Ok. I Give. Who *Are* These People Sending Out Holiday Letters?

[Igloo]

Yup; got one yesterday. Chalk it up to me really questioning who's the nutball here. And I quote:

"It is so gratifying for me to be able to write year after year and tell you of our accomplishments, especially when I know so many of you are not doing as well as we are."

What. The. Fuck.

Especially frustrating is that this is from a somewhat distant friend and I can't jump on the horn to do a sanity check with other recipients.

Does she really believe that's inoffensive? Is it really inoffensive? It amazes me to no end the amount of detail I have received from she and others in this Happy Holidays! garbage. Do I need to know graphic details about the delivery? Does anyone enjoy getting this shit?

I realize that path has probably been done ad naseum, but please indulge:

Dear [everyone I can dig up from the past 30 years of my life]:

Well, I still haven't graduated from college but hope to someday before my fortieth birthday. As some of you may remember, I procrastinate about everything and this has proved a real challenge for me turning in assignments on time. I think we can scrape together the $1600 it's going to cost for my next semester.

The dog is doing great, we switched her to solid Science Diet and her poops are really, really firm and healthy. She vomits once in a while but it's usually just a big clump that's easy to pick up with paper towels.

I still am a rotten cook and our dinners usually consist of pizza or Beefaroni. Sometimes I just rinse the bowl with no soap and hang it to dry.

My brother-in-law did, in fact, show up to the wedding and it turned out that his fiance didn't know he was planning on staying out the two nights before the nuptials. It was just one of those communication errors.

I'd love to fill you in on other family members but it's difficult to keep my estragements straight. I think I'm speaking to my parents but am not sure about my sister until I know if she accepts my apology.

Here's for a great holiday. Best to all,

Igloo

[MissTake]

LOL, you're a much kinder person than I, igloo.
An old college "friend" sent me what could've been the same letter-the "We're doing WONDERFULLY, I am sorry to hear you aren't"
I responded with a nice, thorough, fuck you and the horse you rode in on letter. I do believe I used the phrase "self-absorbed uppity bitch" once or twice.

I won't even comment on what I did to the distant not-quite relative who year after year sent us a card, with all of our names spelled wrong-on computer stick ons. She couldn't even butcher our names in her own pen.

[Ferret Herder]

An old boss of mine used to send out Christmas cards with small personalized messages to his employees, which was nice to get. I found out that for the employees who his wife had known for longer (I hadn't been working there long), she would enclose one of these letters. It would go into rants about abortion and other similar topics - gee, what a nice holiday message! :eek:

[Soul Brother Number Two]

You have got to be kidding me, Igloo. Send it back with a used tampon stuck to it, or a picture of animal porn you scanned off the Net, or maybe you could mutilate the picture that was sent, if there was one, or something. She'll get the picture. Wow.

[Legomancer]

Some friends of mine have a friend we'll call Joe, who was dating a girl named, we'll say, Betty. Dating pretty heavily - engaged at one point, I think. Joe and Betty came to visit them and none of us were that impressed with her, but what the hell, she made Joe happy.

That Christmas, my friends get a Christmas letter from Betty. Now, they'd met this person once, for a couple of days, and only through Joe, but they got on the list. First time they'd had any contact with her since the visit.

They read the letter to me and it was incredible. It was this recounting of all the wonderful things Betty had done that year, and what a great person she was for doing them. However, nearly every paragraph had something to do with her falling out with a friend. Seriously, over and over the anecdotes would end with her and some friend parting ways and how said it was, but she supposed it was for the best. She lost at least four different friendships during the letter.

Add another one when I noticed that Joe - her boyfriend and fiance - wasn't mentioned AT ALL. Not a single drop of his name. I think he noticed as well; they aren't together anymore.

But people send these things out. Presumably they'd like getting one. Seems to me that if you have to recount your whole year to someone to catch them up, are they that close of a friend?

[Lute Skywatcher]

One of my sisters does the yearly letter thing as well but she's not condescending about it. Much of it is just MPSIMS but it's family MPSIMS and I don't get to see her little family that often. By the time I first saw her kids both of them had started school already.

[andros]

Does anyone enjoy getting this shit?

Yes. I like to hear about what's happenning in the lives of my friends and family. That's because I care about them. Sure, I've likely talked to them at some point during the year, but as one gets older, one starts to realize that it's remarkably easy to fall out of touch with people.

We read into things what we choose to. I assume that the people sending me letters are not trying to gloat, ridicule, or insult--and therefore, I don't see any gloating, ridicule, or insult in their letters.

:shrug: Use the letter to start a nice cozy fire. Then move on with your life.

[Igloo]

To clarify: I don't have any issue with the MPSIMS letter that just fills people in on the goings-on. But holy fuckhairs, some of the condescending crap that comes out of these letters is really mind-boggling. Abortion? In a holiday letter? Or something that could be miscontrued for a journal -- excuse me, locked-diary w/barbed wire-and-savage-bloodhounds-protecing-it -- entry?

[andros]

(As a clarification, Igloo, I'm not saying that your "friend" is not a complete asshole. She is.)

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

UN-believable. I suppose they meant it to read like "We know we should be thankful for our good fortune" but it reads like "We're better than you losers" which I suspect is how they really feel. They don't realize how telling their choice of words is.

I'd send one back that said something like "It's so gratifying to be able to write a letter that has enough class to avoid gloating, especially when it's clear that some of you have so much trouble with this concept."

One of my friends sends a long holiday letter each year and in it he not only gives news but also reflects on the stuff he's done. For example, he wrote about how his trip to Belize made him change his worldview, and explained why he chose the medical residency that he did. I love his letters because they are thoughtful and interesting and his real self comes through.

[Igloo]

Right -- Andros and Cranky (is it ok if I call you Cranky?) I totally get your point about some of them being informative and welcome. Quite frankly, *I've* definitely received musings that I thought were delightful and not at all self-congratulatory or obnoxious. I don't think I'm a glass is half empty kinda gal and know that I don't whip out the pessimisstic-ometor when I read this...umm...shit. It's just that some of it *is* so blatantly over-the-top and inappropriate. In my eyes, anyway.

[betenoir]

May I suggest "Season's Greeting" by David Sedaris (from Holiday on Ice)?

[andymurph64]

ROFL. My experience is the opposite of yours.

When I was growing up, I had a friend named Bill. He wasn't really a friend but was a friend of my friends. We didn't really like each other but tolerated each other. Oh, I'll be honest, we didn't like each other at all.

I started getting these Christmas letters from him every year. He moved to a city far away. They were NOT 'we are doing wonderfully' letters but letters of pure human tragedy written in a very high spirited, positive and very religious way. You know, the "God has a plan and this is a test we all passed with flying colors and it's all for the best my little Angie died..." attitude.

No matter how bad you thought your year was, this brought home that it wasn't that bad. Accidents, children getting very sick and dying, unemployment, suicide in near family, etc. It was grueling getting through them.

A few years ago they stopped.

Based on previous letters, I assume they are all dead.

[Dumbguy]

My rule of thumb is that anyone that sends me boilerplate is not my friend. If you can't give up 20 minutes of your life to write me a letter, why should you expect I'll give up 20 minutes of mine to read one?

[Kyla]

Originally posted by betenoir
May I suggest "Season's Greeting" by David Sedaris (from Holiday on Ice)?

AHH you beat me!

It's in his short essay/story collection Holidays on Ice and is fucking hilarious! Go forth and read.

[Igloo]

Andymurph I was a mess just then reading your post. Your phrasing was just so damn funny, but I had inner guilt at laughing.

[andymurph64]

I know exactly what you mean Igloo

[Alto]

I think the rule of thumb when writing these letters is, "Am I telling them this because they'll want to know it, or because I want to tell it?"

[gazpacho]

Originally posted by Dumbguy
My rule of thumb is that anyone that sends me boilerplate is not my friend. If you can't give up 20 minutes of your life to write me a letter, why should you expect I'll give up 20 minutes of mine to read one? My rule of thumb is to not be so picky about correspondence from my friends.

[Igloo]

Originally posted by gazpacho
My rule of thumb is to not be so picky about correspondence from my friends.

Oh, lighten up. And I mean that respectfully.

There are two issues going on:

1) The receipt of pleasant, welcome, enlightening, informative prose during the Holiday Season, and

2) The receipt of obnoxious, self-congratulatory, alarmingly detailed, and overall poorly written notes from hell during the Holiday Season.

I completely agree that hearing from friends is wonderful, if those friends are normal, and my intention for the thread is to bitch and whine about those who send No. 2 (no pun intended) above. No more, no less.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Igloo, I gotcha. I know you're not whining about those letters in general. I think some of us are responding to other comments in the thread, too, so not all remarks are directed to the OP.

[Truth Seeker]

"It is so gratifying for me to be able to write year after year and tell you of our accomplishments, especially when I know so many of you are not doing as well as we are."

Come now, Igloo, why are you upset? This person has just given you one of the best gifts you'll receive this holiday season. I, mean, really, how often does someone say something to you so outrageous that it passes from the realm of the offensive to the hilarious? Admit it -- this letter is going to have an honored place in your holiday scrapbook!

There's only one thing to do here -- inaugurate a new SDMB holiday tradition. Scylla, write us a Christmas letter!

[capybara]

Ok, question-- which is more annoying? Receiving a printed letter (meaning that several people got the same letter/ information) from a friend that, while you are fond of each other, is busy with school or job and lives 1000 miles away-- this letter explains what's happened over the past year-- went on a trip to Europe, got a parrot, have been improving in surfing, passed qualifying exams, planning a trip to X for next spring. . . and a card that has a more personalized message of about 10-20 lines. . . OR a card handwritten with handwritten envelope from the same friend that says, "Happy holidays"? Why is it that the latter seldom gets ranted about but people are always pissy about the former?

[capybara]

Or, let me clarify. . . this isn't the thing people are bitching about is it? Maybe I'm overly idealistic, so tell me-- that first quote in the OP-- is that verbatim? Really? God. No wonder. So does anyone have a beef with a less (unitentionally?) pompus letter? Is the content or the 'you aren't really my friend' thing?

(I ask as I'm currently writing one of these things-- many of its recipients will be people who know what I'm (or husband is) up to in part but various people know different stuff so this gets everyone up to speed (such as one of our Dutch friends, who we know through my husband's bike career, who we visited and he asked "so why on earth can you speak Dutch, anyway? Are your parents Dutch or something?" He had no idea I was a grad student or studied Dutch art-- he just knew I liked bicycles and beer).)

[Futile Gesture]

Are you sure that the letter wasn't meant to be amusing? A parody? That would be my first thought on reading the first line. Imagine you read it in "The Onion", would you have any trouble believing you're not suppose to take it seriously?

[Igloo]

Yes, the quote was verbatim, and no, I don't think it was meant (intentionally) as amusing. I'd like to say that this particular friend is an anomoly but I've received other notes that have been as bad (not this year so far).

Capybara, I don't know if you're really looking for advice or anything but, quite frankly, from the small amount that you've described about your life, *I'd* like to receive your greeting. Sounds interesting. I think if you have any concerns about it being A Holiday Letter From Hell (which I totally doubt), just ask a friend to review it ahead of time who will be totally honest with you.

[Kepi]

I just received one of these from one of my closest friends. He sends one every year, and up until this year, I typically enjoyed reading them. However, circumstances in my life have changed dramatically this year and this time it really bothered a part of me.

Background: I've been laid off three times in the last two years and my partner lost his job after Sept 11. The financial burden has been tremendous for us, and there are times when keeping our heads above water is a struggle. Because my friend's partner is incredibly successful in his professional life, they are pretty well set financially. While I hope it's unintentional, my friend's letters always seem to subtley convey just how successful they are. I guess this year, it just sort of hit home.

Because I love my friend dearly, I would never tell him that his letters are offensive to me. And I suppose that for the most part, they aren't really. Nor do I think he even realizes just how they could come across. But rather than letting any resentment build inside of me, I hope you all will allow me to respond to my friend here. You know, one of those theraputic exercises where you write a letter that you never intend to send.

Dear friends,

It was so wonderful receiving your letter detailing all the events of your year. It sounds as though 2002 was exciting and fruitful for you.

Your new house with five bedrooms, pool and riding stables sounds fabulous. God willing, we'll be able to hold on to our own house for a few more months. Thanks to the generosity of our families, we've been able to make our house payments for the last several months. But that well may be running dry for us and we're not sure how much longer we will be able to stave off foreclosure.

Your trips to Tahiti, Cabo San Lucas and the French Riviera must have been fantastic. But don't think we didn't do some travelling ourselves! In the spring, KepiPartner's sister paid for us to go on an overnight trip to Shreveport, where we actually won a couple hundred bucks in one of the casinos! Helped make one of the car payments, it did! In July, KepiPartner's brother asked us to accompany his family on a two day-trip to the Texas coast at his expense. It was enjoyable and relaxing, and it let us save a little on grocery expenses that month. And just last week, as a Christmas present to ourselves, we drove up to Oklahoma City to attend a concert. However, due to a shortage in funds, we weren't able to overnight there, so we drove back home the same night,

Overall, I'd say this year is comparable to the last couple. Thankfully, all our friends and family are still with us and we're still in pretty good health (although the stress is beginning to take its toll!) Here's hoping great success for us all in the coming year.

Love,
Kepi and KepiPartner

PS: If you should purchase any large appliances in the next few months, could you please hold onto the cardboard boxes? They may prove to be useful for us should the mortgage company come knocking.


I'm not bitter. Really.

[Cat Whisperer]

Kepi, I know exactly how you feel. Hubbo and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now financially, and when my best friend called and told me she got a $1500 Christmas bonus from a company that is paying her double what mine is paying me, I was happy for her. At least, I was really, really trying to be happy for her.

As for Christmas letters, my, well, let's call it a decision, to never keep in touch with anyone is looking like the popular choice.:)