View Full Version : I need some support and validation please
09-29-2002, 11:17 PM
This isn't pit worthy so it is here.
There is a woman I've know for almost three years. She loves me I don't love her, never did and doubt I ever will. She was a good person and I liked being with her, but I wasn't honest about how I felt. She never asked me if I lived her and I never told her that I loved her. I did love it when our bodies touched, we would make out, but we never had sex. I think that was partialy my decision subconiously so it wouldn't make the "relationship" any deeper than it was. Through E-mail she mentioned something about breaking up the other day and I didn't act opposed to it, then she started going on how she didn't mean it. We IM'd back and forth and I was really hoping I could end it without being brutally homest and crusing her. As it stands now she has given me two weeks to decide what I want because I told her I need time. I told her this after I told her I want out. I don't want to hurt her, but by prolonging this I will only hurt her more in the end. I don't see us getting married to each other and she still sees us being together for a long time. so I have the following questions
1) How do I get her to unserstand it is over when she calls me in two weeks
2) I'm worried about her mental state and I know if she does anythign foolish it isn't my fault but I will feel guilty
3) I would like to keep on a friendly level with her, but I don't see how I can.
09-29-2002, 11:53 PM
I know what you are going through. I really do. Sometimes it's hard to do, but you can not let guilt enter into this. You have to break up, and don't worry about being friends right now. Time will tell if you two can be friends. You don't need to "crush" her either. You just need to be to the point. Never be mean, but don't change your mind. You both need a change.
Hang in there.
09-30-2002, 12:02 AM
You know what? I went through that this summer, and son, it took me two months to say the words I needed to say. Just do it. Chances are, she'll be crushed no matter how you say it. That's just life. Nobody said it was fair, it just kicks who it wants to.
09-30-2002, 02:04 AM
The voice of experience says get this over with quickly. Make it a priority. Don't let the other person make you feel guilty. Forget the friends part. Life is short, and you both must find more compatible partners. Good luck. This has happened to many people.
09-30-2002, 02:26 AM
Have you concidered taking her out with mutual friends on a holiday? This would ease the anxiety you both have plus give you both outlets to discuss your relationships.
I say utilize your friends to make this a well rounded discussion.
This woman seems to want two weeks so you will see the light and change your mind and decide she is all you ever wanted. She wants two weeks, but this doesn't mean you need to wait two weeks to say you don't want to be her boy friend anymore. Her mental state is her own to worry about. If you want to take up the job of being her mental Rock of Gibralter, that is your choice. I don't think you want to be her Rock. You don't have to be her Rock. If you want to be friends, treat her honestly and fairly, but I doubt she'll choose to be your friend, as she has another role picked out for you---husband. You couldn't make her understand before and you most likely won't be able to make her understand in two weeks, so set your own timeframe and do what you want to do: end it cleanly.
09-30-2002, 05:13 AM
MannyL, a couple of times I've been in a situation where someone has been attracted to me, and I haven't, can't, and won't be attracted to him. My advice to you is to be honest, be gentle, but be firm and tell her the truth. You are not in love with her, nor will you be.
Her mental state when you say this is not your responsibility. One of the people I turned down was a married man who declared his undying love for me. He has severe clinical depression, to the point where he's unable to work. Since I also have bouts with the disease, I know what it's like and the risk factors involved. Nevertheless, I told him he did not and would not stand a chance with me because he was married. Her issues are her responsibility not yours and pretending an emotion you do not feel may well only make them worse.
Finally, there's a chance you may not be able to be friends, I'm afraid.
09-30-2002, 10:39 AM
I also have been in a similar situation. The breakup was inevitable, but it was so hard to face up to that fact. Looking back, I can see I should have walked away long before I actually did. So definitely, my advice would be to gently but FIRMLY end this thing.
About being friends afterward: When this woman and I finally did break up, we really wanted to remain friends, and with a little effort, we did manage it. The problem was that the only change in our relationship was that we weren't sleeping together anymore. We still spent almost all of our time together, still depended on each other for the same things, etc. We were supposed to see other people, but neither of us did. We eventually had a huge fight and we don't talk anymore.
Okay this is turning into a tangent about my own life, sorry Manny. The point I'm trying to make is, give it a nice long cooling off period before you try to rebuild the friendship. If you spend a few months or a year away from her - I mean with NO contact - and you decide you still want a friendship, and she does as well, that will prove that the friendship is worth maintaining.
09-30-2002, 09:11 PM
Don't make the woman wait two weeks to hear it, either, because she's probably feeling sick to her stomach waiting. End it without all that torture!
10-01-2002, 08:24 AM
Did you ever see the movie Ol' Yeller?
It is time for you to go out back and do what needs to be done.
Do it because you still like her.
10-01-2002, 11:34 AM
I have a friend who is still stringing her estranged husband along because she feels guilty, even though she KNOWS it's over. It's sadistic.
To repeat what others have sadi: Do her a favor, don't wait the two weeks and just break up with her now. She'll be hurt no matter what. Maybe you can be friends later, after she's over you, but not right away.
10-01-2002, 01:37 PM
Don't feel guilty. You haven't made her any promises. Call her as soon as possible and tell her that you just don't feel "that way" about her, and that you never will.
She'll get over it. There are plenty of other hypodermics on the beach.
10-03-2002, 11:58 PM
Well I wanted to provide an update to my saga
Green Bean I took your advice and over IM told her I don't feel that way. I told her that while I loved the feeling of having her in my arms, I didn't love her. She responded with some stuff about how we can grow to love each other again. She still keeps asking for one more chance although I've told her no. I'm about to block her from my buddy list and erase any mail she sends me if she won't accept we are over.
10-04-2002, 04:06 AM
Is there a chance you two could salvage a friendship?
10-04-2002, 07:33 AM
Snugglebear There is always a chance, but right now it's a slim one. She scared me when she said "We were destined to be together" after I told her I no longer wanted to be with her. If she gives me time and space we may be able to have a friendship, but the way she is acting now would make that hard.
10-04-2002, 07:43 AM
She scared me when she said "We were destined to be together" after I told her I no longer wanted to be with her. That's a classic justification for stalking! Not saying she's a stalker, but if the genders were reversed...hoo boy!
I think you're smart in cutting off contact and in seeing that a "friendship" is not possible at this point.
10-05-2002, 05:49 AM
When I was 18, I was in a situation similar to hers. At that age, I had kind of a speech impediment: whenever I tried to talk about something that meant a lot to me, it always came out in cliches.
What I said: "Can't we be friends?"
What I meant: "Can I at least count on you not to tell everyone you know about how I pursued you, and enumerate all the reasons why you don't like me, and slander me, and destroy my chances of ever getting with anyone else?"
Well, I didn't like the answer I got to the question, but as far as I ever knew, he didn't do any of those things. And much later, he and I did reach a civil acquaintance.
Not much relevance to Manny's situation, I know, but reading this thread brought that memory back to me quite vividly.
10-05-2002, 09:26 AM
All the legitimate advice has been given, so I'll just say I've been in this situation, and there's someone I know who would probably say I was on the other end when I was a lot younger. I'm sorry to hear you've gotta go through it, but do what you've gotta do and do it fast.
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