An Open Letter (To My Wife)

[WIGGUM]

I love you so much, that I'm willing to be with you for all of eternity, raise our children, spoil our grandchildren and great- grandchildren, til death do us part IN SPITE OF THE FACT that your butthole spews the most putrid emissions known to man. I'm serious. The government could bottle your farts, and scare any enemy into submission at the mere mention of its use. You were on fire last night, ALL NIGHT. The smell was so bad that it woke me from sweet slumber (several times). I don't know what you ate, but judging from the smell, it must have contained pure EVIL. This was not the typical stench that I've grown accustomed to, and even come to love. No, they were something different, something special, that I can say with all honesty, I hope I never have the pleasure of smelling again. I almost had to go into the other bedroom to sleep because they were giving me nightmares. With that being said, though, I still love you, but I'm afraid of your butt.

[Gatopescado]

Ah, being last of the "true romantics", WIGGUM knows that the way to a ladys heart is thru the butthole.

Kinda makes me all weepy, like.

[Giraffe]

Originally posted by gatopescado
Ah, being last of the "true romantics", WIGGUM knows that the way to a ladys heart is thru the butthole.This public service announcement was brought to you by Larry Flynt.

[WIGGUM]

Kinda makes me all weepy, like.

Her farts had the same effect on me.

[Quasimodem]

Paging lieu! :D

Q

[Dragwyr]

OMG! ROFLMAO!

This is one of the funniest OP's I have read in a long time.

I will pray for a long and odorless life for you, WIGGUM.

[gonzoron]

Perhaps she got confused and thought it was "Till death do us fart"

[Genghis Bob]

I love my wife's farts almost as much as my own. :D

[WIGGUM]

I love my wife's farts almost as much as my own.

As do I, but something was amiss last night. I fear if this continues, an exorcism might be in order. I've always said about my wife, "I don't understand how something so vile can come out of someone so beautiful."

[porcupine]

Did she have Burger King Onion Rings (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=108917)?

[Gatopescado]

Is she pregnant? When my wife was brewin' up the youngster, she could break wind that offended the livestock.

Something ironic about the seeing the smelliest creature in the pasture with a "who did that?" look on its dirty, little face. The edges of thier lips kinda curl up and they squint.

_____________
Never kiss an animal that can lick its own butt.

[scout1222]

Ooh, good link, porcupine, that was a funny one.

[WIGGUM]

Dragwyr Thanks for the prayers. I think I'm going to need them since she's informed me that the daylight has not made the emissions subside.

porcupine Nope. No onion rings, but I'll be damn sure to keep her away from them as I fear eating them might result in a total gut meltdown.

gatopescado Wow! As a matter of fact, she is pregnant. If she smells that putrid on the outside, I can only imagine what my progeny is being subjected to on the inside.

[Quasimodem]

So, uh....are you showing this thread to your wife (since it is open, I mean :D), and is she still speaking to you? ;)

Q

[DaisyFace]

My husband has just threatened me with exile to the second bedroom if I ever do this to him. Meanwhile, he only read it because I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak and he thought I might be choking on something. Sweet guy, my hubby.

[WIGGUM]

Quasi

She's seen it, and she approves. Strangely enough, I think she's proud of herself. I almost wish she wasn't speaking to me, and made me sleep on the couch if you get my drift.

[Dragwyr]

Originally posted by WIGGUM
QuasiI almost wish she wasn't speaking to me, and made me sleep on the couch if you get my drift. It seems to me that the... uh... "drift" is the source of the issue here, isn't it?

[Horseflesh]

It seems you've been shot by the heart-shaped arrows of Putrid.

I read somewhere on this board that WD40 might help out your wife. Check her for butt rust.

[Heart On My Sleeve]

Wiggum, that was shoking and hilarious!!!!

[Heart On My Sleeve]

um, shocking!

[Toddly]

You lucky dog. My wife is beautiful, sweet, generous and takes great care of me and the kids but she never hardly shakes the bushes.

[SanguineSpider]

Why do our bodies emit such evil? We are so nice on the outside (appearance) but inside we're just all ick! :rolleyes:

[WIGGUM]

I read somewhere on this board that WD40 might help out your wife. Check her for butt rust.

That's too funny. I read that post, but I have a theory. If she does indeed have "butt rust", I might just let it go, with the hope that someday it will rust shut and solve all of my problems.