I’m sorry I interfered with your eavesdropping.

[bayonet1976]

What was I thinking?

Here I was, walking through the store with my sister, yapping away in the mix of English and Spanish that we use, although this time, since my sister had just returned from a trip to Cuba we talked mostly in Spanish. She was telling me about her trip through the island, the people she’d visited, the places she’d seen, and I was so engrossed in the conversation I didn’t notice you trying to eavesdrop in our conversation. That was inexcusably self-centered. Well, maybe not inexcusably, many things are excusable, for instance I excused the sneer you gave me as you passed by us. I just assumed you’d had stroke or some other malady that had twisted your face into a parody of a Greek theater mask. And since I did not know at the time that your sneering was caused by my own insensitive actions, I hastily put the disturbing image of your twisted, goat’s ass of a face from my thoughts.

I must say though that I applaud your thoughtful, though subtle efforts to make us correct our faux pas. There was that time by the meat section when you quite audibly tsk-tsk’d as we passed by, sadly your hint was as deep as the crack between your enormous ass cheeks, and we failed to take notice. It is quite understandable then that when we were standing by the cash register, obviously getting ready to leave, you finally decided that more direct action was needed. I admit I was somewhat taken aback by your approach, not that I fault you for it, we had clearly left you no choice but to wag your stubby finger at us and proclaim for all the world to hear, “Why can’t you people speak English? This is America! If you can’t speak the language just go back where you came from!” Ah, the poetry of it still grips my heart, your ability to wrest from the muses such a lyrical statement in the seconds it took to waddle over to us is a tribute to the many years you must have spent finishing the third grade.

And here I must pause for a minute to praise your stunning fashion sense. While it is true that the current fashion trend of wearing low riding blue jeans with a short t-shirt is usually seen in much younger, shapelier women, you brought a certain sausage-like quality to the look that a less generously proportioned woman could never have achieved.

Now, along with the apology in the title of this post I must add an apology on behalf of my sister. You see, she’s not as even tempered as me, being younger she still has not grown out of her Hot Tempered Latin phase. While I smiled politely and got ready to thank you for your thoughtful and kind reproach I noticed a wave of heat coming from the general direction of my sister. It seems that, due to her recent return from Cuba, she was inadvertently carrying an overcharge of emotional tension, which she then completely involuntarily unloaded on you. I assure you, she does not really think you are a “skanky busybody”, or an “asshole who should mind her own business”, nor does she really think that “this is a free country bitch, if you don’t like it you should move YOUR ass to Cuba.” Well, maybe that last one she really does believe, but I hope you don’t fault her for it.

A final thought, while I do love the English language, I also love Spanish, and frankly there are some things that just don’t sound the same in English. For instance, if I were to call you a shit-eater, while what I’m saying is obviously clear, it just isn’t the same as calling you a “comemierda”, specially if I take the time to really roll that “r”. Or if, God forbid, I were ever to say to you “Hija de puta resingada, me cago en la puta madre que te cago”, I would feel so much better that if I had said “Son of a twice fucked bitch, I shit on the whore of a mother that shat you”.

[BoBettie]

Son of a twice fucked bitch, I shit on the whore of a mother that shat you”.
::scribbles furiously::

Hey, thanks for that one! Sorry you encountered an asshole like that.

[Fin_man]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
Or if, God forbid, I were ever to say to you “Hija de puta resingada, me cago en la puta madre que te cago”, I would feel so much better that if I had said “Son of a twice fucked bitch, I shit on the whore of a mother that shat you”.

Far be it from me to question a hot-blooded Latin person, is not "Hija de puta resingada" a "Daughter of a twice fucked bitch"? It's been a while since I took Spanish but I thought hija is daughter and hijo is son.

However, I'm sorry that you had to suffer the stupidity of a bigoted monoglot

[Neurotik]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
You see, she’s not as even tempered as me, being younger she still has not grown out of her Hot Tempered Latin phase.
Mmmmm...hot tempered Latin phase.

Where does your sister live again?

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by Fin_man
Far be it from me to question a hot-blooded Latin person, is not "Hija de puta resingada" a "Daughter of a twice fucked bitch"? It's been a while since I took Spanish but I thought hija is daughter and hijo is son.

You of course are completely right, or as my sister would say "mira cacho the cabron...".

[PoorYorick]

Man, I've always thought that Spanish had it all over English when it came to articulate, imaginative swearing. Unfortunately, my rudimentary college Spanish prevented me from ever saying more that the obligatory "pendejo," "ronoso," "puta," whatever. A friend of mine used a Spanish insult (not to me, of course) that sounded particularly poetic. When I asked him what it meant, it was something like, "I have a sufficiency and an excess to make all your female relatives scream in both pain and delight."

Man, that's swearing.

By the way, excellent post.

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by Neurotik
Mmmmm...hot tempered Latin phase.

Where does your sister live again?

Sadly for you she's married and off the market, but then again, her husband is now eating my mom's cooking 3 or 4 times a week. I'd give him a year, maybe two, before his heart explodes from a massive overdose of fat.

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by PoorYorick
Man, I've always thought that Spanish had it all over English when it came to articulate, imaginative swearing. Unfortunately, my rudimentary college Spanish prevented me from ever saying more that the obligatory "pendejo," "ronoso," "puta," whatever. A friend of mine used a Spanish insult (not to me, of course) that sounded particularly poetic. When I asked him what it meant, it was something like, "I have a sufficiency and an excess to make all your female relatives scream in both pain and delight."

Man, that's swearing.

By the way, excellent post.

Thanks, I do enjoy busting out the insult-o-meter once in a while. And it's specially rewarding when it's between Cuban friends. This is a common and accepted practice, as long as mothers, or any female relatives for that matter, are left out. My father loved to drink, and one New Year's eve one of his brothers told him something, I don't know what, that pissed him off his reply had me on the floor laughing. So much so I made it my sig here, although I never use it. It was:

"Me cago en el año nuevo, me cago en año viejo, me cago en el arbolito, y me cago en tí."

Or:

"I shit on the new year, I shit on the old year, I shit on the Christmass tree, and I shit on you."

Poetry, escatological poetry, but poetry nonetheless.

[ivylass]

What did Twice Shat Ill-Dressed Woman say after your sister unloaded on her?

Which, by the way, was a true jewel of a curse.

[Lobsang]

Assholes make the world go brown

[Opengrave]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
“Son of a twice fucked bitch, I shit on the whore of a mother that shat you”. Someone has been watching too many Iraqi Information Minister re-runs.
Infidels!
All of you!

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by ivylass
What did Twice Shat Ill-Dressed Woman say after your sister unloaded on her?

Which, by the way, was a true jewel of a curse.

I don't think she was prepared for my sister to be able to understand her, to this point she probably had only heard her speak Spanish. After my sister was finished with her tirade and finger wagging, I grabbed her by the shoulders and ushered her out of there, and as near as I could tell the helpful lady just stood there with her arms on her hips looking a little lost.

By the way, I see you're in Orlando(ish), this happened in the Publix on Sand Lake Road an Dr. Phillips Blvd. So watch out for a befuddled looking woman mumbling abour "furriners" in that area.

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by Opengrave
Someone has been watching too many Iraqi Information Minister re-runs.
Infidels!
All of you!

You know, funny you should mention that, whenever I watched that guy I always got the feeling that he was translating literal insults from Arabic, not making up English ones. Which probably means that Arabic is another one of those languages that are wonderful for swearing. Not surprising, considering Spanish/Arabic cultures spent some 800 years intertwined.

[Guinastasia]

No way-the best swears are Russian. Man, are they ever FILTHY!!!

[Zenster]

I'll back Guin (part-way) on the Russian epithets.

It's pretty hard to beat an insult that translates to:

"One who is scraped off of the sheets with a spoon."


PS: Excellent rant by the way. Two thumbs way up (the old lady's butt, that is).

[green_bladder]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
[B]"Me cago en el año nuevo, me cago en año viejo, me cago en el arbolito, y me cago en tí."
[B]

My mom's favourite is 'cago en tu leche' (I shit in your milk), adding the usual pendejo, cabron, pichacorta or coño at the end.

:D

Man, I've gotta check out some Russian insults...

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by green_bladder
My mom's favourite is 'cago en tu leche' (I shit in your milk), adding the usual pendejo, cabron, pichacorta or coño at the end.

:D

Man, I've gotta check out some Russian insults...

green_bladder is your mom spanish? Swearing on milk, meaning of course "mother's milk", is very popular there. So much so that, to save time I guess, many times this is shortened to just "leche", and everyone still knows what you mean.

[ivylass]

Originally posted by bayonet1976

By the way, I see you're in Orlando(ish), this happened in the Publix on Sand Lake Road an Dr. Phillips Blvd. So watch out for a befuddled looking woman mumbling abour "furriners" in that area.

I work right down the street from there!! And where were you for Orlandope, hmmmm???????

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by ivylass
I work right down the street from there!! And where were you for Orlandope, hmmmm???????

Hey, nearly neighbors, at least for a bit. I'm moving to Jacksonville, which I'm going to use as an excuse for missing the Orlandope, yeah that's it I was house shopping, that's it, that's the ticket.

[Knowed Out]

Didn't Cecil write a column about the world's best epithets? I think the 2 best were in Spanish. One was something like "I shit on the five wounds of Christ" and the other was along the lines of "Fuck Christ , fuck his whore of a mother, and fuck the son of a whore who built his cross." I'm sure someone who loves digging into archives will find that article for us.

[SanibelMan]

This would be great if someone went back to that Publix, saw the woman, and said, "Hey! You're the sausage that insulted that woman for speaking Spanish! You're famous now - you're on the Internet!" :D

[tdn]

By far the best ethnic insult I have seen is the Czech "I'll burn down your fish pond."

No, I have no idea why it's bad, but I know it is.

[JeffB]

Originally posted by Knowed Out
Didn't Cecil write a column about the world's best epithets? I think the 2 best were in Spanish. One was something like "I shit on the five wounds of Christ" and the other was along the lines of "Fuck Christ , fuck his whore of a mother, and fuck the son of a whore who built his cross." I'm sure someone who loves digging into archives will find that article for us. That would be Do other languages have obscenities like those of English? (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_238.html).

[Baldwin]

Man, I gotta learn Spanish; apparently I've forgotten most of what I picked up as a boy in Texas. Sorry about the sausage woman, but I'd say she's more to be pitied than censured.

[green_bladder]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
green_bladder is your mom spanish? Swearing on milk, meaning of course "mother's milk", is very popular there. So much so that, to save time I guess, many times this is shortened to just "leche", and everyone still knows what you mean.

She's half-Spanish. I never knew about all this leche business, though. I hope I won't be asking for trouble when I go to Spain next and ask for un vaso de leche. :D

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by green_bladder
She's half-Spanish. I never knew about all this leche business, though. I hope I won't be asking for trouble when I go to Spain next and ask for un vaso de leche. :D

You should be ok, but watch the inflection. If you say "leche" to someone with the same tone or inflection that you would say "asshole", they're gonna know.

[matt_mcl]

KnowedOut and JeffB, the insults to which you refer are not Spanish, but Catalan. (Mecagum en les cinq llagues de Crist! and Mecagum Deu, en la creu, en el fuster que la feu, i en el fill de puta que va plantar el pi!)

[ivylass]

Originally posted by bayonet1976
Hey, nearly neighbors, at least for a bit. I'm moving to Jacksonville, which I'm going to use as an excuse for missing the Orlandope, yeah that's it I was house shopping, that's it, that's the ticket.

Then you'll be there for North Florida Dope, right, this Saturday?

I won't make it, I'm afraid. Damn, I was hoping you could give us a lecture on Ideal Cursing in Spanish for All Social Occasions.

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by ivylass
Then you'll be there for North Florida Dope, right, this Saturday?

I won't make it, I'm afraid. Damn, I was hoping you could give us a lecture on Ideal Cursing in Spanish for All Social Occasions.

Sadly, and I do mean sadly, this weekend I'll be lugging several thousand pounds of furniture and boxes from a moving truck into the new and improved Bayonet Fortress of Not Quite Solitude.

And as for those Spanish cursing lessons, who you really want is my sister, she of the Hot Latin Temper. And having just returned from Cuba she has some gems that were even new to ME.

[bayonet1976]

Originally posted by matt_mcl
KnowedOut and JeffB, the insults to which you refer are not Spanish, but Catalan. (Mecagum en les cinq llagues de Crist! and Mecagum Deu, en la creu, en el fuster que la feu, i en el fill de puta que va plantar el pi!)

I should add that, while not disputing the Catalan origin of this poetic masterpiece, during the Franco years Catalan was outlawed in Spain, so when I originally heard this curse, with an addition or two, it was in Spanish.

[cuauhtemoc]

Well [b]bayonet1976[/i], I may not be able to marry your sister, as she's already taken, but please tell her that she's my hero. You weren't even talking to the nosy bitch, what the hell does she care what language you're speaking? Nobody should get away with behavior like that. She deserved what she got.

[Eva Luna]

bayonet1976, when you get the chance, I would sooooo love a thread on colorful curses in foreign languages (with translations, of course, so as not to piss off the mods). Maybe your sister will contribute? (In the interest of international understanding, of course!) I’ll try and collect some in Russian from a co-worker, and from a bunch of Russian-speaking friends and acquaintances I will see later tonight. I speak both languages, but I’m not a native speaker of either, and cursing and other slang have always been my weak spots.

Besides, it’s been pretty crappy at my job lately too (yay Homeland Security!), so I’m feeling the need for some new and zingy vocab in this department. Anyone else who wants to contribute, of course, go right ahead! The more creative and colorful, the better.

Oh, and that crazy woman was completely out of line. Although, I must say, one of my favorite hobbies is eavesdropping on people who think nobody understands them, because of course nobody in major U.S. metro areas speaks a foreign language. Hmmmm, maybe I’ll start a thread like that…

[Monty]

A while back some jackass overheard some folks speaking in a language obviously not English, and then said jackass turned to me and asked, "Why don't they go back where they come from?" Apparently he thought I'd have the same feeling. Bayonet, I wish you and the fool who intruded on y'all had been there for me to tell the jackass that I came from Germany.

[Shodan]

FYI, the correct response to "Why don't you go back where you came from?" is "Why don't you crawl up your own ass and do the same?"

Regards,
Shodan

[Rilchiam]

Originally posted by Knowed Out
Didn't Cecil write a column about the world's best epithets? I think the 2 best were in Spanish. One was something like "I shit on the five wounds of Christ" and the other was along the lines of "Fuck Christ , fuck his whore of a mother, and fuck the son of a whore who built his cross." I'm sure someone who loves digging into archives will find that article for us.

Nah, I liked the Farsi one. Guz bi rishit: "May a fart be on your beard." Darn shame that JeffB's link doesn't include the Signorino illustration, but you can see it in whatever book reprinted the column (Return of the Straight Dope?).

[Rilchiam]

Now, as far as being overheard and understood when you're talking something other than English...

I read this on The Smoking Gun. Apparently it's some kind of revelation that JFK got it on with an intern...well, for what it's worth, TSG posted a transcript of an interview with a woman who knew a lot about goings-on in the Kennedy White House. She told of an incident in which a friend of Jackie's was visiting from Paris. Jackie was showing him around the White House, and, when they encountered this young woman, said, in French, "This is the girl who supposedly is sleeping with my husband."

According to this source, the guest was taken aback by this, and the source herself said, "No matter how little French you know, and I know this young lady knew some, I certainly would recognize a few words like 'sleep' and 'girl' and 'my husband'!" The source seemed to take it for granted that Mrs. Kennedy did not want the intern to know what she'd said.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there yelling, "You moron! She was being catty! She wanted the intern to know she was being talked about; it was meant to be an insult, not some kind of secret code!"

[Beagle]

Someone got bent about you speaking Spanish in Orlando?!

Funny how two people can react so differently to the same things. Here, a growing hispanic population. I was thinking about taking some Spanish lessons. Not that I need them, just for something fun to do. What a bitch.

[Lynn Bodoni]

I would sooooo love a thread on colorful curses in foreign languages (with translations, of course, so as not to piss off the mods).

Nope, we're not going there.

Lynn

[calm kiwi]

May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders :D

[Lynn Bodoni]

OK, we're not going to have a thread on colorful curses in English, either.

Lynn