Affairs

[Sat on Cookie]

I know that there are about a million answers to this question but...

Why do people have affairs?

Ok, to be more specific, why do seemingly happy people have affairs?

Other than being slowly ground to death by my garbage disposal, I think my husband having an affair would be just, well...the worst. A friend of mine just told me that her husband had an affair about five years ago (they had been married for 3 years at the time). They are the cutest couple and seem genuinely happy. Still, he was traveling, sent a woman a drink at a bar, and pain five years later ensues. At present he is groveling.

There is a case in the news right now where the husband had affairs and everyone is shocked. (Of course, he's also accused of killing her and that's not really in the scope of this OP, but still..)

I remember touching on the subject w/my mother in law (we were talking about affairs and I said something like, I would just be devasted if Mr. Sat on Cookie did something like that) and her response was that Ohh...she didn't think he would ever do that. But then she said she was his mother, after all, so her opinion is biased. WTF?

But back to my friend. Her husband doesn't really remember why he pursued this woman in a bar. (And pursued her after that). How does a man risk his marriage and not really remember why? Were I to possibly risk my marriage by a single act, I think I would be giving myself PowerPoint presentations on the pros and cons and I would give it more than cursory thought. I just don't get it.

I have to say, I sense some kind of general consensus out there in the world that "men are men" and it scares the shit out of me. I devote love and effort and my being to my marriage and think I have a good one. Should I just be bracing for the day 6 years from now, or one year, or 13 years when I just found out he did this? Am I incredible naive to think there's a shot in hell that he won't do this?

[mipiace]

I don't think that is necessarily so. I think as many women as men have affairs. It seems to have more to do with individual people, values and the relationships they are in. I wouldn't worry too much about waiting for the shoe to fall. Cherish and nurture your marriage. That is an investment for both of you. Sometimes love is just blind faith. Sometimes you get knifed in the back - hopefully it won't ever happen.

[FranticMad]

I agree with miapiace.

You're worrying about something that has not happened, and may never happen. Have you discussed this issue, and how you feel about it, openly with your husband?

I wonder if there is anything going on in your relationship right now that is making you feel insecure. I'm guessing that there is something that you need to talk about with your husband, though I have no idea (obviously) what it is.

In other words, he hasn't done anything yet, so I have to ask what's going on inside you that needs to be communicated to him.

[Sat on Cookie]

Nothing is going on in my marriage right now that would make me insecure. I think that's exactly my point.

I realize that people have affairs for a myriad of reasons but one of the reasons seems to be no reason at all -- happily married, not looking to be divorced, sex is good at home. Of course, common sense would say, well, obviously everything wasn't that good at home but sometimes it is. I just don't get it and wonder if, in some situations, it's just inevitable.

[Giraffe]

Originally posted by Sat on Cookie
Were I to possibly risk my marriage by a single act, I think I would be giving myself PowerPoint presentations on the pros and cons and I would give it more than cursory thought.This is actually how many cheaters get caught -- they forget to delete the Powerpoint files.

[Manda JO]

I just don't get it and wonder if, in some situations, it's just inevitable.

I wouldn't say that affairs are inevitable, but it is true that this is something you have no control over. There isn't a single gosh darned thing you can do to make sure that you are never in the same positon as your friend: being in a relationship means risking both being hurt yourself and hurting someone you love. (and having an affair is just one of many ways that that can happen), and if that doesn't scare you a little bit, then you haven't really thought about it.

To be in love is to accept that it could always fall apart, to have children is to accept that they always might die, to go out in the world is to accept your own mortality. There isn't any solution to this, and it's the reason we have art, music, poetry, religion, science, and medicene. None of these things work, but all of these things help. If it's any comfort at all, your husband lives with the same risk.

I hope this doesn't sound cynical: I don't mean it to. And I don't mean for yu to stop pondering the questions you are pondering: they are good questions to ask, because it's always good to reflect on our relationships. Like the little creatures that hover arounda deep sea vent, we live a hairs-breadth from tragedy all the time, and most of life is finding a way not just to live in that margin, but to thrive in it.

[Blonde]

Sat on Cookie : Good subject. Interesting, I was just wondering a few days ago why I had never seen a thread related to this issue (since something like 80% of married couples have affairs, according to some studies).
I wish I could say otherwise, but in my opinion there are very few people who can be faithful in a marriage. This is not to say that the relationship can't be saved, or that one affair means it will be a chronic problem. I'd venture to say that men stray more than women, but not by much. As for why: that's a hard question! If you want the canned answer, I guess it's women have affairs because they crave attention, someone to make them feel desirable. For men, it's just the sex. However, I am willing to bet there's more complex reasons that those I've mentioned.

Great movie on this subject, by the way, is Unfaithful. If you haven't seen it, rent it now. Diane Ladd's scene on the train, coming back from her first encounter, is just amazing. I own the DVD, think I'm going to put it on right now!

[Vlad Dracul]

It's a matter of the strength of individual motivations at a given time. Remember that "Seinfeld" episode where Brain Jerry and Penis Jerry were fighting for control?

In certain situations, hornyness is going to end up overriding loyalty, or even loyalty AND common sense. It's no different from what happens to teenagers. Adults merely have a little more judgement than teens do, making us a little less likely to do dumb things.

Your friend's husband DOES remember his reason. He just isn't going to ADMIT what was actually going through his mind at the time: "I'm really horny, I can do this woman, and nobody will find out, so I'm not hurting anybody."

How to prevent it? Give him reasons not to have affairs. The nature of these reasons will vary from man to man.