Take a Moment to Pit Yourself.

[Chastain86]

Okay, Chastain, you've had this coming for awhile.

You lazy, good-for-nothing pile of unswept baboon asshairs, why don't you clean out the goddamn kitty litter box more often? Your poor cats have to weave in and out between the big clumped piles of dookie like a dune buggy in the Sahara. Maybe YOU should poop in a box for a change and see how often YOU'D like the goddamned thing cleaned?

And stop drinking those stupid Diet Vanilla Pepsis for Chrissakes. You burp after drinking one and the entire house smells like baloney and ass. Just quit, damn you.

And quit wasting time at work. Jesus, how you still have a job is quite beyond me.

[Sofa King]

Back in 1986, I thought that Leather, the vocalist on Dave Chastain's Ruler of the Wasteland, was a guy.

[cowgirl]

Baloney and ass. Heh, heh. What a hideous image.

Self, I pit thee for not having sent out Christmas cards yet. Remember last year when you finally got around to it in January and decided you'd left it too long but you'd definitely do it next year? Fucking idiot. No wonder no one calls you any more.

[BubbaDog]

OK Bubbadog, here's a really big clue - Don't eat the fucking onions and you won't get sick! Is that plain enough for you, dipshit?

And would it kill your sorry ass to jog a few feet now and then?!

Bubba
OK, so we're supposed to pit ourselves. Right? If I pit Chastain, Sofa King, or cowgirl then that's a hijack. Right?

[lissener]

My cat's breath smells like bologna and ass.

[pencilpusher]

Ok Pusher you lazy cunt get off the fucking computer and unpack some of the boxes already instead of waiting till Mr. Pusher gets home and makeing him do all the work. It's been 3 weeks since the move and you STILL don't know where the fucking coats are!
Go outside for at LEAST an hour every day. I don't give a fat monkeys ass if it's 10 below zero out there GO OUTSIDE for fucks sake!! Get off your fat ass and get some exercise ya tubba lard. Wasn't one heartattack enough to get you off your ass? Dumb shit. Do you wanna DIE?!?!
Oh and do the world a favor. Spend some QUALITY TIME with the kids for once before they are grown up.

[vibrotronica]

vibrotronica, you like, totally suck.

[Genghis Bob]

Rimshot, just stop it. Cut it out. Stop.

Don't give me that look, you know what I'm talking about. "I" know what I'm talking about. "We" know.

Whatever.

You're not fooling anyone, anyway.

So just. Stop.

[Mullinator]

Mullinator, I pit thee for being so darn wonderful that the rest of society is left piddling in your wake and feeling bad about itself.

For shame.

[carrot]

carrot, I am pitting you for not being as wonderful as Mullinator and being unable to resist the urge to piddle on him to wake him up.

[Green Cymbeline]

I have been very mad at myself lately, although I cannot really discuss it here! Dammit, nyctea, don't you have even one ounce of self-discipline??? Dammit dammit damn you, you silly bitch!

[Darkhold]

What the fuck is wrong with you? Your grammar sucks, your typing skills are subpar you can't cut and paste to save your life. And if you begin one more more goddamn sentance with the words 'and' and 'but' I'm going to smack you silly. Would it really hurt you to 'preview' before posting and actually correct the mistakes that you know better then to make??? Your mother is an English teacher for god's sake. And stop with the whole 'my blood sugar is low' or 'I'm getting tired I get sloppy when i'm tired' if you're tired/sugar is low don't fucking post! Speaking of what's with all the / things in your posts? Do you really think that you need/want them? Why/oh why?

Worst of all you're a bad spelling butthole*


*bad spelling butthole is a quote from an admirer of mine I make no claims for authorship of that particular insult. It's just the best insult ever though.

[The Mad Hermit]

Why do you put up with the negative stigma of following a universally-hated team? You never played for them, you don't even place bets. People in 31 cities and fans all around the world hate the Steelers, naturally. People who hate football, Pennsylvania, and the American way of life will never take a post by you seriously. Why don't you just change your user name?

While we're here, why can't you get your teenagers motivated to do the simple tasks necessary around the house? Their rooms look like Baghdad, they make messes in other parts of the house and never clean them, and they don't know how to put something away when they're done with it. All they want to do is Quake 2 deathmatch and chat. You must find a way for them to help, you can't handle it all on your own.

You should also be nicer to Weirddave and the rest of the Baltimore fans. He's made it clear that it's not you he's bitching about, don't take the suckitude of your favorite team personally.

[Dolores Reborn]

Dolores, you know you should do more work and stop reading the boards all goddamn day! You're gonna get SO busted one of these days.

And you get get a little more proactive around the house, and stop waiting for Tom to start doing stuff before you egt off your lazy ass!

[Anduril]

Color me stupid, but isn't this a "joke thread"? Wooooo.....

[eunoia]

Think you're witty eunoia? Drive on by, ass-nugget!

[that.sound.again]

that.sound. Where to begin..

t.s.a, you're a lazy underachiever with a near-fatal lack of ambition. Furthermore, you're indebting yourself. Yes, even now. (Just what do you think you are doing on that message board!?) Would it kill you to accept that telemarketing job?

[whiny bastard]
But telemarketing is a shitty practice. I want no part of it! Can't you see? Besides, I only want jobs relevant to my field of study.
[/whiny bastard]

Well, good fucking luck. Have you stuck your head out the window recently? Try it, it might give you a clue about which way the wind is blowing. There's a thing called the 'job market' you might want to look into. Oh, and do look up that word sometime, what was it? Hmm.. recession, I think?

You're such a loser I have to turn to the Pit to avoid your stupid posts and especially your catastrophically lame piece of cut-up-poetry username. But now where am I gonna go?

Not even the Pit is safe.. it's that.fucking.sound.. AGAIN!!!

[jk1245]

Hey, jk1245. Think you'll ever get around to maybe using that exercise equipment you bought and cluttered the basement with? I mean it's been over a month, and you've still only just "tested it out" and "warmed up" with it.

Dumbass

[Dr. Rieux]

Dr. Rieux, you lazy bastard, stop reading the SDMB and playing Seven Seas! You know you have a six-page paper due tomorrow afternoon and you haven't even finished researching it yet. Oh yeah, you think you're gonna pull an all-nighter and get it done--but that hasn't worked yet, so what makes you think you'll do it this time? And what about your Latin homework? Or that other paper due on Monday? Not to mention that you only have enough money to eat for about ten more days, and no income in the forseeable future except selling textbboks back...
Goddammit, you're really starting to piss me off, you idiot!!

[clayton_e]

Clay.. You're laz...

[Dead Badger]

If I have to ask me what I did, I don't deserve to know. I can figure it out for myself and let me know when I'm good and sorry.

[Spacegirl]

BluMoon, seriously, was it necessary to wait until the very last minute to write the paper that you had all semester to work on?

Now you are all stressed out. When will you learn!??!

:mad:

[Sm:)e]

Christ ,Sm:)e why do you only post when you are drunk? Sober up you fuck.







And your name sucks as well.

[Freddy the Pig]

jklann, your username looks too much like jk1245. It also looks too much like those guys with the white sheets and pointy hats. Yeah, yeah, I suppose you'll give me some song and dance about how it's your real name, and your family was using it long before the other guys were. It doesn't matter; it still sucks.

Oh, and stop posting all of this boring historical crap in threads that nobody reads. Start posting on cool topics like female orgasms, ejaculation volume, and whether or not Polycarp has correctly identified the second coming of Christ.

[FilmGeek]

FilmGeek: Let people be who they are. Get off the damn computer (or GameBoy) once in a while. Clean the store when you're bored, rather than complaining.

Stop eating so much chocolate and biting on your damn tongue.

Also, stop being so damn cute. ;)

[Elza B]

All right, chickenshit, just freakin' GET it over with! Tell the parents you got accepted into school in Ohio and you're moving there to be with your fiance! The fact that you just mentioned the applications in Ohio in passing shows that you're total chickenshit when it comes to talking to your parents! They're going to understand that you want to be with him and you aren't willing to wait another nine months to do that!

Ava

[eli_the_fanatic]

Eli, you lousy SOB, when... I mean, what... aw hell, I love ya guy. I can't pit you.

[schwa]

Look it's my first post. What an asshole.

[Sylkyn]

Oh fer Chrissakes...step away from the fucking computer!!, Sylkyn. It won't disintergrate if you actually, you know...leave!

And about those cobwebs. The broom is in the laundry room. Repeat after me....the BROOM is in the LAUNDRY room...!





Yeah, but the computer ain't...

[Rubystreak]

OK, Rubystreak, why the hell haven't you put away your clean laundry yet? The cats are laying in it and it's already covered in cat hair! Clean your house!

Actually, you haven't done much of anything lately, have you? Sitting on the SDMB, not grading papers, or folding laundry, or going Xmas shopping, or anything that would actually improve your life.

Also, get more sleep. You look like hell.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Diogenes, your dick is WAY too big. You scare women and you look like a freak.

Hey Sofa King, I thought Leather was a guy too. I also thought i was probably the only one here who thought of David Chastain whenever I saw the OP's user name.

[Nvme77]

NVME- obtuse, vacant slut! You have to really consider changing your name because just by looking at your user name right off the bat, you're a whore no matter what you have to say about any thread!! You are funny only to YOURSELF. Everyone else knows you are a waste of thread space and the thread has now reached new lows when you have posted.

You are a thread killer.

Also- stop fucking dyeing your hair, you're damn lucky you still have any clinging to that lump of shit you call a head.

Also- your kids have now started to call the tv "mommy" so get off the computer and fix a meal instead of tossing top ramen packages at them.

[torie]

Godamnit Torie why didn't you get put pf bed in time to get that car? Because you were 30 min late, the dealership sold it out from under you. THAT WAS A GREAT FUCKING CAR and you lost it because of your lazy, stupid ass. Speaking of lazy, GO TO SCHOOL! GET A JOB!! Asshole, what are you doing? You have nothing good in your life right now because you don't do anything do deserve it. Well, except Mr.Torie, but even he has HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU!!!! Stop being an asshole and go DO something!!!

What were you thinking trying to text message your friends new cell without checking the number first? Instead, you pulled this "Oh wait I think I remember that number! Yeah it's in the back of my head, OK!" Why didn't you realize that it was in the back of your friggen head because IT YOUR EX"S NUMBER??? Now he thinks your a psycho and there is no explaining THAT!


You are such an asshole.

and that's just today's rant...stay tuned for tomorrow's

[CarlaH1210]

Damn, Carla. You're a fucking idiot if you can't come up with a more clever user name than your name and initial, followed by your birth date. Did you think nobody would figure that one out? Or are you so vain that you must advertise to the whole world that your birthday is December 10th.

And what's up with being a member for so long and only posting a hand-full of times? Is the SDMB not good enough to be blessed by your prescence, oh great one, or is it because your internet connection is so fucking slow (usually less than 40 Kbps) and you're too impatient to wait for the pages to load? Well, if you hadn't moved to Hooterville, maybe you'd still have the option of having DSL or a cable modem. But noooooooooooo, you decide to raise your kids in the country. Dumbass. Tell your husband to cut loose with a couple hundred bucks and get that wireless connection already. Besides, his porn will load much faster that way and he will think it's well worth the money.

And try to come up with a more clever name before you post again! No wonder you've only been lurking all this time. I'd be embarassed about my lack of imagination, also.

[Shirley Ujest]

Originally posted by schwa
Look it's my first post. What an asshole.


On the road to greatness already!

Welcome aboard, asshole I mean that in the nicest sense.

[Shirley Ujest]

Shirley you are a thorough waste of verbage.

I fart in your general direction.

[Icebrand]

Yo, Icebrand, you fucking dickhead. Try CONTRIBUTING something to threads instead of just making fucking terrible jokes and/or redundant commentary. And if you get into a fight, fucking stick it out instead of backing down all the time.

Oh, and shave.

[Pixiesnix]

KCSuze, grow a fucking spine! And don't spend so much time in the Pit, it's not good for you. Going over to Great Debates or GQ wouldn't kill you. Cuntfart.

[umop ap!sdn]

cityboy, you're subscribed to too many damn threads already. Cut it out - try lurking once in a while. You don't have enough time to read Dope all day and all night! In ten minutes the site will be doing backup. Clean the fucking cat litter box! Take a shower! And if you stay up until 3:00 AM ONE MORE TIME, reading the DOPE, I'm going to set the alarm for 7:00 AM and plant it RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR EAR.

Ah, that's better.

[wendyrules]

So, cityboy, it seems you're into self-abuse by the look of your last post! Anyway, I ain't hangin' around in here - I just know if I do, I'm gonna cop a shitload of abuse - and that's certainly not my style! Have fun you lot, that like to abuse and be abused :eek:

...."Love, peace and happiness will reign in the end"..... :smack:

[green_bladder]

green_bladder, Jesus Christ on a Harley, you and your stupid fucking puns, it's about time you get pun-ted up your turdfucking ass. Wait, there you go again, you drooling moron. Speaking of drooling, does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

[Angel Heart]

Angel Heart, you have a history test in three hours, a paper due Monday and another due Tuesday. Why are you wasting your time here? Then again, why do you wait 'till the last minute to do any school work.
Why are you so lazy? If you'd worked more helping out Mom you'd be able to afford to give Christmas presents...Oh, and by the way...you're room is a pigsty.

[LucChiq]

LucChiq, what the hell is your problem!! It took you one year and a half to lose 50lb and what do you do? You let yourself go and eat anything they put in front of your fucking face and gain fucking 6lb in 2 weeks. Yes, you say now you will get back on track but now it is going to take you longer to get to the goal you had promised yourself to reach. I swear sometimes I just want to smack you around for being so fucking dumb. DON’T DO IT AGAIN YOU IDIOT!!

And stop thinking about the box of donuts they have in the back room!!!

[Helen's Eidolon]

LaurAnge, stop being such a fucking whiner. "I have so much homework... I'm so stressed about my exams... wah wah wah..."

You know WHY you have so much stressful work? Yes you do! Because you have been fucking slacking all semester! Okay maybe not slacking per se, but definitely not putting in as much effort as you should have or could have.

And everyone says "Oh, you did work this semester!". Bullshit. I see right through you.

[Duke]

Stop posting to joke threads, Duke, and stop casting aspersions on other people's threads!

[CrazyMonkey]

CrazyMonkey, there's no nice way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. You just don't have what it takes to thrill me in the bedroom anymore. My needs are not being fulfilled, and unless you learn some new techniques soon, I may just have to go out and find a girlfriend.

[torie]

Today's self-pitting: Thursday December 4th-

Godamnit Torie , It's 2:40 p.m. Why haven't you gone to the local community college to register yet? Oh, it doesn't even fucking matter! If you did register, you would just fail anyway. You are an idiot. That's why you never write good posts here, and that's why you don't deserve to go to school.
Why did you bitch when Mr. Torie said he was letting you borrow the Taurus instead of the Explorer? "I get carsick in Ford Sedans!" Jesus, Mary, and Joseph in a tiny canoe!!!! How ungreatful and stupid are you??? THIS is precisley why he has about had it with you??? He lets you take his car, live in his apartment rent-free for a month, bring your dog into the place, and when you do pay rent, you are only PAYING 240 DOLLARS A MONTH!!! So why the fucking hell are you complaing about driving the piece of shit with no radio and nasuea inducing suspension for ONE DAY???? Get off it, he goes out of his way for you, let him drive his good car. When you get home from the college which you will flunk from, give him a giant hug and say "This has been a hard few months for me and through it all you have been a sholder to lean on. Thank you for letting me borrow the car, thank you for letting Java and I move in, thank you for going to Wal-Mart on the way home from work and buying cranberry juice and yogurt, thank you for remembering I like cherry and buying those flavors. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend"
If you do that Torie, I will forgive you....
Now go register for college, you'll do fine.

Sincerely,
You



Damn, these are strangley therapeutic, I'm doing one everyday :cool:

[kung fu lola]

kung, Go back to fucking school you dumb whore. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a fucking "Sandwich Artist"? Do ya? Do ya? Huh? How the hell are you supposed to be responsible for that family you want, if you're making minimum wage slapping bologna onto cheese-encrusted logs of yeasty goodness? For the love of Og, stop letting your crushing fear of failure paralyze you and just get it done.

Will you just wash the dishes already? Come on bitch, please. It's not like the Roomies are jumping at it.

While I have your attention, let me direct it to the following failings on your part:

* You need to get better with money. Christmas is coming. You're getting a copy of The Wealthy Barber, and that's all. I mean it.

* Be nicer to people. Stop whining. Don't talk so much about yourself.

* Write your best friend a letter, you lazy assmunch.

In conclusion, stop wasting your life (and your money). Things can't keep going on like this. Buttwipe.

[CanvasShoes]

Buy the damn plane ticket shoes, quit procrastinating, quit whining, BUY IT!

arghhhh, I hate change.

Oh yeah, and quit WHINING!!!

(off to buy the damn plane ticket. sigh).

[Loneraven]

Loneraven, you lazy cow. Stop saying you can't be arsed to do your Biology and just do it. And stop telling your friends they're fascists!

And please, please, for the love of all that is sweet, good and pure, stop flicking your hair! You nearly concussed someone today!

[Super Gnat]

Super Gnat, why are you such an idiot. You say "oh, I don't know anything about those particular reactions, so I *won't* put it on my index card for the Orgo Chem exam. Instead, I'll just write lots of stuff I do know and futilely hope that it won't appear on the test." Why would that make sense to you? Because you were tired? Well, maybe if you had done the homework when you were supposed to, you would have gotten enough sleep and not done stupid stuff. If I fail, it's all your fault. Stupid.

And then after the exam you went right to the bookstore and read a book you had no intention of buying, leaving your poor group project members wondering where you were, since after all you had the computer that could run the program for them. What's that, you say? You *forgot*? Well why didn't you write it down, you big dummy, you know you forget stuff if you don't write it down.

Jeez, what am I gonna do with you?

[Bippy the Beardless]

Bippy get the fucking dish washer emptied, and fill it with the stuff piling up in the sink. Aint it about time you did the washing again as well... no wonder you havn't got a girl friend, if you let a girl see the state of your appartment she'd run away screaming...

sorry, I started turning into my Mum there,... carry on ...

[Bippy the Beardless]

Hey it worked, I got the dish washer emptied, and filled it with the stuff piling up in the sink.
So much for calling this a joke thread, it's a self help thread.

[Mr Jim]

Mr Jim, you worthless piece of failure, why don't you just accept what a fuck-up you are? Why do you feel the need to moon and cry over how much of a loser you are every goddamned day? Grow up, accept the fact that you are a crazy, unlovable freak of nature and move on. DO SOMETHING!! Stop hiding, everyone knows what you are anyway.

[Elza B]

I need to be Pitted again.

avabeth, you fucking loser, just TELL your mother you're not going to the baby shower! Why the fuck you let these people walk all over you is beyond me! Why in the world would you even WANT to go to this baby shower when she's treated you like shit? It's not even worth the money to get there. Just say no, you chicken-shitted candy-assed fucker.

And get your ass back to work! Maybe if you actually WORKED instead of playing on the internet all day, your desk wouldn't look so messed up! WORK, damn you!

And hurry up and quit procrastinating and fill out your goddamn financial aid form already! If you want ANY money for next semester, you should really get your ass in gear!

Ava

[Bippy the Beardless]

Mr Jim you sound like me in the bad old days, might I humbly suggest you take the risk of seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for help, if you havn't allready done so. I used to think it couldn't help, then I when I learnt that maybe it could help, I was shit-scared of going. But when I did go see my doctor, and I got some help, the help was most useful in pulling myself somewhat out of the dark pit.

Note to All: any time you feel like refering to yourself in very negative terms (failure, unlovable, moronic, useless, ...) it is a big sign saying 'go get help from a psychiatrist' as such self loathing tends to be self fulfilling without help.

[Skammer]

Skammer, you're such an arrogant jerk. And you're not getting paid to browse the SDMB all day. Get back to work and stop wasting the company's time.

And call your mother.

[scout1222]

Now now, Bippy, if we suddenly all become well adjusted, this thread drops like a rock!

:D

[Bippy the Beardless]

Mr Jim you sound like me in the bad old days, might I humbly suggest you take the risk of seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for help, if you havn't allready done so. I used to think it couldn't help, then I when I learnt that maybe it could help, I was shit-scared of going. But when I did go see my doctor, and I got some help, the help was most useful in pulling myself somewhat out of the dark pit.

Note to All: any time you feel like refering to yourself in very negative terms (failure, unlovable, moronic, useless, ...) it is a big sign saying 'go get help from a psychiatrist' as such self loathing tends to be self fulfilling without help.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Bippy what's with the bleeding double posting, I bet you'll just blame the hamsters when you know damn well you could have moved the failes edit data to a editor, then refreshed the page to see if the first try had got through propperly.

[Mr Jim]

Originally posted by Bippy the Beardless
Mr Jim you sound like me in the bad old days, might I humbly suggest you take the risk of seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for help, if you havn't allready done so. I used to think it couldn't help, then I when I learnt that maybe it could help, I was shit-scared of going. But when I did go see my doctor, and I got some help, the help was most useful in pulling myself somewhat out of the dark pit.

Note to All: any time you feel like refering to yourself in very negative terms (failure, unlovable, moronic, useless, ...) it is a big sign saying 'go get help from a psychiatrist' as such self loathing tends to be self fulfilling without help.

Thanks, I was being overly dramatic for the thread though I am a bit of an oddball. I do appreciate your words though.

[SubliminaLiar]

SubliminaLiar: You don't post enough! How can I take something you said and quote you out of context, making you look like a complete idiot, if you don't post?! Give me something to work with here!!


Originally posted by SubliminaLiar...
..."you look like a complete idiot"...


Whaa?! Why are you attacking me? And, how did you know what I look like? Who ARE you, anyway....?

Originally posted by SubliminaLiar...
..."How can I take something"...
..."Give me something"...


It's always "you you you" with you, isn't it?

..."are you attacking me?"...


No, you are attacking me! I wasn't even talking to you Genius... so keep your self-centered rants to yourself, okay? (insert Asshat-type insult here)

Originally posted by SubliminaLiar...
..."you Genius...

LIAR! :p


..."your self-centered"...

Don't you mean you're self-centered? Is English your first language?

Anyway, let's just agree to disagree, fair enough?

..."just agree"...


NEVARR!


k, I'm done now

[eli_the_fanatic]

Well, Eli, you've been sitting at the computer pretty much all day, and how far have you gotten on your paper? Here's an idea... stop fucking around on the Internet and work on your goddamned paper.

[CanvasShoes]

Shoes, quit eating chocolate!!! What is your problem???? You eat chocolate, and then you get a stomach ache.

Oh yeah waking up in the night and suffering that lovely porcelain bus experience is just so worth it eh? NOT!

But Noooo, it's so yummy, 3 weeks after spending a miserable weekend recovering, here you are again. Eating chocolate, and of course, you're stomach is already hurting. What are you 4??? It's NOT good for you, your body can't handle it anymore. Get over it.

[CanvasShoes]

Pssst BippyI managed to do what I pitted myself for also, I think you're on to something.

[spogga]

I was gonna pit you spogga but you aint worth it you useless article.
Fer chrissake did you ever think about getting INTO the bath once you had run it?
Oh! and that bar of white stuff still in the wrapper is called soap.

[SanguineSpider]

Sad but true:

Spider, Spider, Spider... *sigh*

You just had to work after high school, you just had to take a break from academics and go into retail. For eight freakin' years! You regret it now though; oh yeah, ya do!

You had to date HIM. And then cheat with HIM! And get caught by HIM with HIM and break HIS heart. Then ya got yourself screwed over by HIM for a year and you begged for HIM to take you back. Because you loved HIM. Well, he just needed a place to park his dick, that's all, and you bought it: hook, line and sinker. And then when he came to visit and play with your emotions, you let HIM and you let HIM park again. FOOL!!

Then you came back and the first nice word said, hooked you up with mistake #3. Yeah HIM... that evil, insulting piece of work that you now know was daddy-in-disguise. You fool. You got involved with Mr. Alcohol, Mr. Degrading-n-Cruel and you stayed. You stayed with HIM even after the knife was thrown at you, even after the vicious, all night fights that left you numb for days afterward and you came back to HIM when you did get the nerve to leave. FOOL!

But you know better now, right? You know guy's don't have to be cruel to "love" you, they don't have to hurt you and then say it's all your fault. You know now that that kind of love ISN'T love. Or do you... ?





(HIM, HIM, and HIM are three different guys but you Dopers knew that already).

[koeeoaddi]

koeeoaddi, turn off that fiddle and banjo crap, let out your poor dog, who has no choice but to listen to that fiddle and banjo crap, hook yourself up with a set of headphones and for chrissakes, buy yourself a consonant.

[CarlaH1210]

Okay, Carla, for four days now you've stayed up until well past 2 a.m. reading SDMB. You always do that. You come here and get hooked for a week or two and then disappear for months at a time. You've been registered for almost a year now and you don't even have ten posts to your credit. Are you intimidated by the level of intelligence of the other dopers? You moan and complain all the time about all the idiots that surround you, yet you finally have a chance to interact with some very astute people and what do you do? You sit back and read and are afraid to post, for fear of not being the smartest one in the group. Well, you can't always be the Queen Bee. Stop spending so much time writing out lengthy posts in word pad and then deleting them because you're too afraid to put it out there for others to read.

And I thought I told you to come up with a more clever name for yourself. Maybe you aren't so smart after all if CarlaH1210 is the best you can do.

Now get your ass up out of that chair and go do something productive. Color your hair or something. You'll be 40 years old in less than 48 hours, so try to spruce yourself up a bit.

[zoogirl]

zoogirl, get off the damn computer! You.ve got critters to feed and if you don't get to bed SOMETIME tonight, you'll be usless at work!

Don't whine because you have to go look for a new bike, either. I don't care if you think you locked the last one, you should have double checked!

And you DO NOT need any more rodents, dammit! Cory can find other people to take the hamsters!

[umop ap!sdn]

Carla, we welcome your lengthy posts. In fact I know a good place for you to post (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=226526) (happy b-day).

And cityboy, you've been doing good but you really should get more sleep. Stop staying up late increasing your post count! Sure, you've put the :o smiley through plenty of use and lived anyway. You lived, but you did not sleep.

[Bippy the Beardless]

OK Bippy you got the dark colors washing done, but what about the light colors and sheets? They've been sitting in the laundry basket for who knows how long. And you useless fucker, you forgot to phone your niece on her birthday. The dishwasher aint going to empty itself you know...

[Chastain86]

Enough!

Listen, Chastain, I've fuckin' had it with your "Average Joe"-watching ass. The show ends badly (i.e., dirty slut picks the pretty boy and NOT one of the Average Joes) and it totally ruins your whole evening. Get a goddamn spine and go do something for a change. You could have spent the two hours writing a few more script pages, but nooooooooooooo.

Addicted fuck.

Oh, and if you're just going to get bent out of shape when you play Madden NFL 2003, I'm going to confiscate it until you learn not to take it so seriously. I'm not joking, mister. March.

[hanza]

O.k Hanza, you stupid fuckhat. Stop reading the SDMB until unogly hours of the morning, leaving you exhausted at work, and running up big bills you can't afford!

Also, would it KILL you to speak a bit of Hungarian now and then, rather than just running away scared and getting your poor, already overworked boyfriend to do it. Yeah, so some people don't understand you, or seem to be deliberatley unhelpful- but for fuck's sake- they're the minority, most people want to HELP. Just stop being such a whiny little coward, and grow a pair will you.

Also, what's with all this hypochondria? I mean, think rationally for once shit for brains. just how likely is it that 1 person could simultaneously have a brain tumour AND skin cancer?Is that likely????? Is there even a million to one chance?????

Well done on giving up smoking though- credit where it's due- you dun' good kiddo. Now just stop replacing fags with chocolate to make your big lard arse balloon up even more, and we might be getting somewhere!

[thumbupmybum]

Thumby, you lazy fuck, get off your ass and start your fucking globalization paper.

Now.

Fucking now, dammit.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moi]

I expect this will feel quite good:

moi, you have a problem. Look at me. You know what we're going to talk about. Yes, you are chronically late.

I know you've been making excuses and acting like it's just your spontaneity and zaniness, but, really, it's just incredibly rude, and someone was bound to tell you sooner or later. Better me than your husband as he's pulling out his hair.

Being late makes people feel insignificant, puts people out, is selfish, and makes you look doofy. Heck, it inadvertantly led to your apartment catching fire this weekend. And I know that's making you feel supershitty.

Pull it together. Be on time. Heck, try being known for being early! Whatever you do, make it important for a goddamn change.



ahem Start now. Sign off and get your things ready for class. I'm talking now, young lady...

[Achilles Last Stand]

Achilles Last Stand you hideous fucking peckerhead, get off your lazy ass and finish your bandroom you wanted to start 3 years ago when you bought the house. And STOP being such a fucking bastard to all the ignorant asswipes who walk around this planet with blinders on and buttplus inserted. They can't help it that they're dumb like a sack of shit! Would you drive by a funny farm and thumb your nose at the patients you morrally corrupt bastard?? Well, WOULD YOU!!!!????? HAVE YOU NO SHAME!!! NO COMPUNCTION AT ALL!!!????? Stop using the word fuck to join sentences or shock your listeners into not noticing you attempt to draw a deep breath so you can rant like Kenny G. and his everlasting note!

AND STOP CALLING YOUR CAT A FUCKING IDIOT, IDGIT AND FUCKNUGGETS!! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR CAT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING JERK!!!

[LonesomePolecat]

My God, Polecat, clean up your damn apartment!!! Just look at this place!!! You literally can’t see the floor because of all the newspapers, magazines, books, empty beer and soda cans and other crap lying around. And dust off those damn blinds once in a while, why can’t you? They’ve still got cat hair on them, and the damn cat died last June!!! And what’s with all those antique Macintoshes piled in the corner? You haven’t powered up some of those machines in as much as eight years, so why don’t you just quit pretending that someday you’ll get around to actually using them for something? I mean, come freakin’ on! A 33 Mhz processor is freakin’ useless these days! Don’t tell me you can’t bring yourself to throw away a perfectly good working computer, because that’s a piss poor excuse! And the bathroom—God Almighty, I’m not even going to talk about the bathroom. I don’t care that you’re working two jobs, it wouldn’t hurt you to spend a Friday evening or two doing a little cleaning instead of camping out on the couch in your underwear with a six pack watching those Law and Order reruns that you’ve taped. If the neighbors ever see inside this place, you’ll get a summons from the Health Department for running a dump without a license.

And while I’m on your case, quite whining and blubbering about having to wear a security guard’s uniform. It’s honest, respectable work, the uniform doesn’t look nearly as silly as a fast food uniform, it pays better than any other kind of part-time work you can get, and you ought to be grateful the boss is so flexible about the hours. There’s at least a couple of billion people on this planet who’d love to have an opportunity to make the money you’re making, even if you do have to work 60 hours a week to get it. There’s plenty of other folks who have hard lives, and they’re not the least little bit impressed by your sad story, so freakin’ grow up already!!!

[thumbupmybum]

Argh...still....not....doing it....

Shit!!!!!!