What's the funniest thing you've EVER seen/heard/done?

[spittingkitten]

Just lookin for a laugh.... :D

Sorry, I don't know mine off the top of my head...I'll think about it tho!

[ccwaterback]

I know a lot of funny things that happened years ago, things my friends told me about, or things I witnessed first-hand.

This is the only one I can think of right off hand though (kinda tired right now).

This was in 8th grade math class. My buddy wasn't a very good student and the teacher was a real ogre. Well the teacher was standing over my buddy's desk yelling at him, the teacher had a bad habit of spitting a bit while he talked. Anyway, some spittle landed on my buddy's desk, my buddy wiped it away with the back of his hand while he looked discussed at the teacher and said, "What's this shit?". LOL. He got expelled for that one. :)

[Master Wang-Ka]

Incident involving a turtle (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=200002&highlight=turtle)

Incident involving someone's butt (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=151130&highlight=fart)

The Jehovah's Witness story everyone's got to be getting sick of by now (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=155187&highlight=witness)

That Damn Cat (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=198487&highlight=waterbed)

[CandidGamera]

From the things I've seen around here, Wang-Ka is a tough act to follow, but I'll try.

I think I was about 14 or 15 at the time of the 'incident', though it may have been even earlier in my life. My mother was driving me to some-place-or-another.. the ultimate destination of that particular trip lost to the mists of time and memory.

We lived in a very very rural area, so it was not unusual to see animals of various sorts on and about the roadway, which at 1.9 lanes, was barely deserving of the title at all.

So there we were, my mind wandering off in the way it typically did when I was riding along to somewhere, not really paying attention.. Mom takes the care around a curve.. and there in front of us is the Duck.

Mom hits the brakes. They tell you that you should just hit an animal rather than cause an accident, but one's first instinct is something like "OhmygodI'mgonnakillthecutelittleanimal!", followed by "Ohmygodit'llmessupmycar!", typically. Maybe that's just me. Anyway, she brings the car to an abrupt halt, but not quite abrupt enough. The sound, I believe, was 'Clunk!'

I blink, shocked out of my travel-induced reverie by the sudden cessation of motion. Mom, always a bit high-strung, emits not-quite-a-scream, but-it'll-do. She begins to go forward again, to get away from the scene of the accident, and to calm her nerves.

Clunk!

Now she's in hysterics. Panicking, thinking that her going forward may bring more harm to the defenseless little bird, she throws the vehicle into reverse, and backs up.

Clunk!

That was just too much for her, so she just stopped and refused to move the car while she regained her composure. I, for my part, was chuckling already, at the almost farcical absurdity of the repeating clunk.

Then I collapsed completely with laughter as the Duck, somewhat dazed and worse for wear, but otherwise intact, waddled out from under the car and made his way back to the creek. Mom.. wasn't amused.

Nor does she appreciate the fact that I repeat the story any chance I get.


This is a True Story. Please considered it copyright Me, and don't reproduce without permission, and all that jazz.

[spittingkitten]

AWESOME!! I'm quite dissapointed in myself, I can't really think of much. I know there's something!

Most of what I think of is either an inside joke, or I was really high at the time, and they just probly aren't as funny to ya'll.

But. Little favorites keep coming to mind. My dog. When she sticks her head out the window, her lips flaaaap in the wind. And I mean, they go in like, perfectly undulating waves. I get absolutely hysterical every time I see it. Then she actually gets self conscious and pulls her head back in. Poor girl.

The part in Fear and Loathing where Dr. Gonzo is trying to get off the merry go round always kills me. I can't help it.

The funniest t-shirt I've ever seen: A friend of mine prints them. It's got this typical retarded looking picture of George Bush on it, and it says, "Stop Mad Cowboy Disease". Not sure if he came up w/ it himself, but I think it's brilliant.

Not My Desk. The funniest website on earth, ever. Go to his essays and read any archived one. I printed them all out ( at work ), and there was so much, that I felt guilty and paid them for all the paper.

That Goverment Warning Sign forward. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know how I could show ya'll. If there's a way, I would love to share it!

And this:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=241684&highlight=flouride
That's what brought me back to this message board.

My dad. So many things. It's funny now, but at the time I was mortified. Back when it was NOT cool to have him w/ me anywhere, especially the mall, he would follow me, and would then proceed to curl his arm up, drag a leg, and lurch behind me yelling my name in the true handicapped dialect, begging for me to wait for him. Oh my god. Priceless.

[Soul Brother Number Two]

Wang, I gotta tell you that your propensity to blow your own horn, and post links to your old OP's at every opportunity, doesn't portray you in a very good light. You even re-posted an old OP in its entirety the other day.

If your stuff is as funny as you think it is, and I think some of it is brilliant, then you'd come across much better if you let other people reference it for you, instead of doing it yourself.

Here's an example: what if Cervaise went around reposting his 'telemarketers' thread every chance he got? This OP is widely considered the funniest ever. It pops up every now and then as someone new discovers it. And then everybody says damn that was a funny OP and all that. Let your stuff gain posterity for its own sake.

I hope you can take this advice in the spirit it was given.

[ccwaterback]

Funny t-shirts:

(On the front of the t-shirt)
Arrow pointing up caption: The Man
Arrow pointing down caption: The Legend

This one always made me laugh. It had a little yellow smiley face on it, but the face had a frown. Under the face was a caption in very small print that you could read only if you were standing right next to the person, it said Fuck You.

My buddy had this t-shirt, he wore it for an entire 6 hours road trip once. The caption was: My girlfriend can't wrestle but you should see her box.

And the classic: I'm home, take me drunk.

[Count Blucher]

Once, when I was 4 and my brother was 8, my parents took us both to Washington (my father had a meeting there). My father had left from the hotel with a colleague in that person's car earlier in the morning. My mother was supposed to sight-see with 'the boys' and then pick him up at 6PM.

Now, the problem was, my mother wasn't a good driver, and she certainly didn't know Washington. As such, we were hopelessly lost at 5:30, trying to find 'K' Street. According to my brother, its at this point that she spies a Colonel, in full dress uniform with more medals on his chest than Patton, turning a corner and walking up a side street. Mom, God Bless her, turns right to follow him...and driving the Wrong Way down a One Way Street, rolls down her window and calls out to the Colonel :

"Officer! Officer! Do you know the way to 'K' Street?"

I have to say, the look on that man's face was Priceless....

(...and Yes, he gave her directions!!!)

[heater]

Not the funniest I can recall, but definitely an honorable mention.

Guy on a Harley, running down the highway, back of his T-shirt reads "Honk if you've never heard a 9mm fired from a moving Harley before"

[pool]

I was at a party in tenth grade and the girl who was throwing it was very rich and had a huge nice house. Anyway almost everyone was either in the backyard or on the back porch that was actually level with the second floor but had stairs down to the ground, anyway me being a retard I got on the wooden railing thing that went around the porch and started walking on it...Keep in mind that it was very dark outside...So I am walking along and suddenly my foot falls on air, and I plummet about 6 or 7 feet to the ground, what's that you say what did I fall on?, I fell on a pile of broken bricks and cinder blocks... now we get to the good part have you ever seen a movie where they make the sound of a record skipping and everyone looks in that direction...I swear I heard that record skipping ladies and gentleman and everyone at the party stopped what they were doing and looked at me and started laughing, and then I started lauging too

[spittingkitten]

My favorite license plate frame:

I go where I'm towed

Tooo friggin cute.

[NurseCarmen]

My sister's roommate was driving through an animal park somewhere in Florida one summer. She was there on vacation with her mother. Actually, she was the passenger, her mother was driving. They were in the area of the safari park that had the "gentle" animals. Ya know, the grass eaters and such, so they were allowed to have their windows open.

Imagine their glee as a curious Giraffe ambled over to the car. To see such a graceful animal up close was truly a treat. But it got better! The Giraffe was a curious one, and it adjusted itself a little, widened it's stance, and put it's head down near Amy's window. Amy was thrilled! She began petting it and speaking soothingly to it. The giraffe, now comfortable with the interlopers, became even braver, sticking it's ENTIRE head inside the car! Now Amy's mother was able to gleefully pet the creatures head as well!

The giraffe, with it's head now all the way over to the driver's side of the car, seemed to awkwardly stiffen. Without much of a notice, it began to quickly withdrawal itself from the vehicle. Amy and her mother's emotions went from awe and remorse, to horror as the Giraffe's head came flying back inside the vehicle, then flying back out. It took them only an instant to realize that they had just witnessed a giraffe sneeze. What took longer to realize, was that the warm moist ooze now covering the inside of the car and themselves was giraffe boogers. Yep. That's right. Twelve feet of neck's worth of phlegm and mucous had shot out of the giraffe, and judging from the description, the Giraffe had been suffering from a monster cold. It now covered nearly every nook and cranny of the interior of the K car.

Luckily, their hotel was less than an hour away, so they were able to escape the safari park and go back to shower. And that they did. They did just what everyone else would do and set their priorities. They would clean themselves of first, shower, etc, then tackle the car.

Did I mention that this was in Florida? Did I mention that this was the summer?

They put off cleaning the car even longer, they decided some leisure time near the pool should be had before they tackled it. The wall of stench hit them when they finally opened the car door. The giraffe phlegm had cooked in the hot Florida sun for nearly 2 hours. After much vomiting and breath holding, they managed to do an admirable job of cleaning it out. They left the widows open all night, checked in the morning and found only a faint remnant of the stench that had so brutally attacked them the day before.

Then came the hot Florida sun.

They ended up bringing it to a dealer, and spending somewhere near 100 bucks to get it cleaned and detailed. This was no mere rental car, this was their very own vehicle, and it was going to take them back to Virginia at vacation's end. They popped their heads in, and smiled at the fresh scent of the Dealer's finest solvents and cleansers.

Then came the hot Florida sun.

The rest of the vacation was spent by the pool. Or the far corner of the parking lot with windows open. Depending on whether you were a person or a car. The two day drive home was done entirely with all the windows open and the AC cranked. The car was lightly used after that, and was in fact sold the next winter. The kicker to this story is, that to this day, Amy can't stand mayonnaise. The mere thought of it repulses her.

[Ilsa_Lund]

Wang, I gotta tell you that your propensity to blow your own horn, and post links to your old OP's at every opportunity, doesn't portray you in a very good light. You even re-posted an old OP in its entirety the other day.

If your stuff is as funny as you think it is, and I think some of it is brilliant, then you'd come across much better if you let other people reference it for you, instead of doing it yourself.

Here's an example: what if Cervaise went around reposting his 'telemarketers' thread every chance he got? This OP is widely considered the funniest ever. It pops up every now and then as someone new discovers it. And then everybody says damn that was a funny OP and all that. Let your stuff gain posterity for its own sake.

I hope you can take this advice in the spirit it was given.



This works GREAT (http://www.metamucil.com/) :rolleyes:

[Alto]

Wang, I gotta tell you that your propensity to blow your own horn, and post links to your old OP's at every opportunity, doesn't portray you in a very good light. You even re-posted an old OP in its entirety the other day.

If your stuff is as funny as you think it is, and I think some of it is brilliant, then you'd come across much better if you let other people reference it for you, instead of doing it yourself.

Here's an example: what if Cervaise went around reposting his 'telemarketers' thread every chance he got? This OP is widely considered the funniest ever. It pops up every now and then as someone new discovers it. And then everybody says damn that was a funny OP and all that. Let your stuff gain posterity for its own sake.

I hope you can take this advice in the spirit it was given.

For what it's worth, essvee, I came into this thread specifically to link to Wang-ka's page. I see your point, and I suppose some people really will think "oh there he goes again with the same stories."

But he posted only links to previous posts, and made it clear that they were previous posts, rather than actually reposting the stories. I think the worst thing one could accuse him of would be a lack of proper Victorian diffidence. (And one can hardly expect a shy and retiring modesty from someone who chases Jehovah's Witnesses off his property half naked while waving a sword.)

[HeyHomie]

Funniest thing I ever said:

First, some backstory. When Mrs. HeyHomie and I first got married, I had this annoying habit, while driving, of harshly swerving the car when Mrs. HeyHomie was least expecting it, usually causing her to gasp and sometimes causing her to bonk her head on the window (I've since stopped doing this). Every time I did it I would say "deer." She never thought it was funny.

Then one day we're driving along and the truck in front of us unexpectedly swerves harshly to the left. Mrs. HeyHomie looked at me, dumbstruck. All I could think of to say was, "He must have seen a deer."

Hilarious.

[Intent]

Two funny cop stories. My dad was a cop and told me one, and then a friend of mine's cousin was involved in the other. They are both true stories.

1. Two cops are taking a guy they have picked up to jail. This was a long time ago, and between the front and back seats of the cop car there isn't glass or plastic, just a metal grate type thing. The prisoner has his hands cuffed behind his back, but no seat belt or anything on (do they even have those in cop cars?) So, the prisoner leans forward and is cussing at the cops, and spitting on them, and just generally being an ass. The driver looks at the other cop. "You got your seat belt on?" "Yeah, why" "Hold on." Then the driver shouts "DEER!!!" and slams the breaks. They said when they got to the jail, the prisoners face looked like hamburger.

2. Two cops are driving around one friday night, and they come across a car parked in the road. Further investigation finds the driver passed out drunk. So, one cop looks at the other and says, "lemme take care of this. When I wave my hand, turn your lights on." The cop goes up to the car, waves his hand, and starts running in place, and banging on the glass. The guy starts to wake up. "PULL OVER!" The cop shouts, "PULL OVER!", and bangs on the glass, still running in place. And the poor drunk wakes up and tries to stop his already parked car. Oooh, that made me laugh just typing it.

[emekthian]

5 Minute Voyager (http://3sygma.com/fiveminute). Especially funny for a Star Trek fan like me.

And I want to second Wang-Ka's stories- some of the funniest things I've ever read!

[OM Waterfall]

Some years back, some friends and I were at a rock-climbing centre, doing you guessed it- rock climbing. Anyhoo, we each assigned ourselves a partner based on mutual skill level/rock climbing experience.
This resulted in me, strong and lanky as hell, being coupled with a rugby-playing nerd (that's not a typo, he was beefy but also studied heaps) who thought he was pretty hot stuff. I had not been rock-climbing in ages and he neither.
After a bit of good natured ribbing of each other, each saying how we were going to climb the other's arse off, we agreed to forgo the kiddy walls and gentle slopes and tackle the (almost) vertical one straight off.
I went first, and after conquering the inward sloping section of the wall, paused at the beginning of the vertical section. At this point my friend calls from below, "You're the MAN!" I turn around to give him the thumbs up, and am immediately awestruck at how much higher 4 or 5 metres seems when you're actually up there. To tell the truth I felt nervous as hell, and developed a bit of a shake. I turn my attentions, and eyes, back toward the wall and begin to climb, repeating to myself, "You're not gunna fall". After what seems like an age, I reach the top, smack the wall and get lowered back down to the safe ground. Damn that feels good.
Now it is his turn and he swaggers up to the wall, clips on his caribeener and is off. After a couple of effortless metres, he stands up straight, extends his arms and calls, "Look Ma, no hands!"
"Me too!" call I, pretending to let go of the belay rope. He turns around to see if I actually did and immediately exclaims, "OH SHIT!!"
"I didn't really" I call out, showing the rope in my hands. "SHIT!" he exclaims again, and pulls himself close to the wall.
"Stop taking the piss" I laugh. "Once you get a bit higher you might really get scared."
"I'm scared now!" he snaps, before turning his head back toward the wall. "You should have told me how high I was". I wander over to the wall and stand beneath him. I could reach him from the ground. "You're seriously not that high up" I tell him, "You could probably jump from there and not get hurt."
"Shut up man, don't even joke about it!" he bellows. "Now help me climb down." I grab his foot and go to place it on a rock, and he kicks my hand away. "What're you trying to do, kill me??!?"
I'm getting kinda pissed off now, and say "Look, there's obviously only one way that I'm going to get you down." I walk over to him, reach up and pull down his pants. Whoops!! Got his boxers too!
He turns his head with the most pissed off expression imaginable, and it is suddenly too much. The sight of a big, seething guy with a bright red harness around his torso (I opted for the G-string version) and a bare arse clinging to a wall so close to the ground sends me into hysterics. At this point he begins yelling what a bastard I am and how he's going to kill me when he gets down.
I am by now helpless with laughter on the ground. A friend looks into the room and also starts whooping with laughter.
Enter the female manager.

[HDS]

My very beautiful and dignified cat Jake running down an icy driveway and spinning into the garage door. Wham! He then gives me the most pissed off look imaginable and walks away like he meant to do it. I giggled for a week about that.

[racer72]

I posted this once before but it's worth repeating. My wife and I went camping with my brother and his wife. A weekend away with no kids for neither of us. About 10:30 that night we decided to hit the sack. My wife and I went to the restroom and on the way back we came across a gift left by someone's dog. I found a plastic bag in a trash can and picked up the mess, it was right in the middle of a trail and for sure someone would step in it. My wife and I returned to our camping area and my brother and his wife left to use the facilities. Then an evil idea hit me. I went back to the trash can and retrieved said bag of doggy droppings and put a little on a popsicle stick. I then hid the stick behind a box in my brother's and SIL's tent. My wife and I climbed into our tent and zipped into our sleeping bags. 10 minutes later they return and go into their tent.
A few minutes later I hear my SIL: "Gary, did you fart?"
Gary: "No."
A minute later. "Yes you did."
"No I didn't."
SIL: "Yes you did. What did you do shit yourself? It stinks in here."
By now I have my face buried in my pillow so they won't hear me laughing. My wife has a serious case of the giggles.
I then hear their tent unzip. SIL: "Where are you going?"
Gary: One of us stepped in something, I'm putting our shoes outside."
I hear the tent zip close. 30 seconds later. "Gary, it still stinks in here. Are you sure you didn't fart?"
Gary: "It must be you, it's not me."
SIL: "How dare you say that. You know my farts don't stink."
The cheeks hurt. Tears were pouring. And that was my wife. I was in worse shape. I hear their tent unzip and both of them scrambling out. SIL: "Let's go to the bathroom, one of us must have something on us." They go off to the restroom and I go to their tent and remove the popsicle stick. They returned shortly thereafter and everyone went to sleep. I still haven't told my brother what I did, he would probably kill me if I told him.

[Jadis]

This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. It happened over 10 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I was listening to the local radio station while I was at work, and the DJ was doing a remote broadcast from some sort of fair. He was occasionally interviewing little kids, asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Following is the conversation that nearly had me wetting my pants:

DJ: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Girl: Ummm....I wanna be aaaaaaa....a HORSE!!
DJ: [totally deadpan] So, you'll be taking a liberal arts major in college then?

I'm serious...I had to sit down, I was laughing so hard. Hell, I'm cracking up right now, just remembering it. :D

[MikeG]

Halloween, 2002

I was walking home from work along a fairly busy street that is the border between Chicago and Evanston. There is ample evidence of eggings on the street and shop windows so I am a bit more situationally aware than usual, I remember being in a bit of a bad mood and thinking to myself "nobody better try any egging crap with me tonight"

I am crossing a street approcahing the other side where there is a bus stop. Several women are standing waiting for the bus. They are pretty obviously tired and on their way home from a hard days work; shoulders slumped, a bit of small talk, etc.

Around the corner comes running a pack of 8-10 boys in their early teens, shaving cream and eggs in hand. The womens' heads perk up at their calls, and one of the kids stops, takes an egg, and hurls it at a womans head from about 20 feet away.

I'm in the middle of the intersection so I got a perfect view of this. I'm telling you now, if I had a video camera I would have been 10 Grand richer from AFV!

...The woman reaches up, plucks the egg out of the air like she was Kerry Freakin' Wood intercepting a line drive over the mound, and in the same movement, whips it right back at the kid, catching him right in the side of the head!

I was crying with laughter, the women were high fiving her, the kids were on. the. ground. laughing at him, the kid was almost in tears from embarrassment....it was a scene like no other.

The woman walks over to the kid and goes into this Jerry Springer Mom on a Vengeance thing with the kid, she grabs him by the ear and starts berating him in front of his friends, I mean she was like a female Jesse Jackson full of Divine Wrath, I was in awe.

But it was Halloween and I had to get to the kids to take them trick or treating so I missed the ending.

[CandidGamera]

...The woman reaches up, plucks the egg out of the air like she was Kerry Freakin' Wood intercepting a line drive over the mound, and in the same movement, whips it right back at the kid, catching him right in the side of the head!

It's all in the reflexes. ;)

Maybe it was Jack Burton's mom.

[Elysian]

I was working at Layaway in perhaps the least busy time of the year in the most deserted Meijer in the world (Meijer, in case you didn't know, dwarfs just about any super-Wal-Mart or super-anything else). I was studying my Calculus homework and drawing curves. I had been uninterrupted the entire night, and I felt like the last person on earth.

Then I heard the announcement over the loudspeakers:

"Attention Meijer guests! Everything in the store is now FREEEEEEEEEEEEE."

I almost fell of my stool laughing. Very soon afterwards the most pissy voice you have ever heard said "Disregard last page."

No one got fired for that. Wonder if they ever caught the guy.

[nisosbar]

"The Guru" with Marisa Tomei was funny.

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" was funny.

Chevy Chase has always made my sides split. Judy Tenuta. Ellen DeGeneres is truly hilarious, and I'm not just saying that because she's a lesbian (and I loved her voice in "Finding Nemo"). If you remember the Fox comedy/variety show, "The Edge", which launched Jim Carrey's career as well as the Wayan brothers, that was a hilarious show. SCTV, too.

Actually, it's funny how they say that people who do comedy are actually deeply unhappy, or were as children.

[Master Wang-Ka]

Hey, it's not easy having an ego like mine to keep fed. :D

As to the reposting of the old post... man, I do NOT like Jehovah's Witnesses. What can I say?

I did take the advice in the manner in which it was plainly intended, though... i.e., "criticism" instead of "insult."

And I have already begun thinking of this thread as "The Horror Of Giraffes..." (where's a retching motie when you really need one?)

[MaxTheVool]

This is one from the "We can look back on it and laugh" files.


One of my close friends has had a quite unpleasant life in many ways. One evening, she was having really severe flashbacks to a time when she was sexually molested by her uncle. I was trying to be a cheery and supportive friend, without much success. We had recently seen South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, so I started talking about how we had been promised punch and pie, which caused her to actually start laughing. Giddy with my own success, I quickly racked my brain for another South Park quote, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was.... "No one fucks uncles quite like you".


Amazingly, she's still my friend.

[kambuckta]

I was at work a couple of weeks ago, ringing people who were long term supporters of our charity to tell them about a new campaign (and thereby asking them to donate more $ of course... :D )

Ringing Mrs. Jane Smith in outback New South Wales, a bloke answered the phone.

kam: "Hi, it's kambuckta here from XXX, could I please speak to Jane?"

Bloke: "Nah, she's not 'ome".

kam: "Oh, OK, I'll........"

Bloke: "She's out doing lunch with the girls."

kam: "No worries, that's fine, I'll ring her back later".

Bloke: "I wouldn't bother if I was you luv"

kam: "Huh?"

Bloke: "She'll need a ventilator by the time she gets home".



Just one of those little gems that keep me sane in an otherwise insane job.

:D

[interface2x]

...The woman reaches up, plucks the egg out of the air like she was Kerry Freakin' Wood intercepting a line drive over the mound, and in the same movement, whips it right back at the kid, catching him right in the side of the head!


I can only imagine that this was the coolest thing you have ever seen! Man, that had to look awesome.

[ccwaterback]

A friend of mine got arrested once and they gave him his one phone call. He ordered a pizza.

[elliot]

I was one of five people crammed in a little car on the freeway this morning. A carpool lane starts and the driver asks us whether she should get in it and we all figure that she shouldn't because the traffic's moving quickly. So the opening in the carpool lane ends and now there's a double yellow line between it and our lane. Suddenly, the traffic just stopsand we're driving ten miles an hour, eying the empty traffic lane next to us.

Passenger: Just go over to the carpool lane
Driver: It's a double yellow line. I'll get a ticket
P: sure you can, no one will see.
d. yes they will
p: no they won't
d: yes they will.
p: NO THEY WON'T. I SWEAR ON MY LIFE NO ONE WILL SEE!

right then a cop car sped right past in the carpool lane.

[ccwaterback]

I knew a guy that was an exhibitionist. On St. Pat's day he walked into the bar wearing nothing but cowboy boots, and his dick dyed green.

[CreaseMunky]

Funniest thing I ever saw? Easy.

My Dad's side of the family is Greek Orthodox, so every year for Greek Easter my Uncle Ernie had a family get together complete with the cooking of a whole lamb over an open spit. All told, maybe about 70 people. Greek Easter usually takes place a week after Easter as most people know it, so it's about mid April at this time. Slightly brisk, but not uncomfortably cold for Westchester County, NY.

Uncle Ernie had a beautiful German Shepherd named Athena. One of the sweetest dogs ever. She would run around and play, be affectionate, be an attention whore... just a sweet dog. Athena was a (fixed) girl dog.

This particular year, one of the other relatives brought over her dog... one of those annoying yap-yap-yap poodles the size of a football The first instinct I had was "Punt!" The poodle was a boy dog.

The lamb was done cooking, about 70 people sat down at picnic tables to enjoy the Easter feast, and a rather noticeable whimper comes up over by the spit.

Apparently, Athena laid down by the butcher table waiting for scraps. While she was there, Mr. Football-On-Legs decides he's going to get some. So in the middle of a family holiday party, we are treated to the sight of a Poodle trying to fuck a German Shepherd. His little paws on her rump, his little head just barely clearing her back, and pumping for all he was worth.

After about two minutes of this, Athena decides she's had enough. She turned her head back and made a low growl at her paramour.

That Poodle made a land speed record for the 100 yard dash. In the complete opposite direction he was facing half a second before. Into the woods. Took his owner almost 2 hours to get him to come out.

The entire time Mr. F.O.L. was in the woods, Athena went about her normal life. She got an extra helping of scraps (and not so-scraps) from me that day.

[paul'smars]

Well, after reading all these I decided not to post mine, since it paled by comparison. But I have never repeated this to anyone and it still makes me smile.

Background: I have always been shy and never speak in groups or to people that I do not know.

During summer vacation while in Grade school (grade 1-5) there was an auction at my school in the auditorium. I remember no other details. Me, my best friend and his Dad where there. They were selling some no to interesting items. They sold a really pathetic looking plant with no leaves. Then MC brings out another plant that had leaves and did not look so pathetic. He said that he thinks that this is the same kind of plant as the last one. I yelled "No, that ones alive". Well, Everyone (except the MC) just cracked-up do. Including my friends father.

This was my moment of fame.

Does this rate?

[rinni]

Background info: Kids around here are mostly horrible, vile creatures deserving of no less than hatred - insulting at random, spitting on people, swearing, vandalising and just generally being out of control.

Story: I had a boyfriend once, Robert, who had a mohawk, and as we and a group of friends were walking down the street (we would have been about 16), a little girl of maybe 8 to 10 years old drives by on a bike.

She stares at my mohawked boyfriend, turning her head completely around (but not in an Exorcist way) to look at us, and we glare back because apparently this adorable little creature hasn't yet learned that it's rude to stare.

Then, as she's gaping and not watching where she's going, she crashes directly into a telephone pole and falls over. :D

My friend Theresa cracks up loudly, and it gets to the point where she can no longer talk. The rest of us are just dumbfounded and also can't talk, because we're still unsure as to whether that had actually happened.

"Theresa!" says my always considerate friend Lisa, to admonish her for laughing.

Theresa: "What? It was funny!" ... and continues laughing.

Lisa says to the girl, "Are you okay?"

The girl picks herself and her bike up, dusts off, and yet still has venom in her after her embarrassing moment - no lessons learned for her! She sneers at Robert and says sarcastically: "Niiiice haaair."

Then my other friend Brent looks at her and matter-of-factly says, "You just ran into a pole." This sets us off into gales of laughter. As we all crack up, our inhibitions loosened by the pointless hatred spewed at us from this random kid, she gets back on her bike and drives away.

[Booker57]

If I knew how to post I would. "Wally M7 and a small furry pet"
Miss you Wally

[Roadwalker]

My friend and I were drinking at his house one night. thier family dog, Benji (girl dog) was in heat and had to be kept in. She got out. So my friend's teenage sister went out looking for her.
My buddy and I were still drinking when Benji was brought in by dad. Sister came home later and was overjoyed to see her. So she goes up and start petting Benji and saying:
"Ohhhh where were you Benji, I was so worried...Benji, whats this all over your back?"
Friend and I look at each other.
Sister sceeeeeems!:
"AAAAAAAHHHHH! BENJI! THERE'S DOG-CUM ALL OVER YOU!"
Oh man, we laughed so hard I thought we would die. We couldn't even drink any more.


Oh, also, I had a T-shirt that said:Smile if you're not wearing panties

[ArrMatey!]

I worked in a mall for a while. Still go back there every once in a while to people watch. Around last November, I'm watching, and I see this grandfather walking with his grandson, who is maybe five or six years old. Kid sees something interresting and begins to run. Grandpa says, "Wait, <name of kid>, don't run, don't run." The kid slows down and looks at grandpa who catches up to him. Grandpa says, "If you run, you'll slip and hurt yourself."
Just at that moment, another five-year-old comes tearing by at full speed, trips on a shoelace or something, and faceplants right in front of grandpa and kid. There's a half-second pause, and grandpa says, "...Just Like that."

I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. Especially since the grandson looked up at grandpa like he must have been the wisest man in the world at that point.

[j_kat_251]

Bloke: "She's out doing lunch with the girls."

kam: "No worries, that's fine, I'll ring her back later".

Bloke: "I wouldn't bother if I was you luv"

kam: "Huh?"

Bloke: "She'll need a ventilator by the time she gets home".


I don't get this. And I'm from the same country and everything. What's going on there?

[inkleberry]

This is one from the "We can look back on it and laugh" files.


One of my close friends has had a quite unpleasant life in many ways. One evening, she was having really severe flashbacks to a time when she was sexually molested by her uncle. I was trying to be a cheery and supportive friend, without much success. We had recently seen South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, so I started talking about how we had been promised punch and pie, which caused her to actually start laughing. Giddy with my own success, I quickly racked my brain for another South Park quote, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was.... "No one fucks uncles quite like you".


Amazingly, she's still my friend.

Heh. I'm gonna take exception to the "unpleasent life in many ways" statement. It really hasn't been unpleasent overall. Just certain sections. Mostly, it's quite a gas.

Anyway, that incident was funny then, and it's funny now. At least to you and I. Other people I tell that story to react in horror.

[Nightingale]

My cat, Molly, used to have this thing about plastic grocery bags. She loved them, played with them every chance she got. One night she was wrestling with one in the hallway of our old apartment and somehow got the handle around her middle -- head and shoulders hanging out on one side, rear legs on the other. The bag wasn't tight so I just watched her to see what she'd do. She noticed my looking and immediately went into "What bag?" mode. She flopped down inthe hallway floor and pretended to be very interested in grooming herself.

About five minutes later a noise in the living room got her attention and she started trotting down the hall to investigate. Except the bag was still stuck to her, so after about three steps she realized that something loud, rustly and scary was chasing her, and it was right on her tail!

Poor Molly went into light speed. She bolted into the living room, ran across the back of the couch, and then made about two laps around the room before the bag came loose. Then she sped down the hall and hid under the bed. Me, my husband, and the friend that was living with us at the time were all literally rolling on the floor, laughing too hard to stand. For six months after that all one of us had to do was recount the story of When Bags Attack and we'd laugh ourselves into tears.

[Rilchiam]

I don't get this. And I'm from the same country and everything. What's going on there?

Yeah, I wanna know too.

Best I can come up with is, the missus was expected to be drinking and smoking so much at her "lunch" that she'd need a respirator when she got home. If that's the same as a ventilator.

[Count Blucher]

When I was a newly wed, my wife's car needed to pass inspection. In an act of devotion and love known only to NJ state residents, I said I'd take her car to the DMV to get inspected. Now it was a long line that I was in and it would be at least an hour before it was my turn to enter the airplane hanger-esque building. But every few minutes, the line would move up one car length.

I had just moved up one car length and had put my wife’s car in 'P'ark, when I heard tires squealing & patching out. I remember thinking that it must have been some kid who failed his driving test...right before the "B-O-O-M!!!" that got my car to lurch forward. Given how my whole body's weight was lifted out of the seat anyway, I Instinctively Stood on the brakes, locking up all 4 tires. And yet my car was still moving forward. In slow motion, I hit the car in front of me & then drove that car into the car in front of him. Evidently, the 80 year old man behind me confused his brake with his accelerator pedal and had driven the car I was in into 5 other cars before the engine died.

So, I'm lying in my seat, dazed and in pain, when I see a guy in uniform come jogging over from the airplane hanger. He leans in the window...and I thought he was checking my vitals of doing a first aid check-list. But then I notice that he's fooling with the windshield. Dazed as I was, he was already finished scraping off my old inspection sticker and had put on a red 'failed inspection' sticker before I could react.

"What the Hell are you Doing....?" I yelled.
"Sorry, Bud, you Failed Inspection," he called back. "You have broken taillights."

[paul'smars]

When I was a newly wed, my wife's car needed to pass inspection. In an act of devotion and love known only to NJ state residents, I said I'd take her car to the DMV to get inspected. Now it was a long line that I was in and it would be at least an hour before it was my turn to enter the airplane hanger-esque building. But every few minutes, the line would move up one car length.

I had just moved up one car length and had put my wife’s car in 'P'ark, when I heard tires squealing & patching out. I remember thinking that it must have been some kid who failed his driving test...right before the "B-O-O-M!!!" that got my car to lurch forward. Given how my whole body's weight was lifted out of the seat anyway, I Instinctively Stood on the brakes, locking up all 4 tires. And yet my car was still moving forward. In slow motion, I hit the car in front of me & then drove that car into the car in front of him. Evidently, the 80 year old man behind me confused his brake with his accelerator pedal and had driven the car I was in into 5 other cars before the engine died.

So, I'm lying in my seat, dazed and in pain, when I see a guy in uniform come jogging over from the airplane hanger. He leans in the window...and I thought he was checking my vitals of doing a first aid check-list. But then I notice that he's fooling with the windshield. Dazed as I was, he was already finished scraping off my old inspection sticker and had put on a red 'failed inspection' sticker before I could react.

"What the Hell are you Doing....?" I yelled.
"Sorry, Bud, you Failed Inspection," he called back. "You have broken taillights."

Funny? I have been pissed off many times, but I have never been as pissed as I would have been if this had happened to me! How did u react?

[Tommyturtle]

Remember when poor Peewee Herman was arrested for possibly the most embarrassing thing you can get arrested for?

Shortly after that he was the presenter on some award show and when they announced his name the crowd goes crazy since this would be his first public appearance since the theatre incident

He stands there silent and waits until they fall completely silent then says "So have you heard any good jokes lately?"

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

One of the funniest things I've heard in recent history was on the radio...

They had people calling in, imitating their spouses, mocking them etc.

This one woman calls in, last caller of the morning, and says:

(paraphrasing, cause this was a while ago)

"My husband is always complaining about my taste in things.

"How can you watch Friends? You like Billy Joel?? You read Cosmo!!

....

Do you realize that we're black???"

I'm sorry but when she said it, she had perfect comedic timing... And I almost went off the road,... It was far too funny.

[DarkPrince]

I was in bed with my girlfriend at the time in our small room when we hear a rustling noise from our left near the door. We both turn towards the noise when there's a small "mew?" and her pet cat proceeds to launch itself towards us.
She clears the bed by two feet while our heads swivel in unison as we watch her arc above us and slam head-first into the wall on the other side missing the window by about six inches.
The cat quickly sits up, looks around quickly, notices at my girlfriend and me staring at her, then scampers out of the room as fast as she can with a wild-eyed expression.

I think we laughed for about three minutes straight without breathing. :D

[angelicate]

This may sound mean, but even the kids mom laughed at him, so I don't feel so bad.
My mom and I were at the mall one day, sitting on a bench eating pretzels and watching people walk by. We both looked over just in time to see two ladies and a little boy (Probably about 2 or so) leaving a store. The ladies were walking toward the door, and the little boy was running at full speed toward what he thought was the door, but was actually a big plate glass window with no writing or posters or anything on it. For all intents and purposes, to a 2 year old's eyes, he was running toward an empty space.
Until he ran smack-dab into it and bounced off.
My mouth dropped open in shock, and I watched him get up, look at the window with a really freaked out, confused look on his face for a while, and then burst into tears.
I laughed, my mom laughed, and the two ladies that he was with laughed. I just have to wonder what that kid was thinking, and if he's cautious around open doorways now. =)

[JohnBckWLD]

My favorite license plate frame...
The mention of license plates, reminded me of this one.

Lenny, the manager of the place I work in is Italian but always gets teased for looking like Saddam.

Immediately following the September 11th disaster, the Feds put a lockdown on all Iraqi diplomats, none were allowed to leave the Island of Manhattan.

With a little research in google, we discovered the Diplomatic License Plate code for Iraq was TS.

After copying a picture of a diplomatic license plate off the net & a little fark work to insert the TS, this was the result =>TS0597 (http://public.fotki.com/JohnBuckLINY/work_stuff/plate.html).

When Lenny came into the office for lunch, we carefully taped the cardboard plates over his real ones. When he headed back out on the road, he made it as far as North Yonkers before being pulled over on I-87 by a trooper.

Needless to say, neither the cops nor Lenny thought it was very funny.

If there was ever a video of him getting pulled over and the cops cautiously walking up to his driver side winow with their guns drawn, I know both I & the guys @ work would heartily disagree - We were hysterical just watching him pull out of the parking lot.

[Count Blucher]

Funny? I have been pissed off many times, but I have never been as pissed as I would have been if this had happened to me! How did u react?

I have to admit that if I hadn't been in shock, I might swung on him. But there were other people there trying to help me and he waded away through the crowd. OK, I did think it was funny when the ambulance had to cross-country through the Driver Test course to take me to the hospital. ;)

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

But it makes me laugh every time...

My ex and I were driving home from somewhere, and passed a Kentucky Fried Chicken. They had a sign for their potpies out front and I turned to Ex and said... You know, a pot pie sounds pretty good right about now.

Ex: Well yeah, if it didn't have peas in it. (Ex *hates* peas)

Me: (loves peas) What would a pot pie be without any peas?

Ex looks at me.

Me: I guess that would be an Ot Ie?

I think the funniest thing was that he was trying SO hard not to laugh, because it really was just the lamest joke, but for at least an hour he was supressing the giggles. If he'd just let loose and laughed, I'm sure it would have been done in a matter of seconds ;)

[curly chick]

My mother and I were driving in Northern Ireland* a lot of years ago now and as we were driving up some anonymous country road, she said:
"My God! Look! Have you ever seen such an enormous horse?"

I hadn't; it was VAST, and I mean mind-bogglingly gigantic.

We carried on discussing the hugeness of this animal as we got closer to it, as we got nearer, it turned round to look at us. Now, call us sharp, if you like, because as soon as it did that and we saw its trunk; we deduced that it was an elephant. Clever, eh?
:D

Hey, no one told us that the zoo was in town, but my mother nearly crashed the car into said elephant, she was laughing so much!

*Crucial to the story on a global board such as this, because elephants are not indigenous to these here parts!

[Eats_Crayons]

Poor Molly went into light speed. She bolted into the living room, ran across the back of the couch, and then made about two laps around the room before the bag came loose. Then she sped down the hall and hid under the bed. Me, my husband, and the friend that was living with us at the time were all literally rolling on the floor, laughing too hard to stand. For six months after that all one of us had to do was recount the story of When Bags Attack and we'd laugh ourselves into tears.That happened to my former housemate's cat. One Christmas, when he and his brother were kids, they were getting the decorations out of storage. Of course, pet-owner's must decorate their pets. It says so in the owner's manual, right above the part where is says: "If you pull a sticky-bow off the present you are unwrapping, you must stick it to your pet's head."

They found a lone, little jingle bell, and with a twist-tie, securely attached it to the end of Max's tail (and Max really was not the brightest cat).

Max took two steps. *...jingle... jingle*

"What was that???" Looks around. *...jingle... jingle*

"Sounds like something's behind me!" Turns quickly to look. *jingle! jingle!*

Tail thrashes nervously. *Jingle!...Jingle!...Jingle!*

"What is that?!!?" Spins around! *JINGLE! JINGLE!*

"AAAAHHHH! Jingle-monster gonna get me!!!"

Takes off at top speed in blind panic *JINGLEJINGLEJINGLEJINGLEJINGLEJINGLE*

Blind panic cat = crashing into stuff = broken lamps = kids in Big Trouble!

So in addition to a panicking cat, there were two panicking kids who desperately needed to catch the beast before it broke something and they were held responsible.

Housemate-to-be's mom was sipping tea in the kitchen.

See's puffed-up panic-Max blast past kitchen door "JINGLEJINGLEJINGLE"...

Followed by desperate Kid#1 "Oh,no! Oh,no! Oh,no! Oh,no!"...

Followed by desperate Kid#2 "Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!"...

Housemate-to-be's mom hears crash and thud from livingroom.

Past kitchen door:
JINGLEJINGLEJINGLE-OhNoOhNoOhNoOhNo-WaitWaitWaitWait...

Crash and thud from master bedroom.

Past kitchen door:
JINGLEJINGLEJINGLE-NONONONONO-WAITWAITWAITWAIT...

Eventually Max was too exhausted to keep running, and flopped on his side. The house was trashed. Kid were grounded.

In hindsight however, it was funny. They've since dubbed the incident the "Panic Train."

[Loach]

I'm sure this falls under the catagory of "well it was funny to me".

It was I think Feb of 92. I was in an Army tent in Ft Irwin CA, in the Mojave desert. It was a very cold and wet Feb for the desert. I was in aviation at the time and we were weathered in. About 8 of us were sitting around in this GP medium tent BSing and telling war stories. We had the pot belly stove going to keep us warm. The stove was acting funny. There was an unusual amount of soot and crud accumulating in the stove and it was affecting the operation. This unit was based in Texas and most of the guys did not have much experience with these stoves. The senior Sergeant in the tent (we were all sergeants) was obsessing about the stove. I told him that in Germany we used to toss some water into the stove while it was going. This would send all the crud up the stovepipe. What I didn't tell him was we had different stoves. The pot belly stove has an openning on the top. The yukon stove we used in Germany was Rectangular and had a door on the side. While not recommnded you could throw some water into the side door, then close it quickly. Another guy there had come from Germany and he joined in with me. As we were telling the guy about our stove cleaning technique I saw that he was wandering slowly over to the stovewhile drinking water from his coffee mug. I was thinking to myself "no he's not really gonna do it". As he slowly lifted the top plate I began to pull my sleeping bag up over my nose so only my eyes were showing.

Suddenly he threw the contents of the mug into the stove and was immediately engulfed in a huge ball of fire.

I quickly threw the sleping bag over my head ( I was less than 10 feet away) and I did what anyone would in anemergency situation like that. I began to laugh hysterically. When I pulled the sleeping bag down I saw he was on his ass 15 feet away from the stove and someone was slapping at his smouldering eyebrows.

Just then someone ,who was outside and saw the huge ball of soot and smoke come out of the stovepipe, came bursting into the tent and said "what the hell happened, someone just elect a new pope?".




Well it was funny to me. :D

[ccwaterback]

I knew a guy that won the lottery. Well he won one of those smaller games, this particular game usually pays out over $2000.00 for the winning ticket. So he comes into the bar and proceeds to buy rounds of drinks. He ran up a bar tab over $350.00. The next day he checked the payout of his lottery ticket, $78.00. Seems there were many people with the same numbers he had, lots of winners, it set a record for the lowest payout for that particular game. :D

[Rico]

1982. San Luis Obispo, California. I was working evenings at Sly 96FM. Our morning drive host was an insane man who called himself Captain Buffoon.

Buffoon and his newsman, Fred, had a bit they did every Thursday morning where Fred would tell Buff the year and artist of the song that was number one on this date in history, and Buff would guess the song. One morning I was driving to a friend's house when the following exchange occurred:

Fred: "...And the number one song this week in 1952 was by The Mills Brothers."

Buff: "Hmm...let's see...the Mills brothers...1952...I've drawn a blank, Fred, give me a hint."

Fred: (singing) "Glow little glow worm, glimmer, glimmer..."

Buff: "Ohhhhh! Yes, that's what happens when I take a leak out at Diablo (Canyon Nuclear Power Plant)!

I almost drove off the road. I had to pull over, I was laughing so hard.

Another Buffon story: I was covering the local Jerry Lewis Telethon efforts for KSLY and ran into the local news anchor, a good friend and a very pretty young lady. I convinced her to call Buffoon and talk on the air with him.

Donna and Buff had a very nice conversation about the fund-rasing efforts, then Buff piped up with: "Hey Donna, wanna take a shower with me?"

Background: A shower with Buffoon was a staple of his morning show. A young lady would call up, he had all the sound effects of shower running, etc. - and he would "take a shower" with them on the air.

To my surprise, Donna said "SURE!"

The shower effects started, and Buff went through his regular schtick, then the following occurred:

Buff: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in the shower with you, Donna! Would you soap my back?"

Donna: "Sure, Buff, turn around. OH! I'm sorry, you ARE turned around!"

ZING! I think that's the only time I ever heard Buff lose his composure on the air.

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

This summer my family took a vacation to Boston, and we went to the New England Aquarium. Right when you come inside you can see these big rocks with water all around them.

My family walks towards the rocks, and my mom says, "Oh, look, Lindsay! There's a kitty on that rock--a black and white cat!"

And so I look, and it's not a cat. It's a penguin. I bust out laughing and so do my dad and brother. Meanwhile, my mom is playing it off by trying to say she wasn't wearing her glasses or something like that.

So when we came back to home to Kansas City, we were standing in the airport waiting for our bags to come by on the convayer belt. The people next to us have an animal carrier...with a black and white cat inside.

I poke my mom and whisper, "Hey, they've got a penguin in that carrier..."

[meyer]

There is a store in Vancouver called "I Love Hats" - and they sell, you guessed it, hats. Anyways, when i first moved to the city, my friend and I were riding the bus one day and we passed I Love Hats. My friend turns to me and says "How can a store exist that sells only hats? People don't even wear hats anymore!". Just then, the bus stopped at a red light, and we both looked out the window. There, waiting for the walk light to cross the street was a group of about 20 people. And I swear, every one of them was wearing a hat! All different kinds of hats - fedoras and ballcaps, rasta hats and boaters. I collapsed into hysterics and could only point helplessly out the window in explaination.

[ccwaterback]

When I get together with my brother, we always have a good laugh about something. My brother is a big race fan, so we got talking about NASCAR. In the way we usually do, we started making up things that should be required in a NASCAR race. We propose it would be more challenging if the drivers were faced with everyday obstacles met by commuters in the big city.

There should be simi trucks in the race with at least one blown tire flapping along, tossing tire parts at random. A car with flat tire stopped in the middle of the track with all it's doors, trunk and engine hood open. At least once a race have a dog, cat or deer run across the track. Have an elderly couple driving 25 MPH with their right turn signal on. A dump truck full of tree limbs needs to race around the track with them, dumping debris along the way. And finally, everyone in the race must slam on their breaks and come to a complete stop at least once.

[JoeSki]

There should be simi trucks in the race with at least one blown tire flapping along, tossing tire parts at random. A car with flat tire stopped in the middle of the track with all it's doors, trunk and engine hood open. At least once a race have a dog, cat or deer run across the track. Have an elderly couple driving 25 MPH with their right turn signal on. A dump truck full of tree limbs needs to race around the track with them, dumping debris along the way. And finally, everyone in the race must slam on their breaks and come to a complete stop at least once.

What, no vans with pornos playing on the TV in the back as distractions?

[Miss Purl McKnittington]

If I knew how to post I would. "Wally M7 and a small furry pet"
Miss you Wally

Booker, you said Wally and I went a searching spree, which I'm trusting the hamsters will forgive, as it was a good cause. I found:

Good-night, Nurse! (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=19733)
Why Me? (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=24442) (involves gerbil death) I giggled myself into hiccups.

Of course, there's always the tribute on the TeemingMillions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp He left way before I was even a member, but, gah, his posts prevent him from leaving the SDMB.

Reading that page left me feeling all unamused and non-giggly. Then I went to Evil Nazi Groundhogs (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=15906) and its sequel (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=169729&highlight=nazi+groundhogs).

This (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1099610#post1099610) is funny too. Man-boobies, indeed.