Ghastly puns

Ready for a real groaner?
"If you are a Taurean, it is better to be a South Taurean than a North Taurean."
--Gary Owens

I don't get it. I guess I'm not his Taurean.

Sounds like a lot of bull to me.

Don't get it? It's a pun on "Korean."

Not to be crabby, but I Cancertainly claw my way into this devilish thread, shellfish as I am.

How come crabs are so tight? Because they're shellfish.......Hey what the.... ??!! This isn't the riddle thread!!

So what is a taurean?

Whenever the wife and I see news about people getting trapped in avalanches in the winter I always pipe up with:

"Avalanche is better than none!"

And then she socks me with a pillow.

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To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

OK, flochi! "Taurean" means someone whose astrological "birth sign is "Taurus," like Dr. Benjamin Spock and Mayor Richard Dailey of Chicago.

Isn't that what you searve soup in? A taurean

Only if it's Caper-Corn soup. . .

Rich

with a few Pieces of french bread?

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To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

You mean "Pisces".

My best friend accompanied my husband and me to our insurance agents office a few years back, and we still laugh about the exchange we had while Byron was talking to the agent. Evidently, the agent is a hunter, and he had, amongst other stuffed trophies, the head of a huge buck, mounted on the wall. The exchange went something like this:

"Oh, that's too bad. You know, that deer was shot by an insurance agent, do you suppose the widow got any doe?"

"I'm sure. At least a couple of bucks anyway."

--Use a pun, go to jail--thats the law!
--Alan Q

I have to give credit where credit is due;
CigaretJim (a sometimes poster on this board) came up with this one:

Paul went to visit his friends Lisa & Rob. Rob had recently returned from the hospital where he had had a vasectomy, which required the shaving of his privates. During a trip to the bathroom, Paul noticed a very, hairy object sitting in the bathroom sink. When he returned to his hosts in the living room he asked, "What the hell is that thing in the sink?"

Lisa's response: "It's Rob's peter toupee, Paul!"

Nothing like a really bad pun about merkins!
Enough of this punishment!

Isn't a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?

They also surf who only stand on waves.

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think." Dorothy Parker

------------------
Tim
"My hovercraft is full of eels."

Two guys canoeing on a lake see a whale breach the surface. The whale raises its tail and splashes the water two or three times, and then disappears below the surface.

One canoeist turns the the other and says, "Must have been a fluke."

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"Be Good, and you will be lonesome."
--Mark Twain

Isn't a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?>>> Mojo

Well, I heard it they were planning to transfer the Chicago Cubs franchise to the Phillipines, and rename them the "Manila Folders."

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SoxFan59
"Its fiction, but all the facts are true!"

Here's a long one, from the old Dr. Demento radio show. I'm doing this from memory, so forgive me if I miss anything.

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving through downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray-- and it was overheating.

So I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Just fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that I went over to a place I know called the Oyster Bar. It was a real dive, but I knew the owner; he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "Hi, Gill!!" (You have to shout; he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sandbar. Gill poured me the usual-- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken not stirred-- with a peanut-butter-and-jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good; I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sound of Tommy Dorsal. What sole!

Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna-- "Salmon 'Chanted Evning"-- and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, who were probably there to see the bass player.

One of them's this cute little yellowtail, and she's giving me the eye. So I figure this is my chance to get a little piece of Pisces. But she said things I couldn't fathom; she was just too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure. And boy, could she drink! She drank like a... well, she drank a lot.

I said, "What's your sign?"

She said, "Aquarium."

I said, "Great, let's get tanked!"

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows."

She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight, I got a haddock."

And she wasn't kidding either, because in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen shrimp, don't you come trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed! I could see the anchor in his eyes.

I turned to him and said, "Abalone, you're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was alread on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill! This guy's gonna need a sturgeon!"

Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, "Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?"

I said, "Marlin."

After that we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders. I went home with her. And what do I get for my troubles? A case of the clams!

"Hey, is that a piece of origami paper in your hand?"

"Yeah...wanna make something of it?"

Here's my dad's favorite (eventhough its godawful) and I hear it every time we pass by a cemetary:

Boy, people are dyin' to get in there!

::groan:: Literally, EVERY time we drive by one, he's gotta say it....

Hey, AuraSeer: That bit you did--your memory is quite accurate, incidentally--is from "Wet Dream," by Kip Addotta--and it's a perennial "funny Five" Favorite on the Dr. Demento Show. (Dr. D even included it, as the finale, on a video he had published.) :)

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.

------------------
MaryAnn
Sometimes life is so great you just gotta muss up your hair and quack like a duck!

bunnygirl try this response
Well, it is the dead center of town.
Larry

Have you ever heard of the opera about a computer user?
It's called "Modem Butterfly."

[gary horaczek]

A hearse was going up a hill when the back door opened and the coffin fell out and went down the hill. The coffin went through the front door of the drug store and stopped at the counter. The druggist asked "Can I help you?". The coffin opened and the man inside answered "Yes. Do you have anything to stop this coughin'?"

[Babar714]

Guy just lost his job because he lost his arms in a stagecoach accident. He talks to the preist of the neighboring town if he can help him find a job. The preist realizes the town needs someone to ring the bell in the bell tower.

"Don't care how you do it, but if you can, the job is yours."

So, the armless man thinks, and tries several different ways to ring the bell. He tries pulling the rope with his teeth. He tries kicking it. Finally, he decides to take a running start and kick the bell. He runs, jumps, hits the bell with his head, falls down the tower and dies. All the townspeople hear the 'GONG' and come running. They gather around the body in confusion. "who is that" they ask. The priest says:

"I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."

PLACE ARGHHHHHHHHHS HERE.

[Gaudere]

"I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."

About a week or so later, another armless guy shows up in town. He looks uncannily like the first bellringer. He is also looking for work, and is directed towards the bell tower. His first day on the job, he runs up to the bell to kick it, misses, hits it with his head, falls out of the tower and dies. The townspeople gather around, curious.

"Who was that guy?"

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the last one..."



------------------
"Eppur, si muove!" - Galileo Galilei

[Babar714]

didn't even give me enough time to post the suquel. Kudos to you.

[Pete]

That should be "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." I believe Parker also said "If all the girls at the Harvard prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit suprised."

Here's a groaner:

My uncle works as a waiter in a fancy hotel. Last December, there was a chess convention being held at the hotel. The hall was so packed that the overflow pushed back into the entry room. My uncle tried to serve the chess players cocktails, but all they seemed to care about was proving that they were better players than the next guy. Finally, my uncle got fed up and shouted "I'm sick of all these chess nuts boasting in the open foyer."

------------------
I don't know who first said "everyone's a critic," but I think it's a really stupid saying.

[Gaudere]

didn't even give me enough time to post the suquel. Kudos to you.

I'm a speed demon. Sorry to steal your chance to make a truly godawful pun. ;) Always nice to meet a fellow lover of paronomasia. (Geez, that favorite words thread must be affecting me.)

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"Eppur, si muove!" - Galileo Galilei

[mr john]

OK you asked for it.
I have before me an incredibly intricate news paper article comparing Fort Worth and Dallas. Detail of Two Cities. It says there was a circus in Dallas the other day. On exhibit were a pair of Siamese twin Siamese cats joined at the rear, A Tail of Two Kitties. That's two in a row, I tell of two witties. I don't believe what I am reading now, says the circus had a pair of Abominable Snowmen! That's just a Tall tale of two_____. Come on do I have to do all the work? What's that? you can't fill in the blank? Oh, SOB! I am sorry! Oh, SOB! I am sorry! A wail of two pities. Ah, now this looks interesting, they had a fan made from the feathers of two old hens, a tail of two biddies. Oh, I can't believe they would print this, it seems two masochists got in a fight over the shared ownership of a cat o nine tails! A flail of two hittees. Uhoh, this looks serious, seems the Trinity is overflowing both banks and they only have one bucket to throw the water away. A Pail for Two Levees. Moving on to lighter news,the White Rock Yachting Club had a little cruise, every body joined in to sing a couple of English Musical songs. A sail with two Ditties. Here's some from down on the Gulf Cost, an orca got wedged between the break waters. A whale on Two Jetties. Let's see what's in the ads. Neiman's has a special price on infant's gloves. A Sale on Two Mitties. Here's an amazing skin cream the before picture is a poor boy with a terrible case of acne, but he looks much better in the after. A Male with two zitties. Ah! Look Dolly Parton is coming to the Longhorn Ballroom........What?........ Oh, all right I'll stop they weren't that good anyway.



------------------
Signitorily yours, Mr John
" Pardon me while I have a strange interlude."-Marx

[dougie_monty]

A biology professor at Stanford had some porpoises on his property. He found a way to keep them alive indefinitely with a food he prepared from the flesh of seagulls he trapped at the seashore.
One weekend while the professor was out trapping, an old, toothless, peaceful, harmless lion escaped from a zoo and wended his slow way across town. He went to sleep alongside the professor's house.
The professor parked in his driveway with a cage of gulls, still alive. He walked to the back yard, where the tank was, and saw the lion and stepped over him. FBI agents waiting in the bushes jumped out and arrested him.
The charge: transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

[dougie_monty]

Q. Where does a sheep go to get shorn?
A. The baa baa shop.


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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[Max Torque]

Once, there was a peaceful little town, where the people grew the most beautiful flowers in all the land. Atop a mountain at the edge of town was a monastery. The monks who lived there grew flowers also, and they were so jealous of the flowers in the town that, every month, they would pour forth from the monastery, thunder into the little town, and crush every flower they could find.

Life went on this way for years, until the villagers could stand it no longer. They hired a man from a neighboring town named Hugh, a mighty giant with a barrel chest and arms like iron bands. Hugh stood at the base of the mountain and waited for the monks to arrive.

Days passed. Then, the doors of the monastery flew open, and the monks ran down, meeting Hugh at the base. A tremendous battle ensued, but, when the dust had settled, only Hugh remained standing, the vanquished monks at his feet.

Moral: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


If you think THAT'S a groaner, wait'll I tell you the one about the dolphins....

[Max Torque]

Blast! dougie_monty beat me to it!

My version takes place on an island; the lion is protected by the laws of the native people. And the dolphins require seagull chicks. Thus:

Carrying young gulls across the state lion for immortal porpoises.

Argh. Oh well.

[BenDover]

There was once a town called Triddle whose inhabitants were called Trids. Triddle was located in a high mountain valley whose only exit was a steep trail over the smallest mountain. Very few native Trids were ever seen outside of their mountain valley, although salesmen, repairmen, and deliverymen traveled in and out frequently. Young Harry became curious about the mysterious Trids and decided to pay the town a visit to learn why the inhabitants were so reclusive.

Upon arrival, Harry accosted the first person he met and asked why few Trids were every seen outside of their valley.

"Well," the man replied, "there is a fearsome monster who lives at the top of the mountain who will not let any Trid pass him. If a Trid approaches, he rushes out and kicks them so hard that they tumble back down the mountain. A few people have managed to sneak past him, but most people give up after a couple of tries."

Harry didn't believe this, so the man offered to demonstrate. He struggled up the steep mountain trail until he reached the top, whereupon a huge rabbit rushed out of hiding and kicked him so hard he tumbled back down the mountain. Another young man also offered to demonstrate, and received the same treatment.

Harry was astonished (and worried), but the townspeople assured him that the rabbit only kicked native Trids, and allowed all others to pass unmolested. Harry decided he had better leave immediately just in case, and began the long, steep climb up the trail. As he neared the top, he spied the huge rabbit sitting beside the trail, but the rabbit didn't move as he walked by. Curious, Harry turned back to the rabbit and asked, "Mr. Rabbit, whenever a native Trid tries to leave the valley, you rush out and kick that person so hard that they tumble back down the mountain, yet you allow me and others to pass unmolested. Why is this?"

The rabbit replied:

"Because Kix are for Trids."




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The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

I'm sure you've all heard the one about the legendary Foo Bird. I'll tell it anyway, as it is essential to the understanding of the sequel:

An ornithologist went to a tiny tropical island to see the legendary Foo Bird, the most beautiful and rarest bird in the world. After much searching, he comes to stand under a tree in which the exotic fowl is nesting. The professor is peering up at it when suddenly the bird relieves itself, soiling the good doctor. He immediately washes the poop off, despite the protests of his native guides who believe the droppings are sacred and should not be removed. Soon thereafter, he goes into a seizure and dies.
The moral of the story?
If the Foo shits, wear it.

Another pair of scientists come to the same island. On the day they arrive, they are so taken with the beauty of the calm waters around the isle that they decide to swim to shore. One swims ahead of the other, right through a brown cloudiness in the water that came from some seals nearby. As soon as he is rinsed clean, he goes into spasms and dies. His partner quickly swims back to the ship, declaring:
"Even the sea is accursed here, as any seal can plainly Foo!"

[KCB615]

My favorite pun was between myself and my best friend, Eugene. His father (also named Eugene) has a rather serious digestive problem (gets the runs all the time, on medication for it, etc). Little Gene, one day, was suffering from the runs and had to make a rather rapid trip to the rest room. My response to this:

It runs in the Genes.

Hey, it was funny at the time, and it still pisses the hell out of Gene if I mention it to him.


------------------
Jeremy....

I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine - Kurt Vonnegut

[voguevixen]

And of course there was the old west saloon where the dog burst in and declared "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

[Zyada]

BenDover told the Trids' saga much better than I could; however, in the version I heard, the Trids had arranged for some religious officers to negotiate w/ the monster. After the priest & the minister failed, the rabbi tried and asked the critical question. The response - "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids"

There were two trains that were coming at each other. The engineer on one train, a Norwegian, was supposed to be on this stretch of track; unfortunately, the engineer of the other train was seriously drunk. As the engineers tried to stop the trains & prayed, miracuously the trains switched places on the tracks and everyone was saved, because...
Norse is Norse & soused is soused & never the twain shall meet!

[Zyada]

How about making that "never the trains shall meet"

In a certain remote village, there was but one item of value: the king's jewel-studded solid gold throne. Jealous of his wealth, a gang of thieves managed to steal it one night. With much effort, they hoisted it up and hid it in the rafters of the gang leader's hut. Alas, that man died in bed that very night. He was crushed by the mighty weight of the treasure as it fell through its flimsy supports.
The moral?
People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

I went to visit a friend in rural Georgia. As we walked a red-dirt road, we came upon an old man pounding the road with a tool that looked something like a sledgehammer. I asked him what he was doing.
"Wellll," he drawled, "Ahm keepin' th' road surface packed hard, so's it don't wash away.
See, this heah clay soil was once home to a huge grove of nut trees. Now it ain't good fer nothin'. Muh hammered alley was once cashews clay."
I was dubious, but my friend said knowingly:
"He's the gradist."

[tomndebb]

I will now burden you with a true story.
I once worked with a woman who was an exceptionally good mathematician. One day we were recounting confusing things that had happened to us in childhood. She described how in her Catholic school she used to confuse the feast of St. Blaise (where two candles are used during the blessing of each child's throat) and the Easter Vigil celebrated on Holy Saturday (at which time there is a blessing of candles).

I immediately asked "So you confused your Blaise with your Pascal?"

------------------
Tom~

[neuro-trash grrrl]

Once upon a time, there was an umpire known to every baseball team in the nation as being mean, petty, and foul-mouthed. One day, after a particularly rough game, he came home and really needed to unwind, so he decided to read his little boy a story. He called his son: "Come here, boy, and sit in my lap, so I can read you a story". The boy came, but wouldn't sit in his lap. No matter how much he tried to persuade him, the boy still refused. Why was this?

Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire...

[Johnny Angel]

There's this gem from, I believe, Tom Waits:

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

[BenDover]

Zyada, I like your version better - I'll have to change mine!

And another really stupid one:

When researchers cut open one of the moon rocks, they discovered that it was hollow and contained a small, round, furry creature that, amazingly, was alive! Because of a typo, its label of a 'rarity' was misspelled 'rary' and the name caught on. Researchers soon discovered that the Rary had a voracious appetite and could (and did) eat any and everything. It didn't breath, didn't shit or pee, didn't sleep; all it did was eat and GROW. It grew so fast that before long it wouldn't fit in a cage and required an entire room. Then it outgrew the room and they moved it to a banquet hall. It soon outgrew the banquet hall, so it was housed in an airplane hanger.

And boy, did it eat! Food, clothes, lab equipment - you name it, the Rary ate it. Animal, vegetable, or mineral, living or dead, it didn't matter - the Rary ate anything that didn't move fast enough to get out of its way.

The researchers decide to try to curb the Rary's growth by limiting its food, but the hungry creature immediately ate through the wall of the airplane hanger and began ravaging the countryside. The citizens were soon in an uproar, demanding the Rary be recaptured or destroyed.

Since there didn't seem to be anything the Rary couldn't eat right through, the government decided to destroy it. The soon found that the Rary was apparently indestructable - poison? No luck. Shoot it? Ate the bullets. Drop a truck on it? Truck just bounced off and the Rary ate it. Freeze it? Slowed the Rary down a little, but didn't kill it. Blow it up? Bombs just singed its fur and made it hungrier. Lasers? It just absorbed the beams and went on eating and growing. Atomic weapons were out of the question because of radioactive fallout.

Someone finally decided that a fall from a great height might work, so the government decided to use helicopters to lift the Rary to the top of Mount Everest, then push it off the highest point.

Helicopters fastened cables to the Rary and struggled with it to the top of Mount Everest. The intense cold slowed the Rary down some so that workers could carefully position the creature right at the very edge of a huge cliff, where a single light nudge would tip it over the edge.

Geraldo Rivera was there, of course, to cover the event, and right in the middle of things, as usual. There was a lot of speculation about whether or not this latest attempt would be successful, and Geraldo decided the viewing audience needed a good look at the enormous drop the Rary would be making. He and his cameraman struggled up to the very edge of the cliff and peered over the side. The cameraman turned to Geraldo and said 'Whadda you think?' Geraldo replied:

"It's a looong way to tip a Rary".

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The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

[JoeBlank]

Ah, an opportunity to tell of one of my greatest accomplishments. Years ago, but we still laugh to this day. Right off the top of my head, and immediate reply, almost without thinking:

Wife: Why do nuns always wear those things on their heads?

Me: It's a habit.

[dougie_monty]

When I was in grade school, there were two boys with (real) names of Jackie Susser and Jackie Levin. I once overheard two other kids talking:
"Who--Jackie Levin?"
"No! Twelve!"

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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[Shirley Ujest]

A coworker of mine had gone back to college and was taking her first english class in over twenty years. She was working on homework during a slow period during our work day. Our bosses 10 year old son was spending the day in the office too sick to go to school. The ten year old knew more than we did. The following exchange took place:

Coworker: What's an acronym?

Me: Ummm, isn't that the opposite...

10 year old :( really stuffy) No, it's like school bus.

Coworker & me: School bus? Huh?

10 year old: SCUBA..a word that each letter means something...

Me: ( realizing the kid is right but not wanting to admit it) Nah, Acronym is the Capital of Ohio.

Coworker:What's an antonym?

10 year old: Opposites meanings. Like Hot/cold.

Me: No, silly, An antonym is where you put your hand over your heart and somebody sings before the baseball game.

[Alan Smithee]

I don't know if this qualifies as a full-fledged pun or not, but it's close, and it's so hard to find anyone who'll appreciate it.

A group of epidemiologists and a group of biostatisticians were both traveling by train from the University of Chicago to an AIDS conference in Philly. When they met each other at the train station, the epidemiologists noticed that, whereas each of them held a ticket for the train, the biostatisticians only had a single ticket amoung them. "How on earth do you expect to get all the way Philidelphia without getting thrown off the train with just one ticket?" asked the epidemiologists. The biostatisticians just smiled knowingly. "We have our methods," they said. Once they were all on the train and on their way, they all heard the conductor moving down the train asking people for their tickets. Just before he reached their car, all of the biostatisticians jumped out of their seats and crammed themselves into one of the tiny lavatories at the back of the coach and locked the door. After punching all the epidemiologists' tickets, the conductor noticed the occupied sign on the lavatory door, so he knocked on it. "Ticket, please!" The biostatisticians opened the door just a crack and slipped out their ticket. The conductor punched it and slipped it back. The epidemiologists saw all this and said to themselves, "That's pretty clever!" So after the conference ended, the epidemiologists all met at the station with just one ticket for all of them. Then they noticed the group of bistatisticians hadn't bought any ticket! "How do you possibly think you'll make it home to Chicago without getting thrown off the train if you don't have any ticket?" asked the epidemiologists. "We have our methods," the biostatisticians smiled knowingly. Once the train had started and the conductor started down the cars, just before he reached thier car, all of the epidemiologists and all of the biostatisticians jumped out of their seats, crammed themselves into the two tiny lavetories in the back of the coach and locked the doors. Before locking their door, however, one of the biostatisticians crept over to the other door and knocked on it. "Ticket, please!" The epidemiologists opened their door just a crack and held out their ticket. The biostatistician grabbed the ticket and ran back to the other lavatory, slamming the door just as the conductor entered, and you can guess which group got thrown off the train before reaching Chicago.

The moral:
Never attempt to apply statistical methods unless you understand the underlying principles.

[dougie_monty]

When I took music classes--piano or singing--at the local college, and used a music room, I sometimes wrote this pun on the blackboard with the tag line, "The Phantom Punster Wuz Here":
"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish."

[Zenster]

Doe, exiting the woods:
"That's the last time I do that for two bucks."


Q: Name the country western singer who went to Central America to paint surreal art.

A: El Salvador Dali Parton
(A rare triple entendre)


Q: You heard about the country western singer on drugs?

A: Dolly of the valiums.


You heard about the gal who went upstairs with a Swede and came down with a fin (Finn)?


As the dentist said to his pretty assistant;
"Nicest set of teeth I've ever come across."


More madness to follow:

[Zenster]

True story:

I was taking some magnetic field strength measurements of a planar magnetron sputtering array, when my boss leaned into my office and asked how the data looked.

I replied; "Your Gauss is as good as mine."

[Harmonious Discord]

Oh look, a Zombie thread. Passed away last year, back among us a year later.

[Tisme]

Cole's Law - Thinly sliced cabbage.

[Tisme]

It's a well known fact that if you want improvemnets in your working conditions, you should always confront your boss about one issue at a time.
Never put all your begs in one ask-it. :rolleyes:

[Tisme]

What do you call 20 floppy-eared animals hopping backwards in a row?
A receding hare line. :D

[Zenster]

True story:

A guest at one of my dinner parties was regaling the others with how, after fathering eight children, he finally reached the decision to have a vasectomy.

I leaned in from the kitchen and leered:

"A stitch in time saves nine..."

[Baker]

A mother and son were traveling to see her brother Al. He was the rich one in the family, had quite an estate. Mom tells Junior that Al has just put in a tennis court. The kid is suprised and says "I didn't know that Uncle Al was interested in tennis at all!" "oh yes" she replies "Many's the time Iv'e heard Alfred laud tennis, son!"

[Dijon Warlock]

What do you call the cabs queued up at the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport?


The yellow rows of taxis...:rolleyes:

[dougie_monty]

In the freshman year of high school I had a French textbook which endeavored to show English-speaking students how to pronounce French sounds. One was "œ," whose approximate English equivalent is the sound of "u" in "up."
The sound appeared in the French word œil, "eye," and fauteuil, "armchair."
The texbook repeated the two words:
œil, fauteuil, œil, fauteuil,œil, fauteuil,œil, fauteuil.
Hey, that's what Americans traveling to France want to do: Go to Paris and see the œil fauteuil. :D

[Skwerl]

Speaking of French-related puns...
Why did the French hen lay only one egg?
Because one egg is un oeuf!


not to mention the time...

A local newspaper sponsored a contest for the most original pun, with a nice cash prize for the winner. A man in the town submitted 10 puns, in hopes that one of them one win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Skwerl]

Oh yeah, and if straight groaners apply:

Q. What did the whale hunter say when he couldn't find his comb?
A. Where's my comb?

[BlackKnight]

I once tried to impress a smartass friend of mine by reciting pi to 50 decimal places. He listened, and then told me that he could it just as easy. He then proceeded to spout off numbers at random, until I told him to shut up. His reply, "I'm making pi from scratch!"

***

I too have a French one, courtesy of my highschool French teacher.

Why don't French people ever eat more than one egg at a time? Because one is always an oeuf.

[El_Kabong]

Lessee, got one around here somewhere (rummaging through junk drawer)...

Oh, yeah, here it is...


A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

[Biotop]

There's this businessman who always has to go on trips abroad. He avoids taking his wife with him, however, as she is an enormous spendthrift and always buys expensive souvenirs and trinkets.

One day his job tells him to go to the wilds of Africa for a conference. He figures his wife certainly can't buy anything there, so he brings her along.

Sure enough, though, when he gets back to the hut/hotel where they're staying he finds his wife in the possession of a large antelope.

"I just had to have him." says the wife. "Look at his cute grin." Sure enough the antelope has a silly grin. "He's talented too, according to the herder who sold him to me." says the wife. "Though I don't know what his talent is."

"We can't keep an antelope!" says the husband. We live in the suburbs. The yard is too small. There's no where for him to go."

"I thought of that." replies the wife. "We can keep him in the guest cottage. It's almost finished and we really never have any company anyway."


The husband gets mad but eventually relents, and they take the antelope back to the states.

When they get home, the husband leads the antelope into the guest cottage. It's an almost-finished two room abode. Only the floor tiles have not yet been laid. Figuring that the antelope couldn't care about such things, the husband shuts the animal inside, bidding it "good-night."

The next morning the businessman enters the cottage and is shocked to see the flooring completely laid, in exquisite and tasteful pattern. And standing in the middle of the floor is the antelope, grinning madly.

The guy is of course stunned. He decides on an experiment. In his own home is an unfinished bathroom, where the wall and floor tiles still needed to be put down. That night he shoves the antelope into this bathroom.

The following morning when he enters the bathroom, the businessman finds all the flooring and wall work done. The workmanship is perfect. And standing in the middle of this now finished bathroom stands the antelope, wearing a shit-eating grin.

Now the businessman is half-crazy. He's got to know what kind of weird animal this is! Quickly he gets on the phone and after an hour of trans-continental calling and waiting he finally get's the herder who sold his wife the antelope.

"What kind of strange antelope have you sold us?" asks the businessman.

"It's not strange at all," says the herder.

"It's a typical gnu, and tiler too."

[dougie_monty]

Q. What did Buffalo Bob Smith say when Desert Storm started?
A. "It's Saudi Duty Time!" :D:D:D:D:D

[brachyrhynchos]

My sister kiffa asked me what whales ate.

I told her krilled cheese sandwiches.


::dodging vegetables, brachy runs out the door but trips anyway::

[The Mermaid]

You know that sound you hear when you log on to the internet?

That's the modemon.

[The Mermaid]

And then there was the time that a guest at a hotel put his shoes out to be polished. The man opened the door just in time to see a very large cat take off with his shoes in its mouth. At the same time, the bell boy walked by and said, "This place has had a problem with cats lately. I'm gonna get rid of them if it's the last thing I do" A few minutes later the man saw the bellboy coming back up the hall carrying a cat. The man said, Pardon me boy is the cat that ate my new shoes?

[plnnr]

What do you call it when a primate from Borneo rants and raves about the quality of his dessert?

An oranguatan meringue harangue.

[Annie-Xmas]

Another long one: A guy applies for a job
as a school bus driver. He gets hired and
is told he only has to make three stops
to pick up four children. And he gets to
drive the special bus with the Sesame Street
characters on it.

At the first stop two fat girls get on. One
says "My name's Patty." The second says
"My name's Patty, too."

At the second stop and really weird looking
boy gets on and says "I'm Ross, and I'm
so special they call me special Ross."

At the third stop and little be-bop boy
gets on and states "Hey, Man. My name's
Lester G."

The bus driver starts driving and notices
a really gross smell. He looks in the real
view mirror and sees Lester has taken off
a shoe and is picking at a bunion on his
foot. The driver races to the school, drops
off the children, goes back to the garage
and screams "THAT'S IT."

The boss goes "What's wrong."

"What's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong.
You've got me driving two obese Patty's,
special Ross, Lester G picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus."

[Johnny L.A.]

--Use a pun, go to jail--thats the law!
--Alan Q
Aw, I was going to use that one!

[dougie_monty]

Writer Josefa Heiftz wrote a volume called From Back to Verse, including a musical phrase from Rachmaninoff's 2nd Piano Concerto to which this lyric was to be sung:
I know a music buff
Who chooses "rock" because he isn't man enough. :D:D:D:D:D:D

[Eutychus]

When they were beginning to build the new ice rink in Kennedy Plaza in the middle of Providence, RI they couldn't get the bulldozers in because this fat Buddhist guy had set up shop in the middle of the land they were going to use and wouldn't leave. And him and his followers were generally making a nuisance of themselves, at times almost coming to blows with the townspeople. Eventually, though, they were able to sort out their differences in a meeting which has become known as the Buddha Pest Rink War Tete.

[Skelji]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[Zenster]

A guy named Paul Larr was obsessed with getting the best blowjob on earth. He traveled from city to city and would always hear of this incredible sword swallower from the far east.

He determined that this was the place to go and saved up his money for a trip to the orient.

First stop was Honk Kong, the source of all the rumors. After searching for days he finally runs into a pimp who seems to know about this woman.

"A midget, right? Waist high and no teeth with lips like Mick Jagger?" Paul Larr, could only nod in delight knowing that he had finally found her at last. "Sure." Says the pimp, "She's down at Hong Fing's bar on the Kowloon wharf."

After threading through several back alleys and getting totally lost three times, finally they arrive at Hong Fing's bar.

Paul walks into the place, and sure enough, sitting on the end of the bar, there she is. Her lips stuck out three inches in front of her face, there could be no mistaking this. The words still ring in my ears.

"Step into my fly." Said Paul Larr as he spied her.

[dougie_monty]

Just after the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963, the fad of elephant jokes was winding down. One elephant joke was :
Q. How did the elephant get into the basement of the Dallas Police Station?
A. They didn't know he was there.
This, of course, is a swipe at the Dallas Police for allowing Jack Ruby to carry a gun into the station and go down to the basement to shoot Lee Harvey Oswald before Oswald could go to trial.
Shortly after this I met a Spanish teacher at my older brother's high school. I told him the elephant joke and he rendered it into Spanish. I can't raise the accent on one word, but the teacher said, in an alternate answer for this, "Tuvo rubies en sus ojos."
He said that meant, "Because he had Rubies in his eyes."

[dougie_monty]

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.
No, not Tom Waits. I found it in a book titled 10,000 Jokes, Stories and Toasts--published originally in the 1930s. (I like that toast, incidentally. :))
I saw a bumper-sticker on a car obviously driven by a Star Wars fan, reading,
"Metaphors Be with You."
I was working with a carpenter; I nearly knocked a coffee cup over at a donut counter. He said that was a "counter-fit."
Another French pun:
In a second-year French book, there was a story about the characters--The "Dejarnacs"--in a park (parc); the second part of the story read, "DANS LE PARC, Suite."
One of the characters was a sister (sœur) of the other.
In a discarded copy of the book, I wrote at that point, "Suite et Sœur Parc." :D

[Lucki Chaarms]

Prepare to weep with laughter:

Ralph Nader Facial Scrub: Apply Liberally.

[Pucky Schumer]

True story of the pun that got away.
I knew a guy who worked at some sort of wastewater treatment plant. In attempting to explain what he did, he made a distinction between sludge and slurry. From what I could make of it, it appeared that the slurry was discarded. So I asked him:
So, sludge means never having to save your slurry.
Everyone nodded and went back to work.

[Pucky Schumer]

Another one I heard recently on TV, might have been the History Channel:
They're having a wake for dear Paddy O'Donovan. Everyone comes from miles around to see Paddy laid out in the parlor of his house, his coffin propped up on a set of chairs. The house is packed, and in the kitchen, where the men are gathering to smoke their pipes, it becomes quite crowded. So some of the men go into the parlor and take Paddy's coffin and prop him up against the wall. They take the chairs into the kitchen so they can sit and continue conversing.

Father Murphy comes in and is horrified to see the deceased propped up against the wall instead of being laid out dignified and all. So he storms into the kitchen to see where the chairs are. He sees the men sitting around, and he bellows:

"Give me three chairs for the deceased."
And they bellow back:
"Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray.

[matt_mcl]

Three squires come back from the crusades, and as tribute for their bravery they have acquired lovely new saddles of the hides of exotic beasts... Squire Robin has a saddle made from the skin of a giraffe, and Squire Alfred has a saddle made from the skin of a tiger... but as Squire Bartholomew weighs as much as the other two put together, he has to have a specially constructed saddle made from hippo skin...

the moral of this story is:

the squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two hides.

[Mercutio]

Never put the horse before Decartes.

[Tygr]

A farmer is having a terrible problem with some pesky birds - they keep building their nests in his horse's mane. He tries all sorts of different remedies to get them to stop - ammonia, saltpeter, saltpaul, nothing works!

But one day he grabs a box of yeast from his kitchen counter and spreads it all over the little birds and their nests. Amazingly, that does the trick. The birds leave and don't come back. Which proves the old saying:

"Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

[donkeyoatey]

I hate sea-birds and have taken a vow to leave no tern unstoned.

[dougie_monty]

Roy Rogers bought a fancy pair of hiking boots. But one day he left them in the yard, and a hungry mountain lion wandered down from the mountains and started gnawing on them. Roy chased it away. A few days later the animal appeared again when Roy and Dale were both in the yard.
Dale asked:
"Pardon me, Roy--is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[iampunha]

<———— I have nothing to add to this thread:D

[Reeder]

The Icelandic communist was out on his porch watching the clouds..says to his wife..

"It's going to rain.."

She replies...

"No it isn't.."

He glared at her and said icily..

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

[simply_cats]

My Mom (love that woman) will inevitably say "I don't see any trains, but I can still see their tracks!" whenever coming to a railroad crossing. The nut must not have fallen very far from the tree, because the other day my daughter was demonstrating her musical talents, to which I stated
"Katrina, you maraca my world"

Those who know my know that I frequently crack myself up.

[rowrrbazzle]

The dominatrix paddled all her clients. She would leave no stern untoned.

That fish inside the piano is the piano tuna. It makes good money because it gets paid scale.

Vague memories of a Frederic Brown story:

The male deer looked at the female and thought, Why shouldn't a lucky buck try to make a little doe? ... As he tried to romance her, she said, "No, no, a dozen times no!" He whispers "Only a doezen? My deer, think of the fawn you'll have."

[MrO]

During high school days, my friend and I were having an extended pun contest. His older sister looked up from her Latin book, and sniffed, "The pun is the lowest form of humor."

My friend, without missing a beat: "And you are the lowest form of human."

[dougie_monty]

Q. What did the French dairyman say when his milk curdled?
A. Quel fromage. :D

[Lute Skywatcher]

Originally posted by AuraSeer
Here's a long one, from the old Dr. Demento radio show. I'm doing this from memory, so forgive me if I miss anything.

::snip::


"Wet Dream" by Kip Adotta.

[mongrel_8]

Here is one that I read recently but didn't get, so maybe someone could explain it to me: It is well known that throughout Central Europe that members of William Tell's family were early devotees of league bowling. They had sponsors and everything. According to historians, though, the records have been lost, so nobody knows for whom the Tells bowled.

[Lute Skywatcher]

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls..."

Didn't see this posted earlier, so I will now:

Car Talk credits (http://www.cartalk.cars.com/About/credits.html)

[Erika]

Okay...since it's living again...bad, mathy puns...

What's purple and commutes?
An abelian grape.

What's yellow and equivalent with the axiom of choice?
Zorn's Lemon.

What spits and is equivalent with the axiom of choice?
Zorn's Llama.

During World War II, the Germans were holding several Polish prisoners on a base with an airfield. One of the prisoners managed to make it to the airfield, sight unseen, and got himself into one of the airplanes. He was working on figuring out the controls, when he was dicovered. He surrendered, saying, "I am but a simple Pole in a complex plane."

[panamajack]

mongrel_8 -- Amazingly, new evidence concerning the Tells' bowling was recently discovered on the formerly Swiss Isle of Neumann (yes, Neumann is an island, entire of itself). It seems that owing to the heroic service performed for the country by the great hero Wilhelm (aka William), the Tells were granted free rights to bowl in any alley of the country they so desired.

Therefore never send to know for whom the Tells bowled; they bowled for free ...


Now that that's Donne, here's some more mathematical ones :


It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi.
That one was copied from Thirteen Misunderstandings in the History of Mathematics (http://www2.hmc.edu/~dgibson/math.html)


After Noah's ark finally came to a rest and he opened it up, he released the animals back on to the earth and admonished them, "Go forth and multiply!"
The animals were eager to get out of the cramped boat and quickly spread out. However, a few days later two snakes came back to Noah's camp with glum expressions on their faces.
"What's the problem?" asked Noah. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply!"
"Well, we'd like to, but we can't, you see," replied one of the snakes. "We're adders, and we can't multiply!"


Noah felt sorry for the couple and took them into his home. Time passed, and he tried to bring them as much comfort as possible. One day, as a gift, he presented them with a wooden table he had made. It wasn't much, just made from crudely sawn logs, but he hoped they would enjoy it.
A short while later, he saw the Mr. & Mrs. Adder walking around with little snakes of their own! They rushed up when they saw Noah, and said, "Oh thank you so much! You've given us a log table, and now we can multiply!"



A few years after the fall of Soviet Communism, there was a tourism boom in the previously closed countries and many airlines began offering service to parts of Eastern Europe. Aside from a few problems with the increased traffic at the airports, everything went well except for flights into Warsaw. It seemed that many planes would arrive fine, but crash just after takeoff from the Warsaw airport. Perplexed as to what could be causing the problem they analyzed the flight paths, plane maintenance, the weather, everything, but no one could figure out just what could be the problem.

Finally a man called the offices of the airline and asked, "I hear you are having problems with your airplanes. I think I can help." The management of the airline was reluctant to reveal anything to him until he identified himself as a retired engineer who had worked for the Soviet airlines. They decided to give him a shot at the problem, thinking maybe he knew something about the Warsaw airport they had overlooked.

So they invited him to a meeting with their analysts and engineers, and as soon as he arrived they began asking him questions -- Was it the runway? the winds? the plane structure, or what? Naturally they were suprised when he asked for, of all things, a list of where all the passengers were seated. Then he asked for a diagram of how the seats were laid out in the aircraft. He looked at the list for a few seconds, then at the diagram, and muttered, "Yes, here's the problem."
One of the analysts asked, "What is it? You think the weight of the passengers affected it? But we checked that already."
"No," the man replied, "there is nothing wrong with that. But I see here that some of these people on the plane were Polish, and they were sitting on this side --" and here he pointed at the diagram of the airplane, "-- and when you have Poles on the right-hand side of the plane, it's bound to be unstable."

[dougie_monty]

From Allan Sherman's song The Ballad of Harry Lewis (a parody of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"):
I
I'm singing you the ballad of a great man of the cloth
His name is Harry Lewis and he worked for Irving Roth
He died while cutting velvet on a hot July the Foth
His cloth goes shining on!
II
Oh, Harry Lewis perished in the service of his Lord
He was trampling through the warehouse where the Drapes of Roth are stored
He had the finest funeral the union could afford
His cloth goes shining on! :D
Another pun from French, from that same textbook:
The book was listing French words which have become incorporated into English, and included the question:
"Are you a conoisseur of fine food?" (Italics in original.)
In my discarded copy of the book I wrote after that question, "No, I always throw it into the sseur."
We were watching a segment of This Old House and they mentioned the use of granite blocks for something. I commented, "Don't take me for granite!"

[DMark]

Originally posted by AuraSeer
Here's a long one, from the old Dr. Demento radio show. I'm doing this from memory, so forgive me if I miss anything.



You did that whole thing from memory?!?!?
Sounds a little fishy to me.

If I ever get on the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" show, can I use you as a lifeline?!

[ianzin]

I can't stand those Lassie movies. They're just soft paw corn.

[dougie_monty]

When I was in the 5th grade, in 1959, the TV series 77 Sunset Strip (snap, snap) was popular. Part of the program's appeal was the parking-lot attendant "Kookie", played by Edd Byrnes. Byrnes had a book about Kookie published, with things in it like "Kookie Talk" ("beat your feet," meaning to run; "beat your teeth," meaning to talk too much).
One classmate brought the book into class. The teacher saw it, confiscated it and tore it up, saying, "That's the way the Kookie crumbles." :D

[dougie_monty]

Q. What's green and slimy and has a talk show?
A. Okra Winfrey.

[Doubting Robert]

The zombie pun thread has risen again!