Mr. Fixit

[tiny ham]

I have several men in my life who are wonderful, fantastic, loving, sexy, funny and great.

I am married to one of them, very close friends with others.

And putting aside all the petty, usual girl shit that i'm supposed to complain about (Toilet seat, football, strip clubs, communication)...there is one thing that I've noticed in a lot of men that I DON'T notice in a lot of women*.

And that is: Mr. Fixit Syndrome.

Me: Man, I have a headache.

Husband: Did you take an advil? Drink some water? I bet you're dehydrated. Go get some water.


Men in my life, and men around the world, just a hint:

Sometimes I don't need you to fix it, OK? Sometimes I don't need your input on how to make the situation I am SOBBING about better. Sometimes I don't need to know how I can lose ten pounds. Sometimes I JUST WANT TO BITCH about my headache or weight gain or work or about a television show or a friend or a news item. Sometimes all you need to say is "Yeah, that sucks" and go get a beer with me.

Here is an example:

Me: God! So and so drives me nuts, she does this thing with her emails where she attaches little animated .gifs to every single mail and it clogs my mail box and it's just so stupid...they serve no purpose and most of the time, they're not even cute.

HERE IS WHERE YOU MAY CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE:

A Man: Well, why don't you email her and tell her to stop, or put a block on her address?

B Man: Yeah, that IS stupid. I had a guy once who put a smilie after every sentence.

HERE IS THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE STORY:

B Man gets my lovin', A Man gets me saying "YES, I KNOW THAT".

It's called a sympathetic ear. We are women, not children. I don't need you to fix everything. I know how to fix annoying email, I know how to get rid of a headache, I know how to lose weight. I just wanted to tell you what was happening. I just wanted to commiserate, I just wanted acknowledgement that what I thought was mean/rude/wacky/wrong was indeed wrong.

When I need you to fix something, I will ask..."Can you help me out with something" or "Can I have your advice?"

Otherwise...please...just lend me your ear.

Thank you.



*note I didn't say ALL. I am talking about a specific group with a specific behavior which puts them IN said group

[neutron star]

So then you're bitching at men because they don't want to see you suffer and try to help you out. Nice.

Sometimes I JUST WANT TO BITCH about my headache or weight gain or work or about a television show or a friend or a news item.

And men don't want you to bitch about those things - they want you to be happy - so they try to offer solutions. Your response to that generousity seems to consist entirely of bitching even louder.

You'd rather bitch about a headache than take an Advil. I mean WTF is that shit?

[beagledave]

Originally posted by neutron star

You'd rather bitch about a headache than take an Advil. I mean WTF is that shit?

Someone won't be gettin' jarluvin.

[Trion]

A) If you stopped hanging around with these types of men you wouldn't have this problem anymore. Get yourself a better class of men.

B) God, that suck. I know how you feel. I also hate it when people try and fix my life. It's like I don't know the solution. Chances are I know what to do, I just need to vent in the meantime.

;)

[tiny ham]

The point is Neutron...I DO take advil, I DO drink water...but at the time I may still have a headache. I know how to take care of myself.

There are times when I'd just like my husband or friend to COMMISERATE

ME: I have a headache

Husband: Sorry about that...hope it goes away soon.

Do you think I'm so stupid that I don't know to take fucking Advil? Give me a break.

[guy_from_wpa]

Men fix things. Aren't there lots of books and Oprah shows that say this? This is something new to you?

Anyway, here's how to fix this problem.....

[NinetyWt]

I told my first husband, "sometimes you're just supposed to say 'poor ninetywt' ".

He said, "that would spoil you".


jerk.

[pepperlandgirl]

I read about this "problem" in magazines and other boards, and I just don't get it. I guess because the only tiem I bitch to my husband is when I do expect him to fix the problem.

[tiny ham]

Pepper, you never come home from work and say "what a shitty day?"

When I say that, mr. jar comes back with "Well, what are you going to change so that tomorrow is better? Could you speak to your boss about it?"

ALL I WANT HIM TO SAY IS: Sorry, bud. Let's go get some dinner.

[Finagle]

Wasn't this one of the main points of the "Men are From Mars, Women are Just Plain Weird" books? That women want sympathy and men want to offer solutions?

You could always defer the helpful suggestions by saying "I have a headache and the Advil hasn't kicked in yet." That is, indicate that you're in the process of solving the problem/know what to do and that you're just complaining.

[Neurotik]

So have you told whoever about this? Maybe they'll stop.

[Enderw24]

Have you tried Windex? I hear that cures everything.

[Gorgon Heap]

Maybe you should only bitch to other women and leave the poor guys alone.

:D

[tiny ham]

Except I like to be hugged on by boys sometimes. Mr. Jar is big and cuddly and can fix a bad day just by HUGGING, rather than a to do list. That's my point.

[Lao Tsu]

Men aren't built to commiserate or sympathize. If you don't want a solution, don't bring it up. Oh yeah, and sometimes the seat will be up.

My ex-wife never did get that. :D

[peepthis]

[Rosie Perez]
Billy, when I tell you that I'm thirsty, I don't want you to get me a drink of water. I want you to sympathize with my thirstedness!
[/Rosie Perez]

[neutron star]

The point is Neutron...I DO take advil, I DO drink water...but at the time I may still have a headache. I know how to take care of myself.

Well if men are telling you to take Advil after you've already taken it, that is pretty stupid, but it wasn't exactly spelled out in the OP. FWIW, sometimes I'll be laying on the couch watching TV and complain about a headache. My wife will tell me to take an Advil. I'll say "Hey, yeah! That's a good idea" and go take one.

Sometimes someone else telling you what you already know is just the push you need to actually do it. When Dr. Phil does it, he gets millions of nodding female heads and Goddess Oprah's loving approval. When regular men do it, they get torn a new one.

And then there are the times that people (not always women) will bitch and bitch and bitch about 10,000 different things. You can only say "Boy that sucks. I sympathize." so many times before you start to sound like a broken record and feel like you're doing absolutely no good. I mean obviously the sympathy isn't working because she's still bitching, right? So maybe I'll try something else. But what else can I do? I know! I'll try to help her with her problems! Uh oh. That just made it worse.

[jlzania]

You have my sympathy.
I'm married to a Mr. Fixit too.
Great guy, my best friend.
He just doesn't get that sometimes you just want some one to butch too.

[beagledave]

Scenario C:

jar: Damn my job sucks..I've had the most stressful day ever..my boss is a cretin.

mrjar: <crestfallen> So...ummmm <shuffling feet> I guess a hummer is outta da question?

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
Except I like to be hugged on by boys sometimes. Mr. Jar is big and cuddly and can fix a bad day just by HUGGING, rather than a to do list. That's my point.

Ok, let's get into a man's mind:
Woman: I have a headache.
Man's Mind: I must fix this or I won't get sex EVER.
Man's Mouth: Why not take an Advil? or better Let me get you an Advil.
Woman: Damn it, I don't want an Advil
Man's Mind: Duh, what the heck just happened.

How about another crack at that scenario.

Woman:I have a headache. I need a hug.
Man's Mind: I must fix this or I won't get sex EVER. I will give her a hug.
Man's Mouth: Come here, let me give you a hug.
Woman: Ah, that hits the spot.
Man's Mind: I'm so good!!!

Simple. If you know what you want, TELL him what you want. Whether it be a hug or just to hear you bitch, etc. Let him know so he won't give you want you don't want.

[SkipMagic]

Heh-heh. I do that to my SO, too. When she goes over the fun things that happen at work during the day, my mind is usually racing, trying to come up with ways for her "problems" to be fixed.

Thing is, it's hard to tell the times when she is venting (and not just her; this could be any person, man or woman) and when she actually wants to hear what I have to say. (Beyond the usual, "I feel your pain. Now strip!")

So, I pretty much just offer up my opinion regardless. (There are times, though, that she puts her stories in such a way that I know not to shed anything but sympathy.)

Maybe I do it because I've worked in support-type jobs for so long; maybe it's because, as she says, I'm a "Helpy-Helper"; maybe it's because being the "hero" of the moment use to get me laid so often back in college; maybe I just don't know when to quit (Nah!)--I dunno.

But give me a few, I can probably fix myself...

;)

[lno]

Nah, I just give the fuck up.

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by Fin_man

Simple. If you know what you want, TELL him what you want. Whether it be a hug or just to hear you bitch, etc. Let him know so he won't give you want you don't want. [/B]

I know, but it's frustrating sometimes to have to remind him:

HONEY, right now I'm just venting

or HONEY, here's where you just be quiet and hug me at the end.

I guess it's the girliness about me that I just would like him to KNOW when I want help and when I don't.

Does that make sense?

[3trew]

Once I accepted that men are stupid and women are crazy, I found that things like this are much easier to understand.

Of course, being a man and therefore stupid, I'm probably getting it wrong.

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
I guess it's the girliness about me that I just would like him to KNOW when I want help and when I don't.

Does that make sense?

It makes complete sense. But, as I have to repeatedly tell my wife - I don't read minds.

[Bottle of Smoke]

My wife has this same complaint about me.

I thought all women knew about this whole "men are hard-wired to offer solutions vs participate in a mutual sharing of feelings" thing.

I mean, you all watch Oprah, right? I mean, you're like, required to, or something? And that Mars/Venus dude was on Oprah or something chick-oriented like that, wasn't he? Or maybe that one woman who wrote that You Just Don't Understand book or something like that. She was probably on there at one time or another.

Anyway, these people said that women like to air complaints because they want to talk about it, share feelings, etc. Men don't do this with each other. If a man complains about something to another man, it is obvious to us (the other men) that they are looking for a solution to a problem. Or else, ya know -- why bring it up?

So when women bring up things like this, we (the men) respond the way we are wired to and say things like "Well, all you have to do is yadda yaadaa blah blah blah. I'm surprised you didn't think of that yourself. Silly woman."

And then, having sucessfully avoided The Sharing, we can go back to the Not Listening and the Staring at Boobs on TV.

[The Green Feather]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
I know, but it's frustrating sometimes to have to remind him:

HONEY, right now I'm just venting

or HONEY, here's where you just be quiet and hug me at the end.

I guess it's the girliness about me that I just would like him to KNOW when I want help and when I don't.

Does that make sense?

Oh, sure, it makes sense. It just isn't possible.

If I offer sympathy, you want an Advil. If I offer an Advil, you want sympathy. And you are already in a bad mood, I'm just making it worse. I wish you would just say nothing and smack me upside the head. I gain the same amount of wisdom and insite either way and it saves time.

Just to make this perfectly clear: I can't read your mind.

[beagledave]

In all seriousness..I've tried to do a bit better job with mrs beagle on this. In these kinds of situations..I usually respond with some sort of hug or footrub, and say "what can I do to help you"? A lot of times, she'll say.."nothing..what you're doing now helps" and sometimes she'll say, "watch Maeve for awhile" etc..

So far it seems to be an improvement. FWIW

[porcupine]

99% of the time, I'm bitchin' to vent, not because I want advice on how to fix anything. The SO and I talked about this very early on, so he understood pretty from much day one that the process of venting makes me feel better, and that if I want advice or help, I'll ask for it. This includes "help" on really mundane things like asking for glass of water when I have a migraine and getting up to get it myself just makes my head pound.

And it took me years, but I finally got my mother to understand that venting makes me feel better, not worse.

[SkipMagic]

Originally posted by porcupine
And it took me years, but I finally got my mother to understand that venting makes me feel better, not worse.

Yer own mum doesn't understand you (or, didn't) and yet you want us to pull a relationshipal John Edward?

Oy! :)

[Bricker]

I'm in the heartless camp: that is, if you're complaining and don't want a solution, too bad for you. If you complain and want a solution, I'm happy to help. But I don't understand how merely complaining makes things better.

[beagledave]

Originally posted by Bricker
I'm in the heartless camp: that is, if you're complaining and don't want a solution, too bad for you. If you complain and want a solution, I'm happy to help. But I don't understand how merely complaining makes things better.


One entry found for catharsis.


Main Entry: ca·thar·sis
Pronunciation: k&-'thär-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
Date: circa 1775
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression


;)

[Scylla]

While this all sounds simple and reasonable the fact is that it all a bunch of damnable lies.

This "I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to commiserate." is pretty much the classic female fallacy. It is the primary tool by which the female of our species maintains control of her man. The constant disinformation keeps the man confused and chastened and off balance. He remains in subservient mode until ultimately his mate completely subsumes his will and he is reduced to the status of automaton.

Having been married for ten years, I have proof.

For many years this tactic worked fine against me. However, when my wife became pregnant it was obvious what was going. Hormones had caused her to go too far. The jig was up and I saw through this transparent tactic.

Pregnant wife: "I'm really hungry for some strawberry ice cream. I really want some."

Me: "Great! I will run to the store and get you some!"

Pregnant wife: "Why do you always do that?"

Me: "What? What did I do? I'm sorry."

Pregnant wife: "Why do you always have to try to fix everything? Why can't you just listen? Why can't you just commiserate? I didn't ask you to get ice cream? If I wanted you to get ice cream, I would have told you to get ice cream. All I wanted was for you to understand my feeling concerning this craving for ice cream. I just wanted to talk to you about it. Why can't you just talk to me? Why do you always have to do something about everything."

Me: "I'm sorry. I'll do better. (pause) I hear what you are saying about this craving for ice cream. I understand. I often get cravings, myself."

Pregnant Wife: "Oh yeah, sure. Like you have any idea what it's like to pregnant! You did this to me! Why do you always have to act like you know something about everything!"

Me: "I'm sorry."


Ten minutes later my wife goes to the bathroom for the 500th time that day.

Pregnant Wife: "There's no toilet paper in this bathroom."

Me: "I'm very sorry to hear that. That must be awful."

Pregant Wife: "Well don't just sit there. Do something about it! Get me toilet paper. What are you waiting for, you idiot!"


***

So I laugh bitterly at this rant. I see through it. Women don't want us to not fix things and simply commiserate. If we do, they will yell at us for not fixing things.

What women want, quite simply, is to complain about men. They are going to do it no matter what we do. It's a perfect catch-22.

[scout1222]

Preach it, jar.

Yeah, I read Mars & Venus. That don't mean I'm happy with it.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by neutron star
So then you're bitching at men because they don't want to see you suffer and try to help you out. Nice.



And men don't want you to bitch about those things - they want you to be happy - so they try to offer solutions. Your response to that generousity seems to consist entirely of bitching even louder.

You'd rather bitch about a headache than take an Advil. I mean WTF is that shit?

Whew, talk about in one ear and out the other.

You must have a teflon brain Neutron.

I don't think I've seen very many people so COMPLETELY miss the point of an OP before.

But, just to help you out. And to agree with the OP..............

Yes, we REALIZE that guys (Those guys in the specific group who exhibit the specific behaviour and not ALL guys, as OP already made a disclaimer), are trying to help by offering a solution to what they see as our "problem".

Here is what might help you, NS, to see the point................

Guys (only those of you that exhibit behaviour discussed in the OP), listening and commiserating with us IS the fixit or solution to our "problem".

Many times when we are bitching "THIS SUCKS"!!! We're looking for hugs, kisses and a simple "yeah, it DOES SUCK honey".

And THAT is the "fixit".

Thanks.

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by Scylla

What women want, quite simply, is to complain about men. They are going to do it no matter what we do.

Haw haw haw, I never grow tired of your misogynist humor...no wait... I do. Every day.

Folks who know me know that man bashing is on my short list of absolute hates...and in an effort to keep men from being frustrated with women and our position I just wanted to provide an explanation that, like beagledave suggested, all you have to do is say:

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

the answer may be "get me ice cream"

The answer may also be 'just leave me alone for a few minutes'

In short If you're so put off by having to translate what your wife of ten years is trying to tell you, ask first...act second.

[Scylla]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
all you have to do is say:

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

the answer may be "get me ice cream"

The answer may also be 'just leave me alone for a few minutes'

In short If you're so put off by having to translate what your wife of ten years is trying to tell you, ask first...act second.

I didn't ask for a solution, Jarbaby. I just wanted to share my frustration. I don't know why you felt the need to offer me advice on how to solve my problem.

Why couldn't you just commiserate?

All I wanted you to say was "Yeah Scylla, that sucks. Let's go get a beer," a little sympathy, but noooooo.....

Women.





I think that's checkmate

;)

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
In short If you're so put off by having to translate what your wife of ten years is trying to tell you, ask first...act second.

But is she trying to tell him or is she just assuming he knows??

While I think men and women will forever disagree, I think that the woman should - tell first..complain second. In other words, if you know you don't want fixing, start of by saying you just want to complain. If you are going to want fixing, let him know you need help.

Sure, in a perfect world, each person would know what the other wants but that's not going to happen. But maybe we can agree that the onus should be shared. Sometimes, the woman should say what she wants before complaining (so the man knows what do to) and sometimes the man should ask what the women wants before he tries to solve it. Either way, remember, the man is just trying to help and shouldn't get his head bitten off - IMHO.

[Scylla]

Haw haw haw, I never grow tired of your misogynist humor...no wait... I do. Every day.

I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by Scylla
I didn't ask for a solution, Jarbaby. I just wanted to share my frustration. I don't know why you felt the need to offer me advice on how to solve my problem.



I didn't offer a solution. Rather I was proving your fucking "women are crazy" manifesto to be wrong. You presented situations that I DO NOT believe occured to fit your hilarious punchline that all women do is bitch about men.


I think that's checkmate

;)

Whatever. I don't play chess. I'm just a girl. :rolleyes:

[Binarydrone]

Originally posted by jlzania
<snip>He just doesn't get that sometimes you just want some one to butch too.
Bolding courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Binarydrone
Where or where is the eyebrow waggling emotocon!?

[EasyPhil]

What's wrong with saying, "No, I'm not looking for help, I'm just venting", when offered help when you don't want it?

Personally, I don't offer solutions during those types of conversations unless specifically asked help. If you have a man that's doing that, and you don't like it, it's probably time to have a conversation about it so that you can fix it.

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by Fin_man
I think that the woman should - tell first..complain second.

We are in complete agreement here. I have been married for eight years. How many more times am I going to have to tell Mr. Jar and my best friend of four years not to do this before they stop? Just curious.

Either way, remember, the man is just trying to help and shouldn't get his head bitten off - IMHO. [/B]

Your assumption is a bit offputting. I'm always very polite in telling my husband or friends "I don't need your help fixing this right now, I just need you to listen."

I RANT on a messageboard to express those headbiting feelings.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by Fin_man
Ok, let's get into a man's mind:
Woman: I have a headache.
Man's Mind: I must fix this or I won't get sex EVER.
Man's Mouth: Why not take an Advil? or better Let me get you an Advil.
Woman: Damn it, I don't want an Advil
Man's Mind: Duh, what the heck just happened.

How about another crack at that scenario.

Woman:I have a headache. I need a hug.
Man's Mind: I must fix this or I won't get sex EVER. I will give her a hug.
Man's Mouth: Come here, let me give you a hug.
Woman: Ah, that hits the spot.
Man's Mind: I'm so good!!!

Simple. If you know what you want, TELL him what you want. Whether it be a hug or just to hear you bitch, etc. Let him know so he won't give you want you don't want.

Oh COME ON!!! Some of you guys are getting so hung up on the "if she has a headache, why doesn't she just take an advil, or if she wants a hug/commiseration, why doesn't she just SAY so" thing that you are completely (and seemingly purposely) missing the point. And she spelled out VERY clearly the point of her post, the headache thing was merely an example.

I am the only female in a company with 7 men in our home office and several others in "field offices".

I know DAMN well after listening to these guys for the better part of two years that guys DO know very well how to say "yeah, that DOES suck" and show sympathy when someone starts to complain about something. And all without having to be told "hey, I'm just bitchin' here".

Especially when it's something like the OTHER examples (stupid email attachments etc) that everyone bitches about.

[Scylla]

Jar:

Sincerely, I do apologize. I was not trying to ridicule you, or attack women in general. I thought I was being obviously facetious.

My minor point beneath the facetiousness is that I have observed that sometimes some women do pick fights in this manner

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
Your assumption is a bit offputting. I'm always very polite in telling my husband or friends "I don't need your help fixing this right now, I just need you to listen."

I RANT on a messageboard to express those headbiting feelings.
Then I sincerely apologize. I assumed, incorrectly, that you ranted to Mr. Jar etal.

No offense I hope. :)

[Harli]

Looks like I'm somewhere in the middle on this one.

Personally (just what I do, not saying it's better than what anyone else does), I complain as little as possible. If I have a complaint about something that I can fix, I shut up and fix it. If I have a complaint about something I cannot fix, I might express my opinion, and then I'll shut up and accept it.

But there are times when I gush to the SO all my silly little complaints. He's generally pretty good at knowing when to offer advice vs. when to offer comfort. And if he offers advice when I want the other, I just say to him "Just hug me" and if he continues talking, then I kiss him to shut him up! Works beautifully ;)

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by CanvasShoes
Oh COME ON!!! Some of you guys are getting so hung up on the "if she has a headache, why doesn't she just take an advil, or if she wants a hug/commiseration, why doesn't she just SAY so" thing that you are completely (and seemingly purposely) missing the point. And she spelled out VERY clearly the point of her post, the headache thing was merely an example.

Yes, it was an example. I hope you didn't think I could give an insight into a man's mind over every single issue that could arise??? It was also an example - an example using the same scenario.

[DeskMonkey]

I don't have a Mr. Fixit, instead I've got me a Mr. MeToo! If I complain about a headache, my beloved replies not with a soothing touch nor an offer of non-narcotic medication. No. I get "Hey! So do I! It's been killing me all day, you can't even imagine!" If I call him to whine about my crappy day, guess who's already having the King of all Crappy Days? You guessed it! The only thing he doesn't get are menstrual cramps. But when talk of it comes up, he says something demure like "Hey baby, I've got something in my pants that'll fix those cramps right up. heh heh."

And how do I respond? I volley with a solution to the complaint he responds with so I don't have to hear him complain any more. "There's Alieve in the bathroom, that should fix it right up, honey." "I think you should just quit that awful job, pumpkin." "If you don't want me to rip it off, you'll keep it in your pants, pooky."

This passive aggressive ping-pong we play is just our little way of saying to one another "Quit yer bitchin', dear."

If I really want to get my whine on, I call up my best girlfriend.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by Fin_man
Yes, it was an example. I hope you didn't think I could give an insight into a man's mind over every single issue that could arise??? It was also an example - an example using the same scenario.
Yes, I know, sorry, I should have put a disclaimer. That was disbelief/exasperation attitude, not biting off heads attitude:D

But, I forgot to also add that the OP DID say "sometimes". And she was very careful to add a disclaimer saying in effect "of course I realize not every man does this every time".

But having spent the last 20something years in the workaday world, mostly in male dominated businesses. I know that this whole "I can't understand women, they want too much and what they want is too confusing" thing is really kind of a bunch of horse puckey.

I've seen too many guys over the years communicating in almost exactly the same way with each other, that women wish they'd communicate with us. And GOSSIP? Holy Cow!

Funny, I remember one company I worked for in the 80s, about 80 men, and 2 women. And almost all of the men would gossip to us and talk about kids, marriage, their girlfriends, their lives, the whole 9 yards, almost the same way our female friends would.

Sorry, slight hijack here, but what gives with that? The men (like the ones I've worked with) feel freer to "share" with mere friends and coworkers? But not their wives/girlfriends?

Just curious.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

It's not just bullshit. It's an observed conversation difference between men and women. Not all women, not all men, of course. It pains me that I even have to add that caveat on this board.

I haven't read the mars/venus books (already cited once here), but Deborah Tannen writes about it in her books.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

My apologies to Bottle of Smoke, who I see on closer reading did indeed cite Deborah Tannen's book already.

[Kalhoun]

My husband tries to fix EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN with...an aspirin. His response is ALWAYS, "take an aspirin."

My throat is sore and my eyes are runny and I'm gonna puke.
"Take an aspirin"

There's a huge boulder in the garden and I can't move it.
"Take an aspirin"

It's actually kind of funny.

[CanvasShoes]

In men's defense, my boyfriend is one of those who WILL say "damn, THAT sucks"!! when I complain. He will frequently try to help too.

Sometimes though, he gets this "we're gonna fix it now" thing going on, when I wasn't at ALL planning to "fix" whatever it was I was talking about, NOW!

Usually he will do that, not when I'm complaining, but when I offhandedly say sometthing like "oh, yeah, that thing, I have to do such and such to it" and generally it's something that doesn't need to be fixed THIS INSTANT, but suddenly it's the project of the day!

MEN! :D

[GKW]

I used to call my Mom and vent to her about my day and she would commiserate with me. It made me feel better. After she died, I tried this once with my Dad - big mistake! He, like a lot of men, tried offering all kinds of solutions that I really didn't want to hear. In addition he got really upset because he was so far away and couldn't act on anything.

It made me realize that often this kind of behavior can be selfish and destructive. I've since put a lid on useless bitching to men and vent with my sisters or girl friends.

Eddy pretty much understands that if I want help I'll ask for it. I'm 90% sure that when I start yaking about the rude man at the carwash, he's switched to auto pilot and has tuned me out as he nods and makes the appropriate facial grimaces and grunts :)

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by CrankyAsAnOldMan
..................Not all women, not all men, of course. It pains me that I even have to add that caveat on this board.
:) Um, you didn't "have" to add that, the OP already did, and a few other people already added that disclaimer to their posts as well.

[Fuji Kitakyusho]

So... you complain about having a headache, but you don't want to take an Advil... but you keep complaining... and now I need one...

?

[tiny ham]

Read the fucking OP Fuji, and the thirty posts following it....I know to take advil...guess what...sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes I've already taken an advil and in the interim I feel like saying "man my head is killing me" is that off limits?

Jesus.

[porcupine]

I worked with a guy once who was alway telling me how busy he was. He would stop by my office to tell me how busy he was. He was never too busy to stop by and tell me how busy he was. One day he stopped by to tell me he had a headache. I offered him a Tylenol. He told me he was didn't have time to take it.

[Sauron]

The answer to this whole thing is simple: more cowbell!

I've ranted about communication issues between Mrs. Sauron and myself in other threads, but on this issue we've gotten pretty good. I've learned to listen and try to sympathize when she's complaining about work, or the kids, or whatever. She's learned to ask for my advice if she specifically wants it.

Granted, it's very difficult to bite my tongue when she complains at least weekly about the same frustrating habits of her co-workers, but I'm getting there.

[Scylla]

Oh, and thank you for your gracious acceptance of my apology.

[tiny ham]

Oh for heaven's sake, Scylla.

Thank you master, for your gracious apology.

[neutron star]

Originally posted by CanvasShoes
Here is what might help you, NS, to see the point................

Guys (only those of you that exhibit behaviour discussed in the OP), listening and commiserating with us IS the fixit or solution to our "problem".

Many times when we are bitching "THIS SUCKS"!!! We're looking for hugs, kisses and a simple "yeah, it DOES SUCK honey".

And THAT is the "fixit".


I understand that and I'll thank you not to refer to my brain as a product of DuPont.

The problem is that often women don't make it clear whether they want a solution to their problem or commiseration. We're just supposed to "know." Well, sometimes we're not capable of that. Sorry. Mars/Venus, y'know. Most of us try to compensate for the differences and be more in-tune with women's brains. Some guys are better at this than others. Some guys refuse to even try and end up giving all of us a bad name.

But if it's obvious the man is trying to make the woman happy and everything he's doing is in good faith, she doesn't have much room to bitch. This is a two way street, and she should make an effort to adapt to the way his brain works in the same way that he's obviously trying to do (but failing) for her.

[Caught@Work]

My wife and I now have an agreement (after suffering exactly the same issues).

When I feel she is getting into 'just listen to me' territory, I straight out ask her if she wants advice / solution or me to listen and then she'll tell me.

It solves the problem of me trying to solve her problem when all she want is a good listening to.

[Scylla]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
Oh for heaven's sake, Scylla.

Thank you master, for your gracious apology.


Your very welcome.


So ummm... Do you want to know what I'm wearing?