Pitting my best friend, regarding birthdays

[Incubus]

My friend's birthday was on September 12th. I thought it would be nice to show him how much I cared, and so took the day off work just so we could take him out to lunch and to an animation festival. I opted to be the designated driver and pretty much wound up paying for the whole day (none of the other guests have gotten around to paying me back :mad: ). I made it a priority to celebrate my friend's birthday, after all, it only comes once a year.

I'm not expecting them to do anything for me. However during lunch I commented to them that my own birthday was a mere two weeks away (September 26th). I had noted that I had to work that weekend, but had friday off. I mentioned to them that I had that day off work, if anything to invite them over to my house to hang out.

Well, I found out my friend was planning on going out on a date with a girl he had been set up with. However, he's going out with her on the day of my birthday :eek: and him and his other friends agreed that there is no way he's canceling. This really made me feel hurt, particuarly after all the lengths me and some other friends went to preparing his birthday.

Some people don't think much of birthdays, just another day, but I like birthdays, both other people's and my own. With friends, its a grey way to celebrate how much you care for them. Lately I've been spending less and less time with my friend, because both of us have work, and I have work and have to study on the weekends, and that just makes it worse.

[Ferret Herder]

I feel for you, but it is terribly rude to cancel plans previously made with someone in favor of going to see someone else instead. Imagine how she would have felt at hearing about why the date was being broken/moved.

You say that you didn't expect them to do anything for you, but it kind of sounds like you do. No, some people don't place a lot of emphasis on birthdays, and it can be difficult for them to understand others who do. I'm sorry that this friend isn't up to doing anything on your birthday, though.

[Shade]

It may or may not be appropriate, but you can organise something yourself. It may be that your friend cares less about you, but it may be that he's just a bit hopeless about birthdays, or this date means a lot to him for some reason he's too embarassed to tell you, or something.

It's up to you.

And it's OK to be bitter - that's what the pit (and friends) are for :D

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

(gosh, I'm zen tonight)

[Incubus]

Originally posted by Ferret Herder
I feel for you, but it is terribly rude to cancel plans previously made with someone in favor of going to see someone else instead. Imagine how she would have felt at hearing about why the date was being broken/moved.

You say that you didn't expect them to do anything for you, but it kind of sounds like you do. No, some people don't place a lot of emphasis on birthdays, and it can be difficult for them to understand others who do. I'm sorry that this friend isn't up to doing anything on your birthday, though.

He knew when the date of my birthday was, and he also knew that it would conflict with my birthday. But he went ahead and did it anyway. My weekend is busy, and after that point any celebration will have a 'belated' feel to it.

[lezlers]

Little advice to live by:

Never have high expectations for your birthday. Every birthday of mine since I can remember, has sucked. Wanna know why? Because I always thought it should be great. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

I'm usually an optimist, cept for my dreaded birthday.

:(

[Miller]

One birthday, I wanted to have a big party with all my friends. I invited about fifteen, twenty people. Five showed. Of the five, one arrived early and left early, three arrived late and left early, and one arrived very late and left even later. At no time were there more than three guests at my party. I spent most of it alone, working on a jigsaw puzzle. Of the Titanic, just to make things extra depressing.

Next year, I did the same thing. And everybody showed up.

I guess what I'm saying is, better luck next year.

[The Great Unwashed]

Originally posted by Miller
Next year, I did the same thing. And everybody showed up.

Only to look at the weird guy who would do a jigsaw puzzle on his birthday!

[DogMom]

Yep, I feel for you. I've organized birthday parties (surprise and non) for friends and relatives, and have come to the conclusion that ANY party I want to have regarding my birthday will be a total NON-surprise to me because I am gonna have to do it.
I've worked at places where, on someone's birthday, the WHOLE GROUP took the "birthday person" out for lunch on their birthday. Yup. Until my birthday hit. Because THAT was the year that "Cinco de Mayo" first became "big" in the Detroit area. I actually got TOLD "oh...um...we were gonna take you out for your birthday, but Chi-Chi's is having DOLLAR MARGARITAS today. You can come if you like...oh, that's right, you can't eat anything they have...well...um...SORRY."

Another place I worked at, a small group of people organized "birthday parties" for EVERYONE in our department. Taking out for lunch, or a "carry-in" (potluck) lunch, or a cake, or gifts, or cards, or any combination thereof. Except. Guess whose? I helped organize several of these parties, brought in extra food for one of the potlucks when it appeared that a few people forgot, kicked in money for the cakes, kicked in money for gifts, cards, whatever.
Evidently the "organizers" decided somewhere in the flurry of birthdays that MINE was the one that didn't need to be celebrated. For THREE YEARS STRAIGHT. It's not that they didn't know when it was, since it was marked on their "birthday calendar". I found out from one of them later that the person "in charge" of the "birthday bashes" really didn't like me, (the woman NEVER told me she had a problem with me, never said a damn thing, always acted friendly. To this day I don't know what her problem was) and chose to ignore my birthday (wouldn't even SAY "Happy Birthday" even when others rememberd and said something) every year.
Nope. I've LEARNED - you don't expect ANYTHING.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

I think it's very hard to be happy when you measure tit for tat, when it comes to birthdays or other celebrations. It's hard not to do it (god knows I struggle) but it leads to misery. I mean, I've been nursing hurt feelings for some years now because a woman who always called herself my best friend treated me so much differently than she did another friend, for the same event. She got me something very simple and moderately priced, from my registry, for my baby shower. I was delighted. However, two months later I was at a baby shower for a mutual friend and she'd gave that friend a large, gorgeous basket filled with clothes and other special gifts she'd spent weeks finding. I felt like she was making a statement, whether the meant to or not, about how much she liked us. I know I'm being a big baby. I can't help it. I have similar stories to tell about things I've done for her birthday versus what she has done for mine.

I think you'll always find inequities. I understand your hurt feelings, but I'd nurse them on your own. You sound like a fabulous celebrator of other people's birthdays, but you can't expect others to rise to your good example. They just won't, and it might not be about you, but rather how they tend to regard birthdays.

FWIW, I will have a beer for you on your birthday.

[auntie em]

Originally posted by CrankyAsAnOldMan
She got me something very simple and moderately priced, from my registry, for my baby shower. I was delighted. However, two months later I was at a baby shower for a mutual friend and she'd gave that friend a large, gorgeous basket filled with clothes and other special gifts she'd spent weeks finding.
Sorry to hijack, but perhaps:

a) The other friend hadn't registered for gifts, and

b) Basket-giving friend had bought all that stuff for YOU originally, but then thought maybe you'd rather have something from your registry, and besides

c) she's got a brother-in-law who actually stole the items in the basket when he thought his girlfriend was pregnant (turned out she'd just eaten some bad tuna), but then didn't need them and so gave them to her, which meant that giving them to you in turn would have made her feel like a cheapskate, and anyway

d) the friend to whom she DID give them lent her $10,000, which she has not yet paid back, so she was kissing up.

Ya gotta work with me, here. ;)

Inc, I feel your pain, but I'm with the others who've said that you gotta take the bull by the horns and make your own fun. Perhaps you could plan a party and invite your friend to bring his date? It's not ideal, perhaps, but then at least you'd have your friend there to share your day.

[MaggietheCat]

I have a tradition for my birthday. I call my three or four closest friends and arrange to have lunch or dinner with them separately. This way my birthday lasts for a week & I get to celebrate it the way I want. In return, I take them all out to lunch or dinner for their birthdays. I'm always the one who does the calling and the organizing, but I don't mind.

In my experience, people's good nature will often desert them in time of need. If you think that people will do things for you spontaneously it's not that likely to happen. Take charge of your own life!

[matt_mcl]

*blink*
*blink*

You just sit around and drop hints and wait for other people to organize your birthday party for you? I don't see how that wouldn't lead to a lot of disappointment.

If I want friends over for my birthday, I invite them. You know, like, "I'm celebrating my birthday on the fourteenth. Would you like to come?"

If you wanted him to do something with you for your birthday, you should have issued an invitation. Why didn't you?

Incidentally, my birthday is October 14. I will now expect you to do something, but I won't tell you what or even if I'm already doing anything or not. I'll just expect you to divine that by your powers of telepathy and/or book that date off in case anything decides to happen, which I will take no part in organizing.

[matt_mcl]

I see where you said this:

I mentioned to them that I had that day off work, if anything to invite them over to my house to hang out.

The way to invite someone is to invite them. That's not, "It's my birthday and I have Friday off." That's "It's my birthday and I have Friday off. Do you want to come around that day and hang out?"

That way, you have extended an invitation, which the person can then accept; once he has done so, it would be rude to break that invitation. It is not rude to break an invitation that was never extended.

[Bryan Ekers]

Have some birthday cheese with that whine.

[seal_cleaner]

My birthday - Last year all my friends got presents FOR EACH OTHER! They all made a big deal, but it didn't really seem to be about me. A lot of them came to visit - some that I HARDLY EVER HEAR FROM unless they want something. And my dad - don't even go there.........



Yes, I am SDMB Jesus.

[MarkofT]

I was once fired for my brithday. They gave me my card after the meeting where they announced they were cutting back the night shift.

[OpalCat]

Originally posted by Miller
One birthday, I wanted to have a big party with all my friends. I invited about fifteen, twenty people. Five showed. Of the five, one arrived early and left early, three arrived late and left early, and one arrived very late and left even later. At no time were there more than three guests at my party. I spent most of it alone, working on a jigsaw puzzle. Of the Titanic, just to make things extra depressing.

Next year, I did the same thing. And everybody showed up.

I guess what I'm saying is, better luck next year.

When I turned 19 I decided to have a combination birthday/I-just-moved-back-into-town-come-see-my-new-house party. I invited everyone I knew, and a bunch of people I didn't know. I pretty much went down to the coffee house where everyone went (I do mean everyone) and told everyone when and where. I went again the night of the party to remind everyone. I passed out a map of how to get there. I bought a really fancy $25 cake because I wanted it to be special. I made food. I set out everything.

2 people came. And they weren't even there at the same time.

And I agree with the others who have said it... if I didn't plan something for my own birthday, no one would ever do it for me. I've never had anyone make anything of my birthday unless I was the one to start it. No one in the entire history of my life has ever suggested doing anything for my birthday (well ok except for when I was in elementary school and my mom planned birthday parties) you eventually get the picture and resign yourself to it.

No one gave me a bridal shower or baby shower either, incidentally.

[OpalCat]

By the way, the two best birthdays of my life have been the two where I got a bunch of dopers together. You should ditch your "real life" buds and just hang with this crowd ;)

[SkipMagic]

I just like celebrating everyone else's birthday. That's always more fun, if you ask me.

Although, truth be told, last year I managed to get a toy sword and a Burger King crown. My wife is the best--she helped me search a toy store for what seemed like hours so that I could get that sword.

It's the simple things in life, I say...

[Munch]

Guess what I got for my birthday today. My step-mother called to tell me my father's been in the hospital for 5 days now. Quit your fucking whining.

[auntie em]

Originally posted by SkipMagic
My wife is the best--she helped me search a toy store for what seemed like hours so that I could get that sword.

Yeah, but keep in mind that back then I wasn't your wife yet. In fact, I didn't even have the ring. So basically I was just schmoozing you for the rock.

Now that I have it, you might be in trouble. ;)

Ooh, take that back--no sword for you on your day might mean no CHEESE for ME on MINE!

And don't forget that I wasn't the one who found the sword . . .

[Mearl Dox]

I was sick over a friend's birthday and couldn't show for his tiny party... it wasn't much of a party, he was only inviting 3 or 4 people, but it turns out nobody came. I felt pretty guilty, although since he lives with his girlfriend it wasn't like he was *completely* alone. Then again, I'd have felt more guilty if I came over and puked on his cake...

[Sauron]

I seriously doubt this will do any good, but ...

Happy Birthday, Munch!

(Sounds like you could use some cheering up.)

[Munch]

Thanks, Sauron. It doesn't come as much of a suprise to me, and he'll probably end up with a pacemaker out of the situation. But the fact remains, I don't put a lot of value in birthdays, because as Qadgop says, "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments." Bitching about someone not doing something when you've failed to tell them what you want is assinine.

Incubus, you want to do something for your birthday? Then fucking do it already. Taking the day off for your friend's b-day was a wonderful gesture. But you're being an asshole if you expect them to do the same. Any sense of altruism you had doing that has been completely lost when you demand it from others.

[MovieMogul]

So, the OP made a big deal out of his friend's birthday. But...
Did that friend ask you to take the day off of work?
Did that friend ask you to pay for everybody?
Did that friend promise to reciprocate your efforts for your birthday?
The answer, based on the information provided, was No No No.

I hate people who make a big deal out of your birthday (when you don't ask them to), and then get all pouty-face when you don't make a big deal out of theirs. Personally, I don't give a shit about my birthday (to the point of refusing to tell people when it is), so I'm not going to make a big deal about someone else's, especially if they drop these pathetic passive-agressive "hints."

Suck it up, birthday Doper.

[Cat Whisperer]

Do what my wonderful hubby Jim did awhile back for his birthday - his family is apparently not big on celebrating stuff, so instead of sitting around moping that no one was making a big deal of his birthday, he figured out what *he* wanted to do that day, and just did it. He always takes the day off of work on his birthday, and spends it at our local zoo - I take the day off of work now too, and spend it with him at our zoo.

What I'm saying is make your own fun. You like to celebrate birthdays, figure out what would be fun for *you* on your birthday, and make it happen. Depending on other people is usually a good way to get disappointed (was that too cynical? just the loner in me talking, I guess).

[Ellis Dee]

Dates always take priority over friends. I might be relying on a friend to pick me up from the airport at midnight, but if he lands a date, bet your ass I'm cabbing it home.

To cancel a date for something as lame as a friend's birthday party? What are we, 12? Good lord.

[Geek Mecha]

Incubus and Munch, I'm sorry you both are having craptacular birthdays. FWIW, happy birthday.

[Hilarity N. Suze]

Originally posted by MarkofT
I was once fired for my brithday. They gave me my card after the meeting where they announced they were cutting back the night shift.

I was once fired on my birthday, too!

Only I'd taken the day off. My boss (who was a neurotic whiny bitch) called my house about 5:30, where my party was in full swing, and fired me!

I hung up, grabbed another glass of champagne, and said, "Hey, I've just been fired."

My friends thought I was kidding. They thought she didn't mean it.

But she did.

And yes, it was kind of a bummer when the champagne wore off . . .

[OneChance]

Bah, birthdays. Who needs'em?

Eh, what?

[Cat Whisperer]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY INCUBUS !!!!!!!!

[rekkah]

My family really don't set much store by birthdays. Last year I phoned home from abroad to say happy birthday to my mum. My dad picked up so I explained why I was calling and he passed the phone over. As we were talking I heard him say in the background "when is your birthday? Is it today?" My mum just laughed. They've been extremely happily married for thirty-five years and she really doesn't care that he forgets that sort of thing, because he's a good husband in so many other ways. I always feel a bit guilty for not organising any kind of celebration on my birthday, when most of my friends do for theirs, but being in the summer, it's hard to get everyone together and I really don't care enough to do it - it's good to get together with my friends, but I don't think my birthday is such a momentous occasion that everyone MUST be there - I'm quite happy just having a normal day. I try to remember other people's birthdays because I know they care more than me, and I don't want to upset or disappoint anyone I care about, but if I'm busy and thinking of lots of other things, I may well forget. It doesn't mean I don't care about that person.

People have all kinds of different attitudes to birthdays, and you can't assume they'll interpret your "casual hints" the way you want - no-one's telepathic. The best way to have a good birthday is to organise it yourself or to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised if someone does something.

That said: I hope your birthday improves and wish you many happy returns of the day.

[Esprix]

I feel your pain. Many of my friends have either had great birthday parties, or I've planned parties for them, and I've yet to have a real birthday party that I didn't plan, and that had more than a handful of my large group of friends show up. Just once, JUST ONCE I'd like a huge blow-out event that everyone shows up for, even travels in from out of town.

I turn 35 shortly, and I know this won't happen, although I do know my new boyfriend is planning something that I'll enjoy. And I will be happy with it. But someday...

Esprix

[Trigonal Planar]

I hate birthdays. They just represent your being one year older and one year closer to death.

that's a little harsh, but I do feel that way to a certain extent.

I never bother to celebrate my birthday.

[Weirddave]

Hey, it could be worse, at least he didn't give you a card and forget to put your name on it.

[JeffB]

Bad, Weirddave, very bad.

But very funny

[Audrey Levins]

For all the naysayers, Incubus, I will say that I personally DO feel your pain. It does suck when you take birthdays more seriously than your friends do.

I was raised to think birthdays were a really big deal; parties, presents, balloons over the bed when you woke up, your favorite cake, dinner, etc......

And it's taken me quite some time to get over the fact that This All Goes Away Once Your Mother Is No Longer Doing It. :D My last several birthdays have sucked major ass, and, like several others have said, it's mainly because of my over-achieving expectations. Mr. Levins was raised in a house that's the exact opposite...his mom would maybe make your favorite side dish for dinner, but that's about it...so he doesn't "get" birthdays at all.

And I have learned not to take it personally that he doesn't do much for me on my birthday, and he is learning to do more, for my sake.

Meanwhile, I still go a bit overboard for friends on their birthdays, just b/c I enjoy it...but that's my indulgence, not something I demand in return.

And perhaps the biggest lesson was a good friend of mine for whom I did a "birthday day." I saw her on my birthday, six months later, but she had apparently totally forgotten about it and I was too embarrassed/hurt to mention it. (She'd known it was coming b/c I had mentioned it two days prior. We work together.)

And exactly one week later, I walked into work to see a bouquet of flowers, a mini chocolate cake, a gift certificate to a salon, and a beautiful card....all laid out for me on the bar. (We both bartend, and she worked the other bar that night, and had gotten there before me to surprise me when I got there.)

She told me that she hadn't forgotten my birthday at all, but she'd had a horrible previous weekend, and had been totally broke....so she made up for it as soon as she could.

How shitty did I feel for thinking badly of her! Lesson learned.

Now I just do what I can, when I can, for my friends on their birthdays...and I know that they'll do the same. One day out of the year does not a friendship make...or break.