Good Lines in Bad Movies

[Biggirl]

I've got kids and kid movies usually suck worse than a crackwhore in withdrawal. Yet even the worst of these can throw out a good line or two. One of my favorite good lines in a bad movie comes from a terrible, terrible movie called Cats & Dogs. It went something like this:

Dog: I want you to stay in here.
Cat: Why?
Dog: Because I hate you!

It was the way he said it. Cracks me up every time.


Another terrible, terrible kid movie was Good Burger even though I thought Kel Mitchell was a stitch with lines like:

Ed: You're a chicken--- moooooo! moooooo!

and

Heather: D'you think I'm cute?
Ed: Sure.
Heather: What's cute about me?
Ed: Uh...your head.
Heather: You have a cute head too!
Ed: Well, I try to keep it nice.

and

Dexter: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.
Ed: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.
Dexter: What? What are you talking about?
Ed: Okay, I give up. Who am I?
Dexter: I don't know who you are or where I've seen you before or why you think you're an attractive nurse.




And finally, from Dude, Where's My Car-- one of the stupidest movies ever made:

Jesse:I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!




I wanna put a serious movie in here, but the only one I can think of is Battlefield Earth and the line was good only because it was so stupid.

Everybody:Piece of cake! Piece of cake!

[Blonde]

From the Cat In The Hat:


Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide to...
Conrad: No, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?


:D

[Tentacle Monster]

Watching Good Burger was worth it only to hear Abe Vigoda say the following line:

"I think I broke my ass."

If it was anybody but Abe Vigoda, it probably wouldn't have been funny.

[Evil Captor]

From "Star Crash" we have the great Peter Cushing grandly intoning,

"Imperial Battleship, STOP THE FLOW OF TIME!"

I laughed my ass off.

[plankter]

From "Anaconda" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118615/) a 1997 howler featuring two bulimic giant snakes. Honestly, how else could they eat an adult human and come back a day later ready for second helpings?

A fellow passenger konks the crazed 'great white hunter' with a golf club, then utters the only intentionally funny line in the movie:
"Asshole in one."

[dman]

Best Line in the Worst Movie:
"They Live" (Sci-fi schlock starring WWfs Roddy Piper)

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.
... that one just stuck with me.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096256/quotes

Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat!
Isn't bad either.

.dan.

[Spudo]

While I found The Big Lebowski to be boring, and full of "Look How Smart I Am-ism" there were a couple lines that I thought were funny.

"Or El Dude-arino, if you aren't into the whole brevity thing."

"Nah Donny, these men are nihilists, nothing to be afraid of."

[confessorknight]

From [i]Dracula 2000 [i](or 2001 if you're in the UK)
"Never fuck with an antiques dealer".

[Legolamb]

I'm sure a few people will disagree with me over the merits of Peter Jackson's early work, but I hated Brain Dead (or Dead Alive as I think it's known in the States). It does contain one of the greatest lines of any movies though - as the (IIRC) Irish priest is about to wade into battle with the zombies:

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

[CanvasShoes]

From "Black Dog" starring Patrick Swayze (I think, correct me if I'm not remembering this right), and Chris Rock (again, I think, it's been a long time).

Scene is, Chris Rock is a rather nervous hitchhiker turned sidekick to Patrick Swayze's rough talkin' Big Rig Drivin' character.

The truck hits a large bump creating a lot of noise and commotion.

Chris Rock's character nervously says " What was THAT"??????????

Swayze's smooth, sarcastic retort? "A honda".

[Yookeroo]

I'm sure a few people will disagree with me over the merits of Peter Jackson's early work, but I hated Brain Dead (or Dead Alive as I think it's known in the States). It does contain one of the greatest lines of any movies though - as the (IIRC) Irish priest is about to wade into battle with the zombies:

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

I like:
Paquita Maria Sanchez: Your mother ate my dog!
Lionel Cosgrove: Not all of it.

[zoogirl]

A personal favorite, used often -

in "Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry" (1974, Peter Fonda and Susan George) the sidekick guy, whose name I forget, has just fixed the car and it's running better than ever. Fonda asks him what he did to it. The reply -

"Just hit it with a bigger hammer!"

[Bambi Hassenpfeffer]

And finally, from Dude, Where's My Car-- one of the stupidest movies ever made:

Jesse:I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

"Chineeeeese Fooooooooood!"

Only funny scene in that entire waste of film.

[CandidGamera]

From Dracula 2000..

See, now, I like that movie.

And how could you forget the classic line, as our hero presents a cross to a vampire..

Vamp :"Sorry, sport, I'm an atheist." Click! A silver dagger sprouts from the bottom of the cross.

Hero : "God loves you anyway." Stab!

My nomination for best line in a bad movie is from Batman Returns.

Catwoman and Bats are fighting in what seems to be an abandoned building, and she comments on being hungry or some such, and Batman retorts: "Eat floor. High fiber." as he slams her face into the floor. Classic.

[the Lady]

Well, it's not the world's worst movie, but it certainly wasn't Oscar worthy -

In Someone Like You with Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman there is one scene that will make me laugh forever and ever.

He emerges one morning sporting what is clearly a very nasty hickey. When she asks him about it, he deadpans
"I bit myself shaving"

It's the delivery I'm sure - but it gets me every time.

[Trunk]

There's a moment in Eraser when Arnold shoots an alligator and says, "You're luggage."

[lisacurl]

The Craft features a comeback I've used many times since I saw the movie:

Bus driver: "Watch out for the weirdos, girls."
Nancy: "We are the weirdos, mister."

[RogueRacer]

From "Black Dog" starring Patrick Swayze (I think, correct me if I'm not remembering this right), and Chris Rock (again, I think, it's been a long time).It was Patrick Swayze, but the supporting actor was Gabriel Casseus (http://www.dunas.com/gabrielgrid.html).

As far as the OP... anything from Bruce Campbell. "Give me some sugar, Baby"

[simply_cats]

Ok, just have to chime in! I took my kids (ages 6 and 4) to see Scooby Doo 2, which I was prepared to sleep through. However, early on Velma utters this priceless line:

"Mystery is my mistress, and I must heed her call."

It just cracked me up, and I kept repeating it all night. My 6 year old, Kat, said "Mommy, why do you keep saying that?"

"Because it's funny!" says me.

She looked at me for a moment, then says "It wasn't that funny" My daughter, queen of deadpan.

[Scumpup]

In Ten to Midnight, an amazingly bad movie, my boy Charlie Bronson deals with a nasty, disgusting serial killer. At the end of the movie, the killer is apprehended and starts ranting about being insane, and how he'll be back on the street in time. Finally he shrieks: "You'll all be hearing from me."

Charlie sez "No, we won't," in a conversational tone and drills him between the eyes with a .38.

I laffed til I peed on myself. Then I laffed some more.

[Illinois_Boy]

...Brain Dead (or Dead Alive as I think it's known in the States). It does contain one of the greatest lines of any movies though - as the (IIRC) Irish priest is about to wade into battle with the zombies:

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

Similar quote from "From Dusk Til Dawn". Harvey Keitel plays a former reverend who's lost his way. George Clooney is a criminal, and they are about to go fight the swarm of Aztec vampires.

Clooney: Now, are you going to be a faithless preacher, or a mean mother f******' Servant of the Lord!

Keitel: A mean mmmpher mmmphing Servant of the Lord! (he mumbles the swear words)

It kills me to no end that Harvey Keitel is not swearing.

[Don Draper]

Steel Magnolias: the only two funny lines from this terminally maudlin chick flick:

Olympia Dukakis relating the story how her nephew (I think) came out of the closet: "He got his folks together and said "Mom, dad, I have something important to tell you - I have an inoperable brain tumor and six months left to live. Just kiddin', I'm gay."

Olympia again, after fighting with Shirley Maclaine: "You know I love you more than my luggage."

[lisacurl]

Steel Magnolias: the only two funny lines from this terminally maudlin chick flick: ...Make that three: "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn, I've just been a very bad mood for the last 40 years!"

[commasense]

In Among Giants, a perfectly horrible film with two otherwise excellent actors, Pete Postlethwaite and Rachel Griffiths, a depressed character in a bar says, "Don't go having a good time. You'll only brood about it in years to come."

[mbh]

CandidGamera's post reminded me of a scene from The Fearless Vampire Killers: Or, Pardon Me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck.

The vampire is stalking his victim. Unafraid, she brandishes a crucifix at him. He looks at it and says in a thick Yiddish accent,

"Oy veh, girl, you got the wrong vampire!"

And then he proceeds to chow down.

[Max Torque]

Mystery Men is full of such quotes, most of them from the Sphinx, who excels at turn-of-phrase mystery statements, such as:

"When you can balance a tack-hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack."

"He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions."

Oh, there are so many. Just go read 'em at IMDB (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/quotes).

[groo]

Near the end of a bad movie, The Big Day, there's a recovering alcoholic who's been going through a crisis and has been holding an opened beer for some time without drinking it. His brother looks at him and reminds him how far he's come:

Brother: "180 days. That's a lot of days, man."

Crisis guy replies: "It'll be a hundred eighty one, tomorrow."

I actually start misting up just thinking about it.

[Eve]

From Mommie Dearest: "Don't fuck with me, boys, this ain't my first time at the rodeo."

From Queen of Outer Space: "I hate her. I hay dot Qvinn!"

From Valley of the Dolls: "So they threw ya outta Hollywood and ya come crawlin' back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope."