Most Embarrasing Sex Moments?

[Malthus]

What are your most embarrasing sex moments?

Don't be shy! Confess!

Mine is the time when I was up at a friend's cottage with my then GF (now wife :) ). The place was full of various buddies, but I managed to score our own room, as one of only two "steady" couples - the place was packed with people, both boys and girls.

Well, we of course wanted to have sex, but the place was an old farmhouse with hardwood floors and zero insulation - so we tried to be as quiet as we could ...

Little did we know that the furniture, including our bed, was as old as the house ...

Anyway, we were going at it, with a rythmic creaking of that ancient bed ... when, just at the final thrust, the bed *collapsed* with a mighty *BANG!*

Naturally, guffaws ensued - building to rib-busting laughter. *Everyone* knew *exactly* what we had been up to - and we were teased mercilessly for the whole weekend, and for long, long afterwards. :p

[JohnT]

You might be interested in this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24960&perpage=30&pagenumber=1).

For me, they're all embarrassing. :o

;)

[Malthus]

Originally posted by JohnT
You might be interested in this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24960&perpage=30&pagenumber=1).

For me, they're all embarrassing. :o

;)

What a thread! I see this idea has been done before - and I must say some very amusing stories indeed! :D

Still, if anyone would like to add new ones, please feel free!

[capybara]

Not too embarassing but amusing anyhow: I was, ahem, busy with a young man who was relatively inexperienced in college and had rather bad allergy/ asthma, etc. problems. As we reached a, ahem, crescendo, he suddenly shot upright, staring at me with a look of horror on his face, "On my God oh my god oh my god are you ok?" "Huh? What?" Turns out he had had a sudden explosive nosebleed on my face and torso and when he saw the blood, not knowing where it came from, he thought he had maimed me somehow. . .

[OpalCat]

This didn't happen to me [really, I know that's a common line, but it happened to my friend Heather] but it's quite hilarious. Keep in mind, by the way, that she told me once that she's tasted her own poop, out of curiosity, and she kept her placenta in her freezer for a couple of years after her daughter was born.

So she told me this, laughing hysterically. Apparently she and her very-long-time boyfriend were having sex, and she thought she had to fart. [you can see this coming, can't you] and she ended up having rather explosive diarrhea instead. She said she couldn't stop laughing, and knowing her, I believe it.

For myself, I'm not sure what my most embarassing sex moment would be. There haven't been very many embarassing moments... actually I can't think of any.

[DMark]

After a night of bar-hopping, getting a blow job at 3:00 AM on a street corner in a seedy part of Frankfurt, Germany and having the police suddenly pull up and get a good view. They came over and were about to arrest us, but I pulled off a good job of not understanding German and apologized in English and then said that I just started working for the American Embassy (a total lie). I heard them mutter in German that it would be a waste of their time so they let us both go.

After they left, the German I was with (who knew I spoke German) congratulated me for my quick thinking and we went to a more private location for a repeat performance.

[ratty]

Oh my God, OpalCat! I know a story just like yours! Only it didn't end happily.

My friend Jeremy was dating this girl (we'll call her Kelly) and he really liked her. They'd been dating for almost a year, and he thought she might be The One. So of course he wanted to have sex with her. At first, she was very reluctant. She was about 24 at the time, and still a virgin, and she seemed kind of nervous and scared about the whole thing. Finally, one night at his apartment, he convinced her to sleep with him. So everything went really well, until she had her first-ever orgasm. She lost bowel control and crapped all over his bed. She was so freaked out and embarassed she locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to commit suicide. He finally talked her out and took her home. She refused to talk to him ever again- I guess she was just too mortified.

We heard the whole story about a week after the fact, and everytime a few of us get together with Jeremy, somebody brings it up. This used to make him really angry, actually, since he really did love this girl and couldn't understand why she ended the relationship because of one unfortunate incident. But he's over it now.

Strangely enough, I ran into Kelly a few months ago. She was working as a bank teller. She was really nice to me, but the whole time I couldn't help thinking about "The Incident", so I ended up stifling my laughter and getting out of the bank ASAP.

[jjimm]

My... um... friend, yeah, my friend, was getting energetically busy with his girlfriend many years ago, when he felt a strange pulling sensation in his scrotum. He subtly put his hand down to check, to discover that his sack only had one ball. The other had done a sumo on him, and been pushed up inside his pelvis. His 'timber' was immediately 'felled' as he jumped off the bed and began shouting "Oh my God! I've lost a bollock!" and pawing gingerly at his nutsack. Thankfully, at that moment, he coughed, and a little miracle happened: the ball gently dropped back into its rightful place with no discomfort at all.

[Malthus]

Here is another from me:

When I was going to university, I had to live at home for financial reasons. Same with my GF. Naturally, this lead to some creative ideas as to where to have sex. ;)

One day, we went to the Toronto Islands for a picnic. Now, these islands are a series of parks - some open and well frequented; others, more remote and less frequented. We went to one of the more remote ones.

After our lunch, and sharing a bottle of wine, we started to make out - and seeing no-one around, began to get bolder. She was giving me some oral pleasure when a couple walked by on a path right beside us.

They were a couple of teens, clearly at the "holding hands" stage - and they could not miss us. They walked right by us, staring straight ahead, red with embarressment. We could not help it - we both started to giggle uncontrollably.

[RealityChuck]

It was in a parked car -- though not the way you might expect.

We had pulled up at a local beach. It was late, though someone had started a campfire. We didn't care.

So as we were nearly finished, an ice cream truck pulled up behind us and rang its bell. About a dozen boy scouts came running up from the beach, right by the car, to get the ice cream.

Luckily, the windows were steamed up and they couldn't see in. I thought it was funny, but she didn't agree and soon broke up with me.

[Avarie537]

Thankfully, only one really embarassing here.

I was eighteen, and had "spent the night" at my boyfriend's house for the first time. Nothing embarassing there (nothing spectacular either). The next morning, however...

He lived in the finished attic at his mom's house. There was no door, other than the one at the bottom of the stairs. My boyfriend - being as dumb as he was - only had one condom, which we had used the night before, so we were involved in an alternate activity (a "titty f*ck" as they say). When his mom walked up the stairs - which put her, oh, five feet from the bed. We had never been introduced. Nice way to meet his mom, don't you think?

[Malthus]

Originally posted by Avarie537
Thankfully, only one really embarassing here.

I was eighteen, and had "spent the night" at my boyfriend's house for the first time. Nothing embarassing there (nothing spectacular either). The next morning, however...

He lived in the finished attic at his mom's house. There was no door, other than the one at the bottom of the stairs. My boyfriend - being as dumb as he was - only had one condom, which we had used the night before, so we were involved in an alternate activity (a "titty f*ck" as they say). When his mom walked up the stairs - which put her, oh, five feet from the bed. We had never been introduced. Nice way to meet his mom, don't you think?

The look on her face must have been classic! :D

[~Sky~]

When I was 17 I was with my b/f (who became husband, who is now EX~lol) He was moving out of town and he came by in his brothers car to say good bye. We ended up having sex in the front seat of the car. The security guard banged on the window (which were completely fogged up) and wanted to know what we were doing.

The second moment was about 4 years ago (with ex). We lived on a ranch of about 300 acres. We had our own house, and then there was another house that the owner of the ranch had. They never stayed there. Well, in order to have some alone time we went to the owners house and left my 12 year old son at home. It was not but maybe a football field away in distance.It was not late, but dark. My ex and I got on the hammock, it was the type held by the metal frame. I was on top.... completely naked and the next thing we knew our son was walking up to-wards the house. My ex threw me off of him onto the ground and fixed his shorts. I am not really sure my son saw anything... I am sure not gonna ask him!

[RealityChuck]

Originally posted by Avarie537
Nice way to meet his mom, don't you think?
You top me, but I do have something similar in that vein.

We'd been dating only a few times, but we had hit it off very well. One Saturday, she wanted to spend the night with me, so I picked her up. Her mother was there, and I said, "hello," thinking, "great that she's cool with this."

The next morning, I get a call from my boss. Her mother called at work, frantic that her daughter hadn't come home (or told her she wouldn't be home). My boss said I should call the mother, so I handed the phone to my date.

It was not a good way to start things out with your future mother-in-law. Luckly, she took it in stride, and after a few awkward meetings, we got along well.

[Dolores Reborn]

I have one that absolutely mortified me, but thankfully my boyfriend just laughed it off.

We had been drinking, and I was going down on him. I attempted to deep throat, and OMG! I puked (just a little!) right on his belly! :eek:

Another time, with another boyfriend, we both lived with our parents. We were going at it in the back of my Gremlin (let's see you try that!) on a dead end street. Flashlights blinding, hard knocking, "come out of there!"- by the Houston po-leece....

[Sigmundex]

I've got a couple. Back in high school, I was dating a girl who babysat for the grandparents of my best friend (guy). She put the kids to bed, then we started getting busy on the grandparents' bed. Everything was off but both of our shirts, I mean socks and shoes included. Of course the door opened, they had come home a little early. About 10 feet from the front door was the open door to the room we were in. Luckily it took them a minute to get their coats off, we were frantically getting dressed but a shoe of mine had been knocked under their bed. I had to leave without it and had an awkward moment when the old folks realized we were both walking out of their room. Then I had to stick around for about a half an hour making small talk until finally the grandparents went into the kitchen and I could get my sock back.

Also, with the same girl, we parked out at a make-out place everybody called "Grassy Hill", it was pretty far out of town in the middle of nowhere, but was a place where you could 4 wheel drive if you had a truck. Well I was "at it" with her in my old '68 Malibu when a big lifted Ford truck came along. The guys in it looked down at us, saw my white ass up in the air, and proceeded to do several donuts around our car.

[Ashkicker]

I can't believe I am going to tell this. But what the heck. Since you don't know me and I don't have to face you everyday, I guess it will be okay.

My hubby and I had went out to eat one evening. Dinner consisted of beer and buffalo wings. Now hubby can't just get hot wings. He has to get the ones that make you wipe the sweat off your brow. Wings are great, but they are messy.

Dinner ended and we head home to top off the night with a little bit of fun. Hubby decides to perform a little oral sex. About 20 seconds into it I am feeling a little warm down there. At about 30 seconds I ask him if he is using the cinnamon lotion potion. He says no. At that point I am on fire, and I put 2+2 together folks.:smack: So I do what any sane person would do at this point. I run for the shower.

You may as well have doused me with pepper spray. It ruined the whole mood. Something about an ice pack between my legs just didn't turn him on. Not that I was in the mood after that anyway. He felt bad, but not so bad that he doesn't laugh about it to this day.

Disclaimer: Those wet naps aren't just for wiping the fingers.

[Synthesis]

Here is my story:

Back in highschool I dated a girl steadily for a few years. She was 5 feet tall, a cheerleader, and a gynast. I tell you this because we used to have sex regulary in the backseat of my '79 Camaro- no easy feat.

As usual, it was hard to find places to park. One day, we were driving along and she decided to perform orally on me (this girl contantly wanted sex). I told her to hold on and turned into a contruction area where a mall was being built. The entire area was leveled, hard-packed dirt. I saw a row of HUGE earth movers (30-40 feet tall ones) and pulled my car in between two of them. There were 6 or 8 of them total.

So we go at it. To this day I'm amazed at the things this girl could do in a small area. After we got finished I'm sitting there with my pants down to my knees in the back seat laying back in bliss. She is laying against the back of the front seats facing me (which are pushed forward against the steering wheel/dash), completely naked and in the splits as each foot it pressed against the sides. She looks up through the sunroof.....and sees 4 men looking down, and smiling, from the Earth mover. As we are scrambling to get dressed and into the fron seat (again....not easy) the ground starts rumbling as the two machine on either side start-up and start driving off.

Embrassed, we get into the fron seat and hit the road as fast as we could. My girlfriend thought it was funny as hell.

She was quite a package....too bad she needed more sex than any one man could provide....

[cowgirl]

This one will take a bit of imagination as it involves floor-plans and the motion of light ...

The setting: I lived in a house with 5 other people, in a bedroom off the kitchen. There was a window coming down from the ceiling, so from the kitchen/living room you could see the ceiling of my bedroom. My bed was on a platform about 4' down from the ceiling.

The situation: I had recently begun a relationship with a roommate, which we were trying to hide from the other roommates. After a particularly fun evening (with a few roommates) me and my partner retired to my bedroom, for a bit of action. We thought we were being subtle until the next morning, everyone knew what we had been up to. The reason:

the light had been on beside my bed-on-a-platform, projecting 'shadow-puppet' type images on the ceiling, which were visible from the living room.

[Dante]

Well, there's the old saw about men passing out after...

I have passed out during.

Please keep in mind that I was an alcoholic.

[Xavier]

My ex-girlfriends dad caught us "spoiling" his prized leather couch.

He never did quite like me after that.

[rhinostylee]

When I was 17 I managed to have sex with my girlfriend who was 18 (I had her convinced that I wasn't a virgin, so she felt obligated) and eventually it turned into regular and relatively kinky sex, which I was too young and stupid at the time to fully appreciate - it was the best sex I ever had.

Anyways, my brother recommended the "ice cube" trick, which was surprisingly successful (for insertion, not for nipples). She liked it so much we went shopping at a supermarket for other items that may be fun "to insert." We never considered going to an adult store, I guess because we were still in high school. Anyways, we bought popsicles and a Slim Jim to try out. We decided that the popsicles would cause an unpleasant mess, so we tried the beef jerky instead. As soon as I "inserted" the beef jerky and gave it a few thrusts, she stopped me . . . the beef jerky was too spicy and burned!! We stopped the insertion experiments then and there.

Every time I tell this story, everyone always asks me . . ."Did you eat it?" No, I did not eat the beef Jerky afterwards!

[cowgirl]

I know a fellow who is allergic to whipped cream, which he only discovered after an evening with his girlfriend, involving whipped cream, which resulted in a rash all over the lower part of his face.

[False_God]

Originally posted by rhinostylee

Every time I tell this story, everyone always asks me . . ."Did you eat it?" No, I did not eat the beef Jerky afterwards!

Man, that's cruel and unusual punishment of beef jerky right there.

[DMark]

Originally posted by rhinostylee
...so we tried the beef jerky instead. As soon as I "inserted" the beef jerky and gave it a few thrusts, she stopped me . . . the beef jerky was too spicy and burned!! We stopped the insertion experiments then and there.


::there is a hush around the campfire as rhinostylee whispers::

"...and I never beef jerkyed off again."

[I can't believe that's butter!]

Originally posted by False_God
Man, that's cruel and unusual punishment of beef jerky right there.

Calling a Slim Jim "beef jerky" is cruel and unusual in itself.

[BuckleberryFerry]

Originally posted by DMark
::there is a hush around the campfire as rhinostylee whispers::

"...and I never beef jerkyed off again."

::massive laughter:: DMark, you've made my night and brightened my week. I'll never stop laughing about this one!

~Ferry

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

Originally posted by Synthesis
Back in highschool I dated a girl steadily for a few years. She was 5 feet tall, a cheerleader, and a gynast.
A gynast? That's rare! You were lucky.

[ricepad]

A few years ago, CrankyAsAnOldMan and I had a mutual friend who was involved with a woman he described as having, "...the sweetest tasting [parts] I've ever tasted...." He was quite smitten with her, until one morning he woke up and found himself practically swimming....she'd wet the bed so much that animals were starting to line up two-by-two. She was mortified, understandably, but he was less than amused when I asked him if perhaps he'd discovered the source of the sweetness....

[Obvious Guy]

Ohh ohh, there was this one time at band camp....



Just kidding! Really tho, heres my two stories.

#1)During the "deed" I guess between the sweat and friction, our stomachs rubbed together and made this farting sound. Giggeling insued for a good 5 minutes afterwards.

#2)During a round of phone sex, she suggested trying some lotion for a change. I looked and all we had was some pepperment lotion stuff, so it went something like this. "Ohh yeah this feels good... Ohhhh.. hmmm.. kinda warm now... uhhhh... okay this is getting kinda HOT." Vroom off to the showers. She still makes fun of me about it.

[Keith Berry]

Quite a few years ago, a female friend invited me over to her place to hang out with her and her roomie. Having nothing to do, I said sure, and arrived with a 12-pack of beer.

We sat around drinking and watching movies on cable for a few hours, and during that time, I noticed that my friend was looking rather good. Sexy, in fact. We'd been platonic friends for years, with no sexual overtones at all, so I figured it was either the beer or my desperate horniness that was driving me to leer at her in her bathrobe.

Even further, her roomie was absolutely stunning. She was about five-ten or so, very thin and willow-like, and probably could have been a model if she chose to do so. She sat on the other end of the couch wearing a very short kimono that showed a lot of lovely leg. My horniness was just increased by this.

After awhile, my friend began gesturing to her roomie, and they two of them would get up and go into the kitchen and speak in hushed tones.

Then they would return, explaining nothing.

Then my friend would gesture to her roomie again, and they would return to the kitchen for another round of furtive whispering.

I just sat there, drinking my beer, wondering what was going on.

Finally, after their 10th departure, they returned and sat on the couch opposite from the recliner I was lounging in and said, "Keith, have you ever been shared?"

At this point I'd like to go fictional and write that I replied with calm nonchalance: "Sure baby. Which one of you wants to get fucked first? I got plenty of time for both of you." But honesty forces me to admit that I was a 21 year old nerd with a lot less sexual experience than I projected, so after swallowing nervously a few times and glancing repeatedly at the ceiling, I croaked, "Uh, well, uhhhh, ummm, heh, well, no."

And so the festivities began. We began by making out with each other, and there was much groping of everyone's package by everyone else......and then the two of them decided to show the deeper, more inimate side of their friendship with each other while I watched with a stunned look on my face. I'd never seen girls go down on each other before, and the feeling of sitting there watching was, in my befuddled 21-year old mind, akin to drinking espresso in a street cafe in Florence or winning a million dollars in the lottery.

Is this really happening to me? I wondered. Life was good, life was a stream of sunshine and blooming flowers......

After much female-to-female love, they turned their attention to me and pretty much jumped on me, smothering me with kisses and gropes and many good things besides. Her roomie unzipped my pants and began giving me a blowjob, and that stream of sunshine was looking brighter and brighter.

This is how being King Of The World feels, I thought, making it with two beautiful women at once.....

After blowing me for about 10 minutes, the roomie passed it over to my friend, and my friend picked up the slack. I sat back smiling, playing with the roomie in various ways......

......until I felt pain. Sharp, annoying pain. My friend was either nervous or unexperienced at fellatio, and she was grinding her teeth up and down in a way that can only be described as OUCH.
Shit, she was really hurting me! But wrapped up in the situation, I didn't want to spoil the mood, and let her continue while trying to ignore the pain as much as possible.

Which was not possible, because after five minutes, she was hurting me so badly that I lost my erection.

Her roomie took over again and had the flag flying at full mast in less than a minute. I was relieved.

Then my friend got on it again and with her teeth promptly reduced it to extreme limp in no time flat.

The roomie resumed, and again, all systems were go.

And my friend stepped back up to bat and promptly shot me down. At this point, I was being chewed so badly that I wasn't only limp, it was trying to crawl back up inside my body, it seemed. Worst of all, my friend was definately not happy, and her look of puzzlement rapidly turned into one of brooding and then petulance. I felt horrible; but then, what was I supposed to do, tell her "I know we've been friends since 6th grade, but Jesus, you're tearing my dick apart!"

The scene got somewhat uncomfortable at his point, and her roomie resumed blowing, getting me hard instantly, while my friend withdrew somewhat from the scene, not leaving the room but not doing anything to either me or her roomie either. She seemed somewhat upset. Hell, I was upset because she was upset, and my enthusiasm was becoming slightly dampened because no goofy drunken three-some fuck was worth any kind of tension or misunderstanding between us.

The mood was promptly shattered for good when her roomie handed me a condom and indicated she was ready to ride. Eager to screw and maybe get the mood back on track, I ripped the condom packet open, pulled the condom out, placed it on the head of my johnson, started to quickly unroll, and.....

.....broke the condom as I did do.

It was the only one she had. My friend said she didn't have any. I was so womanless in those days that buying condoms was akin to fantasizing about what kind of beach house I'd buy when I was a millionaire, so I never bothered making the investment.
I think we all sat there just looking at the remains of the broken condom around my penis for a moment.

The mood was definately broken for good.

The night ended with some more variations on oral between all three of us, but I think anyone would agree that as a starter threesome, the experience was piss-poor and was a letdown after years of anticipation. It ruined my opinion on group sex for years, and I would wearily tell people that it wasn't worth the time and caused all kinds of problems, lecturing in the voice of a man who's seen it all and found it all lacking......luckily, I managed to have a few redeeming experiences with a duo of women that changed my mind, but that first time always makes me shudder.

[Ferret Herder]

Apple-flavored edible "love gel" + friction = *sniff* "Honey, do you smell... baked apples?" We did manage to continue after the laughing fit ended. :D

[Ethilrist]

Actually, there really was this one time at band camp...

Not so much an embarrassing-during-sex story, but an embarrassing-after-sex story:

I was a sailing instructor at Interlochen, and one of the CIT's invited me back to her cabin after a night out slam-polka-ing at the Karlin Inn. I was spotted leaving the cabin (in the girls-only section of camp) and she got kicked out of camp. I wasn't recognized, so I got to keep my cool job ($300 for the whole summer! whee!).

[Flutterby]

Hmm.. at first I couldn't think of any. But I remember an interesting evening now.

I was hanging out with my first b/f and his best friend (Irish). It was St Paddy's day and Irish is well.. Irish so we had to go out and celebrate by drinking lots and lots of Guiness and green beer. Well towards the end of the day (well the end where I could stay. I had to be home by 7pm!!) we were hanging out in O'Byrnes. A pub down on the local bar strip.

It's this really nice place that when you walk in to your left opens up with a small bar and a stage, with stairs leading upwards to the second floor. To your right are a few booths and straight ahead is the main bar with tables along the wall which leads towards the back. At the back is this smaller darker room that leads out towards the bathrooms and the patio. There is another bar back here, but it is non-functional. More for decoration. So all of us, and a few new friends we'd made were sitting back there drinking.

My b/f and I ended up sitting at the very end in the corner of this darker room against the bar. We're fairly drunk (as is everyone else) and start making out. My back is to the room and his to the wall, he eventually gets my zipper down and starts fingering me as we're making out.

This is all very exciting of course. Keep in mind I'm a virgin, this is one of the first times I've gone out drinking and this is also my first bf. We are making out and the party continues on behind us. About 20 or so people sitting at the tables drinking and talking loudly.. my ex pulls away for a moment to catch his breath.. and spots someone with a video camera aimed at us.

Killed the mood right away, not like I would've gone further in such a public place, but we barely kissed for most of the rest of the day. The people with the camera claimed it wasn't recording but who knows if there is a darkly lit video of me making out with my bf in a very suggestive way in a very public place.

I laugh over it now but it surprised the hell outta me that day.

[Ethilrist]

hey... I think I've seen that video... :D

[80sHairMetalMaven]

During the "deed" I guess between the sweat and friction, our stomachs rubbed together and made this farting sound. Giggeling insued for a good 5 minutes afterwards.
So I guess I'm not the only one this happens to!:D
This reminds me of one of my funniest sex moments.
CG and I had only been married for about 4 mos when we adopted a kitten named Precious who was about 4 weeks old at the time.We had gotten her used to sleeping with us(and vice versa)because she was so young and we (in our naievete')thought if she slept on the floor,she'd freeze to death.That's the set up. Ok...
One night CG and I were really at it and then mid-thrust he stops.I looked up at him and ask him what's wrong.Apparently,Precious had crawled up on his ass and fallen asleep and he was afraid to move in case he woke her up! Definitely what you'd call a show stopper.So...after much manoevering..we managed to get apart and get Precious settled on the end of the bed.Never did get to finish that night.:(

IDBB

[lauramarlane]

My SO and I were having a lovely evening of Quiet Sex because the kiddies were in their room just down the hall. I was on top of him and everything was really great until my allergies started to flare up a bit. I paused for a moment to sneeze--not thinking how this might effect him, especially since I didn't warn him first. Apparently, the resultant muscle contractions that occur when you sneeze are pretty strong. He let out what I can only describe as a high-pitched, girly scream that woke the kids and had them pounding on the bed room door asking what had happened. I was laughing too hard to respond and when he said, "it's okay, I just hit my head," that only made me laugh harder.

[Cliffy]

Once when the future Mrs. Cliffy and I were freshmen in college we were out walking around on the quad and were given some of those Hawaiin flower necklaces by members of a Hawaiian student group that was advertising a dance. Later that afternoon we went back to her room and had sex. We were just finished getting dressed when her roommate entered and immediately asked: "Who got laid?"

Also, my dad caught my high school girlfriend and I in my car parked in front of her house at 2:30 the morning before the SAT's. We were both largely dressed and she managed to convince him we'd fallen asleep (while she desperately tried to stuff her bra under the seat with her foot). I don't actually think he believed us, but he was willing to play along.

--Cliffy

[msmith537]

All I know is that the only time my mom would ever offer me something to eat outside of normal meals is when I had a girl over and my bedroom door was shut.

[Flutterby]

Originally posted by Cliffy
We were just finished getting dressed when her roommate entered and immediately asked: "Who got laid?"


This reminds me of one time, my father, his gf and my bro and his friends went out one New Years to the waterpark which has a hawaiian themed New Years. You can get leis if you're quick (or can convince a cute lifeguard to give you one ;) ) and this year I managed to get one. I come back up to the family unit with it around my neck and Dad's back was turned to me. His gf looks up at me and grins at my Dad and says "You're daughter just got lei'd" He nearly flipped until he looked at me and realized I had one around my neck.

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Keith Berry
Which was not possible, because after five minutes, she was hurting me so badly that I lost my erection.

Her roomie took over again and had the flag flying at full mast in less than a minute. I was relieved.

Then my friend got on it again and with her teeth promptly reduced it to extreme limp in no time flat.

The roomie resumed, and again, all systems were go.

And my friend stepped back up to bat and promptly shot me down. At this point, I was being chewed so badly that I wasn't only limp, it was trying to crawl back up inside my body, it seemed. Worst of all, my friend was definately not happy, and her look of puzzlement rapidly turned into one of brooding and then petulance.

This is bizarre. And hilarious! :D Did you ever tell your friend what the problem was? I should think her friend could've clued her in, but maybe what she was doing wasn't that visible.

My own story is truly embarrasing, and not at all funny. So forget about reading it here.

[raz]

Oh, come on, Lizard! Don't leave us hanging!

The title of this thread is, after all, "Most Embarrasing Sex Moments" :)

[Malthus]

Originally posted by roadkiller
Oh, come on, Lizard! Don't leave us hanging!

The title of this thread is, after all, "Most Embarrasing Sex Moments" :)

I second the motion.

And now that you have posted here, roadkiller, you owe us a story too! :D

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Malthus
I second the motion.

*sigh* I'm afraid it happened a littlle to recently. Like, just 2 months ago. It wasn't really near as bad or disbusting as most of the ones related here, but I really don't like to think about it.

[merge]

Originally posted by Obsidian Flutterby
my ex pulls away for a moment to catch his breath.. and spots someone with a video camera aimed at us.

Killed the mood right away, not like I would've gone further in such a public place, but we barely kissed for most of the rest of the day. The people with the camera claimed it wasn't recording but who knows if there is a darkly lit video of me making out with my bf in a very suggestive way in a very public place.



you weren't wearing a green shirt were you?
damn internet voyeurs....;)

[Delirium]

Malthus, I will assume it's you from the Paradox forum. :)

You might remember this story, but I'll tell it anyway:

"Me and my then girlfriend wanted to try something different, plus we both had a sweet tooth, so we brought some groceries with us to bed. Now, we both liked oral sex very much and the idea was to use those groceries to make the performance of those rituals even more stimulating (I know the idea is not original).

So I had some honey with me that I wanted to try on her. The problem was that the honey was quite solid, making it hard, nigh on impossible, to apply properly. I therefore went into the kitchen to loosen up the honey, but not too much obviously. Being in a slight hurry, I decided to microwave the whole can. Luckily I had the presence of mind to remove the metal lid before initialising the process. It turned out to be a lucky shot, as a few seconds was all that was needed to make the honey a lot smoother.

Back in the bedroom I applied the honey on the buttercup and began to indulge in my sweet meal until we both decided it was time to stop. It was now her turn. She had brought some strawberry jam with her and now applied that on me. The problem with the strawberry jam was not that it was too solid, but the other way around. The jam had an incredibly runny quality, which I found out very quickly when it sought out those parts of my body that I never see in person, and which I rarely ever give even a first thought. The runny quality, along with the fact that it had been taken out of the refrigerator only minutes before, made the sensation fairly unpleasant.

Anyway, she liked strawberry jam, no matter its condition, so she started her meal. She had to use quite a lot of jam, since very little of it would actually stay "on the plate", as it were, but luckily the jar was plentiful.

When we both decided the appetizer had gone on long enough we wanted to finish the meal off in style with the main course. The tables that had previously been enjoyed separately now joined together, inviting different sets of tastebuds to enjoy the festivities.

Now, honey and strawberry jam have a common denominator. If you don't clean them up very carefully they will make the surface very sticky. When joining two such surfaces together you get a level of stickiness that approaches that of standard glue. Needless to say, though our respective meals had been both enjoyable and skillful, they were not meticulous enough.

So there I was, glued together with the girl I loved. What to do?

In the end the problem solved itself. After a while, when bodily fluids had achieved a majority of presence over the sticky stuff, we had, once again, free mobility, the fact of which we took advantage of, in time to finish off the party with some fireworks. Post-eclipse we both had long, conscientious showers.

The moral of this story is: sex can get you in a sticky situation, but can also get you out of the jam."

[stofsky]

There is a cliff over the river in Tahlequah, OK called Goat's Bluff. It is (or at least was, 15 years ago) a favorite of partiers and rappelers, as its odd shape allows for free rappeling and wall walking. Picture this, kinda sorta:
C
C

That first level (the bottom of the first C) is accessible by trail, and I was down there with a girlfriend after dark. We were working on our "have sex anywhere possible" plan when suddenly we saw a light.

No, not a light from somewhere above, but the helmet light from some guy doing a night Aussie (that's where you go down the rope upside-down) shining directly on my Safeway-chicken white ass.

"Sorry dude."

She tried to get things going again afterwards, but it was a no-go.

[Malthus]

Originally posted by Delirium
Malthus, I will assume it's you from the Paradox forum. :)



You are correct. :)

One forum is just not enough ... :D

[Flutterby]

Originally posted by merge
you weren't wearing a green shirt were you?
damn internet voyeurs....;)

Oh no! It did get out! :o

[80sHairMetalMaven]

*stuffs her fist in her mouth to keep from giggling and waking up CG*

IDBB