Grow a thick skin? Good idea! While I'm at it, I'll just grow taller too!

[pizzabrat]

What's with this "grow a skin!" epithat "secure" people throw around so casually? As if people want to be sensitive on purpose. Yes, I like having my week ruined by one innocuous comment. I like neglecting duties to chastize an absent offender who's previous remarks refuse to leave my head. I love thinking that all is lost in terms of future happiness and success when a person suggests that I'm imperfect in their opinion. If you couldn't tell, that was SARCASM. Obviously, if it were so easy to "grow a skin", I'd have done it by now and would be the happiest man in town!

[alice_in_wonderland]

Soo - you've tried to become less sensitive how, exactly? Have you had counselling or something?

The reason I ask is that if a one person's innocuous comment can ruin your whole week, perhaps you should look into getting some professional assistance.

[D_Odds]

While I understand what you are saying pizzabrat, some of the references to growing a thick skin go out to people who purposely place themselves in areas where a thick skin is necessary (such as The Pit). One can't fully control what one is subject to in the real world, but one can easily control their cyber experiences. If treading in waters where pirahna swim, one should expect bites.

[mouthbreather]

If you hang from a chin-up bar 3 hours a day, you can stretch yourself and grow taller.

[Ogre]

If you hang from a chin-up bar 3 hours a day, you can stretch yourself and grow taller.

Plus, calluses on your palms. Thicker skin! Voila!

[World Eater]

Thick skin probably comes in handy if you like to walk over hot coals.

[neuroman]

There's no reason for someone to be a jerkwad to you, but there really shouldn't be a reason one "innocuous" comment ruins your whole week, either. Like Alice_in_Wonderland suggested, maybe you should look at the underlying reasons why this comment struck such a nerve, and try to address the situation so it doesn't happen again.

(I assume you're short and someone made some wiseass comment about you're height?)

[Lobsang]

I am notoriously thin-skinned. (those here that recognise my name might vouch for that) Sometimes a temporary thick skin is easy to grow, but not a permanent one. It is harder than it may seem.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Well it is possible to grow a thicker skin, but it is difficult.

Step 1. Understand that what you feel is under your control, and your control alone.

What this means is that no one can make you feel a certain way without you in part at least allowing them to make you feel that way. If you find you keep refelcting on the bad things that upset you, then you will be more upset, if instead you learn not to keep reflecting on these bad things they will cause you less damage.

You can get help in learning this from Therapists, or books or friends that you can trust.
You will find on this board many people with little self control who can be switched on and off by a comment or even a single word, who will then cuss and complain for an incredably long time. You will also find people on this board who control themselves, not by having less feelings but by understanding their feelings and how they are affected by those arround them.
Cheers, Bippy

[DreadCthulhu]

Just learn to ignore anyone who doesn't like you or disagrees with you. It works for me! :)

[Lobsang]

That's just it - with us thin-skinned people. We are not really in control of what we think.

I like to think we are thin skinned because we place a lot of value in what others think of us. If we say something that gets misunderstood. And someone then thinks something about us that is not true, we want that person to know the truth. Letting go is letting a misconception remain. so we don't want to 'let it go'

We know that 'letting it go' is the right (or at least most productive) thing to do, but it is hard to do, it is hard to let someone keep thinking something that is false.

It is alright saying 'Understand that what you feel is under your control, and your control alone.' but really that is just like saying 'get a thicker skin' which is what is in dispute in the first place. It is easier said than done. I realize you are trying to help, I am just adding my two cents.

[red_dragon60]

Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"


Well, at least I thought it was funny...

[Lobsang]

:dubious: (hesitantly) I find it funny too.

[djf750]

When I'm in a good place emotionally, other people's bullshit is almost funny to me. When I am not, or I am very tired, I too let other people's ignorance get to me.

The older I get though, the less time I dwell on it. I also remind myself that in the past I have made ignorant mean remarks to people when they didn't deserve it, and I was wrong, and what I did or said really had nothing to do with them, but with my own immaturity.

And in conclusion....sometimes. believe it or not , people say things and don't really mean what you think they meant.

[pizzabrat]

I like to think we are thin skinned because we place a lot of value in what others think of us. If we say something that gets misunderstood. And someone then thinks something about us that is not true, we want that person to know the truth. Letting go is letting a misconception remain. so we don't want to 'let it go'


OH MY GOD!! That's exactly the source of half of my frustrations! I can't believe the same thing happens to other people. I didn't even mention that in the OP, but that's what I do all the time.

[Ogre]

So be clear the first time.

[World Eater]

Originally posted by Lobsang
I like to think we are thin skinned because we place a lot of value in what others think of us. If we say something that gets misunderstood. And someone then thinks something about us that is not true, we want that person to know the truth. Letting go is letting a misconception remain. so we don't want to 'let it go'

I donno, clarifying a misconception, and being unable to handle an insult, seem different to me.

[Lobsang]

Well having a thin skin is not always about clarifying a misconception, just sometimes. They are different.

Being insulted makes a person think there is somethig about them that is flawed, so again they do not want to 'drop it' but rather to get to the bottom of why they were insulted.

It is hard to believe that some people are just naturally inclined to insult. So it is hard not to take it personally.

[pizzabrat]

mouthbreather:
If you hang from a chin-up bar 3 hours a day, you can stretch yourself and grow taller.

...will that really work?

neuroman:
(I assume you're short and someone made some wiseass comment about you're height?)

Nah, that's not it. I'm not too happy about my height, but no one's ever called me short, directly. I have been excluded from certain lists (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=167041). I was just using an example of something impossible for me to change.

Ogre:
So be clear the first time.

I was clear the first time. It was just your prejudices that clouded my message (not you specifically, it's just that that seems to be the problem most of the time).

[mouthbreather]

Originally posted by pizzabrat
mouthbreather: ...will that really work?


ij amn tryingr it rghint noew but terh problem is thart i havre to typoe with myh toese. i'/ll let yuou knjow hjow ity worjs forf me,

[Nightime]

Hanging from a chin up bar doesn't work, but you can get taller with certain stretches. Or at least you can keep your morning height for the rest of the day. To lock in your morning height, stretch before getting out of bed. Point your toes. Stretch until it hurts. Now stand up with your back to the wall, and bend backwards as far as you can. You will get better over time. If you would like further secrets of increasing height, send me a check or money order for $39.95.

[DreadCthulhu]

Well, just remember, you are always right, and if someone insults you, they are wrong and shouldn't be bothered with. Of course, this is how it works with me, you may be imperfect.

[Earthworm Jim]

Originally posted by Lobsang
Being insulted makes a person think there is somethig about them that is flawed, so again they do not want to 'drop it' but rather to get to the bottom of why they were insulted.


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Elanor Roosevelt

[Mangetout]

You may end up taller after the spine grows in.

[jayjay]

Originally posted by Mangetout
You may end up taller after the spine grows in.

*snerk!*

Now I kind of feel bad for laughing at this. :p

[Mac Guffin]

In the same vein as the E. Roosevelt quote...

People can't push your buttons if you don't give them buttons to push.

So switch to Velcro, I guess.

[World Eater]

Originally posted by Mangetout
You may end up taller after the spine grows in.

:D

[kabbes]

Originally posted by Mangetout
You may end up taller after the spine grows in. Wow. Mangetout said this? Kindly, friendly Get Out his own self?

Very funny, of course. :D

pan

[Zebra]

Them You should try to grow a thicker skin Zebra

Zebra You should try to grow a bullet proof vest.


Of course I didn't say that out loud.

[XJETGIRLX]

Why would you let your own sense of self-worth be determined by what other people think or say about you?

I don't see how being 'thin skinned' is an excuse for letting someone else ruin your day.

We all have to deal with shit. We all get yelled at, mocked, made fun of, or told off. It happens. Does it mean that people hate us? Does it mean that we're losers? Most of the time, no :D

pizzabrat I think you'll find that the less you worry about what people think of you the thicker your skin will be.

I understand where you're coming from, because I used to be like that too. I would over-analyze things, conversations, trying to read into them what I thought the other person was thinking. When I realized that my feelings and my own happiness could not be constrained by how I was treated by others, I finally felt a sense of freedom.

Another poster said that no one can make you unhappy without your permission. I know that might not make a whole lot of sense to you right now, but it's completely true. You have to make up your mind to be happy first. Make a conscious decision to not let anyone bother you today. Realize that no matter what people say or what you think they feel towards you, it doesn't change who or what you are.

And I would also suggest doing a lot of soul searching and possibly seeking counseling. These kinds of issues are things that not everyone understands, but that you definitely need to work out in some way in order to be happy.

Good luck.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Sorry if I came accross as saying it was easy to grow a thicker skin.
It's damn difficult. One reason for my just writing step1, is that is as far as I can get, and I havn't got there yet ;)
Cheers, Bippy

[coosa]

What Bippy and several others said. Some of us grow up with the confidence to have that "thick skin" and some of us don't. We're never quite sure that we have that 'right to be here', to quote the Desiderata, so we look to other people for reassurance. Unfortunately, that's a really bad idea and will cause you endless misery throughout your life.

By taking others' snarky or cruel comments to heart you are allowing them to control you. They are controlling your emotions, your opinion of them, and your opinion of yourself. A couple of problems with that: 1) You can't expect anyone else to really care all that much how they affect you, as long as the outcome is beneficial to them; 2) Everyone is going to demand different things from you, and you can't expect to please them all. You just end up being jerked around and feeling lost and confused.

And, like Bippy, I want to be clear that, although it sounds easy and sensible, it isn't - it can be very hard to learn to live that way. I'm in therapy myself, partly to learn to do this; a good therapist/counseler can make a world of difference simply by affirming your right and your ability to do this.

The 'control' issue goes both ways. Just as you are the only person who can control yourself, so other people are fully responsible for the behaviors they choose. If someone says something unpleasant to or about you, don't search yourself for whatever responsibility you think you have for giving them a reason to say that; they are totally responsible for what they think and say. Their thoughts and comments came from inside of them; you didn't put them there.

I'm sure I could write a whole page about this and still not explain myself well, so instead I'll recommend a couple of books that might be helpful: The Art of Rational Living, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D., and Robert A. Harper, Ph.D., and Choice Theory, by Dr. William Glasser.

Albert Ellis is the primary founder of Rational Emotive-Behavioral Therapy, or REBT; Dr. Glasser is a psychiatrist who developed what is called Reality Therapy. Both theories are based on cognitive-behavioral principals, and are very effective if you are willing to work at changing your life.

Oops, didn't notice I'd climbed up on my soap-box - I'll get down now.

Here's a big hug to everyone else who has this problem - {{{{HUG}}}}.

[Mangetout]

I'm sorry for my wisecrack above Pizzabrat. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with being sensitive. Don't grow a thick skin, turn your sensitivity to your advantage instead.

[pizzabrat]

I'm sorry for my wisecrack above Pizzabrat.
....I didn't even get it until I reread it after your apology.