Previous boyfriend abused her - why was she concerned about telling me?

[ski]

Okay, someone needs to explain female psychology to me. Or maybe explain why my version of male psychology is wrong.

So I met this girl. I come to find out that her last boyfriend punched her in the face a few times, after which she promptly never saw him again (way to go I say - too many women stay in abusive relationships and I've never understood it). Needless to say, this kind of affected her view of men for a while, so of course I will proceed carefully, but we seem to be hitting it off just fine so far.

Well, she went on to say that she was very embarrassed to have told me about the incident, and really hoped that it wouldn't scare me off.

This is what I don't understand. Why would she think that an abusive boyfriend's actions toward her would cause me to become less interested? I mean, she doesn't have any bruises or anything (this happened a while ago). Actually, it had the opposite effect - she now seems much more attractive since she made the right decision, to leave the guy and not put up with his crap. Confidence is sexy.

Am I missing something obvious? Can someone help explain this facet of female psychology to me? She was very concerned about revealing this information to me, but I'm glad she did.

[Contrary]

Abuse victims often feel ashamed for having been in the situation to begin with.

No it's not necessarily logical.

[tanookie]

Also the abusers tend to tell the victim that no one will want/love them if they find out what a bad person she was to have deserved such treatment. (Abusers tend to think the victim deserves what happens ... the "if she'd only listen" mindset.)

Schmuck boyfriend probably filled her head with a lot of emotional crap long before he punched her.

It is not female psychology... more likely abusive psychology.

[lachesis]

possibly the phrase "punched in the face a few times" [emphasis mine]. possibly she's embarassed that it had to happen more than once before she beat feet.

conversely, she just might be embarassed to admit that she managed to hook up with such a loser without picking up "signs" that he was a flaming jerk (until such signs were delivered physically).

[on Preview]
but Contrary and tanookie probably have the right of it. whether i stuck around for years or slammed the door the first time someone even threatened to raise his hand to me, i wouldn't necessarily be proud to admit being with that turkey.

[Contrary]

I feel ashamed of having stuck with a complete loser for the better part of three years -- and he never hit me. He was just a complete sh!t.

[Otto]

Two words: damaged goods.

I have a friend who was raped and another who had an abortion. Neither of them talk about it and the reason they don't is because they don't want to have other people's perceptions of them colored by these incidents. And really it's not anyone's business anyway.

[Count Blucher]

Ski, I'm an Old Man. But why didn't you just kiss her & hold her & make her feel Loved? If you're still seeing her, its still not too late.






"Youth! Its Wasted on the Wrong People....."

[tanookie]

Very true otto... I know I was pretty ashamed about what happened to me (my father molested/raped me for my entire childhood) and thought for sure my husband would never marry me if he found out. But I couldn't not tell him as I felt it would be a glaring rift between us and telling him also helped him understand why I flake out sometimes over relatively stupid things!

So Ski take this incredible leap of trust she's given you and follow quietman's advice :)

[ski]

Originally posted by tanookie
So Ski take this incredible leap of trust she's given you and follow quietman's advice :)

Ah but I did take quietman's advice. Just didn't include it in in my OP since it didn't seem salient to the discussion.

lachesis, the "few times" actually all happened at the same time, meaning it wasn't just one punch, but several in a row. She must have been pretty battered up. But as I said before, it makes her more attractive in my eyes for leaving. And now (after reading the replies so far) for having the courage to admit to the events.

[scout1222]

She's probably afraid that you'd think "Great, a chick with issues."

She's presumably got some emotional baggage to work through, and early in a relationship it's not a given that the new beau will want to put up with that. It could just be a warning to you that she might be a little fragile for a while.

[handy]

I get this a lot. I think of it as a compliment actually, in that the woman feels comfortable enough to discuss it with me. I seem to have that effect alot.

[lachesis]

heh. good thing i was just postulating, then.

seriously, though -- think about it. would you go right off the bat telling new buddies or potential girlfriends how you got your ass kicked at some time or other? assuming it wasn't a really killer funny story?

most people tend to bring up personal beat-downs only if they feel comfortable telling the other party, or if they see some instructive value in bringing it up. other than that, it really doesn't tend to cast you in a flattering light.

[Breezy]

Abusive relationships make people behave strangely.

My best friend hated my boyfriend (the abusive one), so she set me up with her brother, who I'd had a crush on for years. Keep in mind she knew my bf was a jerk, but didn't really know he was abusive.

Anyway, I decided to go on a date with her brother, and see what it was like. We hit it off so well. I told him about the current bf, and how he was abusive and everything the very first night. I hadn't even told his sister, my best friend, about it.

Anyway, things worked out. I dumped the jerk, and I'm married to the nice guy now. :)

The point of that is that it was embarassing for me to tell my best friend about, and easier for me to tell some one I barely knew.

I think it was embarassing for me, because I thought I was smarter than to go out with/ and stick around with a complete jerk like that.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. Might give a little in sight, though.

[Pandora]

As yet another person who's been down that road, maybe I can offer some possibilities

1) If the guy who hit her was her last boyfriend, she's never had to tell a perspective boyfriend this little piece of her past before. She still new to this, and it's unknown territory. I'm a little nervous and embrassed when I tell anyone a piece of information and I'm not sure how it will be taken.

2) It's a pretty good chance that if he hit her, their relationship was abusive on a physcological level as well. Even if she left the first time he got physical, she may still be ashamed that she stayed long enough for it to go that far. There is still a tendency to blame the victim (and often no one blames the victim more then the victim her/himself)

Obviously, she's interested in you, and she trusts you. These are major major points in your favor, and the trust speaks very well of the person you must be IRL. Don't take her nervousness or embarassment as a reflection on you. It's not. Be honest, understanding, and supportive (And it's sounds as if you've been all three). But also be aware that this past experience may color her reactions to you. (especially when it comes to the first time the two of you have a fight) don't take it personally. It's just instinct (It sounds as if she got out early, so you may not have it too bad in this department)


Kudos to you for being one of the "good guys". It really impresses me that you care enough to want to understand her reactions. My e-mail's in my profile, if I can help.

-Pandora
(who's gearing up to have the "you need to know this" conversation with her current interest)

[Sengkelat]

Everything folks have said sounds pretty on-target.

Additionally, if it were a coward like myself dating her, I might be a little nervous about her violent ex show up and decide to beat my ass. I doubt that's the reason, but it might figure in as well.

[plain_jane]

Not that I think that applies in the OP's particular situation. Just in general, and I'm speaking from my own personal experiences here:

Another reason is this--say we're still getting to know one another. We've been dating, but for less than six months or so. If I tell you, yeah, I was in an abusive relationship... if you're secretly abusive, that would give you a "green light" (as far as you see it) to treat me as you please. You know, I'm telling you I've been vulnerable to abusive relationships in the past, and that I've accepted abusive partners and put up with it before. An abusive guy who's still got his "nice mask" on will think I'm an easier target if I tell him that.

[Blalron]

This is what I don't understand. Why would she think that an abusive boyfriend's actions toward her would cause me to become less interested? I mean, she doesn't have any bruises or anything (this happened a while ago). Actually, it had the opposite effect - she now seems much more attractive since she made the right decision, to leave the guy and not put up with his crap. Confidence is sexy.

Maybe I've been burned too many times, but if I were told that I'd figure with my luck she would run back into the arms of her abusive boyfriend the day after he gets out of prison. :smack:

[Dunderman]

Originally posted by ski
Well, she went on to say that she was very embarrassed to have told me about the incident, and really hoped that it wouldn't scare me off.

This is what I don't understand. Why would she think that an abusive boyfriend's actions toward her would cause me to become less interested?
It's not female psychology. Victims of all kinds of abuse; rape, battery, robbery, name-calling, whatever, tend to blame themselves and/or feel ashamed of it. Don't ask me to explain it, but that's what's going on here.

[Dangerosa]

Originally posted by scout1222
She's probably afraid that you'd think "Great, a chick with issues."



Dingdingdingdingding....winner!

At least from my personal point of view.

I'm not ashamed of having been raped. It did concern me to tell boyfriends (and even friends) because many people do "blame the victim" or don't want "damaged goods" or a "girl with issues."

Also, admiting bad things have happened to you opens you up for people asking really intrusive questions. I don't want to talk about it, I just want you to know it happened, so you don't discover later and think I'm hiding something. And because sometimes it does kind of back up and come back out and if you are a big part of my life you have to know what is going on. But say "my last boyfriend hit me" or "I was raped" and someone starts asking "why?" "Didn't you see it coming?" "Didn't you turn him into the cops?" etc. Instead of saying "boy, that sucks. He must have been a real bastard." Or they want to "fix" you or the situation. I needed to do my own healing - a boyfriend or friend couldn't be responsible for it and wasn't going to "fix" me or the situation. I don't want to be treated differently because I was raped. I just want you to realize that its part of me. Not a big part, but there, so you don't feel betrayed if you find out later.

Or, they decide to "comfort" you with "oh, that isn't too bad, my cousin was murdered by her ex."

[Eva Luna]

I actually made a somewhat analogous revelation recently to a guy I’ve been sort of on-and-off involved with; it didn’t involve a recent ex, but it did involve repeated incidents of violence directed at me in the long-ago past. Here’s my take on it:

I see it partly as what other people have mentioned (a somewhat coded warning that she may be a bit fragile, and so if she acts a little jumpy here and there, there’s a logical explanation). But I also see it as an opening-up, revealing something about herself that some misguided guys might see as a negative (that she’s been an abuse victim). She might be testing you to see how you react to this revelation (do you look disgusted, or do you offer to give her a hug?). Or by revealing something intimate, which is painful to her, she might be showing you that she trusts you to lend an ear when it’s appropriate. Either way, I see it as a sign she’s feeling you out, to see if and/or how quickly she wants your relationship to progress.

[astro]

Originally posted by Eva Luna
I quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by scout1222
She's probably afraid that you'd think "Great, a chick with issues."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dingdingdingdingding....winner!

At least from my personal point of view..

Per Scout 1222 and Eva Luna this is (IMO) the most correct answer.

In all honesty I've seen enough of relationships that if someone revealed to me that they had been physically assualted in a previous relationship and they were sort of wary about physical contact and/or emotionally fragile, I would sort of restrain myself with any sort of physically assertiveness in terms of playful roughhousing or asssertive sexual iovertures that might be taken the wrong way.

With respect to impact on a relationship it really depends on how the relationship develops over time. If the person who was assaulted stays in high fear mode and is flinchy about any kind robust physical expression, I don't know if that relationship could work over the long run. If someone is potentially going to freak out when you're both horsing around, men might (with some degree of justification) be cautious about initiating a relationship with an emotionallly fragile person, unless that''s something they are willing to take into consideration (and many are) by modifying their behavior over the long run to accomodate whatever long term fears might exist.

[DougC]

- - - I would lose her ASAP. As I see it, she is trying to make the issues of her past the issues of your present.
~

[Lobelia Overhill]

I've been verbally abused by my mother my entire life and I've never had a "proper" relationship with a guy because I can't get passed the idea that if my own mother doesn't like me, why will this guy ... ?
I know I have issues and therefore I chose a single life rather than try to find an understanding man who'd let me "be me" instead of being the perfect partner ...

[elfbabe]

Originally posted by DougC
- - - I would lose her ASAP. As I see it, she is trying to make the issues of her past the issues of your present.
~

Uh, what? So she SHOULDN'T have told ski about this issue that she's clearly still affected by? How would that have made anything any better?

[DougC]

Uh, what? So she SHOULDN'T have told ski about this issue that she's clearly still affected by? How would that have made anything any better?
- - - It wouldn't have made anything better, but that's not the point. From what I have seen and heard, when a woman does this, it's either because she wants/expects the new guy to do the same, or she wants the new guy to forever apologize for something he didn't have anything to do with. -Assuming the OP isn't the type to smack a girl around, then it's a lose/lose situation (there are women who expect this treatment, and guys who expect to do it--different strokes as they say).
~

[Eva Luna]

DougC, your POV is really depressing. It sounds to me like you are saying that nobody can ever change and learn not to put up with crap from people anymore. Geez, aren't people allowed to make mistakes, and then learn from them? I sure learned from the schmuck in question, who I dated in high school. He was abusive, both physically and emotionally; I was young and stupid, and I put up with it then, but I've since learned to recognize abuse for what it is and I sure won't put up with that crap anymore.

So basically, you are saying that people in my situation will never be able to have a decent, stable relationship with a guy who is not abusive? Am I understanding you correctly? This poor woman is trying to put this crap behind her, and she is trying to be honest with someone she is growing close to, and you're basically telling him to ditch her because she's "damaged goods"? I'd love to meet some of the perfect people in your world; you know, the ones who have no emotional baggage of any kind. They must be fascinating.

[tanookie]

Gee, dougc, and all I thought I wanted when I told my husband about the abuse I suffered was for my husband to understand why I pulled all contact from almost all of my family and why I had such horrible nightmares all the time and why I sometimes react poorly to certain sexual situations.

Glad you cleared things all up for me and let me know what I really wanted was for him to hurt me a bit more:rolleyes:

[Zebra]

ski

Have you told her about your own worst expierences? Have you told her about the time someone made you feel less then human?

I'm sure there is something in your past you haven't shared with her and I'm sure you have your reasons.

[DougC]

So basically, you are saying that people in my situation will never be able to have a decent, stable relationship with a guy who is not abusive?
- - - I mentioned two possibilities, strange that neither you or tanooki even mentioned the second one: "... or she wants the new guy to forever apologize for something he didn't have anything to do with."
...you're basically telling him to ditch her because she's "damaged goods"?
- No, I am saying to ditch her because she is basically saying that she is damaged goods.
~

[tanookie]

Sorry, dougc, I meant to add that to the bottom of my previous post as neither of your points made any sense to me... Why would I want an apology from someone who did me no harm?

I guess I should have joined a cloister or something as I am just "damaged goods"

[Eva Luna]

DougC, I guess I just have some sort of confidence that people who have survived abuse are, in fact, able to get past it, with the support and encouragement of people they care about and trust. You apparently don’t. I think if you are only willing to date people who have never had a bad relationship, then you are left basically with twelve-year-olds, or with other people who have never had a meaningful romantic relationship at all. Don’t you think this limits your options, and possibly rules out some really wonderful people who have just had an episode or two of bad luck?

I guess you are free not to date those who you consider “damaged goods,” but I sure hope you don’t manage to discourage those who are willing to put some effort into a relationship they feel is potentially quite worthwhile if they like the person enough.

I don’t think the woman in the OP wants the OP to “apologize,” she just wants him to understand her behavior and hopefully act accordingly, at least for the time being. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it sure does help. And even those of us with baggage do somehow mention not to lump all men into the same category with those who have treated us badly. Really, we do have the ability to see men as individuals.

[Eva Luna]

Oh and ski, if you read DougC’s posts you have the perfect answer for why the woman you’ve been dating was reluctant to talk about this issue with you. Some people just can’t deal with revelations of that nature. IMO, of course, people who can’t deal with revelations of this nature aren’t worthwhile to date, anyway.

[Violin D'Ingrate]

Originally posted by scout1222
She's probably afraid that you'd think "Great, a chick with issues."

She's presumably got some emotional baggage to work through, and early in a relationship it's not a given that the new beau will want to put up with that.

I would bet just about any amount of money that this is EXACTLY right. It is a widely held belief that guys don't want to deal with chicks who have been abused, used to be anorexic, were molested by their camp counselor, ran away a lot as a teenagers, etc. Even is she doesn't have any baggage, she might be assuming that you'll THINK she does. Who would you rather date, the girl who just got out of an abusive relationship, or the girl who has had only healthy relationships?

[handy]

" It is a widely held belief that guys don't want to deal with chicks who have been abused, used to be anorexic, were molested by their camp counselor, ran away a lot as a teenagers"

I like to deal with them.

[ski]

Wow. 33 responses ago I asked this question so I think it's about time to chime back in. I have been reading the comments with great interest, as I really want to try to understand this girl.

There does seem to be some occassional confusion though - I'm not asking why she would or would not want to tell me this information (it's her business, not mine). I'm asking why she thought that telling me would scare me away. But I've gotten lots of useful answers and insight toward that question as well, thanks.

One of the main reasons I think I had trouble understanding the psychology at work here was that I have NO significant emotional baggage, I've been lucky. Never any bad break-ups, women stalking me, abusive relationships, or anything like that. Maybe my relationships have been boring, I don't know. So it's new to me, and in some ways I may be a little naive when it comes to stuff like this (though I guess it's about time to learn, I am in my late 20's!)

To be honest, I find this girl's past (and I've heard more of it than I'm asking about in the OP, of course) just makes her more interesting, not less. I believe that we are all just a composite result of our life's experiences. I have gone out with mostly women who have had no real experiences, and to be honest, found them somewhat uninteresting (bland?) This girl seems different, which is why I'm endeavoring to find out more about her and why I asked the quetion in the first place - I want to understand.

Am I that strange?

Thanks all so far, you've given me a lot to think about. We've got a date tomorrow, it will be interesting to talk to her and be able to evaluate her responses with the insight I've gained above. Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes.

[handy]

So how was it?

BTW, did you ask her for the specifics on how they got into that argument where he hit her & what she did or didn't do that might have caused him to react as he did?

[ski]

Sorry it took so long to get back and report on the date!

It went very well, but it was interesting being able to evaluate her words and actions with the ideas presented by everyone who responded. It's strange - she seems to be perfectly comfortable telling me pretty much anything, but yet is quite obviously a little insecure in general about relationships and wants to be comforted. I can't quite figure it out yet but since we have a good time together I'll get more chances to understand her better.

She's told me some more strange things about herself (nothing serious like the abuse, but stuff that to some people might drive them away). In a way, it almost seems like she's testing me to see how many weird things she can tell me before she does drives me off! But it hasn't worked yet, mostly because I find her a lot of fun and fascinating too, and I appreciate her being honest with me. THAT's of key importance to me.

handy, I've decided to not actually ask her about the abusive relationship. If she wants to tell me more details, that's great, but I'm not going to pry, she'll have to volunteer it. I know it happened, I'm glad she told me, but she doesn't owe me any information about it. She'll tell me when she's ready, I'm sure.

Thanks to everyone who piped in, I appreciate it.