I Am Omipotent

[racinchikki]

I disguise myself as a lowly "customer service associate" at a local branch of an international chain of office supply stores. At first glance, I appear to be as lowly as any other human. Perhaps lowlier, for I have taken to myself the icons of the servile - the nametag, the pasted-on smile, and the unmistakable uniform of store-branded polo shirt and well-worn khaki trousers. Yet I am omnipotent. I have amazing powers of discernment, memory, and stuff-findy. I am a god. A very lowly god, but a goddess nevertheless.

"I can't find a widget."
"What sort of a widget do you seek, sir?"
"A widget for a doohickie. Y'know, the grey doohickie by Huge Corporation That Makes Billions Of Grey Doohickies, Each Of Which Takes A Different Widget."
"Do you know which model of doohickie you own?"
"That's your job. You should know what I need. You're getting paid for it."

How right you are, sir! Excuse me as I engage my Psychic Powers to discover exactly which of the approximately nine dozen widgets we have in the store is the correct one for your unknown doohickie.

"Find my pencils for me."
"Which kind were you looking for?"
"They're exactly 7 3/8 inches long, with a diameter of just under one quarter inch, 6mm lead and they are blue on the outside."
"Are these it?"
"No, those are 7 3/8 inches long, but their diameter is exactly one quarter inch, which is too thick, and their lead only comes in 5mm or 7mm."
"How about these?"
"No. The lead is the right thickness, but they are the wrong shade of blue."
"These?"
"No, those are all wrong! I know I bought my pencils here two years ago. I demand that you find my pencils and give them to me right now - you must have them somewhere."

I sincerely apologize for my obvious lack of foresight in reserving your pencil orders from two years ago. How could I have neglected such an obvious use of my omnipotence?

"I want to buy this laminating machine."
"Ok. Did you have any questions about it first? Do you need to get the sheets to go with it, perhaps?"
"No, but I want you to give me a percentage off."
"Ma'am?"
"I bought my printer here two months ago."
"Do you like it?"
"And last year I bought a computer here."
"Oh?"
"I've spent a lot of money here."
"I suppose you have."
"So I want you to give me a percentage off from this laminating machine."
"Let me call my manager and see what we can do about that for you."
"If you don't give me at least $25 off this laminating machine, I'm not going to buy it. I bought an entire case of paper here just yesterday!"

How could I fail to give you a 40% discount upon hearing that you spent about $20 here yesterday, and $150 a few months back? I could never bear to lose your amazingly spendiferous custom.

"The stockboy says you're all out of blank gift certificate forms."
"Let me take a gander at the computer inventory to double-check that for you... Yes, sir, I'm sorry, but we are out of stock on that. If you'd like, I could order some for you through our internet service, and have them shipped directly to your home or office."
"No, I need them today."
"Would you like me to call one of our other nearby stores, and see if they have some you could buy?"
"No, I need them today and I'm not driving all the way to another town for them. Find me some."
"Sir, the best I could do for you would be to find the closest store that has them in stock, and have them set some aside for you. In fact, if you absolutely need them tonight, I could even go pick them up for you at the other location and bring them back here if that's more convienent."
"No. I want you to give me some right now."

Allow me to pull them out of my magical anus of power, which has the ability to create whatever you want instantly out of the same material as resides between your ears!

There is a classic conversation that consists entirely of the customer pushing a laden cart up to my register, looking me in the eyes and saying "I work for Local Business."

This is my cue to use my omnipotence to ascertain that he is informing me not only that this is a business purchase, but how he is going to pay. He intends to use the business' credit account. He does not, of course, intend to give me the account number, nor will he understand that I need the account number to process the transaction. He will probably become belligerent, and when he is forced to telephone the office (for free, using the telephone that I provide for his use, and sitting in a chair near my counter, while writing with my pen on my scratch pad) he will blame me for his wasted time. The concept of credit accounts being the same as credit cards is lost on him. It is rather like walking up to me and saying "I have a Visa."

I try my very hardest to use my omnipotence for good and to remain unfailingly pleasant and polite to all of my superiors who choose to grace me with their presence each day... but sometimes, it is so very, very difficult not to simply pull out the world's smallest violin and entertain all with a moving rendition of "My Heart Bleeds Purple Piss For You"...

[Arden Ranger]

Allow me to pull them out of my magical anus of power, which has the ability to create whatever you want instantly out of the same material as resides between your ears!

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[SkipMagic]

Originally posted by racinchikki
I disguise myself as a lowly "customer service associate" at a local branch of an international chain of office supply stores.

Yeah. Sounds like my old OrificeMax customers. Heh. :eek:

"OrificeMax: taking rainchikki's "magical anus of power" to the max!"

:p

[The Wrong Girl]

But wait, I needed 1800 copies of this six hours ago, and I bought a pad of Post-It notes three years ago! Remember me?

[trader_of_shots]

Double click ???

[SkipMagic]

Sorry, but my Xerox 5090 super-duper copier only cranks out 136 copies a minute. I'm afraid 1800 in a half-minute might be beyond what Xerox guarantees. Would you like to take up all the self-serve copiers so no one else can use them?

;)

[racinchikki]

I believe I left something out of my OP that I intended to include:

"Do you take checks?"
"Yes we do, ma'am. I'll just need to have a phone number, and could I see your driver's license?"
"Why do you need to see my license? Don't you believe I'm me?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but the computer requires me to put in your driver's license number."
"I don't want to show you my license. Make something up. That's a stupid rule."
"If I make something up, ma'am, it'll lead the company that takes care of our checks to think this is fraud. They could contact your bank about it, and your bank would be worried that someone besides you was using your checks. All I need to do is copy down the number off your license."
"How do I know you won't be writing all this down yourself and using it on the internet to buy things with my checks?"
"Ma'am, if it would make you feel better, you can watch me write it down."
"Don't look at the picture. I still don't see why you need this. I come in here all the time. I am obviously me."

For an omnipotent creature, I certainly have many failings.

[Skeezix]

Lovely, just lovely. :D

I'd love to add to the theme, but, unfortunately nearly all of my Omniscient God disguised as servile-lackey memories consist of endless variations on the theme of, "You know, that movie, with the guy who was in that other movie that I really liked, where he meets the girl from that show. Do you have that one?"

Just for the hellacious fun of it, every once in a while I'd get something along the lines of, "Well, the other guy lets me return movies after 9PM without charging me any late fees all the time." This when I am in fact the only male who works in the place, and the only other person behind the counter (the store owner, on my days off) could not be mistaken for a man even if looked at through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, at twenty paces, whilst deconstructing heavy machinery with a pick axe and a jar of rhubarb preserves.

Sure "he" does, hon. I just bet "he" lets you pay for your rentals with oral sex, too, right? Hey, what's wrong, where ya goin'? What are you pissed about, was "he" not supposed to tell me that bit?

[Xploder]

Well I'm just glad that you're Omipotent as opposed to Omnipotent. :)

[Desmostylus]

Good thing that racinchikki only claimed to be "Omipotent" rather than "Omniscient", otherwise Xploder may have xploded the argument.

[Desmostylus]

P.S., great story racinchikki. I haven't experienced it from your side, but I'm always the one waiting in line behind the impossible customer.

[Chanticleer]

racinchikki

Now you know why I hate People
:D

[Xploder]

Originally posted by Desmostylus
Good thing that racinchikki only claimed to be "Omipotent" rather than "Omniscient", otherwise Xploder may have xploded the argument.

I try my very best not yo xplode unless provoked. :)

[norinew]

My sister works in the pizza biz. These days, she manages a whole bunch of stores, but back in her early days when she was just a lowly store manager, she had this experience:
Customer comes in to pick up her pizza, and one of the toppings is wrong.
Customer: This isn't what I ordered.
My sister: I'm very sorry, ma'am. We'll make you a new one right away, and we won't charge you for it.
C: I want this one, too. The messed up one.
MS: Yes, ma'am, of course.
C: (Pointing at pizza on shelf, waiting to be picked up) I want that one, too, to make up for my trouble.
MS: Umm, ma'am, that's someone elses pizza. I can't let you have that.

At this point, the custome proceeds to throw such a hissie fit because she can't have her own 2 free pizzas PLUS someone else's pizza, that one of the customers in the store offers to call the police to have her removed. At this point, the customer storms out, threatening (promising?) never to return. My sister breathes a sigh of relief.

I swear to God that's a true story.

[Xploder]

Originally posted by Xploder
I try my very best not yo xplode unless provoked. :)

Of course, I meant to not yo...ish...

[Persephone]

racinchikki, your OP...a thing of beauty. I am humbled by it's awesomeness. And "Magical Anus of Power..." Oh my. I think that's the best band name ever.

May we use your OP in Teemings Extras? It's glorious.

Thank you,
Persephone
Senior Editor, Teemings

[DAVEW0071]

Get over it.

This is no more or less than what my clients expect from me. I mean, if I can't rid their entire property of every bug known to man, what the hell good am I? They pay me to get rid of their pests, and that includes everything within a half-acre of their property.

You're obviously just a slacker, racinchikki. You should be ashamed of yourself.

p.s. Great OP. Great, great, great OP. You. Are. Magnificent.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

Chikkiboo, I keep meaning to tell you that you're a wonderful writer. Consider it done, now.

[Kat]

Wow. My customers shop at your store, too, racinchikki? Did you get the woman who calls to ask the price of an item 3 times (well, she calls, and then she has her cow-orker call, and then she calls again) and then says that her sale flyer lists a cheaper price and the flyer is 3 months expired?

[Duck Duck Goose]

Beautiful rant. I was the one standing in line at Orifice Max last month behind the woman who had the expired coupon for printer paper, and I would have thoroughly enjoyed watching you pull out your tiny violin and playing "My Heart Bleeds Purple Piss For You" at her.

I'm sorry, ma'am, today is the 5th and this coupon expired the 3rd
But it's only two days!
I'm sorry, ma'am, it's expired
But it's only two daayyys!
I'm SORRY, ma'am, it's EXPIRED
But it's oonnnnly twoooooo daaaaayyyyyys!!!
I'm SORRRRRY, ma'am...

It was at this point that a little music would have gone down nicely.

[racinchikki]

"Orifice Max" - hee! I work at "Maples," actually, unless someone can find a better term for it.

Praise - you'll turn my little head, you will.

Teemings Extras - I'd be honored.

Omipotent - I did say I am a very lowly goddess. I might have a magical anus of power, but that doesn't mean I can spell.

Kat, I believe I know that woman. She has many, many brothers and sisters, as well. And they are all alike.

[Silentgoldfish]

Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose
Beautiful rant. I was the one standing in line at Orifice Max last month behind the woman who had the expired coupon for printer paper, and I would have thoroughly enjoyed watching you pull out your tiny violin and playing "My Heart Bleeds Purple Piss For You" at her.

I'm sorry, ma'am, today is the 5th and this coupon expired the 3rd
But it's only two days!
I'm sorry, ma'am, it's expired
But it's only two daayyys!
I'm SORRY, ma'am, it's EXPIRED
But it's oonnnnly twoooooo daaaaayyyyyys!!!
I'm SORRRRRY, ma'am...

It was at this point that a little music would have gone down nicely.

We called this the broken record method of dealing with customers :).

[Tripler]

Aaah, yes, reminds me of several times where I worked at "Werwin Shmilliams" in a hoidy-toidy '90210' town where every dumb floozy wrapped in a fake mink was an 'interior decorator'. . . Like I need these things on my college's Christmas break . . .

Interior Decorator:"I'm looking for the color on trim of the VanDault house across the way.*"
Tripler: "To be honest, ma'am, I can't guarantee the color, but I'll get you as close as I can . . ."
ID: "Well, why not? It's right across the street?"
T:"To be honest, ma'am, I have no idea how old that paint is, besides the fact that it's peeling and most likely oxidized, and without a physical chip or sample, I would feel really uncomfortable matching it by eye. . ."
ID: "Well, what if I go *get* a sample?"
T: "Hey, if you can do that, we can get to work! ::smiles::"
ID: "I'll be right back . . ."

Two hours, and a couple of lattes at the Starbucks next door later. . .

ID:"Hi! I talked to you earlier. I have a sample. . ."
T: "Great! What have you got?"
ID: "A few flakes that I found on the sidewalk . . ."
T: (What the. . . I have a few square millimeters of flakes quite literally, a few square millimeters to work with? Oy vey!) Ma'am, was this is all you could find? It'll be tough . . "
ID: "But I thought it was your job to match it. . ."
T: "It is, but I'm not letting you walk out of here with a color you don't want. I'm going to show you what I can mix, but your not leaving without a gallon you can't use. . ."
ID: "Then, what good are you? Is there someone else I can talk to?"
T: "Ma'am, no. I'm the only one here right now, and even if someone else were here, they would prefer more to work with . . ."
ID: "Let me talk to the manager. . ."
T: "Ma'am, I am the manager. I need more to work with. I can't leave the store to go a block up the street and match it. If you can talk to the owner and get a sample, then I can match it."
ID: "Well!"
ID storms off. . .
T: Thinking aloud: 'Aaaah, one less suburban bitch I have to deal with . . .'

Chikki, just keep in mind one thing one of my personally favorite bosses once said to me: "You don't get paid enough to deal with this bullshit." If you feel the need, kick it upstairs. Other than that, send 'em my way. :D

Tripler
Bring me at least a 1/2 square inch sample, please. . .

[Global Citizen]

I don't wish to diminish anyone's bad times, or make fun of someone's bad situation......




BUT, The BBQ Pit has some of the funniest, most cerebral writing I've seen on the web.

:)

Be well, everyone.

[danceswithcats]

That was beautiful, racinchikki! Positively fabulous!!

Years ago I worked in an electronics store, and the phone was answered "Hello, *********Electronics, may I help you?" A restaurant chain opened about 40 miles away, but people would get us instead of them by swapping two digits of the prefix. After a week or so of the regular greeting followed by them asking "Is this ******** Station?" and my telling them they had misdialed, my horns grew.

I started taking reservations.

Announcing specials.

Giving group discounts.

"Why yes Mr. Putzley, we'd be happy to seat you and your party of 20 in the small meeting room. Thursday at 6 will be fine, Sir.
For groups of your size, a discount of 10% applies to all orders, including surf and turf. I can have bottles of Chateaux Wasshe le Pup 1942 specially labelled as gifts for your associates, Sir. Very good. Thank you for letting us handle your affair, we'll be waiting for you, Sir."

It's only (was then) 7 digits. Learn to dial, you boob. :D

[unclviny]

Originally posted by danceswithcats

I started taking reservations.

Announcing specials.

Giving group discounts.

"Why yes Mr. Putzley, we'd be happy to seat you and your party of 20 in the small meeting room. Thursday at 6 will be fine, Sir.
For groups of your size, a discount of 10% applies to all orders, including surf and turf. I can have bottles of Chateaux Wasshe le Pup 1942 specially labelled as gifts for your associates, Sir. Very good. Thank you for letting us handle your affair, we'll be waiting for you, Sir."

It's only (was then) 7 digits. Learn to dial, you boob. :D

When I get wrong numbers calling me at home, I am nice TWICE, the third time
"that son of a bitch owes me money, yeah he left town with that diseased whore he runs with, etc" , or some other evil story.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

unclviny

[Mighty_Girl]

Ouch!

I did that once. I used to have a private phone in my office that didn't go through the receptionist. For reasons unknown to me I got a lot of calls that were meant for a local TV show that ran weekly contests.

People won prizes if they called a certain question. Some called me once, I would respond "My Employer, good morning", obviously not the TV station. Some people would insist in telling me "the right answer" even if I had told them that it wasn't the TV station and to check the number and try again. Some called my number 2 and 3 times again. I made a rule that if the same person would call a third time (caller ID) I would respond "Local TV Show, good morning" and then take the answer, ask for their ID Number (kinda like social security no.) and tell them to go pick up their prize on the show, live. No more calls from that one.

After some times it got boring so I requested the line to be removed.

[racinchikki]

Today, we closed at 8:00. We close at 8:00 on every single weekday that isn't a holiday (on holidays we close at 5 or 6). We have been closing at 8:00 for as long as we have been open. We are never open later than 8:00, and never have been.

At 3:00 in the afternoon, I fielded a call from a lady who wished to know if we carried a particular piece of software she required. Indeed we do, and I told her as much, and quoted the price. She immediately hung up on me.

At 8:22, as I was mopping the tiles around the front doors, I heard a violent banging on the window. I looked out and saw a woman who appeared as a demonspawn of some sort, so angry was she. Her fist repeatedly struck against the plexiglass immediately over the large sign posting our store hours. Her hair was a mess, and her face was a mask of anger with flared nostrils, wild eyes and a frightening grimace. I timidly approached the door, flipped the switch that would allow me to open them partway, and risked the crack of doom.

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU CLOSED AT 8:00!!!!"
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we did close at 8:00. We always do on weeknights."
"I JUST CALLED HERE ABOUT BUYING MICROSOFT ASSTISSUE 2003 PRO UPGRADE!!! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE CLOSED!!!"
"Ma'am, you called FIVE HOURS AGO. At that point, we were still open. We have since closed. We'll be open again tomorrow from 9:00 to 6:00, early closing because of the holiday."
"LET ME IN! I NEED MY MICROSOFT ASSTISSUE 2003 PRO UPGRADE!!!!"
"Ma'am, even if I were to unlock the doors and let you in, you wouldn't be able to buy your software. All the registers have been shut down and the safe has been counted and locked. We won't be able to sell anything to anyone until nine o'clock tomorrow morning."
"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! IT TOOK ME FIFTEEN MINUTES TO DRIVE HERE AND I WON'T GO HOME WITHOUT MY MICROSOFT ASSTISSUE 2003 PRO UPGRADE!!!"
"Ma'am, if you'd like, I can get one of our copies off the shelf and write out a hold form for you, so you can be guaranteed a copy in the morning. But I am absolutely physically incapable of selling it to you tonight, because all the registers have been shut down and we can't sell anything without the register."
"THIS IS HORRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE! I'M GOING TO CALL YOUR HOME OFFICE!"

Good for you. I'm not sure what you expect them to do about it. I know you're the Queen of Everything, but even then, there are procedures that need to be followed.

In order to open up the safe again, we'd have needed to call the General Manager and explain the situation to him; he's on vacation across the country. Then we would have to call one of the other managers (the one closing with us was only a trainee, and can't open the safe by himself) so they could bring us the keys. Then we'd need to count money into a drawer, open a register, sell you your fucking Asstissue 2003 Pro Upgrade, close the register, recount the safe, relock the safe, clean everything up again and go home later. Nobody was willing to do that for somebody who had insufficient proof of her claim to the title of Queen of Everything.

To say nothing of the fact that if it had been immediately after we locked the doors, and one of the registers was still open and if I had been of a mind to let you in because of that, screaming at me like a Balrog would have completely erased any and all goodwill I felt towards you, and it would've ended just as badly. You catch more flies with sugar than with Balrogs, my dear queen.

For the record, this is nearly verbatim as well as I can remember her speech, as are the last two examples in the original post and the addendum I posted afterwards. The first two are merely representative samples of the thousands of people I have to deal with, but the other four actually happened.