Need Advice on Disappearing Friend...

[soulburnz]

I need some advice... a little background...

I began talking with a guy in Arizona around Christmas time last year (I am in Iowa). He was very polite and sent me an email first: saying he was a missplaced Midwest guy looking for some intelligent conversation. I figured he really meant it and it was a nice change from random IM's asking what my favorite sexual position was. We IM'd for hours, clicking on alot of things. We continued to talk a few times a week - and if nothing else became very close friends - I was even considering going to visit him in AZ.

A few weeks ago I got my last email from him. The plan had been to talk on a Friday night - he sent me an email telling me he was going out with the guys for some beers and didn't want me to think I was ignoring him. And then he disappeared into thin air. I checked emails I sent after that date and he never opened them. His account still exists - so he didn't lose service. At first I didn't think it was that big of a deal - he would be unavailable for several days at a time before - nothing out of the ordinary. But now I am starting to get worried.

There is of course a psycho ex girlfriend involved. I had always suspected he was still seeing her on the weekends when he rarely talked to me. Or that she was still living there - because of the odd times that we would actually talk. I keep going back and forth between being worried if he is okay or being pissed that he just totally dumped me. It's hard for me to think he would just leave without a trace like this because he knows my history and how much it would hurt me.

He sent me a story he wrote a few months ago and it happens to have the email address of one of his friends on it. This is where I need the advice.

Do I embarrass myself by begging the friend for info about him ? or just let sleeping dogs lay and get on with my life ? (I'm pretty much over the pissed off and emotional parts - but it just keeps nagging at me - if something happened to him or not). Any thoughts would be appreciated... thanx.

[1ofthegulls]

A couple years ago I made the VERY serious mistake of checking up on my boyfriend from another address I saw on one of his emails. By breaking that trust it completely ruined our relationship. A step I took over the line. I simply went too far. We would have split up over other things I learned down the line. But what I did was wrong. If this guy wants out of your email relationship I'd let it go now while it's easier, than to get involved with him (especially when you already know there is a psycho-ex!). I know that I would want to email the other person I saw on the addy and ask if he was okay. But from my past experiences I know deep down that it's better if I didn't. Good luck! I ache at the thought of even going through that again. :rolleyes:

[don't ask]

I think you will drive yourself crazy wondering what's happened. I also think it is good that you are worried about a friend, even if it's an online friend. Contact the friend by email making sure that you are clear that you only want to know that X is okay and have no further expectations. Before contacting the friend send X an email expressing your concern and explain that you are going to contact his friend just to ensure X's well being.

[yosemite]

I think don't ask has it right. The friend doesn't have to tell you anything, you aren't pumping the friend for anything other than a confirmation that this guy is still breathing oxygen. That is all.

I don't think that merely wanting to confirm the wellbeing of a friend is betraying their trust. But like don't ask says, email your friend first, say that you're simply worried about him and that if you don't hear from him in a while you're going to email this other person just to make sure he (your friend) is still OK. Say it's been weighing on your mind; you don't mind it if he's too busy or sidetracked to converse with you now—as long as you know he's OK you can rest easy and not worry about him anymore.

[1ofthegulls]

I agree. What I did was betrayal, but if you do it how they suggested you'll be okay.

[soulburnz]

Right now I am more worried about him being safe. Not trying to do anything underhanded at all. I would hope that if the tables were turned he would do the same.

Thanx guys...