To-day I Went To Subway

[Fnoonf]

My lord,

On this dark and sunless day, I have endeavoured to win the infidel's trust. I have ventured deep into his dark habitat, and I have tasted of the wretched refuse he draws his sustenance from. Take heed, kind sir! Lest you wish your childlike innocence wrested from you, read no further! This way lies an examination into the darkest, deepest recesses of human debauchery and depravity. Let the meek go no further.

The dread was such that even now, sitting safely in the comfort of my island sanctuary, the ordeal long past, I still shudder at the thought of it. Six horrific inches of white bread, into which was stuffed the charbroiled breast of a chicken, coated in an assortment of hideously coloured viscous substances which emanated the distinct, sickly sweet odour of moral decay. Slivered corpses of cabbage and onion, lying there flat and soaking in the stinking, oozing mess of Mammon's meat and flavor-fluids. Just the smell of it would have been enough to overpower me under normal circumstances, but my all-important role in this, the Holiest of Wars, steeled my resolve beyond that of my mortal ken, and with Herculean courage I sank my teeth into the thick, yielding bread.

Wearing a spurious mask of contentment upon my visage so as to not alert the mindless drones furiously masticating in my presence, I inwardly winced as my taste buds came into contact with this diabolic sandwich, this abomination from Below. Tentatively tearing strips from the thing, as an animal of the Wyld might gorge upon the innards of its prey, I felt the heavy lust of sin and corruption take hold of me. My resolve was slipping; my mask was, little by little, becoming real. And that, dear reader, was when it happened.

The bread, this Mephistophilean aberration, took on a life of its own, deciding, for whatever reason its loathsome intelligence would allow it, to attach itself to the upper portion of my mouth. There it sat, suctioned to my palate, gloating and quivering, rapidly devolving back into the mutant rubber paste it had doubtless congealed from originally. In a desperate bid to save my sanity I was forced to peel it with my finger from the roof of my mouth, from whence it flopped lifelessly onto my tongue, skidded an inch down, then made a dive for freedom, ending its existence on the tabletop with a thick, resounding plop that brought my gallant struggle to the attention of the drones populating the nearby tables. Had I not made that heroic dash for the door in the next instant, I have absolutely no doubt that I would not be sitting here by the fireplace at this moment, putting ink to paper, relating this story to you. I have no desire to ever venture into the belly of the Beast again. My failure in this is implicit, and for that I beg your forgiveness. I can only implore you: let it never be said that Don Fnoonfo did not attempt to do his part. It is my sincere hope, at least, that I have failed with honour.

Humbly, I remain

Don Fnoonfo de Alcabab

[kung fu lola]

Aaah yes, Subway and H.P. Lovecraft. A marriage made in Heaven... or... uh....


I have to go. ==zoom!

[porcupine]

I agree. Subway oogy. Last time I went there, I got food poisoning from a meatball sub.

[BoBettie]

So, was it good or what?

Mmmmmmm...Subway.

[Phoenix Dragon]

Damnit. Now I'm hungry...

[JohnT]

Jared! Jared! Jared!

God, am I getting sick of that guy.

[FisherQueen]

Mmmm... I love Subway chicken AND meatball subs. Separately. But I'll admit they aren't exactly haute cuisine, and I love them mostly with the part of my mind that says "Well, this beats cookin'."

[Neurotik]

Their Southwest Turkey Bacon thingie is delicious...especially if you can get the jalapeno cheese bread. DEEEEEE-lish.

[Max Carnage]

Subway doesn't use cabbage. You musta gone somewhere else.

Mmmmmmm...BBQ chicken sub on Jalepeno Cheddar. :drool:

[UncleBeer]

Urp. Subway food is like Taco Bell food. Which is to say, it ain't.

[Liberal]

I went there yester-day.

[Fnoonf]

Originally posted by Max Carnage
Subway doesn't use cabbage. You musta gone somewhere else.

So immense was the warping of my mental faculties following the failed consumption of the horrid chicken breast sub that I espied some ethereal connexion between cabbage and lettuce, one that does not exist in any objective reality. My apologies. The instrument of my demise contained lettuce. Lettuce, not cabbage.

I shall retire now, to further mourn the loss of my thought processes.

Signed,
D. F de A

[Dogzilla]

I, too, went to Subway today. Maybe you have to be a cute chick like me. See, when I roll up to the drive thru window, the manager there knows what I always order (Round Tuna with Cheese, Lettuce and Tomato, bag o Fritos and a diet coke) and has it ready by the time the customer in front of me is finished paying. He's good. And gives me freebies if the bread is stale or if I have some other complaint. Look, I realize it's not food, or even good food. I go there because I'm in the mood for garbage for lunch, or because I'm in a horrible hurry.

That said, I give this rant 50 bonus points for using, "Mephistophilean" in a sentence. Come up with something that rhymes with "Mephistophilean" and I'll give you 100 bonus points. Or use it in a haiku for 150.

[alice_in_wonderland]

I really like the veggie and cheese sub.

You got veggies. You got cheese. You got some yummy sub sauce.

Really, how can you go wrong? (I think I would avoid the meet though - it seems to just sit around for quite a while.

[TeleTronOne]

Nobody should eat at subway.

I worked there when I was younger, and trust me, none of that food is safe. I'm surprised more people don't get food poisoning and die.

You know that 'seafood' (read: a tub of may and fake crab) stuff they have? Yeah, that sits out for about a week or two before it gets to you because nobody orders it.

The food temp readings they take are usually falsified (this was before the Jack in the box thing, I imagine they're more careful now).

You don't even WANT to know the sanitary conditions back there. I mean, think about it, you're being served by a bunch of bored 16 year olds who hate their job.

And the whole 'We bake our own fresh bread' thing is a tad misleading, at best. The bread comes in frozen-solid lumps that are thrown in a hot oven for a few hours. That's not so bad. I guess I wouldn't trust your average sandwich artist to make bread dough either. But said bread then sits in that little rack-thingie for about 3 days before anyone actually eats it.

And beleive me, the sight of industrial-sized boxes of cold cuts is enough to make anyone fear a subway sandwich. Yech...

[Liberal]

Dogzilla wrote:

Come up with something that rhymes with "Mephistophilean" and I'll give you 100 bonus points. Or use it in a haiku for 150.He's an Achaean.
He's Mephistophelean.
He's Herculean.

(Complete with corrected spelling! :))

[Dolores Reborn]

Mephistophilean rhymes with:

He kissed a million?

(I'm really not sure how to pronounce it....) Do I get the points?


And Subway is ok---never got sick yet! My only complaint with them is they never have the "special" breads... only white and wheat. Whay advertise them then?

[Wilson]

Originally posted by JohnT
Jared! Jared! Jared!

God, am I getting sick of that guy.

Jared may be slightly annoying, but Clay Henry has got to go!

[channeling Sean Connery]
My name is Henry. Clay Henry.
[/cSC]

[mouthbreather]

But now he's down to a smaller size. Give it up for CLAY HENRY.

[Angel of the Lord]

Gotta agree with TeleTronOne here. My SO told me about the crab stuff, and I haven't eaten there since. And I always ordered ham and cheese subs (Country White bread, with pickles). No crab--but knowing about the crab'd make me sick anyway.

I had a similar experience with Taco Bell. A couple of friends worked there during high school. Never eating there. Ever.

[Early Out]

Originally posted by TeleTronOne
Nobody should eat at subway.

I worked there when I was younger, and trust me, none of that food is safe. I'm surprised more people don't get food poisoning and die.
...
You don't even WANT to know the sanitary conditions back there.
I suspect that if you've ever worked at any restaurant, you know more than you'd care to about the food service industry. Years ago, I worked at a very expensive, ritzy joint, and even there, conditions in the kitchen were, shall we say, more than a little sub-par. There are thousands upon thousands of cases of food poisoning in this country every year. The only defense is a strong immune system.

[Ukulele Ike]

Originally posted by alice_in_wonderland
You got some yummy sub sauce.





....."sub sauce" ?

[Intaglio]

I hate Subway, there is a putrid smell, that I can not tolerate.

Give me Quizno's anytime MMMM - Toasted Subs.

[Intaglio]

Oh I only go in for Wonder Woman figures/toys, they're the only Fast Food Joint that has them.

[j_kat_251]

I hate Subway, there is a putrid smell, that I can not tolerate

YES! the subway smell! it's fucking horrendous! does anyone know what causes it? I kind of thought it was the bread. But i can't reallyl ==place it. ((Sorry I;m drin k again~)

[BadBaby]

TeleTronOne just described the Subway where my friend worked to a T. Seth also mentioned that the meat slices were thawed out about once a week and if business was a bit slow they were used no matter how ripe they might get. Just mix a slice or two in with the 'fresher' stuff and no one's the wiser. Urple!
Though for a Wonder Woman figure, I might brave sentient lunchmeat.

[BoBettie]

Those Clay Henry ads crack me up- like the whole town sings this stupid song no matter where he goes and he's fed up with it. I like 'em.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally posted by Intaglio
Give me Quizno's anytime MMMM - Toasted Subs.

See, now, every time I eat at Quizno's I get a really upset stomach.

I mean REALLY upset.

I can't figure out what does it - they use the same stuff as everyone else, as far as I know.

It's very odd.

[Guinastasia]

Mmmm....roasted chicken breast with provolone cheese and lettuce on Italian herb bread or whatever it is. You don't even NEED sauce with that bread, it's so good.

Of course, if they don't have that, I get wheat, and ask for honey mustard. I used to get Caesar sauce but they don't have it anymore.

[ElwoodCuse]

I'd also like an explanation of the Subway smell. Every Subway I have ever walked by in several states always, and I mean always, smells like barf. WHY?

[Drastic]

I don't mind their food. (And there are horror stories from everyone who has ever worked food industry anywhere. I take them for granted, and trust to my immune system, which is buff and studly.)

But I cannot fathom how it is that the shade of searing radioactive yellow that every Subway uses inside can be legal.

[scablet]

I'm a Veggie Delite junkie. A six-incher, sans oil and mayo and cheese, plus a medium Diet Coke fills me right the hell up for under three bucks. And it's awful good with that parmesean oregano bread, even if it does come in frozen lumps.


However, being acquainted with several ex-Subway workers, I really wouldn't go for any of their cold cuts even if I did eat meat. And you won't get me anywhere near that tuna or "seafood."

[I can't believe that's butter!]

Originally posted by ElwoodCuse
I'd also like an explanation of the Subway smell. Every Subway I have ever walked by in several states always, and I mean always, smells like barf. WHY?


Yeast perhaps? I smelled a similar aroma (stronger) crossing a bridge near the Miller brewery in Milwaukee.

[Esprix]

I'll chime in with my love of Submarina. Mmmm! Turkey bacon and cheese, baby!

Esprix

[Soul Brother Number Two]

Very funny post, Don Fnoofo. Kudos to you-dos.

Give us more; perhaps you could gird your loins for a trip to the hellish underworld that is Taco Bell or something.

[80sHairMetalMaven]

On the day that started out as one that was truly hellish,
thank you for making me laugh.:D

IDBB*who is currently deeply entrenched in a love affair with a 6 in roast chicken with lettuce,tomatoes and black olives with sweet onion sauce on wheat*

[kaylasdad99]

Originally posted by BadBaby
TeleTronOne just described the Subway where my friend worked to a T. Seth also mentioned that the meat slices were thawed out about once a week and if business was a bit slow they were used no matter how ripe they might get. Just mix a slice or two in with the 'fresher' stuff and no one's the wiser. Urple!
Though for a Wonder Woman figure, I might brave sentient lunchmeat.
I'd just like to be the first to point out that [b]Brave Sentient Lunchmeat[/i] would be an excellent band name.

[Mac Guffin]

Originally posted by kaylasdad99
I'd just like to be the first to point out that Brave Sentient Lunchmeat would be an [i]excellent band name.

Or screen name. I may ask the Admins to change mine now.

[SCSimmons]

A Subway Moment TM from Christian's past:
Minimum wage employee is sweeping the floor. Sweep, sweep, sweep, trash and dropped food into the dustpan. Sweep, sweep ... glance furtively around ... sweep a couple tables, then back to the floor. Sweep, sweep ...
:eek:

[kaylasdad99]

Well, if you actually do it would you consider me an atttention whore if I asked you to credit me in your sig?

[Mac Guffin]

I changed my mind. But I would if I did.

[Homebrew]

Originally posted by TeleTronOne
And beleive me, the sight of industrial-sized boxes of cold cuts is enough to make anyone fear a subway sandwich. Yech... A friend of mine, way back in high school, worked at Long John Silvers for months. Once she quit, she couldn't even drive by the place without the smell making her ill. We had to take alternate roads to avoid the place.

[istara]

Subway. Making sandwiches junk food too.

[Intaglio]

For a Wonder Woman Action Figure/Toy, I just brave the smell.

[Teebone]

I prefer Togo's Avacado and Turkey...ummm good!

Also, Fazoli's Submarinos are better toasted subs than Quiznos.

Teebone

[kung fu lola]

Originally posted by Early Out
I suspect that if you've ever worked at any restaurant, you know more than you'd care to about the food service industry. Years ago, I worked at a very expensive, ritzy joint, and even there, conditions in the kitchen were, shall we say, more than a little sub-par. There are thousands upon thousands of cases of food poisoning in this country every year. The only defense is a strong immune system.

I have been having the opposite experience working at [a coffee chain named after a hockey player]. It is insanely clean there. The lady who works at the soup/sandwich station is always taking temp readings on our chili and the "fills" for sandwiches. From what I have seen, she follows procedure to the T. Whoever is put on washroom duty cleans the washrooms every hour, on the hour. We wipe tables down with sanitizer after clearing them. The baking area is always tidy. We really do brew a fresh pot of coffee every 20 minutes (we mark the times on the pots and we throw them out when their time is up, even if they're still full). I should know, I've spent the past two days brewing coffee. Everyone I've worked with washes their hands when switching tasks. The manager and owner are eagle-eyed when it comes to checking on whether everyone is following procedures for safe food handling. Ever wonder why we are so careful about using wax paper when we retrieve your donut/tea biscuit/muffin from the case? We are cashiers and money is filthy. Hell, sometimes we wash our hands "just because".
I feel 100% fine about how clean that place is. I would eat there.

[martin_ibn_martin]

I worked there, as well as D'Angelo's during my senior year in HS. I didn't notice any heinous practices, and occasionally someone would tip us with weed. Very impressive at that time in my life!

I still prefer D'Angelo's especially for the steak subs, (#9), which are actually grilled.. At Subway the "steak" is an indistinct, tendony grey mass that comes precooked with onions and peppers already mixed in. Nuke it, and into the steam table it goes. Perhaps that's heinous.

The worst is the frikkin' wallpaper. I got sooo tired of looking at that.

Martin

[Guinastasia]

Parmesan Oregano bread-that's it!

Love it.

And the Subways by us always smell good-like Italian dressing and freshly baked bread.

[Michael Ellis]

Originally posted by BadBaby
sentient lunchmeat

Band name!

[Michael Ellis]

Curses! Beaten to the band name!

Oh well, off to make myself a sandwich. (Dry Salami and mustard, btw)

[Naz]

Originally posted by TeleTronOne
Nobody should eat at subway.

I worked there when I was younger, and trust me, none of that food is safe. I'm surprised more people don't get food poisoning and die.


I feel the same way about Burger King. Worked at one for about a month when I was 16; almost four years later, I still can't walk into one without my eyes watering and my gag reflex ready and waiting in case I'm dumb enough to order something.

Hijack complete, carry on. :)

[blowero]

I got a turkey sandwich at Subway once that was pretty much past it's expiration date, so I took it back.

Me: "This turkey tastes spoiled."
Subway Guy: "It tastes spoiled?"

I thought that was pretty much English I was speaking.:confused:

[Max Carnage]

This thread inspired me to go to Subway last night for my fave BBQ chicken sandwich, loaded with every thing but cukes, and jalapenos. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmmm! It was like overstuffed with chicken! And the sandwich artists are very nice, thought the one guy does keep trying to upsell the combo.

[Lizard]

What bother me is that I will probably never again see the word "Mephistopholian" used in a sentence during my lifetime.

[lieu]

Clay Henry looks pretty pissed about being on that diet. I think he's about to snap.

[Esprix]

This thread made me go get a Submarina sandwich for lunch, which I'm eating right now.

And it's good.

That is all.

Esprix

[JayElle]

I love turkey subs from Subway. I've never gotten sick there and I have the prissiest, squeamish stomach in the entire world. My first job was at a Captain D's and we kept that place gleaming. The manager made us scrub every square inch of the place every shift.

I have been cheating on Subway lately with my new love - Schlotzky's Asian Almond Chicken Wrap. Yummy!

[Otto]

Originally posted by Dogzilla
Come up with something that rhymes with "Mephistophilean" and I'll give you 100 bonus points. Or use it in a haiku for 150.
Rhyme: Awful lotta peein'.

Haiku:
Devil sandwiches
Dash all hope of winter's end
It's Mephistophelean

(I should get some extra points for including a seasonal allusion as found in the best classical haiku)