IYHO: Send a letter or no?

[welby]

Just curious, want to get an opinion from fellow Dopers about something.

I just found out that a friend from my younger years died in a house fire along with his kids. I was friends with his sister and other family members for many years until a falling out I had with the sister about 6 years ago.

The basics: The sister and I lived together for a while and had a really odd kind of love-hate thing going. We acknowledged that we were friends and shouldn't date each other, but were jealous of each other's dating prospects. Bleah, makes my stomach turn to think about it, really. We were young and dumb and frankly a large portion of our relationship centered around drugs.

When we finally went our separate ways both of us played the psycho hosebag role a little bit. Again, the relationship was weird, but what do you want from a couple of people who did drugs every day?

The thing is this: I really, really liked the guy. He was a nice guy, hard worker, friendly, and funny. Truly one of my favorite people to hang around with when things were normal relationship-wise with the family. Even after his sister and I had a falling out he would occasionally sneak over to hang out and smoke a bowl.

I'm debating whether to send a letter (not a card, they're tacky as hell) expressing my condolences to his parents, but I'm not sure how they would take it.

Any opinions?

[FairyChatMom]

I don't see how you can go wrong with such a letter. I would think kind comments about the good times and sincere condolences would be most welcome.

[Lyllyan]

Considering your past interaction with this family, I would find it strange if you didn't send a letter. Reverse the situation. Wouldn't you like to hear from them in such a case? This family will need to hear from as many of their friends as possible. To lose a son/brother and nieces/nephews/grandchildren? Reach out, man.

[Kalhoun]

I say do it. It means so much to hear from people after you lose someone. I'm sure they'll appreciate it for what it is. A kind gesture.

[porcupine]

Another vote for "Send a letter."

[gwendee]

No bad can come from sending a note. If you don't send one you'll have that "should've sent a note" feeling dogging you.

I say send it.

[SlowMindThinking]

I know that if one of my children were to die, a kind letter from even an enemy would be welcome.

[Tansu]

The good of sending a letter far outweighs any lingering bad feelings from falling out with the bloke's sister years ago. Actually, I think SlowMindThinking has it spot on.

[Rubystreak]

I was in a similar situation: my best friend from high school lost her sister on 9/11. My friend and I had a major falling out and haven't spoken in about 8 years. However, I really liked her sister and had known her since she was 5 years old, so I sent my former friend a card expressing my sorrow and condolences. I did NOT indicate that she should contact me; ie, I didn't put in a phone # or e-mail address, just the return address.

I've heard through the grapevine that she was touched and happy to have received the card. I vote that you send a sympathy card with a few sentences inside.

[Jorel]

I say send condolence.

I'm curious why a card is tacky and a letter is not.

From my own (limited) experience the shorter the feelings expressed are, the better.

[Scarlett67]

A sympathy card with a smarmy canned poem and a signature is tacky and impersonal.

A handwritten note, either on nice notepaper or in a blank card, offering personal condolences and perhaps a warm story about the deceased, is lovely and appropriate and will be treasured by the family.

[neuroman]

I think a brief letter, or, as Scarlett67 suggested, a non-smarmy card (you have to hunt for them) is the way to go. Keep it short and sweet - maybe a paragraph or two?

[DaToad]

I'm with the "send the letter" camp. Six years was a long time ago and I think they will appreciate hearing from you.

[X~Slayer(ALE)]

Send the letter. Deal with how they handle it when it happens. Do this for sake of this really really nice guy and his family. Youre not jumping back into their lives, youre expressing an honest feeling towards this friend. Do it!

[Exgineer]

I have two things, a vote and a request.

My vote: Send the letter. It's the right thing to do, and you knew that or you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place.

My request: The next time something good happens in your life, could you post about that too? I'm starting to worry about you, buddy. You've got severe troubles, no doubt about that, but we don't want to lose you here, and I'm starting to get a picture that scares me a little bit.

I don't know if you remember me, but I like you a lot. I had boatloads of fun with you in that "Northeastern Squirrel Command" thread, and it's kind of nice to have somebody here that I can virtually poke in the ribs without being hollered at.

Sorry if this post is inappropriate for IMHO.

[welby]

Sent the letter this morning, we'll have to see what happens. Thanks for all of the advice and support.

Exgineer, I'll be happy to post something good, hopefully in the next few days assuming everything goes well. I had a blast in the Squirrel thread too, but don't worry about me going anywhere. Tough times are tough times, but the only way through them is to bow your head and plow through. Thanks for the kind thoughts though, and I like you too. Not often you find a person with a sense of humor so oddly like my own.

[WhetherMan]

Well…since you already sent the letter, my response then is more to the effect of thinking you made the right decision. I would certainly welcome any sort of condolence letter about a deceased loved one. I think your letter will be well received.

[Ferret Herder]

Originally posted by Scarlett67
A sympathy card with a smarmy canned poem and a signature is tacky and impersonal.

A handwritten note, either on nice notepaper or in a blank card, offering personal condolences and perhaps a warm story about the deceased, is lovely and appropriate and will be treasured by the family.

This is Miss Manners' perspective on it as well, plus probably any other etiquette maven's. She always promotes a handwritten note, even a short one, over any kind of mass-produced card. Writing a short anecdote about how much that person meant to you or something nice/touching/etc. that the person did, rather than focusing on your own sorrow, is always appreciated by the family. When my dad died, I heard all sorts of interesting stories about his childhood and other times of his life that I didn't know much about, and I treasured being able to hear new things about him.