You, yes, you... are POPE. What now?

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

You don't have to be a cardinal to be Pope. You don't even have to be a priest. If the College of Cardinals wants YOU, Joe Nobody, then you are Pope Joe Nobody. They ordain you, advance you, and make you Pope.

So let's say this happens. Here come a whole bunch of Italian dudes in robes and funny hats. And they tell you that you, yes, you, Joe Nobody, are the direct spiritual descendant of St. Peter, and the guardian and protector of the Holy Mother Church.

So you're anointed with oil, you've now got your own funny robes, you're sitting on your papal throne, and everyone is looking at YOU. Strangely. Until you realize they want you to say something.

What. Do. You. Say?
ummm... Your Holiness...

[Kal]

I would issue a papal decree that communion shall now be carried out with pizza and beer.

[alterego]

I would immediately revoke all previous statements and written doctrine that suppress human sexuality and I would strongly encourage all catholics to express their sexuality and humanity.

This would especially including homosexuality policy, priest celibacy, and sex before marriage.

[twickster]

I'm going to DisneyLand!

[Kal]

I would also decree that Brussel Sprouts are Satanic in origin and must no longer be served as part of Christmas dinner.

[etv78]

alterego stole mine! I would also say that "I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about!" (Papal infallibility) Also:female priests. Acknowledge the validity of Evolution

[Ponder Stibbons]

Excuse me, I've got to go see some nuns about ... er ... changing their name. (They won't be known as "none"'s for long!)

[plnnr]

"Er...excuse me...where's the bathroom. I really gotta pee."

[jjimm]

I'd immediately call Vatican III. Here's my manifesto: women priests, gay priests, homosexual marriage, yes to contraception, yes to divorce, reduced beaurocracy, severe punishment to paedo clergy, transubstantiation is purely symbolic, let's talk about pro-choice, and belief in God optional.

Think I'd make it to the primaries? ;)

[Caricci]

Originally posted by jjimm
I'd immediately call Vatican III. Here's my manifesto: women priests, gay priests, homosexual marriage, yes to contraception, yes to divorce, reduced beaurocracy, severe punishment to paedo clergy, transubstantiation is purely symbolic, let's talk about pro-choice, and belief in God optional.

Think I'd make it to the primaries? ;)

Well, I'd do all that, of course, but I would just say that it's consubstantiation. I'm trying to think of a cute slogan regarding that very matter. "Communion - it just symbolizes what's for dinner". I dunno.

[jjimm]

Or the old one about the low-fat communion host:

"I can't believe it's not Jesus!"

[Gorgon Heap]

I would open a large hall in the Vatican that would serve to honor other religions and ideologies of the world to promote peace and understanding, and a unified belief in life and free will.


Ideally, I would also create a chain restaurant specializing in Jesus-shaped chicken fingers to capitalize on the transubstantiation gig.

;)

[Sir Doris]

Originally posted by jjimm
Or the old one about the low-fat communion host:

"I can't believe it's not Jesus!"

Now you've got me thinking - eating Jesus would be fine on the Atkins Diet, but a communion wafer wouldn't. Catholics should slimmer then.

Anyway. When I'm Pope:

A basket full of free condoms to be placed in the entrance to all churches/cathedrals.

Trim down the work force especially at head office. Savings can go on the poor.

All Nuns to dress properly. None of these just below the knee pinafores.

Reinstatment of the more interesting Saints. Anyone aspiring to sainthood needs to have done something interesting. Seeing a vision of Mary or being nice to the sick won't hack it under my regime.

And I shall have a squad of Camp Cardinals to send out to solve mysteries and troubleshoot and stuff.

And I'm not kissing tarmac.

[Flymaster]

Originally posted by erictelevision
Acknowledge the validity of Evolution Sorry, but ole JP2 beat you to that one quite a while ago.

As for me, I'd go out and get laid. I guarantee you that you could pick up a woman in ANY bar on earth by saying (and having proof to back it up) "Hey, baby...I'm Pope. Wanna fuck?"

[etv78]

I kinda figured. But generally, isn't the CC hostile to science?

[Caricci]

Oh, rats, why didn't I think of this sooner? I would say Mass in Pig Latin.

[etv78]

Also, wasn't it only under JPII that Galileo's excommunication was rescinded?

[Casey1505]

Kal, you had my vote with your First Papal Decree, but lost it with your second one.

As for me, if I see a bunch of Italians with funny hats coming toward me, I'm not sticking around long enough to see what they want.

MY first act as Pope Paul the (Nth) would be to start mass at a reasonable hour, like noon.

[Lord Ashtar]

"My neighbor's dog has a four-inch clit! Fucking shit!"

Sorry, just listened to Adam Sandler last night, and have had this stuck in my head all day today.

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

Man, I leave my thread in the hands of you heathens and THIS is the best you can do?

Somebody get me some new heathens.

Pope HSHP's action plan:

1. Catholic schoolgirl outfits now look more like they do in those movies I have to hide from Mom.

2. Hymns that ROCK.

3. SpeedMass (patent pending).

4. Penance now will be: "You can say a hundred Hail Marys and seven hundred Our Fathers... or you can go for the PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!"

5. Immediate excommunication of Creed (even if they're not Catholic).

Or, on the flipside, I would start actually ENFORCING rules. The problem with the damn Church is that it's too forgiving, what with the Penance and everything. Now we WATCH you after you get out of the confessional. We catch you doing it again... well, we still have our Vatican-approved "Buster's Big Ol' Book Of Inquisition Techniques" on the shelf. Time to dust that bad boy off.

New Motto: "The Catholic Church: Kicking Ass And Taking Names Again- The Way It Oughta Be."

[AskNott]

First, let's lose this pointy hat. Gimme a fedora. Except during baseball season, when I'm...a Cardinals fan! Starting now, gay priests may marry...each other. Let's recruit some dwarf nuns. I'm tired of that stupid joke. Brace yourself; I'm gonna wear pants. Put this 40-pound robe in a museum. We're gonna modify the penance thing. Instead of 10 Hail Marys and two Our Fathers anna Act of Contrition, gimme one Our Father and cook dinner for a poor family. St. Cecil Adams? Well, he's gotta die first.

[Already in Use]

I would choose the name Pope John Paul George Ringo. I would then attempt to reintroduce ancient pagan sex rituals to the liturgy.

[LucysLogic101]

*stands up*
*makes sign of cross*

"Nanu nanu."


:D

[AskNott]

Looking back on my post, I should make something more clear. When I said, "St. Cecil Adams? Well, he's gotta die first." I meant that we'll see about that much later. I hope that Cecil takes his own sweet time before he can fit death into his busy schedule. He's not eligible to be sainted in his present condition.

Whew! A pope's gotta be careful what he says.

[Bippy the Beardless]

I've been a Pope of Eris for years now, doesn't seem to have effected my lifestyle too much.

[SnoopyFan]

My first act as Pope would be to prank call the Dalai Lama :D

[Evil Captor]

I would pretty much go with jjim's program except that I would also declare all forms of censorship to be deeply offensive to God.

And there would be alternate nun uniforms that would involve ... more exposed flesh, more leather, tasteful collars and exposed nipple rings. Because you never know when yuou're gonna need a leather nun.

[Casey1505]

Originally posted by Evil Captor
I would pretty much go with jjim's program except that I would also declare all forms of censorship to be deeply offensive to God.

And there would be alternate nun uniforms that would involve ... more exposed flesh, more leather, tasteful collars and exposed nipple rings. Because you never know when yuou're gonna need a leather nun.
Borrowing from this idea, I will implement home and away, Sunday road, and "throwback" vestments. Gotta rake in the tithes somehow. And every Holy Day will feature an Apostle Bobble-Head (collect all 12!) giveaway, to attract the younger parishoners.

[Horseflesh]

I'd scratch my ass before they kiss my ring. A little stinkfinger never hurt anybody.

Bigger hats for everybody.

I'd reinstitute the Spanish Inquisition with cardinals that are even more fanatically devoted to me. And then I will introduce the Comfy Footstool to their range of torture devices.

Build a new Vatican/casino resort in Las Vegas. Congregation members will "tithe" via the house hold percentage. Slot machines will have a cross-shaped pull handle and buttons marked Communion, Baptism, Confession, and Change. A priest will come over to your machine to perform these rituals so you won't be inconvenienced. Beverage servers will continue to wear skimpy costumes but with nuns habits.

Declare a new mantra: "Do what feels good, but in moderation." Then I'll have Bill Clinton redfine moderation just like he did sex.

[Guinastasia]

Originally posted by erictelevision
I kinda figured. But generally, isn't the CC hostile to science?

Um, since WHEN? It's never been hostile to science that I've been aware, Galileo not withstanding.

No, it's sex where the church is all ass-backward.

I'd do the women priests (well, obviously there would be women priests if I get to be Pope!), gay marriage, married priests, birth control, sex is an expression of love and pleasure, etc.

I'd also adopt liberation theology and put Oscar Romero on the fast track to canonization.

Oh, and I'd declare the Star Wars theme a hymn to be played at Mass. Every Mass. And Yoda would be a saint. And instead of calling priests "Father", we'd call them "Jedi"

Yeah!

[Dogface]

Infallably repudiate Papal infallability.

[SnoopyFan]

I would increase tithing by putting a hidden videocamera in the confessional.

"Mr. Smith, you want your wife to know about your 'business trip' to Cancun?"

[eunoia]

More horsepower in the Popemobile, and tailfins.

[GIGObuster]

Originally posted by Guinastasia
I'd do the women priests (well, obviously there would be women priests if I get to be Pope!), gay marriage, married priests, birth control, sex is an expression of love and pleasure, etc.

I'd also adopt liberation theology and put Oscar Romero on the fast track to canonization.

Oh, and I'd declare the Star Wars theme a hymn to be played at Mass. Every Mass. And Yoda would be a saint. And instead of calling priests "Father", we'd call them "Jedi"

Yeah!

You beat me to all that I was thinking on replying here!

You do all that as the new “la papessa” and I will be forced to become Catholic again!

All hail Saint Kat!!!! :D

[Marley23]

There's gonna be some... changes made. As the first atheist RC Pope (it should be noted, though, that I've been a Discordian Pope for about six years now; Pope Ourri XLII), I'd immediately scotch most of the dogma we're talking about here. "We are not, nor should we be, governed by the supertitions and prejudices of men who lived thousands of years ago, much less hundreds." No more condemnations of sex, sexuality, gender, abortion, science, etc. Women and gays can and will be priests, and they will wear cooler outfits. Much time would be devoted to the notion that violence and other heinous acts in the name of god are NOT cool, a great deal of church history to the contrary. Likewise, the RCC is (I think) the largest landowner in the world, and it takes in tons of money. This money's not going to the Vatican porn collection anymore ;), and it's not going to missionary work; it's going to help the needy as directly as possible. Medical and literacy programs mostly, and ones that work, not the Mother Theresa 'death in poverty with dignity' stuff. In nations where the church makes money and is not taxed, it will now insist upon paying taxes, because the church is clearly involved in the political process, and taxes are the dues you pay to participate in that process.

But that's all policy. As for my introduction to the public? There'd be the usual "I give you Pope Marley I (or Pope Ourri XLII, I haven't decided)" first. Then, a choir makes a typical, heaven-sounding noise- which turns into a rendition of The Simpsons theme song. After that ends - well, I figure you only get a chance to do this once, so I'd stride to the balcony and say to the masses...

"How do you I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman...
He's just a little brought down because
When you knocked
He thought you were the... Candyman

I'm just a sweet transvestite...
From Transexual, Vatican City..."
Complete with the appropriate throwing open of the vestments, etc. Then I'd make an inspirational speech with the above talking points. At the end, as I turn to leave, a 'plant' friend of mine would yell "Where you think you're going, Pope?"

I'd answer, "I'm going to get laid. Where you going?" :cool:

[Odinoneeye]

I'd reintroduce the Crusades and take back the holy lands of America from the infidel Republicans.

I'd proclaim mooning to be a perfectly acceptable way of worshiping God.

I'd install stadium seating and movie screens in all churches.

I'd fire all cardinals and nominate Vegas showgirls to fill the positions.

[matt_mcl]

I'd probably spend a lot of time just saying pope. Pope pope pope pope pope. And giggling.

And then I'd run around getting away with shit; if anyone objected, I'd just bless them.

I'd sell a font and feed Africa for a year.

I'd wear a different robe every day of the year. And I'd bring back the papal tiara because hel-lo!

Actually, when I was a kid I had an ambition to become pope; I was crushed when I realized that I was a Protestant.

[Weird With Words]

Legalize it! All of it!

[a bird on the wire]

I'd have a monkey and an organ and every couple of minutes or so when I was saying mass I'd stop and crank it for a couple a seconds and make the monkey dance then I'd stop and be real stern with the congregation and remind them that this is serious business then I'd crank up the old organ again and laugh and say "gotcha". Then I'd say that I just said that to see who wasn't taking it seriously. After a minute or so of looking around at the worshipers like I was gonna send someone to hell I'd laugh and say "just kidding!" Then I'd scold the monkey for dancing in church.

I'd repeat as the whim struck me.

My goal as Pope would be to keep 'em guessin'.

[Weird With Words]

"You put your palms down, you thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis..."

[jjimm]

Originally posted by Guinastasia
I'd do the women priestsHehehheh. You said "do".

[Marley23]

Quoth Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
If the College of Cardinals wants YOU, Joe Nobody, then you are Pope Joe Nobody. They ordain you, advance you, and make you Pope.
Sounds like a reality TV show premise to me...

[Weird With Words]

Originally posted by jjimm
Hehehheh. You said "do".

Then you said "do". Heheheh... do-do...

[Zap_Rowsdower]

Toga! Toga! Toga!

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

I would immediately follow in the footsteps of Pope Stephen.

http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html

Only, no trial.

Can you say "lawn darts"?

I KNEW YOU COULD!! YAAAAYYY! :D

[MrVisible]

First, I'd contract Radiohead to write the new processional, and a few new hymns.

I'd spend a few weeks digging in the legendary vaults of Vatican City, unearth a few arcana, reveal The Truth about anything I found out The Truth about, and then have the world's coolest garage sale.

Organists must either play with a full backup band, or retire. Man, I'm writing some serious sermons already. Anyone know where I can hire a good coreographer?

Banners for every church, reading "Love thy neighbor as thyself", in big bold red letters. Dozens of them. Everywhere.

In addition to the Popemobile, I'd commission the PopeCopter, the
PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave.

I'd do everything I could to get people to treat each other nicely.
Despite whatever books they may have used to justify doing otherwise.

[SnoopyFan]

In addition to the Popemobile, I'd commission the PopeCopter, the PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave.

You forgot one.

The Holy Segwaymobile.

[Ponder Stibbons]

Oh, come on people, let's get serious here!

...............

Mmmm, on second thought, NOT!

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

PS -- If you see me (the Pope) come up to you with my cheeks puffed out and saying "What am I?", run!

[Papaveraceae]

Originally posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor
I would immediately follow in the footsteps of Pope Stephen.

http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html

Only, no trial.



:eek:

He did WHAT?!?

[Papaveraceae]

oh, and


IT'S GOOD TO BE KING


I simply cannot believe that no-one said that yet.

[eunoia]

Originally posted by MrVisible
In addition to the Popemobile, I'd commission the PopeCopter, the
PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave.


Camerlengo! The PopeSignal!

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

I would also begin referring to everything especially holy as "Popetacular" or "Poperiffic."

[Ponder Stibbons]

Originally posted by Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
I would also begin referring to everything especially holy as "Popetacular" or "Poperiffic."

Well, that would certainly make you pope-ular! Would you cash in on this with your own brand of Soda Pope™?

When the street vendors sell binoculars so people can see you from far away, would these be Poper Scopers™?

OK, I'll stop now ...

[Padeye]

Yeah, you think you'll change everything. Start making waves in the Vatican and Michael Corleone has your tea posined and a cardinal will be shot and thrown down the stairwell.

A GD topic for sure but some folks believe pope JP I was bumped off for rocking the popeboat.

[quiltguy154]

Yeah, too bad he was embalmed within hours of his death. All those pesky little medical tests that couldn't be performed. Timing is everything.

[quiltguy154]

Yeah, too bad he was embalmed within hours of his death. All those pesky little medical tests that couldn't be performed. Timing is everything.

[quiltguy154]

Timing, as in NOT double-posting.

[hebesphenomegacorona]

Make everything good again.

With beer.

[MrVisible]

I would start mixing in quotes from Led Zeplin and Pink Floyd with bible verses I used in my sermons, just to see if anyone noticed. And if they did, if they would call me on it.

I'd be a blast at dinners with heads of state. "Hang on a sec, Mr. President..." (spend a few seconds staring at the ceiling attentively) "Yup, God specifically told me to tell you that you're a dick."

I'd do a little Pope dance whenever I was on camera, and it'd become an international craze. People everywhere would be saying "Do the Pope!" I think I'd find that encouraging.

I'd do the late-night talk show circuit. A lot. "Well, gee, Conan, I guess you'll be burning in hell forever for that last skit. No, really."

I'd take a lot of questions from the audience, and start answering in koans, limericks, and knock-knock jokes.

I'd publish a book of my exquisite poetry, made up entirely of variations on the word 'margarine'. I'd call it the Book of Merry Margarine, and I'd make sure it was sold via infomercials throughout the world.

I'd cause immense puzzlement by scratching myself rudely at random events, and declaring, "Goddamn, this robe chafes like a bitch!"

I'd declare world peace, and anybody that didn't go along I'd whack in the head with my staff.

[Odinoneeye]

I would give the same speech Cerebus gives when he becomes pope.

To paraphrase...

"You've been told all your life that God loves you. This isn't true. God loves rich people, that why he gives them all the money. God loves strong people, that's why he gives them the strength to beat every one up. God hates poor people. God hates weak people. God especially hates the sick and crippled. If you are sick or crippled and aren't dead then you're disobeying God's will."

Then I'd demand more money or everyone would go to Hell.

[Ponder Stibbons]

Well, Pope MrVisible is my favorite so far! I don't know about Pope Odinoneeye, though ... still, to be fair, ol' One Eye never was known as a happy-go-lucky Norse god, so one has to make allowances ;)

[JRDelirious]

Hoo, boy....

My First-100-days Papal Platform

(1) Celibacy Schmelibacy. Each Order adopts its own rule, and for diocesan priests let it be a career-track choice. OTOH anyone in the priesthood or orders caught fooling around adulterously, patronizing dens of iniquity, or taking advantage of the position gets shitcanned immediately.
(2) Speaking of which: "To the US Conference of Bishops: You all know whose resignations I want on my desk tomorrow. Don't make me go there and perp-walk you outta the cathedral."
(3) Ladies, you may apply for the seminary as soon as they finish adapting the facilities
(4) Preventive Birth control: OK
(5) Hey, ocassional masturbation is not that bad, really; OTOH if you're in the bathroom 4 hours daily or you haven't read a single magazine that did not come wrapped in opaque plastic in the last year, you should seek counselling .
(6) You're in a committed, loving relationship with ONE other committed, loving adult, freely and with full respect for each other's dignity? You're OK with us, but we'd rather you officialize it sacramentally in a permanent manner. OTOH running around using and exploiting persons, groups of persons, animals, plants or household appliances for your selfish pleasure w/o regard for consequences is still wrong.
(7) Remarriage is fine, if you really, really tried the first time and it just did not work out. But if you're Jennifer Lopez, call us back when you decide to take this seriously.
(8) Hire competent writers to create a scripturally-sound series of apocalyptic novels based on REAL Christian Theology
(9) Dear Mr. Gibson and all the other people upset about Vat-2: we're really happy you're so committed to tradition. Way to go. More power to you. We'll even give you an alternative old-style rite. However WE are the real, official RCC and if you don't like that you can hit the road.
(10) Worldwide Satellite-TV Late Night Talk-show format Audiences, 3 nights a week, on major networks.
(11) Monthly interactive web-chat Papal Audience
(12) Cardinal Ratzinger will be assigned to perform a series of Fear Factor-type stunts for the amusement of the masses on the RCC cable channel, when he is not assigned to be the one who actually reads the above announcements
(13) Grab a seat on a Soyuz to the ISS and have Mass from the Heavens... come to think about it, better send Ratzinger on that one, too
(14) Have the Queer Eye guys do a special from the Vatican Palace. However, make perfectly clear that more than one use of the pseudo-word "zhush" will result in the Swiss Guard poleaxing the offender(s).
(15) Hire highly competent European/Japanese comic artists to produce series of Catholic tracts accusing Jack Chick of being in cahoots with whatever evil conspiracy they can come up with.


...and may I say I really liked the idea of the Las Vegas Vatican Resort and Casino.


Originally posted by erictelevision
Also, wasn't it only under JPII that Galileo's excommunication was rescinded?

GG never got excommunicated, just told to shut the f*** up and stop annoying the authorities ;) . But the Galileo case really came towardt the end of that attitude, by the 1700's Catholic scholars were participating hard and heavy in scientific research. Once irrefutable proof of the Copernican model was at hand (stellar parallax, IIRC) it was quietly adopted. What JP2 did was finally offer a long-delayed public "oops! our bad; sorry"

And re: Evolution. In official church statements, already in 1909 it was something worth looking into, in 1951 (Pius 12) it was a valid, well-supported scientific theory, and as of 1994 (JP2) it's "more that just one more theory" and the best available explanation for the physical development of life.

[etv78]

Thanks Delirious!

[MrVisible]

I shall use the power vested in my vestments to resurrect threads!

Ha!

[burntsand]

I'd say: "I am the Pope. I want to be King."

Peter O'Toole would reply: "I am the King. I want to be Pope"

and Richard Harris would end with "And I am a Man. I want to be King of the Popes! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw!"

The Man Who Would Be King Of The Popes, coming soon to SCTV.

[NinjaChick]

First: "Y'know, it's sort of silly to take anything written by some random folk a couple thousand years ago too seriously. Let's lighten up a bit, shall we?"

Second: "But those bits about "thall shall not murder", and "love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Be nice" and all that, remember them? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" Let's maybe shift our focus there a little more."

Third: The Vatican will now have an official Gay-Straight Alliance. Nyeh-nyeh, you can't do anything about it.

Then I'd stop and wonder, why, exactly, they decided that a 17-year-old agnostic who was raised Jewish and if anything would label herself as a Buddhist would be the best new Pope.

[Johnny Bravo]

I would PopeSlap everyone.

That's what the bigass ring is for, right?

[Ranger]

Okay, let's see...

1.) I'd promote Fr Guido Sarducci to Bishop, at least.
2.) I'd tell everyone that contraception is okay.
3.) I'd tell everyone that masturbation is okay, just don't do it during study hall or mass.
4.) On behalf of the RC church, I'd apologize to the Moslims for the crusades.
5.) On behalf of the RC church, I'd apologize to the Jews for anti-semitism.
6.) I'd order that they provide a selection of dips to go with those tasteless wafers.
7.) I'd replace the dago red with some nice Mogen David concord grape.
8.) Married priests? Why not? Female priests? Why not? Predatory priests? How about a new meaning for the phrase "prison chaplain"?
9.) I'd replace that depressing Jesus hanging from a cross with "Buddy Christ (http://shop.store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/budchrisdass1.html) "
10.) Perform Masses in Yiddish.

I'll come up with more, but that should be enough for the first week.

[Hometownboy]

Well, there's always Morris West's "The Shoes of the Fisherman" about a priest who spends years in a Siberian labor camp and then is released, ultimately becoming pope.

He decides to sell the Vatican's assets to raise money to feed the hungry.

The book was also made into a big-budget film that flopped, in spite of having a wonderful cast - Anthony Quinn, Sir Laurence Olivier, Sir John Gielgud, Oskar Werner, Leo McKern, Vittorio De Sica, even David Janssen. Check the Rotton Tomatos review here (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/click/movie-1018868/reviews.php?critic=all&sortby=default&page=1&rid=1148120)

[quiltguy154]

SOTF is one of my favorite movies. Uplifting, because little guy makes good. Maybe the next pope will take a page or two from that book. it would at least be a start. I agree with most of the more moderate posts I've read. Hidebound traditionalists would have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century. The Holy Spirit can't do it alone. :o

[Clothahump]

Me as the The Dude In The Funny Hat - what a concept. My first act would be to say:

"Shut it down. All of it. Sell everything and give me the money. And all the priests and nuns now have to go out and get real jobs."

I would then take the money and build at least one school in every major city in the United States that would actually educate kids instead of babysitting them and brainwashing them with liberal nonsense.

Anything left over is mine.

[caveman]

I'd go take a shit in the woods.

[Evil Captor]

Originally posted by caveman
I'd go take a shit in the woods.

I guess SOMEBODY had to say it.

[caveman]

Just doing my civic duty...

[look!ninjas]

"Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse...even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal...both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies...He came to help us out. He was a booster! And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW!" campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you...The Buddy Christ!"

[drewbert]

The Vatican's new home on the web: the SPMB.

[teemingONE]

Originally posted by MrVisible

In addition to the Popemobile, I'd commission the PopeCopter, the
PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave.


What about Dove; The Alterboy Wonder? (please forgive me)

First thing I'd do is either make sins not so bad or okay; like gay marriage, birth control, etc. Or really crack down on all sinning.

[I Love Me, Vol. I]

When I'm Pope I'll give the world the greatest gift a Pope ever could...

I'll immediately abolish the Catholic Church.

After that, I'll strongly suggest that all other religions disband, too.

[Ponder Stibbons]

You know, it's interesting. Mind you, we're having a good time with this and all, so everything's sorta funny. Still, it seems the posts all seem to fall in one of two categories:

1. What we'd do to make the world a (allegedly) better place, or
2. What we'd do a la Evil Overlord.

I wonder what that says about us?

[Optihut]

I am one of the evil overlord faction:

1. Bring back some mysticism: You know, have the priests speak in latin again (or some other obscure language nobody understands) and fill the churches with that smoke stuff (sorry, I am lacking the word here).

2. If they don´t exist already, I want a group of vatican-killer hit men.

3. The pope-robes need to be made of kevlar.

4. As a failsafe to the bullet proof robe, I would like to have some doppelgangers, just in case...

5. Also, I need a network of fanatically loyal spies / advisors, distributed in as many governments as possible. The CC could then function as information broker ("So, George, how badly do you want to find those WMDs in Iraq?")

6. My church would be gay friendly, as it is foolish to cut yourself off of potential worshippers.

7. Something evil. I cannot think of anything more at the moment, but I am sure there´s more that could be done here.

So, do I get the job? :)

[JRDelirious]

Originally posted by Ponder Stibbons
You know, it's interesting. Mind you, we're having a good time with this and all, so everything's sorta funny. Still, it seems the posts all seem to fall in one of two categories:

1. What we'd do to make the world a (allegedly) better place, or
2. What we'd do a la Evil Overlord.

I wonder what that says about us?

You forgot:
3. Take this opportunity to bash the RCC (oh, sure, it's a subset of #1, but it's different enough in spirit)

And what this says about us is that we are pretty dang sure it ain't happening with us any time soon.