I Don't Like How I'm Feeling at the Moment

[Tuckerfan]

There's some backstory that goes with this rant, so bear with me please.

My first girlfriend in high school had an abusive father. I saw first hand the bruises he left on her, saw her wince with pain from the injuries he'd given her, and comforted her as best I could. My biggest fear from that moment on is that I would some day hit a woman. I have yet to do it, and its always been something I've prided myself on. I may have done some things I'm not proud of, but I've never done that.

Three years ago, I started dating a woman named Sarah. Sarah was wonderful, and seemed to be everything I had hoped for in a woman. Six months after we started dating, I proposed to Sarah. She dumped me three days later. It nearly killed me.

Looking back now, it was a good thing that she did. I never really showed my appreciation for Sarah, and in many ways I took her for granted. After she and I split up, I didn't date for a long time. I needed to get my head on straight. I had to figure the things that I did wrong so that the next time I dated someone, maybe they wouldn't go sour. I was alone for a year.

During that time, Sarah's name became like an oath to me. When I was screwing up, I'd say her name, and feel inspired to do better. At night my dreams were of her.

I met Rachel nearly a year to the day that Sarah and split up, and with her, I really tried. I did my best, but it didn't matter because Rachel was only using me. She left me for an ex-heroin addict, dead-beat dad, whom she stayed with for a couple of months, and then left for someone else.

Back in April of this year, Sarah called me. Totally out of the blue. I hadn't seen or heard from her in two years. She seemed to be testing the waters, and I would have slaughtered the world to have her back. It turned out, of course, that Sarah was only using me to panic her boyfriend so that he'd propose to her.

That ended any feelings I had for Sarah. At that point, I just didn't care about her any longer. I thought about her only occasionally, and it was more the passing thought, than longing for her. I had no desire to see or hear from her again.

Finding out that I don't have to work tomorrow, I decided to go see my old friend Gary who works third shift at the convenience store. He and I talk for a while, and then he has to make breakfast. So while he's doing that, I read a newspaper. A car pulls up and parks in front of the window in front of me. It's dark in that area of the parking lot, and I can't tell a lot about the car, but it seems vaguely familiar. Doesn't mean anything, of course, Gary's got a lot of regular customers, and it's probably one of them. Even if its not, the car's got a pretty common profile, so it's not really distinctive. I can tell that there's two people in the car, but nothing more. One of them get's out, waves at me, and I nod my head. Can't tell a thing about them, and they're probably just waving to say, "It's okay, I'm not going to rob you." or something similar.

They come into the store, and I realize that it's fucking Sarah! She acts friendly to me, as she get's a pack of cigarettes from Gary (I noticed that she's switched brands.). The person in the car is most likely her finace. I'm cold and distant to Sarah, I say, "Hi." and respond to her questions, but don't ask any of my own, and return to my newspaper every chance I get. I hoped that it wasn't obvious that I was shaking. I wanted to fucking kill her. I wanted to rip the flesh from her bones with my teeth. I wanted to kill her and then go out to her car, rip her fiance from it and beat him with my fists until there was nothing left of him. Dear goddess, I've never wanted to harm anyone in my life as much as I did those two then. I didn't do it.

It's been over two hours since I saw her and I'm still shaking. I guess I should be proud of myself, since I didn't do anything, but knowing what I wanted to do to her bothers the hell out of me. The liquor stores won't be open for several hours yet, and I've got to get some sleep, but I think that when I wake up, I'm going to buy myself a bottle of booze and get hammered.

[Liberal]

May your gods comfort you, Tuckerfan. I'm very sorry for your grief. Don't let what you wanted to do bother you, because in fact you did do what you wanted to. We always do.

[Steve Wright]

"I am a man ... and therefore have all devils within myself."
(G. K. Chesterton)And he's right. We all have our dark side, every last one of us. We all get violent impulses, and worse. All of us are capable of the most heinous crimes imaginable. The only thing that stops us committing them is our own will

It's not that decent people don't have these feelings, it's that decent people don't act on them. You had a violent impulse, that just proves you're a human being. You didn't act on your impulse, so you're a decent human being.

If we're judged, we're not judged on the feelings we have, but on the way we handle them.

[Earthworm Jim]

I'm sure you've heard the old saying "The best revenge is living well."

I feel your pain, man - I've been there. But watch the alcohol - You may have the self control to restrain yourself while sober, but you just might end up doing something stupid that you'll regret while drunk. And I don't mean something violent, more along the lines of calling her at 2:00 in the morning and telling her how much of a bitch she is and that she ruined your life and that there's always a chance for you two.

All told, I admire you - you handled it alot better than I did.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally posted by Beelzebubba
I'm sure you've heard the old saying "The best revenge is living well."

I feel your pain, man - I've been there. But watch the alcohol - You may have the self control to restrain yourself while sober, but you just might end up doing something stupid that you'll regret while drunk. And I don't mean something violent, more along the lines of calling her at 2:00 in the morning and telling her how much of a bitch she is and that she ruined your life and that there's always a chance for you two.

All told, I admire you - you handled it alot better than I did. Oh, I won't call her. I've had some dark days in my life, and I've never called an ex with the crying jags or to cuss them out. I might punch holes in the walls, or get the crying jags, but that's been the limit of it so far.

[Ferret Herder]

Originally posted by Beelzebubba
I'm sure you've heard the old saying "The best revenge is living well."


In a sense, that's what you at least appeared to be doing to her. You didn't smile like you were happy to see her, you didn't appear interested in what she was doing, and acted like she was gone from your life and your heart. If you'd done anything that looked like you were still in love, or given into your urges and gotten mad, if you'd tried to hurt them, she'd know that she still had something of an emotional hold over you.

Obviously, what she did still bothers you very deeply, but you didn't give into any dark impulses. And so I'd count that as far better than still mooning over her and what could have been.

(Be careful about more than occasional use of alcohol in situations like this though. U2 expressed the quote as, "I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they learned to swim...")

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

EGG HER HOUSE! I'll help! :)

If you want her to think you're doing well financially since you broke up, egg her house with caviar. Domestic of course. It's cheaper, & you can't really tell the difference.

Tuckerfan--on a serious note... this ain't healthy for you. Get out of your house, get some excercise & fresh air, maybe go to that art museum under the Parthenon. Distract yourself, in other words.

If you need to talk, I'm local & an e-mail will get you my number.

[XJETGIRLX]

Unfortunately, Tuckerfan I can appreciate all too well what you're feeling. I had a similar series of incidents with an ex about 3 or 4 years ago, although the circumstances were not nearly as pleasant. I cannot even begin to describe the sheer amount of torture, wrath, and unmitigated physical pain I wished (and almost performed) on him. Thank God I had enough sense to go through with a restraining order.

I thought you might appreciate this passage, as it was something that comforted me once upon a time:



Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

-----Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

If you want to bitch to somebody, I'm all ears.


Jet

[Violet]

Wishing you peace.....

[Kn*ckers]

Wow, Tuckerfan, I can imagine that those were some pretty scary feelings. I think we all get them (I know I do!); horrible, cruel feelings that bring us right to the brink of violence. If we're civilized, we don't give in to them, because as strong as the impulse gets, it is still possible to keep from lashing out. And it's important.

Of course, you don't need to be told that you did the right thing, by not tearing out her and her fiance's guts in a maniacal bloodbath.
But I think you DO need to be told that you did nothing wrong by having those thoughts. They're just thoughts. Thoughts can be dark, and frightening, and altogether wild, but what really matters is how you act on them. If you're worried that it makes you an evil, brutish man for thinking this way, or that you're somehow comparable to the abusive men that have hurt the women in your life, put your mind at ease. You're nothing like that. Your story makes is pretty clear that you are a gentle, sensitive person. And even the most kindhearted sap in the world sometimes feels like clawing at the eyes of an antagonist.

So take it easy, pal - you've been treated like crap, and definitely deserve a hug!

{{tuckerfan}}

Love, Kn*ckers

[Demise]

Fuck, I know that feeling all too well. Feels like someone just kicked you in the balls as hard as they could. Huge adrenaline rush. Fight or flight.

And they wonder why you don't want to be friends after they just crushed your heart.

Go ahead, get shit faced. But, do it with a buddy. Don't drink to get drunk alone - that way lies madness.

[DocCathode]

All this time you've been afraid that you'd hit a woman for any insignicant reason.


But, even after what she had done, you were able to prevent yourself from even saying anything in anger.

If you're strong enough to deal with that anger, you're strong enough to deal with this pain.

You will make it through this.

[Rocketeer]

Yeah, you're okay.

Thoughts don't count. Actions do.

[andymurph64]

Tuckerfan,

If you don't have a history of having these violent feelings then I would be wary but not sweat it.

I had a very scary episode where I had a very powerful urge to do somthing very scary and it passed. The urge took me by surprise and left me scared for days afterword.

It has never happened again.

I think these things just happen, though rarely.

The point is that you did resist this very powerful urge.

[MissTake]

Tucker-been there, done that, patched walls as a result.
I won't go into the whole story, but there is a man whom if I never see it will be too soon, as he tore me up, chewed me out, and like a moron I went back only to have it happen again.

It's a bitch. But you handled it as well as you could.

I am stuck seeing my personal satan at least 2x/year, and it's all I can do not to rip his dangly bits off. But it does get better.

Entering a new relationship with all this in your head is going to be extremely difficult. You need to get through it before you can deal with someone else.

ok, that was quite the trainless thought post.

And, like others, my e-mail is here- use if you would like.

[yosemite]

I'm the wimpiest person imaginable—I hardly ever have violent thoughts.

And yet I've shocked myself by thinking some HORRIBLE things on occasion. It happens to all of us.

When I read your OP I actually expected something more scandalous. Not to say that I couldn't sympathize with your distress and pain, because I could. But there was a part of me that thought, "Is that it? Just bad thoughts?"

So, take heart. You are normal. You thought bad thoughts and knew better than to cultivate them. You were ashamed of them. You are normal. You are not bad.

My heart goes out to you and what you've been feeling. Take care of yourself; this will pass.

[andymurph64]

Yosemitebabe,

I believe I understand the OP.

It isn't just bad thoughts. It's very bad thoughts where you were very, very close to following through. You know you were very close and the fact that you almost did it scares the beejeeses out of you.

[yosemite]

andymurph: Yes, I agree—that's a pretty shocking thing to realise—that you are very temped to do something violent. But the bottom line was, all he did was have bad thoughts. He didn't do anything. And I don't believe he ever will, because he won't cultivate the thoughts or the temptations.

But yes, it is scary when you really feel close to doing something. I've had those feelings. Never done anything. Felt weird for even being tempted, though.

[andymurph64]

But yes, it is scary when you really feel close to doing something. I've had those feelings. Never done anything. Felt weird for even being tempted, though.


Felt weird??

I don't think you quite get what I'm saying...

[XJETGIRLX]

Originally posted by andymurph64
Felt weird??

I don't think you quite get what I'm saying...

I've been there before and I can honestly say that 'weird' just isn't quite strong enough to covey those types of feelings. I'm talking the kind of feelings that make your blood boil and your hands clench up into fists so tight you draw blood. The kind of feelings that make you gnash your teeth so hard you crack a crown off. The kind of feelings that make you throw your fist through a wall rather than someone's head. The kind of feelings that leave you with bloody knuckles, a broken toe, and about $500 worth of damage to your furniture.

A little more than weird indeed.

[andymurph64]

Yup.

Maybe my saying the words, 'scares the beejeebers out of you wasn't strong enough.

I should have said, scares the hell out of you since you had no idea you were that type of person. Scares you so bad that you almost were going to spend the next 20+ years in prison and have to live with the fact that you are a very bad person.

If the OP had did what he almost did, it would have happened to him. To be so close and have it happen so unexpectedly and so contrary to the type of person you think you are really shakes you up.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor
EGG HER HOUSE! I'll help! :)

If you want her to think you're doing well financially since you broke up, egg her house with caviar. Domestic of course. It's cheaper, & you can't really tell the difference.

Tuckerfan--on a serious note... this ain't healthy for you. Get out of your house, get some excercise & fresh air, maybe go to that art museum under the Parthenon. Distract yourself, in other words.

If you need to talk, I'm local & an e-mail will get you my number. Actually, if I were going to do anything "non-violent" to get my revenge, I'd steal her dog. It pissed her off to no end that her dog listened to me more than he would come when I called him, but totally ignored her when she called him.

Think maybe I'll rent Fight Club tonight. If you can't beat the shit out someone, watching Ed Norton smash Angel's face is the next best thing.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Humm - I've never actually wanted to hurt someone physically; however, on more than one occasion I've had a deep down burning need to Oreo someone's car.

Different strokes, right?

Anyhoo - I think it's pretty normal to feel enraged at someone that has hurt you - the reading the newspaper and not doing anything is what defines your humanity. Hang in there. :)

[Tuckerfan]

I don't even understand why she came into the store. She would have seen my car long before she pulled up, and then as she was swinging around to park, she saw me before I ever saw her (my head being buried in the newspaper). If I'd have been her, I would have just rolled on out and stopped somewhere else. It's not like she couldn't have bought her smokes somewhere else.

[Moirai]

But then she wouldn't have been able to see your reaction, would she?

We are devious little bitches, we can't help it.

But seriously, you are stronger than some woman who used you badly. Buck up and go outside and play.

PS- the vet thread rules, and I said so over on Fathom. Shame nobody over here has done the same...

[Tuckerfan]

Originally posted by EJsGirl
But then she wouldn't have been able to see your reaction, would she?

We are devious little bitches, we can't help it.

But seriously, you are stronger than some woman who used you badly. Buck up and go outside and play.

PS- the vet thread rules, and I said so over on Fathom. Shame nobody over here has done the same... Well, I hope I scared her so that she never does anything like that to anyone else again.

Thanks for the comment about the vet thread, I'm surprised that it sank like a stone.

[Flamsterette_X]

Well, after reading all this (and trying to distract myself by typing up a subsection of a book), I find I still have the feelings I had for my father a few years ago when he did hit me in extreme anger. (this thread caused them to rise to the surface once again..)Not very good feelings, and I never acted upon them. (it took a lot to restrain myself, believe you me)

Tuckerfan, I don't know if I can say that I totally understand how you feel (since I've never been in your exact situation), but I might be able to empathize a little. Be wary of using alcohol in those sorts of situations.. you don't want to use it as a crutch or something.

I agree that the woman who wanted to use you badly wanted to see your reaction when you saw her for the first time in some time.. otherwise, why else would she choose that particular store to buy her cigarettes? (especially when she saw your car out front) I'm not sure what else to say.. except that I'm here for you if you need to talk. Email's in my profile, and if you need to IM me, go right ahead.

F_X

[Cat Whisperer]

I think when you wake up you probably won't want to get drunk. She has no hold on you anymore, and dwelling on this episode would indicate she does, which you know she doesn't. Does that make any sense at all? I guess what I'm trying to say is if you just forget about her, you have all the power. If you get drunk over her, you're still allowing her to have some power over you.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally posted by featherlou
I think when you wake up you probably won't want to get drunk. She has no hold on you anymore, and dwelling on this episode would indicate she does, which you know she doesn't. Does that make any sense at all? I guess what I'm trying to say is if you just forget about her, you have all the power. If you get drunk over her, you're still allowing her to have some power over you. Well, lou, I'm hammered. I admit that the Sarah I once knew has a lock on me that I don't know how, or if, I'll ever shake. I don't even know if the her I loved was really her, or just something that I made up.

There were a lot of things about her that I loved. Things that I'd not found in any other woman I've ever known or dated. Its sad to see that they were either illusions or gone now.

[Cat Whisperer]

Okay, when you wake up from the *hangover*, you probably won't want to drink over her anymore. How's that for a prediction?

[flertbert]

Originally posted by EJsGirl
We are devious little bitches, we can't help it.

I don't know you, you don't me, I hope that you've never done anything like what's happened to Tuckerfan, but those kind of comments just burn me up. I have had too many women screw me over and then say, "I'm a bitch." as if that were some kind of excuse for what they'd done. If that's the case, then guys like Tucker should have the right to beat the shit out of women who screw them over and walk away scott-free by saying, "We men are pigs."

Decent human beings don't fuck over other human beings for the sheer sport of it.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally posted by XJETGIRLX
I've been there before and I can honestly say that 'weird' just isn't quite strong enough to covey those types of feelings. I'm talking the kind of feelings that make your blood boil and your hands clench up into fists so tight you draw blood. The kind of feelings that make you gnash your teeth so hard you crack a crown off. The kind of feelings that make you throw your fist through a wall rather than someone's head. The kind of feelings that leave you with bloody knuckles, a broken toe, and about $500 worth of damage to your furniture.

A little more than weird indeed. Especially if you know that you'd enjoy doing it, even though it's one of the most repugnant things you can think of.

Oh and lou, we'll find out if I ever see or hear from her again. (I'm betting I probably won't.)

[Moirai]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by EJsGirl
We are devious little bitches, we can't help it.


Originally posted by flertbert
I don't know you, you don't me, I hope that you've never done anything like what's happened to Tuckerfan, but those kind of comments just burn me up. I have had too many women screw me over and then say, "I'm a bitch." as if that were some kind of excuse for what they'd done. If that's the case, then guys like Tucker should have the right to beat the shit out of women who screw them over and walk away scott-free by saying, "We men are pigs."

Decent human beings don't fuck over other human beings for the sheer sport of it.



Just bein' flip, didn't mean to get anybody's knickers in a twist!

Sounds like the women you ran into were indeed bitches, and I wouldn't try to guess what sort of excuse they might have or need for acting that way.

Of course decent people don't hurt other people for fun. I would never say otherwise. I think Tucker got what I meant. His Sarah was indeed a devious little cow for doing what she did, and I hope that someday she regrets doing it, although she probably won't from what I gather.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I pretty much agree with everyone else has said. Feelings don't matter, actions do.

I don't want to presume anything, but you've probably idealized her in the time since your break-up to a degree that doesn't jibe with reality. I've done the same thing myself. Women always seem to become more perfect after they dump you.

I think that it's the pain of being alone that hurts as much as anything, and that feeling that you won't find anybody else as perfect. I know that drinking doesn't help but friendships do, and I know that when I found my wife (who I've been with for thirteen years) I couldn't even remember what I thought was so great about the previous "perfect" woman. Now I can't even remember what she looked like and have absolutely zero interest in ever seeing her again.

This kind of pain sucks but it passes...it passes...

[Tuckerfan]

DtC, no doubt I've idealized her to a degree, and love makes fools of us all, but there is that nagging part of myself which says that had I done some things differently we might still be together. To be honest, I think most of my anger has to do more with my letting her get away than with anything she's done.

And I do know that booze is bad (my father's a recovering alcoholic), but in matching with the screwed up nature of my life, it does tend to keep me from turning into an absolute basketcase at times like this. Whereas my friends, either don't understand, or in the case of one of my friends who's seen this thread, it inspires them to do things that aren't really helpful. (He offered to screw his girlfriend in front of me to show me how much the two of them cared about me. Thanks, but that's really not what I need right now. Especially since the last time the two of them did it [I didn't ask them to, and really wasn't all that thrilled when they did it.], he kept begging her to give me some, uh, "manual stimulation" and she refused. Yeah, there's a reason why I spend more time here at the Dope than any place else.)

I do thank everyone for the good thoughts they've been sending my way. Once again the Dope has helped me save my sanity.

[RickJay]

Hell, I've had violent feelings towards a particularly evil ex. As violent as yours, complete with elaborate revenge fantasies. It doesn't make me feel bad about myself because I haven't an ounce of actual conscious motivation to act on those thoughts.

Tucker, it's not our THOUGHTS that make us men. It's our actions that separate the man from the animal. Humans have all the unfocused, primal instinct and emotion of the animals - the difference with us is that we can choose not to act on them. You are equipped with the instincts and emotions that make you want to kill your enemies, but you're also equipped with the foresight and the superego that restrict those emotions. In other words, you're a conscious, civilized man. You sound like a decent person to me.

Anyone who DENIES having violent thoughts about those who wrong them is either badly self-deluded or dishonest. It's very good that you are aware of your feelings and that you think about what they mean. It's a sign of true, conscious self-control.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Eggs, Tucker, remember the eggs. Always try that option before doing foolish/self-destructive things.

"Self-destructive" includes booze.