Fuck you, you motherfucking slimy excuse for a uterus

[tiny ham]

Yes. You. Get over here and siddown.

YOU, you liver colored, pear like set of bulbous steer horns called my reproductive system.

I am through screwing around with you. I put up with your god damn cramps for well nigh to 17 years now...I've bled like a fucking stuck pig so you can feel nice and clean and refreshed every month or so.

Well it's on now, kitten. I want a god damn baby in that uterus and I mean now. TODAY. A. S. A. MOTHERFUCKING P.

I feed you a warm, nutritious salty supply of semen on a regular basis.

SHUT UP BITCH. It doesn't matter how I know it's salty. I just KNOW.. OK? I'm calling the fucking shots here.

And what do you do? Reject it. eww eww...we don't like that sperm ... ew ew ew ewwww. We're eggs. We're better than you....

Well I got news for ya, Miss High and Mighty;

If you slough yourself this month...it is all over for you, Sally. ALL OVER. I'm not sure how I'm going to punish you, but god knows I'm gonna if there isn't a cute little pink and brown fish eyed alien like thing growin' inside you by October that I can brag to my mom about when I go down to Charlotte.

Maybe I'll take rides on vigorous rollercoasters, with the bar RIGHT ACROSS MY MID SECTION.

Maybe I'll play catch with a medicine ball.

These are just options, bitch. I've got a million of them...just try me.

So shut your cervix, stock up on that velvety uterine lining and get ready to sing some cock sucking, motherfucking lullabies...STAT.

It's just about time you started earning your fucking keep, you pulsing,viscous inverted pear.

Over.

and OUT.

[CrazyCatLady]

I've haven't read anything that funny since the prehensile rectum thread. Still I've never known threats to be very effective with a uterus. It just brings out the defiant streak in them.

That's why mine always finds a way to start sloughing at massively inconvenient times, even though it has to massively rearrange its schedule in order to do it. If your uterus is anything like mine, it's just plain impudent.

[Richard Pearse]

Good luck jarbabyj!!

[belladonna]

Sad topic.
Funny thread.

Best of luck jarbaby, I can't imagine how stressful it must be to keep trying and trying with no results.
If it helps, I'm picturing you hugely pregnant and waddling down the hall right now.

bella

[Avalonian]

Wow... jarbabyj, that was great! You rock.

From a father of three who recently got fixed, after many reproductive trials and tribulations of our own... best of luck! And if that uterus doesn't listen, kick some ass! *grins*

[tiny ham]

Luckily, I'm still at the point where I can write humorous if not threatening threads on the subject. Six months from now, if I'm not gorging my self on pickles...y'all will be seein' a different Jar.

[Ethilrist]

Wow. The miracle of life. Brings a tear to my eye. >sniff<

Good luck to you and yours.

[World Eater]

Don't forget belly flops off river overpasses.

[tiny ham]

YES! The torture will continue until the pee turns blue

[EchoKitty]

Best of luck to you...I'll send you some of my reproductive luck. All I have to do is look at a guy in tight pants and I'm knocked up! At least, that's how it was before I got fixed.

[Coldfire]

May I suggest the position of Mike Tyson Punchbag for a good half hour or so? We'll be sure to tell him how he has anger control issues, and how he shouldn't be slapping women around no more. That ought to get him in the zone.

[GKW]

jarbabyj- You will have a baby. Don't stress about it.

Tension fucking where all kinds of weird thoughts run through your mind (I'm ovulating - do it to me now, NOW, right NOW! Argh, I need a perfect petit mort orgasm to ensure fertilization, etc. ) isn't good for making babies.

Set a date a year from now and then forget about it. If by that date your not pregnant, go see the OB/GYN. They'll do a bunch of tests and then you'll have a whole team of people working to get you pregnant :) With all the drugs and procedures available, I 'm sure that you'll eventually be a jarmamaj.

[Lady Venom]

jarbabyj,

As a woman who has had reproductive problems for 8 years now, only in resulting in 1 pregnancy (which I later miscarried) I have to say you have summed up EXACTLY how I have felt in the past few years.

Thank you! and good luck!

[tiggeril]

I think it would listen a bit more closely if it wasn't in the fridge behind the milk. You might wanna throw it in the microwave for a little while.

;)

[tiny ham]

GKW, ob-gyn said 'there is no reason I shouldn't be pregnant in six months'. I have to go back then. Until then she has put me on probation :) I am not allowed to do temping, or keeping track of cervical mucus, I'm not even allowed to go to fertility message boards. My assignment is to have sex with abandon many days.

There have been worse prescriptions.

[Honey]

Originally posted by GKW
....then you'll have a whole team of people working to get you pregnant :)This part makes me laugh.


jarbabyj
My doctor told me it was best to have sex every other day rather than every day when I was trying to get pregnant. This allowed Mr. Honey's "swimmers" to build back up a bit.

[tiny ham]

Right Honey. She told me that too. She in fact said, if we're really busy, just to have sex on day 12, 14, and 16 of my cycle, and stay in bed for a half hour after wards.

OH TO HAVE A HALF HOUR TO LAY AROUND!!!!

J

[herownself]

Jar, seriously, lay the fuck around for half an hour. Make time for it. If you succeed in your mission, it will be the last rest you get for more years than you want to think about.

Soon as I finish this damn dissertation, I'll be right there with you in the uterus watching club. Have you tried affirmations?

"I am a good uterus, I listen to what my brain tells me"

"I am a strong uterus, I can carry a child around for as long as I need to"

"I am a happy uterus, all I want is to live in harmony with the desires of the rest of my body"

"I have a friendly cervix, I like to party with the swimmers, lets invite them home!"

Shit like that.

[tiny ham]

I'm just too angry with my uterus to talk to her right now.

She just...makes life so difficult. She's a bitch. We're not talking.

[Dolores Reborn]

This is the funniest rant I've read in such a long time. Seriously Jarbabyj, you do rock.

And I hope you are pregnant soon!

[Largo62]

Jeezus, jarbabyj, when your clock is ticking it really freaking TICKS! If my plumbing still worked I'd offer to help. :D

[Wabbit]

Ugh, all this talk of a slimy uterus and mucus has given me the dry heaves. Anyone want the rest of these fries?

And best of luck the whole reproduction thing.

[tsarina]

Put a pillow under your butt while you lay there for that half hour.

jarbaby's uterus, we're counting on you, bitch!

[Scylla]

Just out of curiousity, has Mr. Jar ummm... been tested?

Sometimes these things may not be Uterus' fault.

[imthjckaz]

Just out of curiousity, has Mr. Jar ummm... been tested?

I was thinking this too.
Maybe his swimmers aren't strong enough to make the trip up stream.
They may need some help.

Good luck, and keep on tryin'.

[The Man Who]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
I'm just too angry with my uterus to talk to her right now.

She just...makes life so difficult. She's a bitch. We're not talking.

Not talking, huh?

Well then, your husband must be the world's greatest ventriloquist, cause I sure hear something.



-Myron

[tiny ham]

Gyno sez no testing of any sort until we've been conception free for at least a year. Six more months. So if the swimmers are failing, they've got a while to shape up.

J

[AHunter3]

"I am a good uterus, I listen to what my brain tells me"

"I am a strong uterus, I can carry a child around for as long as I need to"

"I am a happy uterus, all I want is to live in harmony with the desires of the rest of my body"


I am a tough healthy and well-muscled uterus ready to bend iron, and OK we do it your way for 9 months, but when the time comes I'm turnin' you inside out like a tennis ball, heh heh heh. Wait and see.

[Entwife]

Originally posted by AHunter3


I am a tough healthy and well-muscled uterus ready to bend iron, and OK we do it your way for 9 months, but when the time comes I'm turnin' you inside out like a tennis ball, heh heh heh. Wait and see.

For the love of all that is holy, maintain at least a civil relationship with your uterus. She can punish you much more severely than you could ever hope to punish her!

And good luck!

---Entwife, who just produced a 10lb Entling with no pain medication. Ow.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Ya know, I'm pretty sure I now know more about jarbaby'suterus than my own...

Ah well - good luck. For what it's worth, my mom firmly stands behind getting a puppy and lying around in order to achieve conception.

I thought having sex would be a better route, but apparently not...

God I kill me.

[WV_Woman]

Jarbaby hang in there ... as my mom would say, "like a hair in a biscuit."

All together now: EWWWWWWWW!

Seriously, it'll happen! Sometimes it just takes a while to get the timing right and all that other stuff happening at the same time.

I'm sure soon we'll see a thread entitled "BOUT DAMN TIME" from you :)

[Sapphire Bullet]

Damn, I love it when you talk to your body parts. The only thing better is when you tell us what they say back to you.


Many pregnant vibes to you, jar.

[Wikkit]

Originally posted by Sapphire Bullet
Many pregnant vibes to you, jar. Prolly be better if she uses the jarboyj, rather than the vibe... Oh, you mean it that way. Nevermind.

Yeah, good luck as always, jbj. I've been having nutty dreams, and I think it's people like you that have been giving them to me.

Maybe you could savagely eat a pear every day just to show that uterus what you're capable of.

[Cosmopolitan]

I've had enough of MY uterus too - 13 years & change is enough for me right now. Maybe it'll take pity on me & go away until I'm ready for pregnancy. Maybe not. The uterus is, as jarbabyj so eloquently explained, a fickle mistress.

In any case, I wish you good luck with the baby-making, jar. Here's hoping your uterus gets over it's rebellious phase soon.

[FriarTed]

Jarbabyj, your rant resounded in my brain with Alyson Hannigan's voice.

[Cobalt]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
Fuck you, you motherfucking slimy excuse for a uterus
...
YOU, you liver colored, pear like set of bulbous steer horns called my reproductive system.
...
It's just about time you started earning your fucking keep, you pulsing,viscous inverted pear. Wow, and I thought the mood swings weren't supposed to happen until after the lady got pregnant! :eek:

Good rant! And good luck to you.

Of course, now I'm worried about how Mrs. Cobalt will behave when it's our turn to start reproducin'...

[CrazyCatLady]

That's not a mood swing, silly. That's pure rage. Mood swings are rage followed by laughter followed by tears followed by excitement followed by petulance...in space of twenty minutes. Now those are mood swings.

[imthjckaz]

I'm sorry, I read uterus, but say Eutychus.

Uterus-Eutychus

Eutychus-Uterus

They sound alike, don't they?


Continue.



maybe I'm just nuts

[Kricket]

No, your not nuts, your thjckaz!


Good luck Jar!
And at any point in time you feel the need you may have any one of my five to tide you over.
Let's see, we have a new teenager, a new jr. high, (both girls) a fifth grader, a first grader (boys) and a new cutie pie of a kindergartener. (girl)
Various hair and eye color along with various attitudes for tons of fun!

Good luck love