In writing an internet personals ad: "Single" or "Divorced"?

[Duke]

I recently put a profile on match.com, and I faced a small dilemma. I am 30 years old and divorced. Like most sites, match requires you to put your marital status in your profile. If I was older, I don't think I would have hesitated to list "divorced," but I wasn't so certain in my case.

I suppose I have three questions. Firstly, if you are divorced, is it stretching the truth to list your marital status as "single" when "divorced" is also an option? When I fill out forms for employment benefits and the like, I usually mark "single," but in a personals ad it would seem like a dodge. Secondly, is it too much information to tell a potential date about your past relationships by saying you're divorced? I've met women through other sites where marital status wasn't part of the profile, and I wasn't keen to bring it up right away.

Lastly, are many (never-married) women my age turned off by the idea of dating a divorced man? Most of my female friends don't think so, but I've encountered women my age who really did think it was a turn-off, almost a deal-breaker. Is that view widespread?

In the interests of disclosure, here's my profile (http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?sid=DCA03E57-0785-4CD6-A1BD-B757FEF3E021&trackingid=0&theme=214&lid=226&TP=U&UID=kwH1Ymj0CXgoR6KYr86%2bxA%3d%3d&Handle=The_Third_Man123). Feel free to comment on it, especially on the written sections, as I know I'm not good at writing about myself. Please, no pity posts though, as I get enough comments like that from well-meaning but misguided friends.

[CrazyCatLady]

1) If "single" is commonly understood to mean "never been married" then it is deceitful for you to list yourself as such.

2) It's not too much information. Saying "my first wife was a psycho hose beast who slept with my brother, father, and best friend...at the same time" is too much information. Mentioning that you're divorced is like mentioning that you're a professional or what you look like.

3)Some are, and some aren't. The ones who are turned off enough to not respond to your ad will be just as turned off if you tell them after a couple of dates. You have no future with those women, so you might as well save everybody some time and bother by screening them out right away.

[SnoopyFan]

Single means "never been married." You got married at one point in your life, thus you gave up the "single" title. Now you're not married, that means you're divorced. And yes, you should put that in your profile, not that you're single: although had you been married and had an annullment, I think it wouldn't be lying to call yourself single.

And yeah, what CatLady said. Your next woman isn't going to care if you're divorced. She's probably divorced herself. Any woman who doesn't want to date a divorced man is just going to waste your time and her own time as well so you may as well be up front about it. :)

[Shakes]

I'm 33 and telling women I'm a divorced man seems to help me.

I'm not sure why really.


I've learned not to try and understand the logic of women. Its like trying to put the square peg in the round hole.. It just ain't gonna happen. ;)

[Baby Fish Mouth]

Be honest. If a woman finds out that you bent the truth about being divorced, she will inevitably wonder if you lied about something else in your profile. Not a good way to start off a relationship.

I don't know too many women who would be turned off by a divorced man, except if his ex was still hanging around as a jealous psycho. But that's a possibility whether they are divorced or not.

[don't ask]

I am 50 and divorced. I feel that "too old to be a serial killer" is about as good as I can do.

[twickster]

Yup, one more vote for "divorced," as the correct, honest, answer.

Couldn't make the link work -- what's your username there? I love reading Doper ads. (I'm "phillyreader" if you want parity here.)

[Eva Luna]

I think saying "single" would be dishonest. "Single" means "never married." Stating that you are divorced may work in your favor, though: many women, by your age, have been through at least one relationship with a commitmentphobe. At least the fact that you've been married before says that you were willing to commit to someone.

[Omnipresent]

I have to disagree!!!!

Honestly, there really are only two designations. You'll either married or single. That's it!

You certainly wouldn't want to hide your past from a potential mate but, if you'll filling out a form, I say, you're either married or single.

Hypo situation:

A man and a women get married, they're both 20. He joints the military and unfortunately gets killed in action.

Flash forward 20 years later. The women is in a bar and she meets a man. The man asks if she's married or single. Does she say "I'm a widow" or "I'm single"?

Her designation is Single in my opinion. Just as someone who has divorced their marriage.

Just my two cents.

[Baby Fish Mouth]

Omnipresent, the difference here is that on match.com, there are several choices for marital status. "Divorced" is one of them. Some people might call it a minor technicality, but it might be important to others.

[Omnipresent]

Yes, I'm saying, ignore all the choices.

Look, if you're looking "on-line" for a potential mate, is it going to make THAT much difference if the person has been married before or not?

Of MORE importance, at least it seems to me is, does the person have children?

Do they ask THAT question?

[twickster]

Look, if you're looking "on-line" for a potential mate, is it going to make THAT much difference if the person has been married before or not?

Of MORE importance, at least it seems to me is, does the person have children?

Do they ask THAT question?

Yes, actually, it does. There is a significant difference between someone who has never married (such as myself), and someone who's divorced. I have dated both never-marrieds and divorcees, so I don't discriminate on that basis, but it actually says a lot about willingness to commit, etc. Of course, there are other factors as well -- someone whose divorce is quite recent is probably not looking to settle down, for instance -- but it's a meaningful fact.

So I've got to respectfully disagree -- since it is a significant fact to some people, it deserves an honest answer.

To answer your question: yes, most sites ask whether you have kids, whether they're with you part or full time, and whether you want more kids. Again, honest answers to all of these are appropriate.

[geewhiz]

I would want you to be honest about the divorced thing. I have an ad on match.com and I am weird about the dishonesty thing. I think with online dating you need to be extremely honest.

I am 31 years old and it doesn't matter to me one bit if a guy has been married. I do believe that if you have to be honest about having children. I personally would not like to date a man who had small children living with him (the guy who I am getting to know has two teenagers that live away from home and that is ok with me). But my best friend is seeing a man who has a small boy who lives with him. He even goes on their dates (and sometimes chooses the movie) and she is fine with that.

So marked divorce, it really doesn't matter. :)

[Shade]

1) If "single" is commonly understood to mean "never been married" then it is deceitful for you to list yourself as such.Well, that's the question, isn't it? Is single so understood?

Personally I would say single = "not dating anyone" though the dictionary describes it as 'unmarried'. Given that 'divorced' is one of the options, I would say that's probably the one you're meant to pick. Though not necessarily - it's possible some people prefer being 'divorced' to 'single' and thus are given the choice.

What matters is how most people interpret it: in this thread that's apparently as 'never been married' which is a shock to me, but then I'm not a 30-year-old woman :)

If you're looking for a compromise could you list yourself as single, but mention the divorce in the description? That way you're not automatically filtered out, nor lying.

Aside: though I'm so not your target audience, I thought your ad was quite well written. Just thought I'd mention that.

[Cheesesteak]

I am 30 years old and divorced.

Firstly, if you are divorced, is it stretching the truth

Secondly, is it too much information to tell a potential date about your past relationships by saying you're divorced?

Lastly, are many (never-married) women my age turned off by the idea of dating a divorced man?You self identify as divorced. You acknowledge that 'divorced' is a legitimate description of someone's social status, differing from 'single' or 'unmarried'. Divorced is a predefined selection in Match.

Go with divorced.

Note... the word divorced starts to look stranger and stranger the more I read it.

[aaslatten]

Another vote for saying you're divorced if you're divorced.

1. Yes, some women unfortunately regard divorced men as damaged goods. It's too bad they would dismiss people out of hand like that, without knowing the circumstances, but it's their right. Anyway, you wouldn't want to date these women anyway.

2. If you say you're single, and a woman you really like later finds out you're divorced, she's going to think you're not very honest and hold it against you.


For these and other reasons, divorced people often end up with other divorced people.

-- been there

[CrazyCatLady]

Yes, I'm saying, ignore all the choices.

Look, if you're looking "on-line" for a potential mate, is it going to make THAT much difference if the person has been married before or not?


To some people, yes. Yes, it will. Everyone has their own standards for who they will and won't date, and some people are very leery of dating someone who's been divorced, just like some people are leery of dating people who used to be fat, or those who used to smoke, or recovering alcoholics. That's their right; it's their life and their potential relationship, after all, and they have to make their own decisions based on their own priorities. The fact that someone is looking online does NOT mean that they're so desperate they should abandon their standards.

[jimpatro]

I was divorced 9 years ago. I am now single, not in a constant state of being divorced. And "single" does not mean "never been married". "Never been married"
means "never been married." I do have a profile on match.com and I did check the Divorced box just to be clear and not waste anybody's time.

[Fish]

I find this thread fascinating, actually. I work in a medical billing office and I enter in hundreds of patients daily. It is my unscientific observation that women appear to write "divorced" more often than do men; men are more likely to write only "single" or "married."

Of course, the hospital isn't a dating service, so that changes things a bit.

As far as a dating service goes, definitely put "divorced" if that is the truth. Doesn't Match.com have some kind of disclaimer saying it is not intended for setting up assignations between cheating married subscribers? I mean, jeez, what's the point of calling yourself "single" if everybody on the freakin' board is supposed to be single? Yeah, real good descriptor, there. Very evocative.

[Duke]

Thanks for the input, all. I should clarify that I did put "divorced" in my profile, and my only real hesistation was to put something more...well, I don't know. As I say, I've run into women my age who thought it was a real turn-off. I don't know.

I think the real question is, should it even be an issue in a personal ad? One of the other sites I've used didn't post marital status in the profile--you entered it in when you joined, but it didn't appear as part of your public profile. That, I think, is preferable. On that site, if someone didn't want to date a divorced person, I just wouldn't appear in their search--fine by me. But on the other hand it doesn't become a talking point so early on. I'm comfortable if someone asks me about my marriage in most settings, but I wouldn't be on a first date. FWIW, most of my friends here thought I should go as "single." Their logic was that not everyone equated "single" and "never been married." It's obvious from the responses here that, while some people do, not many do.

Fish--Match.com has three main choices for relationship status: "single," "in a relationship," and "married." Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. Perhaps match.com advises against married persons looking for dates on the site, but they don't actively prevent them from doing so, like eHarmony does. The other choices, in a drop-down menu, are deemed "optional," and "no answer" is one of the options. Another is "so long ago, it doesn't count anymore." I suppose I potentially could have chosen one of those two as well.

twickster, I am "The_Third_Man123." I'm not sure why the link didn't work...perhaps you were logged in to your account at the time?

Shade: thank you for the approval of my profile. As I say, it's for practice more than anything.

[Really Not All That Bright]

I associate divorce with middle-age, for some reason.

You said you're 30... if you think of yourself as a twentysomethingish type, put single.

If you think you're getting more towards middle age, put divorced.

That might sound weird, but essentially what I'm saying is if your marriage and subsequent divorce have significantly changed you as a person, then note it. If they are no longer important events in your life, forget it.

[twickster]

Beats me, Duke. It goes to the "you're logged out" screen, so I sign back in -- but then when I try the link again, I get the "you're logged out" screen. Whatever.

Nice ad! Your personality really comes across.

twicks, another Diet Dr Pepper addict

[zephyrine]

I have to agree with those you think the "divorced" box was the right one to tick. If some women are going to be put off by your divorced status, then they will be even more put off by the fact that you tried to hide it. If they are put off by it, they may well have a whole lot of hangups you would be better off avoiding. If there is a "divorced" option, then in this context "single" clearly means "never married".

However, I think that this distinction is essentially meaningless, and overly intrusive. If "divorced" is supposed to signify a willingness to commit, what's the difference between someone who was briefly married at the age of twenty, and someone who was in a loving monogamous relationship for a number of years?

"Divorced" wouldn't put me off. "Single, in my forties and have never been in a relationship" might.

[lieu]

Walk on the wild side.

Tell 'em you're widowed and should be out in 3 to 5 with good behaviour.

[Omnipresent]

Well, after thinking about it, if you're looking for a match on Match.com, you MUST be single, right?

I mean, if you were married and looking on Match.com, you'd be looking in the wrong area. You should be looking in Swinging.com.

As I've said, I advocate full disclosure to your potential mate but, it would have to get further into discovering one another to find out ones past.

I agree that some people just discriminate against people who've been divorced and, you're right, that's their right.

But, I think, first assume that these people are single, then find out about them a little more,then decide if you want to pursue it. If it's a matter of "wasting time" then, I don't know what to tell you.

As a man, if you're going to discriminate against getting to know me because I've been married before (even though, to some women, that might prove that I'm marryable!), what I might discriminate against is, how many sexual partners you might have had or, your current weight.

Are these stats on the upfront form with name and age?

[Duke]

FTR, the sub-choices under "single" are:

No answer
Committed relationships but never married
Several committed relationships -- but now single
Never been in a committed relationship
Currently separated
Divorced
Widowed
It was so long ago, it doesn't matter any more

Strange how the second and third choices seem to say almost exactly the same thing. It also appears I was wrong to say that Match doesn't stop people who say they are married from entering their dating pool--my apologies, Fish.

Omnipresent: After your age, location and what you're looking for, relationship status is the next thing your profile shows. Difficult to hide, I suppose. Not all sites are like that, though. As for "discriminating" against the divorced--in the brief time I've had to do any searches, I'd say about one-third of the profiles I've seen are specifically looking for never-marrieds. I suppose it could be worse, but by the same token it's not comforting either.

lieu, you remind me of the ads we used to see in the East Lycoming Shopper that the women inmates of the Muncy State Prison would place: "SWF, 24, getting out in six months, looking for nice guy...."

twickster, thanks for the support. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather be honest about who I am and unwinked-at than dishonest and deluged with replies.

[Lynn Bodoni]

I suppose I have three questions. Firstly, if you are divorced, is it stretching the truth to list your marital status as "single" when "divorced" is also an option? When I fill out forms for employment benefits and the like, I usually mark "single," but in a personals ad it would seem like a dodge. Secondly, is it too much information to tell a potential date about your past relationships by saying you're divorced? I've met women through other sites where marital status wasn't part of the profile, and I wasn't keen to bring it up right away. I'm not really in the market, but if I happened to be, and if I found someone using an online service, I wouldn't really care if he was single or divorced. If he had checked "single", however, and I found out that he was actually divorced, then I would drop him like a hot potato. Not because he's divorced, but because he started lying at the start of the relationship. And I don't care what sort of rationalizationl he tried to put on it (the marriage didn't change me much as a person, I'm not in a relationship right now, whatever). In fact, I'd look at such rationalizations as indications that he's a lying bastard, and wonder what else he lies about.

If you're very, very young, like about 21, "divorced" would be a warning sign, but you would still need to check it if it applied to you. And if you're oh, about 50 or so, and still "single", then that would be another warning sign. You should have been in SOME type of relationship by now if you're capable of having them. Again, the truth is better than a lie, though. And in the case of a young widow, I'm sure that everyone understands that accidents and misfortunes happen, and they happen to the young as well as the old. I have a friend who actually was widowed at the age of 22, and in talking about her marriage, she will tell anyone who asks that the marriage ended with his death, and she's his widow. She mourned him and then went on to have relationships with other men. But she never forgot her first husband, nor did she dishonor him by pretending that their marriage never happened.

[lavenderviolet]

Yeah, I agree that saying "Single" would be misleading and probably lead the woman to feel like you were hiding something.
At your age, being divorced does not seem exceptionally odd, IMO. Lots of people get married in their early 20s and end up parting ways by 30.
It sounds like you're focusing more on women younger than you, from the way that your desired age range is 25-33. If you try to focus more on older women, I suspect you'll find more women open to dating divorced guys. I think 25 year olds are generally more idealistic about relationships lasting forever and probably are more inclined to look down on divorce more than, say, a 35 year old.

As for general profile feedback, I think your description of who you're looking for is interesting, but it is kind of vague. You're basically saying you want someone adventurous and independent, but I'm sure there is more to what you're looking for than that, so if I were you I'd try to think of other specific traits that you value. You might also want to talk about what you consider total deal-breakers (hopefully not a laundry list of things, but telling people the things you really can't tolerate is better than wasting people's time).

[msklystron]

Lastly, are many (never-married) women my age turned off by the idea of dating a divorced man? Most of my female friends don't think so, but I've encountered women my age who really did think it was a turn-off, almost a deal-breaker. Is that view widespread?

You are divorced. You've been through an ordeal. Sexual/ relationship history is important to women. Check the divorced box.

I don't know if this would be a turn off to ladies your age. As long as you don't live with your ex-spouse or next door to her... I don't think it would have mattered to me at 30.

I am going through a protracted messy divorce. No box for that. One thing that prospective dates seem to dislike is 'baggage'. If your relationship with your former spouse is over and there are no children involved you should be okay in the baggage dept.

I didn't read your ad, but you may get more hits by talking about something other than your good/ bad qualities etc. Be creative. Write a poem. Give your favourite recipe. Tell a funny story about your dog, if you have one. You can always change it later if no one responds.

[Lok]

Beats me, Duke. It goes to the "you're logged out" screen, so I sign back in -- but then when I try the link again, I get the "you're logged out" screen. Whatever.

Nice ad! Your personality really comes across.

twicks, another Diet Dr Pepper addict
Duke was logged in when he copied the link. His session has timed out, but everytime you click on the link it takes you back to that session. He needs to copy the link to his profile while he is not logged on to Match.com. Then other people can follow it.

[Omnipresent]

I think I'd like to change by original response.

I'd say that, when filling out a form such as one where the intent is to find a mate or partner or date, then Divorced seems appropriate.

However, any other time, say when filling out a job application or Tax return or any other type of application - you are unmarried. Or, more simply, Single!

OK, I'm sticking to that now.

[TheMusicMan]

I started posting on dating sites about 4-5 months after I left my wife (whom I had been married to for only ~18 months when I left). Mentally, I had been finished with the relationship for a good chunk longer than the 4-5 months I had been free. Thus, even though the divorce was not final, I listed myself on the site as "Divorced."

In each case of dating women that I met on the site, I was very clear about my situation ... I was in the process of getting a divorce, but there was NO QUESTION that I was getting a divorce, there was NO WAY I was going back to my wife. In each case (and I dated 4-5 women, the last of whom I am still dating 5 months later), they said they understood why I put "divorced" instead of "single" or "separated" (which was also an option). I had been hesitant to list myself as separated because, although that was the literal truth, my mentality was such that I was already divorced.

*shrugs* Just my experience, YMMV. Being honest is definitely the best policy, however, listing myself as "divorced" instead of "separated" gave me more opportunities to explain the honest situation than being COMPLETELY honest would have in the first place.

[Duke]

Duke was logged in when he copied the link. His session has timed out, but everytime you click on the link it takes you back to that session. He needs to copy the link to his profile while he is not logged on to Match.com. Then other people can follow it. That's strange, because that's exactly how I came up with the link. And Shade got into it just fine....so, another mystery, I guess.

Thanks, lavenderviolet and msklystron, for the feedback. Being a history/fundraising research writer, I tend to write impassionately, and it's something I need to work on. (I swear, I'm better at talking than writing!) lavender, I will also take into consideration your comment about age range. Though I'm 30, and the age range I'm "supposed" to be interested in (at least according to eHarmony, damn them) is 22-32, almost all the women I've dated since my divorce have been my age or older. I think you're right in thinking that being divorced would turn off more women, and probably men for that matter, at age 22 than 32. I think I will change that.

[scout1222]

Well, by now you've probably got all the advice and perspective you can handle, so I won't be giving you anything you haven't already gotten.

But I see where you're coming from, because I'm kind of in the same boat. I was married for about a year. So technically I'm "divorced". But the divorce was final in 1998 when I was 25, and now at 30 it's (in my perspective) way in the past. I think of myself as single. "Divorced" has such baggage attached to it, that I'd hate to self-identify that way.

Having said that, on anything OTHER than a dating site, I'd check "single". But since I know what we're dealing with at match.com I think I'd have to check "divorced" and go with the thought that my "one true love" will be such a person that would not be swayed by what I check on a box like that. :D

And I read your profile, which I think is well written. I was with you...until Diet Dr. Pepper.

:: shudders ::

;)

[Sat on Cookie]

I was divorced at 29 and truly hated having to cough up that fact. Bottom line, I don't think it really matters where your head is at. The fact that you were married means that no matter who you may decide to marry in the future, she'll never, ever be the first person you proposed to, married, committed your life to, etc. That matters to some people, and you owe it to them to let them know up front.

[Queen Tonya]

Hmmm, I was divorced in 94, after being married for merely a year, so I checked the "so long ago it doesn't count" box to describe myself. I never refer to myself as divorced in normal conversation, single just feels more apt. I'm thirty-three, and have been single for thirty two of those years. Using 'divorced' instead of 'single' seems like describing one thirty-third of my life or something.

[Brynda]

What a bigot you are! You won't date someone shorter than 4'11" or taller than 6'11"? Women's basketball players need love, too, you know!

Kidding, kidding.

Good ad, except for wanting someone oppositional ("when someone tells you to do something, the first thing you think is not to do it"), which beats the heck outta me. I like 'em sweet and agreeable myself.