Great TV moments that should have been but never were

[Lute Skywatcher]

SNL: back when Hans and Franz were commenting on Jimmy the Greek's racisim debacle, Lorne (or whomever was in charge at the time) should have hired Bubba Smith to sneak up on the guys.

[Ethilrist]

Carol Brady: "Hey! Mike! There are nine people living under this roof, and one bathroom! What kind of no-talent dimwit of an architect are you?

[zev_steinhardt]

Fred & Barney & Wilma & Betty meet Ralph & Norton & Alice and Trixie.

The Prisoner wakes up to find out that he's Bob Newhart's patient.

Muppet Smackdown!: Gonzo vs. Grover

The episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye becomes a born-again Christian and gives up booze and women...

The episode of AfterMASH where Harry Morgan and co. realize that this show stank and just upped and left.

The episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Picard said "Fire at will" and Worf blasted Riker.

The episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Dr. Pulaski mentions that her great-great-great-great grandmother died from falling down an elevator shaft in a Los Angeles law office.

The episode of Cheers where Fraiser mentions that his father is dead and then his father walks in the door.

In a very special Little House on the Prarie, Laura Ingalls discovers what happens to little girls who go near extradimensional vortexes and tease the Jem'Hadar.

The time that Warner Wolf said "Let's go to the videotape" and the techies in the back put a porn tape in the machine by mistake.

Godzilla vs. the "World Book Encyclopedia" guy (same conclusion as the Babmi vs. Godzilla short).

Zev Steinhardt (who has never been on television).

[KneadToKnow]

The production meeting at which somebody suggested The Anna Nicole Show and was beaten to death by the others in attendance.

[Dubias Cereology]

When Kramer starts to barge in on Jerry and Jerry just gives him a hard look and is able to make him go back out and close the door quietly, and then knock.

The show where Fonzy tries to jump the shark and falls and gets bitten in the knee.

The one where Bart splices the dog and cat together into "a cog and dat" and tries to get them stuffed like that.

[Max Torque]

The final episode of Cheers where disgruntled postal worker Cliff Clavin comes into the bar armed to the teeth and blows everyone away. That series finale would have had everyone talking about it for years.

[photopat]

The one where Major Nelson says, "You know Jeannie, let's just go crazy. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that navel."

The one where Darren says "You know Sam, use your powers. I'm tired of shlepping into the city everyday. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that nose twitch for real."

The one where Mike says "Carol, I'm gay, and I'm moving in with Sam the Butcher."

The one where Ricki grows a beard and tells Lucy "I'm heading home, and taking Little Ricki with me. Viva la Revolucion."

[photopat]

The one where Major Nelson says, "You know Jeannie, let's just go crazy. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that navel."

The one where Darren says "You know Sam, use your powers. I'm tired of shlepping into the city everyday. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that nose twitch for real."

The one where Mike says "Carol, I'm gay, and I'm moving in with Sam the Butcher."

The one where Ricki grows a beard and tells Lucy "I'm heading home, and taking Little Ricki with me. Viva la Revolucion."

The one where a tsunami takes out Baywatch.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

The episode of Seinfeld where something was actually funny.

The Addams Family meets The Munsters. (my money's on Gomez & co.)

[Skeezix]

Originally posted by Zev:
Godzilla vs. the "World Book Encyclopedia" guy (same conclusion as the Babmi vs. Godzilla short).

Almost Live once did a skit touching on this.
The annoying kid goes on and on about the books, and the (off-camera) announcer tells him to "come closer... closer... Yeah, that's good, stand right there..."

And belts him right in the face from behind the camera.
"Man, I've wanted to do that for a long time."

Be like Billy... behave yourselves!

[dwc1970]

Just once I would have liked to see Charlie Brown kick that damn football (either that, or he "misses" and kicks Lucy in the head).

[Bryan Ekers]

Lucy finally gets to perform in Desi's show, on the night the whole band dies in a fire.

Her last words as the buring collapsed ceiling beam crushes the life from her:

WAAAAAHHHHH!

[pldennison]

Originally posted by Dubias Cereology
The one where Bart splices the dog and cat together into "a cog and dat" and tries to get them stuffed like that.

Hey, this actually sorta happened, in the Halloween episode in which Homer buys the telepods off of Prof. Frink. The dog and cat run in there, and out comes an animal with the front half of a dog and cat joined together. Then another animal comes out composed of their asses, and Bart says, "Ewwww . . . that one's Lisa's."

[stankow]

Originally posted by zev_steinhardt
The episode of Cheers where Fraiser mentions that his father is dead and then his father walks in the door.In all fairness to the writers, they did address this when Sam visited Frasier in Seattle. He told Marty that Frasier had said he was dead, and Frasier said, "Well, we'd just had an argument."

[capacitor]

Wat should have happened: Molly and Trish starts a feud based on their personalities: Molly being pure, Trish being sexy. They get the WWE officials to lift the moveset restriction, and reward the fans with five-star matches each week on Raw.

What happened instead: Trish calls Molly a "fat ass", drops Molly pants each chance she gets, lackluster intergender matches with Molly always having a weak partner.

[elf6c]

The real finales for Seinfeld and Magnum P.I., not the crappy ones we got. Come on, I am waiting. . .

:(

[Loneraven]

Originally posted by zev_steinhardt

The episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye becomes a born-again Christian and gives up booze and women...

I'm in agreement... how about if the episode where he loses that bet and has to walk through the camp dressed in nothing but boots and dogtags had been less "creatively" filmed?

[zev_steinhardt]

Originally posted by stankow
In all fairness to the writers, they did address this when Sam visited Frasier in Seattle. He told Marty that Frasier had said he was dead, and Frasier said, "Well, we'd just had an argument."

I must have missed that one on Fraiser. However, in any event, IIRC, when Fraiser was talking about his "late" father, he was doing it in a nostalgic, missing-dad kind of way. Not what I would expect if they just had an argument.

In any event, if my father and I ever had an argument (and keep in mind, I once didn't speak to my father for three years [long story]), I would still never refer to him as dead.

Zev Steinhardt

[kunilou]

Dick Van Dyke - After Rob trips over the ottoman again, Laura gets rid of it and the chair and buys a La-Z-Boy

ER - Greene is so miserable from undergoing chemotherapy that Weaver takes pity on him and does him in the suture room.

Friends - the one where they get so wasted they stumble into a different part of the Village and actually interact with black people.

Law & Order - after chasing lead after lead, the detectives say to hell with it, and the case is unsolved.

Everybody Loves Raymond - Debra and Robert snap, kill the rest of the family and go on a seven-state crime spree before being gunned down by the police in a hail of bullets.

60 Minutes - "We're running late, so there's no time for Andy Rooney. Goodnight."

The Today Show - Katie Couric wakes up grumpy and Matt Lauer has a GOOD hair day.

[photopat]

The one where Mulder walks into the office and says, "Hey Scully, I was just kidding. I don't believe any of that shit. I just wanted to play with your head."

The one where Angela Lansbury doesn't have a clue and the sheriff solves the crime on his own.

The one where Matlock buys a new suit!

[Swede Hollow]

Originally posted by photopat
The one where Major Nelson says, "You know Jeannie, let's just go crazy. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that navel."

The one where Darren says "You know Sam, use your powers. I'm tired of shlepping into the city everyday. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that nose twitch for real." Wouldn't these lead to a My Mother The Car sequel?

How about The Dick Van Dyke Show where Rob sues the ottoman manufacturer and he and Laura move to a Caribean paradise.

[photopat]

Originally posted by Swede Hollow
Wouldn't these lead to a My Mother The Car sequel?

How about The Dick Van Dyke Show where Rob sues the ottoman manufacturer and he and Laura move to a Caribean paradise.

Ouch. Rimshot. But seriously folks. Swede will be here all week. Try the veal and don't forget to tip the waitress, but don't tip her too far, or she'll lose her balance.


Oh, yeah.

The one where they send Dr. Smith out the airlock without a spacesuit.

[Scarlett67]

Originally posted by zev_steinhardt
Fred & Barney & Wilma & Betty meet Ralph & Norton & Alice and Trixie.

Fred & Barney & Wilma & Betty meet Ralph & Norton & Alice and Trixie meet Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.

[racer72]

Another episode of MASH.

Hawkeye is charged with disrespect of a superior officer and is found guilty.
B.J. gets a letter from his wife saying she wants a divorce, she fell for the gutter salesman.
Klinger gets his section 8.
Hotlips picks up a case of VD from an old friend.
and finally
Potter suffers a fatal heart attack while getting his first hummer from Rosie.

[JThunder]

"Well, we've been on this island for a long time now, so... Gimme a smooch, little buddy?"

[JThunder]

"Perhaps we would have more power if Engineer Scott connected your mouth to a generator, Doctor."

[Bryan Ekers]

The Coyote settles down to a meal of roast Roadrunner.

[Bryan Ekers]

The Coyote settles down to a meal of roast Roadrunner.

Shocking twist: he finds out he's deathly allergic to it.

[AtomicDog]

The last episode of "The Time Tunnel":

Doug and Tony finally step out of that damn Tunnel, uproarious cheers break out among the Tunnel staff, and while the camera pulls back to an overhead shot, D&T are gladhanded by Gen. Kirk and they both hug Dr. Ann McGregor while the complex fills with more and more people... fade to black.


Dang it, Irwin Allen! How much trouble would it have been to film that scene?

[Hoops]

The Beatles accept Lorne Michaels' offer to reunite (for $3000) on SNL on 4/24/76.

[Genseric]

The Hogan Family and the 5 Megaton airburst.

--

"Crikey! That's one ugly son-of-a-bitch, I'm not goin' near 'im!"

--

Cheers needed a few drunken brawls here and there.

--

"Hi. I'm David Hasslehoff. I will no longer be appearing on Baywatch, as the entire hour will now feature the girls running down the beach in slow-motion. Enjoy."

[Michael Ellis]

Originally posted by zev_steinhardt
The Prisoner wakes up to find out that he's Bob Newhart's patient.

:D

[Annie-Xmas]

Originally posted by Hoops
The Beatles accept Lorne Michaels' offer to reunite (for $3000) on SNL on 4/24/76.

Crap! My first thought on reading this was "Well, they only get $1500 now."

Since I'm offending people anyway, I'll mention I've written a Simpsons script where Cecil & Bob Terwilliger have an appoinment in the World Trade Center at 9:00 on 9/11. They are outside the building when the first plane hits, and Bob goes into a tirade as only he can. Well, I think it's good, and also fitting cause Fraiser creater David Angell was on that plane.

I also want to see a Fraiser where Martin is watching the Simpsons with Cecil & Bob in it. Have Niles say "You know, you're right. If anyone asks, I'll lie" the same time as Cecil.

[Oblong]

The Sopranos-Meadow, after having a huge fight with her dad, gets back at him by auditioning at The Bada Bing and then sleeping with his Russian girlfriend.

[Zebra]

Marsha wakes up to find Jan sitting on her chest holding a kitchen knife to her throat.

Lassie goes to get help but has to stop and pee on every tree on the way.


Gentle Ben eats the little boy.

Ralph and Potsie testify against Richie in the Un-American Activities hearings.

They realize that eight is way too much so a lion escapes from to zoo to do a thinning of the herd.


Julie, Issac and Gopher threesome.

Sombody goes to Fantasy Island with the fantasy of having sex with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and it works exactly how the guy imagined it.

Jo (facts of life) takes a long hot shower.

Zebra goes on Millionaire and wins.

[KneadToKnow]

Originally posted by Oblong
The Sopranos-Meadow, after having a huge fight with her dad, gets back at him by auditioning at The Bada Bing and then sleeping with his Russian girlfriend.
Woohoo! Pay-per-view!

[pesch]

Originally posted by Hoops
The Beatles accept Lorne Michaels' offer to reunite (for $3000) on SNL on 4/24/76.

That sooooo almost happened. Paul McCartney said in an interview and John was in town that night, and when they saw the offer, John said, "Let's do it!"

They changed their minds while trying to find a taxi. Saturday night in New York, you know.

[whitetho]

In St. Elsewhere, there was a cranky character named Mrs. Hufnagle who appeared fairly regularly over a couple of seasons, until the character died at the hospital. In a later show, Dr. Fiscus goes to "heaven", where he meets a number former patients who had died at St. Eligius, and aren't real happy about it. Mrs. Hufnagle would have been the perfect character to be included in this episode, unfortunately the actress who played her, Florance Halop, died in real life before the show was made.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Sanford & Son: Fred ACTUALLY has "the big one" when he finds out Elizabeth isn't dead, but has been shacking up with Grady.

[dinahmoe]

"Screw these happy little trees, let's paint some boobies!!"

[kaylasdad99]

The Mr. Coffee commercial, where Joe DiMaggio drains his coffee cup and shows us the bottom, entirely free of coffee grounds. Then the camera pans up to his grinning puss, with coffee grounds stuck in between all of his teeth.

[Atreyu]

Emeril Lagasse suffers a very unfortunate mishap when tries to operate a food processor while BAMMING some essence into the mix at the same time.

[elfkin477]

The episode of Survivor in which the entire cast is mauled by wolves.

The episode of er in which Carter begins dating a woman who isn't crazy, dealing with debilitating personal problems, or murdered by a patient.

The episode of The X-Files in which Skinner and Kresh accept the reports and tell the agents they did a good job.

The episode of TRL in which they play all the videos from start to finish and without interupting them so people can say how cute the guys from N'Sync are.

[PunditLisa]

The episode of Buffy when Angel discovers Spike in bed with Buffy and Spike and Angel duke it out. Without shirts on.

The episode on the Love Boat where the ship hits an iceberg and the entire crew goes down with the ship.

That one episode on Party of Five where Julia and Charlie laugh the whole time.

[zev_steinhardt]

Originally posted by dinahmoe
"Screw these happy little trees, let's paint some boobies!!"

:D :D This one had me cracking up for several minutes. Thanks, dinahmoe!

Zev Steinhardt

[capacitor]

Originally posted by PunditLisa
The episode of Buffy when Angel discovers Spike in bed with Buffy and Spike and Angel duke it out. Without shirts on.



It just might happen.

[t-keela]

The bout where "the Rock" especially or any "pro-wrestler" REALLY gets their head bashed in w/ a steel chair!

WHAM...get your ass up now..:p

[Kaitlyn]

The Fraiser where Martin reveals that years before, he was kicked off the force for taking bribes, and had actually been making ends meet writing radio jingles.

The Cheers that shows Fraiser using black magic to resurrect his dead mother so that she can meet his fiancee Diane, and finds out that she's aged 20 years since her death.

[t-keela]

Frasier's mother was on Cheer's and threatened to kill Diane herself.

[Ranchoth]

Eliza and Goliath: The wedding.

['Shippers of all camps, just add your own names to the sentance above to suit your own tastes. Harley Quinn & Poison Ivy, Egon & Jeanine, Bert & Ernie, whichever.]

The Bugs Bunny version of Carmina Burana.

Gumby walks into a copy of Paradise Lost or Flight of the Intruder.

The episode of Dr. Quinn where she decides to just let the abusive townspeople die.

The episode of Friends where Monica starts taking Anafranil.

The He-Man series finale where Skeletor conquers Eternia, executes the former ruling class, and ushers in a glorious new age of industry and civic expansion.

Any "serious" anime series that ends with the heroes triumphing, and starting a massive celebration with the song "Any Way You Want It" blaring in the background.

[Kaitlyn]

Originally posted by t-keela
Frasier's mother was on Cheer's and threatened to kill Diane herself.

This is, indeed, the episode to which I was referring, and in which my hypothetical scene would have ocurred. Your point is?

[Genseric]

News anchor:"The signal is coming through clearly, these images are being transmitted live from the surface of Mars. Of course when we say "live" remember that the radio waves transmitting the signal Earth left Mars several minutes ago, and are only just now arriving. All right, it looks like he's about to step out of the hatchway. In just a few moments we'll be hearing the first words spoken from the planet Mars. There he is. Let's listen in."

Astronaut:"Ok, I'm going to step off the platform now." [Steps onto the surface of Mars] "Pepsi, it's the choice of a New Generation."

[t-keela]

Originally posted by Number Six

The Cheers that shows Fraiser using black magic to resurrect his dead mother so that she can meet his fiancee Diane, and finds out that she's aged 20 years since her death. [/B]

t-k "Frasier's mother was on Cheer's and threatened to kill Diane herself."

#6 "This is, indeed, the episode to which I was referring, and in which my hypothetical scene would have ocurred. Your point is?"

Hey #6, don't mind me, it's late and your logic just went by me...my bad! :confused:

[t-keela]

The episode of "Little House", where the town people get together and stone Harriet Oleson.

[LurkMeister]

Originally posted by dinahmoe
"Screw these happy little trees, let's paint some boobies!!"
I almost inhaled a macadamia nut when I read this. :eek:

Archie Bunker finds out that his family name used to be Rabbinowitz, and that his great-grandmother was black.

[t-keela]

ooops! Sorry Jeff, she coulda been your ggrandma or something. Sorry:D

[GIGObuster]

Originally posted by dinahmoe
"Screw these happy little trees, let's paint some boobies!!"
Oh my fluffy clouds! :D It took me awhile to figure out this was a reference to the Bob Ross’ Joy of painting TV show!
http://bobross.com/
I am getting a cold, too slow now.

[neofishboy]

The procession through the jungle is solemn, and little is heard but stifled sobs and the whispered crush of grass underfoot. Six walk beneath the trees’ canopy carrying upon their shoulders a seventh, lashed to a plank. The Sailor struggles weakly against his bonds then again lies still.

There had been another Incident. Another Accident. Another Failure. A decision long overdue had been made. A vote had been taken ... and now his friends were taking him down to the beach to die.

Upon reaching the lagoon, they lay the plank on the sand and step away, forming a semi-circle opening on the water. Gagged, the Sailor can do little but plead with his eyes, though none will meet his gaze. He slowly scans the circle ... his friends ...his Captain, the Industrialist and his wife, the Actress...and the rest.

It is a long time before anyone moves. Finally, the Scientist steps forward. The filleting knife in his hand catches the sun for an instant . He kneels by the Sailor and starts to speak in a voice raw and trembling...

“Gilligan, I....”

...but he is overcome and, dropping the knife, falls to the sand as if in veneration, weeping violently into his hands. Soon a large shadow looms over him and a beefy, calloused hand rests itself firmly on his shoulder.

“It’s all right, Roy. It should be me anyway....”

Reaching down, the Captain helps the Scientist to his feet and kneels in his place. He picks up the knife and places the blade under the Sailor’s chin.

“We’ve had quite a run, haven’t we little buddy?” He says and tries to smile. A single tear paints a copper trail through the dust and dried salt on his cheek.

It is over in an instant. A swift movement, a soft gurgle, and then just the sound of a three-hundred pound man howling his anguish to the sky.

Soon, they lift the plank from the sand and walk it down to the water. It floats slowly from sight as the Captain, in his rich baritone, sings an old seaman’s song of duty, love and death.

One by one, they walk back to their huts where they begin to pack for the inevitable rescue which, as it happens, comes the following day.

[Love Rhombus]

The episode of Star Trek where Spock kicks someone in the nuts, and then explains the logic behind it.

The episode of either RAW or Smackdown! where a wrestler is seen either reading Stephen Hawking or engaged in a deep philosphical conversation. It's not that I don't think wrestlers are smart, I just think this would be damn funny.

[Don Draper]

The "Touched by an Angel" ep in which Della Reese reveals that the oft-mentioned big man upstairs is Allah. Della, Roma Downey and Valerie Bertinelli are tortured for appearing to mortals without wearing their burqhas; and finally Roma and Valerie, as well as 70 other Angels, must serve as concubines to recently deceased terrorists.

The "Will & Grace" episode in which Will realizes "comes out" as a straight man and confesses that he loves Grace. Karen gets bawled out for being a drunken bitch and for her racist treatment of her maid, and Jack gets bawled out for being acting like such a stereotypical mincing pansy homo.

The "Friends" episode in which someone suggests they all might not be so neurotic and high-strung if they didn't sit around at Central Perk drinking a gazilllion cups of coffee every day.

The "Lifetime Channel Movie of the Week" in which the main character has a dilemma that is not caused by a threatening, mysogynist boyfriend/husband/boss/stalker

[middleman]

"The "Friends" episode in which someone suggests they all might not be so neurotic and high-strung if they didn't sit around at Central Perk drinking a gazilllion cups of coffee every day. "

Joey suggested this one time in a funny scene.

[Ranchoth]

Neofishboy, I think that's the best thing I've read in weeks. Though it was helped in no small part by the fact that "The Minstrel Boy" from my Black Hawk Down soundtrack started playing when I was reading it.

Kudos!

[Lute Skywatcher]

Originally posted by Swede Hollow Originally posted by photopat
The one where Major Nelson says, "You know Jeannie, let's just go crazy. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that navel."

The one where Darren says "You know Sam, use your powers. I'm tired of shlepping into the city everyday. Make me a Rolls and get in the back. I wanna see that nose twitch for real.Wouldn't these lead to a My Mother The Car sequel?NBC to Produce Real-Life "My Mother, The Car" (http://www.hollywoodpulse.com/story3.html)
On the heels of CBS's announcement to produce a reality series revival of "The Beverly Hillbillies" and Fox's to make a real-life version of "Green Acres," NBC has revealed its intent to construct a reality edition of the 1960's classic "My Mother, The Car" that will find a real-life mother living underneath the hood of a 1977 Buick Le Sabre.
As the series is being described, it will feature David Templeton -- a 37-year-old bachelor in Skokie, Illinois -- and his 61-year-old widowed mother, Delores. The Buick is being outfitted with a special "living tomb" in between the engine and carburetor to allow Mrs. Templeton to be positioned in relative comfort 24 hours a day. She will speak to her son through a personal megafone attached to her lapel.

[dinahmoe]

Aw... you guys are making me blush:)

I also would like to have seen Lady Aberlin haul off and smack that Lady Elaine bitch right off her Museum-go-Round. Anarchy in the land of Make-Believe!