grandma in the delivery room

[zydecat]

My girlfriend and I were talking about her sister who is having a baby. Her sister is 29, married and wants her mother along with her husband in the delivery room when she has her baby. That just creeped me out and I said so. She said that it is more common than I think. Lots of women have their mother in the delivery room. First off...and I know this is a GQ but I have a two part question...How common is this? Are there actual statistics for this sort of thing? I know of no one who has done this. Am I naive? Are there women all over the country watching their grandchildren being born? Shouldn't this moment be a bonding moment between the father and mother and child? Do we really need the grandmother in there too?

I was thinking about this today. I realize that I have a natural bias that colors my view. My girlfriend is 27 and still lives at home. That is relatively common here due to the high cost of living. But she makes enough money that she could easily afford to move out and is indeed doing so in the next month or so. I think that a child should move out on their own much earlier....or at least want to. She was in no hurry until I started pushing her to stand on her own. She and I have had this discussion many times. Again, she thinks this is normal behavior. Even though she thinks that her mom in the delivery room is normal, she doesn't want that. I am divorced, partly due to my ex-wife's inability to let go of her mother so I am not in the best position to see this situation clearly. You've heard of mamma's boys. Well trust me, there are mamma's girls too. Her mom is nice, but this seems awfull strange to me. I'm seeing red flags, but I might be overly sensitive. I've tried to give just the barest facts because I don't want to bias you all too much. I'd appreciate your feedback.

[kambuckta]

I had my mum and sister at my second birth, a dear friend at my third, and ALL the kids at my fourth (I went into serious labour quickly, and we couldn't raise our arranged babysitter, or anyone else for that matter!)

I don't know about common, but it certainly happens fairly frequently especially in 'birthing units' (as opposed to a normal hospital delivery room).

As for your g/f living at home, that too is becoming more common as the costs of housing get higher and higher. When I was a teenager, most kids were out of home by 18....nowadays, they're not going anywhere until they have finshed uni and saved the deposit for a house (or so it seems).

[Ashkicker]

I don't have any kids, but I thought this was fairly common. I personally wouldn't want anyone to be in the delivery room except for me and hubby (if we were having kids). I have watched several baby stories on t.v. and most of the ones I have seen have several family members in the room not just the grandmother. But then again if you were allowing a camera for national t.v. to view the birth of your child, I guess you wouldn't think too much about having the grandmother or any other close relative in there. Note: I am not by any means knocking on people that have chosen to have cameras in the delivery room. I think it is great and very educational so my hat is really of to the women that can do that.

[Guinastasia]

Creepy? How so?


Her mother was there when she was born-she's been through it, she knows what it's like.

[Tamex]

I had my mom in the delivery room when I had my daughter. She was a big help, too. Face it...how much does a first-time father really know about giving birth? He's anxious, and so is a first-time mom. At least Grandma has done this before. I have heard now that you can actually hire someone called a doula who performs many of the same roles that my mom performed--staying with you during labor, rubbing your back, keeping you calm, etc., etc. So, some women actually hire a "stranger" to be in the delivery room with them! I was pretty lucky to have someone willing to do that for free :) I don't think it's "creepy" at all. That's a big burden you're expecting the husband to shoulder, especially if he's never been through it before. My husband was relieved to have my mom there.

I found that I really lost my sense of modesty when I gave birth. I mean, you have all kinds of people looking and poking and prodding down there. You stop caring who sees you. Birth isn't really the intimate moment you seem to be expecting--at least, not in my experience.

Having Grandma there for the conception is creepy; for the birth, not creepy.

[TeaRoses]

This is my first post here (I've been lurking for a while) so excuse me if there is something wrong with it.

I had my mother and my husband in the delivery room with me when my daughter was born. I had originally been told that I could only have one person but the doctor told me he had no problem with it.

My mother was thrilled, and later told me it had been the best day of her life.

She passed away when my daughter was five years old, and I'm really glad I had that opportunity.

[China Guy]

My mil came over to the hospital for the pre-birth room. My wife was really glad she was there. Unfortunately, none of us were allowed in the actual delivery room.

[Sunglasses]

Originally posted by Tamex
At least Grandma has done this before.

**giggle**

I asked my mother to be in the delivery room with me for the birth of my second child because she hadn't done that before! My brother and I are adopted and she had not had the exciting experience of pregnancy and birth.

Like TeaRoses mom, my mother said it was the best day of her life.

[tanookie]

I'd never have my mother in with me but my cousin had hers in with her and they said it was a great experience. I'm not really close to my mother and that makes a big difference!

With my daughter I had my friend (she'd had 3 kids) so I could have someone on my side who had been through all this before and could tell me when they were lying (Yeah ... breathe... this won't hurt a bit!) Unfortunately she had to leave when they wheeled me in for the Csection but hubby was allowed in with me :)

As far as living at home goes I usually think of 30 as the cutoff... if they're still there at 30 something's odd in my opinion.

[John Carter of Mars]

Thinkin' about the births in my extended family, I'd say it's been more usual for the mother or even MIL to be in the delivery room. If/when the Dr. cuts it down to one visitor, the mom figure stays and the husband goes back to the waiting room.

Trust me, it works out better that way.

[curly chick]

zydecat
In my humble opinion - and I have never had a baby - if a pregnant lady wants her mother/husband/father/neice/sister/uncle/brother/best friend/grandmother/yoga intructor in there with her, she should ask that person.
Everyone's family is different and when you get right down to it, it is the pregnant lady's day and she should call some of the shots, surely?

Why does it bother you who your your girlfriend's pregnant sister wants in the delivery room with her?
If she wanted you in there, that's when your opinion would count.

[newcrasher]

My wife is due in December, and my mom will be in the delivery room...

...creepy? How?

[zydecat]

Thanks for the replies. I think I may have overstated the creepiness factor. My question was two-fold. First, how common. Apparently, it is more common than I know. I have never met anyone who has done this before. I used to joke with my ex-wife when my children were born that she should have her mother in there for the experience factor.

The second question dealt with my personal "issues" regarding MILs. I see the birthing process as a chance for father/mother/child to bond. I think that there are some areas that a grownup family should get to do together, without outside help... such as finances, where to live, and maybe even having a child. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that last part. Because my girlfriend is in a very high salary range, is 27, yet still needs her mother's approval on key aspects of her life is troubling to me. For example, her mother wouldn't let her move out on her own because, "Why throw money away on rent?" when she could have in fact, bought almost anyplace she would have wanted. So when I see the mother in the delivery room with the sister, I had to wonder whether this was a control issue, a daughter who couldn't break away from her mother issue, or just a normal family experience. I also wondered if it would someday be an issue for my girlfriend and me if we became more serious.

I understand that these are two separate questions/issues. Maybe it is more my problem than anyone elses. Thanks again

[Tamex]

You do know that, traditionally, girls stayed with their parents until they were married, right? Is your girlfriend the more traditional sort? Perhaps that tradition is important to her family.

Perhaps your girlfriend didn't want to throw money away on rent, and she also didn't feel ready to take on the maintainance, etc. of a house all by herself at such a young age. That seems pretty practical to me. Also, you say that she could afford to buy just about every house in your area, but perhaps she doesn't think so. Some people need more of a "comfort zone" than others regarding financial matters.

On the other hand, if your girlfriend could afford to move out and really wanted to move out and was letting her parents stop her from doing so...well, that might be a warning sign. Frankly, it looks like, from your OP, that she was living with her parents to please them and is now moving out to please you. :dubious:

It sounds like your girlfriend has a close family, and she is probably always going to seek their advice in important matters. A lot of people look to their parents as a font of wisdom. I know I do.

[Guinastasia]

Actually, having fathers in the delivery room is a very recent thing. In the past, men were rarely present while a woman was giving birth-it was usually a midwife and her female relatives.

Now, there are always exceptions, but seriously-this is actually a very traditional thing.


I think you probably have some issues of your own you need to work out.

[Green Bean]

zydecat First of all, I love your username!
Shouldn't this moment be a bonding moment between the father and mother and child?Only a few short decades ago, it was unthinkable to have the father in the delivery room at all!

Bonding during the birth is a nice idea in theory, but when it comes to passing a human being through a little tiny hole, practical matters are more important. If it makes a woman feel better to have her mommy there, then she will have an easier birth. And as Tamex said, Grandma can be a tremendous help to the new daddy. The birth is hard for him as well.

Obviously, having additional family members in the delivery room has become quite common. So much so that our birth education nurse made sure to tell me that it was MY decision who should be in the room, and not to feel pressured by anyone who wanted or expected to be there. I wanted only my husband there, but if, by some unforseen circumstance, he couldn't be there, I would have loved to have my mom there. I just didn't want more than one person.

And to build on something kambuckta brought up--I didn't have a "delivery room" anyway. I gave birth in an ordinary hospital, but the maternity rooms were all "birthing rooms," where the mother labors and delivers and recovers in the same room. This is becoming more and more common. So family members may be in the birthing room, but not present for the actual birth. In my case, many family members were around during labor and recovery, but only my husband was present at the birth itself.

[irishgirl]

I know it's pretty standard for people who don't want the father there to choose their mum as the birth partner.

[Moirai]

OK, check out this birthing party! For the first one, I had my husband, my mom and his mom in the delivery room with me! He was up by my head "coaching", and each grandma was "downtown", so they are the ones who saw the baby first. My mom even cut the cord. They were both thrilled and honored (and probably a little grossed out, but they never said anything).

The second time, it was my husband, my mom, his mom, his sister and two friends of mine (mother and daughter). Everybody wanted to be there and thought it was cool. Especially my SIL who wanted to really know what happened, what it was like, etc.

Having the grandmas there helped a lot, because hubby had no experience and wasn't sure what to do the first time around.

It wasn't gross at all, it was great.

[Hedda Rosa]

My birth, which I loved, had quite a crowd too. Me, my husband and the baby were joined by my best girlfriend, his mom, and my mom, with his dad waiting outside. I was so happy to have all the support from the women who are closest to me - support both emotionally and physically (helping me to curl around the baby and puuuuush!). I wouldn't have changed a thing and didn't find having a group to be intrusive at all.

After the birth however, when the baby was still so very very new, I wanted time with just me and my husband and the Liddle Twiddle, and shooed everyone away for a few days. Then the hordes decended and we had visitors for about a month...but that is another thread.

Twiddle

[Hedda Rosa]

Hmmm. I said "my birth", but obviously what I meant was "when I gave birth".

:smack:

[ThirdMonkey]

Well, here's a mom checking in to tell about being there for her daughter's delivery. I've had four children, all daughters, and all natural, so this wasn't really a big deal for me, as far as the experience goes. But my (not-so) little girl asked me to be there and that was good enough for me. It was her first birth, she was a bit frightened, and I did everything I could think of to help her through the whole thing. I wasn't watching the vaginal process when my granddaughter was born, I was looking at the face of my child. I can't tell you what relief was there on her face when she heard, and what I always listened for, the cry of her child, to know that it was all worth it just for that moment. And you know what, I have a picture of her at that moment I wouldn't take a million bucks for. We experienced this together and we'll never forget it ever. And yes, her husband was there as well, but he paid no attention to my daughter, just the birth. I'm not bashing his behavior, by way. He was enthralled with the whole thing. I think it all worked out well in the end. Oh, and I have those pics if anyone is interested. Just e-mail. Total satisfaction on her face, no doubt about it.

I think the choice of a female attendent for the person giving birth is totally appropriate, no matter what relation. It doesn't even have to be a certain gender. A woman who is giving birth needs all the support she can get.

And by the way, granddaughter's nickname is, by my choice on a dare, Febo (after a Phoebe-naming reference in Friends, if anyone gets it) and she will be one year old next month.

I'm a proud grandmere.

[Zoe]

I married a widower with a grown daughter. When she was giving birth to her first child (in a birthing room), I was able to rub her back and encourage her. The mother's grandfather, father, husband and grandmother were all present.

At one point the nurse was shooing us out of the room. As I was about to leave, my step-daughter said, "Zoe, you can stay." That was such a wonderful gift to me.! I had never born a child or seen one brought into this world.

Of course, since I stayed, the others began to file back in so we were all there!

The bonding may happen in a moment's time or over a long period of time. Our presence didn't interfere with that process at all. There was plenty of love to go around and the more people who became bonded with this child, the better. She knows that she is much loved. In a couple of years, when she is eighteen, I will give her the little book where I scribbled the details of what the room looked like and things that were said. I think she will treasure it.

For example, her mother wouldn't let her move out on her own because, "Why throw money away on rent?" when she could have in fact, bought almost anyplace she would have wanted.

If she had wanted to move out, there was no way that her mother could have stopped her. Saying that "her mother wouldn't let her" is silly.

I hope as you grow older you will see the birth process as a natural and beautiful moment -- but never creepy.

[dangermom]

My mom was with me when I was in labor. It was a nice comfort and help to have her there--and mr. genie could go get a sandwich without feeling like he was abandoning me.

She didn't get to be there for the birth, since I wound up with a c-section.

As for beautiful mother-father-baby bonding with no one else around--well, remember that there will also be at least two medical people in there, and probably the whole scene will be more like a circus with doctors and nurses and machines that go ping than it will be you three alone.

[AbbySthrnAccent]

My mom and husband traded off during my labor. His parents were in town too and he kept going out to talk to them. My mom was letting her feelings get hurt over it and finally said something like, "If you leave her in there alone again, I am going in." He said, 'ok sure, come on I'll show ya where she is". The rest the day they traded in and out. After about 12 hours he left with his parents for dinner, (he's not the sort to miss a meal and I was only at 3) while he was gone they decided that I'd been at 3 since before 6am and were going to do a C-section because of fetal distress. He arrived just in time for delivery. I'm so glad my mom was there when the scary stuff stared happening and they decided to do the C-sect.

I don't think he would have left me during the labor if his parents hadn't been there, but they were and he did, and that's how Grandma came to be in the delivery room. (Granted not at the same time as hubby.)

[zydecat]

Hi all. There are some beautiful stories here. I'm especially impressed that EJsGirl could share the event with both sides of the family. ThirdMonkey-That was a touching tale about watching your daughter's face. It made me a little...umm..teary. I don't want to exclude anyone else who took the time to answer. I did not realize the ....I can't find the word... I'll call it life-affirmingness (I know that's not a real word) of the event that could be shared with others.

I guess it is my own personal issues that color my perceptions (I'm sorry- that makes no grammatical sense but I think you know what I mean). I grew up alone without family and have a hard time fathoming the family lives of others. I don't want pity for that. It's just a fact. I envy you all that have that relationship with your parents. BTW, I am a bit older than my girlfriend. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and I was there for there births. Those were moments that I would never forget and I can see now how a mother might want to share in that. I mispoke with the "creepy" comment.

You've all given me something to think about. I have a new insight that I like. It might even make me a better person and I thank you for that.

But I still stand by my statement that a 27 year old woman with the means to- ought to move out and live on their own. If it was a man, we'd call him a "Mama's Boy". But don't worry Tamex, I'm not forcing any wedges or anyone to do something they don't want.

[Govindha]

It's really not that bad. My mother in law walked in while my wife was pushing on our second child. I didn't want her there when we talked about it , but when the dya came i didn't really care. I'm glad she got to see her child give birth. Share and let her enjoy this day.

[Moirai]

Believe me, some people have flipped when I told them that my mom and his mom each had a knee, helping me push!

My MIL and I have never really been on the same page, but that was something I knew would go a long way towards making her feel that I valued her. And they are the talk of their grandparent circles!

Hell, I asked my dad and brother to stay the first time, but they were up and out like their asses were on fire! My dad firmly believes that a man's place is in the waiting room!

I think birth can be very hard on a husband. Your wife may be in great pain, there is quite a bit of blood, and you can't do anything to fix it. It must make them feel very powerless. I, on the other hand, love being pregnant and giving birth, and wish I could do it a few more times!

:D

[SnoopyFan]

My mom and husband were both in the room with me. Good thing, too, as they each were given the task of holding up one of my legs when I was pushing.

They tried to get MIL to come in the room but she wouldn't, saying she was afraid I'd be "embarassed." Yeah, MIL, there's literally 7 strangers in the room, all looking at my coochie. One more's really gonna matter. (The second she heard LittleSnoopy's first cries, though, she ran into the room and bolted over to the warming station.)

Looking back I know lots of women whose moms were in the room with them. And best friends, and sisters, and cousins, etc.

Just depends on the woman, I think.

[Queen Tonya]

I can't fathom having given birth without my mother there. I come from a relatively close family, but my friends who aren't close with their moms had a sister or a girlfriend or a grandmother or something there with them. For all the reasons mentioned above, a female understands in ways a male doesn't, etc etc.

I actually got the bonus plan, being the youngest my Mom had been thru it with my elder sisters so she was super helpful with reading the contraction monitors and such.

Tamex is exactly right, somewhere during pregnancy and labor your parts stop being yours and birthing is as much a spectator event for you as it is for the daddy or grandma. It's somehow okay even if everyone stares, because there's just amazing stuff going on there.
I thought a doula was someone hired after the baby arrived though. AFAIK it translates in Greek to something like 'mother the mother' and the doula is there to feed and generally cluck over the mother and help care for the newborn while the mother recuperates.

[Tamex]

Well, according to http://www.doula.com, "a doula supports women and their families in achieving the birth that they desire." It looks like they help you prepare and plan for the birth, but they also stay by your side throughout labor and birth, providing "emotional support, physical comfort measures, and an objective viewpoint."

Just like Mom. I didn't know the meaning of the name before, but it sounds appropriate.

irishgirl brings up a good point. If the father of the baby can't be there, then Grandma is often the main labor coach.

I think that sisters (of the person giving birth) are also often present. Now that I think about it, I know a lot of people who had their sisters there or were there when their sisters were giving birth. No brothers, though...I think brothers tend to get the "asses on fire" syndrome :).

[Mercury]

I think it's creepy, too. I couldn't really explain why, it just is.

Though I am neither married nor pregnant, my mother already knows that she will not be in the delivery room. She is totally cool with that. Her mother was not there when she had me. She also knows that her fuction at the hospital that day is to keep Mr Mercury's mother, who has already told me that she's coming, the hell out of the delivery room. I have authorised the use of physical force. ;-)

As for Mr Mercury, the jury's still out. He says he will come in, and if it's important to him, then he will. Personally, though, I would be happy as a clam to have no-one with me. There are doctors and nurses, who do this day in a day out and won't be seeing anything new. The family has the rest of their lives to bond with the child, and I've seen enough births on TV (and heard enough about them) to know I do not need an audience.

-M

[kelebrian@hotmail.com]

I'm one of the few, I guess, who didn't want my mom in the room. She's very excitable -- gets hysterical easily, and all that -- and I couldn't bear the idea of trying to calm her down when I had such an important job to do. When I gave birth to both my daughters, I knew I'd need all my strength for the task ahead, rather than supporting Mum through all the stress.

Is that selfish? Probably so. On the other hand, my husband was there for both, and he was no earthly help whatsoever. Baby #1: Sat at the foot of my bed, ate a sandwich and read the paper while I screamed in agony. Baby #2: Stood in the corner of the room until the nurse-anesthetist ordered him over to hold my hand. First time I wanted to kill him, second time I felt sorry for him (insofar as I was able. ;-) Delivery rooms are definitely not his strong point.

If Mum could've kept her cool, I might've let her in. My MIL would've rather been shot by firing squad than been in the delivery room with me, I'm sure. ;-) I wanted a doula, truthfully, but they were hard to find in our area in 1999, the last time I popped out a kid.

Mrs. Furthur

[Dangerosa]

My mom was there, I think. I know my hubby was, but I'm not sure if my mom was in the room when she was born or not. She was there during labor. But my dad and son were outside and I'm not sure when she was in the room and when she was out of it.

I however, did not let my dad into the room. That would have been creepy.

[Tamex]

Originally posted by Mercury
I think it's creepy, too. I couldn't really explain why, it just is.

Though I am neither married nor pregnant, my mother already knows that she will not be in the delivery room. She is totally cool with that. Her mother was not there when she had me. She also knows that her fuction at the hospital that day is to keep Mr Mercury's mother, who has already told me that she's coming, the hell out of the delivery room. I have authorised the use of physical force. ;-)

Wait, you're not even married or pregnant, and this woman has announced that she'll burst into your delivery room uninvited?! That's a bit presumptive, isn't it? :eek:

As for Mr Mercury, the jury's still out. He says he will come in, and if it's important to him, then he will. Personally, though, I would be happy as a clam to have no-one with me. There are doctors and nurses, who do this day in a day out and won't be seeing anything new. The family has the rest of their lives to bond with the child, and I've seen enough births on TV (and heard enough about them) to know I do not need an audience.

I think it's very unusual to give birth alone in the US these days. Having family members or friends there is not about having an "audience", it's about emotional and physical support. I think that you really will want at least one person who is paying attention to your face and your needs and not just your *ahem* coochie. I mean, labor does take hours, after all, and it's an uncomfortable business at best. The doctors and nurses do check in on you, but they have other patients, too. YMMV.

kelebrian, I don't think that there's anything wrong with not wanting your mom there, either. If your mom is able to be of help to you, it's great, but if she'd be more of a hinderance... If my MIL were my mom, I wouldn't want her there...I'd be the one trying to calm her down, instead of the other way around! My in-laws are all excitable, and anything involving them turns into a circus-type atmosphere. If I ever have another baby, we're not even going to call them until the kid is out...and preferably not until we are home from the hospital!

I can't believe your husband, though. He read the paper?! Yeah, I think you could certainly have used a doula.

[tanookie]

By the time you've been in the hospital an hour so many people will have been fishing around down there that you just won't care anymore!

I had enough wires and monitors goung up inside by the end that I didn't care who they brought in to peek. I felt like some kind of science fair experiment with the IV's and the blood pressure stuff and all the baby monitors and oxygen and who knows what else!

And when it became CSection time... ooof there's something humbling about being paralyzed by anesthesia and having someone try and wrestle your bra off!

[sugaree]

I'm not going to comment on your girlfriend's family situation, zydecat- certainly you know more about that than I do! But I don't understand this modern obsession with moving out. "Oh, he still lives with his parents!" So what? Humans are social creatures; by and large, most of us don't like being alone. People move out only to get into romantic relationships with people who may not be suitable (so they won't be alone). Or they move in with roommates who may not be sane (but they're not alone). Why not just stay home? What does paying rent have to do with, well, anything important? You can travel, have a social life, or pursue educational and career goals just as well with your parents as without. This is, of course, assuming that one's parents are rational human beings who don't interfere with comings and goings, which would not appear to be the situation with your girlfriend's mother.

This argument may be invalidated by the fact that I moved out at twenty-one. Oh, yeah, and I don't think I want my mom in the delivary room because she is high-strung and prone to panic. Years ago, she passed out in the emergency room as the doctor explained how he was going to stitch up my knee. I have no reason to expect that she'll be any more reliable during my labor.

[Primaflora]

My first birth was a stillbirth in hospital -- my best friend, homebirth midwife, hospital midwife and Mr P were present.

Second birth was a homebirth -- Mr P, my best female friend, mmy male best friend (who happened to be an acupuncturist), and two homebirth midwives were present. My mother wasn't as she was too nervous to go to a homebirth.

Third birth was in hospital -- my mother and my midwife. Mr P wasn't there as he was really not much use in prior births and panics too easily. Much easier without him there.

I didn't have my kids or my step daughter at the births. I did ask my step daughter if she wanted to be present but she said, yuck and we left it at that. If I were better at childbearing and more convinced the baby was going to live, I might have my kids present.

Not that I am having any more,

[Skeezix]

My MIL sounds a lot like kelebrian's. She'd have been negative help for Mrs. Skeezix, had we allowed her in the delivery room. She might well have needed more medical attention than Mrs. Skeezix did, had she been there.

In fact, now that I think back on it, she had to be restrained from barging in, shortly before the Skeezling was born. We'd made our feelings known to all and sundry, in the most diplomatic way possible, well beforehand. To whit, if you weren't in the room when she was conceived, you didn't really need to be in the room when she was delivered. This was our child, and we'd like to try and do it ourselves, thanks.

(No, our reasons weren't actually that cold hearted, but that's what the bottom line was. And the hospital had a "one non-pregnant civilian in the room rule," besides.)

Besides, I didn't go to alla them Lamaze classes (or whatever the actual name is) just to sit on the sidelines when the big moment arrived.

As for dads in the delivery room:
If you can't be there, whether from squeamishness, or some job/travel/medical reason, that's understandable. But I couldn't imagine having that option, and not taking it. But that's me, and every dad ain't me.

Our daughter was born with her eyes open, and y'know who the very first person in the world she saw was? It weren't a doctor, nurse, or doula. No matter what kind of crap life throws at me, I got that to look back on.

We were also told that she wouldn't cry, or make any kind of vocalizations for a while, about two seconds before she belted out a high volume yell. She's never been much for doing what's expected. I'm pretty sure we're not gonna be bored, or well rested for that matter, for a lotta years to come.

[Kalhoun]

It was just me and hospital staff with my son's birth. :( I wish the ex would have been allowed in, but it was a no-no unless you did pre-natal classes, which we didn't.

[Avalonian]

I think it depends on the relationship between the new mom (you know, the one delivering a baby) and the old mom/MIL. If there is a strong relationship there, then it doesn't seem at all creepy or out-of-place. If the relationship is strained or difficult, it can be inappropriate or even detrimental to have older mom/MIL in the delivery room.

My wife and her mother have a somewhat strained relationship, and my wife specifically told me that having her mom in the delivery room would just stress her out. I found a diplomatic way to convey this, and she stayed out.

It's different for everyone, but my rule is that whatever the new, delivering mom is comfortable with is what everyone else abides by.

[hedra]

Another who had her mom there.

At least the first time.

She was told she had a 25% chance of still being there for the birth part, but by then, if a busload of frat boys had been handy, I'd have invited them in, too. It was just too cool not to share. There were about a dozen people in the room when Gabe was born, as there was nobody else delivering at the time, and all the L&D nurses filed in to watch, plus a student nurse (who almost passed out), plus the midwife, the backup OB, the assigned nurse, two doulas (!), my husband, and my mom. Beyond that, I had echoes of my foremothers beside me at that point, visibly, all around the room in transparent sepia tones. Of course, we're talking three days of labor with only 10 hours of sleep (in 2 hour increments) plus a day before the labor with only a nap, so hallucinating wasn't out of the question. But heck, if they were there, anyone could be.

With the second, my mom was the companion to my first son, so she was supposed to be there. Only we got transferred to the hospital, the hospital didn't allow kids, so she had to watch him at home. My first doula this time was my Hypnobirthing instructor (value beyond measure!), and my second doula was stuck helping my mom cope with being 'dumped' in the process of the change of care, and we had another friend who hadn't ever seen a birth who got to stay (she'd come to visit, but never left), my midwife (also as a doula, as she had no privileges there), my husband, the nurse, and eventually (for the 'important' 10 minutes) the nit of an OB, who I could have done just fine without thank-you-very-much. Sigh.

The hospital policy dictates to some degree how many and whom. Ours had a limit of two... or was it three? - presumably spouse and friend/mom/sister/doula. In my case, we got away with the extra because the midwife didn't have to sign in for an access bracelet, and they never told us to send our other friend home. So they stayed.

My little sister (half, different mom) didn't even tell her mom that she was in labor until the kid(s) were born, because her mom has a habit of nosing in WAY too far for comfort. She was told, outright, that her mom would be there, because her 'baby needed her'. Um, a little respect, please? If she'd backed off, perhaps she'd have had a chance to see ONE of her grandbabies born, but she didn't learn her lesson. I don't see her denial of access as selfish in the least. It was selfish of my step-mom to think that she had any right to the spot. It was the only appropriate choice in that situation, IMHO.

My mom considers it not a right, but a great gift to be offered the chance to see a daughter birth the next generation. I considered whether my MIL would be invited, but decided against it. Just personal, it didn't feel comfortable, though I love her dearly.

Really, birth is about your process. Some people find it a very intimate and private affair, with bonding focussing on the smallest possible family unit. Others find it a larger-family affair, connecting generation to not just the generation above, but the one above that and above that, linking the flow of life all along the way. Or to their community, for that matter. None is wrong, as any method will allow you to achieve the same goals, in general, in the course of time. You WILL be bonded intimately with your child in ways nobody else is. And you will probably link up your generations, if they are worth linking, and promote development of a sense of community. Whether it feels appropriate to start at the larger circle, or the middle, or the smallest is entirely up to you.

Personally, there is no way I could not have had an intimate bonding process, even with a hundred people in the room. The universe stills when your child is born, like being in the center of a bell newly rung. Nothing else exists beyond that immediate process, the welcoming, the sound of their voice, the feel of them the first time you touch outside instead of in. I could not tell you what anyone else was doing at that moment, for either child. But I have locked forever in my memory the sound of my husband blowing his nose because he was crying, while I watched my first son's face wash from purple to pink, and he opened his mouth to make his first, sweet, mellow, gentlemanly cry, hot and slippery on my stomach. And with Brendan, I can still feel the surprising heat of his foot against my leg as he rested a moment before being put on my belly, and the weight of my husband's hand on him, on me, just before he peed all over me - and the jiggle of his head as I laughed. In neither memory are any of the others imminent, important, present as more than mere scenery. I can see them in my mind's eye as fragments in my peripheral view, colors and shapes, but immaterial to the moment, even if some of them were instrumental in acheiving it.

As for the living with parents thing - I'd go for practical, if there aren't other issues present. I lived with my mom for a while, off and on. When it made sense to do so, I did. I also paid rent and fed myself. It was an adult arrangement, IMHO, and that makes a difference - I wasn't living on her dime, letting her do the figuring and the budgeting and so forth. But I also know people for whom it would not be an issue of independance to let their parents foot the bills, because of the particulars of their relationship - they'd accept it as gift, graciously offered, and meant kindly.

(or, in short, 'what Avalonian said')

[gwendee]

About a week past my son's due date I had a scheduled Dr. visit and then we were going shopping. The Dr. said "go across the hall to L&D, you're having that baby today." So...my mom was there. She was only in the labor room ,though. In the actual delivery room it was just staff and my (now ex-) husband. And really once he arrived Mom spent most of the time in the waiting room and just came in to make sure no one needed a sandwich or a sweater or any other motherly things.

When both my sister and I were born our mom had general anesthesia. She had plenty of comments to share regarding why that seemed more sensible to her.

[Guinastasia]

We were also told that she wouldn't cry, or make any kind of vocalizations for a while, about two seconds before she belted out a high volume yell. She's never been much for doing what's expected. I'm pretty sure we're not gonna be bored, or well rested for that matter, for a lotta years to come.


Skeezix-sounds like me. My mom said the very SECOND my head was fully out I started yelling at the top of my lungs.

:o

[MamaHen]

I had my Mother and my sister in the room when both of my children were born. I wouldn't even THINK about having my husband in the room. First, he would faint and second he would have had problems seeing me in that much pain. I loved having my Mom and sister with me though. I was there when my niece and nephew were born and so was my Mom. I can't imagine going through something as hard as labor without having the total loving support of the two women who mean the most to me in my life.

[Moirai]

Originally posted by hedra

but by then, if a busload of frat boys had been handy, I'd have invited them in, too. It was just too cool not to share.

YES!!! I'm with you!

:D

Like I said before, we had a big ol' birthing party in my LDR room. And I would do it again. In fact, I just might!