What does "Take it Slow" really mean?

[errata]

I don't want to get into the specifics of my situation other than I just met someone, we went out once, and that's what I heard after agreeing to meet again. I think the exact words were, "I want to take it slowly"

Now I'm wondering if it's some soft version of "Let's be friends" or if this person is really interested in taking it slowly. I will of course find out in due time, but I thought I'd come here first and poll you folks and see how you've used the phrase or had it used on you.

[Pablito]

This very thing just happened to me. In my case, she meant, "We'll go out one more time, but that'll be it because I don't see it working out long term, and since I don't want to hurt anyone and hate saying 'no' and have caller I.D. so I screen all my calls and won't answer the phone or respond to an email after our second date, you'll need to start looking somewhere else because this is the only signal I'll ever give you."

[errata]

Pablito,

Ouch!

Message to the ladies: Just say "No"!
It's kind of like pullling the band-aid off fast instead of slow.

I'm proceeding with caution, because I don't like reading too much into people's words. Still if something's entered the dating vernacular as "close enough", then it would be good to know.

[tomndebb]

It is entirely possible that the phrase was meant in the sense it was delivered to Pablito.

It is, of course, also possible, since we do not codify such expressions rigorously, that what the phrase meant was:
- no sex until we actually believe we share a romantic interest;
- no round-the-clock phone calls;
- no $50 floral displays (or other expensive gifts) as a "thank you" for what was, after all, a merely pleasant evening.

Upon hearing such a comment, I would not have walked away from such a date, in despair. On the other hand, I would probably have chosen to limit my requests for a date to once a week or fewer, keep the dates in neutral territories (a movie, not a camping trip), and refrained from gushy speech until the other party warmed up a bit more. There could be any number of reasons for a request to "go slow" that would do nothing to impair the relationship after the introductory period.
(Or, you might have run into Pablito's date's soulmate.)
(Opinions delivered in the subjunctive since I haven't had to deal with such issues in a bit over 20 years.)

[ArrMatey!]

It's never been a good sign for me, I'll just put it that way. Usually means exactly what Pablito said. Sorry, dude.

[merge]

It is tough to tell it could go either way...

She could either be saying.. lets take it slow because I am really not all that interested in a serious relationship..

or she may have meant that she really likes you and doesn't want to mess it up by rushing into something...

best way to tell would be to ask her.. but in a rude way or anything... just tell her how you feel, and see if she feels the same..

[Duke]

Pablito, lemme guess...you live in California, right? I had the same thing happen to me there, although I didn't even get the "let's take it slow line." (Come to think of it, this lady wasn't from Garden City, was she?)

[auntie em]

Well, I don't know if the OP is a male or a female, nor do I know if s/he's talking about a male or a female, but here's my (straight, female) perspective. This is a little bit of a personal sore spot for me, so forgive me if I wax a little bitter, but I have never seen the point of issuing the whole "Take things slowly" mandate before things have even started moving!

What the hell does "Take things slowly" mean, anyway? I mean, I know what it means on a "Don't try to get in my pants before the 5th date" level, or on a "Don't be checking out engagement rings after only two months" kind of basis...

But what does it MEAN, really? What, exactly, is the point of deciding *in advance* to "take things slowly" (and how is that measured, anyway?), except to give yourself an "I'm still trying to decide if I like you" out-clause? I guess I'm kind of opposed, on principle, to imposing such vague and arbitrary pseudo restrictions on a relationship before it even IS one.

I mean, what ever happened to crossing bridges when you come to them, to just seeing what's going to happen before you start trying to put on some sort of brakes? And if there is something that you feel you NEED to let the other person know up front, like that you plan to remain a virgin until you're married, hell, call a spade a spade and SAY that, instead of issuing some hazy "take things slowly" moratorium.

Otherwise, I say take things as they come; we are all (well, most of us, anyway) fundamentally imbued with the power to speak up if we become uncomfortable at any given moment with what's happening in a relationship (or if we simply decide we don't really dig that person anymore), right? And the truth is, anyone who has ANY sense of social boundaries knows not to show up naked, with a set of nipple clamps and a can of Cheez Whiz, for the first date...

I think it's a control issue. I mean, think about it--being the one to invoke the "take things slowly" rule puts you in the driver's seat, because the other person is just left waiting for cues from you as to how to proceed, and fearing that he or she will do something "wrong" and drive you away: Is it OK to call, when we just saw each other yesterday? Can I get a little tongue and a handful of ass with that goodnight kiss, or is that crossing the line? He or she might WANT you to meet his/her parents, but then is forced to think, "Wait, we're supposed to be taking things slowly... so is meeting the parents after seven weeks of dating too fast??" Then he/she gets all freaked out about breaking the "slowly" rule, and pretty soon you're off the hook for lunch with Carl and Betty at the Golden Corral, without even having to discuss it.

Those are my two cents. Feel free to take one or both of those Lincolns as pure bullshit.

[errata]

auntie em,

I hear you. That was kind of my thoughts only less bitter.

I mean, take WHAT slowly? I've only heard that phrase in the middle of a heated make-out session where the meaning is pretty clear.

If indeed we do meet again, I will certainly ask very nicely and sincerely what was really meant, but I'm still interested in hearing more perspectives in the meantime.

[auntie em]

Originally posted by errata
auntie em,

I hear you. That was kind of my thoughts only less bitter.

I'm sorry. That just made me laugh my ass off. :D

I did come across as rather bitter, didn't I? Really, I've only had the phrase used on me ONCE, by a guy who had some . . . rather questionable sexual fetishes, in my opinion (but, perhaps ironically, didn't seem interested in having any kind of sex with me).

Finally, I just gave up, because I had no idea what was going on; one night, he'd have his hand all up in my pants (and I mean in the drawers, going for the gold) in PUBLIC, and the next he'd be giving me some blather about "Taking Things Slowly" as he punted me out of his house after two hours of utter chastity.

It was all too confusing, so I walked away.

[mipiace]

Okay I am the Quenn of "Let's take things Slowly" I didn't get there by just automatically trying to dick people around which is where people seem to think that phrase comes from. Here is where it comes from for me.

To begine with, it generally means I am not committing to going out with one person. I don't know if I want to get exclusively involved until I know if you are are someone I'd want to be involved with exclusively; therefore that also means (as he will fine out if he chooses to stick around) there isn't going to be sex until I make up my mind about that.

I've met men who are perfectly rational and sane and laugh at my approach with this as if "well of course, is there any other way?" and i nearly fall for them instantly. Then there are those who think okay yeah whatever but if you don't put out after I buy you $28 worth of drinks surely you must be dick teasing me. Then there are the ones who think because we've talked on the phone or emailed a few times that we must be soul mates. Do you kind of get the reason for a fear of "going too fast" until you know it is someone you can be comfortable with?

It could be completely different with this person but that is what it is like for me.

[World Eater]

"Let's take it slowly" means either she never wants to see you again, or wants to be with you everyday for the rest of your lives.

What's so difficult to understand?

[Pablito]

Duke--I'm on the other coast, actually, Carolina. But thanks for your (and everyone else's) sympathy and commiserations nonetheless.
Based on the responses so far to the OP, I'm thinking this phrase needs to be added to the official dating handbook with an appropriately worded cautionary statement after it, something like, 'Although this phrase can be used and interpreted in a number of different ways, none of them are good. You're either going home with a case of blue balls (best case scenario) or the knowledge that this relationship will be ending before it ever really begins.'
Or something like that.
And I think auntie em is on to something with her interpretation about it being code for having control issues.

[mipiace]

Wow - THANKS! I'll keep that in mind! Thanks for telling me I have control issues!

[auntie em]

mipiace, I think that this situation is like any other--not everybody fits the description.

Your reasoning makes sense to me, and is completely understandable. But it sounds like you are invoking the TTS mandate in terms that are quite specific (unlike the type of thing about which the OP is complaining), so why not just say to the fella what you just said to us, if it comes to that, so that everything is clear?

And for the record, any person who expects sex in exchange for dinner, drinks or gifts absolutely should be told where to get off. (Unless that's what floats your boat, in which case, hey, more power to you, and be sure to order the lobster.)

Mind you, I don't see anything wrong with taking a relationship at a pace that's comfortable for you, but sometimes, when people start issuing mandates and ultimatums and so forth before much of anything has even happened, well . . . I do think it's a power play.

Sometimes.

That is all.

[mipiace]

You raise some good points. WHEW! I thought I had some bigger issues (not that I probabaly dont - it's just that wasn't one of the ones I had recognized - smile)

You are right, everything is is case specific and the best thing is probably just to talk to him/her and ask what was meant by the comment. Nothing replaces good old fashioned communication. And a great place to be in the beginning of a relationship is having an idea of what is expected.

[!ceQueen]

errata,

Here's my advice.
Do not call her or try to contact her anyhow, until she contacts you herself.

[Eva Luna]

Many good bits of advice here; it's hard to say what it means without knowing the person or the details of the situation. But let me throw one more into the mix, from my own bitter and personal experience.

Maybe she dived too fast into a relationship before (or multiple times), and it ended badly, and she thinks it might have had something to do with having gotten in too deep, too quickly, and she's trying to compensate.

You know, someday the moment may come when it makes sense to ask her yourself. We're all pretty much just shooting in the dark here.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by errata
I don't want to get into the specifics of my situation other than I just met someone, we went out once, and that's what I heard after agreeing to meet again. I think the exact words were, "I want to take it slowly"

Now I'm wondering if it's some soft version of "Let's be friends" or if this person is really interested in taking it slowly. I will of course find out in due time, but I thought I'd come here first and poll you folks and see how you've used the phrase or had it used on you.

Are you a man or a woman?

Lots of times it means "I want to get to know you without my judgment being all clouded with the distraction of lust, so I'm not sleeping with you right away, I'm looking for something real so don't think I'm going to be easy".

OR, I just got hurt and I'm going to be guarding my heart like crazy.

If a man says it to a woman? I'm not going to pretend that I'd really know, but I'm guessing that would be a case of "I just got hurt and am guarding my heart too".

But, (in my experience) it could also mean the opposite of my first example. "Don't get hooked on me, I just want casual sex".

[errata]

Thanks. I'm not looking for advice so much as polling folks to see what their experiences have been. No expectations of clairvoyance, just wanting to see if I was missing out on a common understanding.

It still seems like a strange line for a first date to me. Not that the feelings that inspired it are strange, but sometimes I think it's best not to say anything if you don't want to be specific. I don't know enough about her to read between the lines either.

For now, I've decided to take it at face value as cautious ambivalence instead of a veiled rejection.

I'm still into hearing anybody elses experiences with this line.

[FranticMad]

Go out a couple of times and talk about the weather. But someday, you have to find out what she meant by "go slow".
If you don't understand what she means, ask.
Keep asking questions until you understand.

By the way I'm a guy and I go slow. I like to spend two years getting to know someone (have intense conversations, run away for two months, then more meaningful conversations and some touching, then run away for 3 months, etc.), then two years having a "r.e.l.a.t.i.o.n.s.h.i.p.", then two years being friends. Then we break up officially. Maybe you can find a way to re-engineer the process to downsize the timeframe.

[FranticMad]

Consider another possibility (a real one in my experience):

She's thinking of doing your brains out, but wants you to acknowledge that she is Not A Slut.

Having established both respect and control, she will then have her way with you when you least expect it. And you will be grateful.

(No means no, but "go slow" could mean anything).

[Vlad Dracul]

Well, as a very straight-forward, no-crap sort of guy, my immediate response to being told "let's take things slow" would be "What the heck does that mean?"

You shouldn't HAVE to guess what she means! Just ask, and do it right on the spot.

[neuroman]

"Take it slow" was the yellow light. What comes after yellow? Red. Hope I'm wrong, but keep your expectations low on this one, errata. And Vlad might have hit the answer bang-on.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally posted by errata
Thanks. I'm not looking for advice so much as polling folks to see what their experiences have been. No expectations of clairvoyance, just wanting to see if I was missing out on a common understanding.

It still seems like a strange line for a first date to me. Not that the feelings that inspired it are strange, but sometimes I think it's best not to say anything if you don't want to be specific. I don't know enough about her to read between the lines either.

For now, I've decided to take it at face value as cautious ambivalence instead of a veiled rejection.

I'm still into hearing anybody elses experiences with this line.

Oh, okay, well as a woman I do say it. And what I mean by it is "I'm looking for love, so if you're in it for a one night stand, forget it".

So for me, I guess "slow" would mean slow to become sexually active.

[Devron]

not going fast.

[Devron]

or it could mean, that she wants to do everything really really slowly like talkig slowly and walking really slowly. But I think it depends on the person and the situation. People don't want to break hearts and make others feel bad. Maybe this is the only way?

[mipiace]

Originally posted by Devron
People don't want to break hearts and make others feel bad. Maybe this is the only way?

You know I think that is kind of an excellent point and what I think of when I say something like tht to a guy.

If I am saying it, it is because I either think he is going to want to rush into sex, or because I am worried about hurting him.

[Osip]

*sigh* I got that one today.
Mixed signals galore. Here is the back story.

Met her at a SCA event one saturday. when I went down to take part in the fencing tourney.
We talked afterwards and I got her number. I called her wednesday and we talked and laughed for 2 hours. (she lives 100 miles away)
Next sunday we talk again great conversation.
The following weekend Sunday was regional fencing practice, she dropped by we talked, she then invited me to her families farm for memorial day.
Memorial day I meet her family, everything goes great, even had a wrestling match in the living room (she instigated it)
The next weekend we go camping at an SCA event with her friend and her friends date, the two girls in one tent, Josh in another and I in the third. plus, a crap load of crazy SCA people.
At the event, She would seek out my hand and hold it, laugh at my jokes and smiled at me with those melt the knee caps look.
Saturday night I kissed her.. ok so I did the initial kissing, but what else am I supposed to do when she has been holing both my hands smiling at me like she does and standing close and slowly inching forward.
This past week, I talked to her briefly, she called me twice tuesday, then on wednesday I called her as I normally do.. she called back twice. Today she called again and dropped the taking it slow line.
Very mixed signals.
Your not alone in wondering what does "taking it slow" mean.
Had this thread not been here I would have started one.

Side notes.. the fact she want to remain a virgin until after she is married has come up and is not a problem with me. Truth be told, relationships are easier in the begining with out sex involved.
That and I do not have the raging hormones like I did in my younger days.

[Badtz Maru]

I'm currently dating a woman who is making me take it slow, and I'm loving it so far. In almost all of my relationships, I end up having sex with the person within a few days of meeting them. It's not that I particularly would have minded waiting, that's just the kind of girl I have been drawn to. This one is different, and I can see myself waiting a very long time for her.

[Giraffe]

I think "take it slow" is most of the time only referring to sex, i.e. code for "we're not having sex tonight or anytime in the immediate future, so don't call back if that's all you're looking for." It can also be used solely to pave the way for a brush-off, but I think that's less common.

[mipiace]

I waited a year and a half to have sex with the love of my life. We weren't dating all of that time. But when it was all said and done I was glad I got to know him before it all came about. It was worth it in the long run.

[FranticMad]

Now that I think about it, CanvasShoes, Giraffe, and mipiace have it right. It's usually a code to wait for sex. Perhaps you two had a good conversation, or had fun, or established some intimacy. These are good things.

Be ready for the worst, but don't assume it. She could be saying "I'm interested in you, so let's do this with intelligence."

[TVeblen]

Originally posted by FranticMad
Now that I think about it, CanvasShoes, Giraffe, and mipiace have it right. It's usually a code to wait for sex. Perhaps you two had a good conversation, or had fun, or established some intimacy. These are good things.

Be ready for the worst, but don't assume it. She could be saying "I'm interested in you, so let's do this with intelligence."

I think y'all have just about refined this sucker down. (Of course you could just ask her what she meant, just a shortcut too.) Sounds likely she was giving you a green light but posting a speed limit. "Let's have fun getting to know each other, take in the scenery, see what develops and suchlike stuff."

There's a lot to be said for it, btw. Falling WHOMP in love can be a rush but, man, the landings can be rough.

Veb