Ask the Dalek

[Legomancer]

WE ARE THE DALEKS! WE ARE YOUR MASTERS! THE DALEKS WILL EXTERMINATE ANY OPPOSITION! ASK WHATEVER QUESTIONS YOU LIKE BUT BE WARNED THAT ANY RESISTANCE WILL RESULT IN EXTERMINATION!

(Note: Legomancer here. I personally am not a Dalek, but there's one in the room here who will be answering the questions, and I'm typing this for him since my keyboard isn't Dalek-compatable.)

[Q.E.D.]

Borg vs. Daleks -- who would win?

[hawthorne]

Why are there chairs on your ships? Hoping Davros will get better?

[UncleBeer]

Okay. How do you Daleks walk with those malformed appendages that pass for feet?

[Legomancer]

Borg vs. Daleks -- who would win?

DALEKS REIGN SUPREME!

Why are there chairs on your ships? Hoping Davros will get better?

IT IS NOT FOR INFERIOR SPECIES TO QUESTION THE CHAIRS OF THE DALEKS! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

How do you Daleks walk with those malformed appendages that pass for feet?

DALEKS HAVE NO NEED FOR FEET! OUR CASINGS ARE EQUIPPED WITH SUPERIOR DALEK TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS US TO NAVIGATE STAIRS AND UNEVEN TERRAIN! NO PLACE IS SAFE FROM THE DALEKS!

[Tapioca Dextrin]

What's the deal with stairs?

[Trion]

Jelly Baby?

[Mojo]

Which is your favourite/least favourite Doctor?

[Meatros]

What exactly is a "DALEKS" and why do they like cyber-yelling so much?

[Jonathan Chance]

What's up with the cheesy computers in your ships? If you guys are all about technology could you afford some like Pentium 4's or something?

[Czarcasm]

Is there anything more fun than watching a Dalek on an escalator?

[OpalCat]

Meatros: alien robot villains from Dr. Who. The cyber-yelling is necessary to convey the way they speak. Trust me on this one.

[GIGObuster]

Are you related somehow to that tobacco vending machine?

You know, the one in that anti-smoking ad were the guy in a park defeats the machine just by showing it a pack of nicotine gum? :D

[NoClueBoy]

In Genesis of the Daleks, when Davros had the scientists locked up and was about to say the order that would release the Daleks out into the remotest parts of the universe in order to spread his idea of the ultimate marraige of form vs function, but was foiled (somewhat) by The Doctor (fourth incarnation, third regeneration) who had been sent by the Time Lords to prevent the destruction of all life as we know it... What was the lock's combination?

[Snooooopy]

Who's the black private Dalek who's a sex machine to all the chicks?

[Go alien]

How do you turn the pages of a book with one sucker and a ray-gun?

[Tristan]

I would imagine that they can do it, since they can climb stairs with the help of some sort of levitation device.

[Tansu]

Do Daleks enjoy the holiday season? Where do you spend Christmas and Thanksgiving? Do all the Daleks go to Davros' house for a turkey dinner?

[Drastic]

Do you veiw those alternate-Doctor-universe-Daleks who shoot steam as the black sheep of the family?

[Armilla]

What's the deal with...y'know...the bumps?

Also, are you friends with the Dalek that posed with a nude Katy Manning? Can you get me his autograph?

[brainfizz]

How do Daleks, you know, do it?

[CalMeacham]

According to a button I once saw at an sf convention,


Daleks don't climb stair. Daleks level the building

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Where is the coin slot in a Dalek? The one you put a penny in to get a gumball?

[OpalCat]

Originally posted by Armilla
What's the deal with...y'know...the bumps?

They're for her pleasure, of course. Big duh right there.

[Legomancer]

What's the deal with stairs?

BEINGS WHO CANNOT READ WILL BE EASILY CRUSHED BY THE DALEKS!

Which is your favourite/least favourite Doctor?

THE BEING KNOWN AS THE DOCTOR IS AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS AND WILL BE EXTERMINATED IN ANY OF HIS INCARNATIONS! BUT IN HIS FOURTH INCARNATION HE ALTERED OUR HISTORY AND STARTED A DALEK CIVIL WAR WHICH NEARLY DECIMATED US AND SET BACK OUR DEVELOPMENT A THOUSAND YEARS, SO THAT IS THE ONE THAT REALLY BUGS US.

What's up with the cheesy computers in your ships? If you guys are all about technology could you afford some like Pentium 4's or something?

DALEK TECHNOLOGY IS SUPREME!

In Genesis of the Daleks, when Davros had the scientists locked up and was about to say the order that would release the Daleks out into the remotest parts of the universe in order to spread his idea of the ultimate marraige of form vs function, but was foiled (somewhat) by The Doctor (fourth incarnation, third regeneration) who had been sent by the Time Lords to prevent the destruction of all life as we know it... What was the lock's combination?

YOUR BASEMENT WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS! YOUR MOTHER WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS! YOUR E.T. NIGHT-LIGHT WILL CERTAINLY NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS!

Who's the black private Dalek who's a sex machine to all the chicks?

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

How do you turn the pages of a book with one sucker and a ray-gun?

BOOKS ARE INFERIOR TECHNOLOGY, BUT IF THE NEED ARISES, THAT'S WHAT SLAVES AND OGRONS ARE FOR!

Do Daleks enjoy the holiday season? Where do you spend Christmas and Thanksgiving? Do all the Daleks go to Davros' house for a turkey dinner?

THE DALEKS DO NOT FORMALLY OBSERVE ANY HOLIDAYS BUT WE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO PROFESS A DESIRE FOR PLUM PUDDING!

Do you veiw those alternate-Doctor-universe-Daleks who shoot steam as the black sheep of the family?

THIS IS SOMETHING THE DALEKS DO NOT DISCUSS WITH OUTSIDERS!

What's the deal with...y'know...the bumps?

Also, are you friends with the Dalek that posed with a nude Katy Manning? Can you get me his autograph?

THEY LOCATE ETHERIC BEAM TRANSMISSIONS! KATY MANNING IS KNOWN TO THE DALEKS AND FOR CERTAIN REASONS SHE WILL BE EXTERMINATED LAST!

How do Daleks, you know, do it?

THOSE BEINGS THAT ARE NOT EXTERMINATED WILL SERVE THE DALEKS BY BEING SHAPED INTO A FORM SUITABLE FOR OUR CASINGS! ALL WILL BECOME LIKE THE DALEKS OR BE EXTERMINATED!

[The Clawman]

YOUR BASEMENT WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS! YOUR MOTHER WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS! YOUR E.T. NIGHT-LIGHT WILL CERTAINLY NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE DALEKS

Almost cracked a rib laughing at this! Cheers, Legomancer.

[Enzyme]

Could you keep the noise down please? You have aggressive , rater grating sounding voices and there really is no call for it.

I may have to speak to the BBC Radiophonic Workshop about you otherwise.

[Enzyme]

that should be 'rather'

Please apologise to the Daleks on my behalf.

[NoClueBoy]

Is K-9 your pet? You seem to have similar voices.

[Armilla]

Who made the design decision to use sink plungers? Wouldn't soemthing a little more scary (http://www.btinternet.com/~lightintheblack/hunters/default.htm) be appropriate?

[Colibri]

Is North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il really a Dalek? He certainly sounds like one.

[Kal]

Ever thought about an anger management course?

[RealityChuck]

If the Daleks reign supreme why does a single renegade time lord with a broken-down Tardis contually thwart their plans?

Also, if Daleks reign supreme, logically, their cuisine also reigns surpreme. Have you ever thought of appearing on Iron Chef? Or is "Iron Chef" just another name for a Dalek cook?

[Tygr]

What's Davros like, really? I bet at home, he's just a big teddy bear, right? C'mon you can tell us.

Did you know that when Lego types what you say, you come out sounding like Beldar Conehead?* Maybe you ought to talk to him about that.

So,who would win in a three-corner fight between Daleks, Borg, and Coneheads?




Armilla: Okay, THOSE Daleks are actually scary.

Legomancer: Kudos, man. Funniest thread so far this year.

I mean, among the 27 threads I've actually read.



*It's true! That's EXACTLY how it's sounding in my head!

[Tapioca Dextrin]

Originally posted by Colibri
Is North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il really a Dalek? He certainly sounds like one.

Don't need a DALEK to answer that one. Everyone knows he's a tranformer (http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/kim_jong_ii.html).

[Michael Ellis]

So, how you doin'?

[Legomancer]

Could you keep the noise down please? You have aggressive , rater grating sounding voices and there really is no call for it.

YOUR QUESTION MAKES NO SENSE! SHOULD THAT BE 'RATHER'?

that should be 'rather'

THE DALEKS' SPELLING AND GRAMMAR ARE SUPREME! TYPOS HAVE BEEN EXTERMINATED!

Is K-9 your pet? You seem to have similar voices.

NONE OF THE THREE UNITS DESIGNATED 'K-9' ARE CURRENTLY IN DALEK POSSESSION. HOWEVER, THEY WILL EVENTUALLY SERVE THE DALEKS OR BE EXTERMINATED!

Who made the design decision to use sink plungers?

THE DALEKS WERE ORIGINALLY DESIGNED BY DAVROS! OUR MANIPULATORS HAVE NOT IMPEDED OUR ABILITY TO CONQUER SPACE, TIME, OR KATY MANNING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Is North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il really a Dalek? He certainly sounds like one.

HE IS NOT A DALEK! HE IS A ZYGON IN DISGUISE! PERHAPS I HAVE SAID TOO MUCH! MOVING ON...

Ever thought about an anger management course?

THIS HAS BEEN SUGGESTED IN THE PAST BY OTHERS, WHO OFTEN FOLLOW THEIR SUGGESTION WITH 'OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!' AND SCREAMS OF PAIN!

If the Daleks reign supreme why does a single renegade time lord with a broken-down Tardis contually thwart their plans?

THE DOCTOR IS MERELY A NUISANCE! HE SHALL NOT STOP THE DALEKS!

Also, if Daleks reign supreme, logically, their cuisine also reigns surpreme. Have you ever thought of appearing on Iron Chef? Or is "Iron Chef" just another name for a Dalek cook?

THE ENTITY KNOWN AS CHAIRMAN KAGA HAS DECLINED ALL CHALLENGES FROM THE DALEKS! HE WILL NEVER TASTE OUR SUPERIOR DALEK CUISINE BUT HE WILL TASTE OUR DEATH RAYS!

What's Davros like, really? I bet at home, he's just a big teddy bear, right? C'mon you can tell us.

DAVROS IS NOT A DALEK AND THEREFORE IS INFERIOR TO THE DALEKS! HE IS NOT VITAL TO THE DALEK VICTORY!

So, how you doin'?

FINE THANK YOU AND YOURSELF?

[Michael Ellis]

I'm fine.

[Michael Ellis]

Oh, and what do you think of Cybermen? Terence Dicks once called them "great silver lummoxes". Do you agree with this statement? Explain.

[RickJay]

Dear Dalek;

My in-laws just can't seem to keep their nose out of my business. You see, they're constantly telling us how to discipline our kids - do this, don't do that. They call four, five times a week and that's all I hear. My wife can't seem to stand up to them, but I don't know if it's my place to confront them directly. What should I do?

Signed,

Perturbed in Pittsburgh

[Dodonna]

Zerinza, friend Dalek!

If the Dalek Supreme fell over in a petrified forest on the planet Skaro, would he make a sound?

How many rels does it take to make a three-minute egg?

Why does the Dalek language forbid the letter "J"? Does that mean that you cannot feel joy? Eat jelly? Wear a jockstrap?

Zyquivilly!

[Don Draper]

1. Apart from Katy Manning, which "Dr Who babe" would you like to get it on with?

2. Why is that "Dr Who" is the only old sci-fi t.v. show that hasn't been made into a big screen movie ? (discounting, of course, the two cheapies made in the mid 60's starring yourselves...)

3. Who'd win in the following death matches: a)the Sontarins vs. the Klingons? b) the Cybermen vs. the Borg? c) the Black Guardian vs. Q? d) the Master vs. Scorpius (from 'Farscape', couldn't think of a ST equiv for him)? e) K-9 vs. Data? f) Kamillion vs. Lore? and f) the Ferengi vs. whatever race that 'Sil' from 'Vengeance on Varos' hails from?

[Exgineer]

Why should I be intimidated by an ambulatory trash bin?

[Legomancer]

Oh, and what do you think of Cybermen? Terence Dicks once called them "great silver lummoxes". Do you agree with this statement? Explain.

THIS TERRANCE DICKS BEING IS CORRECT! THE DALEKS FEAR NOTHING, ESPECIALLY CYBORGS THAT HAVE TO TIE THEIR BOOT LACES! GOLD DALEKS WERE DEVELOPED TO COMBAT CYBERMEN BUT WE HAVE FOUND THAT SIMPLY SHOWING THEM PHOTOGRAPHS OF GOLD AND DESCRIBING GOLD WORKS JUST AS WELL!

My in-laws just can't seem to keep their nose out of my business. You see, they're constantly telling us how to discipline our kids - do this, don't do that. They call four, five times a week and that's all I hear. My wife can't seem to stand up to them, but I don't know if it's my place to confront them directly. What should I do?

I SUPPOSE SUGGESTING EXTERMINATION IS TOO OBVIOUS. HAVE YOU DISCUSSED THIS WITH YOUR WIFE? HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT IT?

If the Dalek Supreme fell over in a petrified forest on the planet Skaro, would he make a sound?

THE DALEK SUPREME IS EQUIPPED WITH SUPERIOR DALEK STABILIZERS! THIS QUESTION SUGGEST AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION AND IS THEREFORE IRRELEVANT!


How many rels does it take to make a three-minute egg?

APPROXIMATELY 138.5!

Why does the Dalek language forbid the letter "J"? Does that mean that you cannot feel joy? Eat jelly? Wear a jockstrap?

HOW DARE YOU SAY "J" TO ME!? BAZ YOU, WIBBIAL!

Zyquivilly!

YOU ARE LEARNING THE SUPERIOR DALEK LANGUAGE! YOU ARE ALMOST READY TO BECOME A DALEK!

Apart from Katy Manning, which "Dr Who babe" would you like to get it on with?

SOME DALEKS MIGHT SAY PERI BUT PERSONALLY I FEEL THAT MORE THAN A PLUNGER-FULL IS A WASTE!

Why is that "Dr Who" is the only old sci-fi t.v. show that hasn't been made into a big screen movie ? (discounting, of course, the two cheapies made in the mid 60's starring yourselves...)

THE DALEK EMPEROR HAS BEEN IN TALKS WITH SPIELBERG FOR SOME TIME NOW BUT THERE ARE VARIOUS SCRIPT DIFFICULTIES!

Who'd win in the following death matches: a)the Sontarins vs. the Klingons? b) the Cybermen vs. the Borg? c) the Black Guardian vs. Q? d) the Master vs. Scorpius (from 'Farscape', couldn't think of a ST equiv for him)? e) K-9 vs. Data? f) Kamillion vs. Lore? and f) the Ferengi vs. whatever race that 'Sil' from 'Vengeance on Varos' hails from?

THE CLONE RACE WITH VIDEO-PHONES VS. THE RACE THAT CAN'T SERVE TEA WITHOUT STARTING A CIVIL WAR? THE SNEAKER-WEARING ROBOTS VS. THE CYBORGS THAT CAN BE SLEPT TO DEATH? THE MAN WITH THE BIRD ON HIS HEAD VS. THE MAN WHO WANTS TO ENGAGE IN INTERCOURSE WITH JANEWAY? THE LUNATIC LOSER VS. SOMEONE I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH? THE ROBOT DOG VS. THE OPERA-SINGING ROBOT? THE ROBOT THAT DOESN'T WORK VS. THE ROBOT THAT SHOULDN'T? THE MENTORS VS. THE MENTORS?

PUT THEM ALL IN A BIG PIT AND LET THEM KILL EACH OTHER. WE WILL EXTERMINATE WHOEVER EMERGES.

[Dodonna]

Originally posted by Legomancer
THE MAN WITH THE BIRD ON HIS HEAD VS. THE MAN WHO WANTS TO ENGAGE IN INTERCOURSE WITH JANEWAY?

Waaaaaait a rel, if the letter "J" is forbidden to Daleks, how is it that you just used it in the name "Janeway"? And didn't you also use it in your response to my "J" question?

Perhaps it is you who should be exterminated. Pardon me while I put in a call to the Black Dalek. Nesd!

P.S. What is the name of Peter Parker's boss at the Daily Bugle?

[LIONsob]

Dear Dalek
The roaches are starting to get out of hand around here, what do you reccomend?
signed
Overrun by bugs in TX

[AveDementia]

Legomancer, I want to have your baby.


Seriously.


::is awed and facinated::

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Megatron, Leader of the Decepticons, has announced that his Decepticon forces can kick your shiney metal @sses. ( By "Megatron" I mean the G1 Transformer that can Transform into a pistol, not the wimpy Cartoon Network travesty, nor the Beast Wars/Tron reject).

Any comments?

Bender of Futurama has also announced that you can kiss his shiney metal @ss. Comments? Do you Daleks find Bender's offer...arousing?

[Enzyme]

What evil end are you pursuing by answering questions on the SDMB?

How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?

[Tristan]

While Peri is delectable.....

Well, that's pretty much it. She's delectable.

Pardon me, there seems to be something in my pants.......

**much later**


Excuse me Dalek, but what is the best way to remove zygotic suspension fluid stains from ones trousers?

[Legomancer]

Waaaaaait a rel, if the letter "J" is forbidden to Daleks, how is it that you just used it in the name "Janeway"? And didn't you also use it in your response to my "J" question?

YOU ARE RATIN' AN EXTERMINATIN'!

What is the name of Peter Parker's boss at the Daily Bugle?

PETER PARKER IS A FREELANCE PHOTOGRAPHER AND THUS IS HIS OWN BOSS!

The roaches are starting to get out of hand around here, what do you reccomend?

BORIC ACID! APPLY LIBERALLY WHEREVER YOU SEE ROACHES, ESPECIALLY BEHIND APPLIANCES!

Megatron, Leader of the Decepticons, has announced that his Decepticon forces can kick your shiney metal @sses.

OH NO! WHAT IF WHILE WE'RE BUSY MOWING DOWN THEIR FORCES WITH DEATH RAYS THEY TURN INTO TAPE RECORDERS? DO NOT MAKE THE DALEKS LAUGH!

Bender of Futurama has also announced that you can kiss his shiney metal @ss. Comments? Do you Daleks find Bender's offer...arousing?

THE ROBOT KNOWN AS BENDER IS OF GREAT INTEREST TO THE DALEKS! MORE INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED!

What evil end are you pursuing by answering questions on the SDMB?

I AM BORED AT WORK!

How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?

THE DALEKS' ETHERIC BEAM LOCATORS ENABLE US TO SEE IN ALL LIGHT CONDITIONS! LIGHT BULBS ARE IRRELEVANT!

Excuse me Dalek, but what is the best way to remove zygotic suspension fluid stains from ones trousers?

BORIC ACID!

[Borusa]

Are the Daleks a mutated form of the creature Zippy in 'Rainbow'? You and he sound suspiciously similar.

[Esprix]

Have you seen "Curse of the Fatal Death" (http://us.imdb.com/Details?0212887), the Comic Relief short with Rowan Atkinson as the 10th Doctor, and Jonathan Pryce as the Master? CLASSIC ribs on the Daleks. "WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER!" :D

Originally posted by Art Vandelay, Architect

2. Why is that "Dr Who" is the only old sci-fi t.v. show that hasn't been made into a big screen movie ? (discounting, of course, the two cheapies made in the mid 60's starring yourselves...)

And let's not forget the 1996 Fox travesty "Doctor Who" (http://us.imdb.com/Details?0116118) with Paul McGann and Eric Roberts.

Esprix

[Michael Ellis]

Originally posted by Esprix
And let's not forget the 1996 Fox travesty "Doctor Who" (http://us.imdb.com/Details?0116118) with Paul McGann and Eric Roberts.

If you don't mind, I'd rather forget it.

[pravnik]

I'm so glad you started this thread. I'm currently dating a Dalek, and sometimes when we're together lately she gets really quiet and kind of distant. When I ask her what's wrong, she always says "nothing, I'm fine". I don't know if it's us, or if there's something else bothering her. If it isn't us, I'd like to cheer her up somehow. Any suggestions?

[Master Wang-Ka]

I was bored at work, too. For the hell of it, I typed "Dalek" into a search engine... and was amazed at the number of British hobby sites there are on the Internet that exchange information about how to build your own life-sized Dalek in your garage.

Now this... was... disturbing. I knew an American who was waaaay too into "Star Trek", and built his own fourteen-foot Enterprise model out of plywood in his garage. We all liked "Star Trek," too... but if we HAD to build our own Enterprise, we went out and bought the little ones for $2.99, instead of dropping six hundred bucks on one big enough to clog your garage. We all thought he was nuts.

But there was only ONE of him... I certainly never heard of anyone ELSE who did anything like this.

Now, I find that there are a minimum of a dozen Brits out there merrily building plywood Daleks at home, encouraging others to do so, and publishing their blueprints, design tips, and photos. Why? What use does one have for a plywood Dalek? Bird feeders? Port-A-Johns? Whatthehell do you DO with a life-sized Dalek model?

Or is there something... MORE... at work, here?

[Esprix]

We're slowly but surely taking over fan conventions.

Esprix

[Legomancer]

And let's not forget the 1996 Fox travesty "Doctor Who" with Paul McGann and Eric Roberts.

DO NOT REMIND ME! THE DALEKS WERE EXTREMELY UNHAPPY WITH OUR PORTRAYAL IN THAT AWFUL THING!


I'm currently dating a Dalek, and sometimes when we're together lately she gets really quiet and kind of distant. When I ask her what's wrong, she always says "nothing, I'm fine". I don't know if it's us, or if there's something else bothering her. If it isn't us, I'd like to cheer her up somehow. Any suggestions?

WHY NOT GIVE HER SOME ROMANTIC CANDY (http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/heartmaker.cgi?text1=XTER&text2=MIN8&color=Green&r=1545721674)?

Now, I find that there are a minimum of a dozen Brits out there merrily building plywood Daleks at home, encouraging others to do so, and publishing their blueprints, design tips, and photos. Why? What use does one have for a plywood Dalek? Bird feeders? Port-A-Johns? Whatthehell do you DO with a life-sized Dalek model?

NO DOUBT THEY ARE PREPARING FOR THE INEVITABLE DALEK CONQUEST OF YOUR PLANET! THEY ARE PRACTICING THEIR SKILLS AT ERECTING MONUMENTS TO THEIR SUPERIORS! PERHAPS WE WILL LET THEM BUILD THEIR OWN CASINGS WHEN THEY ARE TURNED INTO DALEKS!

[Doctor]

The problem with the Daleks is that they have an overbearing and annoying habit of thinking that everyone else is inferior to them -- it seems to be some sort of overcompensation, perhaps, of their own feeling of ridiculousness as they look like overgrown pepper pots.

And, just remember, I have the sonic screwdriver! :D

-- The Doctor

[knock knock]

What is your motivation for fusing your hip-hop sound "from elements of Rock, Psychadelica, Jazz, indigenous South Asian and African music"? (as described in your matador records biography)

What impact did the multicultural environment of your youth have on your musical career?

Do you consider it a compliment that Billboard.com described your music as "Some of the most out-there hip-hop in the underground world. Fascinatingly freaky"?

[RealityChuck]

When Daleks get constipation, do they change their cry to "E-LIM-I-NATE"?

[Tapioca Dextrin]

Dear Mr Dalek, do you have any pets?

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally posted by Tapioca Dextrin
Dear Mr Dalek, do you have any pets?

I think they have a Tamagotchi.... :D

[DocCathode]

A few months ago, I was playing poker with some of my colleagues. At the end of the night, I had won $50, a large amount of vacuum tubes, a Klein bottle, and a TARDIS.

I finally finished reading the manual, and was about to make my first trip when disaster struck.

First, the cloaking device is stuck on portajohn. There's something fundamentally unsatisfying about the thought of cruising through time and space in a toilet.

Second, and far worse, I locked the key inside. I've called around but none of the local locksmiths have the tools to open a TARDIS.

Any help you could give in these matters would be greatly appreciated.

[Q.E.D.]

RTFM! (http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5013/tardismanual.html) :D

[DocCathode]

Read my post!

I already read the manual!

I also constructed a sonic screwdriver to fix the thing. Unfortunately, a friend ruined that by using it to open a bottle of Bud.

[ILENSER]

Do you use "C" or "D" cell size batteries?

[Legomancer]

The problem with the Daleks is that they have an overbearing and annoying habit of thinking that everyone else is inferior to them

IT IS NOT OVERBEARING IF IT'S TRUE! THE DALEKS ARE SUPREME!

And, just remember, I have the sonic screwdriver!

HAD! THE TERILEPTILS DESTROYED IT!

What is your motivation for fusing your hip-hop sound "from elements of Rock, Psychadelica, Jazz, indigenous South Asian and African music"? (as described in your matador records biography)

THAT INDIVIDUAL WILL BE HEARING FROM OUR LEGAL COUNCIL SOON, AND HE WILL WISH OUR LEGAL COUNCIL CONSISTED OF LAWYERS INSTEAD OF HEAVY WEAPONS DALEKS! AFTER THAT, HE'LL BE A SIMPLE FUSION OF CARBON AND WHATEVER HE WAS STANDING ON AT THE MOMENT!

When Daleks get constipation, do they change their cry to "E-LIM-I-NATE"?

NO!

Dear Mr Dalek, do you have any pets?

I USED TO HAVE A SLYTHER WHEN I WAS YOUNG BUT DAVROS SENT TO TO A FARM WHERE THERE WERE OTHER SLYTHERS IT COULD PLAY WITH AND LOTS OF FIELDS TO RUN IN!

Any help you could give in these matters would be greatly appreciated.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD USE A STATTENHEIM REMOTE CONTROL! THIS IS A DEVICE INVENTED BY THE SAME PERSON WHO INVENTED THE MEGABYTE MODEM!

Do you use "C" or "D" cell size batteries?

WE USED TO BE POWERED BY STATIC ELECTRICITY, BUT THAT PROVED TO BE INCONVENIENT! NOW WE ARE SOLAR POWERED BUT CAN ALSO BE FITTED WITH OTHER POWER SOURCES IF NEED BE!


I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING NOW BUT WILL RETURN LATER!

[lonelocust]

In the Student Union at U of Houston there used to be a Dr. Who pinball game with a DALEK sprouting from the top of it. I played it constantly because it was without exception the loudest game in a room filled with video games. It would bark out: DESTROY ALL FLESH!! and stuff like that.

Ah, good times...good times.

[Esprix]

My favorite Dalek was the one the William Hartnell look-alike blew up in "The Five Doctors." Looked like one of those kids toys that you hooked up to the hose and water sprayed out of all those rubber tubes all over the place, except it was green (the Dalek, not the water). Made a lovely sound as it died.

Esprix

[SpazCat]

Mr. Dalek! Once as Dr. Who was leaving an elevator, he accidentally whacked a Dalek's head, spinning its plunger backwards. The Dalek never corrected this. Whatever happened to that Dalek?

[Baker]

Mr. Dalek! Do Daleks ever hire out as hit men/people/entities for us lesser races? Because there is a certain carbon-based lifeform here in my town that poses as a human preacher. He's even more detestable than most of the rest of us humans. So how about it?

[SpazCat]

Mr. Dalek, just one more question! Any comment on these photos of Dalek underlings having an unauthorized good time while on vacation in London?

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5013/peter1.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5013/peter2.jpg

[Alzarian]

I was rather disappointed that not a single Dalek chose to try out for the "American Idol" or "Pop Idol" auditions. Is there a good reason why your race hasn't sent a representative to break the polycarbonate ceiling, as it were, and become a Pop Star?

For that matter, Big Brother could become a vastly more entertaining show were a Dalek to join the next cast.

C'mon now. Seeing how the "Doctor Who" gig has dried up for the time being, are you currently entertaining any offers to appear in other programs?

[Legomancer]

In the Student Union at U of Houston there used to be a Dr. Who pinball game with a DALEK sprouting from the top of it. I played it constantly because it was without exception the loudest game in a room filled with video games. It would bark out: DESTROY ALL FLESH!! and stuff like that.

AND THE BEST PART IS, EVERY QUARTER YOU PUT IN WENT TOWARDS BUILDING THE DALEK DEATH FLEET! THE EMPEROR DALEK IS SUPREME! HE GETS INFERIOR HUMANS TO PAY FOR THEIR OWN EXTERMINATION!

My favorite Dalek was the one the William Hartnell look-alike blew up in "The Five Doctors." Looked like one of those kids toys that you hooked up to the hose and water sprayed out of all those rubber tubes all over the place, except it was green (the Dalek, not the water). Made a lovely sound as it died.

THAT SCENE IS THE DALEK EQUIVALENT OF 'BAMBI'! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED FOR BRINGING A TEAR TO MY EYESTALK!

Mr. Dalek! Once as Dr. Who was leaving an elevator, he accidentally whacked a Dalek's head, spinning its plunger backwards. The Dalek never corrected this. Whatever happened to that Dalek?

IT WAS REPAIRED LATER!

Do Daleks ever hire out as hit men/people/entities for us lesser races? Because there is a certain carbon-based lifeform here in my town that poses as a human preacher. He's even more detestable than most of the rest of us humans. So how about it?

WE WILL GET TO HIM SOONER OR LATER! HIS NAME ISN'T THE REVEREND MAGISTER, IS IT? IF SO, WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH HIM!

Any comment on these photos of Dalek underlings having an unauthorized good time while on vacation in London?

THEY HAVE BEEN DISCIPLINED! RECREATION WITHOUT EXTERMINATION IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY THE DALEK CONSTITUTION!

I was rather disappointed that not a single Dalek chose to try out for the "American Idol" or "Pop Idol" auditions. Is there a good reason why your race hasn't sent a representative to break the polycarbonate ceiling, as it were, and become a Pop Star?

YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AT HOW MUCH ANTI-DALEK BIGOTRY THERE IS! AND YET NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT IT! WHEN YOU ARE SCREAMING FOR MERCY IN FRONT OF OUR DEATH RAYS, TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK, "WOULD I BE SUFFERING THIS HORRIBLE FATE IF I HAD EXTENDED A HAND OF FRIENDSHIP TOWARDS THE DALEKS?" NOT THAT IT WOULD HAVE MATTERED, OF COURSE, SINCE YOU ARE INFERIOR LIFE FORMS!

For that matter, Big Brother could become a vastly more entertaining show were a Dalek to join the next cast.

AND VASTLY SHORTER!

C'mon now. Seeing how the "Doctor Who" gig has dried up for the time being, are you currently entertaining any offers to appear in other programs?

WE HAVE JUST COMPLETED A PILOT FOR A GAME SHOW CALLED "WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE EXTERMINATED?"! IN IT, WE ASK THE CONTESTANTS QUESTIONS AND THEN SIX DALEKS SURROUND THEM REPEATING "ANSWER TRUE OR FALSE! ANSWER! ANSWER! ANSWER TRUE OR FALSE!" UNTIL THEY CRACK. THEN WE EXTERMINATE THEM! IT'S BEEN TESTING POSITIVE WITH MALES 14-25!

[Tygr]

Originally posted by SpazCat
Any comment on these photos of Dalek underlings having an unauthorized good time while on vacation in London?

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5013/peter1.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5013/peter2.jpg Mmmmm....Teegan....
Originally posted by Legomancer
THEY HAVE BEEN DISCIPLINED!Mmmmm....Teegan disciplined....


Whoops, sorry. Reliving a late-adolescence fantasy for a moment there...




Anyway. Mr Dalek, I note with some dismay that you have sidestepped my previous questions regarding the Conehead menace. Perhaps you'd wish to correct that oversight at the present time? For the record, I'll re-state the questions:Did you know that when Lego(mancer) types what you say, you come out sounding like Beldar Conehead? Maybe you ought to talk to him about that.

So,who would win in a three-corner fight between Daleks, Borg, and Coneheads?These questions deserve a straightforward answer, Mr. Dalek. The Terran people have a right to know!

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

What about the rumors of a 4X4, moster truck/bigfoot version of the Daleks?

Will he be crushing Yugos at a Monster Truck Rally soon?

[Weird_AL_Einstein]

[Prime Minister's Question Time] Would the Esteemed Dalek from Skaro agree with me that, whilst Peri was indeed a Total Babe that any Heterosexual Man (and presumably many Lesbians) would do in a heartbeat in spite of her laughable "American Accent", that Sarah Jane Smith posessed, along with great physical beauty, a winsomely heart melting smile and an innocent charm that made her without a doubt the sexiest companion overall?

And would the Esteemed Dalek from Skaro further agree with me that, putting that aside, seriously do not get us started on that walking wet dream that was Leela.[/PMQT]

Speaking of Bender...Steel Cage Match. Bender vs. a single Dalek. Two robots enter. One robot leaves. Winner? Before you answer, remember that Bender was Ultimate Robot Fighting Champion.

And speaking of Futurama...same scenario, Leela from Dr. Who vs. Leela from Futurama. Winner?

Oh yes, one more thing. Are you guys by any chance vulnerable to logical conundrums the way those androids from that one episode of ST:TOS were? Like hypothetically, if I were to say to you, "This statement is false", would it have any...effect...on you? Just curious...



Originally posted by Esprix
And let's not forget the 1996 Fox travesty "Doctor Who" (http://us.imdb.com/Details?0116118) with Paul McGann and Eric Roberts.

Not a total travesty. The earlier bits with Sylvester McCoy were nice.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally posted by Weird_AL_Einstein
....Sarah Jane Smith posessed, along with great physical beauty, a winsomely heart melting smile and an innocent charm that made her without a doubt the sexiest companion overall?

Sarah Jane! <sigh> :o


Speaking of Bender...Steel Cage Match. Bender vs. a single Dalek. Two robots enter. One robot leaves. Winner? Before you answer, remember that Bender was Ultimate Robot Fighting Champion.

And speaking of Futurama...same scenario, Leela from Dr. Who vs. Leela from Futurama. Winner?



If the Dalek hits with the first shot, the Dalek. Otherwise, Bender.

In a steel cage match, the lack of depth perception one eye creates is no problem. Groening's Leela all the way.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Dalek?

[Xerxes]

What does a Dalek toilet look like?. Enquiring minds and all that....

Also, have you ever eaten Chicken Tikka Massala?

Do you enjoy vacations? Ski, perhaps?

Would you give up your seat for an elderly person on the bus?

Britney, or Christina?

Have you tried cough drops for your perpetual raspy throats?

Tell us a dalek joke.....

Do you like Smash? (possibly a bit UK-centric, and old....)

Do you think it's slightly weird that as I was reading this thread, I 'heard' everything you said (in my head) in dalek-speak? because I definitely do

[Legomancer]

So,who would win in a three-corner fight between Daleks, Borg, and Coneheads?

THE DALEKS ARE SUPREME! SINCE THE BORG ARE JUST PALE RIP-OFFS OF THE CYBERMEN AND WE CAN EASILY EXTERMINATE THE CYBERMEN, IT FOLLOWS THAT WE CAN DEFEAT THE BORG AS WELL! AND OUR VICTORY OVER THE MOVELLANS PROVES WE CAN DEFEAT ALIEN RACES WITH UNUSUAL HEADS! ALL HAIL THE DALEKS!

Did you know that when Lego(mancer) types what you say, you come out sounding like Beldar Conehead?

LEGOMANCER IS NO LONGER TYPING FOR ME! I FOUND A PLUNGER-TO-USB CONVERTER CABLE!

What about the rumors of a 4X4, moster truck/bigfoot version of the Daleks?

THAT IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA! YOU SHOULD BE HONORED TO BE EXTERMINATED AND THEN HAVE THE EMPEROR DALEK CLAIM IT WAS HIS!

Would the Esteemed Dalek from Skaro agree with me that, whilst Peri was indeed a Total Babe that any Heterosexual Man (and presumably many Lesbians) would do in a heartbeat in spite of her laughable "American Accent", that Sarah Jane Smith posessed, along with great physical beauty, a winsomely heart melting smile and an innocent charm that made her without a doubt the sexiest companion overall?

And would the Esteemed Dalek from Skaro further agree with me that, putting that aside, seriously do not get us started on that walking wet dream that was Leela.

NOT ONLY DOES SARAH JANE POSESS CERTAIN WINSOME QUALITIES, SHE HAS ALSO AGED BETTER THAN MANY OF THE COMPANIONS! AS FOR LEELA, GIVE UP, HER HEART BELONGS ONLY TO MINOR CHARACTERS WITH WHOM SHE NEVER EXCHANGED A SINGLE WORD!

Speaking of Bender...Steel Cage Match. Bender vs. a single Dalek. Two robots enter. One robot leaves. Winner? Before you answer, remember that Bender was Ultimate Robot Fighting Champion.

IT IS UNCLEAR AT THIS TIME IF BENDER CAN BEND DALEKANIUM!FURTHER TESTS ARE NEEDED! WE HAVE PLANS FOR BENDER, SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THE EMPEROR DALEK!

And speaking of Futurama...same scenario, Leela from Dr. Who vs. Leela from Futurama. Winner?

LEELA!

Are you guys by any chance vulnerable to logical conundrums the way those androids from that one episode of ST:TOS were? Like hypothetically, if I were to say to you, "This statement is false", would it have any...effect...on you?

UNLIKE THE MOVELLANS, WHO WERE CONFOUNDED BY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS, WE FIND THAT A WELL-APPLIED DEATH RAY ANSWERS ALL QUESTIONS!

What does a Dalek toilet look like?

OUR WASTE PRODUCTS ARE RECYCLED WITHIN OUR CASINGS! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU STRAIGHT DOPE PEOPLE AND YOUR NEED TO KNOW HOW EVERYONE DEFECATES?

Also, have you ever eaten Chicken Tikka Massala?

NO!

Do you enjoy vacations? Ski, perhaps?

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO ON ONE OF THOSE WHALE-WATCHING TOURS IN ALASKA!

Would you give up your seat for an elderly person on the bus?

OF COURSE! WE ARE MEGALOMANIACAL DEATH MACHINES BENT ON UNIVERSAL DOMINATION BUT WE ARE NOT SAVAGES!

Britney, or Christina?

BRITNEY! IN ALL MY TRAVELS AROUND THE GALAXY I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MALE VERSION OF WHATEVER CREATURE CHRISTINA RESEMBLES!

Have you tried cough drops for your perpetual raspy throats?

I TRIED THE FISHERMAN'S FRIEND BRAND BUT FOUND THEM OVERPOWERINGLY STRONG!

Tell us a dalek joke.....

HOW MANY DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO STOP THE INEVITABLE DALEK CONQUEST OF THE UNIVERSE? EIGHT, SO FAR!

Do you like Smash?

NO!

Do you think it's slightly weird that as I was reading this thread, I 'heard' everything you said (in my head) in dalek-speak?

NOT AT ALL! GET USED TO IT, AS YOU WILL BE HEARING OUR VOICES A LOT SOON! TERROR ALERTS AREN'T JUST FOR EARTH-STATIONED TERRORISTS, YOU KNOW!

[Steve Wright]

Hang on a moment. The Movellans kicked your tin butts, pal! Advanced biological weaponry! "Unstoppable" Dalek forces suddenly going "aaagh!" and spraying shaving foam out of their casings! And the Movellans looked a lot better in Lycra than you lot do.

And as for never having eaten Chicken Tikka Masala ... what happened to "PUT IT ALL IN THE CURRY", then?* Or are you saying Daleks only go for vindaloos? I bet the Movellans wouldn't be so doctrinaire about curry ... I think the Movellans are better all around!

*Semi-obscure Spike Milligan reference

[Legomancer]

Hang on a moment. The Movellans kicked your tin butts, pal! Advanced biological weaponry! "Unstoppable" Dalek forces suddenly going "aaagh!" and spraying shaving foam out of their casings! And the Movellans looked a lot better in Lycra than you lot do.

And as for never having eaten Chicken Tikka Masala ... what happened to "PUT IT ALL IN THE CURRY", then?* Or are you saying Daleks only go for vindaloos? I bet the Movellans wouldn't be so doctrinaire about curry ... I think the Movellans are better all around!

AH YES! WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE MOVELLANS HAVEN'T BEEN SEEN FOR DECADES AND THE DALEKS ARE STILL AROUND! OH YES, THEY SOUNDLY TROUNCED US! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT!

[Steve Wright]

They kicked your butts, then they went back to teaching aerobics. What's the problem here?

Honestly, you Daleks ... just can't admit you're beaten, can you? Keep popping up, over and over again, trying to make another comeback, getting beaten again. It's sad.

[Weird_AL_Einstein]

Originally posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor
Dalek?

"Dalek" is an anagram of "Kaled". You do know what a Kaled is, right?