well above and beyond the journal issue, Six months had passed. Two infractions within 6 months really does not seem that bad.

I was waiting for someone to bring that up.

And I am very curious about the fact that Lola could not find the journal in the garbage.

Lola.. How many trash disposal options are there at your home? Did you dig through all of them? Did you ask your step mom what disposal method she used?

Well, after she stomped up the stairs, I thought I heard her forcefully and loudly throw the book into the kitchen garbage bin. There are two big garbage bins in the house, one in the kitchen and one in the laundry room next to my room. There are smaller pails in the computer room on the 2nd floor and in the master bedroom.
As for asking stepmom about it, I know from experience that if I bring it up I will be met by a screechy sermon on my moral bankruptcy. Very unlikely that I will get any useful information out of polite inquiry.
As I said earlier, I don't think this is about protecting bro. I think it's about controlling me (and thereby protecting bro).

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by alice_in_wonderland
Ah - so both the journals were clearly marked:

LOLA'S JOURNAL!!!
MAY CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL!!!
UNSUITABLE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 25!!!
KEEP OUT!!!

?

Sounds reasonable. *shrug*

[alice_in_wonderland]

Ok.

Although I still wonder about this:

Originally posted by kung fu lolaOh, at least my Dad sort of sided with me though - I overheard him telling her to "Shut up" about it when she went on a tirade about it (it sounded like he was tired of listening to her shrewish harping). And the goodbye he gave her before he left on his business trip that morning was less than affectionate.
Wow - my Dad actually sided against The Harpy - must mark this day on my calendar.

Why do you sound so delighted that your dad was forced to take sides at all?

[kung fu lola]

I wouldn't know anything about forcing dad to take sides. I'm not the one who does it.

[dublos]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
As for asking stepmom about it, I know from experience that if I bring it up I will be met by a screechy sermon on my moral bankruptcy. Very unlikely that I will get any useful information out of polite inquiry.
As I said earlier, I don't think this is about protecting bro. I think it's about controlling me (and thereby protecting bro).
Well, now that's a matter of your then playing the game by her rules, is it not? Or do attempts at rational discussions devolve into shouting matches on both sides, so that not only do you not gain any information, but you also get to feel bad about losing your cool to such irrational behavior.

Perhaps she's just waiting for you to bring it up so that she can vent some of her ire and she's got your journal somewhere she feels is safe so she can wave it under your nose?

Did you bring up your inability to find it to your father before he left, and is he more open to rational discussions than your step mother?

And is there a trash receptical outside of the house? Did you look there?

-Doug

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by dublos

Well, now that's a matter of your then playing the game by her rules, is it not? Or do attempts at rational discussions devolve into shouting matches on both sides, so that not only do you not gain any information, but you also get to feel bad about losing your cool to such irrational behavior.

I do everything by her rules (except think). It's my attempt at being a good housemate.

And is there a trash receptical outside of the house? Did you look there?

Yes I did. I dug through leftover pizza, rice, soggy popcorn and old shoes.

[hansel]

Lola, it sucks that you lost your journal, but you made a mistake for which you knew the consequences, and those consequences happened. Your stepmother a bitch for doing that, rather than some more moderate action, but in practical terms, she's well within her rights, and your only recourse is to move out.

Suck it up.

[stc]

Now, let me get this straight. Just because she lives in her father and step-mother's house, lola loses expectations of reasonable privacy even though she is paying rent? I understand that there are minors in the house (a 10 year old), but come on, 2 instances in 6 months does not equal a heavy handed response as to throw away someone's "diary". I am a guy, and as such have never compiled one of these journals, but I aways thought that a diary or journal was supposedly sacred to a girl. (Sorry if this seems overly simplistic or chauvinistic).

I don't know about a lot of you, but saying that she should "move out" or "find a room mate" is not very practical in all situations. Not everyone has high paying jobs, it's not always that easy to find appropiate room mates, or to find a reasonable priced apartment. Not to be a flame or anything (especially since this is my first post :) ), but some of you are sounding like money shouldn't be an object or at least aren't considering a factor such as money. Not everyone can afford to, just up and move, you know. From what she is saying, it seems that by doing such things as staying out of her step-mom's way, not eating her food, not using the computer when her S/M (Step-Mom) is home, not watching the T.V. when her S/M is watching it etc, this doesn't sound like she is aggravating the situation that much, with the exception of this red-hot journal. This seems like she is aware of the bad feelings between her and the S/M, and is not trying to make them worse (name calling here notwithstanding).

Also, on a personal note, I too live in my father's house. He doesn't live there as he lives with his girlfriend, but he does keep a room and comes by the house everyday. My other room mate, who has a 13 year old son who visits every weekend, lives with me also. Occasionally, I leave stuff that I wouldn't necessarily want anyone to see outside of my room. They don't touch, look, open, read or even bother with it and I seriously doubt they would even consider doing that. Why do I live in my father's house? Divorce is expensive as well as child support. Every adult who lives with their parents have their reasons for doing so, and not all of them do so for a free ride.

Man, was that a ramble, but it seems to me that some of you aren't looking past the fact that she is an adult who lives with her parents and not at what the OP was about. That her privacy was invaded and her personal belongings were thrown out, regardless of one warning, six months earlier.

[Caffeine.addict]

Lola

What does your father have to say about this? It is his house also. Try speaking to him.

[kung fu lola]

I really wish I could count on my dad for some support on this. But I know that stepmom uses her anger to control him, and I don't want to put him in a position where she might use her tactics of giving him the silent treatment, slamming doors and muttering comments under her breath to hurt him. He is very sensitive and when she throws a tantrum it's painful to see him pleading with her to come out of their room and talk to him.
I'd rather he either sided with her or stayed out of it, for his own sake.

[kung fu lola]

And hansel, next time you lose a prized posession that you put two years of work into, for no reason other than you made an honest mistake while your judgement was cloudy, I'll the first in line to tell you to suck it up.

[Guinastasia]

I have the feeling there's more to this than we're hearing.

BTW, how many ten year olds would resist the chance to read a journal they know contains adult material, especially if it's been left lying around outside the owner's room?

[kung fu lola]

Guin, I doubt my bro knew the thing had anything adult in it.
The other contents of the journals included: Drew Barrymore's recipe for macaroni and cheese, some notes I took at a conference on preventing breast cancer, quite a few poems I had written (none of them containing naughty words), some collages of pictures of Madonna (fully clothed), some random thoughts ranging from how much Girl, Interrupted annoyed me to how much I missed my best friend since moving away from her, designs for some sock puppets my sweetie and I invented, and some sketches inspired by episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (again, nothing even PG-rated).
If there is more to the story, I don't know what it is.
I don't even know if my brother ever saw what was in the first journal, and I KNOW for a fact that he never got a peep inside the second.

[Liz]

I can't really agree with the overriding opinion on this one. Lola is, by definition, an adult, and should be treated as such.

I think, I used, too many, commas, up there. :wally

Anyway. The journals belonged to Lola. Period. You don't throw other people's property in the trash. Come on. If her step-mother is a fundie Christian, and Lola is a Satanist, does that give Lola the right to trash StepMum's Bible?? Most certainly not.

I mean, Lola pays rent. Therefore she owns half of that dwelling. Be assured, if one of my roomies had ever thrown something away because they didn't like it, there would have been some serious ass whoopin's going on.

There's the issue of the brother finding her nude drawings and such. What ever happened to the mom policing the little bastard? I was taught that you don't fuck with other people's things. I also understand he's 10 and isn't always going to listen to the StepMum, but is that Lola's fault, OR Lola's problem? Not to me, it's not. Little bro should get his hands smacked for going where he doesn't belong. Imagine, a parent taking responsibility for what their children do, instead of blaming someone else. Hard to fathom, I know. :rolleyes:

Eh. My worthless 2 cents.

[Manda JO]

Matt, look atthe senario this way:

Someone runs an add in the local paper that says:

Room and board avalible in comfortable home for a fraction of the going rate. Conditions apply: rentor will have little or no rights, privacy will not be respected, actions will be scrutinized and rentor will have no right to appeal landlord's arbitrary decisions.

Would you answer that ad? Of course not. Nor would I. But some people would: some people would find the trade off of comfortable surroundings and increased disposable income to be worth giving up a bunch of things that are really, really important to me but which aren't important to them. Lola has to decide whether or not she wants to continue living in the situation she is in: maybe it isn't right or fair that that is the best deal her parents are willing to offer her, but the world is what it is, not what it should be. Me and you both know plenty of people with rawer deals than that--kids kicked out on the street with no money and no options and not even the choice to stay home and trade being treated as a child for a cheap, dry place to stay. Lola has the luxury of time, of being able to decide now that she is going to move out in six months and to begin to make concrete steps towards that goal.

Lola, I spent the summer working with a 17 year old girl whose stepfather told her mother "it's me or the kid" and her mother chose her husband: things could be worse. You need to move out. It is possible, though it will mean considerable sacrifices (my husband slept on the floor for years: I brought into the relationship a single matress on the floor that we shared and considered a luxury) . Instead of spending your energy coming up with clever ephitits for your stepmom, you need to channel your rage into coming up with a concrete plan for getting your own place. A good place to start is by studying people your own age who support themselves: they probably live in groups, as this is cheaper. Once you get a solid plan together, make ytour proposal to your father and mother, both. If you have facts and figures, they may even be willing to help you out., as i suspect that nobody is enjoying the situation as it now stands.

[kung fu lola]

You're right, Manda.

I've looked into the living conditions of my co-workers before. They are all either living at home, or renting a place that their parents pay for, for them. Which isn't going to happen in my family; there is no way my dad would agree to give me money for rent when he could save all that dough by having me live in his space.
My last manager was living in a one-bedroom apartment and sharing it with one friend and one stranger. *shudder* How's THAT for loss of privacy? And she was making $2.00 more per hour than I am now, PLUS commission; 4% of the store's earnings per week. Can you believe it? Even a room at the Y costs $450/month here. I thought the Y was supposed to be affordable to poor people.

[Manda JO]

Lola, you could be orphaned tomorrow: if you were ,you'd find some way to survive. What you have here is the incredible luxury of time to save and to plan: you may have to find another job, move to another, cheaper city, or find some other creative solution. You say you can't just "suck up" the loss of your journal: well, the alternitive to "just sucking it up" is moving out: them's the breaks.

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by Manda JO
Lola, you could be orphaned tomorrow: if you were ,you'd find some way to survive.

If I were, I'd have a hell of a life insurance sum to live on (Thank you, Lutheran Life)! And a house, too; well 50% of one anyway, which I would share happily with my (like-minded) biological brother (if he decided to come back from BC).
:p :p :p
Sorry, feeling giddy.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by QueerGeekGirl
I mean, Lola pays rent. Therefore she owns half of that dwelling.
. . .
My worthless 2 cents.

If you wish to move your statement up from worthless, then please provide a cite to prove what you have put forward.


The fact is that Lola has no property rights what so ever. Her paying rent does not make her an owner of the property, and does not even give her any rights as a tenant. Check out s.3(i) of the Tenant Protection Act. (http://192.75.156.68/DBLaws/Statutes/English/97t24_e.htm)

[Guinastasia]

If paying rent makes one an owner of property, my parents would have about five houses.

:rolleyes:

[Liz]

I apologize for my vague and incorrect statement.

If Lola pays rent, she has the same rights and privileges of the other household members. I shouldn't have implied ownership.

[Mr2001]

If lola's stepmom had said "don't leave your jewelry on the kitchen table", and one day she forgot and found that stepmom had pawned it all, would that be excusable? No, and a diary is no different. Stepmom owns the house, not the things lola happens to keep in the house.

[Liz]

Very well said, Mr 2001.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
I've looked into the living conditions of my co-workers before. They are all either living at home, or renting a place that their parents pay for, for them. Which isn't going to happen in my family; there is no way my dad would agree to give me money for rent when he could save all that dough by having me live in his space.
My last manager was living in a one-bedroom apartment and sharing it with one friend and one stranger. *shudder* How's THAT for loss of privacy? And she was making $2.00 more per hour than I am now, PLUS commission; 4% of the store's earnings per week. Can you believe it? Even a room at the Y costs $450/month here. I thought the Y was supposed to be affordable to poor people.

Rooms are available for well less than you assert. The classifieds from the Ottawa Citizen (http://classifieds.canada.com/ottawa/allcategories.aspx) list many rooms for well under $450:


Unfurnished, room in 3 bdrm. apt. $325 incl.

Furnished, cable, prkg, laundry. Female. $340.

Cable, laundry, kitchen privileges. Student. $350.

Furn., in private house, all incl. $350. Sept 1.

Under 30 household w/one room avail., utils. incl., $365+$35 prkg.

Student, nonsmoker, furn., kit/laund., $375. Sep.1.


The same classifieds list full-time retail sales jobs, so there is no reason to not be fully employed.

At a mimimum wage of $6.85/hr on a full time job, you should be grossing $1,200 per month. At that level you will not have to pay tax, and of course as a citizen of Ontario your medical insurance is free. In short, after rent you should have a couple of hundred bucks per week for food, clothes, and bus fare. That is a comfortable amount for a budget.

Do you really want to make life better for your father? Leave the nest so that he can live in peace with his wife. Life is too short for you, your step-mother, and your father to be at odds the way you have described.

[TeaElle]

I've got to agree with Lola (and Matt and others) - stepmom was way out of line.

A personal item, accidentally left in a limited use but technically public space which was not highly used (particularly by a "vulnerable child"), during hours when most household members were asleep (particularly previously mentioned "vulnerable child") and as a consequence, it was taken by someone other than the owner and is presumed to have been destroyed, even though it would have been much easier to simply place said personal item in the owner's private space where it could no longer be construed as a threat to anyone, including that "vulnerable child."

This is not adult behavior, this is emotionally manipulative, punative, selfish and overbearing behavior. This is the kind of act undertaken by someone who is just as Lola described the stepmother - angry, fearful, controlling, miserable.

Interesting that in light of that, so many of you are so quick to accuse Lola of acting childish, using the nature of the living arrangements as some kind of justification for the stepmother's inappropriate and bizarre actions.

Lola, I too would recommend that you try to find some way of finding another place to live, not because you've been out of line, but because you're currently trapped with someone who will likely never treat you with the respect that you do deserve, and who will continue to accelerate and decelerate attacks against you in order to have her own way. That's no way to live -- in the long run, the money that you are currently saving by living there is no bargain when balanced against your peace of mind.

[Diane]

Good God people, the way you are harping on Lola you would have thought she left her dildos and tittie drops laying around the house. You sound like a bunch of yammering hens.

How hard would it have been for the step mother to pick up the journal and toss it in Lola's room? Why shouldn't the 10 year old be expected to know a few rules of privacy? Rules like "You don't read other people's journals".

My daughter who is now 18 years old has always kept a diary and other writings, poems, drawings. . . She has shared some of them with me and no, a lot of them are not suitable for my 11 year old.

Although she is usually pretty good about keeping them in her room, there have been a few times that she was laying on the couch writing or drawing, fallen asleep, and forgot her notebook. My son understands that if he so much as peeks inside the cover and invades her privacy, he would find himself grounded for a week.

It doesn't matter how old, or who is or isn't paying rent, any one of us can leave personal things out in any part of the house and trust that no one will snoop (not sex toys or pornos of course ;)). It's called respect and the stepmother in the OP sounds like she needs to teach her son the meaning of the word.

Lola left her journal out, twice, shame on her, but my God it wouldn't have been an issue in the first place if there was some sort of respect and trust in that family. Again, how hard would it have been to leave the book alone or if it was in the way, toss it in her room.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by QueerGeekGirl
If Lola pays rent, she has the same rights and privileges of the other household members.

Again, you are incorrect, and again you have failed to cite your assertion.

Please go back and read the law which I cited.

Lola has no rights what so ever conferred on her by virtue of paying rent.

I don't think you even need to go down the rent/rights route, for petty theft is petty theft, regardless of whether or not a person is paying rent. Similarly, a mother's responsibility for protecting her young child within her home from materials she deems improper, including ideations of self-mutilation, has nothing to do with rent.

But then the underlying issue is not a journal. What it comes down to is that there is discord in the home, and that Lola and her step-mother are not able to work it out between them. It does not matter who has what rights, or who is right. The simple fact is that unless Lola and her step-mother learn to get along, either Lola or her father's wife will have to leave her father's home. Time for Lola to leave the nest.

[kung fu lola]

Thank you so much, tlw, and Diane. You have both said very succinctly what I have been trying to get across.

Especially this:
[quote]it wouldn't have been an issue in the first place if there was some sort of respect and trust in that family.[quote]

Ten minutes ago, I was loading my darks into the washer when I saw a rectangular-shaped plastic bag on top of the freezer in the laundry room (which is kept locked - why I don't know). Inside was my journal, with a note from my dad that read;
Watch it. I won't do this twice.
Don't worry, Dad. I was using my desk as a vanity (since I don't have one yet, I've been living here for 7 months and they haven't brought any of my furniture up. Until my mom smuggled my futon up while they were at the cottage two weeks ago, I was sleeping on the floor), but I've since put my toiletries into one of the milk crates I was using for my bedside table, and now the desk in my room is a workspace.
So my journal will venture outside no more, unless it is in my totebag.
See? I have taken action to make sure it will never happen again. Isn't that responsible of me?
Plus, I can buy the 'rents a box of Turtles and maybe it will cheer them up. How many points are Turtles in the Weight Watchers plan?

[kung fu lola]

FTR, I meant that the freezer is kept locked for reasons unknown - not the laundry room. Maybe it's where Stepmom hides the bodies. Or where dad keeps his porno stash.

And sorry about my coding. And the typo in the title of this thread. :smack:

[Liz]

Muffin, I don't see where I'm "incorrect; not including the "ownership" blunder I made and have apologized for. If we're roommates, should I come and piss all over your bed because I feel like it? No, I shouldn't. And guess what? I'm not going to cite that either; basic human decency doesn't need a law. I never said Lola had a legal hold on jack shit, I said she had the right to be respected as she is a rent paying member of the household. I believe the dictionary definition of a "right" is "something that is due to a person or governmental body by law, tradition, or nature".

Similarly, a mother's responsibility for protecting her young child within her home from materials she deems improper, including ideations of self-mutilation, has nothing to do with rent.
I don't think you need to go down the mother/sprog route, either. If StepMum is so hellbent on protecting the kid, then teach him to keep his prying eyes/fingers out of things that don't belong to him.

[Mockingbird]

Originally posted by Muffin


Again, you are incorrect, and again you have failed to cite your assertion.

Please go back and read the law which I cited.

Lola has no rights what so ever conferred on her by virtue of paying rent.

I don't think you even need to go down the rent/rights route, for petty theft is petty theft, regardless of whether or not a person is paying rent. Similarly, a mother's responsibility for protecting her young child within her home from materials she deems improper, including ideations of self-mutilation, has nothing to do with rent.

But then the underlying issue is not a journal. What it comes down to is that there is discord in the home, and that Lola and her step-mother are not able to work it out between them. It does not matter who has what rights, or who is right. The simple fact is that unless Lola and her step-mother learn to get along, either Lola or her father's wife will have to leave her father's home. Time for Lola to leave the nest.

Drink the fucking decaf, you pretentious Ann Landers wanna be with an associate's degree in psychology from Barbados.

Take your ideations and jam them up your ass. A story does not an ideation make, just as a sexual deviation is not necessarily a paraphelia.

Lola wasn't asking for advice from my perspective. She was unloading her anger and disgust.

Now I'm unloading mine.

Where's the fuck you smiley when you need it?

[Troy McClure SF]

Wow.

A woman accidentally leaves a journal she puts a lot of time and emotion into out. Her stepmom throws it in the damn garbage, and now Lola's a lazy-ass for not moving out? She has a pretty good gripe, if you ask me; I'm with her and Matt and tlw.

And y'know, it's not always to up and leave your home of years and years and you're feebly making your first steps out into the real world. I'm there now.

As for whoever said that the journal could be the stepmom's version of goat porn, um, isn't there something on the site somwheres about fighting ignorance? If S/M chose to look through the journal, she would have seen that it was an outpouring of emotion that required a lot of time and effort. If she ignores all that and sees only the evil nude body, isn't that a bit ignorant?

[Muffin]

Originally posted by QueerGeekGirl
I never said Lola had a legal hold on jack shit, I said she had the right to be respected as she is a rent paying member of the household.
You stated "If Lola pays rent, she has the same rights and privileges of the other household members."

I believe the dictionary definition of a "right" is "something that is due to a person or governmental body by law, tradition, or nature".

The law that sets out what is due to Lola by virtue of her paying rent is the Tenant Protection Act, and as you can see by reading the cite provided, nothing is due to persons in Lola's situation by that law.

[Troy McClure SF]

Muffin, do you/have you lived with roommates?

If so, did you ever throw their shit away?

If so, did you defend yourself with some Tenant Protection Act bullshit?

If so, what was the result?

Just because the stepmom is legally the boss, doesn't mean she's exempt from people calling her on being a bitch.

[matt_mcl]

Law, OR TRADITION, OR NATURE.

Not everyone is a lawyer and not everything has to do with the law, strange as you might find it, Muffin.

[Muffin]

Trying reading what I wrote jjtm:

Lola has no rights what so ever conferred on her by virtue of paying rent.

I don't think you even need to go down the rent/rights route, for petty theft is petty theft, regardless of whether or not a person is paying rent.

[Muffin]

Well matt, if you want to look at the tradition or nature route, adult children who cannot get along with their parents move out.

[Monty]

The house in question is not being shared by adults. It's being shared by adults and at least one minor. The landlady has already stipulated what she expects to not find in the common areas of the premises and what the consequences are for the stuff if it's found there. It's incumbent upon the person who owns the stuff in question to ensure it's not left around in the common area where the minor(s) who happen(s) to reside on the premises may encounter it.

lola: You're upset about the stepmother carrying out an action well within her rights and which she already explained to you that she'd do and under what circumstances. Perhaps you don't see how your stepmom sees your refusal to ensure the minor in the house doesn't encounter stuff she's forbidden him to see as your interfering with her rights as a parent.

Moving out is mighty fine advice.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by Hastur
Drink the fucking decaf, you pretentious Ann Landers wanna be with an associate's degree in psychology from Barbados.

Good call. Nine generations of my family is from Barbados.

Now go calm down.

[Troy McClure SF]

My mistake, Muffin, I apologize.

But I stand by comment that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you're not a bitch for doing it. ("You" in the abstract.)

[TeaElle]

Muffin, if you want to seriously look at tradition, how about the traditional living arrangement for young, unmarried people - especially young women - up until the 60's, and even beyond? Even well into their twenties, it was at home, with their parents. And they didn't move out on their own - when there were issues about boundaries and respect and the inevitable and necessary changes in the parent-child relationship when the child is actually an adult, they were worked out, for the good of the household and the relationship.

And how about the tradition of attempting to have a positive relationship with the children of your spouse?

Why are you consistently implying that Lola is the only one who is having "trouble getting along?" Why is she the only one who has any responsibility for changing the situation? She has described a family dynamic that is very unpleasant, to say the least - and that's the result of the actions and attitudes of 3 people. It seems to me that 3 people, not just one, have some responsibility to do something to make things right in the household.

And Monty, your "landlady has stipulated" concept might work if Lola lived with strangers with whom her only relationship was financial. She does not. The "landlady" (who is not the sole landowner, nor the sole authority in the household) is Lola's stepmother, and that makes a difference. And stranger or relative, the "consequences" generated were still wholly inappropriate and completely over the top in its lack of necessity.

And why, why, continue to play up the "protect the poor chil'un" angle when the journal was in a place where the child was unlikely to go, left out at a time when the child was asleep in his bed, and was not the child's property thereby leaving him with no legitimate reason to ever touch it, let alone read any supposedly inappropriate content therein? His chances of seeing the journal were miniscule. This is like griping that HBO ought not show "America Undercover" specials or shows with adult content at 10 pm, because some kiddie might turn on the television. All of life doesn't need to revolve around protecting children from things that they probably won't see, and should be taught to avoid anyway.

[Manda JO]

and that's the result of the actions and attitudes of 3 people. It seems to me that 3 people, not just one, have some responsibility to do something to make things right in the household.

Because what should be isn't what is, and no amount of asserting that it sucks is going to change it: Lola can't make the other 2 people in the house do anything at all: she simply can't. Whether they are being reasonable or unreasonable is moot--this isn't a contest about who is "right", it is simply a situation that is obviously unlivable for everyone involved. Lola's pain and resentment fairly leaps off the screen, and I think what we are all trying to do is to encourage her to take positive steps to change her situation, and not simply find comfort in the idea that she is a better person than her stepmom. Rightous indignation is fun, but it is not a solution. Lola needs to do something, and she needs to know that she can do something--there is more than one 18 year old who woke up on their 18th birthday to find there earthly goods on the curb. Lola needs to find out how they manage and emulate it.

[Manda JO]

Muffin, if you want to seriously look at tradition, how about the traditional living arrangement for young, unmarried people - especially young women - up until the 60's, and even beyond? Even well into their twenties, it was at home, with their parents. And they didn't move out on their own - when there were issues about boundaries and respect and the inevitable and necessary changes in the parent-child relationship when the child is actually an adult, they were worked out, for the good of the household and the relationship.


This is not, strickly speaking, true. One thing that is sort of amazing in 19th C. history is just how often older children were boarded out: this was a pretty common solution to kids needing to attend high schools that were greater than walking distance away, or as a solution to home situations that were intolerable: people with extra bedrooms often generated a little cash by leting them out, and young single men and women very often lived out from as young as 14. Furthermore, passing children around for extended stays with relitives was another very common way to deal with personality conflicts within families.

[grendel72]

Lola, you should move out- living in a refrigerator box under a bridge would be preferable to living with such a bitch as your stepmom sounds like.

Muffin, fuck off you judgmental bitch!

That is all.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by tlw
Muffin, if you want to seriously look at tradition, how about the traditional living arrangement for young, unmarried people - especially young women - up until the 60's, and even beyond? Even well into their twenties, it was at home, with their parents. And they didn't move out on their own - when there were issues about boundaries and respect and the inevitable and necessary changes in the parent-child relationship when the child is actually an adult, they were worked out, for the good of the household and the relationship.
That's all well and fine, but it simply is not working in Lola's family.

And how about the tradition of attempting to have a positive relationship with the children of your spouse?
Again, this simply is not happening in Lola's family.

Why are you consistently implying that Lola is the only one who is having "trouble getting along?

Read what I wrote: "What it comes down to is that there is discord in the home, and that Lola and her step-mother are not able to work it out between them. It does not matter who has what rights, or who is right. The simple fact is that unless Lola and her step-mother learn to get along, either Lola or her father's wife will have to leave her father's home. Time for Lola to leave the nest."

Why is she the only one who has any responsibility for changing the situation? She has described a family dynamic that is very unpleasant, to say the least - and that's the result of the actions and attitudes of 3 people. It seems to me that 3 people, not just one, have some responsibility to do something to make things right in the household.

Simple. Pointing fingers at who is not living up to their responsibilities, assigning blame, and determining who is a bitch, is not a solution. Recognizing that the three of them need to work together is obvious, but what is also obvious is that the three of them are not capable of working together. Thus it is time for Lola to move out.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by grendel72
Lola, you should move out . . .

Muffin, fuck off you judgmental bitch!

Oh, the irony.

[Liz]

Muffin, are you telling me you don't have the right to be treated decently as a human being without a fucking law saying so?

So in that thread, I'm going to assume that I can throw away any personal possessions of any houseguest I may ever have.

I mean, they can get the fuck out if they don't like it. :rolleyes:


Nine generations of your family is from Barbados? You don't happen to have a house down there that you'd be willing to share with a poor Doper, do you? ;)

[Manda JO]

So in that thread, I'm going to assume that I can throw away any personal possessions of any houseguest I may ever have.

I mean, they can get the fuck out if they don't like it.

Well, if you warn them in advance "Hey, I'm psycho and I tend to throw things away arbtrarily. But if you can live with that, then you are welcome to stay.

QueerGeekGirl, what are you suggesting Lola should do about her rights being violated? She can't call the cops, becasue no crime has been commited. As far as I can see, either she can a) suck it up and continue to live there or b) begin to make sensible ,concrete steps towards moving out. You seem to be acting like hte central issue here is whether or not stepmom qualifies as a bitch by some sort of objective standard. To that I, and I suspect (the male, btw) Muffin respond, Who the fuck cares? Why, in any way, shape or form, does it matter who is right? Al that matters is htat thesituation is clearly intolerable, and if anything is going to change, that change will have to come from Lola. Is this fair? No. It's just the way it is.

Now then, this whole post is just repeating what Muffin already said. If you still think anyone's main point is that Lola is a bitch, I suggest you go reread his posts carefully.

[BiblioCat]

Originally posted by kung fu lola
... Until my mom smuggled my futon up while they were at the cottage two weeks ago, I was sleeping on the floor), ... I have a question about this comment. What kind of family dynamics are going on here that your mother has to smuggle in a bed for you? She couldn't just bring your bed to you? How did you explain the sudden appearance of your futon? Did your dad and step-mother really expect you to sleep on the floor forever? Or were you playing martyr and sleeping on the floor to spite them?
Where exactly are you living? In the laundry room?


Oh, and I have a large freezer. I keep it locked, too, just out of my own anal-retentivness, so I know it's closed. You have to shut it hard, so the vacuum seal thingy seals.
One time my then-8-year-old daughter got something out of it once and didn't shut it properly and the door came open and everything in it thawed. Not a pretty picture.

[Liz]

Manda-

I completely agree that Lola's best alternative is to move out. That, however, was not the initial debate between Muffin and myself. The initial debate was over Lola having rights and privleges as a rent paying member of the household. Muffin believes Lola has no rights due to Tenant laws. I believe Lola has the right to be treated respectfully in a home she pays to live in.

It was never about anyone being a bitch, even though the StepMoo was. Also, if you look back, if was Muffin who started the debate over rights with me, so perhaps you should re-read the posts one more time.

I realize that Muffin mentioned Lola should move in a post directed to me (and at a later point in time, with another person, drove home that point). I agree. That simply wasn't what Muffin and I were discussing. We were discussing our difference in opinion over rights in the household.

With that said, if you and I gang up on Muffin, I think we can get that Barbados house. :D

[Mockingbird]

Originally posted by Muffin


Oh, the irony.

Oh, the truth.

[Monty]

Originally posted by tlw
And Monty, your "landlady has stipulated" concept might work if Lola lived with strangers with whom her only relationship was financial. She does not. The "landlady" (who is not the sole landowner, nor the sole authority in the household) is Lola's stepmother, and that makes a difference. And stranger or relative, the "consequences" generated were still wholly inappropriate and completely over the top in its lack of necessity.

And why, why, continue to play up the "protect the poor chil'un" angle when the journal was in a place where the child was unlikely to go, left out at a time when the child was asleep in his bed, and was not the child's property thereby leaving him with no legitimate reason to ever touch it, let alone read any supposedly inappropriate content therein?

The journal, no doubt, does not have an alarm clock on it to warn itself to return to a place where the child won't find it. And the den is certainly a place where the child can be expected to venture.

[BlinkingDuck]

I can't believe no-one called the OP on her statement that if her father dies, she gets 50% of the house. Really? Did your dad and step mom specifically tell you that or are you just assuming?

I would be very surprised that you would get any part of the house. Why would the step mom agree to this? She loses her husband, a major source of income and then loses her home? There is no way, IMHO, the wife would agree to this in a will.

I say this because my step son assumed he owned half of my wife's and my house if my wife died. He was extremely shocked and dismayed to find out otherwise. (my wife is not dead but he brought it up in front of her and she corrected him). To this day he thinks this is the height of unfairness. I don't know where people get their ideas sometimes - I never once assumed my parents home was anything but THEIRS.

[Diane]

Is it really so unreasonable to expect the step-mother to teach her TEN YEAR OLD a little bit of respect for other people's privacy?

[Stephi]

Um...excuse me. I live in Ottawa, and I have a two bedroom apartment for $723.00, and a friend of mine rents a three bedroom apartment for $789.00. Split three ways, that would be $263.00 per month. This is in downtown Ottawa, (Sandy Hill, to be exact.) And they're both really nice apartments, parkay floors, new kitchens. We have our own garden plots and our own laundry room on the first floor. They allow pets. I even have a backyard.

Yes, there is a housing crunch in Ottawa, but you can find something decent if you look around, and are willing to do some footwork.

(Or even willing to do some yard work. A friend of mine used to rent a bachelor for $250 per month. The catch - he had to shovel snow in the winter, cut the grass in the summer, and do a little yard work for the little old lady he rented from.)

Even if she's giving us a completely accurate picture of her situation, (which I'm not so sure about), she should definately move out. Trust me, you, and the parental units, will be happier in the end.

[ENugent]

There is no way, IMHO, the wife would agree to this in a will.
A wife does not have to "agree" to her husband's will - she doesn't even have a right to see it unless he shows it to her. (There may be exceptions in individual circumstances if there are prenuptial agreements in place).

lola, are you in school? Are you working full-time or part-time?

On the issue of the bed, did they just not want to take the time to go down and get it, or did you really have to "smuggle" it in? Did they offer you any place other than the floor to sleep?

Finally, congrats on getting back your journal. As your dad said, don't do it again.

[Stephi]

Oh hey, found the renting rates online! Conservation Coop (http://www.conscoop.ottawa.on.ca/vacancies.html)

[BiblioCat]

Originally posted by Diane
Is it really so unreasonable to expect the step-mother to teach her TEN YEAR OLD a little bit of respect for other people's privacy? Not unreasonable in the least...but he's still just a ten-year-old kid. If he saw semi-naked pictures (or any type of picture, really), I say his curiosity is going to get the better of him and he's going to fully open it to see what it is.
Even if it wasn't opened at all (lying on the table), he might just absent-mindedly pick it up and thumb through it, not knowing what it was.

Out of my own curiosity..Lola, how old are you?

[Manda JO]

Queergeekgirl, you say:

Muffin, are you telling me you don't have the right to be treated decently as a human being without a fucking law saying so?


and then you say

I believe Lola has the right to be treated respectfully in a home she pays to live in . . .It was never about anyone being a bitch, even though the StepMoo was.

I read this to mean you are talking about 'social rights" (for lack of a better term), not "legal rights.". Well, near as Ican tell, the only value in determining whether or not someone is violating your "social rights" is so that you can decide whether you have the moral high ground in the situation--all it is good for is deciding whether or not StepMom is a bitch. There is no way to enforce "social rights", so Lola needs to move out. Energy spent ruminating on the unfairness of it all and making itemized lists of unfair actions is simply useless.

[BlinkingDuck]

ENugent, are you saying the wife does not have any say in a marriages joint possessions? The husband may have a will and not show it to his wife but his wife does have claim to joint assets (like the house) which makes the will invalid.

[ultress]

Well I've read every one of these posts. The good and the bad and the ugly. First, I'll ease the pressure by stating that I'm totally a controlling bitch, and you wouldn't want to live with me under any circumstances nor would I invite you to or expect you to.
So evidently the OP has just moved in with her father and stepmother within the last 9 months or so taking in fact that she stated her things weren't all there yet and she had no bed. So where were you living before?
There are always two sides to every story and my oh my this evil stepmother is sure getting dumped on. We won't go into how my son had to live while he was under my roof. I will venture to say that he walked the line and if he didn't like it there was a highway right in front of our house that he could take in either direction. I worked two jobs, supported him and myself and yes, I had every right in the world to search his room at any time that I felt inclined to do so up until the day he moved out. Porn, cigarettes, anything I didn't approve of was thrown out. He started hiding it outside but that's ok, it wasn't in my house.
I was also a stepmother with an 11-year-old step daughter. I told her for one month, while she was out for summer break from school, to clean up her room. I told her that I was going in her room on a given date and I would clean it myself if she did not have it done. Well she evidently didn't believe the snake would bite. I went into the room and I threw everything under the bed, crammed in the closets, and thrown on the floor away. CD player, cds, all kinds of expensive toys and makeup and clothes. Yep, I threw her clothes away. She had five bureaus in that room and half of the drawers had nothing in them. After that day, I told her that I would tell her one time to do something and if she didn't do it, I would, and she wouldn't like the results. I keep my word.
So Lola is an adult. Big difference? Not at all. She is paying SOME rent, I can believe that it's not enough to cover food, water, electricity, etc. for her. Life is expensive. I wonder if she's unable to support herself now, when will that happen? Maybe the good fairy will come down and grant her three wishes and one of those would be for a better paying job, or a new house, or tons of free money. We'll have to wait on that one. In the meantime I still think there's something missing in this story that isn't being told.
So yea, I'd say suck it up, learn to live with it, it beats living in a cardboard box doesn't it? And stop causing problems for your dad and stepmom. You were told what would happen if the journal was left out again, she didn't throw it away the first time. I sure hope that this is the biggest problem you face in life.
It's always easy when you aren't the parent to tell others what they should and shouldn't do and how to do it. But it don't work that way. Every person on the face of the earth has a different personality and kids can't be taught the same way, each has to be dealt with on their level. I respect the other posters here that have kids and know the tale, but until you have walked that walk be careful on your thinking cause one day you are gonna be dealing with the same thing and I have all ideas that you will change your point of view.
We presently have in our lovely state, not far from where I live, a military guy that is in the US Air Force charged with 97 counts of statutory rape. Seems that the mother of two daughters, one 12 and one 14, decided to read the diary of her 14 year-old daughter and discovered that both her children were having sex with this man twice a month since 2001. I'm sure she was a terrible bitch to live with and heaven help us that she should do such an evil act as to read her child's diary. Wonder which will scar the child most, the sex or the betrayal of the diary reading.

[amarinth]

Originally posted by BlinkingDuck
ENugent, are you saying the wife does not have any say in a marriages joint possessions? The husband may have a will and not show it to his wife but his wife does have claim to joint assets (like the house) which makes the will invalid. Is that really true in Canada?

[Bricker]

There is clearly value in Muffin's points as regards tenant law. The law provides a remedy to those persons whose rights are violated.

If you want to talk about basic moral rights to be treated with dignity... well, I agree that exists, but what remedy is there when this right is violated - other than, as Manda JO cogently points out, the ability to claim the moral high ground?

Even if we all agree that stepmom is being a bitch, lola cannot enforce her rights to basic human dignity in any effective way. This is why, back on page 1, I suggested that it wasn't useful to frame the issue as one of violated rights.

Stepmom's actions were rude. Ideally, people would not be rude to one another. Sometimes they are. What's to be done about the rudeness in this case?

I'm a little surprised that there hasn't been a more in-depth mention of the disparity in housing prices between what lola believes and what others have posted. If other posts are to be believed, lola may have an excellent chance of living on her own, on her current salary.

- Rick

[ENugent]

Originally posted by BlinkingDuck
ENugent, are you saying the wife does not have any say in a marriages joint possessions? The husband may have a will and not show it to his wife but his wife does have claim to joint assets (like the house) which makes the will invalid.
But why do you assume the house a joint asset? If the husband had it before marriage, it probably stays in his own name and his wife has no claim on it (except insofar as she may be able to have his will partially set aside under relevant "forced share" statutes - but these apply when the total amount left to her is inadequate, not when she doesn't like which assets she gets left).

lola's post sounded to me like she expected to receive 50% of the house, with her biological brother receiving the other 50%. That expectation would be reasonable (although not necessarily correct) if the house is in her father's name alone. He may have placed it in both his and his wife's names, but I doubt that he's required to.

I'm not familiar with Canadian laws of succession - I probably only know enough to be dangerous even in my own jurisdiction. But lola's assertion didn't sound unreasonable to me, and unless there's something really unusual about the governing law, a wife has no right to see her husband's will or to "agree" to anything - she just may possibly be able to have it partially or totally set aside after his death if it would disinherit her.

[BlinkingDuck]

I missed the Canada part and I know diddy-nothing about division of property in divorce/death in Canada.

However, from what I do know, if marriage assets are joint then one partner cannot just arbitrarily give part of the marriage assets to someone else without the other partners consent. Even with a prenup involved, they tend to lose power after time and the OP father/stepmother have a ten year old together (maybe not but that is what I tend to think) meaning they've probably been together 10+ years. Also, if the stepmom has been contributing to the house financially in any way she has claim on the house as a marriage asset even if it was her husband's before the marriage.

I was just challenging/questioning the OP assertion that the OP received half the house when the father dies. Is this for sure or does the OP just assume this to be true? And even if it were true, why 50%? Does not the 10 year old get a share?

Methinks the OP is making an incorrect assumption, though I could be wrong. I think the OP is thinking he/she gets to inherit the fathers half the marital assets when the father dies and her stepmom/son gets to keep 'their' half. This is a common but misguided idea I've seen in many children. What about the 10-year old's 'half'? Also, will the step mom not fight this?

Something is not right here because we don't know the full situation but I would hazard a GUESS that the OP is misguided in her assumptions. I could be wrong.

[stc]

You are right ultress, I don't think i would ever want to come anywhere near your house. All your totalitarian approach will accomplish is driving your kids away from you. My mom was the same way as you wrote, and I rarely talk to her. I think she saw her grandkids twice last year. I worked with troubled teens for 9 years, and the term that we used to describe our approach with them was "firm but fair. Your approach just instills resentment.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by ENugent

But why do you assume the house a joint asset? If the husband had it before marriage, it probably stays in his own name and his wife has no claim on it (except insofar as she may be able to have his will partially set aside under relevant "forced share" statutes - but these apply when the total amount left to her is inadequate, not when she doesn't like which assets she gets left).

lola's post sounded to me like she expected to receive 50% of the house, with her biological brother receiving the other 50%. That expectation would be reasonable (although not necessarily correct) if the house is in her father's name alone. He may have placed it in both his and his wife's names, but I doubt that he's required to.

I'm not familiar with Canadian laws of succession - I probably only know enough to be dangerous even in my own jurisdiction. But lola's assertion didn't sound unreasonable to me, and unless there's something really unusual about the governing law, a wife has no right to see her husband's will or to "agree" to anything - she just may possibly be able to have it partially or totally set aside after his death if it would disinherit her.

Actually, in Canada, the surviving spouse automatically gets all of the marital assets, house included, assuming she was living in it, as the deceased's wife, at the time of his death. Dito for life insurance policies. This applies even if they're common law. (In Canada, this means they've been living together for 1 year as a couple.)

I know this, because I don't have a spouse <SOB> and when I bought my house, I was asked. Due to the lack of spouse, I had to name a beneficiary. Ditto for my life insurance policies. So I suppose if my niece wanted to get rich quick, she could off me. Of course, she's only 3 so I'm not too worried yet. :D

[ENugent]

Actually, in Canada, the surviving spouse automatically gets all of the marital assets, house included, assuming she was living in it, as the deceased's wife, at the time of his death.
Thanks for the info - that's interesting. Is the house a "marital asset" if you already have it when you get married? Here in Massachusetts, you keep your separate property and can leave it to anyone when you die (subject to forced-share statutes, prenups, etc.). If a house was jointly purchased by a couple, it would usually go to the surviving spouse at death (but it depends on how it is titled).

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by ENugent

Thanks for the info - that's interesting. Is the house a "marital asset" if you already have it when you get married? Here in Massachusetts, you keep your separate property and can leave it to anyone when you die (subject to forced-share statutes, prenups, etc.). If a house was jointly purchased by a couple, it would usually go to the surviving spouse at death (but it depends on how it is titled).

If she's in it, it's hers.

Things change in the case of divorce, which is somewhat dependant on province, but in the case of death, all assets of one spouse transfer to the other. In some cases, the deceased may have set aside particular items for their children in the form of $$ or other assets, however, if the spouse is living in the house, it's theirs.

This is part of the reason that my grandfather sold his house when he remarried after my grandmother died - in the event of his death, he wanted his assets to go to his children/grandchildren, and not his 2nd wife. (She had plenty of her own assets). It wound up being a moot point, because they divorced, in which case all bets are off.

[Frank]

Lola , your stepmother locking the journal in a freezer where you couldn't get it, and wrapping it in a bag to protect it, makes it sound to me as if she was expecting you to talk about it. Maybe for you to apologize, maybe to give her an opportunity to scold. She didn't throw it away, or destroy it. Maybe you should talk to her about it now?

That said, I fifteenth the motion that you should move out. Some Ottowans (is that right?) have given some good examples and even a link. All the blame-laying and finger-pointing in the world is not going to improve this situation. Would your dad be willing to help subsidize your start in the outside world? Pay your deposit on an apartment; buy you a TV or toaster oven; or anything? Ask, and start planning for it. FWIW.

[wring]

pssst - it was the dad who wrapped it in the freezer.

[Guinastasia]

ultress, you've got to be shitting me.

I for one, think step-mom WAS a bitch in this case. HOWEVER...I still don't think we're getting the full story.

[papergirl]

My kids aren't quite as old as Lola, but I'd have to say I'm in the nosy mom camp, with some reservations. In my home, the basic layout is this:
I'm a full-fledged, card-carrying, certified, Nosy Mom. I will read ANYthing I get my hands on, whether it is left out, hidden beneath a mattress, folded up in a pocket, whatever. I do this not so much out of a sense of entitlement as out of genuine curiosity and, well, nosiness. My kids have known this from the get-go, and this is the Way It Is.
HOWEVER. I will NOT: Throw written stuff away, hide it, steal it, or bitch about it. I won't plaster it on the fridge to embarrass them, I won't read it to their father or grandmother, I won't blindside them with it when I'm angry about something else. In fact, they probably will never know I read it in the first place, unless the EXCEPTION applies.
EXCEPTION: If I find anything that concerns me--admissions regarding drugs, sex, abuse, etc--we will have a Talk. I won't throw them out or ground them or anything, but neither will I pretend a problem doesn't exist simply because I invaded their privacy finding out about it.
Stepmom could just as easily have tossed the journal in your bedroom and let it go, but I suspect that's not her method of dealing with things. You could have smacked yourself in the forehead for leaving something valuable out where it was in danger of being stolen and left it at that, but you're not quite there yet either.
Time to get out of there. Things are not going to get any better. Regardless of whatever else is going on, everyone sounds miserable--hell, you can sleep on a futon ANYwhere, without dealing with unhappy family members too.
Best,
karol

[The Flying Dutchman]

ultress, you're so right.
Glad to hear from someone who puts the welfare of thier children and their family ahead of some whimsical notion of children's privacy rights within the home. You're approach giving them an option to avoid search by them cleaning and maintaining their rooms is excellent. if they really valued their privacy, their room would be spotless wouldn't it ? But alas it seems that my wife and I have to keep on it week after week.

[reprise]

ee cummings must be ecstatic to have so many of our newly joined posters channelling him ATM.

[reprise]

ee cummings must be ecstatic to have so many of our newly joined posters channelling him ATM.

[RickJay]

Originally posted by matt_mcl
Excuse me, this woman STOLE a personal object from another adult woman. If someone stole shit from me, especially something like a journal, sketchbook, or diary, I would have the police on their ass.
Well, Matt, you might TRY. But no police officer is going to bother responding to such a petty complaint. How many police dispatchers are going to send a cruiser around to a complaint of "My stepmom threw out my journal?"

I think Lola's stepmom's actions were certainly rude, but criminal? Geez, we could lock up every parent in Canada.

[Hamadryad]

"I can believe that it's not enough to cover food, water, electricity, etc. for her. Life is expensive. I wonder if she's unable to support herself now, when will that happen? Maybe the good fairy will come down and grant her three wishes and one of those would be for a better paying job, or a new house, or tons of free money. We'll have to wait on that one."

We had to kick my stepson out of the house in January. He was 20. He had graduated from high school, started at - and failed - a technical school, and proceeded to flit aimlessly from job to job. He paid us rent. He also bought himself video games, went to the movies, etc. quite frequently. We were not getting along AT ALL...he thought I was controlling, and I thought he was being a piece of shit. (What can I say...I can't be objective :P) I thought and thought and thought, and turned it over in my head, because I wanted to make sure I was not going to discuss kicking him out with mercenary intent. I finally determined that it wasn't mercenary...he was never going to fucking move out unless we took away the option. So I talked it over with his dad, and we talked it over with him, and we gave him a month.
Now he's living with his grandmother...and they're both fine with it, and that's dandy. He's had the same job since 2 weeks after we kicked him out, and is enjoying it. He comes over here and we hang out and get along fine. He also has a far greater understanding of how the real world works, and why we had some of the rules we did.

bodypoet: Your policy on nosiness is dead spot-on with mine. I have already been through three teenage stepkids...I'm not going to find anything that's going to make me have to bleach my eyeballs, and I'm not going to narc on you. But it's going to get read.

A note - none of this particularly applies to my biological kids, as the eldest is 7 1/2. But I know it's not going to be long.

As for the OP...you lose the right to whine when you live with the 'rents. That's just the way it is. It sucks and it's bullshit and it's fucking unfair; it's also a rock solid concrete fact. I am in the rather unique position of having been a stepkid and kicked out of my house, and in only 11 years being the stepparent who got the kid kicked out of the house. My stepmother did a very poor job of kicking me out, telling my father that she didn't "want to live with someone <she> doesn't know." Your stepmother is doing a poor job of it as well...but it boils down to the same thing.

You acquire the right to bitch about your living conditions when you move out of your parents' house. Move out and have your actual really own place - or with actual really intended to be your roommates and not your family - and you have the right to whine about everything right down to the way they BREATHE.

Obviously I'm not talking about extreme cases; abused kids, kids whose parents control their very MOVEMENT, etc.

Long-winded, eh. Sorry about that.

[reprise]

Has anyone but me considered the possibility that Lola's family might resent her continued dependence on them and her inability or refusal to create an adult life for herself outside of their home?

Whenever I hear an adult complaining about how unfairly they are treated in their parents' home - and especially when they use lack of money as a justification for not living independently - I wonder how the parents involved feel about their adult child continuing to freeload (and especially when the parents might have been anticipating time and space to themselves once their child reached adulthood).

[Muffin]

Sorry, but it's no go for the house ("Lazy House") in Barbados. My grandfather was the last to live there.

As far as property, succession and family laws in Ontario go, it can get a bit messy, but here's a ten cent tour (and remember, this is for Ontario, not elsewhere).

If a person holds a house as a joint tenant, the house goes to the other joint tenant without passing through the estate. If a person holds a house as a tenant in common, then the share in the house passes into the estate for distribution according to the will. It is entirely a matter of choice as to whether one purchases a house as a joint tenant or as a tenant in common, although most people in Ontario chose to purchase as joint tenants (by not passing into the estate, probate fees are saved).

If there is no will, then the estate goes to the husband/wife and children (obviously only after all debts are paid). If there are no children, the husband/wife gets it all. If there is one child, then the husband/wife gets half and the child gets half. If there is more than one child, then the husband/wife gets a third, and the remainder is split equally between the children.

If there is a will, the testator can do whatever her or she likes, but has to watch out for being grossly unfair, for that can lead to the will being contested. Property which falls into the estate is distributed according to the will (remember that the house will not fall into the estate if it was owned jointly).

Now comes the messy stuff. The surviving husband/wife can elect to take as if the deceased were alive and they separated, rather than take as set out above under the intestacy laws or under the will. In Ontario, when married people separate, they split the assets and debts that they came into while they were married (there are lots of exceptions that are not split, though, such as gifts or inheritances), and they split the matrimonial home regardless of who bought it or when it was bought (remember, this is the law for Ontario, so don't assume that it is the same elsewhere – it is not). The long and the short of it is that by making such an election, the surviving husband/wife can always get half the house and half of everything else, leaving the children to divide the rest according to the will or the intestacy regime.

Child and spousal support claims can also be made against the estate whether or not an election was made. If an election was made, the funds for support would be taken from the estate remaining after the surviving husband/wife had taken his/her share.

Now comes the really messy stuff. All bets are off when a surviving common law spouse is not happy with how an estate is distributed. In Ontario, common law spouses have no rights concerning family property, and no rights concerning succession law beyond a right to support where needed. On the books, they are SOL, but in reality, they often can make claims in equity, where they ask the court to make a fair decision regardless of the statute laws.

Finally, the surviving husband/wife is not dinged with capital gains, but children who take are, so wills and tax planning go hand in hand. That, however, is for another day.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program.

[matt_mcl]

My stepmom threw out my journal?

How about, "One of my housemates stole some of my personal effects and threw them out?" They might not be over here with sirens blaring, but I might get to fill out a report. (It certainly worked on the Ex-Roommate Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken.)

[Guinastasia]

Um, excuse me, but everyone who lives at home still is a freeloader?

Fuck that shit. I still live at home, I have a job, I help around the house and I'm pretty much an independent person. I could move out, MAYBE, but right now, I'd prefer to put my money on other things, such as student loans, schooling, etc.

Both of my parents lived at home until they got married, and lead completely independent lives.

Living at home doesn't make one a baby or a fucking mooch, and anyone who thinks otherwise can bite me twice.

[ultress]

Well stc hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but my son loves me to death, he adores me and has a deep abiding respect for me. I keep my grandchild at least one day every weekend, and sometimes two or three times during the week. Sure he hated my guts when it was all going on, but he also didn't lack for anything he needed, and most of what he wanted. Fast forward out of the teen years, he's now 22 with a one-year-old son himself. Sometimes you have to look past the emotions to the end result. Sorry you couldn't work things out with your mom, but it takes two, sometimes it takes more on one part than on the other. When you raise a child on your own you have to be tough. Yea I made some mistakes, but I didn't have any instructional guides so I had to make the best choices at the time. If I did not love my child, I wouldn't have givem a shit what he did, when he did it or who he did it with. I daresay his son will be raised much the same way.

[Muffin]

Hmmm. . . let's think about this for a moment.

Person A is living in a house entirely at the pleasure of Person B, and can be tossed out on the street at the whim of Person B.

Person A then sicks the cops on Person B.

What can Person A expect Person B to do?

A. Move out herself.
B. Toss Person A onto the street.
C. Reconcile with Person A.

Gee, I don't know, but I'd guess B. Actually, I always guess B, but know what? It works.

[reprise]

Anyone else find it interesting that Mum's response to finding out the OP was sleeping on the floor wasn't to offer the OP accommodation in Mum's house but to sneak a futon into Dad's?

There are plenty of families out there who are comfortable enough financially to continue supporting their children wholly or substantially until such time as their children reach retirement age if necessary. Equally, there are plenty of families out there who cannot continue to support their children in adulthood or whose continuing to support an adult child whose chooses to remain at home will impact on their ability to offer younger children in the family equivalent opportunities.

Yes, plenty of our parents stayed at home until marriage in times past. Equally, plenty of our grandparents were forced to leave school in their early to mid teams in order to earn income to assist the family in surviving financially.

What I challenge is the notion that adult children have some inherent "right" to live at home for as long as they wish and have their parents subsidise them financially - many parents may choose to do this in order to help their children establish an educational or financial foundation for adult life, but parents should also be able to "unchoose" this option if it isn't working out.

Living at home in adulthood is a "bonus", rather than an extension of the parental obligation to provide for their offspring up until the age of adulthood. It's very easy (on both sides) to not think about what either side wants or expects from the arrangement until a conflict arises - and when that conflict does arise it tends to be about either the young adult resenting being treated like a child, or the parents resenting the young adult continuing to behave like a child.

You're saying that you have options Guin which you choose not to exercise for various reasons. The OP would have us believe that she has no such options.

[Rilchiam]

ultress: You threw out stuff that you paid for? Okay, first of all, you said you'd clean her room if she didn't, not that she'd lose all her stuff. But did you actually throw into the garbage stuff that either you or your husband paid for, or did you give it to the Goodwill, so someone else could get use out of it?

bodypoet: You look under the mattress? What do you suspect your kids of doing, anyway? By your standards, lola's scarlet journal wouldn't be safe even if she did keep it in her room or her bag. Kids shouldn't be cornered and frustrated to that extent.

Hamadryad: Now, what you did sounds justified. But not all kid/parent or stepkid/stepparent situations should be resolved that way.

[ultress]

Oopps, sorry about that Rilchiam I wasn't as clear on that point as I should have been. When I married the stepchild's father, they moved into my house. They both lived like pigs, refused to pick up anything they dropped on the floor, it would lay there for weeks until I'd finally just get frustrated and pick it up myself. The child had a nice room, the fairy tale bedroom set for a girl, poster bed, matching dressers and wardrobes, etc. It wasn't that she didn't have anywhere to put her things, she was just too lazy to do it, she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. When I did the laundry I would fold her clothes and put them on her bed to be put away. She'd throw them on the floor instead. I have no idea where the stuff came from, I'm sure I probably did buy some of it for her, but the things that were thrown away were not replaced. I'm sure that over time they will be with birthdays and Christmas and such. No, I didn't give the things to Goodwill or such, most of the stuff she had ruined with markers or makeup spilled on it or such.

[Rilchiam]

I see. Well, that sounds justifiable. But it's still not comparable to lola's situation!

[Hamadryad]

"bodypoet: You look under the mattress? What do you suspect your kids of doing, anyway? By your standards, lola's scarlet journal wouldn't be safe even if she did keep it in her room or her bag. Kids shouldn't be cornered and frustrated to that extent."

I looked under my stepkids' mattresses too. You don't want to know what I found out from some of the shit that was there. You really don't. And if any of my other kids pulls any of that shit you had best believe they will get a very, very rude awakening as well.

Because of some of the shit that has gone down in this household, I no longer buy into "BELIEVE THE CHILDREN" or "teenagers have an absolute right to privacy." What I believe in is "My house, my rules; there's the door if you don't like it," and one of my rules is everything gets read. You don't like it? *shrug* Kids shouldn't be cornered and frustrated to that extent? Parents shouldn't have to put a baby monitor in the kids' rooms to make sure they get home from sneaking out and tripping and stealing with their friends in time to go to school, thanks.

"Hamadryad: Now, what you did sounds justified. But not all kid/parent or stepkid/stepparent situations should be resolved that way."

Your posts seem relatively well-thought-out, which is the only reason I'm not answering this in a screamingly sarcastic way. I mean, Rilchiam? This one is a gigantic DUH, like saying "All international disputes should not be solved with nukes."

I understand that a lot of people are coming from households wherein the worst thing a kid ever did was smoke a joint with friends or go to a party in an abandoned house. Some of us have not been so fortunate.

And throw me in with Reprise...once a kid gets to a certain age, most parents expect to get their lives back. If the kid keeps hanging on, their mere presence in the house keeps the parents from having their own lives. At least, this happens in 9/10 of the households I've seen where the kid is unable to cut the cord, Guinastasia's Utopian homelife nonwithstanding.

I can still remember very clearly what it felt like to be a stepkid. I still intensely dislike my stepmother for the very, VERY poor ways in which she chose to deal with me. Even with that said, Lola doesn't get sympathy from me on this one. Especially since she got the damned thing back. And the people who say "But her dad gave it back!" Uh...her stpmother threw it out at 6:45 in the morning when (as Lola says) no one else was even up, right? Then I think the stepmother ALSO had a hand in letting Lola's father give it back. Another duh.

[Rilchiam]

Parents shouldn't have to put a baby monitor in the kids' rooms to make sure they get home from sneaking out and tripping and stealing with their friends in time to go to school, thanks.

I'm assuming those kids had already established a pattern of such behavior. Certainly, if they're already like that, take whatever steps you have to to curb them. But is it reasonable to look under a kid's mattress even if they've never proven themselves to be untrustworthy? I think not. I think taking it for granted that your kids are up to something, and treating them accordingly, and taking the attitude that, "You're going to fuck up eventually and I'm going to catch you at it," is going to cause problems, not prevent them. They are going to resent that, and eventually conclude that they have nothing to lose.

I understand that a lot of people are coming from households wherein the worst thing a kid ever did was smoke a joint with friends or go to a party in an abandoned house. Some of us have not been so fortunate.

Some people have. I'm assuming, based on that admission, that you are not urging every parent of a teenager to put a baby monitor in their kid's room, on the off chance that they might catch some aberrant behavior?

I don't like the mindset that says, "You have to be on your kid's case 24/7 whether they've done anything or not, because the minute you take your eyes off them, they will." I'm not advocating complete trust and blind faith, either. But you can't expect a teenager to mature if they're never given the chance to use their own judgement.

Your posts seem relatively well-thought-out, which is the only reason I'm not answering this in a screamingly sarcastic way. I mean, Rilchiam? This one is a gigantic DUH, like saying "All international disputes should not be solved with nukes."

It's not a 'duh'; it's stating that I don't think lola's situation is analagous to yours. She's employed, she keeps to herself, and she makes every effort to abide by S/M's rules. She stumbled once. All right, twice if you count the first incident. Still doesn't make her a lost cause.

[matt_mcl]

Let me put it this way. I was always a clean-n'-sober homebody when I was a kid - if my parents had searched my room, there wouldn't have been much for them to find.

Now they (well, my dad, really) were unreasonable enough. And they often expressed a desire (in my dad's case, expressed it by yelling or pushing me around) to go through my stuff. But if they actually had searched my room, read my papers, read my sent box or the browser history, gone through my stuff - I would have moved out a hell of a lot sooner than I did.

And I moved out at 18.

So you should kind of be careful what you're going for in terms of your own kids, I think. Is that really what you want?

[alice_in_wonderland]

I lived at home with my mom and dad while I was saving up a downpayment for my home. I moved out when I was 25. (Previous to this I had lived with a BF, but that's a whole other story).

I paid rent - $800/month. I didn't eat there. I kept my stuff in my room. Pretty much every day my mom was in my room going through my stuff, using my makeup, borowing my clothes, harrasing me about anything that struck her fancy, reading my daytimer, snooping in my computer, etc, etc. etc.

It drove me up the wall, but it was her house. As soon as I moved into my place, guess what - it stoped. Like I said before - EZ.

Al.

[kellibelli]

This is a sad thread, people debating semantics of laws and inheritance and personal rights - sheesh - go start a great debate!

This girl is GIDDY with the idea of being orphaned and getting her fathers house!

She seems to be blatantly thumbing her nose at her stepmother by leaving offensive material about. (offensive in the eye of the boss is OFFENSIVE, period- her house, her rules).
Lola *says* it was an accident, there *are* no accidents. She obviously was itching for conflict, and then her poor father had to be dragged in.

I can picture the father, happy in his house, with a wife and a little boy, and BANGO adult daughter moves in and starts fighting with his wife. Must be fun for him. I bet he has started working late more, avoiding the house.

From the charming terms you use to refer to your stepmother, harpy etc, it would appear you have a real problem with her. But you wont sit and try to talk with her......

You will 'note on your calander' that your father took your side - is this what you have been after all along? Validation that you are the most important?

If you wont move out, dont blame it on "M-O-N-E-Y". Thats not your motivation here, that much is clear.

Someday you will understand that the position you are putting your father in is really really cruel, and I hope he doesnt end up the one hurt before you are through.

Ask your step mother for some financial help if you move out, if I was her, I would take a second job to get you out of my house.

[Rilchiam]

Do any of you control freaks lurk outside your (step)sons' doors, or outside the bathroom if he's been in there for more than three minutes? I mean, you've got to know everything, right?

[astro]

Originally posted by kung fu lola


If I were, I'd have a hell of a life insurance sum to live on (Thank you, Lutheran Life)! And a house, too; well 50% of one anyway, which I would share happily with my (like-minded) biological brother (if he decided to come back from BC).
:p :p :p
Sorry, feeling giddy.

Per Blinking Duck your assumption that you are going to get 1/2 the house if he passes is likely to be incorrect unless your father has made concrete provisions for this. Normally the surviving partner (your step-mother) gets the remainder fo the estate and I think US and Canadian laws are similar is this respect.

With respect to life insurance you had best not count your chickens here either, as your step-mother may be the sole beneficiary or she may control the funds in some fashion post death. Based on your posts in this thread to date I kind of doubt that your father has arranged for you to get the funds directly without some administrator in control of dispensing funds (possibly your step-mother).

[The Wrong Girl]

Well, I'm not sure how much good it's going to do here, but I'd like to speak on behalf of children who had parents rummage through their stuff, and have had a good result come about. This isn't true in all cases, but sometimes, it can be a good thing to have parents get a little nosy, even though I sure didn't think so at the time.

During my first semester of college, I was living at home, and my parents suspected I was doing drugs. I was. A lot of drugs, having been introduced to them by my scumbag then-boyfriend. They read my email (which goes WAY beyond what many parents have said they've done in this thread), and found out that I was. A huge fight followed--they told me that if I didn't break up with him, they'd take away my college money, and I cried and screamed and thought they were unfair and the worst parents ever. After a while, it just became too hard to maintain the relationship with the boyfriend and my parents (especially since I was trying to stop doing drugs, and he kept doing them around me.) Eventually, we broke up, and my relationship with my parents is stronger than ever.

I was never a bad kid growing up (quite the opposite, I never did anything "bad" until I went to college), and my parents were justifiably concerned. Looking back on it, I'm happy they went through my email and gave me an ultimatum, because it helped me realize that I was doing something wrong.

All right, could I sound any more goody-goody? My point is that even though my situation is quite different from lola's, there are some kids there who do actually benefit from their parents snooping, contrary to what some posters in this thread may believe.

[Hamadryad]

Originally posted by Rilchiam
Do any of you control freaks lurk outside your (step)sons' doors, or outside the bathroom if he's been in there for more than three minutes? I mean, you've got to know everything, right?
Oh, stuff it. Now you're not engaging in a discussion; you're just being shitty.

[tiny ham]

I'd like to second kellbelli's thoughts.


I'm a little offput at the joy lola expects when one day she is orphaned. It makes her "giddy", and that includes not only a giddiness at the thought of her step mother being dead, but what I understand to be her birth father, whom she longs to have on her side.

leaves me a little oogy.

My mother went through ALL of my shit growing up. She read my diary because she suspected my boyfriend was abusing me.

Guess what! HE WAS! My diary confirmed it.

Of course I didn't break up with him for three more years, but at least my mom knew what was going on.

I'm very very close with my parents, still to this day.

J

[ultress]

Originally posted by Rilchiam
Do any of you control freaks lurk outside your (step)sons' doors, or outside the bathroom if he's been in there for more than three minutes? I mean, you've got to know everything, right?


Nice post. It really adds a lot to the thread. By the way, I didn't have to lurk, I could see the bathroom door from my recliner in the family room. Looks like you could have used a little more parental 'control' in your life.

[papergirl]

Originally posted by Rilchiam
bodypoet: You look under the mattress? What do you suspect your kids of doing, anyway? By your standards, lola's scarlet journal wouldn't be safe even if she did keep it in her room or her bag. Kids shouldn't be cornered and frustrated to that extent.

Sure I do, if I'm cleaning or changing sheets. Where did you keep your dope when you were growing up?
My standards are nothing like Lola's stepmom, thanks. Lola's journal would be perfectly safe at my house: It might be read, but it wouldn't be thrown away or be the cause for punishment for her.
Here's the deal: If I find it, I'll read it, it's that simple. I won't bitch, burn it, publish it--but if I find reason to be concerned, I'll be ready to address it.
Last time I checked, my kids didn't seem cornered or frustrated. They're pretty happy kids who do okay in school, work hard, and have pretty good ethics (if not great decision-making skills at times). Of course, we still have several years to go, and I don't dare hope that it will always be easy. But I'll tell you one thing: If my kid were plotting to hurt someone, felt suicidal, had a drug or alcohol problem, or was being abused, and there was evidence of it in a journal, notebook, box, or anything else, I'd damn well KNOW about it.

Look, my job is not to make my kids happy or to be their friend or roommate. My job is to PARENT--to teach them and help them grow into healthy adults. Sometimes their rights to privacy or freedom are secondary to my responsibility to them. Parenting is a whole different ballgame than being a housemate.

There are a whole hell of a lot of things that you might make me feel insecure about, but parenting is NOT one of them. I'm doing right by my kids, and if you met them, you'd probably agree.

[Orual]

First, I'd like to say that I think lola sounds like an obnoxious, spoiled 15 year old.

Also, I think that being a little too strict is better then being a little too lenient, and that parents generally know how best to deal with their own children.

But I must say I'm quite shocked at the amount of people who seem to think that a teenager has no right to any kind of privacy at all. It sounds like the kids didn't lose the trust of their parents, they never had it to begin with. I can understand knowing who your kid hangs out with, where they're going, making sure they come back at a certain time ... but going through his things for no reason seems a bit excessive to me (this excludes situations where a parent can probably tell something is wrong, like drug use, or an abusive boyfriend). I guess I think that a teenager's privacy isn't inviolate, but it shouldn't be intruded on without reason.

But then, I was a very boring kid, and a rotten liar to boot, so I have zilch experience of this from either end. I would, however, have gone completely batshit if I found out my mom was reading my journals. Not because she would have found out anything about my life (I was writing fiction), but because I would have been embarrased, and angry that she didn't trust me when I had given her no reason not to.

[Rilchiam]

Originally posted by ultress
Nice post. It really adds a lot to the thread. By the way, I didn't have to lurk, I could see the bathroom door from my recliner in the family room. Looks like you could have used a little more parental 'control' in your life.

Well, I'm just wondering where you guys draw the line.

[Monster104]

You know, I was going to make a long post about what I think, but I decided not to. There seems to be a large (well, large for this board, at least) bias on this board on the part of older people (likely parents themselves) against teens/young adults ranting about their parents. I've experienced this myself in threads I've started about my dad, people passing judgement and presuming to tell me that I'm wrong and my dad was right, even though they know NOTHING about the overall situation.

Suffice to say that I am disappointed in the comments some of the posters I respect have said. :(

[reprise]

FTR, the only circumstances under which I will search through my children's stuff is when I have substantial reason to believe they are engaging in behaviour which will lead to undesirable consequences for them and one hell of a mess for me to sort out. On the few occasions I've conducted these searches, I quickly located evidence which confirmed my suspicions (in one case the evidence was drugs, in another a used pregnancy test, another time stolen money). In neither case did I tear the bedroom apart looking for evidence of other (unsuspected) transgressions.

My children do not go to any great lengths to protect their privacy. They don't hide their journals, don't greatly protect the stuff they have online. They accept that if I have SUBSTANTIAL reason to belief they may be heading for trouble (in all the instances outlined above, I had asked the child concerned and they had denied any knowledge of what I was talking about) AND having asked them about what's going on I believe their denials are outright lies, I will take steps to confirm or deny my suspicions - these steps may include not only searching through their belongings, but also talking to their friends and their friends parents.

As for destruction of property, my house as an ABSOLUTE "no illegal drugs" rule. Whether you are my child, my partner, my houseguest, my friend - whether or not you are paying rent - if you bring illegal drugs into my house and I become aware of the fact and locate them, I will not only destroy the drugs and any associated equipment, your belongings will be out in the street when you return to my house. Ditto weapons. Ditto stolen goods.

[wring]

some of that monstro if I may, comes from some very real life experiences. I do remember quite well my teen aged years, the fights with my parents, how I wrong I thought several of their decisions were etc.

And, some of it, I still think were wrong. But the whole privacy thing can become blurred.

For example - the illegal drugs, stolen property mentioned by reprise. As the homeowner, I can be (and probably will) prosecuted for having it in my home. There are laws on the books that require people in public housing to be evicted if drugs/drug dealing is done on the premises, even if it's by the tenant's child. So, under those circumstances, if it's a question of me and the littler kids being homeless because the teen's decided to sell drugs, I have no problem, ethically, legally or whatever, w/the parent doing what's necessary to protect the safety of the home.

the journal thing is dicier, but did you notice some of the posters here mentioning that the only way the parent knew about abuses and other problems was 'cause they snooped a bit?

Now, what did I do w/my teen vs. what was done to me:

1. I had almost no choices about how my room looked (decorations, bedspreads, color of walls etc.). My son got to pick out his own from the moment he expressed an opinion. The room was 'his' and as such, I felt that it should reflect his tastes, not mine. So at 5, little pictures of ninja turtles were taped to the walls. at 16, it was Cindy Crawford and a big picture.

2. Clothing/hair. Again, I had very little choices about those. I allowed my son to express his taste, w/the caveat that at school or family/formal gatherings, I had veto power. However, he exercised more restraint than I would have demanded. (neither of us cared about the green hair, tho').

3. Journals, backpacks, etc. Unless I had reason to suspect drugs, illegal stuff, I kept out. However, when there was reason to suspect, I did check and he knew that I did. My parents screened everything from my incoming/outgoing mail to everything in my room (even tho I'd never given them a reason to suspect)

4. Sexuality. Well, my parents didn't even go there. My son and I talked about it, I was especially concerned when he was 15 and had an extremely aggressive 17 year old g/f, and they spent lots of time at her house w/an air head mother in charge. But I trusted him to make good decisions, let him know that I was available to talk, and let her know that he was underage. :D

[Monster104]

Oh, and Guin? I completely agree with you!

(now I have to wait for the Earth to crack and the apocalypse to happen...any minute now... ;))

[Monster104]

And wring, I find you to be reasonable in your approach to this kind of thing.

But the way some of the posters lashed out at lola is astounding.

[wring]

the contrast, it seemed to me, was that lola didn't seem to think that the s/m had any right at all to toss her stuff, and that her responsability in the situation was very limited.

We only have those little snapshots that she's given us, but it seems that there's no love lost between the two. Maybe she does a lot of cleaning, takes care of her own food, dishes, laundry etc. I don't know. What I do know, 'cause she told us, is that she'd left certain things in semi public areas at least twice. That she'd been given a rationale (that she disagreed w/the rationale is immaterial IMHO) for why this was objectionable, but she forgot and it happened again. And, the promised consequences happened.

[papergirl]

Where do you suggest we draw the line Rilchiam? Where do you draw the line with your teenagers?
Like I said, my responsibilities as a PARENT may override my kid's right or need to privacy.
My kids have plenty of freedom, but they know what the guidelines are in my house. I've taken in other teenagers before, and they seemed fine with the rules too. My kids know that I may screw up at some things, but I'm at least TRYING to do the right thing, and they respect that.
I'm not nasty, and I don't tear through my kids stuff just looking for evidence. But like I said, if I finds it, I reads it. I am comfortable saying, "Yep, it may be an invasion of your privacy, but in this case my need to know about (insert possible problem) is more important. When you move out, you can have all the privacy you want."
Geez, don't you think kids feel their privacy is being invaded when you talk to them about birth control? Cigarettes and drugs? Practically everything else that happens? But if I don't talk to my kids about this stuff, who will?
It ain't a popularity contest, and I would be doing my kids a disservice if I allowed them to live as adults when they are barely (or not even) old enough to drive.
When I was growing up, there was a rash of teen suicides in the next town. I think 7 kids died, a huge percentage in a town of that size. And in retrospect, some of the parents regretted the fact that they refused to read their kids' journals, because they had clearly indicated suicidal ideation.
I'm willing to be the bad guy (if necessary) here, because I'm doing it in the interests of doing my job the best way I can.

All that being said, IF my kid were paying rent, doing his own laundry, etc, then his room would be his private domain, and I probably wouldn't read his stuff anymore, because I wouldn't be in there at all.

God, aren't there worse parents out there than those of us who read diaries??

[stc]

Originally posted by ultress
Well stc hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but my son loves me to death, he adores me and has a deep abiding respect for me. I keep my grandchild at least one day every weekend, and sometimes two or three times during the week. Sure he hated my guts when it was all going on, but he also didn't lack for anything he needed, and most of what he wanted. Fast forward out of the teen years, he's now 22 with a one-year-old son himself. Sometimes you have to look past the emotions to the end result. Sorry you couldn't work things out with your mom, but it takes two, sometimes it takes more on one part than on the other. When you raise a child on your own you have to be tough. Yea I made some mistakes, but I didn't have any instructional guides so I had to make the best choices at the time. If I did not love my child, I wouldn't have givem a shit what he did, when he did it or who he did it with. I daresay his son will be raised much the same way.

Oh you didnt burst my bubble.. I am glad that everything worked out with you and your son. I would never wish my situation on anyone. In my case I guess it turned out well for me as I am more "in tune" with my children so that I don't make the same mistakes as well as making me self sufficient and not reliant on anyone. But it did come at a cost to my mom as I stated in my previous post.

My point was more with that fact that I have seen first hand how an overprotective approach does not work with devestating results more often than I have seen good things come of it. I understand the concept of tough love and the fact that parents try to make the best decisions out of love for their child, and sometimes those decisions will annoy that child (as most parents decisions generally do).

I think that my issue was with the fact that it almost seemed like you thought children weren't allowed to make mistakes and if they didn't like it "well there's the door". That just struck me the wrong way I guess. My kids have reasonable privacy, heck, I even let my son have a "Knock before entering" sign on his door. I just feel that this teaches him to respect the privacy of others. My experiences suggest that teaching respect for others and themselves is one of the hardest things to teach someone. The only way I would search my son's room is if I thought he was doing something. I wouldnt do it arbitrarily or without cause. But you are right, everyone has their own situations and thoughts on raising kids; mine just differ from yours

[Guinastasia]

Anyone who read my diary would find a lot of nasty stuff written about them.

Sorry, but how would you like for your kids to go through your stuff?

Really.

:(

[Rilchiam]

bodypoet, I'm just saying that I can see this no-privacy policy leading to a very embarrassing situation.

"Tommy! Why is this door locked!"

"Uh..."

"TOMMY! [pound pound] Open up this door!"

"Uh...yeah...hold on..."

"TOMMY! [bam bam bam] YOU'VE GOT ONE MINUTE TO OPEN THIS DOOR OR I'LL..."

"Yeah, mom okay! Okay!"

"What were you doing that you had to lock the door?"

"..."

"Were you doing drugs?...Were you worshipping Satan?...Were you...Wait --- is that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?! Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

[papergirl]

I'm thinking I have a much higher tolerance for privacy-invasion issues than many people.
I don't care WHO reads what I write. When I was a teenager, I felt basically the same way I do now: My mom/teacher/whoever was welcome to read whatever she found, but unless I admitted to doing something dangerous, I didn't wanna hear about it.
But really, that answer ignores the obvious (to me, anyway) fact about family life: There is a difference between a parent and a child. Different responsibilities, different rights, different expectations of each. It wouldn't make me mad to find that my kids snooped in my room--no doubt they have--but I don't really expect them to, because they have no responsibility to make sure Mom is keeping her nose clean.
Their job is to be kids. My job is to parent, and that job involves a whole different job description.
Is anybody seeing my point?

For a quick ferinstance: When my son was a junior high student, I ran across his journal. No, I wasn't tossing his room looking for contraband, I happened on it while cleaning. Anyway, I read it, naturally, and found a couple of things out: 1. He'd stayed all night at his buddy's, and had been offered drugs, which he declined. 2. He had a crush on a neighbor girl and was going to try to "get a bunch skinnier so she will like me." 3. He was worried that after he got glasses, no one would like him and he would be "without hope."
I didn't sit him down and read him the riot act, but over the course of a few weeks, I was able work into our conversations the issues that concerned me. He never knew I read his journal, but I was very glad to have those insights because they gave me a good jumping off point for some pretty serious discussions.

Again, a whole different situation that what Lola is facing, I know.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
I'd like to second kellbelli's thoughts.


I'm a little offput at the joy lola expects when one day she is orphaned. It makes her "giddy", and that includes not only a giddiness at the thought of her step mother being dead, but what I understand to be her birth father, whom she longs to have on her side.

leaves me a little oogy.



When I was a young adult, I supported my parents while they lingered and died.

So when a young adult who is subsidized by her parents comes along and makes statements as Lola has, I am saddened at how lost she is.

[papergirl]

Sorry, Rilchiam, I missed your post in my frenzy of typing my previous message.

Your scenario wouldn't happen at my house. I don't have a strict "no-privacy" policy as you describe it, and I fully expect that my son doesn't spend ALL of his time in the shower lather-rinse-repeating.

Here's what I'm saying: If he has drugs or contraband stashed in his room, I'm probably gonna find it. If he's using, I'm quite likely to know it. If he writes, chances are pretty good that I'll run across the writing and read it.

If it's a playboy fantasy about the girl of his dreams, I'll close the book and tuck it right back where it came from. If, on the other hand, he's wondering whether he should use a gun or a rope, I'll have a bit of a head start on helping him.

Frankly, I'd rather screw up actively than passively in this case. I'd far prefer to apologize to him someday for invading his privacy than to lose sleep at night wondering why I didn't just read the damn journal when I had the chance. Y'know?

[reprise]

I must admit that there are a few questions which keep going over and over in my mind about the OP. 1) the circumstances under which Lola came to live with her dad and SM; 2) why living with her mother isn't an option for Lola; 3) how long Lola has been living with her dad and SM; 4) how long dad and SM have been together; and 5) Lola's age.

While none of these things directly affect whether TWSM should have read Lola's journal, let alone confiscated it (and FTR, I think both actions were inappropriate), the answers might go a long way towards putting SM's actions in contents. Lola's comments about her SM are not those of a mature adult, and if they reflect her RL behaviour I suspect that she could be an extremely exasperating young woman with whom to share a living space.

[Muffin]

Originally posted by Rilchiam
"Were you doing drugs?...Were you worshipping Satan?...Were you...Wait --- is that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?! Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

My mom never could grasp the concept of knocking and waiting for admission. One day she entered my bedroom when, well, you can guess.

"Eek!" she cried, and off she scurried.

That night she insisted that my father sit down with me and explain the facts of life. I figured that I had things well in hand, if you'll excuse the pun, but she insisted that he sit me down at the kitchen table and give me "the talk."

No sooner than he started, than my mom marched in and told him that he had it all wrong. A discussion between the two ensued.. In as much as my mother courted my father several years before marrying, and then took half-a-dozen years before producing me (her eldest), she may very well have been correct, but I slunk away before hearing too much, being both mortified and highly amused at the same time.

The next day I installed a lock on my bedroom door, having learned that the primary fact of life has nothing to do with sex, but rather that the ultimate duty of parents is to embarrass their children despite their having the best of intentions.

[reprise]

A quick re-read of the entire thread reveals that Lola lived elsewhere up until 7 months ago; that her mum and stepdad are wonderful people; she has a (likeminded) brother in BC; she expects other people to be responsible for bringing up her furniture.

The cynic in me says that there must be some reason why she moved 7 months ago; that despite her clear preference for her mum and step-dad and her brother, living with her father and SM seems to be her only familial option ATM (one has to ask why); and that perhaps the reason her furniture wasn't moved is because her stay in the house was not intended to be longterm (let's face it, if you ASK a child to move in, you do tend to help them with moving in their furniture or at least harrass them about organising it themself).

It sure doesn't sound to me like Lola is there on any kind of "room-mate" basis, but rather that she's been given a temporary roof over her head until she finds suitable, permanent accommodation.

Let's remember, that as an ADULT Lola cannot have been "sent" to live with her father; her choice of her father's residence over that of her mother or her brother (or wherever the hell she was living 7 months ago) raises a lot of questions about her motivations for being there in the first place (I'm wondering to what extent SM was even consulted about this arrangement).

[Rilchiam]

bodypoet and Muffin: Okay then!

[NightRabbit]

Another teenager chiming into the privacy hijack.

I have tried multiple journals, both paper and on the computer, and to this day I am completely paranoid about writing things down. I burn all my sketchbooks after I fill them, and I destroyed the journals that I kept up for a few months before it eventually overcame me. I feel like anything I write down will be snooped through and anything saved will eventually be violated. Even in my own dorm room at school, all by myself, in a notebook I intend to destroy, I don't trust writing anything down. Paper is no longer private.

Overzealous parents should realize that their actions have consequences. Not everything is going to be hunky-dory when the children get older. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable writing private things down- they just seem so much safer without leaving my head.

[reprise]

In some ways NightRabbit the "don't permanently record anything you wouldn't want people to see in the event of your death" rule isn't a bad one.

Many journal entries and the like describe TRANSIENT feelings; I know that I'll often destroy or delete stuff (I'm a great writer of letters I never intend to send) once those feelings have passed precisely because I would not want someone who came across them after my death to be hurt by them.

I think there are huge differences between between the "everything is sacred and inviolate" viewpoint, the viewpoint that I will infringe on my children's privacy when I believe it is in the best interests of their welfare that I do so, and the "everything is my business" viewpoint.

[ratty]

Originally posted by Guinastasia
Anyone who read my diary would find a lot of nasty stuff written about them.

Sorry, but how would you like for your kids to go through your stuff?

Really.

:(

Interesting question, considering I spent a lot of time doing just that as a kid. I was raised in an environment with zero trust: my parents lied to each other, to me, and I lied to them, often over the most trivial things. My father, rest his soul, lived in a bubble world that revolved solely aroudn him- going through anyone else's stuff simply never occurred to the man. My mother, OTOH, is possibly the nosiest person I have ever met, and she could be maliciously so- she would throw her snooping in my face while arguing over a completely unrelated topic. I couldn't trust either of them, and I learned at an early age to hide everything I valued. I was never a bad kid- never did drugs, never stayed out late, never broke the law, did well in school.

I responded with passive aggression in kind- I went through everything they owned. And yes, I took a perverse satisfaction in knowing things about them they'd prefer no one knew, especially their child. Yes, it's sick and sad, and I regret it today, especially since my relationships with both of them improved once I left home.

It was a strange homelife- my parents treated me emotionally as an adult, but physically as a child. House rules were in place, such as no staying out late, etc., but emotionally they both spent a lot of time dumping their own emotinal baggage onto me, confiding in me their own marriage, career, and life problems LONG before I was ready to handle any of it. Each grilled me about the others' behavior; each asked me to keep secrets from the other. It was weird and screwed up, and it made me strange and unable to tust other people.

Obviously, I resented this, and I took action- if they treated me like so, I would treat them the same. If you go through my stuff, I'll go through yours. If I trust you and you betray me, your secrets are no longer safe with me. If they respected me, I respected them, and everyone was happy. But a slip-up one anyone's part and it was like Ragnarok. I lived on eggshells for 18 years. Because in my family, an open and serious discussion about a situation just wasn't possible, I attempted to assert myself through this method, and eventually, it started working. It was a fucked-up situation, I tell you, and I have scars and baggage, and whatnot, but I've managed to let at least some it go. I realized at an unfortunately young age that both of my parents were deep-down actually pretty fucked-up people. It tore me apart as a kid, but I forgave them. If I hadn't, I would never have been able to change my own life. I would have become them, which is never something I wanted. I love them, but I never really respected them. And my father died before I got a chance. My mom and I have a stronger relationship today, and I'm working no overlooking our past, overlooking the things about her I dislike, because she's really all I know of family.

Eh. Enough about my problems. But Guinastatsia brings up a point- if you don't treat your kids with respect, they will never respect you in turn. They will just learn to lie, cheat, and steal to get around you. There's a basic, though flexible, set of rules between parent and child- you treat your kids like kids, and they treat you like parents. You treat them appropriately based on their age and responsibility levels. You don't force your own problems and issues onto them, because they will learn to resent you, and they will learn to use your own methods against you. Controlling your children and allowing them no space will make them hate you- it will make them secret and devious and filled with distrust and resentment. Trust me, this is not something you want.

[Hamadryad]

a) Saying "If I find it, I'm going to read it" does not = "I am going to make a lifetime crusade out of digging through your things like a badger with the trots"

b) Expressing the opinion "kids living at home are not going to have the privacy that a normal roommate would" does not = "I am going to go out of my way to violate his/her privacy at every opportunity"

c) Not feeling comfortable keeping a journal is not a fucking tragedy

Fuck, some people in this thread have acted like those of us who are active parents who participate in raising their own children are actually thought police right out of 1984.

Bitch in one thread that kids these days are growing up with no respect and no rules and no ability to display common rules of etiquette; bitch in another thread that some parents are being too controlling. You can have good, strong, productive members of society, or you can have kids with complete freedom from their parents' prying eyes; you can't have both.

Obviously, an unfortunate number of people live in a black-and-white world where any violation of privacy means "no privacy ever ever ever," and for those people....GODDAMN I hope you don't have kids, because your well-meaning be-your-kid's-buddy IDIOCY is going to lead to another generation of people who think the world fucking owes them a wink and a smile.

[papergirl]

Originally posted by ratty
...if you don't treat your kids with respect, they will never respect you in turn. They will just learn to lie, cheat, and steal to get around you. There's a basic, though flexible, set of rules between parent and child- you treat your kids like kids, and they treat you like parents. You treat them appropriately based on their age and responsibility levels. You don't force your own problems and issues onto them, because they will learn to resent you, and they will learn to use your own methods against you. Controlling your children and allowing them no space will make them hate you- it will make them secret and devious...

ratty, it sounds like you've overcome a lot, and I'm glad that you have the insight you do about your childhood.

And I thought I was going to argue with you about this last part, but re-reading it, I'm not so sure...because I agree with pretty much everything you've said. See all the italics I added? That's my belief, right on the button. And that's the point--treating kids like KIDS is different than treating them like adults.

My only contention is that it is possible to limit your kid's right to privacy and also be respectful of his needs. One way of doing this is to be up front about it: my kids know the rule, and they know the consequences--at most, a sit-down with Mom to figure out how to handle a big problem. I'd never use anything I find to humilate or hurt them, or throw it back in their faces later. In most cases, they never even KNOW I've read anything in their room, because all I do is read it--not throw it out, not crumple it up, not write messages on it, nada.

I respect my kids a lot. They speak their minds politely, they're fairly honest, and they behave appropriately in any situation they find themselves. They know that if they don't agree with me, they can say so without getting chewed out. Their opinions aren't shot down as juvenile or childish. They can dye their hair, pierce their noses, wear love beads or three piece suits, I'm cool with it.

Being IN CONTROL of what happens in your home is not the same as being OVERCONTROLLING. Privately reading a journal left on a dresser is a hell of a far cry from forcing a teenager to read her love letters out loud in front of the entire family, you know? Authoritative parent vs Athoritarian parent...it is possible to be one without being the other.

[ratty]

Just wanted to say I agree completely with your post, bodypoet. You put my own views on parenting much more succintly than I could have done, despite my rambling several paragraphs. I suppose all I really wanted to communicate is that every situation is different, and that there is a huge amount of grey area in parenting, where you can be in charge, but not overbearing, and a friend to your child, but not overly permissive.

[Guinastasia]

Hell, I'd write shit that wasn't true, just to catch them on it.

How can I ask my future children to treat others with respect, if I don't respect them in turn?


Saying "If I find it, I'm going to read it" does not = "I am going to make a lifetime crusade out of digging through your things like a badger with the trots"


Well goody for you. That makes it SOOO much better, doesn't it?

:rolleyes:


Not feeling comfortable keeping a journal is not a fucking tragedy


No, but not being able to trust sure is.



Obviously, an unfortunate number of people live in a black-and-white world where any violation of privacy means "no privacy ever ever ever," and for those people....GODDAMN I hope you don't have kids, because your well-meaning be-your-kid's-buddy IDIOCY is going to lead to another generation of people who think the world fucking owes them a wink and a smile.


What the FUCK is your deal? No one said anything about being your kid's buddy. All we said was, if you see a journal sitting in your child's room, that doesn't give you the right to read it. Unless you have other cause to suspect some serious shit going on.

I'm glad my mother respected me, because I can go to her and trust her and ask her advice. If she didn't respect my privacy, I wouldn't trust her and I'd be fucking sneaky.

Um, hello, self-fulfilling prophecy?

[ultress]

I got news for you Guin, if you had a journal out where it could be seen, your mom read it. No doubt about it. She just didn't tell you.

[reprise]

I guess this would be a really bad time to point out that my children have physical an online journals which are TOTALLY unprotected and I regard those journals as being none of my fucking business unless and until I have substantial reason to believe my children may be in danger - in which case I will and I HAVE in the past gained information which has enabled me to protect my children.

I have no inherent right whatsoever to read my child's day to day writings. I feel privileged when she shares them with me (and some of them have been fairly "dark"), but I have no right whatsoever to see and pass judgement on every single word she writes.

FWIW, my children feel totally comfortable bringing to me their poems, pictures, other creative works which express violent or suicidal ideation. At the weirdest of times, I'll be asked to look at a particular picture or read a particular poem.

I came into this thread feeling that the OP was a pretty selfish, immature bitch. The more responses of hers I read the more I was convinced that her current living situation was an "option of last resort" for both her and the household where she is currently living.

I believe that the OP is genuinely in need of practical help. It's kind of sad that she had to post a "my WSM is a bitch" thread than having enough faith in us as a community to post a "oh fuck, I don't know what to do next" thread.

Until this moment, I've regarded the forum divisions as being fairly arbitrary and fairly irrelevant. This is one of the very few instances in which I think that some of us responded more in the "spirit of the forum" than to the content of the OP.

I know that this subject is way too close to my own heart right now for me to continue in this thread.

I wish you the best lola. If ever you need people to talk to, my email addy is in my profile as are the email addresses of many of the other parents who've posted here.

I can't say anything more than I hope your life works out in a happier way in the near future. If you need a hand in making that happen, then I know this amazing messageboard where you might find the odd (sometimes VERY odd) person who'd feel privileged to accompany you at least part of the way to a vibrant, fulfilling future.

[papergirl]

Guin, you can't meet my kids, so maybe you can take my word on this one.
My kids feel trusted, respected, and accepted in my home. They have normal, everyday, teenage problems--they don't like chores, etc--but overall, they're pretty healthy. They don't have the anger that you're projecting here, and they aren't sneaky, and what's more, THEY RESPECT ME AND OTHER PEOPLE.
My home is not a police state. It's just a home where I expect to be the parent. I have privileges and rights that they don't have at this time, because they are 12 and 16 respectively. As they get older and more independent, they'll have more privileges, and those privileges too will be somewhat dependent on the decisions that I make as a parent. For instance, my son will be able to drive soon, and that's fine--unless he causes an accident, gets caught without a seatbelt, or otherwise shows he's not ready, then he'll lose his license until I get the impression he's mature enough for it. He knows this, and every time he gets in a car, he'll make choices based on that. I think that might be a good thing.
Kids don't get screwed up to the degree you imply just because Mom reads their stuff if it happens to be around. Trust me, they don't. If I combined stuff-reading with ridicule, belittling, name-calling, screaming, and other types of abuse, THEN I could expect to have some untrusting, furtive, sneaky, writing-shit-to-upset-that-meddling-bitch kid on my hands.
But I don't. In most areas, I'm a very laid-back parent. Want green hair? Have at it. Want to go into auto repair instead of engineering? Okay by me. Piercings? Ouch, but it's your skin.
I worked with troubled teenagers for 10 years, and I know for a fact that things could be a hell of a lot worse than having a nosy mom.

Back to the OP, Lola, you still with us? I'd like to hear how things are going.

[Lady of the Lake]

Lola:

I'm not a parent, so I guess I have a different view than many in the board. I feel that some comments to you here were a little harsh. Sure, there were some signs of frustration on your part, perhaps saying things you don't necessarily mean (I assumed that with the comment about inheriting the house, it was a frustrated comment, not a wish for death.) But nothing that seemed to make you a 'selfish, immature bitch' as your described ACTIONS are very mild. *shrugs* The crime that you've committed is very small, and the punishment by the mother in law rather strict...that I can understand why there is a certain amount of frustration on your part.

I understand how hard it is to 'move on' sometimes, how hard it is to know what the right decision is. I myself still struggle, an example being my current job. I'm not sure if I should stay because I'm not happy, but there are so many factors keeping me here. If you need to talk, please feel free to email me. Basically, I don't think you have behaved horribly, I think a trust has been violated, and I understand some of your feelings. *hug*

Wishing you the best Lola :)

Viv

[kung fu lola]

Wow, I had to spend the week away and now I have to clarify a few things:

1. When I meant that I would get 50% of a house, I meant my mother's house, which she has told me would go to my brother and I upon her death. She has made arrangements for this.

2. The "giddiness" remark was not a comment on the subject of becoming an orphan, but just a statement of my mood at the time when I posted.

3. My mother had to smuggle the futon up because my stepmom has declared that my mother isn't allowed in the house. My father couldn't give her directions to the house so that she could drop off some furniture on Easter weekend. My mom and stepdad were camping in Gatineau park as part of their trip to Gaspe, so I met them after work, directed them to the house, then dragged the futon inside the house and down the stairs myself so that Mom didn't have to set foot inside, as per stepmom's wishes.
Dad was putting off moving my furniture up because he wanted the chance to paint first (and it's easier to paint an empty room, duh). After that, every free weekend he's had has been spent at the cottage. He hasn't had time to take a day to move my stuff up.

4. It was stepmom herself who invited me to move in about a year ago. Dad has been dangling an offer to stay in this house in front of me for years now; he kept on telling me I should go to high school in Quebec during the school year and work at Upper Canada Village during the summer.

5. I try not to be a sponge; I never make a mess and when I do I clean it up, my objective is to make it look as though I was never there. I rarely ever eat their food and I NEVER use the computer or television when the fam is home; only when they're away, so that it is always there for them when they want it without me standing in the way. I do my own laundry, I wash my own dishes and I scrub the toilet if it looks like it needs it.

[kung fu lola]

Also, I would like to add that I am living with my Dad and stepmom because there were no jobs where I was living before and there are plenty here.
Also, the offer to live here wasn't "until I got myself on my feet"; I was invited to share the house, which is why I can't understand why stepmom is so angry that I am there, especially when it was she who offered it to me seriously in the first place.

I have already explained that my stepmother is an angry person. All through her courtship with my dad, I can remember her sulking in her room and him pleading through the door with her to come out and talk. I know now that she is prone to door-slamming, sarcastic comments and lots of firey, Old-Testament-style judging of other people.
You should hear her rant about Alanis' Thank U video - she sees it as porn - she cannot concieve that nudity can mean anything other than sex.

[papergirl]

Lola, I don't know how much it will help, but what you've said here is very important, I think: Your stepmother is an angry person. It's very likely that she is not really mad at YOU at all--something else in her life is pissing her off, and she is taking it out on you (and probably on other people as well.)
I remember when my mom started acting like she hated me...the very sight of me was enough to set her off during my senior year of high school. It was miserable. It wasn't until a decade later that I found out she had been going through menopause and all the attendant hormonal stuff, AND she had found out that my father was having an affair.
I'm sure your sm's circumstances are different, but keep in mind that you, your journal, and your behavior *may* not be the cause of her anger. It just may be the target.
I still think it'll be good for you to get out, but I bet I don't have to tell you that, eh?
Best,
karol