Contribute Your Atheist Holiday Songs!

[Eve]

One of the things that sucks about being an atheist is we get no holidays, no songs. Here's one I came up with on Saturday while the Shop Rite was pounding Xmas carols into my noggin:

Have yourself a godless little Christmas,
Let's both you and I
Do things that will make the baby Jesus cry.
Have yourself a godless little Christmas,
Jews and Muslims, too—
Carl Sagan would have been real proud of you!
Once again, as in pagan days,
Those pre-Reagan days of yore—
Faith-filled friends who now cross our eyes
They will proselytize no more.
One day soon we'll be free of religions, if our fates allow.
Till then, let's hang Chick tracts from the highest bough!
And have yourself a godless little Christmas, now . . .

I know we have a lot of good song parodists at the SDMB. Anyone else got any contributions? We can all go caroling this year . . .

[norinew]

As you may know, I'm a believer, but hubby's not. Seeing as hubby isn't good at this kind of thing, I thought I'd help him out and contribute:

What child is this
Who laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
It ain't the Messiah,
He don't exist
No angels watch are keeping

This, this is just a child
There is no God, no Mercy mild
Haste, haste, denounce all faith
He's just another baby!


Or maybe:

Now rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Fundies belief will see to it
We don't work on this day

We don't need saved from Satan's pow'r
He's not real anyway!
Oh, tidings of egg nog and gifts
Egg nog and gifts
Oh, tidings of egg nog and gifts

[Revtim]

Her comes Carl Sagan! Here comes Carl Sagan!
Right down Demon-Haunted lane!
Religion and ETs and all his pet peeves
are pulling on his chain!
People are praying, hymm singing;
inciting Carl to the fight
burn your stockings and forget your prayers,
'Cause Carl Sagan is right!

[GKW]

Would those dogs barking to carolling melodies count?

[welby]

Not my best effort, but I've always had trouble doing a parody of a Christmas song unless it's dirty and involves Santa giving head. Give it time. I'll do another.

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

O come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
O come ye, O come ye to Welby's house
Come and behold me
Faithless hater of angels

O come let us abhor him,
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us abhor him,
He rejects the Lord


Sing choirs of Fundies
Sing in exhortation
Oh sing all ye citizens, ye lovers of holiday sales
Glory to Wal-Mart!
It's time to buy our presents!


O come let us abhor them,
O come let us abhor them.
O come let us abhor them,
They reject the Lord


Yeah Lord we greet thee
Born this happy morning
ANd now all the presents are given
Little Johnny's stocking's missing
Now in his room appearing


O come let us eat turkey,
O my our faith is murky,
O the kids new toys don't work-ee,
Christ where's the receipt,
Christ from which store?

[lieu]

Let us break wind together on our knees, (on our knees)
Let us break wind together on our knees. (on our knees)
When I fall on my knees and jar loose a rather big 'un,
O Lord, have mercy on me.

Let us guz wine together on our knees, (on our knees)
Let us guz wine together on our knees. (on our knees)
When I fall on my knees and barf to the rising sun,
O Lord, have mercy on me.

Let us press bods together on our knees, (on our knees)
Let us press bods together on our knees. (on our knees)
When I fall on my knees with my face to your rising moon,
O Lord, pretty pretty pretty please.

[drewbert]

There goes Santa Claus
There goes Santa Claus
Back up to the North Pole
I think he's gettin'
Kinda sick and tired
Of hauling all that coal!
When he gets home
He'll unplug the phone
Or maybe play some golf,
And next year don't be too surprised
When Santa takes Christmas off!

[panache]

"Wreck the malls with cows on Harley's,
Fa la la la la, La la la la"

-Not my own creation, but a Holiday classic none the less

[Revtim]

One of my favorite MAD articles of my youth was one of Christmas Carol parodies. This thread makes me want to search for it on my Totally MAD CD ROMS.

[slortar]

Every day's a holiday for us atheists. Wheeeee!

[Shodan]

Oh come, all ye faithless,
Joyless and triumphant,
Oh come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem.

Come and reject Him,
There's no King or angels,

Oh come let us ignore Him,
Oh come let us ignore Him,
Oh come let us ignore Him,
Christ, I'm bored.

Regards,
Shodan

[SCSimmons]

Reading this thread, I've come to the conclusion that there's a good reason that there are no atheist holiday songs. :D

[Khadaji]

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Enjoy the Channaka too
I don't believe in your religion
But I don't begrudge those who do

We're a religion-tolerant nation
For our founders that what it was about
So enjoy your traditions and celebration
Let's leave the hating out

[dwyr]

How's about a few choruses of "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"?

[Tenar]

"walla walla wash and a kalamazoo!"

And unless "capitalism" counts as a religion, Christmas is ALREADY an atheist holiday in the U.S.

[Tenar]

Originally posted by dwyr
How's about a few choruses of "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"?

(When my little brother used to sing it, it used to come out, quite innocently, as "Deck the Halls with Balls of Charley.")

[don't ask]

And I'd like to wish everyone in this thread an expensive Christmas and another New Year.

[MsRobyn]

Dashing through the snow
In a two-door Chevrolet...

Robin

[Hamlet]

Jingle Hells

Painting with broad brush
In a thread of mockery
Why not rip apart
Anyone who believes

Look, I'm so funny
I can mock tee hee
I'm so much better
Than those who aren't like me.

[Baker]

You better watch out
Now don't you be lax,
Or you'll be appearing in his next fax
Freddie Phelps is coming to town.

He's making a list
Or so he will tell
For each one in Heaven there's a billion in Hell
Freddie Phelps is coming to town.

He sees you drinking whiskey,
He knows you order wine
He's got a personality that's strictly border line....

He bosses all his children
They're scared to leave his homes
He'd serve them all some Kool-Aid
That was bottled by Jim Jones



There was more but I can't find all the words. I've got them on a sheet somewhere. A friend wrote it but he passed away several years ago, and I still miss him.

[Xixox]

Christ's nuts roasting on an open fiiiiiire...

oh man... I can't believe I wrote that... I can't possible post it... no! get away from the Submit button! no! DON'T CLI

[Tapioca Dextrin]

Rudolf with your nose so bright
Won't you be my slave tonight?

OK OK I know, but can anyone fill in the rest of the song?

[cichlidiot]

Well let's see,

Good, kind atheist looked 'round
at the other heathens,
Gathered at his house in town
with some happy pagans.
Gaily did they feast and sing
though it was the yule,
'cause the season also means
there's no work or schoo-oo-l!

or,

Immersed in a good book,
the atheist read.
No guilt or shamefulness
laid at his sweet head.
The bust of Carl Sagan
looked down from the shelf.
This skeptical person,
at peace with himself.

Be near him please reason
he asks thee to stay,
close by him forever,
not get in the way.
Of kindness and morals,
yes, he has those, too...
and unlike Jack Chick,
accepts you for you.:p

[welby]

Originally posted by Tapioca Dextrin
Rudolf with your nose so bright
Won't you be my slave tonight?

OK OK I know, but can anyone fill in the rest of the song?

How's this?

Rudolph, the red nosed pony boy
Had a 3 foot long dick - yo!
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

All of the other pony boys
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any pony boy games

Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your dick so bright
Won't you be my slave tonight?"

Then all the pony boys were jealous
'Cause Rudolph got to shower in pee
Rudolph the big dicked pony boy
You'll go down on the Easter Bunny




I'm going to hell.

[Mort Furd]

How about "Christmas at ground zero" from Weird Al?

[Anubis]

slortar, I have no idea why, but I would like to use your comment as a sig. May I?

[slortar]

Knock yourself out. Wow, I feel like I'm part of an exclusive club now. It's almost like free advertising or something. :)

[Anubis]

Goodie!