The Perfect Man Advertisement

[zany280]

All right I'm new and everything but you guys seem witty enough to add to my list...feel free

The Perfect Man Ad

1. Tall and Handsome (dark or light it doesn't matter)
2. Intelligent (this means well read and well rounded. If you are smart and just never applied yourself you NEED NOT APPLY)
3. A sense of humor (this is the only mandatory requirement)
4. Classy (this not only includes refraining from the use of any bodily functions while in a public place, but also while in a private place ie. the bedroom)
5. Happy (Although the occational bad mood is acceptable the Depressed Artist Syndrome is not)
6. Phobia free (this includes but is not limited to ALL phobia's listed on the web page www.phobialist.com)
7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)\
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

Okay guys do your thing

[Satisfying Andy Licious]

Originally posted by zany280
All right I'm new and everything but you guys seem witty enough to add to my list...feel free

The Perfect Man Ad

1. Tall and Handsome (dark or light it doesn't matter)
If he's a physicist, it's very important whether it's light or dark matter.
2. Intelligent (this means well read and well rounded. If you are smart and just never applied yourself you NEED NOT APPLY)
So he's sposed to apply but not apply?
Chicks is so hard to figure.
3. A sense of humor (this is the only mandatory requirement)

A'course we got a sensa humor.
It helps us lots when women say they're drawn to "inner beauty."

4. Classy (this not only includes refraining from the use of any bodily functions while in a public place, but also while in a private place ie. the bedroom)
While we're at it, let's add the bathroom.
(I seem to remember Sylvia Plath having tormented thoughts that her boyfriend might pick his nose when alone in the bathroom.)
5. Happy (Although the occational bad mood is acceptable the Depressed Artist Syndrome is not)
6. Phobia free (this includes but is not limited to ALL phobia's listed on the web page www.phobialist.com)
It's considered bad form to run screaming from chicks who make lists.
7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)\[quote]
Check. No violent tendencies until she wants violent tendencies.
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

[quote]Okay guys do your thing
(my thing is not calling.)

[Doc Nickel]

I'm not sure I follow- are you merely looking for advice or addendums for your list (if so, I suggest at a minimum "has job" :D ) or is this an advertisement?

I'm not sure how the mods treat singles ads, you you might tread somewhat lightly.

However, I have a few moments...

1. Tall and Handsome

-How do you define "tall"? To Rhea Perlman, Danny DeVito is "tall". Are you looking for Wesley Snipes or Shaq?

2. Intelligent

-Again, are we looking for a Teller or a Von Neumann, or a John Stewart? The Dilbertesque brilliant engineer, the small-time lawyer?

For example, I have no college education, save for a few vocational classes. However, I own my own business, I've developed and marketed several retail products and I've been published in small industry magazines. But I have no scrap of paper on the wall that says I took such-and-such a course or completed this or that classwork.

Didn't Bill Gates drop out of college?

3. A sense of humor

-Ah, but what sort of humor? George Carlin obcenity-laden yet insightful and clever? Keep in mind, to some, redneck jokes are the very epitome of humor.

How about Gallagher? He might be a lot of fun for a while, but really, would you want to live with a man that spends all day, every day, dreaming up new ways to squash fruit?

4. Classy

-To a pimp, a white velour suit with tigerstripe accents might be considered "classy". To a beltway lawyer, Brooks Brothers might be "normal" and Armani is "classy".

I know some guys to whom Guiness beer is "classy" and I know a few to whom anything lesser than Sokol Blosser Cabernet Sauvignon, 1992, is akin to drinking sterno.

5. Happy

-Presumably with the implied modifier "non-chemically-induced".

6. Phobia free

-Drat. You had me up until this point, as I suffer from violent and uncontrollable chionophobia.

Seriously though, everyone suffers from some form of phobia, however mild. Snakes, spiders and heights are most common, speaking in public is another... Any man who suffers from none of those on the list is, sadly, long dead.

7. No violent tendencies

-How violent is violent? Sean Penn getting mad at a photographer or Ted Kazynski blowing-up-random-people violent?

Presumably you mean "abusive", as in he doesn't/won't strike you or the kids, and doesn't jump out of the car screaming and throwing rocks at the guy who just swiped your parking space at the mall.

No road rage? That's asking a lot.

8. Old fashioned ideals

-You mean people don't hold doors open for each other somewhere?

9. A black belt in some form of fighting

-Right, but no violence. Sorry, I think Jackie Chan is already married.

And why a black belt? Some styles, like Aikido, don't use "belts" as badges of rank. Moreover, what's wrong with a few classes from Gunsite (http://gunsite.com/) or perhaps Thunder Ranch (http://www.thunderranchinc.com/)?

Okay guys do your thing

My thing? Oh, right: Single, clean, house and cars are paid for, own my own business, nondrinker, nonsmoker, nonreligious, well-read, professional machinist and inveterate gadget freak, and I can spell "callipygous" without looking it up.

Perhaps you need to work on the list a bit more.

[Typo Negative]

That's asking an awful lot. What do you offer in return for absolute perfection?

[elmwood]

Why bother with all the work? Just go on match.com, and look at a Denver or San Francisco-area WSM ad. :D

[zany280]

Okay satisfying licious, you have proven beautifully that too much of anything, even sarcastic humor, is a bad thing...besides, I just want additions not auditions...Nickel, that was good...the humor must be sarcastic yet witty. Without any sadistic undertones...anyway I realized I posted the stupid thing in the wrong room...
One more addition my friend just thought up which probably should be listed first...under thirty. Thanx guys...

[Fin_man]

And who doesn't have Defecaloesiophobia (the fear of painful bowels movements.) :dubious:

[The Great Unwashed]

You might want to specify a preferred sexual orientation and marital status -- it has become almost folkoric that all the "good men" are married and/or* gay.



*okay, I made the and/or bit up.

[The Calculus of Logic]

Originally posted by spooje
That's asking an awful lot. What do you offer in return for absolute perfection?


good one.

[Steve Wright]

:: looks at phobias list ::

Let me get this straight. You want a tall, good-looking, funny, black belt pacifist who isn't scared of bullets, nuclear missiles or atomic explosions?

I think you might have to fight Lois Lane for him. Oh, wait, Superman's over thirty, so he's out too.

I wonder if the phrase "realistic standards" has any place in this thread?

[UrbanChic]

Let me get this straight. You're making a perfect man list and no where on said list is there any mention of salary?

Pffft.

To a pimp, a white velour suit with tigerstripe accents might be considered "classy". A white velour suit with tigerstipe accents *is* classy.

[js_africanus]

Originally posted by zany280
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
Barefoot & Pregnant woman seeks chauvinistic man who is willing to put her in her place (i.e. the kitchen). Equal rights supporters need not apply.

[Bren_Cameron]

Originally posted by zany280


7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)\
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)



I was with you (with quibbles on "tall" and "intelligent") until I got here.

No violent tendencies but an expert in a decidedly violent skill? Let me guess, you also want him to do everything you want, but be a take-charge kind of guy.

And number 8 is just out. Any guy who insists on paying all tabs or opening doors makes me want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction--I'm sure one of these days he's going to tell me not to worry my pretty head about something. I am not a delicate flower who can't take care of herself. I am an adult who wants a partnership, not a little girl looking for a daddy to take care of me.

Now, I do expect someone I'm with to open doors when my hands are full, or hold them when it would be polite to do so--I also expect to do the same for him. And I would get tired of going out with someone who never paid the tab (I wouldn't be surprised if guys do, too, btw). And cheating is just out--I wouldn't call that an "old fashioned ideal," quite frankly. It's as though guys who don't hold doors and pull out chairs also think quite casually of cheating. Huh?

My list would be a bit different--

1)makes me laugh

2) thinks about things, doesn't just spout off whatever thought or opinion he heard at work

3)Doesn't bad-mouth his exes (because what he says and thinks about them, he'll say and think about you.)

4)Is employed (I'm willing to give this one a miss when unemployment is clearly not his fault)

5)Respects me.

Everything else is variable.

[Count Blucher]

Re: Perfect Man

Sorry, Jesus died.


If he comes again, I'll let you know.

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by quietman1920
Re: Perfect Man

Sorry, Jesus died.


If he comes again, I'll let you know.

I don't think he would make the cut. He would fail:

#6 Phobia free. I'm sure he has Staurophobia (fear of crosses or the crucifix)
and
#9 A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

[Profane Creation]

Since when is not cheating an old-fashioned ideal?

Make sure you stay home on election day. And make me some cookies while you're there!!

[Ethilrist]

Originally posted by JuanitaTech
Let me get this straight. You're making a perfect man list and no where on said list is there any mention of salary?
Must be looking for a gigolo.

Is a brown belt close enough? Because aside from that, I'm your guy. I do have some issue, however, with the idea that your whole definition of classy seems to encompass whether or not it's appropriate to vent gas in your presence...

I notice that you didn't mention "single," which is also one of the reasons why I qualify. 'course, my wife will kill me if she finds out about this...

[flonks]

Zany, it's so sad, you will die a virgin :)

[Sock Munkey]

I think Zany should list her qalities first so we can have an idea of how much she should realistically expect and can shorten the list accordingly.

[Little Plastic Ninja]

NO bodily functions in the bedroom? MAN, your life is gonna be boring. :D

Seriously, I don't think it's fair to leave someone 'cause he farts in his sleep.

Going down the list:

1) Tall and handsome: Well, I do like a guy to be taller than me, but most guys are. Handsome is relative. I like someone who takes more than marginal care of their appearance -- i.e., someone who washes and shaves regularly, wears clean clothes that don't look like they came from the reject basket of Goodwill, and brushes his hair. Outside of that, you would be surprised how little "handsome" actually matters when you actually LOVE someone.

2) Intelligent and well-rounded: I'll add one to that: a good conversationalist. By that, I mean someone who can make even a dull-seeming subject sound fabulously interesting.

3) Sense of humor: Well, duh. I don't think I'd even go on a date with someone who couldn't make me laugh. But a guy without a sense of humor shouldn't try to manufacture one. Just like we can tell a woman with silicone implants, we can tell a guy who gets his jokes out of a book.

4) Classy: Depends on your opinion. My version of classy has nothing to do with brand names. I do remember one fine gent I knew who always wore slacks or black jeans, a blazer, a subdued turtleneck, and nice boots. He also picked up the tab, opened the door, and pulled out the chair. It was fucking eerie, since *I* had thought we were just having dinner as friends.

5) Happy: I think "self-assured" and "confident" are a touch more important here, but I see what you're getting at. I get very sick of tortured artists, very very fast. No one HAS to be tortured.

6) Phobia free: Nah. I don't care about this one. Though "not being an utter wuss" is different. I've met my ideal guy, and he hates cockroaches too.

7) No violent tendencies: Well, *I* have violent tendencies, I just don't act on them. But I'd rather be involved with someone who never saw physical violence as a way to solve conflicts, unless he had no other choice.

8) Old-fashioned ideals: All things considered, I think that the opening doors and suchlike are courtesies that should be extended to everyone. I feel guilty when someone else picks up the tab, unless we'd agreed to that before. I feel downright uneasy and suspicious when someone refuses to let me pay my own way.

9) Black belt? You know that the perfect guy would have to practice for years to get that? What's so important about it, anyway? I mean, sure, I want to date Samurai Jack too, but he's SO two-dimensional. ;)

I'm gonna get my OWN black belt, thankyouverymuch. :) I just recently started karate class, and I'm absolutely in love with it.

[Arnold Winkelried]

This thread is more of an IMHO type of thing.

[istara]

I've found a man with 1, 2, 3, half of 4 (public fine, private less so), 6, 7, most of 8, and half of 9 (strong, tough, would jump to the rescue but no formal combat qualifications).

You should also add:

10. Excellent in bed ;)
11. Honest
12. Not possessive/jealous

All in all, 2, 3, and 11 are by far the most important.

[Khadaji]

I was so close! 8 of 9. Oh well, good luck!

[ioioio]

Unfortunately, life has pointed out to me two qualifications that you need to add:
1. not an alcoholic or drug addict
2. has not been institutionalized with a serious mental disorder

You might want to steer away from convicted felons also.
And, seriously, it turns out you actually have to ask about these things.

[Giraffe]

Like Khadaji, I was doing really well until I got to numbers 8 and 9. (I liberally interpreted number one to be tall and/or handsome.)

Intelligent? Check.
Sense of humor? Shit, I'm laughing right now. I'm hilarious.
Classy? Shit, I have more class in the folds of my scrotum than most guys have in their entire bodies.
Happy? The attendants say I'm the happiest guy they've had in here in a long time, what with the constant laughing.
Phobia free? I can't say for sure, on account of being terrified of dictionaries, but I probably am.
No violet tendencies? No way, I hate violets. Little fuckers.

But I wouldn't call my ideals old-fashioned, since I made them all up myself. And I don't have a black belt, or any belt for that matter since they took it away. Thus, although near perfect, I am not the perfect man. Damnit.

[Satisfying Andy Licious]

Originally posted by zany280
Okay satisfying licious, you have proven beautifully that too much of anything, even sarcastic humor, is a bad thing...besides, I just want additions not auditions...
Just additions, hmm? Okay, how about "must be a self-absorbed twit." That's to ensure compatibility.

[betenoir]

Originally posted by Giraffe
Thus, although near perfect, I am not the perfect man. Damnit.

You could still make it. You get extra credit points for the prehensile tongue.

[Monkey Chews]

Well, I don't need them to be tall (although I'm not going to complain about handsome), and I definitely don't need them to be classy. (Please! A well-timed fart can be absolutely hilarious.) A good phobia can add to quirkiness, which is always a plus. And anyone with old fashioned ideals can just leave me the hell alone. Not sure about the black belt thing - I wouldn't rule someone out because they had one, but it's certainly not a prerequisite for being The Perfect Man.

So the points we agree on:

1. Good looking. Definitions can vary wildly, but a killer smile is mandatory.
2. Intelligent. Knowledgeable, articulate, imaginative and able to argue a point.
3. Funny as all get-out. (And thinks I am too.)
5. Happy. Or rather, positive, inspiring personality. (I love people who look for the good other people, and life in general. They usually find it.)
4. Non-violent. Laid back and no attempts at being macho.

Plus some of my own:

5. Loves singing (having a good voice is also a plus, but someone who enjoys singing despite not being able to is also pretty damn sexy)
6. A good talker. Talks about everything from mundane pointless stuff to life, the universe and everything, including their internal emotional state, fer crying out loud. And does it with the good humour expressed in point 3 above.
7. Has a job that they love, and that adds something good to the world, but does not consume all their time. (That's my job.)
8. Affectionate. Wild yet tender in bed. Can't keep his hands off me out of it. Thoughtful and expressive all the way round.

Hot damn, where can I get me one of these guys???

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally posted by zany280

The Perfect Man Ad

1. Tall and Handsome (dark or light it doesn't matter)
2. Intelligent (this means well read and well rounded. If you are smart and just never applied yourself you NEED NOT APPLY)
3. A sense of humor (this is the only mandatory requirement)
4. Classy (this not only includes refraining from the use of any bodily functions while in a public place, but also while in a private place ie. the bedroom)
5. Happy (Although the occational bad mood is acceptable the Depressed Artist Syndrome is not)
6. Phobia free (this includes but is not limited to ALL phobia's listed on the web page www.phobialist.com)
7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)\
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)


My Sister met that guy once.

He's gay.


So she married the next best thing--a shorter, blonde, not-genius with a kind heart as big as all outdoors. The family approves.

Good luck with your sterile, loveless relationship with Pseudo-Superman, kid.

[Pablito]

re: the OP--
*sigh* Once again, the first attribute listed rules me out. "Tall" just doesn't seem like it measures up (so to speak) with most of the other criteria you've selected. If more women were truly open to the idea of dating a 5'8" man, I believe I'd have a much more active social life. Anyway, I've got the rest of the attributes pretty well covered, except the black belt.
Call me when you're ready to expand your field a bit.

And MonkeyChews--if you don't mind a bit of a long-distance relationship, you sound like the perfect woman for me, and I the man for you, except I'm working on that 'loves his job' part, getting ready to change there.

[Belrix]

Originally posted by Doc Nickel

My thing? Oh, right: Single, clean, house and cars are paid for, own my own business, nondrinker, nonsmoker, nonreligious, well-read, professional machinist and inveterate gadget freak, and I can spell "callipygous" without looking it up.


I had to read this three times before I stopped reading "invertebrate gadet freak".

Back of my head kept trying to form PDA's for earthworms...

As to the OP - she did say "Perfect Man", and I, therefore give her lattitude to form the impossible. I do think that "Non-violent" and "Black Belt" are somewhat incompatible.

[Monkey Chews]

Originally posted by Pablito
And MonkeyChews--if you don't mind a bit of a long-distance relationship, you sound like the perfect woman for me, and I the man for you, except I'm working on that 'loves his job' part, getting ready to change there.
Well, I'm the perfect woman for you apart from the small issue of being a guy. ;) Thanks for the compliment though!

[HughManatee]

Well, since you make no mention of health or ability to produce healthy children, good luck with your "perfect" blank-shootin', terminal cancer-ridden man.

[PatriotX]

I'd fit the bill all the way through.








I'm married.

[NinjaChick]

Originally posted by Belrix
As to the OP - she did say "Perfect Man", and I, therefore give her lattitude to form the impossible. I do think that "Non-violent" and "Black Belt" are somewhat incompatible.

Ahem.

I am a black belt.

I am a pacifist.

Any questions?

[Satisfying Andy Licious]

Originally posted by NinjaChick
Ahem.

I am a black belt.

I am a pacifist.

Any questions?

Are you applying for perfect man?

[PatriotX]

Originally posted by NinjaChick
Ahem.

I am a black belt.

I am a pacifist.

Any questions?

Yeah, I had a good friend who fit that description. Haven't seen or heard from her for years. I wonder if you're her.

Have you ever studied in Japan? When she boarded her plane to Japan I met her at the airport and gave her an origami animal.

[MyFootsZZZ]

Originally posted by Bren_Cameron
I was with you (with quibbles on "tall" and "intelligent") until I got here.

No violent tendencies but an expert in a decidedly violent skill? Let me guess, you also want him to do everything you want, but be a take-charge kind of guy.

And number 8 is just out. Any guy who insists on paying all tabs or opening doors makes me want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction--I'm sure one of these days he's going to tell me not to worry my pretty head about something. I am not a delicate flower who can't take care of herself. I am an adult who wants a partnership, not a little girl looking for a daddy to take care of me.

Now, I do expect someone I'm with to open doors when my hands are full, or hold them when it would be polite to do so--I also expect to do the same for him. And I would get tired of going out with someone who never paid the tab (I wouldn't be surprised if guys do, too, btw). And cheating is just out--I wouldn't call that an "old fashioned ideal," quite frankly. It's as though guys who don't hold doors and pull out chairs also think quite casually of cheating. Huh?

My list would be a bit different--

1)makes me laugh

2) thinks about things, doesn't just spout off whatever thought or opinion he heard at work

3)Doesn't bad-mouth his exes (because what he says and thinks about them, he'll say and think about you.)

4)Is employed (I'm willing to give this one a miss when unemployment is clearly not his fault)

5)Respects me.

Everything else is variable.


Bren_Cameron, You sound like you have what a lot of guys are looking for, including me. It's all about respect.

You believe two people should show an equal amount of respect for each other, and it's refreshing to hear. I was once walking in the park with a (now) Ex of mine, and she wanted to get off of her feet and sit down at a bench. When we found a place to sit, she sat on one side, leaving room for me. Before a I sat down next to her, she brushed off my seat's surface with her hand. It don't seem like much, but it really made me feel like my company was appreciated. I made sure she knew how much things like that meant to me.

I'm NOT very tall, (5"5').

I'm not very smart at all... in fact, I know I have some severe learning problems. There are, however, some areas where I am extremely intelligent, but they aren't immediately apparent to others.

Not phobia free.

I'm NOT a black belt.

So you could immage how special I felt whenever this great gal went out of her way for me. I showed her the same respect. At that time, she didn't have any faults. I embraced every thing about her. All my "what makes a 'perfect' woman, lists" went out the window.

(BTW, we are still great friends.)

[saramamalana]

One requirement I would like to make of a suitor is that he'd like to show me new things, be it foods or movies or books, but will respect my polite declination to try some. I have a guy friend who still quasi-teases me about a book he wanted me to try 4 years ago, that I got 30 pages into and decided I couldn't follow it nor was I enjoying it. It's like seriously, f*ck off, I didn't like the book, drop it.

This is the same guy who as much as he knew his girlfriend was a tremendously picky eater, he would almost insist in any restaurant that she try what he was eating no matter how much the food was something she'd never eat.

[Rabid_Squirrel]

Let me throw my deformed, tacky, cheap hat into the fray:

1) Above average height and children don't cry when I look at them, so I guess I'm handsome.

2) Umm...errr...well shucks, of course

3) Well, what do you have/do that makes this so important :p

4) Oh yes, when I pass wind I always descretely blame the person next to me.

5) I'm always pleasantly surprised when the worst case scenario doesn't occur. Does that count?

6) [Clicks zany280's link] Cripes, is Dutchphobia real?

7) Nope.

8) As long as you don't think that the Armish is your ideal, I'm quiet polite. And since when "no cheating" old fashioned? I thought it was simply good manners.

9) Black belt in Karate. I'm a terrible fighter though (thank goodness fo kata), and I'm not going to put on a display just for to jump through hoops.