Boyfriend ranting

[Captain Blunty]

For the past few weeks, my boyfriend has been doing boxing training. That's all well and good, and I have been supportive for the duration.

Until today.

I had a job interview today and scored the job of my dreams (yay!) but when I phoned my boyfriend up all excited, the only reply was a grunt, and then he went into a long spiel about his training that day. As you can imagine I started foaming at the mouth and babbling incoherently into the phone before I slammed the reciever down.

I feel hurt because I have supported him through this and also encouraged him with it, ( and plenty of other things,) but when something good happens to me he is too preoccupied with his own shit to even acknowledge it. A "Congratulations, now you don't have to gut fish for a living" would have sufficed.

I don't want to be a whining and difficult girlfriend but I would like some support and a little interest from him about my activities. It's not like scoring the job of your dreams is a little thing. I understand how important his training is to him, and I am happy he is doing something that makes him so excited, but why can't he understand and acknowledge that there are things in my life that are important too?

Am I being an unreasonable bitch?

[Tansu]

Sit him down and explain very very carefully and very very slowly a) why the new job is important to you, b) why it's polite and sensible for him to acknowledge things that are important to you, and c) why this should be FUCKING OBVIOUS to any SANE ADULT for FUCK's SAKE.

Sometimes you have to spell it out for people. It's more likely to succeed than just banging the phone down.

Alternatively, bin him, get a new one.

[Spit]

I don't know about your guy, but I'm pretty laid back. I could win the lottery, and all I would really want from my female of interest would be a "Cool!". Thus, I would give the same response if she were to have some great, life-changing event. (The only exception being if a child were born, in which case I might get the sniffles, then shout it from the rooftops)

Or, as stated before, ditch him, and invest in a new one.

[Dogzilla]

Last year I dumped a guy for this very action.

I was stuck in Montana during the week of Sept. 11. 4,000 miles away from home and no way to get home until the airlines opened up again. When I finally did make it home, every single person I know who cares about me had tried to contact me to make sure I got home okay. Except the one guy I was dating.

I very carefully explained to him that I was through with him because he was so wound up in his own issues and life that he clearly didn't have time to pay any attention at all to a girlfriend. I told him he didn't have any business having a girlfriend until he learns to be compassionate and considerate of the people he claims to care about.

IMHO, guys like this are merely inconsiderate and perhaps a bit emotionally immature.

[White Lightning]

Unless he has already built up a history of being unsupportive and/or self-absorbed, I'd argue that this one occurence means absolutely nothing. It's real easy to have something on your mind that clouds your judgement and makes you come off as a jerk when you don't normally behave that way.

[LolaCocaCola]

Dump the zero and get with the hero.

*two snaps*

[happyheathen]

if the dude is over 25, move on.

the "I have feelings too" speech should not be necessary.

IMHO

[Troy McClure SF]

Originally posted by Tansu
Sit him down and explain very very carefully and very very slowly a) why the new job is important to you, b) why it's polite and sensible for him to acknowledge things that are important to you, and c) why this should be FUCKING OBVIOUS to any SANE ADULT for FUCK's SAKE.

Um... yeah... what s/he said. Unlkess there's more to this story, that's pretty shitty treatment.

[Silentgoldfish]

Originally posted by LolaCocaCola
Dump the zero and get with the hero.

*two snaps*

*groaannnnn*







:)

[ninevah]

I'd be witholding the sex until I got a little more enthusiasm from him if I were you!

[Tansu]

Well, if underhanded attempts at manipulation and passive-aggressive dishonesty are your thing, sure, withhold sex and hope he guesses why.

[Typo Negative]

He should have know (because I assume you told him) that this was important to you.

Even a casual friend, even a guy friend of his, was worth more of a reaction than he gave.

[blowero]

No, you're not being unreasonable. If this is a big and recurring problem, maybe the 2 of you weren't meant to be together. If the guy is really that self-centered, I doubt you're going to be able to change him. He's either interested in your life, or he's not - it's not like training a dog. Of course, if it's only happened once, I think it would be kind of rash to dump him.

So what job did you get?

[blowero]

Originally posted by Tansu
Well, if underhanded attempts at manipulation and passive-aggressive dishonesty are your thing, sure, withhold sex and hope he guesses why.
:D
And be sure to consult the Bible of passive-aggressive behavior: "The Rules".

[Captain Blunty]

I got a job as a receptionist in the main office of my favorite shopping chain, in case anyone was wondering. ( pretty lame for a dream job, I know!)

And btw, I haven't called the bastard since the incident, and he has left about a million voicemails begging to know what's wrong. Nice, hey?

[Shakes]

Grr. this makes my blood boil when I see chicks get with guys like this. Please make my day and tell me you got rid of this punk.


Oh, i guess Should say if this is a one time occurance than let it go. But the cynicism in me tells me its not. My sister used to go out with guys like this and it was all I could do not to kick their ass. Thank god she finally got some sense into her head and hooked up with a good beau.

[Simetra]

Originally posted by MusicMistress
And btw, I haven't called the bastard since the incident, and he has left about a million voicemails begging to know what's wrong. Nice, hey?

Oh yes... how kind of you. Treat him with the same disinterest he treated you with... that'll teach 'im. That's the mature way to go about it.

See, we're missing a couple things here. Is this a recurring thing with him? If not, then maybe, just maybe, he was caught up in his own stuff and failed to actually understand the importance of your news. Which, by your own admission, is "pretty lame for a dream job". If you're gonna assume that all of us will think it pretty lame, why not assume that he will too?

You know what, it happens. Every now and again we all get all caught up in our own little worlds and we miss stuff. Anyone here that says they haven't is a fucking liar.

If this isn't something that happens often, or even every now and again with the guy, cut him some slack. Or at least return his call and tell him why you're upset. Try discussing it like rational human beings instead of being whiney little children.

[Manda JO]

What Simetra said: you two are adults, handle thing like adults.

If this is a one-time thing, talk to him about it, tryand resolve the situation, give him a chance to apologize--after you apologize for ignoring him for two days nad not telling him why.

If this is a pattern, dump him, not becasue he did anything wrong, but because you are not compatable--if he always reacts like this, it means that he dosen't see emotional support and interest in each other's lives as beinga crucial aspect of relationships. Again, there is nothing wrong with that--I know plenty of well adjusted people who are like that--but it means that he is not compatable with you. This is no different than if he felt like eating Italian food together was a critical aspect of a relationship and you couldn't stand tomato sauce.

Last, drop the whole "I did it for you" spiel. Doing things for people is a gift and the point of a gift is that there is no strings attached. If you tell him "I do it for you, so you have to do it for me", all you are going to get is a boyfriend who won't let you do anything for him out of fear that he is going to be nagged into paying you back--so he will hide the stuff going on in his life instead of risking having you support him.

[kabbes]

In addition to the already more-than-adequate posts made by Simetra and White Lightning, I want to point out that support - and indeed everything else in a relationship - does not operate on some kind of scoring system. The fact that you supported his boxing should not be relevant to this issue. Nor should be the fact that you did the washing-up or drove him to the station that time. He should support you because he wants to, not because he is beholden to you. And vice versa, of course.

Other than that, he may have:

a) been in the middle of thinking about something else and hence not quite been in the mental state needed to talk to you right then. Phone calls come at very inappropriate times sometimes.

b) not realised how important this was to you.

c) simply have reactions that aren't always quite as vociferous as you'd like. This doesn't mean that inside he doesn't care. Words are cheap anyway - support means action not words.

d) a myriad other reasons why he didn't react as you wished.

I don't know his side of the story. I only know yours. And from what you have presented of yours, I'm not impressed. Refusing to return phone calls and crowing about the fact on a message board impresses nobody. Either talk to him and explain what is wrong or move on to somebody else. Right now, you're simply conforming to every negative stereotype a man every had about a woman, which does nobody any favours.

pan

[kabbes]

Once again it seems that Manda and I are operating from a very similar place. And once again she gets there first. But I'm catching up. Just 9 minutes behind this time.

I just can't believe it took me 9 minutes to read this thread and construct my sorry attempt at a post.

pan

[Hamadryad]

And how would we react if we'd seen this?

"...I've left a billion voice mails trying to find out what the hell I did wrong, and she won't even return my calls. Nice, hey?"

Dump him. Apparently, he deserves better.

[El Elvis Rojo]

Congratulations on the new job!

See, you get that from a complete stranger. One should always be supportive of their friends's successes, and especially of those of their significant other. You are not being an unreasonable bitch. You accomplished something great, you should go out and celebrate, not sit there being pissed. So go celebrate without him, have yourself a grand time, and treat those who do recognize your accomplishments to a nice meal (you could just send me five bucks for mine, unless you'd like to visit Austin, I don't mind either way :) ).

One thing though: If you do stay angry with him, and he asks "Why are you being such a bitch?" LET HIM KNOW!!!! Don't pull one of these "I don't want to talk about it," or "Like you don't know" kind of things. As has been said, people need it spelled out for them sometimes, and if he's too clueless to offer up a "Congratulations," then he won't understand why you're angry. So tell him why you're angry, tell him you're dissapointed he didn't share in your enthusiasm and joy, and make him make it up to you in a very big way (making him wear a French Maid's uniform while you take photographs would be a good way, I think).

Once again, congratulations.

[Tansu]

Ah.. It appears that underhanded attempts at manipulation and passive-aggressive dishonesty are indeed your thing.

[TeaElle]

Before pulling out the manipulative and passive aggressive branding irons for MusicMistress, can we consider that perhaps she hasn't called him since the incident because she was trying to get enough distance from her initial hurt/disappointment/anger/resentment to allow her to deal with him in a mature way? This happened on Monday. It's now Wednesday. This isn't that big a thing. Geez.

[White Lightning]

'Sorry attempt' nothing, pal. You're completely on point. MusicMistress, I'm glad you came back and gloated about how poorly you're treating your man, because I was starting to feel a little lonely being the only one sticking up for the guy!


This is actually just another of my 'me too' posts where these posters are concerned. At least this one is a three-fer: Manda JO, Kabbes, and Hamadryad are all totally right here. Booya!


tlw, she openly admitted that she's doing it to get back at him! And that she knows it's cruel! What more do you want, man??

[Dr. Lao]

She's so upset that she can't let him know she's upset? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

[voguevixen]

I don't entirely understand what the problem is. You told a guy something and he started talking about himself. Is this honestly your first experience with something of this nature? Now he's asking you what's wrong and you're giving him the silent treatment (ohhh BURN!) I suppose he's not invited to your slumber party now either. :rolleyes: You're taking a situation that wasn't very bad to begin with and making it 100x worse.

[Captain Blunty]

No, i'm not trying to be manipulative and I am not just trying to be cruel. I'm trying to sort out my own feelings before I call him, otherwise it will just start an argument. In my opinion that would be a million times worse than ignoring his phone calls for a few days.

For those who have asked, this isn't the first time this has happened, but it is only been a regular occurance in the past few weeks. I did ignore it the first few times, thinking it was no big deal, but I blew up on Monday because I had reached the end of my rope.

I do plan to phone him tonight and talk.

[TeaElle]

Originally posted by White Lightning
tlw, she openly admitted that she's doing it to get back at him! And that she knows it's cruel! What more do you want, man??

First of all, I am not now nor have I ever been a man, and even if I were you don't know me well enough to address me that informally.

Second of all, MusicMistress openly admitted no such thing. She said "I haven't called the bastard back since the incident." That's all, nothing else. What thread are you reading? If I weren't well aware that it would be a useless pursuit, I'd suggest that you owe her an apology for attempting to put negative words in her mouth.

[kabbes]

Er, tlw, you left this bit out:
...and he has left about a million voicemails begging to know what's wrong. Nice, hey?

What way of reading that do you have other than using the silence as a weapon?

pan

[Tansu]

Originally posted by MusicMistress
No, i'm not trying to be manipulative and I am not just trying to be cruel. I'm trying to sort out my own feelings before I call him, otherwise it will just start an argument. In my opinion that would be a million times worse than ignoring his phone calls for a few days.

I think this is the nub of your problem here. Avoiding direct conflict leads one to use silence as a weapon.

A more efficient way to resolve differences is to be open and honest about one's needs. The word "argument" can mean "constructive negotiation" as well as "scream-fest", you know. It is possible to explain your needs and express a degree of dissatisfaction or annoyance without yelling at each other. Try it. You might like it.

[Hamadryad]

"First of all, I am not now nor have I ever been a man, and even if I were you don't know me well enough to address me that informally."

<utterly OT> Get over yourself..."man" has been used informally in that sense with men AND women for years. And if the pit is anything it's informal, duuuuuuuude.
</UOT>

[White Lightning]

Well, I guess my brown-nosing got me somewhere, because kabbes and Hamadryad covered pretty much what I had to say to you, tlw. Sorry if I offended you with my informality. I'll be sure and remember not to address you again.

'If I weren't well aware that it would be a useless pursuit, I'd suggest that you owe her an apology for attempting to put negative words in her mouth.'
Speaking of passive aggressive... If you have something to suggest, suggest it. I don't owe MusicMistress an apology, neither did I attempt to put any kind of words in her mouth. I interpreted what I thought was a pretty clear post on her part, in a way that apparently differed from the way you did. I don't owe her an apology for interpreting her post any more than you do.

Also, if I don't know you well enough to address you as informally as with a rhetorical 'man,' you sure don't know me well enough to be 'well aware' of anything about my character. So you can take your snap judgements and stow 'em.