Share your clever/funny colloquialisms

[guitarmax_99]

A ways back I was hanging out with a friend of mine, and we were trying to be quiet so as not to wake up the baby sleeping in the next room. He eventually had to go to the bathroom, which is right next to that room, and when I told him that he should do it quietly, he looked at me and said, "I'll be as quiet as a fieldmouse pissing on a cotton ball." This expression totally cracked me up, and I had to stifle my laughter so as not to wake the baby. Anyway, I asked him where he got this gem of a statement and he said he picked it up when he was stationed in the south (while he was in the army) and that's where he thinks it came from.

So, I got to thinking that there probably were other funny and (particularly) descriptive colloquialisms out there like this one. I'd like to hear some more! Anyone know any that they'd care to share?

[NinetyWt]

I love 'em. And we have many many wonderful ones:

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit !!"
"We're cookin' with gas, now."
"Busy as a one-armed paper hanger."
"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted."
"That dog won't hunt."
"He got all wrapped around the axle about that."
"This gravy's so good it'll make a puppy pull a train."
"Naw, it's so good it'll make you slap yo grandma."
"I'll be dipped in a bucket of shit !!"

Just to share a few ... ;)

[vertigo]

"Well tie my face to the side of a pig and roll me in the mud!"

or

"Bury me in an ant hill and smear my face with jam..."

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

"Well, solder my spleen vents shut and hang me a new frog!"

[Skeezix]

PSA: Working in a prison makes you really weird, kids.

And knowing is half the battle...

[Skeezix]

No. Wait. I've gotta know.

Is that actually some real bizarre injoke? I can't imagine the story behind it... but I'd love to know.

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

I have no idea what it means, skeezix. The patient who said it is a paranoid schizophrenic, and he was less than lucid that day. His explanation included phrases like "the overmind" and "dance with me" and something that sounded like "numerator hat". At that point I felt it more worthwhile to turn to more productive areas of the examination.

[Skeezix]

That'd be the proctological bit, yeah?

Seriously, though, I was thinking, "Venting one's spleen is generally what one does in the pit... P'raps he dealt with some patient or another with 'anger management issues' and told him to draw a picture of a frog, 'cause, well, the guy likes frogs, and that'll keep him from getting stuck in solitary every couple weeks for beating the snot out of some other prisoner or guard... And the clever phrase helped him remember this, like his own little mantra, mebbe..."

Sorry. Please forgive the highjack, guitarmax_99.

[actual relevance]
My wife and her stepfather use the old "beat you like a red-headed step-child" as a gag between the two of them. "I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch" has always tickled me.
[/actual relevance]

George Carlin: So I shit on my watch.

[NinetyWt]

That reminds me:

whupped like a borrowed mule
crazy as a run-over dog
I wouldn't f*ck her with YOUR d*ck ('scuse me)

[Ruby]

I'm finer than frogs hair.

[VunderBob]

When saying goodbye: "Don't stick any beans up your nose..."

[Eats_Crayons]

My SO, Sniffs_Markers, said that when she and her siblings were being nosey, her father used to say:
"Quizzy monkeys burn their noses..."

("Quizzy" being short for "inquisitive.")

[interface2x]

I wouldn't be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole.

[Wisest Novel]

My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

If I was any better, I'd have to be twins.

That's as pretty as a little red wagon going up a hill.




OK, I'm off like a prom dress, and out of here like a scalded dog.

[masonite]

"Well, slap the dog and spit in the fire."

(This must be pronounced "Dawg" and "Fahr" to be authentic.)

Then the one I learned from a Cecil book: "I wouldn't piss on his ass if his piles were on fire."

[Denis]

"I was sweatin' like a dog shittin' razor blades."

"Well. Fuck. Me. Runnin'."

"Stinks bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon."

"He has the attention span of a chicken on speed."

"That guy's twenty pounds of bullshit in a ten pound bag."

"That lasts about as long as a fart in a windstorm."

[brianjedi]

Here's a whole bunch of them:

"on him like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat"
"wigglin' like a worm on a hot board" (stole this one from NASCAR legend Buddy Baker, when describing a race car)
"whipped him like a rented mule"
"fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch"
"not the sharpest crayon in the box"

(Note: to be used with Southern accent)

-brianjedi

[Bullwinkle]

He's just ate up with the dumbass!

[NinetyWt]

Nobody else catch this ??

I wouldn't be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole

The ten-foot Pole said he wouldnt' either !!!

yuk yuk :P

on being frightened: If I coulda' spit, my heart woulda gone with it
(I just can't quit ....)

[Zoe]

I've always heard "ten foot pole" used to indicate that you couldn't get anywhere close as in "You couldn't touch him with a ten foot pole."

Some of my favorites:

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater (meaning that you are overlooking something important)

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof (Hmmm...might be a good name for a play in there...)

[Enola Straight]

"That would've killed me to death."

or,

"That would've killed the life outta me."

[El_Kabong]

A few I've picked up over the years:

(Of a stuck-up woman) "She thinks she shits ice cream"

(of a skinny person) "He hasn't got enough fat on his ass to fry his ears"

"It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"

"It's darker than the inside of a cow tonight"

"I'm hornier than a three-balled tomcat"

[Ringo]

Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

Crazy as a shithouse rat.

Tighter than Dick's hatband.

Tighter than a gnat's ass.

[Brynda]

<raises hand> Oooo, I grew up in the south.....

That girl is short up and tall around.

That embarassed the water out of me.

Would you look at those steaks in that field! (said when admiring cows)

She was beat with an ugly stick.

(of an unpopular person) He had to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

He is so ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

I love regional speech.

[KRC]

A couple I heard when I was a kid:

"Put me in the Sahara and call me a prairie dog!"

"He's so low he has to climb a ladder to touch a snake's belly."

One I heard a few years ago:

"He's so dumb that if he saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor' he would."

[Ringo]

Now we're shittin' in high cotton.

[matt_mcl]

-SOME queen's on a SCHEDULE!

-Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, sweetie.

-Not I, said the cat.

-wanna-blessed-bes (to refer to poseur Wiccans)

-You aren't all that and a bag of potato chips. (Every consonant must be articulated very precisely for the full effect.)

[NinetyWt]

Zoe, I reckon I'm showing my age. That was a bad pun on the old TV show Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

And Ringo, we musta gone to diffrent' schools together. ;)

[Essured]

"like shit off a chrome shovel"

"goes like the powers of piss"

"as tight as a nun's nasty"

"sticks like shit to a wet blanket"

"uglier than a hatful of arseholes"

"that's one sperm that should've been swallowed"

"so ugly even the stick wouldn't touch her" (in response to the beaten hard with the ugly stick saying)

"Considering it's the Ford version..." (lesser quality version - car manufacturer joke)

[Roadwalker]

Describing my students on a Friday or close to a long break:
Hyper like moths on a porchlight.

[SandyHook]

Uglier (or dumber) than a bucket of butt holes.

[mandigordey]

I find as a Southern woman transplated to LA that the following comment just causes dropped jaws and dumb looks from these western yankees.

"Yall are so stupid that if I shoved your brain up a flies ass it would rattle like a beebee in a boxcar!!!".

[mandigordey]

You came out of the shallow end of the gene pool.

[Dread Pirate Jimbo]

Apparently my great-grandfather was fond of saying:

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.

[Sinyster1]

I'm gonna bounce back like rubber-maid

Everyone throw your hands in the air as if there were no repercussions

I'm out like a fat girl playing dodge ball...

[Somnambulist]

Frugality: ‘Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’
Perspiration: ‘Sweating like a rapist’
Smugness: ‘Like a dog with two d*cks’
Close shaves: ‘Missed it by a gnat’s c*ck’
Astonishment: ‘F*ck my old boots’ …(where did that come from??)
Gambling (disproportionate wins/losses): ‘Eat like a mouse, sh*t like an elephant’

[Pollo Boyo]

re: intellect
"Boy's about as sharp as a bag of wet gerbils."
"Not the quickest McNugget in the toolshed."

re: confrontation
"I'm gonna drop you like a prom dress."
"I'll ride you like a sled, b****!" Especially funny when spoken by a gentleman commonly referred to as 'Waffles'.

re: agrressive
"If you were any more of a tool, you'd have a lifetime warranty from Craftsman." -- I was saving that for a pit rant, but oh well.

[LouisB]

I'm gonna land on you like a duck on a June bug.

I'm gonna land on you like ugly on an ape.

I'm gonna land on you like white on rice.

[tanookie]

Hmm...

My father in law always says "we're off like a herd of turtles" whenever all of us are on the way somewhere.

My grandfather was fond of "kids cats dogs and women" as his "I'm exasperated" phrase

:)

[TheLoadedDog]

Very busy: Flat out like a lizard drinkin'.
Of a crazy person: A few 'roos loose in the top paddock.
Of an eccentric person ( a play on "a few cents short in the dollar"): The dollar's all there, but it's all in small change.
Of a frugal person: Tight as a fish's arse swimming upstream.
Of an unpopular person: 'bout as welcome as a fart in a lift.
Of bad food: Ya wouldn't feed that to a [insert derogatory term for member of nationality Australia has gone to war with] on ANZAC Day.
Curse: May yer chooks turn to emus, and kick ya dunny down!
Of an unattractive person: As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
Of a simple task: As easy as shitting in bed, and kickin' it out with yer left leg.
Of a bimbo: All tits and toenails like the barber's cat.
Of a disorganised person: Couldn't organise a root in a brothel.

[cybersnark]

"That sucks like a bucket full of ticks!"

Ewwwwwwwwwww!

[Go alien]

Originally posted by Somnambulist
Astonishment: ‘F*ck my old boots’ …(where did that come from??)


I use that one, and the polite company version: "Well, seduce my ancient footwear"

Dunno where it came from, I first heard in the RAF about 25 years ago.

[delini8r]

You can't polish a turd.

[Honey]

"Too poor to buy a louse a pair of leggings"
"I'm so poor, I can't afford to pay attention"
"As nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits"
"Colder than a witches tit"
"As dumb as a box of rocks"
"He has the brains of an ice cube"
"She's so ugly, she could stop an 8 day clock"
"She'd f*** a snake if it had ears to hang on to"

[minor7flat5]

That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Faster than goose shit through a tin horn.

Well, I'll be dipped in monkey shit!

[Jake]

Dumb: "Not the sharpest tool in the shed" or "One brick short of a full load"

Skinny: "He's so skinny he has to run around in the shower just to get wet!"

Old: "Older'n Water" (Or dirt) or "I may be old but I'll be around to piss on your grave!"

[lovelyluka]

How my boyfriend's brother spoke of his ex...

"She's so ugly, it looks like someone beat her face with a bag of nickels."

[bluecanary]

On sitting on a too-big chair: "Like a pea on a drum"

On shooting pool successfully: "Gently gently catch a monkey"

On not getting answers wrong in German lessons: "Don't be a duck-egg"

On Jenga: "It's gyrating like a disco diva"

[Toby-T]

colder than the shady side of a witch's tit in a brass bra doing push-ups in the snow.

hotter than a half-f#ck*d fox in a forest fire

two of my bro-in-laws favorites

[MSU 1978]

It's as dark as your pocket.

Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.

Busier than a one armed paper hanger with an itchy back.

[MSU 1978]

hotter than a two peckered billygoat.

[Ol'Gaffer]

Useless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
-or-
Useless as tits on a boar.

Slicker than toad snot.

That thing humps up like a show dog (in reference to a chainsaw hitting a knot).

Sweeter than sugar p*ssy.

Brynda - That girl is short up and tall around. That is great! I love it.

[NicePete]

When something is especially tasty: That's good enough to make you kick your grandmaw!

When rain is falling and the sun is shining at the same time: The devil's beating his wife

[jehovah68]

Along the lines of "Does a bear shit in the woods?" are two favorites:
Is a fat dog heavy?
Is a frog's ass water tight?

It's time to make like a fetus and head on out!

[Ol'Gaffer]

Originally posted by Frankd6
When something is especially tasty: That's good enough to make you kick your grandmaw!

<snip>



When I first saw this I read lick for kick. I thought it was disgusting but perhaps regionally appropriate. :D

[Super Gnat]

Tighter than a gnat's ass.
Close shaves: ‘Missed it by a gnat’s c*ck’

Hey!

My mother says the thing about the devil beating his wife.

[KRC]

Another one I remember: You ask someone if they're serious about something they just said, and they come back with:

"As serious as a bee sting and three heart attacks."

[guitarmax_99]

Good stuff...keep 'em coming. I found heard a translation of an idiomatic expression used in Russia that I thought I'd share while we were at it.

Meaning: "Mind your own business"

Idiom: "If you're not being F***ed, then stop wiggling your a$$"

(pardon the profanity folks)

[Berkut]

"It's hotter than two rats crackin' in a wool sock"

leaving: "I'm gonna make like a baby and head out"

[manx]

the only thing I can think of is

'thicker than pigsh*t'

-about the most derogatory thing I knew how to say when I was a kid. Also good for describing members of the ARC.

Likewise, 'dumber than a sack of hammers'.

My dad used to describe trying to make my brothers and I hurry up as 'herding Brown's cows'

[manx]

the only thing I can think of is

'thicker than pigsh*t'

-about the most derogatory thing I knew how to say when I was a kid. Also good for describing members of the ARC.

Likewise, 'dumber than a sack of hammers'.

My dad used to describe trying to make my brothers and I hurry up as 'herding Brown's cows'

[manx]

Eep! Dual posting. Seems the above applys to me as well.

[Aro]

..."You've got a bake on ya like a lurgan spade.."

"...Getawaydafug ya wee gat. Who'd ya fink y'are? Wee Slabber..."

"...Fer fuhsake catch yerself on ya fuggen goat ye..."

(Some of the above from here. (http://speaknorniron.8m.net/))

[MrMyth]

when you approve of something - That's just the cat's ass!

Insult - Girl's so skinny, you drop a quarter down her back, you get two at her heels. I never really understood that one.

Insult - Girl so skinny you could pick a lock with her thigh

Threat - Slap you into Sunday and be waiting for you on Monday.

[Tupug Anachi]

Heard this one in Dallas...

Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.

[NinetyWt]

Tupug Anachi: Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road
Brynda: That girl is short up and tall around
Jake: He's so skinny he has to run around in the shower just to get wet
and
I may be old but I'll be around to piss on your grave!
Honey: She'd f*** a snake if it had ears to hang on to
delini8r: You can't polish a turd
Dread Pirate Jimbo: Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first
Goo: that's one sperm that should've been swallowed
El_Kabong: He hasn't got enough fat on his ass to fry his ears
QtM: Well, solder my spleen vents shut and hang me a new frog

[rackman]

Hotter than a Georgia whore in church.

Do you smell what I'm steppin' in? (Do you know what I'm getting at?)

Dumber than a box of rocks.

[CritcalMass]

"the team folded like a cheap suitcase"

'Uglier than a dog with five legs"

"there's a face only a mother can love"

"she's a few fries short of a happy meal"

"about as useful as tits on a nun"

"so old he's got an autographed copy of the bible"

(in reference to getting screwed over or stabbed in the back) "at least kiss me before you f**k me next time"

"happier than a pig in sh*t"

[TwoOnes]

More money than a show dog could jump over.

Colder than a mother-in-laws kiss.

Hung like a stud field mouse.

Dumber than a piss clam.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.

Busier than a cat with three pu***s.

Taller than the pine trees.

Language so dirty it would put a nun into a coma.

So nasty you could make a hooker blush.

Her a$$ looks like two dogs fighting under a blanket.

Your eyes look like two piss holes in the snow.

Slower than old people fu%^ing.

[calm kiwi]

May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.

[Tupug Anachi]

My friend from Nebraska just supplied this deviation from the rocks one. She says it's her Irish Setter's nickname.

Dumber than a box of hair.

[seal_cleaner]

Said to my brother when he was modeling a tight pairs of pants -
"Your ass looks like two boys fighting under a blanket."
Said of someone breathing heavily -
"You sound like a fat man climbng a fence."

[YEP]

After a dinner with folks I had recently met,

"I'm as full as a whore in a no spittin' zone."

yikes, what was I thinking.

[Shirley Ujest]

Lack of Brains:

Dumber than a box of rocks.

He's got room temp IQ

Smarter than a pond full of Coi.

Exercize in futulity:

Like shoveling sand in the desert with a slotted spoon.

Like bailing out the rowboat while under the Niagara.

Shirley's Favorite So-Far

Tighter than a camels ass in a sandstorm.

(What a visual!)

[Politzania]

From my mother-in-law about someone who's fidgety/tossing & turning:

"Like a fart in a skillet"

[AskNott]

Fair, partly cloudy. (reply to How ya doin')

(On spotting a pretty woman) That's enough to make a young bulldog break his chain.

(On spotting a pretty woman) She's a wonder of nature, that one.

Close, but no see-gar. (Dad told me this came from carnival games where the prize was a cigar.)

Crazy as a stump-suckin' mare. (Folklore says wood-chewing horses are daft.)

(wimpish) He ain't got no hangy-downs.

(extremely fit) She's got a body you could rollerskate on.

(tumescence) So hard a cat can't scratch it.

Ass deep to a tall Indian.

That thing would turn on a dime and give you three cents change.

(small sports car) Room for your ass and a gallon of gas, and if your balls hung low, well, you lost 'em.

(people in a mad rush) It was all assholes and elbows.

[SparrowHawk]

Slower than molasses headed up hill. On the shady side of an iceberg going north. In January.

A face only a mother could love. Headed out the back door, on payday. Downhill. With a tailwind. (Really, really ugly)

Too pooped to pop. (tired)

My eyes feel like boiled onions in a snow bank. (too little sleep)

As useful as fins on a dicky bird's chest.

Fair is fair and pigs is pigs. (when someone isn't being fair)

Like five pounds of grapefruit in a three pound bag. (A well-endowed woman in a too small top)

[NinetyWt]

More ....

On futility: Like poundin' sand down a rat-hole.
On a deadbeat person: That feller ain't nuthin' but a waste of skin.
On wisdom: Done seen the elephant and heard the hoot owl.

[skittles]

My dad (rest his soul) was famous for saying "That'll go over like a fart in church" when something simply wasn't going to go over too well. It always made me giggle for some reason.

[japatlgt]

"Shinier than a diamond in a goat's ass!"

[TaxGuy]

"Does the Pope shit in the woods?" (combining "Does a bear shit in the woods?" with "Is the Pope Catholic?"; I think it's from "The Big Lebowski")

"Sweating like a whore in church"

On farting:

(said immediately after) "I must've stepped on a frog"

(on blame) "The smeller's the feller"

[GargoyleWB]

From some local sports commentators:

"He's as cool as the other side of the pillow"

(After a hard hit) "Felt that one in the crow's nest!"

[Ringo]

Money talks, bullshit walks.

[Labdad]

About people you should stay away from:

He/she is more trouble than ten miles of bad road.
He/she is as dangerous as a two-headed rattlesnake

[Hometownboy]

Darker than a black cat in a coal cellar at midnight.

She was so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Ford. (from the "tin lizzie' era).

You look like you was rode hard and put away wet.

[eenerms]

Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Doesn't know whether to scratch his butt or wind his watch.

[curly chick]

An ugly person
He/she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch

On seeing a good looking woman, a friend of mine says
"She would tighten the head on a brush"

[Tony Barber's Underwear]

My brother often says :
"Well shit a green brick and send it to the Salvation Army."
I'd like to know what that means one day.

- Bubba.

[Roadwalker]

I don't know exactly what this is a metaphor for:
A blind man
in a dark room
looking for a black cat
that isn't there

[jmalin]

Noiser than a mule in a tin shed.

Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.

(rather long)
So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.

More stubborn than a froze hog.

[7string]

How about:

That dog'll hunt (I saw the opposite)

He may be fat, but he sure is slow (don't really know what that's supposed to mean but it sure is funny)

Fuck me dead. (see the movie Welcome to Woop Woop)

Part my beef curtains (Welcome to Woop Woop again)

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Don't forget my sig (not a saying, I really want to you look at my sig)...

[kaylasdad99]

Originally posted by MrMyth
Insult - Girl's so skinny, you drop a quarter down her back, you get two at her heels. I never really understood that one.
It means that as the quarter rolled down the girl's back, her razor-thin spine would slice the coin along its edge.

[Electronic Chaos]

"That coffee's stronger'n tha law"
"I hafta piss like a racehorse"

[Phoebestar]

My boss' favorite (well, one of the few ones he'll say around me, on account of me being such a delicate female type):

"Smarter than a three-week-old baby pig."

[Timchik]

"thick as two short planks"
[ottawa valley]
threatening: "I'll show you where the bear shit in the buckwheat"
[/ottawa valley]

[jsc1953]

Slicker'n puppy shit.
In a three-pronged tizzy. (in a state of agitated distress)
Running around with your hair on fire, putting it out with a hammer.
Putting a fine edge on a marshmallow (used in a business context--trying to estimate the un-estimatable).

[jsc1953]

He couldn't find his ass with both hands & a flashlight.

[jsc1953]

He couldn't organize a one-car funeral.

[jsc1953]

Trying to nail Jell-o to the wall (very similar to putting an edge on a marshamallow).

[Sunshine]

My hubby's father used to say "That's about as smart as a fart in a bathtub." He was from Nebraska.

[CuriousCanuck]

Surprise: "Well Jesus McF*ck!"

[Cobalt]

The variation I'd heard on the 'busy' one was "Busier than a one-armed bandit."

"You lie like a cheap rug."

"Dull as dirt."

[Mariachi Kitty]

Lazier than a bump on a pickle.

And a variation....Too pooped to poop.

[micilin]

On attractiveness:

'But would you run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her shite?'
'I wouldn't touch her with yours'
'I'd say she has a Mary like a wellytop.'
'A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.' (thanks Billy Connolly)

On exteme hunger:
'I'd eat shite of a scabby leg.'
'I'd eat a nun's fanny* through a convent gate.'
'I'd eat a farmer's arse through a hedge.'

On nipple erections (I know too many phrase to do with nipple erections):
'...like hatpegs.'
'... like fighter pilots thumb's.'
'... like monkey's fingers.'


On the reputation of ladies:
'If you kicked her in the arse a bag of mickeys** would fall out.'

On finding that something is only superficially attractive:
'Like buttered shite.'

On ineptitude:
'Like a one-legged man in an arse-kickingcontest.'
'Couldn't find his arse with both hands and a map'

On meanness:
'He could peel an orange in his pocket with boxing gloves on.'

And I don't know what this refers to, but it cracks me up: 'Ah, but where would you be with bell on your bike and your knickers wringing?'

* Fanny means a different thing over here than in the US.
** Mickey: Irish (Dublin?) slang for penis.

[po_gorg]

I like "busier than a two peckered goat", "you talk like a man with a paper ass", referring to someone who doesn't know what thay're talking about, "he snuck up on me like a pair of cheap underwear" and "when God was handing out brains, he thought He said Trains and said, 'no thanks, the whistles hurt my ears.'" My sister's father-in-law "Fast Eddy" had literally over two hundred sayings that we documented and called "Eddyisms". Unfortunately, we lost the list over 25 years ago. I'm sure my sister's husband can recall more.

[Weary]

My own favourite on being unlucky in love:

"If I fell into a barrell of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb"

How true :(

[jsc1953]

micilin: thanks for the international perspective. I'd say "I wouldn't touch her with yours" is a cleaned-up version of "I wouldn't f*** her with a stolen dick."

And over here, fanny = cleaner, more acceptable version of ass (or arse, as you would say.)

Mary?? wellytop??

[rostfrei]

Originally posted by Skeezix
That'd be the proctological bit, yeah?

Seriously, though, I was thinking, "Venting one's spleen is generally what one does in the pit... P'raps he dealt with some patient or another with 'anger management issues' and told him to draw a picture of a frog, 'cause, well, the guy likes frogs, and that'll keep him from getting stuck in solitary every couple weeks for beating the snot out of some other prisoner or guard... And the clever phrase helped him remember this, like his own little mantra, mebbe..."

Sorry. Please forgive the highjack, guitarmax_99.

[actual relevance]
My wife and her stepfather use the old "beat you like a red-headed step-child" as a gag between the two of them. "I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch" has always tickled me.
[/actual relevance]

I've always heard: "he was so confused, he didn't know whether to wipe his watch or wind his butt".

George Carlin: So I shit on my watch.

[zakiyah]

on sanity:
He's about two knights short of a crusade.
He's about two fries short of a Happy Meal.

on intelligence:
He ain't got half the brains of a bag of ferrets.

[Duct Tape King]

Boy, you're about as dumb as a box of hair...

[Tierce]

On wishful thinking:
Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'.

[Slithy Tove]

Said of an ugly woman: "She looks like her mother fed her with a slingshot."

Of a pretty woman "She has a body that'd make Jesus Christ climb down off the cross."

In the military, bogus acronyms constitute a form of colloqualism: eg. SNAFU, BOHICA, and my favorite: "Proceed to carry out E-tripple-S (off-duty, free to eat, sleep, smoke and shit)"

[Chinaco]

Couple of my favorites (these are actually quotes from Waylon Jennings as the Narrator on Dukes of Hazzard):

They took off faster than bad news travels.
This thing's got more turns than a bucket o' worms.
Havin' more trouble than two stray heifers in a pasture full of bulls.
He's got more wrinkles than a bucket o' prunes.
Trapped like two foxes in a hen house with a sack fulla eggs.
Smugger than a hog knee-deep in slop.
Madder than an old wet hen.
Stickin' out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival.

[nashiitashii]

from NinetyWt: I wouldn't f*ck her with YOUR d*ck ('scuse me)
My guy friends use a modified version of this that goes:
"I wouldn't f*ck her with [other person's name]'s and [secondary person's name] pushing." Almost always in reference to a person's lack of attractiveness or ability in bed.

[nashiitashii]

Ooops. Correction: "I wouldn't f*ck her with [other person's name]'s d*ck and [secondary person's name] pushing."

[Joyce W.]

On being scared, "You couldn't have pulled a pin out of my a$$
with a tractor"

Someone trying to do something they're not capable of, "Don't
monkey with the band if you can't toot a horn".

[Lionors]

Saw a bunch already which made me chuckle in memory, being the transplanted child of Southerners that I am, but here goes.

On an individual blessed with a sizeable nose:

"S/he could gut a punkin through a rail fence."

On roadkill, someone passed out from drink or other substances, or someone knocked out from a blow:

"Knocked him/her flatter than a flitter*."

On someone who is stingy with their money:

"Tighter'n a hen's flitter."

On a particularly close friendship or business acquaintance (generally of a shady sort):

"They're [stuck together] tighter'n pig turds in July."

On someone who is creating a scene or highly upset:

"S/he's pitchin' (pitched) a hissie fit."

On someone known for less than legal dealings:

"S/he's as crooked as a dog's hind leg."

On someone who's worthless:

"Ain't fit to carry guts to a bear."

And my personal favorite (pardon the phonetic spelling; for the life of me, I have NO idea what this word really is, except possibly a derivation of 'carrion'):

On people or a family who are dirty/low-class/trashy:

"They're just kearney." (pron. kee-YAR-nee)

Gotta love colorful language.

* Outer female genitalia.

[moonstarssun]

My dad was a native Texan (or Texican, as my 5yo nephew calls 'em), and he had a seemingly endless supply of these. Some of my favorites:

He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.

That's enough to piss off the pope.

That's enough to make the pope kick out a stained glass window. (Usually used when he saw an extremely attractive woman.)

That's good enough to make you want to slap your granny and dare her to get up.

Slightly OT, but he also taught me the "sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite" thing when I was very young. He added his own ending, though: "If they do, crack 'em in two and eat 'em like the monkeys do." I was in college before I realized he made that part up.

Scarred for life. It's enough to piss off the pope. :D

[SlickRoenick]

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

As smart as bait

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

An experiment in artificial stupidity

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

"I'm slicker than a mashed potato sandwich" some kid said this during Latin today. I about laughed myself silly.

And I'm fond of saying "He's not the shiniest crayon in the picnic basket," because I like the mixing of metaphors.

An insult my friends and I made up and actually use: tampon licker.

[kaylasdad99]

We've got kind of a mixed bag here, quality-wise.

Some of them are slicker than snot on a doorknob.

And a few are about as f***ed-up as a soup sandwich.

[dcroy]

My mom used to say (in response to something shocking):"I coulda shit a brick sideways and gone to hell with a square asshole!"

The guys used to say"She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

The Simpsons said (and it deserves to become common usage - call it TV regional) "If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose."

[Skeezix]

I'm known to use this one in reference to someone in a big ass hurry, or, someone so tired they're falling asleep standing up.

"He's out like a scout on a new route."

I know I didn't invent it, but I have no clue where I first heard it, or what the etymology of the thing is.

And it's such MPS, it just doesn't seem worthy of GQ.

[Pix]

Where did this one come from? I say it to girlfriends when they say they look crap.

"Well don't you just look like a sack of shit tied up ugly"

Pix xx

[Larry Bee]

As quick as a hot snot sliding down a rasher.

[Dinsdale]

He's all hat and no cattle.

She was all over him like a cheap suit.

Ain't she cute as a speckled pup.

Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.

His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toadfrog.

Why aren't you as ___ as all get out.

And, in response to an audible fart:
Who dropped the orange?

[DirkGntly]

One of my faves:
"Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree"

And this one from my dad, about a pretty woman when she walks by:
"How would you like to bite into that, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to death?"

[SlickRoenick]

This is mean, please don't attack me for it, but I heard a customer leave the store yesterday saying "Well, I'm out like a retard in a spelling bee"

Another one i've heard is "You can polish a turd until it shines, but it's still a turd."

[Couch Boy]

When about to leave: I'm out like white jeans
Ugly person: (S)he had a face like a half-chewed caramel
Bad Smell: That could gag a maggot
"Helpful" person: as useless as tits on a bull
Any Newfoundlanders would know that a dumb person is as stunned as me arse!

[jsc1953]

I feel like I've been dragged (drug) through a knothole.

[Larry Bee]

On a related note here's a site where you can give a good Irish Curse (http://hermes.lincolnu.edu/~focal/scripts/mallacht.htm).

[7string]

On a person who's excessivly argumentative:

S/He could start a fight in solitary [confinement]

[LORDWARD]

You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit
Shit fire and save matches
He could break an anvil with a feather


First post! What up:cool:

[caveman]

You're dumber than a bowl of mice.

[booka]

"That old boy so confused, he don't whether to scratch his watch or wind his asshole."

"He's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest."

These from my college friend Bill, who was so Texas is wuz amazing:

"She's as cute as a blue-nosed gopherfish."

"She's as cute as a bug's ear."

"He's a good egg."

[booka]

"That old boy's so confused, he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his asshole."

There. That's better.

[sulamith]

This is the funniest thread since jarbabyj's fart thread, and I'm not ashamed to say I participated in that! lol! This makes me feel plum highbrow.

Here's mine:

On screw ups: Boy, you'd fuck up a two-car funeral.

On being nervous: Man, I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.

On being in a crowded situation: It's so close in here I'm going to have poot in my pocketbook.

On being weak: He's not strong enough to pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass.

[cards]

Variation on ....

He's dumber than a sack of tire tools.

I may have missed it, but I didn't see these classics...

His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

His lights are on, but nobody is home.

[cards]

Also...

She's a couple of cans short of a six-pack.

[miamouse]

On impending trouble:
The shit's gonna hit the fan. (or 'fit hitting the shan' around the young 'uns)

On a good looking guy:
You could bounce a quarter off of his ass!

Stressed/uptight:
That's mans' so uptight he shits diamonds.
If you pricked him he'd bleed cotton. (stuffed shirt)


We had a friend who knew english but was still geting used to the sayings, but would mix them up every once in a while. He was trying to tell someone in a business setting that his part in a process was done and said:
"My ball is in your hand"

Cracks us up still to think about it.

[Fear Itself]

Raining like a bull pissing on a flat rock.

As high as dwarf in a helium hat.

[Triss]

Well I thought for sure I'd have something to add.

I guess I don't know shit from shinola.

[aliceinlalaland]

Here's some very Australian ones:

Busier than a blue-arsed fly

All over the place like a mad woman's sh*t

Full as a fat lady's sock (or jocks if you want to be cruder)

[SnugTheJoiner]

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney!

[Bckupqb]

you're laying around like a turd in a toilet bowl
you cant be related to me you're too retarded
assholes and elbows
close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
i hate you more than life itself
let me break this down crayola style for ya'll
someone hit theier heasd diveing into the gene pool

How're those for starts?

[Marvel]

"As useless as tits on a boar."

[rockle]

I thought for sure someone would drag out this old chestnut from Looney Tunes:

"That boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

Also, am I the only one old enough to remember this one?:

"Well, paint me green and call me Gumby."

[KidCharlemagne]

Babbling on like an English major on ecstasy
I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild
Beat you like a rented mule
She's been banged more times than a screendoor in a hurricane
She's been plowed more times than a parking lot in Buffalo

[KidCharlemagne]

Whoops, forgot one.

We're all just one chromosome away from the Special Olympics.

[levdrakon]

From the Army:

"About as fun as hemorrhoids on a hot day."

"So dumb he couldn't navigate his way out a brown paper bag."

"So dumb he stayed up all night studying for a urine test."

"Stick a fork up my butt & turn me over, 'cause I'm done."

When you have to poop really bad:

"I gotta go so bad I'm touching fabric!"

From Mom, when skeptical:

"If the paper lies still, you can print anything on it."

also:
"You got the accent on the wrong syl-LAL-able." As opposed to SYL-lable.

"He cut off his nose just to spite his face."

Others:

"Dumber than a home-made radio."

From up north when someone farts:

"I thought I heard a buck snort!"

Also when farting:

"You hear that? Barking spiders!"

Paraphrased from Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

"He's so uptight if you stuck a piece of coal up his butt in three weeks you'd have a diamond."

On throwing up:

"Yodelling groceries."

"Technicolor scream."

[KidCharlemagne]

Whoops, yet another one.

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I'd buy a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.

[jsc1953]

Starting to get a lot of repeats....read first, then write.

But nobody's posted this recent one:

"Did you go to school on the short bus?"

[Tigers2B1]

That'll make a magot gag!


Now don't get no burr under your saddle boy.

[viking]

A good face for radio.

He could f*ck up a wet dream.

[SnugTheJoiner]

"He's got his head so far up his butt he's looking out of his mouth."

[jane_says]

I've seen better-organized monkey shit fights at the zoo. (This event is poorly organized).

Shit and fall back in it. (To be surprised).

How do ya like them beans/apples? (How do you like that?)

Put that in your smipe and poke it (pipe and smoke it). (Get used to it).

[buddhiccan8403]

Another of those posts I just had to register for...my favorite of my family's sayings:

I could run you out of town with a sharpened sweet potato.

Or, in response to someone saying they might do something: Mites in a chicken's ass.

Well, fan my brow, cousin.

[DLurker]

Mad: Your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower.

Disbelieving: It'll work... Like a windshield wiper on a goats ass.

Accusation: Your asshole must be sucking wind. (a.k.a. talking out your butt)

Statement: Cold enough to freeze the ball off a brass monkey.

[stoyel]

And if that don't work, we'll always think it shoulda.

(Like most of these, it absolutely must be said with a Southern accent.)

[Emperor Penguin]

Similar to some others already posted...

- Couldn't find his ass with both hands in his back pockets

- Slicker than greased otter shit

- Folder faster than a k-mart lawn chair


To be said when one is helping out in some small way for someone else's larger project (it is a twee bit crude... I think I first heard it on these boards actually. Funny that).

- You're the one f**king this chicken, I'm just holding the wings...

I don't use that one much. Gee... I wonder why?

[ricepad]

I stole this from CrankyAsAnOldMan years ago:

Busier than a one-legged cat tryin' to bury a turd on a frozen pond.

[pierre72]

(Of the morning-after realisation): e.g., "She was so ugly, I had to chew my own arm off to get away."

(Insult): e.g., "Conceiving you was a waste of a wank."

(when heading to the bathroom for a no2) "I'm off to bury a sailor at sea"

(of someone who rates themselves a class above): "He farts higher than his arse"

(annoying): "He makes my shit hang sideways"

(to have suffered diarrhoea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"

Admittedly, most of these do work best when said in a broad north-England accent. Think Daphne off Frasier, for you Yanks....
:D

[Jeffrey Hartnett]

On someone who is quite verbose:
S/he could talk the ear off a brass monkey.

[SPOOFE]

I'll pound you like a salami in a salami-pounding contest!

[Archergal]

Someone asks me how I am, my usual response is:

"Hanging in like a loose tooth."

[verbenabeast]

Ugly enough to back to sh*t up a light pole

He don't know me from Adam's housecat

When you are doing something the hard way you are "Taking the long way around Robin Hood's barn"

If you are out of place you "Feel like a milk-bucket under a bull"

someone who doesn't know what is going on "doesn't know his ass from a hole in the wall"

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...

Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...

If something is distasteful "I wouldn't hit a wet dog in the ass with it"...

[Apollyon]

A personal favourite (the mental image always makes me smile).

On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.

[zepchick]

My personal favorites:

"Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"
"Well, Christ on a Crouton!"
"I only did it for sheeps and whistles..."

[ShetlandPony]

Describing women
I wouldn't crawl over her to get to you!
I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting!


Chaos
He couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery


Stupidity
If brains were dynamite they wouldn't blow his hat off

Exasperation
- my mother's favourite
Hell's Bells and buckets of blood

Useless
He's an arse with ears

Surprise
Well F**k me sideways

[Janx]

Make like a bread truck and haul buns!

[dahempfaerie]

she could eat apples through a picket fence

built like a brick shit house

colder than a witch's tit

he has more _____ than Carter has pills

like a turd in a punch bowl

thinks her shit don't stink

[Chanticleer]

" He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ".

[galen]

Said of someone with old-fashioned or outdated ideas:

You can't be a mule in a John Deere society.

[/\/\etalhea|)]

Originally posted by Honey
"Too poor to buy a louse a pair of leggings"
"I'm so poor, I can't afford to pay attention"
"As nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits"
"Colder than a witches tit"
"As dumb as a box of rocks"
"He has the brains of an ice cube"
"She's so ugly, she could stop an 8 day clock"
"She'd f*** a snake if it had ears to hang on to"


Just a comment on #4, my ex-wife is a witch, and I assure you her breasts were normal temperature.

Here's a few from me:

That went over like a NARC at a biker rally

My dick's harder than chinese arithmetic

(when asked a series of stupid questions or being interrupted): Comes at 8, leaves at 9, asshole deep and three for a dime!
(refers to an old, worn out joke)

[JolieRhys]

I wouldn't touch that with somebody else's 10-foot pole.

That pup won't suck.

Shoot and holler shit.

Phukmerunnen.

You'd skrog anything with a pulse.

Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods? Is a frog's ass watertight?

Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.

[BuckleberryFerry]

Excessive PDAing: On him/her like a Sacksville-Baggins on a garage sale.

I got that from a fanfiction I read once. (Paraphrased for universiality)

[JolieRhys]

Dumber than a box of rocks, but the box is empty...that's how I always heard it.

Fair to middlin'- when asked how are you?

The wheel's aturning, but the hamster's still dead.

Did you take the big yellow bus or the little yellow bus to school?

In addition to "the lights are on- nobody home" is Everybody's home, but they're groping around in the dark.
or,
Elevator's in the basement and the cords have been cut.

Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.

Do your parents know they had children that lived?

Knocking boots.

Alive and living.

Able to sit up and take nourishment.

Taking a dirt nap.

I haven't laughed this hard since the story the other morning about knocking the baby over with a fart. [I've been HIT!]

[GorillaGirl]

Happier than a four-peckered goat.

I don't know him/her from Adam's off ox.

You're not sharp as a tack just because you have a flat head.

Sorry don't feed the bulldog.

Originally posted by verbenabeast
When you are doing something the hard way you are "Taking the long way around Robin Hood's barn"

I always heard "Going clear 'round Hell's half acre."

[Irishlove]

Let's make like a tree and leave
or
Let's make like a tree and get out of here.

And my personal all-time favourite:
Let's make like a horse's d*ck and hit the road

[Rubystreak]

--She could suck the chrome of a trailer hitch.

--Couldn't find his ass with two hands and a mirror

In answer to the question "Where is so-and-so?":
--He went to shit and the hogs ate him
--Up my ass pickin' daisies
--In East Jafuckahunga

--Ain't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree/ the sharpest tack in the box

--Whatever blows your skirt up for ya

--Yer damn skippy!

--I knew him when Hector was a pup (is this a Trojan War reference?)

--Queer as old dad's hatband (I have no idea what that means)

--He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic

Some favorites from my dad:

--He's screwed blue and tattooed

--When someone is really angry my dad says "He got a wild hair across his ass"

--He talks like a man with a paper asshole/ a corrugated tin asshole

--Go piss up a rope/shit in your hat

--She's built like a brick shithouse (this apparently is a complement)

[Ranchoth]

-They screwed him tighter than a vampire's coffin!

[Longmos]

Fat woman in too-small clothing: "An elephant in a piss-ant's hide."



Ugly person: "Face looks like a forest fire that was put out with a screwdriver." (from Terrence and Phillip)

[Grelby]

"He's got more money than God"

"He's got a hair across his ass" (someone being bitchy/mad/anal retentive)

How about calling someone who talks a lot a "Chatty Cathy"? (After the original talking doll)

[Squange]

I always liked these:

"I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw." (used to denote understanding)

"He's crazy as a pet coon."

"He's as useless as a footbal bat."

"Close only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades." (sometimes "and drive-in movies" can be tacked on the end of that one.)

"Well slap my ass and call me Sally!"

"Well pierce my ears and call me Breezy" (thanks Dad!)

"I'm outta here like Vladimir."

"I'm out like trout."

"Let's do this like buddhists."

And a personal favorite that made me laugh for about 2 hours after my Texan friend said it:
"Look at my baby cousin. Ain't he cute as a dick."

[Vector]

How about from Archie Bunker:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb pollack." ...when he was speaking to "Meat-Head"

[gordon451]

Come on, fair suck of the sauce-bottle!

If he had any more brains, he'd be stupid!

Rubystreak:

"Brick shithouse" (in Oz) was in the backyard/is out in a paddock, and ever so slightly over-engineered for longevity.

[Benwa]

1. Its hotter than a freshly f*&%ed fox in a forest fire.

2. Hotter than a blistered pussy in a pepper patch.

3. He'd worry the horns off of a billy goat.

4. Grinnin like a possum eatin saw briars.

5. Ugly enough to make a bulldog run up a plate glass wall.

6. Dumber than a box of rocks.

7. Nastier than two boys screwing in church.

8. Sweatin like a whore on the front pew.

9. Now there's a turd in the punchbowl.

10. He'd squeeze a nickel till the Buffalo shits in his hand.

11. Meaner than a rattlesnake with a toothache.

12. Like running through hell wearing gasoline underwear.

13. I'll put my foot in your ass up to the adenoids.

14. That boy is slower than smoke off shit.

15. Stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.

16. I'll jump on you so quick you'll holler, "Ya'll quit", and there won't be nobody but me.

17. She as pretty as a speckled pup.

18. She's finer than frog hair split three ways.

19. She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

20. I'll give you a Yankee dime. (meaning a kiss.)

I've got a million of em.

[zztzed]

"Fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down" is one of my perennial favorites.

I'm also quite fond of this extension of "like white on rice": "like white on rice on a paper plate with a glass of milk and a polar bear in a snowstorm". Needless to say, I find hyperbole amusing. :p

[CaptGarf]

On Futility:
"Like throwing bricks in the Grand Canyon"

On Intelligence:
"Sharp as a bag of wet mice"

[Ellen Cherry]

Nervous as a cat with deaf kittens.

In response to "F*ck me running!" -- "Take off!"

"when God was handing out brains, he thought He said Trains and said, 'no thanks, the whistles hurt my ears.'"

I've always heard that one this way: "When they were handing out brains, you thought they said trains and asked for a slow one."
That's been around since God was a boy.

[X~Slayer(ALE)]

That was hilarious!

My favorite is thanks to Goo

"that's one sperm that should've been swallowed"


Here's some of mine

"That boy's as sharp as a marble"

"Cry me a river, build me a bridge and GET OVER IT!"

"When your IQ gets to 50, SELL!"

"His IQ hit rock bottom and he started to dig"

"Were you potty trained at gunpoint?"

"Somebody pissed in his gene pool"

[big alex]

" I couldn't fancy him if his arse was studded with diamonds!"

[gwendee]

Originally posted by Rubystreak
[B--She's built like a brick shithouse (this apparently is a complement) [/B]

I'm built like one o' those. It's not generally a complement. Think solid, and not at all curvy.

How 'bout:

(someone putting on airs) There's mutton dressed as lamb.

(being overly cautious or overdoing a task) That's like sewing your suspenders to your belt.

[ExpiringMind]

On astonishment:
Well, Christ all Friday/Christ in a Waffle House!

On size:
He's hung like a field mouse/wine cork/baby carrot

On futility:
That's like an ant crawling up an elephant's leg with intentions of rape.

On looking for something/someone:
I've been all over hell and half of Georgia.

A threat:
I'll kill ya and tell God you died.

On intelligence:
He's got all the brains God gave a head of lettuce.

On excitability:
He's got a panic button on his forehead that goes off every time he bumps into a wall.

On sex:
Make you walk across the floor like a water spider.
Making the sign of the two-headed aardvark.
(The credit for this one goes to Joe-Bob Briggs.)

[rjciii]

Ugly Person

Got a face that would make a train take a dirt road.

[Badinage]

I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.
Don't piss on my shoes and tell me it's rainin'.

[Photog]

(On going to poop) "Gonna drop the kids off at the pool"

(On road rage) "You drive like old people f*ck...slow and sloppy!"

[Balance]

Originally posted by Emperor Penguin
To be said when one is helping out in some small way for someone else's larger project (it is a twee bit crude... I think I first heard it on these boards actually. Funny that).

- You're the one f**king this chicken, I'm just holding the wings...

I'll be dipped. Someone remembered that. It's worse than you remembered, though, because it was from the other point of view. When I tried to help with his part of a project, he said, "I'm f***ing this chicken--you're just holding the wings."
Yes, it's extremely crude...and very funny. :)

Others:

Of an old person/thing:
"Ninety years older than God."

Of a small room/area:
"So small you can't cuss a cat without getting fur in your mouth."
"Too small to swing a cat."

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

One I haven't seen yet

Noiser than two skeletons f***ing on a tin roof.

[Daylate]

Three very old ones:

They sure ruined a good asshole when they gave you teeth.

He was so scared they couldn't pull a needle out of his ass with a tractor.

As nervous as a pregnant nun.

[Spermtrail]

One of my girldriends said this to me, "Wouldn't kick her out of bed for eatin' crackers.

[wdcsmwscaa]

"She's got the personality of a menstrual cramp."
(Disgruntled history teachers are the best)

Variation.. Well dip me in shit and roll me in breadcrumbs..

[waddamaroon]

Rubystreak--East Jafuckahunga?? I'm still laughing!!

Try one of these:

We're shittin' in tall cotton and wipin' on the top leaf.

He's crazy as a peach-orchard bore.

You shoulda blowed that load in a billy-goat's ass.

I showed him how the cow ate the cabbage.

If my aunty had balls, she'd be my uncle.

[MLS]

Doesn't have the sense God gave little green apples.

[Rhubarb]

"Hungry enough to gnaw the hind end off of a dead skunk."

"Sharp as a marble."

"Colder'n polar bear snot."

"He's a real bullet ... short, dense, and dull."

"Uglier than a mud fence."

"Fits like socks on a rooster."

"I see", said the blind man to his deaf daughter as he stuck his wooden leg out the window to see if it was raining.

"To each his own", said the little old lady as she kissed the cow.

"If brains was gunpowder, you couldn't blow your nose."

"Nutty as squirrel poop."

"Purty as a speckled pup."

"I'm so full, I'm mournful."

[LotSeven, K?]

Originally posted by xgxlx
[B"I hafta piss like a racehorse" [/B]

I heard it as "I hafta piss like a Japanese racehorse."

as supposedly, they constrict their liquid excretory appendages during the race to make them run faster.

[elfje]

"I could eat a cow between two bread vans."

"if i had a face like yours, i'd sue my parents"

"If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave his ass and teach him how to walk backwards".

"if i had a face like yours, i'd learn how to speak through my ass"

-"hey, you did get that number plate, did you?"
-"what number plate"
-"the one of that truck that ran over your face"

"looking at you, i think they must've kept the afterbirth, and thrown away the baby"


"your gene pool sure could use some bleach"

and one of my favourites:

"I wish you'd develop and itch, and grew short arms"

:p :D

[elfje]

sorry, a few more:

i'm as happy as a pig in shite

he's got an IQ at room temperature

out of admiration of someone:
"mand he's sharp, if you'd throw a bread at him, it'd be sliced."

and these are very irish:

when something is very good:

it's the dog's bollocks! with ofcourse the variations of
it's the canine's testicles and
it's the mutt's nuts

hehe

[gordon451]

We used to call him "Morphine": a slow-working dope.

One bloke we had was so thin he had to stand in the same place twice to throw a shadow... Mind you, he never got wet in a rainstorm!

[`DaTman]

It's colder than an eskimo's Ice Hole.....personal favorite
and
I may be too old to cut the mustard.......but I can still lick the jar!

[Lovey]

ROTFLMAO :D:D

[lorene]

A variation on talking the ears off a brass monkey:
She could talk a dog off a meat wagon

[stjen]

Originally posted by El_Kabong
"It's darker than the inside of a cow tonight"


"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

[JungleLove]

How about:

He's as happy as a pig in shit.

That old dog won't hunt.

I think someone mentioned:
He's all hat and no cattle. or She's all flash and no cash.

He's meaner than a junkyard dog.

Someone beat her with the ugly stick.

He's so ugly his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.

He's so ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

And the classic:
She's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

[Corrvin]

Attractiveness:

'But would you run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her shite?'

"I'd crawl five miles on my hands and knees through sewers filled with broken glass, just to suck the lug nuts off the truck that took her panties to the cleaners."

Corr

[`DaTman]

how `bout,
well, your as handy as a toothpick!
givin up as easy as givin in
you know what they said when they cut that monkeys tail off...............wont be long now( usually stated at the ending of the workday)
when a difficult challenge is assigned ; "Well if it was easy then {person who does'nt work well....Morphine?} Would be doing it
Make like a Baby and head out

[shooter1001]

Det boy's so dumb he cain't pour piss out his shoe with the instructions on the sole.

[shooter1001]

She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

[shooter1001]

Let's do like the shepherd git the flock outta heah!

[Lwater]

She was so ugly, when she was born the doctor spanked her mother.

[Davebear]

Originally posted by TaxGuy
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?" (combining "Does a bear shit in the woods?" with "Is the Pope Catholic?"; I think it's from "The Big Lebowski") They may have used that line in The Big Lebowski, but it's been around a lot longer than the movie. I first heard it in the sixties, along with its corollary, "Is a bear Catholic?".

I haven't read through the whole thread, yet, so if this is a dupe, well...kiss mah grits! ;)

[very busy] Up to his a$$ in alligators.

[tuffcunz]

She had a c**t that looked like chewbacca after a fight

[shooter1001]

Gotta be a damn gnuuuuu yolk yankee ta preciate dis one heah;

If........ I'll kiss your ass in Macy's window on Christams Eve with the Salvation Army Band playin Amazing Grace!

And an Italian from Brooklyn or the Bronx for these:

fuhgeddaboutit!
he's takin a doirt nap,
he sleeps with the fish,
get lost!
Va fongoool (go fuck yourself)
a gooola du sord (your sister's ass)
get the fuck outta here!

[Squange]

Originally posted by stjen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx


Yay!!! That's my .sig!!!! :D

[Squange]

Originally posted by stjen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx


Yay!!! That's my .sig!!!! :D

[Squange]

doh! Double post....sorry.

[FaerieBeth]

Oh, my grandmother has some real beauties:

Happier than a dead pig in the sunshine

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

and, if something was crooked or messed up, it was 'whomperjawed'....possibly 'caddywhompus'.

[gordon451]

She's not a woman, she's a funnelweb in a frock!
(From "Grassroots", an Oz sitcom about a rural local council)

Yer blood's worth bottling! (You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar!)

Fair dinkum, I've only once heard anybody say "Fair dinkum".

[Fiddle Peghead]

"I wouldn't trade my grandmother's toenails for that <insert item here>."

"Heavens to mergatroid." (mergatroid??)

[AskNott]

About a cute boss:
Remember; an (terminal digestive port) with nice buns is still an (terminal digestive port.)

I really hope I didn't post that earlier in this thread.

I think that "Heavens to Murgatroyd" thing was the catch line of a long-ago Hanna-Barbera cartoon character. I can't remember which one.

[Zenpea]

Mine are always of the format:

'The 'adjectivest' 'noun' since sliced bread.'

(The hottest day since sliced bread. The oldest man since sliced bread. The most famous film since sliced bread...)

Sliced bread has been a lot of things.

-J

[jsc1953]

Hmmm, Zenpea.....I've only heard "sliced bread" applied to clever/handy/nifty/wonderful things--"the greatest thing since sliced bread". Since pre-sliced bread is a nice improvement over unsliced bread. The "hottest day"????? Just doesn't make sense.

(I heard a variation recently---"greatest thing since pants with pockets").

[House]

My father in law says: "Well, I'll be a suck-egg mule."
I think that came from a western or something...

Here's a classic from MST3k: "If her pants were any tighter, they'd be behind her."

[House]

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a non-peeing end of the pool.

He has a 10 story head with an 8 story elevator.

On farting:
There's a mouse on a motorcycle


On pooping:
There's a southbound train with no brakes.
Or the Shanghai express.

[Dinsdale]

Just heard one in training this a.m.:

"He was stuck on stupid and dragging ignorant!"

[Rrrowlf]

When I worked in Texas my boss had a long list of colloquialisms .

I hope when you get home your Mama runs out from under the front porch, and bites you on the leg.

I hope a bolt of lightning hits you so hard there ain't nothin' left but a smokin' hole in the ground.

If I ever find myself missing you I can always reload.

You lie like a dog.

He'd say "He's rich as nine feet up a bulls a$$."
When I asked him what he meant he said, "When you get nine feet up a bulls a$$, it starts gettin' mighty RICH.".

She thinks that she got a goldplated a$$hole.

She's got curves in places that a lotta women ain't even got places.

She looks good enough to make a preacher leave home.

My boss believed in quality, over quantity. He'd say " When you get to the end of a row of cotton, that's all there is to pick." He didn't want us to run out of work.

More fun than a bootfull of barbwire.

I'd beat you in a race, and I'd only be runnin' on one leg half the time.

When talking about porn, or nude clubs, "Just because you're on a diet, don't mean you can't look at the menu.".

Boy, I was doing this when y'all was still XXXXoff to the underwear section in Sears catalog.

When giving directions, "First, y'all head down yonder a piece as the crow flies."

Divorce is like a pay toilet. You have to pay to get rid of something you can't keep.
Our Gov'mint is just the opposite. They make you pay for $hit you don't want.

In 8 years that's just a tiny fraction of his east Texas wisdom.

Put THAT in your jockstrap and snap it.

[bengangmo]

not exactly southern but....

She has a face that can sour boiled water
She could suck start a harley
You don't look at the mantle piece when you're stoking the fire

[statsman1982]

Cold as a well digger's ass

Ain't got a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.

[PlainJain]

Grinnin' like a possum eating shit out of a Coke bottle.

I'll sink you like a three foot pipe.

Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest.

I'll slap you so hard your kids'll be born dizzy.

[KRC]

I remember "Serious as a bee sting and three heart attacks."

Also "It's hot enough to fry the devil."

[Malacandra]

Well, call me zombie and shovel-slap me silly!

[Marienee]

This one ended a business meeting I attended. An earnest young man in a grey suit had made his presentation, which incidentally claimed credit for a number of things which had been initiated by other people. The bossman leaned back in his chair, put his hands behind his head, stared at the ceiling and said:

"Son, that puts me in mind of a flea
floating down the chattahoochee on a oak leaf
masturbatin' an' yellin', RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE!!!!

If you ever come in here again claiming credit for other people's work I will personally escort you to the door. Are we clear?"

We all left quietly.

[ChadVader]

He couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas.

[Sudo Intellectual]

It's hot as a crotch
I'm full as a tick
Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
He licks the window on the short bus
Whatever creams your twinkie
Christ on a crutch

[AHunter3]

Family and Regional (Southern) favorites: "You're moving like dead flies are falling off of you"

(Implication: you're moving too damn slow. I guess if you moved faster either the dead flies would stay put or live flies would fall off of you instead?)

"...then you cut the English Muffin half in two and toast it"

(Good thing you specified, I was gonna cut it half in THREE)


"Go hug your Aunt Lucille's neck"

(and the rest of her too, I reckon... don't strangle her or anything either, ok?)

[Pyper]

This is not really a colloquialism, but a phrase invented by my Spanish-speaking preschool client that I am determined to enter into the Spanish idiom.

"Echar el taco" (roughly meaning: to expel the taco) = vomit.

Originated when said preschooler's little sister had eaten too much Taco Bell and the inevitable occurred.

Proposed usage: "Juan wasn't feeling well on the ride home. Echó el taco all over the back seat."

[Beware of Doug]

He's as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
She musta ate Dumb Flakes for breakfast.
Use your head for something besides hangin' your hat.
She's a few cookies short of a Deluxe Assortment.

[CookingWithGas]

My dad used to say, "They looked at me like I was the bastard at the family reunion."


"We're cookin' with gas, now."My personal favorite :D

I think that "Heavens to Murgatroyd" thing was the catch line of a long-ago Hanna-Barbera cartoon character. I can't remember which one.Snagglepuss (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snagglepuss).

[Shark Sandwich]

"She's so ulgy, it looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to beat it out with a wet chain."

"I'm busier than a one-armed pimp in a bitch slappin' contest."

[Rrrowlf]

Everyone knows that everybody pisses in the pool, but just try it from the divingboard and see what happens.