When did you know he/she wasn't the one?

[Cormac36]

Hi folks,
I have been reading these forums for some time (there seems to be an unusually high level of intelligence among the posters to these forums), but this is my first post.
I just spent a very pleasurable bit of time reading the stories in the thread about "When you knew he/she was the ONE"? My question is this, "when did you know he/she was not the one?"
From my own point of view it was when she, the woman I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me, admitted to having an affair with another man while we were committed to each other, and almost having one (at that point they had just engaged in serious necking/petting, call it what you will) with another one. To be fair, she never claimed her actions were my fault, she had told me from the beginning that she had had "fidelity problems" in past relationships. She claimed, often, that ours was the best relationship she had ever had, she just couldn't stop herself from acting on these impulses. A different man may have been able to help her get past these issues. I could not. When she told me she thought I would help her once she told me about it my only response was "Maybe by making you face the consequences of your actions I'm helping you the only way I know how". It's been three months, and she now has a new guy, and I still think I did the right thing.
So, when did you know that he/she were not the One?

Cormac

[dwc1970]

Welcome to the boards, Cormac!

My last relationship ended last fall. At first I thought she was "the one", but then I began to think otherwise when she started getting greedy and tried to use me for the fact that I had money, a job and a car. After I told her that I could no longer afford to take her out to dinner 2-3 times a week and buy toys and goodies for her kids from previous marriages I knew things weren't going to get anywhere. She began to make sudden excuses to not wanting to see me, and she was suddenly getting sick a lot more (pregnancy could be ruled out since she had her tubes tied). When she began talking about how she kept thinking about her ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands I knew this thing was over with for good.

In retrospect I'm glad I bailed out of that relationship when I did.

[Legomancer]

She's married to someone else and has a kid. That kind of closed up shop for me.

[EVO95]

She caught me in bed with her roommate, and then, wouldn't join us. :rolleyes:

[Ethilrist]

To clarify, you're asking, "For the women who you once thought were The One, when did you know?", not "How were you spectacularly dumped?", because that would be one big, long thread full o' woe...

[Angel of the Lord]

Since I posted in the other thread. . .

With my ex, I pretty much knew he wasn't the one during my pregnancy scare. I was freaking out. He wasn't being any help--but I figured that was okay--he's young. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do.

That friday, however, for a very minor reason (I fell asleep at the computer at 2 AM when I was supposed to be talking to him), he ripped into me. I mean, really, really, really badly. To the point where I was crying. And he did it "to make [me] stronger." The boy was calling me a worthless bitch to *help* my self-esteem.

That would've been bad enough...but that was the exact same line my dad used to "apologize" for calling me a "fat lazy bitch" when I was living at home (ages 5-18).

That was when I knew it wasn't meant to be. Didn't stop me from clinging on to him, but, hey, I was young and stupid, and he was my first boyfriend.

I did better the next time :D.

[Cormac36]

Yes, that is my question Ethilrist. I apologize for not being more careful in stating it.

[Jberto]

I realized that she wasn't the one when all there was was a physical attraction. We didn't have similar interests, and we stopped having interesting conversations.

Then I showed up at her house one day for a date and she had invited her friend the Cowboy over. They were going to his horse ranch. She had forgotten about our date.

Not that this makes me sad. Quite the contrary. I was wondering how I was going to break it off and she did it for me.

[Kalhoun]

I went out with a guy once, and his idea of a good time was running over turtles! Honest to god. He was just so oooogy. The date ended about five minutes later. Redneck mutherfucker.

[Gundy]

A few years ago, I moved my son and I to Boston from Chicago to live with my boyfriend of (at that point) 3 years. The boyfriend's one household chore was to do the dishes. A couple of days after moving in, I walked into the kitchen one night to find all the dishes done -- except my son's plate, bowl, glass, and flatware. They were still in the sink. I looked in the dishwasher -- plenty of room for more. I asked the boyfriend why he didn't wash those. He replied, "I didn't think I should have to do his dishes." In that moment I saw everything good about him stripped away to see what an incredibly selfish, small, petty person he was, and regretted moving in with him more than anything I'd ever done. By that time, though, he had me convinced that no one else would want to date a girl with a kid, so it took me a while to grow up enough to do something about it.

[whiterabbit]

When he chose his mother over me. Damn, that hurt.

[LolaCocaCola]

When his breathing habit started to annoy me.

[Broodha]

This was in college:

She was great, but she didn't brush her teeth regularly. I was going in to kiss her once and she literally had green fuzz on her front teeth. The night we broke up, I found out that she had cheated on me. Later, when I was studying with a mutual friend while she was around, she became enraged and threw her Doc Marten at my head. She said it was because she saw me write in my textbook with a ballpoint pen.

[In Conceivable]

Originally posted by LolaCocaCola
When his breathing habit started to annoy me.

You couldn't have said it better Lola.

There were many things (both small and large) that made me want to leave my ex. There was one moment I remember very clearly as "the moment" I knew I was going to leave. We were in bed, he was sleeping and I was not. I couldn't sleep because the sound of him breathing was the most annoying thing I had ever heard in my entire life. I don't know what I would have done if he had started to snore.

I knew that if I got mad at him for just breathing there wasn't much he was going to be able to do that wouldn't anger me. I hated being angry all the time. So the next week I left.

[Zebra]

When my wife came back from a weekend away with a hicky on her neck.

[Eva Luna]

When, even after I had tried to forgive his cheating on me, he called me fat (this was after a multi-year debacle with leg surgery and chronic pain, during most of which I was on crutches. I was at most ~15 lbs. over my ideal weight during the whole thing; he was rather more over his ideal weight than I was, but I never cared).

I told him to fuck off and that I didn't want to speak to him again until he learned to treat me with respect.

[Lsura]

When I moved out of state and realized that despite loving him, I didn't like him that much - or who I was when I was with him.

It was losing myself - and feeling like I shouldn't have different opinions. I was away from that and realized that I could and should think for myself, not be who he wanted me to be, and only that. And that being myself was going to mean that I changed - freezing who I was at 21 for fear of not having him. And realizing that I was only afraid of not having him because it meant that I'd be alone.

Then I realized that being single does not equal being alone OR being lonely. And that right then, I didn't want to date him anymore and I didn't need to.

[The Devil's Grandmother]

I rarely get sick, so when I’m sick enough to throw up, I’m really sick. We were at a friend’s house and he wouldn’t stop playing video games to take me home when I was puking my guts out from food poisoning (not the friend’s fault, we’d gone out to an early dinner). There was other stuff too, but that night was when I knew I’d have to break the engagement sooner or later.

[Basandre]

Entirely too late.......

[Khadaji]

We had just gotten back together and were only together for two weeks. She tried to throw a surprise party for my birthday and invited friend from all over for it. They didn't know that we were back together (they are good friends, but we don't talk every week) and she freaked out because I hadn't told everyone. I'm much too old for such nonesense.

[Giraffe]

For me, it was when I realized how much happier I was when she wasn't around, and how much more I enjoyed spending time with anyone who wasn't her. She was simply a mean, dreadful person -- always angry, and looking for someone to blame it on. Even then, it took me a long time to finally break it off. (First girlfriend -- didn't really understand that it's ok to break up if you're not happy.) The only regret I have in my life is not breaking up with her a lot sooner -- what a waste.

But considering how unbelievably awesome Mrs. Giraffe is, I'd say I'm still ahead of the game overall. :)

[Smashed Ice Cream]

When the manager of the apartment complex we lived in mentioned a "friend" staying at our apt. when I was on a business trip, and finding an email from her later explaining her professional *ahem* fees, PLUS finding her airfare (he flew her in) billed to my credit card. I figured I didn't really like him anymore after that.

[Johnny L.A.]

When she dumped me for a girl.

[Morbo]

College girlfriend - we had just moved in together, something I was never certain about, when we began decorating our new place. OK, I guess I can tolerate a couple of Nagels here and there, but then we started hanging her masks. In the living room. She had these painted china masks, each one about 5 inches tall. You know, like the "comedy/tragedy" masks. Some had ribbons, others has different fabric attached to them. Well, she spent about an hour giving me shit because I wasn't hanging them properly while she supervised and kept making me get back on the ladder to rearrange them.

So I'm standing there, staring at these fugly masks, listening to her make some sarcastic comment about how stupid I was to hang two "comedies" next to each other, and I had one of those "moments of clarity." I calmly stepped off the ladder, handed her the mask I was holding in my hand, and left. The next day I showed up with my friend's truck and began moving my shit out.

Best decision I ever made, aside from marrying my wife.

[NotWithoutRage]

When he asked me to choose between him and my friends.

[Yumanite]

When I said to him once, "I can smell the creosote, maybe it's going to rain" with a sigh of pleasure, and he replied, "all I smell is cowsh*t."

[NoClueBoy]

For my latest ex...

When I finaly realised just how selfish she was. It affected her kids, even. Needless to say, it was rough to do, because by that time I was also in love with her kids, but... I just couldn't do it.

I tried to stay friends with her, really, because I didn't want her (or the kids) to be unhappy for any reason. Even that didn't work.

FTR, she was the one who broke up with me first, but as I said in another thread, my break ups last a long time, always getting back together "to work it out." I thought she was "The One." At one time, she did of me, too. She even asked me to marry her (twice). This time, the break up lasted longer than the original good time.

Yes, she had/has good points in her favor. However, the major flaw of being so incredibly selfish finally trumped everything else.

[Icarus]

We were at a garage sale and I saw a sled, so I whispered, "Rose-bud."

She said, "What's that from?"

[MemoryGongs]

when she lied to me about being pregnant, on april fools day, using her sisters preg. test

when she said she loved country music

when she said she wanted at least four kids

when she refused to reciprocate oral sex but likd to lie back and be serviced

[Rubystreak]

In retrospect, for me there is ALWAYS a pivotal moment, never quite realized at the time, when it was over. After that, the relationship is a walking ghost until someone realizes it's been over for months/years.

With my most recent ex, it was at the midpoint of our relationship. I spent two years, first getting him to stop sleeping with other women, then to move out of his mother's house (he was 34), then to get his degree and get the job he wanted. He was supposed to move to where I was (after I tried for a year to get a job where he was and couldn't, but spent tons of time and money trying). He kept putting it off, and THE NIGHT BEFORE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MOVE, he called me at midnight and kept me on the phone until 3am, still undecided. I was all out of effort: finally, something broke in me and I just gave up. I told him to do whatever the hell he wanted, but I was hanging up. At that point, it was over for me.

He moved, but things were never right after that. We had a renaissance last year, but then he picked a fight with me about dental floss, and used it as a springboard to tell me how evil I was as a person, and that was the last nail in the coffin.

[auntie em]

Originally posted by Dooku
So I'm standing there, staring at these fugly masks, listening to her make some sarcastic comment about how stupid I was to hang two "comedies" next to each other, and I had one of those "moments of clarity."
Ahh, the Moment of Clarity . . . mine came when he said four little words to me: Shut the fuck up.

[soulmurk]

As I posted in the the thread referenced in the OP, I knew when: I lost her.

Then there's the one that up until today I had high hopes for, but found out she's just a very mature 16.

[Whiskey]

I knew he was wrong, in retrospect, when I found he poured out all of his feelings to me... WHEN I WAS ASLEEP! I had a voice-activated tape recorder (I was a journalist at the time), and it caught some night-time revelations. He, pouring out his heart, me, snoring lightly. After that, I never slept nearly as well. I should have known... but I married him anyway. Divorced, 7 yrs now. No wonder. Still creeps me out.

[auntie em]

Originally posted by Whiskey
I knew he was wrong, in retrospect, when I found he poured out all of his feelings to me... WHEN I WAS ASLEEP! I had a voice-activated tape recorder (I was a journalist at the time), and it caught some night-time revelations. He, pouring out his heart, me, snoring lightly. What did he say? Was it gushy, gooey stuff, or "I've never really loved you and your butt's too big" stuff?

[blakeformayor]

Originally posted by Cormac36
My question is this, "when did you know he/she was not the one?"

The first time I felt the need to ask this very question...

[NinetyWt]

When our second child was born. I was up all nite (17 hr labor) and the baby finally came in the a.m. Later that morning he called me in a drunken rage threatening to come to the hospital and beat all the nurses' and the doctor's @$$es. My sis-in-law wanted to bring my daugter to see the baby, and I was so terrified that she would witness this carnage, so I said "No". Later I thought, "What kind of Daddy would stomp on his daughter's first greeting of the new baby?". I started thinking of ways out, that day.

It's been 14 years, and I can still feel that sick knot in the pit of my stomach.

[cherry]

when a girl moved in with him while i was out of town

[Siege]

When I found out from a third party that he was married.

When even after I told him how important good conversation is to me, his limit on any given topic was about five sentences.

CJ

[petcat]

The day I was married. I didn't want to do it.

I'm glad I did though, if just for our daughter, we were divorced after a year. I still see her three times a week but we have only our kid in common.

Now there's a girl I met last year, I know SHE's the one, I mean, when the snake jumps up on the kayak in the middle of the river, looks you both over and then swims away, well, that's just FATE. But she doesn't know it.

[BadBaby]

He wasn't 'the one' but boy, did the universe snap it's fingers and wake me up. We were at a fairly nice restaurant, he excused himself from the table and came back a few minutes later with a couple of safety pins through the flesh of his cheeks. I'd gone out with him in the beginning because he seemed fun, then he was wacky but still fun. It took the safety pins and blood running down his cheeks for me to see he hadn't ever been joking at all. Eesh!

[FranticMad]

On our first dinner date. We had a great conversation. Then I asked a question about her plans for the future in her job and she suddenly flew into a rage and told me to F. off in a loud voice.

It took me 4 years to admit it wasn't going to work out. There is much I admire about that woman, but her mood swings are like a baseball bat hitting a home run (my head being the baseball). Luv ya honey, but I can't handle the abuse.

[jackelope]

She and I used to go out with a big group of folks after work on Fridays, have a couple drinks, and then people would go their separate ways, to dinner or movies or more drinks or whathaveyou.

One Friday she and I decided that after the big group meeting we'd go home and just spend the evening at home talking, "like we did in the old days." We got wine and cheese and fired up some jazz and sat down, and...

After 15 minutes we had nothing left to say to each other. We gave up and went to the video store.

That's when I knew. It didn't really fizzle out for another six months or so (you don't throw away six years casually), but I think that was when we both knew.

[Marvel]

There were a lot of clues that The Schmuck (that's all my friends, family and I will refer to him as) wasn't Mr. Right after all, but there was one particular incident that got through even to my low-self-esteem-drenched skull...

He was sitting on the edge of my bed in my dorm room. I had just undressed and was basically presenting myself, butt naked, for sex. What does he say?

"You look pretty good for a fat girl."

I don't remember much after that other than crying inside of my locked bathroom (the dormatory used to be a hotel) bawling my eyes out and him pounding on the door shouting, "I was just kidding." Bastard.

Now I'm married to a saint who worships my ass. And my thighs. And my belly. And my coochie...

Patty

P.S. I should nominate this for Threadspotting - I nominated its opposite-themed thread, after all.

P.P.S. Wouldn't you LOVE to know what the people talked about here were possibly thinking? I'd love to know what Dooku's comedy/tragedy mask freak, Gundy's Boston boyfriend with the dish-washing issues and Memory Gongs' April Fool's Day faux pregnancy test fruitloop would have to say for themselves. Have they wised up and are now rightly ashamed of themselves or do they still feel fine with this questionale behavior? FranticMad's freak is just plain hopeless.

[Drastic]

At the time, it was coming home to a half-empty apartment. Sort of thing that makes you begin to suspect that there just might be some sort of fly in this here ointment. But in hindsight, I pretty much had my eyes sewn, glued, and duct-taped firmly shut to avoid seeing quite a lot of flies.

[Batsinma Belfry]

He convinced me to pay for my own wedding ring with the promise that he would pay me back when he got his next paycheck. The ring was used and too big, so when it was time for him to get paid, he offered to get it resized. He was going to bring it back the next day along with the money to pay me back.

Found out he hadn't worked in a month, and he sold my ring to get a new muffler for his truck.

[jack@ss]

On my wedding day, when, without asking me, she promised he rmother that in the event she was incapacitated or homeless she could come live with us. Actually, she didn't say "you can come live with us", shesaid "you're always welcome to come stay with me".

I ignored it because I was 33 years old and desperate to be married. justover 4 years later,mother-in-law had been living with us "temporarily" for over a year, (funny how the marriage started to fall apart when she moved in) she tried to commit suicide and left a note asking me to take care of her mother.

[3trew]

I think it was when she told me she was a lesbian and was leaving me and taking the kid.

I may sometimes miss subtle clues, but I picked up on that one right away.

[SnugTheJoiner]

The night he punched me in the nose.

[otherwiseknownas]

The night he bashed me into unconsciousness, making me miscarry at 5 and a half months. He'd hit me before but I'd always excused it or told myself that it was a one off and wouldn't happen again. It took losing my daughter to finally wake up and realise that he was never going to change and the next person to die would be me.

[Zap_Rowsdower]

When she looked at me with her big watery eyes and said, "please, when we are in public don't let me see you look at any other women because it would just kill me". This was after going out only a couple of times.

Also, from the beginning I told her I was an atheist, and she acted like it was ok. She was a mormon on probation or on some black list or something. I said that I would not go to any church service or be involved in church activities. Later she told me that that bothered her.

Lastly, I told her I was not interested in having children (at that point in my life, and still don't). We were talking hypothetically and she said that if she were married to someone who did not want kids, she would lie about taking birth control and get pregnant anyway rather than discuss the matter before it got to that stage.

Fortunately it ended when she stole $1000.00 and ran off to her ex. It was the best money I ever spent because it got her totally out of my life once and for all. The relationship was probably about three or four months in total.

[tmwster]

When I realized that I resented his expectations that I spend more time with him. It was a reasonable expectation for two people who had begun to speak cautiously of marriage. We were trying to create romance in what was really just a very good friendship. We are still good friends, but he's now someone else's husband.

[jmalin]

When her cats started pissing on my clothes.

[Cormac36]

Cool...first post ever and it gets nominated for thread spotting. This just might swell my ego.

[Ceejaytee]

After he went through drug rehab (to keep his job) and continued using afterward. When he spent all his money on drugs and I put myself in massive debt to keep up with the rent and utility payments. When he acknowledged the fact that, while we were engaged, he could have gotten another woman pregnant, and made it sound like a one-night-stand, but I found out it was definitely a relationship that lasted a while. When he cried to his momma over the phone that I wouldn't give him a second chance and I'd given him 10 or 20 of them. When I told him I was moving out and he threatened to stab himself in our bathroom, and I was more concerned that he might hurt my cats.

But, now I'm happily married with a cute kid, and he's in prison for armed robbery (coke habits are tough to finance). He used to be a corrections officer too--ah, irony.

[farnsworth]

When she tried to knee me in the groin, I thought that would be the end. But my family told me to forgive, and my friends told me it was OK for a woman to try to hit a guy.

But when she started waving kitchen knives around, well, that was a little too much for me.

[DrClayForrester]

Okay... This is my first post here, as well, although I've been reading for quite a while.

I think, for me, the big moment when I realized she wasn't "The One" was when I found her in the newspaper for having been arrester after stabbing her ex-boyfriend in the throat and trying to jump off a bridge.

DCF

[porkchop_d_clown]

Originally posted by jackelope
After 15 minutes we had nothing left to say to each other. We gave up and went to the video store.

And here I thought that was a sign my wife and I knew each other inside and out. What did you expect to talk about? It takes a lot less than 15 minutes for Sue & I to run out of "conversation" - simply because there isn't that much in our daily lives we don't share already. In my experience, that's normal for people who've been together a long time.

We've been married fifteen years, and I don't see that stopping any time soon.

[ratatoskK]

When I found out he had secretly run up a $40,000 credit card bill.

[In Conceivable]

Originally posted by porkchop_d_clown
And here I thought that was a sign my wife and I knew each other inside and out. What did you expect to talk about? It takes a lot less than 15 minutes for Sue & I to run out of "conversation" - simply because there isn't that much in our daily lives we don't share already. In my experience, that's normal for people who've been together a long time.

We've been married fifteen years, and I don't see that stopping any time soon.

My ex (the one whose breathing annoyed me) and I had nothing to talk about either. It wasn't because we knew each other so well, it was just because we really didn't really have anything to say that would interest the other. Trying to think of something to say to him that wouldn't cause a fight was hard

My SO and I have been together for seven years. We can still spend all night talking. Of course we don't do that every night, but the fact that we can and sometimes do makes all the difference to me.

There is a difference between the not talking that goes on between a happily married, connected couple and a couple that has nothing at all in common.

[porkchop_d_clown]

Originally posted by In Conceivable
There is a difference between the not talking that goes on between a happily married, connected couple and a couple that has nothing at all in common.

True enough. But Jackelope made it sound like his relationship collapsed out of boredom.

[porkchop_d_clown]

Originally posted by ratatoskK
When I found out he had secretly run up a $40,000 credit card bill.

Ouch! I hope he at least spent the money on something impressive!

[DelosD]

It wasn't when I asked her to marry me and she said no. It was later when she said yes and my insides responded with "Oh Shit!".

[Arleth]

Ok, my first post here so please be gentle with me.

When, after spending a day wandering round jewellery shops looking for an engagement ring, she turned up later that evening wearing someone else's diamond on her finger. I had no idea about it.

And her comment:

'It doesn't make a difference does it?'

I think that did it for me.

Luckiest break I got in the end though.

[MrMyth]

When she found out about my going out with co-workers for an evening, figured out which bar it was, and showed up unwanted just because she felt that the rule we all had set of 'no SO's for the night' was wrong. She then proceeded to not sit at the table with the rest of us and tried to run interference whenever I was included in the conversation. This is when I knew she was really just a high-functioning sociopath.

Unfortunately she was already pregnant by then, and I wasn't leaving until I could establish paternity and sue for custody.

[Tattva]

Mine's a little more mundane than many other stories, but for one of my exes, I knew he wasn't The One for me when we both had colds, and were in my dorm room with my one box of Kleenix and every time he used one of my (apparently) precious Kleenix I seethed inside.

I don't remember anything else setting me off though.

[Rich Mann]

First wife; When she told me "Pack your bags, get out and never come back!", I should have. It actually took another 20 or so times (at approx. 28-day intervals) before I warned her that this was the last time I would let her beg me back. So as to be fair, the last time she ordered me to leave I reminded her and asked her repeatedly if she was sure. She was.

Second wife; When, after insisting that I take the job in TX promising to follow as soon as I was set up, she then seemed to find all kinds of reasons to believe that moving a household interstate was an impossibility--despite the fact that thousands of families do it every day.

Latest GF; When she woke me up by slapping me rapid-fire with alternating hands and then pressed charges against me for having the instinctive reaction of shoving her off of me!

I guess I'm a little slow on the uptake when it comes to knowing it's over.

[umgabri2]

When he spent more time with video games than with me. There was a lot of stuff building up before that, and that was the proverbial straw.

[misskitty_79]

Originally posted by In Conceivable
There is a difference between the not talking that goes on between a happily married, connected couple and a couple that has nothing at all in common.
I loved him, but I first knew he wasn't "The One" when...
We both work in bars, four nights/week. I finally realised that I was going to have to break it off when we managed to not spend ANY time together during the three days we're home. We barely even spoke, and it wasn't just that "we're so comfortable we don't need words" silence, but more like "we have absolutely nothing in common anymore and have no desire to spend time trying to change that" silence.
We still live together, but now he's just a roommate who decorates my bed.

[tanookie]

With the guy before my loving hubby... I knew it was over when he said "gee you've put on a few pounds... if you don't lose it I will make you" Then when I told him we were over he threatened to kill himself by throwing himself out my 17th floor dorm window and when I offered to open the window he punched some walls and said something about wrapping his car around a tree. Instead he called my abusive father and had him order me to take him back. I didn't. ( I'd lived in hell long enough and wasnt going to marry into it!!!) He stalked me for a bit but all that did was make me fall madly in love with the man who is now my husband.

[Caricci]

What finally did it for me was when my ex-bf, the drunken, impotent loser I was dating when I met my wonderful husband, called me one night ranting about the two years he wasted chasing a lesbian. When I said something less than supportive about the situation he berated me for not being a friend and backing him up. We didn't break up right away, but I no longer felt guilty about cheating on him with my boss.

[Gundy]

Originally posted by Marvel
I'd love to know what Dooku's comedy/tragedy mask freak, Gundy's Boston boyfriend with the dish-washing issues and Memory Gongs' April Fool's Day faux pregnancy test fruitloop would have to say for themselves.
He has since had, he says, an epiphany. It occurred when I finally, finally, finally dumped him. He went a little crazy -- threatened suicide, sent gifts to my workplace even after I had them sent back, came by my parents' house to talk to them, etc. -- and then tried to contact me every few months to "see how I was doing" and to let me know how sorry he was that he acted like such an ass, and he realized that he wasted an opportunity to be a father to my child, blah blah blah.

You know, it's funny. We were together for four years -- he was my first serious, adult relationship -- and even though I have no feelings for him whatsoever anymore (well...I did like his parents a lot) the fallout from that relationship stays with me even now. I see guys all the time that look like him and it still freaks me out nearly four years later. My current SO, who's the bee's knees, is probably a little disturbed by my constant "criminy, I thought this guy on the train was Gregg" stories.

[Big Perm]

Originally posted by blakeformayor
The first time I felt the need to ask this very question...

Very insightful... good post :)

[Hoopy Frood]

About a week before we broke up, I had sensed that she was being distant. I asked her what was wrong, and even asked her point blank if she wanted to break up (she acted exactly the same way my previous girlfriend had acted right before she dumped me). I had basically let her drive the pace of the relationship anyway. (She was a freshman in college, I was a senior, I could have had a relationship either serious or not, it didn't matter to me, but knowing how freshman in college can be, I figured I'd let her control the seriousness). We were dating exclusively, but other than that, things weren't that serious. When I suggested we break up, I figured we could have an amicable parting of ways with no one getting hurt. She swore up and down that she didn't want to break up. Though my gut told me otherwise, I chose to ignore instincts and actually believe her. A week later, she cheats on me with another guy, for the sole purpose (as realized later) to get me to break up with her. Rather than break up with me a week ago, she wanted to make everything difficult. A few weeks later, she was at a party I was at (we had an overlapping circle of friends and acquaintances) and happened to accost me while she was drunk claiming I was ignoring her after we broke up. (She honestly wanted to stay friends after the breakup.) She had no recollection of this the next morning.

Getting out of that one early was a good thing. I shudder to think what would have happened had it ever gotten serious. I never did figure out why she just didn't break up with me when I gave her tha chance.

[ArrMatey!]

Sheesh. Stuff like this makes me want to....
Stop lurking!

When did I know? Hrm. I think it was when she thought I was asleep and had sex with a mutual friend about 4 feet from me.

Kinda thing makes a man bitter.

Oh, and Hi, everyone! First post!

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

I got a big clue when he said that taking medication for depression made people weak.

And then another one when he told me that he felt he had to choose between me and God (I'm an atheist, and until that point, though he was, too).

It was fun while it lasted.

[In Conceivable]

Originally posted by Caricci
What finally did it for me was when my ex-bf, the drunken, impotent loser I was dating when I met my wonderful husband, called me one night ranting about the two years he wasted chasing a lesbian. When I said something less than supportive about the situation he berated me for not being a friend and backing him up. We didn't break up right away, but I no longer felt guilty about cheating on him with my boss.

So it wasn't that he was a drunken, impotent loser or the fact that you were cheating on him that clued you in? :D

[Cliffy]

When I forgave my high-school girlfriend for kissing another guy (and thereby acting as the vector for a case of mononucleosis) I figured we were forever. But a couple weeks later we were at some school function when we bumped into Marcie, a girl I had mooned over constantly until she graduated a couple years prior. Marcie asked how we were doing. I said "good." My GF threw her arm around me and said "In fact, we're doing good together." I knew that it would be over soon when I almost blurted out "Get your hand the hell off my shoulder bitch!" -- But I managed to choke out a half-hearted "Yeah" instead.

--Cliffy

[Bongmaster]

I'm waiting for that very thing to happen with the girl I'm seeing now...

[Lionors]

When I realized I dreaded coming home in the evenings and looked forward to his going to sleep so I could be alone. This developed into a full scale aversion to him, to the point where I literally felt revulsion when he tried to exercise [so help me, he once referred to it as this, and this was 1996] his 'husbandly rights'. I started sleeping in a recliner after I woke up once to find him, er, availing himself of such rights after I'd said no earlier in the evening. One of the many reasons I've never thought that deliberately waiting until one is married to have sex was a good idea -- if I hadn't had a basis for comparison, I'd've never known how godawful lousy he was.

Given that he also insisted on keeping the cat after the divorce [to which I acceded because the cat liked him better, anyway], then deliberately put it in the pound and left it to be euthanized, then called me Christmas Day after it was done to give me the news....well, you can definitely see why I'm glad I didn't remain with the ass-frenching fucktard.

[Bad Hat]

when she looked down at me, the first time we had sex and said"

"you know i'm going to hurt you eventually, right?"

i knew that it woldn't end well.

'course it was a full year of dating and six months of living together before i got the hint.

[phyre]

hwell...

I should have known when I found out she was 15, not 18 (Me being 20 at the time - she was mature)
I should have known by her mood swings.
I should have known when she was visiting another male friend to get free cocaine every other day.
I should have known when she accidently sent SMS's to me instead of above mentioned friend (our names were next to each other in her phone) that suggested more than just friends.

And then she appaarently took a home pregnancy test, and guess what? She was apparenty pregnant. (In my favour, I did smell a small furry pest, but was too trusting) She then apparently went to a doctor friend who apparanetly gave her some wonder pill that caused an abortion. (Even more fishy, there was just something, the way she said it, the way she acted).

Between "finding out she was pregnant" and "visiting the doctor" there was a whole incident where she "tried" to break up with me, love-blind fool that i was, i fought it, insisted that i wanted to stay with her, be a family, etc, etc, etc.

Shortly afterwards we had an argument and I just lost it and told her exactly where to take her wanna-be-but-not-quite-gothic prissy bullsh1t.

Then she had a catalogue of every gift she had given me, and demanded it all back - as you can guess i said FU... the gifts still remind me of the betta times.

Long story short, she used the pregnancy scam to "bring us closer together", the whole breaking up thing was just to make it more believable.

The irony is, kind of on the re-bound, i went back to one of my exes, got her pregnant and we now live together with her mom until we can get settled by ourselves. we have a long future blanned for both of us, and look forward to raising Blair Chrystal together with love... a family (and she's already talking about the next child - *gulp*)

yeah...

was that kind of what you had in mind
Ps. Ladies: don't jerk guys around with fake pregnancies... a lot of guys are willing to take responsibility for the actions of their dicks, and that is one of the easiest ways to hurt them!

[phyre]

oh yeah, we were together about 9 months, at that stage my lngest running relationship

[elsa32]

i knew that none of my ex-boyfriends were 'the one' when my focus wasn't on being together for however long it lasted. instead it was always in my mind that things would end eventually.

[cowgirl]

When I realized he had absolutely no interest in accommodating my dietary restrictions. He always picked restaurants that he knew (or should have) had only one or two selections I could eat, and that I didn't enjoy them. He seemed to be aware of the problem, but didn't have the creativity/interest/drive to find another restaurant (I was unfamiliar with the city).

I don't think that inability/lack of interest in accommodating a weird diet is in any way bad. Just that anyone who I am going to be eating with regularly, had better do it.

[Gryff]

How about when I try telling her something that I find really interesting, and within a sentence or two, she has switched off and watches the TV, and doesn't notice when I stop talking?

I mean, once or twice I can handle, but it's been like this for the last few years. :-(

[Beadalin]

When he bought me a shot glass for my birthday and made a really big deal out of it. I wasn't at all surprised to find out he was an alcoholic a few months after we broke up.

[Pammipoo]

When I was sick with the flu, and I asked him to run up to the pharmacy to pick up some cough medicine for me. "What do I look like, your bitch?"

Yeah...you can't get me robotussin, I'm all set...

[Rucksinator]

[1.] This girl was gorgeous, but not too smart. One day, after S-- and I had dated for several months, I was talking to another girl and though "I wish I could put this girl's brain in S--'s body." Then I realized that I was thinking this any time I talked to any girl.

[2.] My brother and sister-in-law came over to visit. After watching them for a while, I realized that I should be a lot happier than I was. It seemed that I liked her son, and the idea of having a family, but not really her.

[klytaimnestra]

1) When he had one of his fits of screaming at me over the phone for three hours and hanging up so that I'd phone back and beg so he could hang up again so I could beg some more and humiliate myself generally some more, knowing that these were the rules of the game and if I begged and abased myself enough he would, eventually, relent as long as I accepted that this was somehow all my fault and I should be grateful that he was willing to let me lick his boots - only, this time, I was at a friend's apartment, and there was a witness. And it's not as if she even said anything. But I saw the whole situation through the lens of sanity for the first time, and realised it was sick and had to stop. Still took a year, mind you.

2) When we were up at his cabin with a couple of friends and had agreed that we were going to go on down to the city once we finished packing up. So we did, and then he sat down and had a beer. Okay, I thought, and had one myself. Then he had another, and I didn't. Then he had another. Eventually the friends excused themselves and headed back down to the beach, since he had unilaterally decided that we weren't going anywhere because he had to get his drunk on. After he'd had another three or four I went down to the beach myself.

By a couple of hours later he was seriously wasted and drove to the store to get more beer (I found this out later). Got back without incident, got drunker. Hours went by while we were all politely held hostage, not knowing what to say.

Finally I sent his friends on to the city without us because I didn't want him to embarrass himself in front of people he cared about - accepted without question that it was my job to protect the drunk boyfriend. I was even proud of how I managed to protect him from embarrassing himself more, got him to sleep it off some because he was so drunk I didn't even want him in the passenger seat for fear he would playfully yank the wheel or step out of the moving vehicle or some such.

And I felt quietly competent, confident, happy to be able to take care of someone. Only I never felt the same way about him after that. Never. It took me months to realise that I had a right to be furious that I'd HAD to take care of him.

[Shadez]

I decided he wasn't the one when I kept wanting to change small things about him, after he had told me he loved me because I was the only one who loved him for himself. I couldn't handle the hypocricsy that would ensue.

Of course, that was not the only factor to the breaking up, but it did play an important role.

/Shadez

[you with the face]

I gradually realized he wasn't the one when...

...it dawned on me that no matter how accomodating/patient/tolerant I let myself be, his kisses would never stop making me nauseous.

...I couldn't depend on him to do basic things without some annoying caveat. Sure, I would love for you to cook dinner tonight. But can you please get around to doing it before bedtime?

...I dreaded seeing him when I got home from school.

...I discovered that his idea of fun on a Friday night was to go shopping at Walmart.

...one morning he decided to throw a cup of water on me (after I got dressed up for a school function) and laughed hysterically at my bewildered anger. This was his idea of a funny prank. It was not.

...I realized that I would be VERY upset to discover that I was pregnant with his child.

...I started wondering if it would even be possible for me to love any children we made together.

That last sign was the impetus for our break up, needless to say.

[pezboy2u]

I knew he wasn't the ONE when he played a sadistic, cruel joke on me.

Years earlier, I had been stalked by a psycho I had gone on one date with. It was the whole nightmare scenario- being followed, creepy late night phone calls, culminating in being physically attacked and restraining orders galore. For months, I slept with a knife under my pillow. It was a long time before I allowed myself to date again, as you can imagine.

Then I met the guy who I thought was THE ONE. We dated for a few months, and then he thought it would be a hoot to have his friend "stalk" me. He left cryptic notes on my mailbox at home, called me at work to tell me how I "looked cute in my blue shirt" and such. Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck. After a week of this, my BF finally confessed he set the whole thing up , and was stunned at how upset I was. He never did understand why I reacted so much to his prank- after all, it was all just a "joke"