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View Full Version : Surefire way to make yourself pee.


Guybud5
07-13-2003, 01:57 AM
This is GUYBUD5 opens up his vulnerable inner side time:

I am active duty military, and with that comes the periodic uninalysis testing.

The military wants to be damn sure that I'm not trying anything funny, so there is someone watching the entire thing from the moment I'm handed the cup, through the unzipping, whizzing, and rezipping, and to the moment I hand the cup back.

Unfortunately, I get a bit... uh... "gunshy"

Somehow, no matter how horrible the urge to go is, when someone is watching me a tense up, and nary a drop is seen.

Would any of the awesome Teeming Millions know a pretty sure method for making myself release my yellow proof of teetotalerity for the eyes of the USAF?

- Let me also point out that this is not a prudish thing. I really don't care who sees my Johnny Rocket, and would much rather just piss and be done with it.

Zeldar
07-13-2003, 02:30 AM
If you have a clue in advance that you're going to be tested, drink oodles of water or your favorite beverage. If you have time to see a 2-hour movie, that ought to work.

If none of that applies, have them turn on a faucet in whatever nearby receptacle is handy.

If none of that applies, try sneezing, coughing and farting at the same time.

hajario
07-13-2003, 02:36 AM
Try closing you eyes and relaxing.

Haj

GusNSpot
07-13-2003, 02:37 AM
The water running plus shut your eyes and think about something else. Relax your legs as much as you can Practice with someone you know at home or just try to go in the barracks while other guys are in the Loo also.

Casey1505
07-13-2003, 02:52 AM
2 cups of coffee does it for me.

JRootabega
07-13-2003, 06:49 AM
Swishing around some Listerine until my eyes water always makes me need to pee.

Desmostylus
07-13-2003, 07:06 AM
Six pack of beer. That should do it. ;)

cadolphin
07-13-2003, 07:10 AM
I had to have an ultrasound once and had to have a full bladder. What they told me was to drink as much soda pop as I could. I'm no medical expert so don't take this as gospel truth or anything but from what I gathered, there's something about soda pop fills up the bladder quickly.

I remember wondering if it would be possible to hold it until they were finished with the ultrasound.

dgs212
07-13-2003, 08:06 AM
Originally posted by cadolphin
I'm no medical expert so don't take this as gospel truth or anything but from what I gathered, there's something about soda pop fills up the bladder quickly.


Soda contains caffeine, which has powerful diuretic properties. Unless of course it's de-caffeinated soda.

Mammie
07-13-2003, 08:10 AM
Drink lots of iced tea. It makes me go lots more than Coke.

cadolphin
07-13-2003, 08:19 AM
Originally posted by dgs212
Soda contains caffeine, which has powerful diuretic properties. Unless of course it's de-caffeinated soda.

That was it. It had to be caffeine. They didn't care if it was diet or regular coke so long as it was coke.

Kathy

sailor
07-13-2003, 09:44 AM
Drink all that coke but wait until you are about to explode. When you absolutely cannot wait, then wait a bit more. Then tell the "inspector" you are ready and go pee. If you still have shy bladder at that point I don't know what to say. Maybe practice this a few times. I never really understood people with shy bladder but obviously it must be a puritanical hangup.

green_bladder
07-13-2003, 09:47 AM
Imagine waterfalls.

Revtim
07-13-2003, 10:06 AM
Since he said "no matter how horrible the urge to go is" he has this problem, most of these suggestions are worthless.

I also have a shy bladder, and the way I overcome it is to not think about peeing while I'm trying to pee. I never had to pee in front of someone, but I have the problem just when there's someone on the urinal next to me.

So, if there's a person in the next pisser, and I realize I'm having trouble starting the stream, I think about the things in my life I'm having trouble with, the stuff I usually try not to obsess about. This takes my mind off the immediate task, and then I find myself lettin' go with the yellow flow.

Good luck.

green_bladder
07-13-2003, 10:06 AM
Originally posted by green_bladder
Imagine waterfalls.

Brought to you by the guy named green_bladder ;)

ski
07-13-2003, 10:18 AM
I have the same problem, and I've found that just being well-hydrated seems to speed things along. Which you should be doing anyway. If I'm drinking a lot of water each day anyway, there's no anxiety. Maybe the effects are more pronounced when dehydrated?

Desmostylus
07-13-2003, 10:19 AM
Something that may work (besides the six-pack - that really will work):

Calculate powers of 2 in your head. 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256...

If that's too hard, do the 7 times table, then the 8 times table, etc.

It's supposed to work as a distraction.

monstro
07-13-2003, 11:32 AM
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

Iguana Boy
07-13-2003, 12:53 PM
Originally posted by GusNSpot
Practice with someone you know at home.

Of course, getting caught doing this could get you into a little more trouble than failing to provide a specimen for testing..... :D

Harriet the Spry
07-13-2003, 01:16 PM
Read some fairly neutral non-fiction. This should help psychologically, although I'm not sure how you'll do it logistically.

hermann
07-13-2003, 01:34 PM
Tea works wonders. Remember that Indian who drowned in his teapee?

YiBaiYuan
07-13-2003, 02:00 PM
Guybud5, with the hand you're using to hold yourself, wiggle your thumb back and forth along the top of the shaft behind the head with moderate pressure. This will bring your focus from those around you back to the task at hand, and the physical stimulation should trigger a release of the clenched muscles. Good luck!

jjpet
07-13-2003, 02:22 PM
Being near a coffee maker while it percolates may help. Between hearing it and smelling the coffee... the power of suggestion is pretty strong.

jjpet
07-13-2003, 02:27 PM
There's also some trick that nurses and lab techs use to get babies to pee, where they stroke/tickle the kidney area. Whoever is asking for the urine sample may know how this works.

medstar
07-13-2003, 03:04 PM
I thought that when you had to provide a sample for urinalysis, that you were provided privacy in the stall unless tester had a good reason to believe that you needed to be closely watched. I suppose this is no longer the case?

daniel801
07-13-2003, 03:50 PM
Flush the toilet a couple of times.

panache45
07-13-2003, 04:59 PM
Strangely, what works for me is to relax my anus muscles, keep them relaxed, and bear down. You might fart, but keep those muscles relaxed anyway, and keep bearing down. The only drawback is that if you also have to shit, that might come out too.

Similar to natural childbirth.

robcaro
07-13-2003, 05:09 PM
I had a physical exam for work at American Airlines in 1998 and they made me strip down to my skin, gave me a cup and put me in a stall to pee. Anything that came out had to be mine because there was no way to cheat on that scenario. And, I had privacy that allowed me to pee freely without any embarrasment.

Tamex
07-13-2003, 06:08 PM
Originally posted by medstar
I thought that when you had to provide a sample for urinalysis, that you were provided privacy in the stall unless tester had a good reason to believe that you needed to be closely watched. I suppose this is no longer the case?

Well, the OP did say that he was in the military. Are there any civilian situations where they watch you give a sample without cause of suspicion? I had a pre-employment drug screening recently, and I had privacy there.

My problem always is not being able to give a sample during an appointment because I just don't have to go. What was so great about this place is that it was a walk-in clinic...I sat around my house drinking iced tea, and once I felt like I had to go, I got in my car and drove over there! I filled that cup with no problem.

rowrrbazzle
07-13-2003, 06:23 PM
Originally posted by dgs212
Soda contains caffeine, which has powerful diuretic properties.Untrue. http://www.news.uconn.edu/rel02087.htm : Caffeine consumption causes a mild diuresis very similar to that of water. (Water, when consumed in large volume, increases urine output)...

A person who regularly consumes caffeine has a higher tolerance to the diuretic effect

robby
07-13-2003, 07:26 PM
I was active-duty Navy for over ten years. Throw in four years of NROTC, and that's 14 years of hell I went through every time I had to do a piss test.

I'll never forget the first one. It was a ten hour ordeal. I drank water, coffee, cola, and juice until I was ready to explode. However, every time the Master-at-Arms (MAA) showed up to administer the test, my whole urinary tract just clamped down.

(BTW, the Navy protocol is for the examiner to have the examinee in his sight throughout the act of filling the cup.)

Anyway, I was getting seriously worried that my bladder was going to rupture or something. And the longer the ordeal went on, and the more pissed-off the MAA got at me, the worse it got. Finally, the old guy took pity on me. He searched me for any contraband and let me go into a stall. The floodgates opened.

I knew I couldn't count on this every time, so I was just dreading future tests. During initial training, some were scheduled, always first thing in the morning. I would get up an hour early (at 0430) and make sure I was first in line. Being groggy and half-asleep got me through a bunch of tests.

Later on, as I rose in rank, I wasn't in line with 50 other people. I would just let the examiner know I was "gun-shy." The examiner would generally keep me in eyesight, but give me a bit more elbow room. This sometimes helped.

Other things that helped included running faucets, or repeatedly flushing the urinal. Nevertheless, sometimes it still turned into an ordeal.

Best suggestion I've got: My wife, a nurse, told me that oil of peppermint is sometimes used to stimulate urination in women after giving birth. She got me some, and I used to take a good whiff right before the test. I also popped a peppermint candy in my mouth right before the test. It may have just been psychological, but it helped me get through the last four years' worth of tests.

ThomasJB
10-30-2015, 11:25 AM
The breath hold technique worked for me - apparently "science says that this slow breathing helps ease the tension in the body and allows you to calm down and let go so that you’re able to pee"

There's an art to it - read about it here: http://www.shybladdersyndrome.org/shy-bladder-tips-that-help-to-defeat-the-syndrome/does-breath-hold-practice-really-work-for-paruresis/

Hope that may help?

kaylasdad99
10-30-2015, 11:36 AM
Possibly for someone, but the OP was dishonorably discharged from the Navy in 2003 for failing to provide a urinalysis sample.

Nice going.

Also, welcome to the Dope. :)

BubbaDog
10-30-2015, 11:51 AM
He finally gets to pee after a 12 year wait. Grab some life vests and pray the surge won't kill you.

gnoitall
10-30-2015, 11:55 AM
The breath hold technique worked for me - apparently "science says that this slow breathing helps ease the tension in the body and allows you to calm down and let go so that you’re able to pee"

There's an art to it - read about it here: http://www.shybladdersyndrome.org/shy-bladder-tips-that-help-to-defeat-the-syndrome/does-breath-hold-practice-really-work-for-paruresis/

Hope that may help?Welcome, belatedly, to the piss party.

On a related note, I'm gobsmacked there's actually a website for "shy bladder syndrome".

And then I'm gobsmacked that I'm gobsmacked by anything on the web, because the web. :smack:

lieu
10-30-2015, 12:00 PM
He finally gets to pee after a 12 year wait. Grab some life vests and pray the surge won't kill you.Unattended firehose.

If memory serves there was another thread along the same lines several years ago and someone, perhaps the good doctor(?), said there's a muscle controlling that region and after holding your breath the lack of oxygen may cause it to release at some point. Now that's an extreme oversimplication but I believe it conveys the concept in general.

jtur88
10-30-2015, 12:25 PM
Turn on the water tap and hold your hand in luke warm running water.

You might also report this to the staff shrink, and try to get a written dispensation from him that will authorize you to pee in private. It's a pretty common condition that the shrink will be fully aware of.

Little Nemo
10-30-2015, 12:30 PM
I think the important point here is that the breath holding method will work if you keep at it long enough. So don't be one of those people who give up after only ten years.

Atamasama
10-30-2015, 12:34 PM
There's a restaurant in Seattle called Ikon, in the bathroom they have videos on loop above every urinal showing waterfalls, rivers, fire hoses, busted hydrants, sprinklers, etc. All set to "Ride of the Valkyries". It helps.

teela brown
10-30-2015, 02:00 PM
My favorite method is to close my eyes and imagine that I'm in my own bathroom at home, alone. This causes me to relax and let go.

The Great Sun Jester
10-30-2015, 02:58 PM
There is, I believe, a chemical in automotive hand cleaners (Go-Jo, Goop, et.al) which induces an immediate need to urinate upon contact. The effect is magnified in direct proportion to the coldness of the air in the garage, the abundance of grime on the hands, and one's tendency to "turtle".

kanicbird
10-30-2015, 03:10 PM
1: bring that up wit the tester, you are not the only one.

2: If needed think of pissing on him or the person who is insisting on it, you got to do what you got to do. This is the karmic effect of what they are inflicting on you. This is karmic payback on them.

boffking
10-30-2015, 03:14 PM
If the OP,hasn't peed in 12 years he needs to see a doctor.

ekedolphin
10-30-2015, 03:31 PM
The breath hold technique worked for me - apparently "science says that this slow breathing helps ease the tension in the body and allows you to calm down and let go so that you’re able to pee"

There's an art to it - read about it here: http://www.shybladdersyndrome.org/shy-bladder-tips-that-help-to-defeat-the-syndrome/does-breath-hold-practice-really-work-for-paruresis/

Hope that may help?

I do not want to know what you were searching for that caused this 12-year-old thread to pop up in your search results.

Leo Bloom
10-30-2015, 05:39 PM
I was active-duty Navy for over ten years. Throw in four years of NROTC, and that's 14 years of hell I went through every time I had to do a piss test...

I take it robby wasn't in special ops, cause then being in the military is really hard.
..the OP was dishonorably discharged from the Navy in 2003 for failing to provide a urinalysis sample...
Not this guy, from Wiki US Navy? https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e0/US_Navy_111215-N-FI736-186_Engineman_2nd_Class_Nick_Gall_discharges_a_potable_water_hose_in_preparation_to_connect_Arleigh_ Burke-class_guided-missi.jpg

TSBG
10-30-2015, 11:27 PM
i imagine pissing in Scalia's face. Never fails.

Colibri
11-01-2015, 01:28 AM
i imagine pissing in Scalia's face. Never fails.

Moderator Warning

TSBG, you've been around long enough to know that political jabs are not permitted in GQ. This is an official warning. Do not do this again.

Colibri
General Questions Moderator

up_the_junction
11-01-2015, 05:35 AM
I think every professional athlete - from Olympic champions to soccer players - would like to know the answer to this: imagine the frustration of winning a Gold medal and then spending hours in doping control.

Siam Sam
11-01-2015, 05:50 AM
Do zombies pee?

I once read doing something mathematical in your mind will work. Something about the part of the brain keeping you from peeing is also distracted by math. I now do that myself, and it has never failed me. Always multiply my 3s -- 3x3=9, 9x3=27, 27x3=81, and by that time it's usually flowing, but occasionally I need to get up to 81x3=243 but have never had to go beyond that. Try it.