The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU!

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Somebody on another MB posted a link to this.

It's a guy who calls himself "Ted Jesus Christ God" and he claims to be the second coming. He has a huge list of commandments (http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_thetjcgcommandments.htm) that are comedy gold.

There are too many to paste them all but here are a few of my favorites:
Do not compete too much with the Creator.

Do not make fun of God.

Do not mock God.

Do not jeer God
It sounds like God is a retarded kid. Do not compete "too much" with him? I guess that means you can play some one-on-one basketball with him but just make sure you let him win.
Do not torture. Physical Torture is only for THE ONE LIVING GOD and for any that HE delegates this to. For anybody else doing this then this is a sin.
I'm glad we got that straight.
Do not Mass Murder.

Do not make a snuff film or video.

Do not become a terrorist
I think those are some rules we can all get behind.
Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.
Another one I whole-heartedly endorse.
If a Human then do not have sex with animals.
I'm glad he left that loophole for animals.
Do not if a women or female ride horses or riding animal straddling the horse or riding animal because this can and does make her have orgasms and multiple orgasms and is considered having sex with that animal.
I'm not sure his description would discourage any females from wanting to ride a horse.
Do not allow your hymen to be broken in unless you are married and this is from your husband using your husbands penis.

Do not eat people.
I love the randomness of this list.
If getting a divorce the wife is NOT to get custody or fight for custody of the children if the husband wants custody.

If in a marriage and a wife do not try to compete with or be above the husband.
I'm sure the girls are all over this guy.
Do not defecate on anybody for any reason or rub this on anybody for any reasons including for sex.
It's about time somebody put a stop to that.
If a women or female do NOT be a women libber.
Are there still "women's libbers?"
Do not strangle anybody while having sex.
What about when you're not having sex?
Do not threaten people unless these deserve to be threatened.
Not much wiggle room there, is there?
Do not for a women or female put inside of her sexual balls that cause here to have orgasms.

<snip>

Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations.
He really seems to hate the female orgasm but somehow I have a feeling he's never actually witnessed one.
Do not do anything Gay or Lesbian or Bi-sexual or Homosexual.
Redundant much?
Do not have sex with self.
But what if I really love me?

There is much, much more but I would like people to discover some of those gems on their own. I will just skip down to my favorite one.
Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible.
We now have the definitive word on farting.

You should really read the whole list to get the full power and effect of the comedy.

Oh, and since this is the Pit...fuckity fuckity fuck-tit.

[Neurotik]

How about "Do not post hilarious threads that make me giggle uncontrollably during normal working hours?"

This is the funniest thing I've read today.
Do not compete too much with the Creator.

Do not make fun of God.

Do not mock God.

Do not jeer God
Do not taunt happy fun ball.

[Ilsa_Lund]

Astoundingly pit worthy. :rolleyes:

Especially with the pit language, all fuckity fuck and whatnot. :rolleyes:

[Fern Forest]

This guy must have the weeniest god ever if you need a commandment that says "Do not take advantage of God."

"If a TJCG Prophet then do NOT copyright or legally encumber or collect royalties or trademark or legally protect anything that you write or your works." Dammit!

[World Eater]

I must be out of it today, I don't really find any of those funny.

<shrugs>

[troub]

"Do not sell cigarettes or cigars or anything that is smoked."

Oh no! Not even salmon, or ribs?!?

[Taran]

Do not use DarkSide language.Do not ignore people in need ... if somebody is hurt or injured or needs help you are to help them if you can if a LightSide Human. If a DarkSide Human you can ignore them or refuse to help them! Do not watch and listen to rock concerts. Almost ALL of this is from Evil. These are NOT LightSide Humans. These are DarkSide Humans. Satan or Devil and Demons possess the audience. Satan or Devil and Demons are pupating or Possessing the performers. Do not watch theater. The vast majority of this is from Evil. These performing are mostly DarkSide Humans. Them performing are mostly Possessed. Therefore you are getting entertained by Satan or Devil and Demons. :confused:
Do not play chess. :(

[Lord Ashtar]

He really seems to hate the female orgasm but somehow I have a feeling he's never actually witnessed one.

I'd say that's a safe assumption.

If this is the Second Coming then I am so not impressed.

[Strainger]

Do not dilute God.
I find that if I dilute God with a gallon of water, it does an excellent job of removing calcium and mildew stains from my shower. Guess I shouldn't do that anymore.
Do not take any over the counter and prescription and illegal Drugs also called Pharmaceuticals. These can and many do cause PERMANENT DAMAGE to vital organs. This is 100 to 1000 to 10K times more lethal for you than the eating of pork and unclean meats!Must be a Christian Scientist.
Do not take the name of THE ONE LIVING GOD in vane.My ONE LIVING GOD vane indicates that the wind is blowing toward the Northeast.Do not have sex in a car or truck or SUV.I see he didn't rule out conversion vans.

[Binarydrone]

I love these ones:

Do NOT allow your Genetics to be Altered or quote Fixed or Changed that is currently called Gene Therapy! This is a DRASTIC SIN! This will cause GENETIC DEFECTS that will be passed on to children and descendents and this will be 100 to 1000 to 10K and MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats!


Do not drink or eat or put in your body or on your body anything that is Biotech. This includes NOT allowing anything put topically or in your nose or in your eyes or shots or put in veins or given through an IV or Intravenously anything that is Biotech. The things made from Biotech are ENORMOUS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Many things from Biotech can and will cause PERMANENT GENETIC DEFECTS that can be passed on to children and grandchildren and descendents. Biotech is 100 to 1000 to 10K and some MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats!

Mocking aside, it is good to finally get word from above that is specific and speaks to the problems that I face every day.

[The Man With The Golden Gun]

Do not child molest.

Child molest? Child molest? MOLEST CHILDREN, NUMB NUTS!

Do not participate in demeaning.

Huh?

Do not pee on anybody for any reason including for sex.

No Second Coming of Jesus would say the word "pee".

Do not live in wicked cities.

Once again, huh?

Do not become or be a dirty person.

Considering I haven't showered in two days, I can say this is one I've broke.

Do not have sex with any man that is not circumcised.

?????

Do not eat anything that is snake.

What about badgers?

Do not be dishonest.

Do not lie.

Okay. This page is full of shit and the webmaster is batshit insane. There, I was honest. Happy now?

If a man do not shave your face.

Keeping up with my as-recent awful hygiene habits, I can say this is another one I haven't broke.

[UrbanChic]

Do not verbalize God in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Christ in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Lord or anything similar in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Jesus in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone.Teddamnit! There are way to many Tedding commandments. How the Ted does he expect ordinary non-Teds to remember all that Ted.

Aw, Ted it!

[Biggirl]

Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.

What if he's called Bob? Can I cut 'em off then?

[Otto]

Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible. Wow, what are the odds? I broke this one the very second I read it! But only the "around people" part; it was SBD. Damn cranberry juice!

[Duke]

Do not verbalize God in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Christ in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Lord or anything similar in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Jesus in a swearing tone.

Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone. I know when I've hit my thumb with a hammer, I've often screamed TED! TED-DAMNIT! at the top of my lungs.Do not get into the movie or television or entertainment industry. Ted's looking out for our best interests, though. Do not hack. T3D 1s 1337, lolololololol Do not bite anybody too hard while having sex. You'll leave teeth marks, and teeth marks are just not sexy. Do not give out for free illegal drugs. "You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for crack."

[Duke]

And I see JuanitaTech beat me to "Teddamnit"... :(

[UrbanChic]

Don't sweat it, Duke. As you can see, I'm so Tedding stupid I typed to when I should have typed too.

Is there a commandment for syntax errors? How about one for typos?Do not wear a mini skirt or backless dresses or dresses that show cleavage or halter tops or thong bathing suites and thong underwear.Well, Ted. There goes half my wardrobe right there. What's the use in having an sweet Tedding rack if I can't show it off?

[Ponder Stibbons]

Do not participate in demeaning.
Huh?
You know ... "de meaning of the universe". Duh! God hates it when people pry around in his private parts, like his asteroids and Uranus.
:D

[Dante]

Do not use stolen source code.

Bill?

Do not shave your public area.

Gotchya ya.

Do not eat anything that is pig that includes bacon and ham and sausage and pork and pigs feet.

Thanks for the clarification.

Do not video tape any sex act.

Do not show private videos or recordings of you and somebody having sex to anybody that are not the consenting adults in this.

Do not video record persons having sex without their consent.

I see...

Do not buy or have or decorate with Santa Clauses or Elves and Reindeer at Christmas time because these are a DISTRACTION from Evil.

Yeah, you don't want to be distracted from the Evil.

Do not make bombs and have fun with them.

How many times I gotta tell you kids that bomb is NOT A TOY!

Do not buy sexy calendars and posters and magazines even if in bathing suits.

What if I'm just wearing regular clothes?

Do not drink any soda pops that have in the processed sugar.

Yoda?

[silenus]

Oh, wow. this guy is a few disciples short of a Last Supper.

Quote:

Do not make hard core pornography.

Do not sell or distribute hard core pornography.

Do not look a hard core pornography.



So soft-core is ok then?



Do not Mickey anybodies drink.



Can I Goofy it instead?



Do not charge for sex and this requiring money or gifts or expensive things.


More proof this guy doesn't date much.



Do not shave your head.



Well, that's it for me then. See you all in Hell. I'll save you a seat by the fire. :D

[Larry Mudd]

Best contact page (http://tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcg_email.htm) ever.TJCG is now again ENORMOUSLY UNSTABLE and it is that Satan or Devil have caused Ted to have to move again and live out of a suitcase for a while. During and after the 40 days and 40 nights it was that Satan or Devil and Demons have accomplished getting Ted kicked out of many different places that Ted has lived in a short time frame that Ted was and is ENORMOUSLY UNSTABLE!

[...] This is THE 100% TRUTH and email is NOT working for TJCG now that things have ESCALATED!You'd think that he'd go with "Theo" instead of "Ted," though.

I mean, if my given name was Theodore, and I was cultivating a baroque psychosis and delusions of religious grandeur, I would shun the diminutive in favour of the literal Theo. Maybe elaborate it to THEOne when I was feeling manic, or maybe THEOdours (with oblique reference to Revelations 5.)

"Ted"? No style.

[Earthling]

So did anyone bother to look at his home page (http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/)? Should we be bothered that Jesus (or Ted, whatever) wears a mullet?

[rjung]

I wonder who Ted Jesus Christ God endorses for the 2004 Presidential Election?

Or, maybe Pat Robertson is correct, and Ted Jesus Christ God will give Bush a landslide win come November...

[Duke]

Some keep telling Ted that I sent you email on that and on the phone Ted keeps telling them I did not get this and then Hosts of Ancient Heaven tell Ted that Ted is getting email erased by Demons under the INSISTENCE of Satan or Devil. In fact Ted enough times has seen a large amount of email in the inbox only to have ALL of this erased and not by Ted a few minutes later and then Satan or Devil DRASTICALLY CUSSES at Ted through Teds mouth and takes the credit for that! Oh, sure, blame it on Satan when you swear at your computer, Ted.

Everywhere you look on this site is gold. Do not compete too much with the Creator. Can I compete with the Creator just a little bit? Do not touch any strippers in Stripper Clubs or Stripper Bars or Nude Clubs or Sex Clubs. But it's OK to put dollar bills in their g-strings. Do not decorate with snow men that are a DISTRACTION from Christ and Christmas. OK, I give up.

[SanibelMan]

Hey, even Ted screws up sometimes. (http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcg_rside.htm) The suit that TJCG is wearing is actually blue and NOT black. Therefore in this HE is wearing White and Yellow and Blue that are HIS favorite color combination. Ted actually trimmed the beard too much and cut too much of the corner of this under the right side of the lip and the cheek should be covered more where the V is and this can be fixed with future photo touch ups and also artist renditions. Uh, yeah. Got it. Jesus needs Photoshop.

[Fern Forest]

I like how he accidentally broke one of his own commandments by trimming his beard to much. But no worry, he's going to photoshop it.


Where are all the sexually adventurous saviors? I want commandments like

Thou shalt not be afraid to let thine wife insert her vibrator into your nether regions.

and

Thou shalt attempt sex on the beach at night at least once.

[Lord Ashtar]

Apparently in order to be the Son of God you must have long hair and a beard. :rolleyes:

[Earthling]

Where are all the sexually adventurous saviors?
Ask, and ye shall receive (http://www.datejesus.com/date/).

[kambuckta]

Ted Jesus Christ GOD is the Son of David and is from the Bloodline and Linage and Line of David from Adam through Noah and through Abraham and Isaac and then through David. For Ted Jesus Christ GOD; we use the initials of TJCG for short. TJCG also genetically has the look.

TJCG has THE LOOK? And he's managed to track his family tree all the way back to Dave.......geez he must have a good geneologist working for him.

That seals it then. I bow down before thee Ted. :D

OMG........this is just too funny

[koeeoaddi]

Crap, I thought I was doing okay and then he had to go put in this bit:

"Do not eat anything with Processed Sugar in this. This is WHY there are the many problems with teethe.".

I am so screwed. :(

[Smeghead]

What the Ted?

[Count Blucher]

I'm waiting for

"Thou Shalt Not Steal Ted's Lunch Money. Really. I Mean It, Guys. C'mon..."

[Finagle]

I don't mean to spoil anyone's fun (because the web page is funny), but amusing as it is, there has to be a pretty tragic story here. I did a little bit of poking around the net and the guy's biography checks out -- there was a Ted Kurts who had some role at Quest Systems. In the one post I found (from 1993) he was a coherent and articulate senior executive of a software company. To go from successful entrepreneur to homeless schizophrenic is a long way down, but maybe also a frighteningly easy step.

[troub]

Whoa, I was kinda believing him until I hit this little nugget (from the Third Testament, or Introduction to TJCG for Christians):
9 It is TRUE that Christ and God and THE ONE when in Heaven in the 1950's had the United States of America CALM and CONSERVATIVE and GOOD and then when killed in Heaven for this Second Coming in 1959 to World Earth again the 1960's became WILD and OUT OF CONTROL and WICKED in the United States of America and all over World Earth!

:p

To go from successful entrepreneur to homeless schizophrenic is a long way down, but maybe also a frighteningly easy step.

A frighteningly easy step off a sailboat after floating in the San Diego Bay (?) for 40 days, I guess.

[Cervaise]

Some ambiguity here, I think:Do not video tape any sex act.

Do not show private videos or recordings of you and somebody having sex to anybody that are not the consenting adults in this.

Do not video record persons having sex without their consent.

...then later...

Do not make hard core pornography.

Do not sell or distribute hard core pornography.

Do not look a hard core pornography.According to the second and third rules, videotaping sex is okay if you have the parties' consent. But according to the first rule and the last three, it's never okay to videotape sex, or basically have anything to do with it. Hmmm. It's like he's saying, "People named Bruce are evil if their last name is Boxleitner," and then, "All people named Bruce are evil."

I think Ted the Jesus needs a copy editor.Do not dilute God.All-One! All-One!

[Jackmannii]

"...this is put into order with the Hottest Degree of Sin at the top and the Lowest Degree of Sin at the bottom..."

This makes a lot of sense when you think about it, thermodynamically speaking.

"...and things that Ted did the most put lower in the degree of Sin..."

Coming from anyone other than Ted, this might be viewed as self-serving.



I am gonna go get a sody pop. Pray for me.

[SPOOFE]

I sure hope this isn't the guy that Polycarp thought could've been the second coming...

Anyway... I'm terribly disappointed that I'm going to have to scrub my plan to overthrow God. I had troops positioned for storming the Pearly Gates and everything. I even managed to bribe St. Peter into "accidently" leaving the gates unlocked...

And is it really necessary to say "Do not Murder" and "Do not Mass Murder"?

[vanilla]

LOL!
He sounds almost Dobbsian.

Do not go to theater?
THERE goes the Passion!

[Shade]

Do not become a terrorist<Devil's advocate>What if a country has enslaved my people unjustly and keeps them from their homeland? May I not visit it with plagues and slaughter their firstborn?</da>

[Larry Mudd]

Finagle, I may be a little bit more cynical than you, but I wouldn't be nearly so ready to say that the bio "checks out" on the strength of a single archived usenet posting. On the contrary, it seems a bit suspicious to me that that's apparantly the only posting he's ever made.

I think it's very possible that Ted is sort of anti-confidence man, and his site is intended to stir up sympathy for such a wretched creature. It is mirrored in diverse places, and there are always solicitations for donations, either to P.O. boxes or via Paypal, like here (http://wypleader.freeservers.com/tjcg_cln.html), here (http://tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcg_donations.htm), here (http://www.codehappy.net/bots/cache/tjcg/12255.htm), here (http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Campus/4713/tjcgm_legal.htm), here (http://tedjesuschristgod.freeservers.com/tjcg_donations.htm), and here (http://ttb11.freeservers.com/ttb_legalnotice.htm).

Quest Systems Corp was real enough.

I'm not sure about Quest Systems Ltd, though, which, for the last several years has done nothing but spam and scam (http://groups.google.ca/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&th=1f8aad217ab08fea&rnum=6) usenet, through dodgy e-mail addresses -- looking for donations to help a "severely disabled person" become more independent. Sounds familiar. I'd think it might be someone from Quest who really knew such an unfortunate, if they didn't do things like use phone-billing fleecing (http://groups.google.ca/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&th=ace143923ba42c59&rnum=4) on their "contact" numbers, and send out "Make Money Fast!" scams. Maybe there's no connection at all.

I dunno -- he could be a fellow who's fallen on hard times, or he could be a cynical scammer playing on your sympathies. God knows the "craaaaazy" panhandling routine is a well-established con.

[Ilsa_Lund]

God knows the "craaaaazy" panhandling routine is a well-established con.


But does TED JESUS CHRIST GOD know?

[Ale]

Best contact page (http://tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcg_email.htm) ever.You'd think that he'd go with "Theo" instead of "Ted," though.

I mean, if my given name was Theodore, and I was cultivating a baroque psychosis and delusions of religious grandeur, I would shun the diminutive in favour of the literal Theo. Maybe elaborate it to THEOne when I was feeling manic, or maybe THEOdours (with oblique reference to Revelations 5.)

"Ted"? No style.

Theodorus is Greek for "God loving", or something; an aptly name for this guy, I think, eh... never mind. ;)

[Vlad/Igor]

If I didn't know better, I'd swear this was written by Kurt Stocklmeir. But I don't think he can write this well.

Relatively speaking.

Vlad/Igor

[Larry Mudd]

Theodore is "God's gift," actually.

Theophilus is "Lover of god."

Theocopulyssus is "Crazy fuck who thinks he's God," which is might be the right name for a fellow like "Ted." :D

[dogbutler]

a very well respected Silicon Valley and California and United States of America based Software Company

When did California seceed?

[Mr. Blue Sky]

So the Time Cube guy got religion!

[Miller]

Theocopulyssus is "Crazy fuck who thinks he's God," which is might be the right name for a fellow like "Ted." :D

It's also God's favorite Bond film.

[Road Rash]

Quote:
Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible.


Wow, what are the odds? I broke this one the very second I read it! But only the "around people" part; it was SBD. Damn cranberry juice!


An addendum from the prophet Road Rash: Do not fart out loud or around people without first letting someone pull your finger.

[Ale]

Theodore is "God's gift," actually.

Yeah, that sort of disqualifies that as an apt name, doesn´t it? ;)

[iampunha]

If this is the Second Coming then I am so not impressed.

If this is the second coming, somewhere a woman must be riding something, and possibly without her husband using her husband's penis.

Do not make fun of God.

Do not taunt Happy Fun God.

[Ultraviolet]

All-One! All-One!

Don't drink soap! Keep out of eye! Dilute! Dilute! OK!

[jayjay]

Heh!

I'm currently working for my county tax bureau (tis the season, tra-la-la) and I come across some...interesting names. Today I happened to stumble upon Mr. Christ D. King. And it's on his tax return, so he better not be joking, Son of God or not!

[Who_me?]

Well, he convinced me... it doesn't seem to be a joke site.

His "Prophesy (http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_prophecy.htm)" page is downright scarey in places. And not scarey accurate, it's scarey insane.

[Largo62]

What if he's called Bob? Can I cut 'em off then?
Well, no. You can bob them, but not cut them clear off! :D

[Largo62]

Do not fail to love the ONE and only THE ONE LIVING GOD with some of your heart!
You can still save some of your heart for Jennifer Garner (or whoever).

Do not participate in anything occult
Since "occult" means "hidden" I guess hide and seek is out..

Do not torture. Physical Torture is only for THE ONE LIVING GOD and for any that HE delegates this to. For anybody else doing this then this is a sin.
God has more expertise (lots of practice), so only delegates this right to experts, like Saddam's boys.

Do not commit abortion unless this is for a very good medical reason.
Nice to know that even TJCG allows for exceptions. Are ya listening, JWB?

Do not poison somebody.
But it's okay to poison somebody else!


Do not live in wicked cities.
Give us some help here, TJCG. Which cities are wicked?

Do not have sex with a close relative.
Isn't your mate a close relative?


Do not sell any drug paraphernalia.
Too bad Tommy Chong didn't read this one a few months ago.

Do not shave your public area.
But your private area is okay.

Do not pierce your body in strange places.
Familiar places are all right, though.

Do not touch any strippers in Stripper Clubs or Stripper Bars or Nude Clubs or Sex Clubs.
You may, however, grope them in the parking lot.

Do not STEAL from THE ONE LIVING GOD and not pay your Tithes FAITHFULLY that is 10% if not rich and if rich that is currently defined to be a net worth of 1 million dollars than 37%.
Guess it's cheaper not to win the Lotto.

[CheekyMonkey613]

I don't think this guy is scamming. He's put in too much work for it to be a scam. And lots-of-work-scams are usually meticulous. This guy's a french fry short of a McHappy Meal.

In his Prophecies (http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_prophecy.htm), please notice:

8 The Spiritual LightSide will use Weapons of Mass Destruction to Drop or Kill Satan and the Demons on World Earth.
WMD? I thought President Bush was the one who came up with that term! Jesus is quoting Bush now?

13 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed sooner or later!
Ok, he really means it (notice use of exclamtion point). I've never seen use of "sooner or later" in a prophecy, but what do I know?

17 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed.
I think he means the time has come. Good thing. I was wondering when they would be dropped ~ you know ~ sooner or later.

24 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed.
So that's if we didn't get that #17 meant SOONER rather than LATER, right? Well, at least he gives us a chance to catch on.

28 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed on World Earth and this expediently or sooner or later!
Oh I GET IT! We have a choice! Do it quickly, more quickly, or later if I'm busy!

Well ... that was Chapter 1 and I'm already tired. I've bookmarked it for a later time. It's hard to absorb all of this. But I am looking forward to Chapter 2. I skimmed it just to see what was in store for me. And I saw:

3 Satan is a complete DRAGON and acts like a DRAGON and is MEAN like a DRAGON!
Not half a dragon, not almost a dragon. A COMPLETE dragon! And Satan is MEAN too! Well now, this is earth shattering. I'll rest up and continue sooner or later.

[iampunha]

Someone should sic a ninja on this guy. If he thinks dragons are bad, a ninja wigging out would make this guy shit his public area.

[FriarTed]

LOL!
He sounds almost Dobbsian.

Do not go to theater?
THERE goes the Passion!

Vanilla knoweth of the Power of Bob? Praise Dobbs!

Btw, this Ted lets it be hereby known that I am not associated in any way with the False Ted discussed here.

[Larry Mudd]

Do not live in wicked cities.Give us some help here, TJCG. Which cities are wicked?The ones that humanoid demons are taking over (http://www.dvdreview.com/fullreviews/wicked_city.shtml), duh! (http://www.urban-vision.com/titles/wickedcity/)

[Tinkertoy]

From his prophecies:

16 Satan and the Demons look like human men.


Well that explains my ex-husband.

[Ale]

From his prophecies:

16 Satan and the Demons look like human men.


Well that explains my ex-husband.

Oh great, there goes my fantasy of getting dirty with a hot (hee hee!) succubus. :(

[Largo62]

The ones that humanoid demons are taking over (http://www.dvdreview.com/fullreviews/wicked_city.shtml), duh! (http://www.urban-vision.com/titles/wickedcity/)
Thanks for clearing that up, Larry, clear as Mudd. :D

[Lando Griffin]

Do not participate in Exotic Erotic Balls.

Huh?

Do not drink or eat anything with chemicals in this.

Since that seems to be just about everything, I guess Ted Jesus wants us to starve.

Do not put your penis between a women or females breast and have sex and then ejaculate on her.

Do not ejaculate on the breasts or stomach or butt or back or face or head or hair or anyplace on her body of a women or female.

Do not put or rub semen on a women or female that you were having sexual intercourse with.

I think we know what kind of porno used to be Ted's favorite.

Do not participate in hazing.

Tragically misunderstood, Ted Jesus found himself the subject of much ridicule in High School.

Do not try to takeover from God.

Do not attempt to overthrow God.

Damn! All my years of planning gone to waste!

Do not participate in chat rooms.

Whew! Glad this message board is safe (for now)

[sleeping]

Do not allow your hymen to be broken in unless you are married and this is from your husband using your husbands penis.

Well I'm glad we got that settled. There's been an annoying trend of husbands using other guys penises to screw their wives.


How does one go about doing that, anyway?

[sleeping]

Women and Females should not wear shorts and pants.
It's good to see he's got his bases covered--no non-female women and such.


Do not pay for sex.
Yeah, just get in the car and drive away while the bitch is in the bathroom.


Do not STEAL from THE ONE LIVING GOD and not pay your Tithes FAITHFULLY that is 10% if not rich and if rich that is currently defined to be a net worth of 1 million dollars than 37%.
Not really clear, but it seems God supports a graduated income tax.

[Largo62]

Well I'm glad we got that settled. There's been an annoying trend of husbands using other guys penises to screw their wives.


How does one go about doing that, anyway?
If your name is Lorena Bobbett you could use it even if he wasn't there. :D

[vanilla]

Lol!
Great thread.

Do not believe in false prophets named Ted!

Oops, that was mine.

[sleeping]

If your name is Lorena Bobbett you could use it even if he wasn't there. :D
Actually, I didn't know who Lorena Bobbitt was so I googled the name. Came up with an interesting related story (http://www.texasonline.net/langley/columns/bobbitt.htm):
New Yorker Earl Zea, 34, told police last spring an intruder sawed off his "wienerwurst." Zea drove himself to the hospital. He finally admitted cutting off his "Polish dog" with pruning shears to discourage another man from seeking him for romance, an AP story said.
Huh.

[Ogre]

Do not drink or eat or put in your body or on your body anything that is Biotech. This includes NOT allowing anything put topically or in your nose or in your eyes or shots or put in veins or given through an IV or Intravenously anything that is Biotech. The things made from Biotech are ENORMOUS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Many things from Biotech can and will cause PERMANENT GENETIC DEFECTS that can be passed on to children and grandchildren and descendents. Biotech is 100 to 1000 to 10K and some MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats! I think he took Deus Ex a little too seriously.

[Doomtrain]

Anyone else reminded of that Kids in the Hall sketch? Ted's Church Of The Very Bright Light?

"It means God's avoiding you, Ted!"

[Kimstu]

Surprised nobody's mentioned

Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married!


:eek: Marrying off your daughters at puberty. They's a few laws against that, Ted ol' buddy.

[ivylass]

Do not watch movies unless Close Follower of TJCG movies.



Can I take this to mean that once I am a Close Follower of TJCG, I can watch movies?


Funny, I tried to post this yesterday and I got the Blue Screen of Day-uth along with a keyboard.exe error. Maybe Ted really is watching... :eek:

[Ale]

Surprised nobody's mentioned

Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married!

:eek: Marrying off your daughters at puberty. They's a few laws against that, Ted ol' buddy.

Uh... wait, Ted Almighty said:

Ominous voice
Do not have sex with a close relative.


You think, maybe, perhaps, there could be some inconsistencies in his doctrine? :confused:

[Bruce_Daddy]

Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations.

:D I'm getting a motorcycle.

[vanilla]

Ted backwards is debt.

[FriarTed]

Lol!
Great thread.

Do not believe in false prophets named Ted!

Oops, that was mine.

But true prophets named Ted are A-OK!

[Pixiesnix]

According to Ted, I should've been married at the age of ten. So now, at the ripe old age of 26, I'm well past my prime! Oh, the shame! The disgrace!

[kambuckta]

Ted backwards is debt.

No it's not.

[Atticus Finch]

TJCG is saying that NONE of HIS Writings are to be edited or changed because this is when DECEPTION does INFILTRATE in from Satan or Devil and Demons! The words are to be EXACTLY how written including in translations! The cussing is to be left in!

From T-D's legal section. As a law clerk, I think we should write clauses like this into contracts all the time...

The section is a mad screed like everything else, but he does appear to know what he's talking about in some ways. It's quite meticulous. Either he's written many such disclaimers before, or he's working from Legal Proformas for Tin-Hat Loonies.

[faithfool]

Ted backwards is debt.
No it's not.

See, it's a miracle! We are the first to behold the power of the 'silent' B!

Praise ye to TJCG!

By the way, shouldn't the Second Coming have at least used an acronym instead? Rolls off the tongue better. And do all the returned Christs (Christii?) talk in the third person? If so, that must be how we'll know they're the real deal.

True prophet indeed. Where do I sign up or would a PayPal contribution be the way to go for full discipleship? I wanna be faithful, ya know. :)

[Dante]

Someone should sic a ninja on this guy. If he thinks dragons are bad, a ninja wigging out would make this guy shit his public area.
I almost shat my trousers when I read this! Thanks iampunha!

Please note that I would not then rub my shat on anyone, according to the commandments of the most holy TJCG.

[Jackmannii]

Funny, I tried to post this yesterday and I got the Blue Screen of Day-uth along with a keyboard.exe error. Maybe Ted really is watching... :eek:You jest, but there are those who KNOW that SATAN is behind these computer "malfunctions". Like John Debney, who nearly got into a brawl with the Evil One (whose image also appeared on his monitor) after his computer kept freezing up while he was composing the soundtract to "The Passion of the Christ".*





*containing such greatest hits as "Flagellation", "The Stoning", "Peaceful But Primitive" and "Song of Complaint".

[Cervaise]

What do you suppose this guy does for a living? White collar? Blue collar? I guess it doesn't matter, since you can't see his collar under the mullet anyway. :p

You think his friends and co-workers see him as strange? Or maybe he presents a relatively normal face to those around him and keeps his odd obsession private? Perhaps we'll read about him in the news: "He was so quiet and unassuming before he started firing that howitzer into the orphanage." Or, alternatively: "He just wouldn't shut up about that Ted Jesus stuff. We knew he was crackers, but he knew how to make a tasty batch of cornbread, so we kept him around. Yeah, we had to let him go when he stabbed his hands and bled into the batter. Shame, really."

Based on his new commandments, we know he doesn't make porn, and he's not a terrorist, strip club MC, tattoo artist, or genetic engineer. That leaves quite a spectrum of possible careers, though. Maybe we should just try to guess his income.

[Largo62]

What do you suppose this guy does for a living? White collar? Blue collar? I guess it doesn't matter, since you can't see his collar under the mullet anyway. :p

You think his friends and co-workers see him as strange? Or maybe he presents a relatively normal face to those around him and keeps his odd obsession private? Perhaps we'll read about him in the news: "He was so quiet and unassuming before he started firing that howitzer into the orphanage." Or, alternatively: "He just wouldn't shut up about that Ted Jesus stuff. We knew he was crackers, but he knew how to make a tasty batch of cornbread, so we kept him around. Yeah, we had to let him go when he stabbed his hands and bled into the batter. Shame, really."

Based on his new commandments, we know he doesn't make porn, and he's not a terrorist, strip club MC, tattoo artist, or genetic engineer. That leaves quite a spectrum of possible careers, though. Maybe we should just try to guess his income.
Thanks, Cervaise. Your usual sparkling wit has lifted my afternoon out of the doldrums. If you don't write humor for a living, you should.