Maddening things our parents said

[dougie_monty]

Doesn't everyone remember some of these? Probably, parents say them so much because they had these sayings drilled into them during their own childhood.
"What am I going to do with you?"
"Hold your horses!"
"Don't let your mother know I told you this story."
"Because I said so!"
"Do you think that maybe you can [naming some chore]?"
"...or not!"
"I'm not talking about that!" (Changing the subject on you, to keep you off balance.)

[Ringo]

"If you want to keep your job as little boy around this house...."

[EnigmaOne]

After the fashion of Craig Shoemaker ("Comeon Baby, walk nasty for the LoveMaster!"), my Mom used to say, "How would you like a spanking?"

"Gee Mom, I'd rather go to the movies if you don't mind."

She slapped me so hard that she actually broke some of my facial veins....I looked like I'd been hit by a truck.

I got back by answering those "What the hell happened to you?" questions honestly: "My Mom hit me."

------------------


--Kalél
(The Original EnigmaOne)
Common ¢ for all ages.

[The LoveMaster]

"Comeon Baby, walk nasty for the LoveMaster!"
-----------------------------

Watch it! That's MY line!

[aseymayo]

"Were you born in a barn?"

Don't ask me, I don't remember a thing about it.

"Stop crying, or I'll really give you something to cry about!"

Huh?

[Pooch]

Go get the belt. (wonderful memory of my sister bringing back a tie)

Wait till your father gets home. (the big chill)

Is that right? (thick scorn and sarcasm from my father...the bastard)

[MrKnowItAll]

"Honey? It's time to get up."

Brrrrrrr...

[Kat]

My father used to say (to my sisters) "As long as you live in this house..." He never said it to me, though, possibly because he knew what my reaction to THAT comment would be.

[Persephone]

"How many times do I have to tell you..." as if she was looking for a real number.

Maddening thing my mother did NOT say, but my grandmother did:
"There are starving children in China..."
My mom tells me that she once...ONCE...told my grandmother to send her food to those starving kids. My mom says she remembers nothing after that...

[dawnbird]

My favorites,

"Intelligent children are never bored, they can always find something to do." followed an hour later by "What do you think you are doing?" (Don't answer truthfully, it will cause mom to ask "Why?" and "I was bored." is not a valid answer. Cringe in an attempt to convey shame and say "I don't know.")

"Go look it up." followed two minutes later by "How many times have I told you not to climb on the bookcase?" (Again, do not answer; cringe.)



------------------
possibly the world's only naive cynic

[dougie_monty]

To Pooch: That sounds like Bill Cosby's bit about some kid's dad saying "Go get me something to beat you with!" He added, "If my old man ever said that to me I'd tear the corner off a piece of paper..." ;)

[Lissa]

Its not so much what my parents said, but how they said it. My family has a strong Southern Ohio accent. Sort of twangy and southern, and the words "dish" and "fish" are pronounced "deesh" and "feesh."

I've worked hard to rid myself of that accent, but it's hard when I still live in the region. After a long phone conversation, or a visit, my husband says my accent comes back full force.

[Byzantine]

My favorite was when we were on vacation (seven of us crammed into the station wagon) and we kids would start fighting (yeah, 20 hours in a car will get you going EVERY time) and my dad would bellow:

If you don't stop it right now I'm going to turn around and go home!

I always thought he meant he'd drop us off out in the middle of no where and go home by himself! I always wanted him to since he was the grumpy guy!

Thankfully, I've forgotten most of the direct quotes. But this strikes me as funny: when I was a teenager, my parents bitched because they couldn't understand the lyrics of my music....today's parents bitch because they CAN understand them.

[Troy McClure SF]

"Well, we don't have that much money, so you're gonna have to go to college here and live at home."
OhForTheLoveOfGodNOOOOOO!

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--
JMcC from SFCA
http://members.tripod.com/~weirdstuff/index.html

[Jvanhorn]

How many of you have children of your own, that you have said these same things to them?

I have found that it's pretty easy to be a critic of my parents at 18, and a little harder at 43.

18 year old daughter graduated HS this spring, moved into her own apartment 1 week later. Comes by once in a while with a new tatoo to show us.

If anybody else out there knows how it feels, let me know.

[AzRaek]

"why can't you apply yourself (to schoolwork)? Ummm, there's not a big enough brush?

[Andy]

When bored as a child a, I would confront my mother with this simple fact to which she would invariably reply "well go for a walk then".....strangely, it never seemed a exciting option than complaining

[Shirley Ujest]

"No man will marry you if you don't learn to cook." (no, marry a man that can cook.)

"I've learned something in my X number of years on this earth."

"One day when you grow up you will understand and worry like I do." (No, I won't and I am not.)

" Just wait until you grow up...ah ha ha!"

"You're not that sick. You can go to school."

And the perennial favorite at the Ujest family home: " You ought to consider yourself lucky to be Catholic, not everyone is so lucky." ( Oh, I'm feelin' real lucky..)

[Dirty Devil]

My mom used to say, "You bet your bippy." I've always wondered what my bippy was, and why in the world my mom wanted me to bet it.

[dougie_monty]

To Dirty Devil: Your Mom must have been a fan of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, a rather unusual comedy show in the late 1960s. A "bippy" could mean some rather private part of the anatomy, or it could mean a daisy-like figure with rounded petals, about 5 or 6 or 7 of them.
Other phrases from Laugh-In:
"Sock It To Me!" (even Richard Nixon appeared on the show and said it. He was president then!)
"Look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls!"
"Walnettos!"
"Well, Ring My Chimes!"
"Verry Interrestink!" (spoken by Arte Johnson, peeking out from behind a bush and dressed as a German field lieutenant.)

[The Ryan]

One word: "Why?" No matter what I did (or didn't do), my mother would demand an explanation, and would never be satisfied by the ones that I gave. It's like having a three-year-old. For two decades. Yeesh.
Anothe annoying saying: "You're lucky I love you". In other words, there's no way anyone would put up with you unless they really love you.

------------------
-Ryan
" 'Ideas on Earth were badges of friendship or enmity. Their content did not matter.' " -Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

[StStella]

My mom's favorite line when she was mad at me....."I hope you have one JUST like you" After six years of marriage, I still have no kids.

[Sassy]

"I'll kill one of you as an example to the rest!"

She had six kids and I guess she figured she could spare one...

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The reason gentlemen prefer blondes is that there are not enough redheads to go around.

[AWB]

[list] "I am just sick and tired..."
"Clean up this room."
anything preceded by my full name
"Who drank all the gin?" urp

[dougie_monty]

It wasn't maddening to me, but I have known a few polylingual mothers--mostly yard customers of mine--who would speak in Thai or Armenian or Spanish, etc., when they meant business. (Actually, if I had kids, I would want a wife who would speak the same foreign language(s) I do, and for the same reason my customers did. But I sure know that these mothers' kids must have reeled when their mothers spoke to them in a language other than English.)

[Fretful Porpentine]

I can't believe nobody has mentioned this one yet:

"You're going to poke your eye out with that thing!" (Has this EVER actually happened?)

"That glass is too close to the edge of the table." (When it's six inches away.)

"You don't REALLY hate [school / raisins / your brother / whatever]. You're just saying that to get a rise out of me."

"I'm cold. Put on your jacket."

[AuraSeer]

When I was little, I remember my mom telling me to put down the wooden dowel I was playing with, or I'd poke my eye out. Mere moments later, I managed to scratch my cornea with it. Didn't cause any permanent damage, but I did have to wear an eyepatch for a while. An older cousin tells me that I looked like the world's only five-year-old pirate.

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I'm not a warlock. I'm a witch with a Y chromosome.

[dougie_monty]

Sometimes it isn't so much what is said as the little verbal traps that your parents set for you.
For example:
Parent: "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
You (innocently) "No, why?"
Parent (voice getting angry): "Because I want to know when the hell you are going to clean up the garage like I told you to do two weeks ago?!!"
See what I mean? :(

[eden]

My favorite was: "I'll have you stuffed!" (Referring to taxidermy.)

Or this kind of exchange:
Me: I'm bored.
Mom: Well, you can clean the screens, hang out the laundry, clean up your room, sweep the porch, rake the leaves...(ad infinitum)

[dougie_monty]

I agree, Eden. I have suffered this too. And it's usually said in the most irritating, repetitive singsong voice.....Aughhhhhhhh!!!!!

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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[dougie_monty]

I agree, Eden. I have suffered this too. And it's usually said in the most irritating, repetitive singsong voice.....Aughhhhhhhh!!!!!

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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[eden]

*giggle*
Speaking of repetitive...sorry to make light of your itchy trigger finger ;-

But yes, absolutely. The worst part was that once mom figured out I was underemployed, she'd make sure I did at least two of the chores she suggested.

I have a co-worker who at an early age had to do all the family's laundry. He and his brother would have to carry the family's clothes to the laundry room (they lived in an apartment) and sit and wait, then fold and carry it all back...in Florida, this is pretty hot work. So they asked their dad for extra change for Cokes. He refused, and they henceforth crammed the four loads' worth into one or two, and used the remaining chance for two Cokes each!

[dougie_monty]

Touché!

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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[Jodi]

I also will testify that in our house saying "I'm bored" got you put to work, and pronto. I'll do the exact same thing to my kids, if I ever have any. :)

My mom used to say "Life isn't fair." That bugged the heck out of me. I felt (and feel) that life should damn well be as fair as we can make it, and I found "life isn't fair" to be cold comfort in the face of some enormous childhood injustice.

[dougie_monty]

Sometimes it's worse than maddening. It's bad enough when your father strikes you with his hand or a belt or a switch--the pain from that doesn't last long. But when your mother bawls you out and then she starts to cry--that hurts worse than a belt! :( [tearing up]

[Heath Doolin]

My mom was the master of the ultra switch...still is. You would be arguing say about her nagging. I would counter with a valid point and then she would pull the ultra switch...and I quote. "FINE I will just not speak at all then!!!!" Which is not exactly what you want her to say since she would continue on.

She also would do what my brother and I called the radar nag. She would end the arguement, everyone would be happy and I would be leaving. Just as yo got out of earshot, she would drop a nag in to get the last word. Now you cannot go back and accuse her of a nag because she will either get innocent or get mad again. I would shake because she could do it perfectly each time!!!

With m dad, it was if the full name was used...run like hell. I remember my dad chasing both my brother and I because he demanded that we come and get a spanking. My brother, in his infinite wisdom told him that he had to catch us first. We ran for 6 blocks with my dad waving a switch and cursing like a sailor. Oh yea, he caught us but was too tired to really let us have it.

He got mom to do it...Ouch

[eden]

Oh, how about this one?

In the northwoods cabin, I put my fishing pole down on a bed. "Don't put that there," my mom shrieks, "Someone will sit on it and poke their eye out!"

Still trying to envision how that would work.

[dougie_monty]

Did she cry, Heath? I'll bet that hurt worse :(

[smilingjaws]

Thanks for giving me some new ammunition to torture my kid with!

[dougie_monty]

How did your parents torture you, Smiling Jaws?

[dougie_monty]

How did your parents torture you, Smiling Jaws?

[beefymeg]

Okay, in a different vein, my parents told me that the ice cream truck that drove up and down the street (probably playing "The Entertainer") was actually just a "music truck." They didn't want me to know that dessert existed.

They also told me that cookies were actually crackers. I think they were terrified I'd be fat.

[WallyM7]

My Dad: "How many must I tell you? When you leave the room, turn the light off. What am I,the Electric Company?"

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You are unique - Just like everone else.

[Boris B]

My mother used to say, "Look where my eyes are looking" when trying to get you to get a certain object. She couldn't be bothered to point to it, describe its location, or describe its appearance. She'd just want you to look where her eyes were tracking. Annoying.

And my mom, too, said she hoped my sister and I got kids as bad as we were. Once I said, "But we are just punishment for how bad you were to Grandma" but I don't think she really got it.

[dougie_monty]

Here's another good squelch, Boris:
Parent: "Do you realize that when you misbehave I get another gray hair?"
Child: "Golly, Mom, you must have been a rotten kid. Look at Grandma's hair!" ;)

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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[Gr8Kat]

In response to begging at the grocery store for cookies, sugary cereal, whatever: "No, you'll just eat it."

Umm, yeah, mom, that's usually what you do with food, isn't it? I think she meant we'd probably eat it all in one sitting while watching cartoons or something, and she's probably right, but that was still a rather illogical way of phrasing it :)

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"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it," Jack Handy

[Rilchiam]

Mom: "Aren't you going to say you're sorry?!"
Me: "Okay, I'm sorry!"
Mom:"Well, sorry doesn't help!"

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Remember, I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together.
---Red Green

[Heath Doolin]

Yep...she turned on the waterworks and I would melt.

Dammit women always tear me up when they cry. Thanks Mom!!!

[smilingjaws]

Just for you, dougie-monty-
Once when my sister and I were arguing she made us each get a long, hard switch and switch each other--it would have been funny had we not both been crying so hard and trying to get out of each other's way.
Only saying I can remember is she would always say, "everyone to their own taste said the old lady as she kissed the cow" Don't think that would fly today!
Also, got my mouth washed out with dial soap for calling my sister stupid. Still gag at the smell of dial.
I,however, being the perfect mom :-)
only torture my kid by saying: You've got a brain-why don't you use it!

[jane_says]

The most irritating things my mom ever said were "Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" (meaning, you'll do what I damn well tell you, not go get high in the garage) and "How do you like those apples?" She also told me that when I had kids of my own, I'd "pay for my raising". Sad, but now that I have three of my own, it appears she was right.

[keystream]

There are lots from my mom when I was growing up, but my favorite by far is from my dad. He didn't start this till I was in my teens, but whenever I started complaining about "If only..." he'd look me in the eye and say "And if I had a square ass, I'd shit a gold brick." Shut me right up every time.

[ChrisCTP]

"Christina Dawn Larsen, you get your little ass in here, PRONTO!"

"Sometimes I swear you don't have the brains God gave to a piss-ant."

"If you leave this house, you are grounded!"

"Because I'm the mother and I said so, that's why."

"If you do that again, I'll get out the lickin'-stick." (Wooden spoon, anything that could be used as a paddle...)

"Go to your room! Get back here, I'm not finished with you yet!"

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Veni, Vidi, Visa ... I came, I saw, I bought.

[Valerieblaise]

I should first say that I LOVE my parents. They're great. Fabulous. Better than rock candy.

So I bought a house when I was 21 (btw, that is a TON of responsibility for a single 21-year old)-and it was in need of a LOT of work.

Early on, my parents came over to help paint the house [and when I say 'help' I mean Dad did all of the difficult work and I handed him whatever he needed]. At lunchtime I went out and got food for all of us, and afterwards I lit up a cigarette [they're non-smokers in a big way]. When my mom gave me a look, I said, "Look, as long as you're under MY ROOF you'll follow MY rules... you two had better smoke too!"

Granted, they didn't light up. Still, I felt as though all the years of living in their house were worth it for that ONE moment ...



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"You're going to listen
to ME? To something I
said? Haven't I made it
abundantly clear over the
tenure of our friendship
that I don't know shit?"
- Brodie, "Mallrats"

[Ukulele Ike]

"Ike, we don't love you, we've never loved you, and your very existance is a horrid mistake. May God forgive us."

[thirdwarning]

Smilingjaws,
I thought my mother was the only one in the world who used the "kissed the cow" phrase! And I'm still wondering where one of my dad's favorites came from--"Ah ha, she cried, as she shook her wooden leg at the conductor!" It came out at random times, usually for no apparent reason.

The weirdest thing about all this is when I open my mouth and my mother's voice comes out. Although I have never told my children to be sure to wear clean underwear in case they get in an accident.

[smilingjaws]

Thirdwarning--my long lost cousin!
Wanta play are we related?

[PatrickM]

My dad used to say (heck, he probably still says):
"Who works for the electric company around here?" when someone would leave the lights on.

"You make a better door than a window" when someone would block his view.

"I hope your face doesn't freeze like that" when someone would pout, cry, etc.

[thirdwarning]

Smilingjaws,
Yeah, but you probably won't want to admit it.

[Sancho]

Sorry to bring this thread back from its two week slumber, but I feel a need to share the wonders of your old buddy Sancho's childhood:

Mama: "You're going to break it." Referring to anything electronic, the first time it was turned on. Examples include Christmas toys, new stereos, and, my all time favorite, the power windows on the car.
Papa: "What happened to your old one?" In response to requests for new anythings.
Uh, geez, dad, I grew out of my old jeans. Sorry, I'll try to take up smoking in an attempt to stunt my growth.
I can't remember which parent said my all time favorite, which was, "You'll have to work hard to use your brains, because I think your brother got the athletic abilities in the family."
That one still stings.

[Welfy]

Considering I still live at home (I'm 17, give me a break), just now my mom said something that has always really bugged me:

"I'm cleaning your closet tomorrow! I can't fit anymore clothes in there!"

That means that she'll throw out whatever clothes she wants whether it's something that I like or not. I can't help it that I don't wear out my clothes and that I stopped growing a couple years ago. :(

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Welfy

I wonder what the king is doing tonight?

[Alexandria]

What did I just say? (I don't know. You weren't listening either?)
I'll put you in a crocker sack and drown you one of these days! (What is a crocker sack anyway)
There are staving children everywhere....(no, I don't think they would eat this either.) =)

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Alexandria
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but an execellent thing to mess with!

[Boris B]

Ike
That's horrible! Did they really say that? Tell me they were kidding! Even if they weren't!

(Feeling now that my parents were really a cakewalk.)

[White Wolf]

My dad asks really, I mean really, stupid questions.
Ex: We're having chicken for dinner. I'm finishing, he walks in from work, starts talking in this stupidly childish "tone" and says, "I like chicken, do you like chicken?"

So I've only lived with him since I was born and I've only eaten chicken my whole life and he knows I hate when he does stupid stuff like that (I'd rather my parents be PARENTS than FREINDS) and he actually expects an answer!
Why does he do this to me?
And is this supposed to start a conversation? Even if I bite and actually say "Yes" he blows up on me saying I never talk to him. Is this normal parental behavior, or should I be worried?

[Cessandra]

What I never understood, is how my eating everything on the plate is going to help starving kids elsewhere. Won't they get mad that I'm eating up all of the food?
Worse (and almost directly contridicting the above), is when they would get mad at me for eating/drinking too much of something. I'd get thirsty and get a glass of milk, and this was bad, because I was drinking it all up. Well, what is it there for?

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Cessandra

My Homepage (http://www.shsu.edu/~stdmed17/Home.html) Updated 9/30/99!
The RHPS: Website For Virgins (http://www.shsu.edu/~stdmed17/RockyHome.html) Updated 9/28/99!

[dougie_monty]

Doesn't it suggest that some people are just plain incompetent as parents?

[PunditLisa]

"If you stick that lip out any further, some bird's going to poop on it." (Actually, this is what my husband's mother used to say to him when he pouted.)

"Are we trying to (heat/cool) ALL of Cincinnati?" (when we left the door open)

"I'm not going to tell you again to (fill in the blank)."

[Ukulele Ike]

Boris,

Naw...I just posted it to make everyone whose folks told them to finish their goddamn string beans wouldn't feel that their own childhood was so miserable.

Once you have offspring of your own...(sigh). Mebbe I'll start a thread called "Maddening Things You Say to Your Kids."



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Uke

[wireless]

I can't believe I'm the only one who ever heard these:

"Well I'm not everybody else's mother!"

and its corollary:
"If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?"

(Learned quickly not to use the "everyone else" argument.)

[amberly]

"Get down from there, you'll break your neck!"

"All right, but don't come crying to me when you get hurt"

"Just wait 'til you have kids of your own!"

I remember these real well because now I"m starting to use them.

[tatertot]

Mom (while cleaning up whatever mess we had made):

What, you want me to wipe your butt for you, too?

(use a Korean accent to get the full effect)

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"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." Albert Einstein

[neuro-trash grrrl]

Whenever we left the door open, my mom always said "I'm not paying to heat the great outdoors!" And yes, she used the old "I/m not everybody else's mother" too.

My dad didn't really use any of those sayings, but he always got really bothered at the weirdest things. One time, my parents both went on a "hold your silverware correctly" kick. I don't know what that was, I think somebody must have pointed it out in a restaurant or something, and embarassed them. Anyways, once, after we forgot for the umpteenth time how to hold a spoon (we didn't really forget, we just forgot we were supposed to be doing it), he muttered "...I have to teach them how to eat, too..." I was really insulted by this.

Also, once I complained that there was some residue stuck to my glass, and he just blew up. Among other things, he said "I have never seen you wash a goddamn dish in your LIFE!!!" First- not true. Second, I have never seen him take out the garbage since that had been designated as my job, but he still complained about it all the time. I didn't say that, though.

Or, he had a habit of turning to anybody who had just entered the room, and did not know anything about the conversation going on, and asking "Isn't that right?" When the person who just came in said "What?" he would say "Just agree." Or sometimes he would say to me "In a way, I'm glad my father isn't around anymore, because between the two of you, you would drive me insane." I guess misery loves company.

One thing I am thankful for is this: My mother told us that her mother would always say "You will (do whatever it was that the kid refused to do), and you will LIKE IT!!" My mother swore that she would never use that on us, and she never did.

[CatInHat]

I got "If everyone else jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too?" I grew up in New York City; this is just the urban version of the cliff one.

But my mother's all-time favorite was "Because I'm your mother and I said so!" AAARGHHH!!!! Usually offered when there was no possible rational explanation (which was fairly often). Did anyone else get this?

------------------
The Cat In The Hat

[CatInHat]

Disregard that last sentence, folks. EVERYONE has said that they got "because I said so". Brain fart!

[dougie_monty]

Another verbal trap:
Your parent is angry with you about something, whether you know it or not.
Parent: "Do you know anything about that mess in the garage/the broken dishes in the kitchen/the trail of ants in the hall?" (or any similar supposedly mundane question).
You: "No, I--"
Parent: (doesn't wait for you to finish your answer, but socks or slaps you, and then launches into an insane tirade suggesting you are hard of hearing.)
It seems to me that parents do this to get you off-guard, making you an easier target for physical or verbal assault.
Maybe this accounts for the generation gap... :(

[iampunha]

"You know where your room is."

Got to the point where I answered, varyingly, "So do you", "Your point being", or "This is true." Oh, I was evil. But I could beat up my dad, so it didn't matter much.

"You are smarter than these grades." I'm smarter than a piece of paper . . . veeeery gooood!

"So how are you and [insert name of female classmate from hell] getting along?"

[BlackKnight]

My mother always used to just start talking about how she met this nice young girl my age (or her parents) at the super-market, and how she was such a lovely girl, and how she likes (something that I like), and on and on. The obvious implication was that she wanted me to call this girl up and ask her out, but she thought she was being discreet by not putting it that bluntly.

I don't think I ever told her directly that I would never call some girl I don't know and ask her out, but I should have. Probably wouldn't have helped though.

Oh, and my parents always used to tell me to eat my vegetables because it would grow hair on my chest. They told my sisters to eat their vegetables because it would make their hair (on their head, of course) curly. I always wondered at the marvels of vegetables that affected men and women's hair growth in such remarkably different fashions.

[matt_mcl]

My dad used to:

-walk in on me using the computer and ask me for the eighth time in one evening if I had done my homework, despite being responded to in the affirmative seven previous times.

-tell me I shouldn't read (in the bathroom/at recess/when there was something else to do/when I could be exercising). This baffled the hell out of me because I kept hearing on the news (which I also listened to all the time) that kids were not reading enough.

-spontaneously decide that something was unacceptable. God, I hated that. My brother and I used to tease him all the time about his (lack of) hair and his age, and he would always laugh or mug sad-face or something. So we were doing this one night, and talking about something real old, and I said, "So it was when you were young, Dad, around the time blue-green algae started producing oxygen!" and he yelled, "Or maybe it was around the time children respected their elders!" Threw me completely.

-say "Show some consideration for the feelings of others!" Like you ever have in your life, you insensitive twit.

-say "You could be trying harder than this." No, Dad, actually I couldn't. You see, it's a little difficult to concentrate on your work when your classmates, teachers, and father are making you feel like a piece of shit because you're not completely normal. Alternate answer: Yes, Dad, I got bad grades intentionally to piss you off, because I like the atmosphere at home so much better when you're pissed off. Dodging thrown objects is an important part of my workout regimen.

-tell me I'm not listening to him or I'm prejudiced against him during an argument. No, dad, I AM listening to you. I'm just disagreeing with what I'm hearing.

-tell me I'm being shrill. What I'm doing is holding my own in the debate.

-tell me I'm not really like that (whatever I may be doing). Actually, I am like that, Dad. It's the little perfect person you want me to be that isn't like that. Don't confuse the two.

-tell me he has more experience and therefore I should follow his opinion on (everything). No, what you have is more experience being you. I have more experience being me.

He has also:

-said "Are you sure you're not saying you're gay just to be popular?" Trust me, if I were trying to become the homecoming king, being a faggot is not how I'd do it.

-said "Don't call your brother honey!" I call everyone 'honey', honey.

-told my brother, "Now, this is the sort of thing a man can only tell his wife and his favourite son," and then proceeded to tell him. Actually, I was kind of happy when I heard about that. It confirmed my suspicions.

-One Christmas dinner he asked me (since I often read Miss Manners books and whatnot) to tell him how to properly set a table. I told him, and also mentioned that we didn't need soup spoons if there was no soup. He said yes, we do, and put them out anyway. I said no, we don't. He flew into a rage and accused me of being doctrinaire and inflexible. Well, if you don't want the answer, don't ask the goddamn question! Did I mention that this was my last Christmas dinner at home before I moved out? You'd think he would have been on his best behaviour!

Note that all of the above were what I would have answered had I been braver/physically tougher/sassier than I am.

My mother, on the other hand, is an absolute angel.

[Shirley Ujest]

Great, I was about to go to bed (it's 1am) and I peek back into the land of Mundania, and see this thread....

When my kids ask me why we don't really go to church or subscribe/prescribe to any particular branch of christianity, it will be because of my mother's favorite saying:

You ought to consider yourself fortunate to be Catholic. Not everyone else is as lucky.

Oooh, I feeeel soooo lucky. Like I get free coffee at Starbucks or my parking validated.

[Shirley Ujest]

Originally posted by CatInHat
I got "If everyone else jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too?" I grew up in New York City; this is just the urban version of the cliff one.





A great retort to this line ( and it's used in other parts of this world, outside of NY too) is to say, " Well, Johnny Weismuller jumped off the bridge and lived..."

Johnny Weismuller was the first Tarzan.

My grandfather worked with Johnny Weismuller ( or so goes the family urban legend.)

[InternetLegend]

My mom used to say a lot of these, and they drove me crazy. Of course, now that I have kids, I'm using them myself. I try not to say anything I don't really mean (aside from "Do you want to do what I say or do you want me to beat you to death?" which we all know is a joke. Really).

I've only once been able to say "you could put somebody's eye out!" with a straight face, and that's only because there was a real danger at the time. "Do I have to stop this car?" is amazingly effective, even though I've never said what, if anything, I would DO if I stopped the car. I think kids who whine at their moms when they're bored deserve to be shown something is worse than boredom, so my favorite line for that is "Do YOU want to find something to do or do you want ME to find something for you to do?"

We haven't been able to use the "if your friend jumped off a cliff…" line in our household since the kids saw the Simpsons episode where Marge says to Bart, "If Milhouse jumped off a cliff, would you?" and he says, "Milhouse is jumping off a cliff? I'm THERE!" Now it just makes them giggle. As for "Because I'm the mother and I say so," I spent 30 years waiting to be able to tell that to a kid, and I'm sure as hell not going to miss out on it now!

I have the feeling the key to whether these things parents say are funny or hurtful (or exasperating) is the feeling behind them.

[flodnak]

I've used the "If you're bored, you could do X" line on my six-year-old, too. Not that I really expect him to do whatever chore I suggest! But I think kids benefit from a certain amount of boredom, and suggesting a chore makes it clear that we are not on a cruise ship and I am definitely not Your Activities Director. Mom is not going to be any help here, so figure something out on your own.

I have not, however, used any of my mother's other great lines. One is still irritating. Every time I'd say "I love you" to her, she'd answer "Actions speak louder than words." In other words, if I really loved her, I'd show it with blind, unthinking obedience, rather than by being a normal kid and defying her once in a while. She just couldn't ever bring herself to say "I love you, too, honey." :(

On the bright side, I have acheived revenge. Of course I tell my kids I love them frequently, which is part of it, but I also thwarted the Mother's Curse. You know, the one that says "When you grow up and have kids, I hope they turn out just like you!"? Mine did. But they don't drive me crazy, because they're just like me! Heh heh heh.

[Enright3]

Some of the things I've read here had me laughing out loud! Like I was at home all over again. My mother's favorites were...

Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes.

You're getting too big for your britches!

Close the door! I'm not heating/cooling the whole outdoors!

When my mom got really mad at all of us kids, she'd call us "Sons of Bitches!" One day, one of my wise older brothers said something to the effect of "That's right mom, we sure are!" Man oh man, let the beatings commense!

My mother never threatened to stop the car. She actually stopped the car! She kept a belt in the glovebox for just such occasions.

I'm saving the best for last. When we really pissed my mom off, she say "Oh, God! If I had my whole life to live over again, I'd never have kids!

For not having a dad around since I was four, I think she did a pretty great job! She's 5'1", all of her boys are over 6'3"... and we all still respect her, and we're all still scared of her!

When my wife was pregnant with our first, she asked my mom if she had any advice. My mom replied: "Get your bluff in Early".

[FairyChatMom]

We learned early not to declare our boredom, because we'd be handed a dustrag or assigned a section of garden to weed.

The line I heard the most was: "You're the oldest. You should set the example." Well, at 19, I joined the Navy and went out to live my own life. As far as setting an example, all four of my sibs live within an hour of Mom and Dad. I live 800 miles away. I'm certain there's some irony in there somewhere...