Best Marge Simpson lines...

[Don Draper]

Okay, I know she's usually the "straight guy" and doesn't get as many good zingers as Homer, but let's give the little lady her due.

(Re: Troy McClure)
"Oh Homer! That's just an urban legend. People don't do that sort of thing with fish."

(Homer knocks over a statue of a doe with his car.)
H: "D'oh!'

L: "A deer!"

M: "A female deer!"

(On seeing Ren & Stimpy during a clips episode)
M: How can you watch that same cartoon again?

B: It's not the same Mom, it's old footage that's spliced in with new material to make it seem new to our impressionable young minds."

L: "Ren & Stimpy" do it all the time!

M: Yes they do, and when is the last time you heard anyone talking about "Ren & Stimpy"?

(spoken on several occasions)
"Now let us never speak of these events again!"

[Baggins111]

"I don't know, Homey. <Stupid thing Homer's about to do anyway> doesn't sound like a good idea to me."

and of course, "Hmmmmmmmmmmm!"

[Johnny Q]

I'm a little unsure about this one, but it goes something like....

"My uncle Charlie had a saying. Shoot them all and let God sort them out. Unfortunately, one day he decided to put his theory into practice and it took 10 state patrolmen to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of this again."

Feel free to correct any inaccuracies.

[Troy McClure SF]

Originally posted by Art Vandelay, Architect
(Re: Troy McClure)
"Oh Homer! That's just an urban legend. People don't do that sort of thing with fish."

Who told you?!

[Lobsang]

Funny for it's context. Homer does something very very unique and unlikely


Marge: "Not again!"

[DaPearl]

"When my family had the option to come either to Springfield or Stenchberg they chose Springfield. You know why? Because they know Jebediah Springfield is an American hero, end of story."

[Manduck]

Upon seeing Homer's IOU to Patty and Selma projected onto the ceiling by a lamp:

"Homer! Is this projection accurate??"

[Sketch]

Girls Lisa, boys kiss girls.

[fiddlesticks]

"I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!"

[DaPearl]

When Lisa suggests God could be a woman:

"Don't listen to her Mr. Lord! She doesn't mean it!"

[Bryan Ekers]

"You've just been Marge-inalized!"

-after beating up a man who mugged her earlier in the episode

[mobo85]

Although Marge is believed to be a great cook, she doesn't seem to know as much about cooking as you think. Looking at a spice rack in a flea market:

"Eight spices? Some must be repeats...'Oregano...' What the hell?"

[Odinoneeye]

Along the same lines...

"The secret ingredient is salt!"

Also... (paraphrasing)

M: "Lisa, people will tell you you can't change a man. I say those women are quitters. When I met your father he was lazy and now he's a changed man."

L: "Um... Mom"

M: "He's a changed man."

[jehovah68]

"Who's Disco Stu?"

[gwendee]

(taking steaming bowl from microwve)
"Kids, come get your soup while it's still incredibly hot!"

in the same scene Homer says "Ooh, I hate that icky soup skin."

[Elycien]

Marge gets mugged and ends up getting incredibly buffed up then enters a body building contest. Paraphrased.

Marge: Second place!! I didn't give up my period for second place!!

[Alias]

In "The Shinning", when asked if Homer was going to come back and murder them all.

"We're just going to have to wait and see. . ."

[ElvisL1ves]

To ex-con Michael Keaton:
"Oh, everybody shoots Apu. It's only a hundred dollar fine now."

[Dignan]

After Lisa and the rest of the Springfield Elementary band are robbed by a rival band that used glow sticks there is an exchange that goes a little something like this:

Marge: (says something about the fair)

Lisa: You mean the state unfair.

Marge: Yes, Lisa. That's what I mean. The state unfair. :rolleyes:

Bart: Zing!


Anyone better versed in The Simpsons feel free to correct where necessary.

[ITR champion]

"You can't say 'sex' on the internet!"

[ftg]

Not Lenny, not Lenny!

[threeorange]

"My family has a greatness that can't be seen by others. And if it's not true greatness, we're at least average."

[Bryan Ekers]

Johnny Q:

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad crummy guy who's going to jail but I know he's innocent?

Marge: Well, Bart, your uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of him again. [hums as she dusts]

Bart: Mom. ...Mom. ...Mom!

Marge: Huh?

Bart: What if I can get this guy off the hook? Should -- should I do it?

Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one grey December morn.


I also like:
"He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking!"

[blowero]

Bart, please don't use the 'touch of death' on your sister.

[Evil Captor]

Marge: (on seeing that Marge Flanders' closet contains not one, not two but THREE pairs of shoes)

Someone has a fetish!

[RandMcnally]

M: Bart NOOOOOO!

Bart: Mom, I'm right here.

M: Sorry, force of habit. LISA NOOOOO!

[msmith537]

"I'd like to visit that Long Island place. If only it were real..." [After getting drunk off of Long Island Ice Teas]

[criminalcatalog]

"Music is none of my business."

[Spurious George]

(From a Treehouse of Horror ep, I think after Bart and Lisa discover "Hugo" in the attic.)

"I am completely dissapointed and terrifed."

[Don Draper]

Thought of two more good Marge moments:

After Maggie has found Mr. Burns'es "Bobo" bear, and the rest of the family argue about how much the reward should be:

"I'm SURE Mr. Burns will offer us a very nice reward...(pause)...And then we'll tell him to double it!"

Surprised looks from the family

"Well I'm tired of being the nice guy in the family, I can be greedy too sometimes!"

*****

From the Springfield prohibition episode, just after Homer has confessed to being the Springfield "beer baron":

Marge: "Homer...(pause, as everyone expects a stern, chasting lecture from Marge)...that was clever! Very, very clever!"

Lisa: "Mom?!?"

Marge: Well it is, you're father's come up with some wild ideas in his time, but this is the cleverest idea he's ever had!"

[YellowTail]

Scorpio episode: "I'm drinking a glass of wine a day! I know the doctor's say you should drink one and half glasses but I just can't drink that much!"

[Superdude]

Homer (after Marge has told him that he has a problem with anger): I do not.

Marge: Sure you do. You're punching the cat right now.

(Camera shows Homer's face, then pulls back to reveal him holding Snowball II in his hand, and punching it with his other fist)

[Shadez]

When she was trying to get over her fear of flying:

[running back and forth very quickly]
Lemme off! Lemme off! Lemme off! Lemme off!

[cantara]

Looking through bag from Quickie Mart with enema bag, porn, condoms etc.

"I don't know what you have planned for this evening Homer, but you can count me out."



(sorry, widly paraphrased from my fractured memory...but the gist is right)

[YoudNeverGuess]

M: Well if loving your kids is lame then I guess I'm just a big lame

Bart: Mom it's lame to be proud of being lame

(or something like that)

[Mazikeen]

"Fruit is nature's candy!" (from a Treehouse of Horror episode, I believe.)

[Captain Blunty]

In a slow voice, as if she's speaking to a child:

"Now Homer, don't you eat this pie..."

[YoudNeverGuess]

Oh - thought of another one from the clip show where they're telling old stories from their lives about love and Homer's just finished telling the story about Mindy.

One of the kids: But what ever happened to Mindy?

Marge (angrily): Yes! What did happen to Mindy?

Homer: 'Oh, she never got over it and became an alcoholic' (or something to that effect...)

Marge: Hm - Good! :D

[Hugh Jass]

I just need a little LSD: love for son and daughter.

[Lord Ashtar]

I think this is from one of the future episodes, or at least one where they have a flash forward. Anyway, Homer is dead and at his funeral, Marge cries out,

"I wish they had never invented fried cheese!"

I had another good one, but it just slipped my mind. Hopefully it'll come back.

[YoudNeverGuess]

Marge: 'Now let's all forget our troubles with a nice bowl of strawberry ice cream.'

Lisa pulls Malibu Stacy's cord.

Doll: 'Now let's all forget our troubles with a nice bowl of strawberry ice cream.'

[mobo85]

Originally posted by Hugh Jass
I just need a little LSD: love for son and daughter.

This is made even funnier by the fact that she said this while at a drug test.