No, you are NOT our sister!

[The 27th Evil]

How fucking hard is this to understand? We call each other sisters for a REASON. Cheer Bear, Funkster, and I have been best friends for years and EARNED that status over those years.

Were you there helping Cheer Bear when her brother committed suicide? No. Were you there when Funkster had to deal with her mom shacking up with that guy from work and her parents splitting up? No. Were you there telling me I really wasn't a degenerate for a goddamn YEAR? No.

We grew close over the years, so don't think you can call my cell, use up my minutes and blab about how we have to hang out all mini-break because we're your sisters. Don't assume I'm coming home to see YOUR graduation- I'm there for my brother, not you. Don't try to horn in on what little time we have together when we're not living in three different corners of the state. And DON'T get upset when we want time to spend with our families this time, and stop pestering me as to the reason! If you were my "sister", I would have told you why three goddamn years ago!

You are not our sister. You are a high school kid who latched onto us right before our graduation and won't let us go. We've grown up and moved on. You need to realize that- and stop horning on and declaring yourself our sister.

[TwistofFate]

Preach it sister.

[milroyj]

We've grown up and moved on.

Hmm, there's nothing in your OP to indicate that.

[Steel Rat]

What the hell is this all about? Forgot your medication today?

[Bad News Baboon]

...and stop pestering me as to the reason! If you were my "sister", I would have told you why three goddamn years ago!

Why don't you tell her anyway? What's stopping you from telling her why you don't consider her a sister? Maybe from her point of view, nothing is wrong. If you are so grown up, be blunt with her and quit playing games.

[milroyj]

What the hell is this all about? Forgot your medication today?

My meds are fine, thanks. :rolleyes:

I just don't see how random, trivial, teenage angst is fighting ignorance. YMMV.

[TwistofFate]

My meds are fine, thanks. :rolleyes:

I just don't see how random, trivial, teenage angst is fighting ignorance. YMMV.


I don't think Steelrat was talking to you.

[NoClueBoy]

Geez, OP!

Maybe she's just trying to be your friend.

Widen out, make freinds, grow up.







Or..., is ther something els you're not telling us?

[NoClueBoy]

I seem to be missing some Es

[Steel Rat]

My meds are fine, thanks. :rolleyes:

I just don't see how random, trivial, teenage angst is fighting ignorance. YMMV.


lol, I was talking about the OP. I agree with you..

[Steel Rat]

I seem to be missing some Es


I've got some spares, and some neato CAPS versions!

eeeEEEEeee

[milroyj]

lol, I was talking about the OP. I agree with you..

Oops, my bad.

[kambuckta]

I wouldn't even credit the OP with being a teenager.

This sounds more like grade school stuff, the little huddle of snooty. bitchy 9 year olds who play the exclusivity game for all it's worth.

:(

[pepperlandgirl]

Man, I can't imagine why she would want to be the OPs "sister"...

[Dangerosa]

I'm confused. Are any of you "sisters" (as in siblings by birth, adoption, or step parentage raised in the same house, or birth siblings raised apart) or are you just really really good girlfriends who decided to call each other "sisters" and this chickie hasn't earned her spot yet? I'm assuming the second in which case - you can't blame her, none of you guys are sisters either!

[LolaBaby]

How fucking hard is this to understand? We call each other sisters for a REASON. Cheer Bear, Funkster, and I have been best friends for years and EARNED that status over those years.

Were you there helping Cheer Bear when her brother committed suicide? No. Were you there when Funkster had to deal with her mom shacking up with that guy from work and her parents splitting up? No. Were you there telling me I really wasn't a degenerate for a goddamn YEAR? No.

We grew close over the years, so don't think you can call my cell, use up my minutes and blab about how we have to hang out all mini-break because we're your sisters. Don't assume I'm coming home to see YOUR graduation- I'm there for my brother, not you. Don't try to horn in on what little time we have together when we're not living in three different corners of the state. And DON'T get upset when we want time to spend with our families this time, and stop pestering me as to the reason! If you were my "sister", I would have told you why three goddamn years ago!

You are not our sister. You are a high school kid who latched onto us right before our graduation and won't let us go. We've grown up and moved on. You need to realize that- and stop horning on and declaring yourself our sister.

if I am reading this right, the High School Kid is younger than you, right? If so, maybe that is the reason she "wasn't there" when those crappy things happened. HSK can't really help that. Perhaps you should provide more details as to why she is so annoying, because I can't see it right now. She just seems like a kid who looks up to you and wants to be your friends. I didn't realize that was such an Offensive Thing To Do.

[The 27th Evil]

Explanation: She is a teenage stalker.

The three of us have been very close most of our lives. Along comes Charmed Freak(self-described), who has no friends. We take her under our wing, only to realize exactly why she has no friends. She immediately starts practically stalking us- Asking that we spend every free minute of every day with us, getting upset when we can't.

A few months go by, and we graduate, leaving her in high school. Despite her knowing quite clearly that we are all working that summer, she calls the house in excess of 7 or 8 times a day, prompting my mother to get fed up during one of my shifts over the multiple calls and messages and tell her to basically stop stalking us.

We go off to college. If I ignore my cell phone, she waits till I get on IM and bothers me there. I plead that I am busy, which only makes her angry. From each of us, she recieves an explanation that we are in college and really don't have the time to be constantly on the phone/IM with her. She gets upset and attributes it to us hating her "because she has a disability". She does, but it is her described demeanor that drives people away. I now have two IM's. We can only get on our regular IMs when we know she is asleep (she text messages in from school). She has been told by all of us and our parents, who still get calls because "They didn't answer my phone calls or my IM's or e-mails!" that she is being excessive.

Despite this, she has continued to bother us. I cannot change my cell phone number, as the contract does not run out for several months yet. I ignore her calls, but it is annoying to have the phone ring every 20 minutes when she wants to reach me( I cannot turn it off, I am involved in student government and need to be in contact). If I am coming home on break, she will be calling frequently even before my bus has pulled in. Cheer Bear and Funkster have to play similar evasion games.

The event that set me off occurred yesterday when she called from a pay phone, and I picked it up, thinking it might be one of my committees needing to speak with me. It is her, putting off my pleas of being busy (I was typing a paper) and saying she needed us to spend our mini-break with us. We have exactly four days of break, one of which is Easter. (She seems incapable of remembering we spend these days with family.) She counters with "Then you can spend Monday with me!"

I tell her I want to spend that day with my parents. She asks why. I cannot tell her, because I do not trust her with the background knowledge behind it (It is a personal issue known only at home to Cheer Bear and Funkster). She pesters me with this, until I tell her I have to go to class. She finishes it up with "well then, we have to hang out for a few days after you come home for my graduation! I need my sisters with me!", ignoring the known facts that a) We are all working and I can only go home for one or two days. b)I am coming home for the graduation ceremony- my little brother's, c) Funkster wanted bring her boyfriend home. d) Cheer Bear's sister is coming in from Arizona to spend time with her, e) she is fully aware of these facts.

She is not our sister. She is our stalker, and the fact that she co-opted that title (which is quite precious to us) just set off my nerves.
Does this clarify matters?

[LolaBaby]

It sure does. ;)

[Sisyphus' Stone]

Please, oh please, can I be your sister too?

Sisterhood is as important as neighbourhood.

[Jurhael]

Now that eveything is cleared up, it all just sounds sad. She seems very lonely. :\

[Ephemera]

Am I missing something or is there some reason you can't tell her to just fuck off? If she's that much of a nuisance, cut her out of your life entirely and don't even talk to her. Seems easy enough to me.

[Mama Tiger]

If she's really stalking you that badly, talk to her parents. Tell her parents -- or have YOUR parents tell her parents -- that they and you will have to take out a restraining order if she doesn't leave you alone. And you certainly CAN change your cell phone number if you're being bothered this badly by someone; talk to your cell phone provider.

But I'd definitely start with her parents, if it's really that bad.

[Otto]

I usually like my drama to be more dramatic.

Is there some reason why you don't just put her on permanent IGNORE on whatever IM program you're using, and prevent her from putting you on her buddy list?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

27th Evil, it sounds like you just need to grow a set of balls and tell this person you don't want to be her friend. It strikes me as a little cold to invire her into your circle of friends only to decide that she's not really in your circle of friends with bothering to tell her that.

Your OP sounds kind of snotty and elitist-- very high school.

If you don't like her, just tell her you don't like her. I know what it's like to have emotionally needy person latch on to you but eventually you have to scrape them off. Pretending to be friends is not going to make them go away. You can't avoid a confrontation here so you might as well get it over with.

[Dangerosa]

And if you do with to be passive aggressive, there is always your block list/ignore list/refuse all calls from features.

[Jurhael]

In situations like this, the advice I've always heard is to simply cut them off completely. Even speaking to them just encourages them.

[Dangerosa]

Yeah,

I spent six months trying to break up with a guy. I tried nice, but nice didn't work at all. I tried nasty, and he just became supportive "you must be going through such a hard time right now, because I know you aren't really like this." I tried dating other people, but all I got from him was a sense of hurt betrayal (and he still called!).

It was only when I stopped talking, hung up the phone as soon as I heard his voice, moved out of my house for a few weeks (I moved in with my parents and they would tell callers that I didn't live there anymore, but they'd take a message - with has been standard operating procedure with my parents since I moved out - they never give out my phone number, but will take messages for me), that he gave up.

[iampunha]

I now have two IM's. We can only get on our regular IMs when we know she is asleep (she text messages in from school).

Can't block her, or would she then just call more?

I would have just been either rude or blunt to her before this point ("We don't like you. Fuck off." or "We'll call you, don't call us."), but then that's just me.

[Gala Matrix Fire]

Well, geez, why do you all have cell phones and instant messaging if you don't want to be available every freaking minute of your waking day?

[The 27th Evil]

Diogenes , if you befriended someone and they started to stalk you, what would you do?

iampunha , Exactly. And at this point, if I ignore her calls too long, my parents get calls. I'm already going to be forced to shake them up a little soon, I don't want to add her their stress list as well.

I think it might come to that, if she tries to intrude on our family plans on Easter and then says "we're being mean because of (insert disability here)". The main issue so far has been how poorly she deals with that kind of thing. We're a bit afraid of causing her to have some mental breakdown.

[Hostile Dialect]

Well, geez, why do you all have cell phones and instant messaging if you don't want to be available every freaking minute of your waking day?

I believe that the OP clearly stated that she needs to be available every minute of the day because of some sort of committee she is in, and thus becoming unavailable just because some high school girl is stalking her isn't a viable option.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Diogenes , if you befriended someone and they started to stalk you, what would you do?
I'd tell them to fuck off. Have you tried it?

Tell her you don't want any contact with her any more. If she keeps trying to call you or IM you, you can get a restraining order.

Basically, you have to let your feelings be known. there is no polite way out of it, you have to be blunt.

[Abbie Carmichael]

Your OP sounds kind of snotty and elitist-- very high school.

Ditto.

And been there, done that with the "sisters" thing. Grew out if it when I was about 17. You might wanna think about doing it, too.

[Cat Whisperer]

<snip>The main issue so far has been how poorly she deals with that kind of thing. We're a bit afraid of causing her to have some mental breakdown.
You're not responsible for someone else's reactions. If she does have a mental breakdown, I wouldn't consider you responsible. I would consider her unbalanced psychology and/or brain chemistry responsible.

[Jurhael]

The main issue so far has been how poorly she deals with that kind of thing. We're a bit afraid of causing her to have some mental breakdown.

What exactly do you mean? Because you see, some people have to be dealt with VERY firmly and without any chance for them to worm their way into your life. It's the only way they'll back off.


I would consider her unbalanced psychology and/or brain chemistry responsible.

As would I. Her behavior is certainly far from normal.

[iampunha]

iampunha , Exactly. And at this point, if I ignore her calls too long, my parents get calls. I'm already going to be forced to shake them up a little soon, I don't want to add her their stress list as well.

I think it might come to that, if she tries to intrude on our family plans on Easter and then says "we're being mean because of (insert disability here)". The main issue so far has been how poorly she deals with that kind of thing. We're a bit afraid of causing her to have some mental breakdown.

Refer her to a competent therapist. You do not have the time, from what your OP and subsequent posts reveal, to carry her through this, and if you do, she will be latched onto you all the more.

Meanwhile, try calling her ("I only have a minute or two to talk, so I just wanted to het you know that...") and letting her know when you WILL be able to spend time with her. Ensure her that your hectic schedules and adjustment to college (which is, ensure her, a wholly different thing from high school) requires so much of your time that you don't have much of it to spend with anyone in your blood family, let alone close friends and other associates from high school. Perhaps she will get the hint, and perhaps she will not. Any road, you are neither of her parents and what she needs is a parental/therapeutic figure in her life, which it seems to me you cannot and should not be.

If your parents don't have Caller ID, now might be a good time to get it and screen calls;)

[LolaBaby]

I'd tell them to fuck off. Have you tried it?

Tell her you don't want any contact with her any more. If she keeps trying to call you or IM you, you can get a restraining order.

Basically, you have to let your feelings be known. there is no polite way out of it, you have to be blunt.


I agree. 27th it sounds like you don't want to hurt her feelings but if it is that bad, you can't beat around the bush here. It sounds like you'll just have to tell her exactly how you feel. It might hurt her feelings and you might feel crappy about it, but what are you going to do? Allow her to disrupt your life as much as it has been?

I think it's unfortunate when people don't get the hint because when things come to a head everyone feels like crap. :(

[AngelicGemma]

Just try talking to her. If her behaviour doesn't change, then don't answer her calls, don't respond to her e-mails and block her on IM.

[TwistofFate]

so what disability does she have?

[The 27th Evil]

She has a bunch of disabilities- born two months early. Unfortunately, the physical ones alter her appearance and drive away the more narrow-minded, but the mental issues drive away the people who try to befriend her. I'm probably going to speak with her mother over Easter break and see if they can help her. Thank you for all your suggestions. She needs help far beyond what I can provide.

[MsRobyn]

That seems to be your best bet. Talk to her parents and let them know what she's doing, and can they please talk to her? Having an intermediary can help keep things from getting truly ugly.

Robin

[kushiel]

I really feel like crying after reading this - I've been in Stalker Girl's shoes (well, not stalking, but feeling rejected).

Right now, my bet is that she feels alone, and that no one wants to be her friend, especially with what you've described about her disabilities. And about the sisters thing - that is probably hurting her the most. The way you are talking about your 'sisters', it seems to me that she's probably seen the closeness between you and the two of them often, and wants that.

However, it appears you never gave her the chance. She wants to be your 'sister', but is going about it the wrong way. It would have been better to explain to her that wasn't the best way to go about it - 'sisters' are gained through being with them through thick and thin. But maybe she wasn't *there* for the events described in the OP. I know it hurts me when people think less of me as a friend just because I was never there in their true crisis'. How can you blame her for that?

This all seems so ironic to me, having Jurhael replying in this thread - these feelings sprouted so much in me back in the day when I was active in the Final Fantasy fandom. And it is sad that I've basically given up on trying to *have* good friends all because of fucking elitism that comes up when people refuse to accept people into their circle of friends because they weren't around at the best and worst of times - there will continue to be bad and good times, so deal with it, and stop being such a bitch.

Okay, that last paragraph wasn't really meant for anyone in this thread, either The 27th Evil or Jurhael, so I should save it for a new Pit thread or something. I do realize where The 27th Evil is coming from, it's just that I've been having the same issues that the Stalker Girl has had for so long. Cherish the memories you have with your old friends, but don't ignore new ones just because they haven't been around for as long.

[Jurhael]

Whoa...why did my name get dropped here, Kushiel?

Just wondering, because that threw me off.

I've always been a loner, so my friends are few and far between. I'm content with that.

[Rilchiam]

27th, I can tell from your posts that you're angry and frustrated with Charmed Freak. And I fully understand why. But, I think you need to work out some of that frustration before you can do what needs to be done.

I get the impression that you'd like to go off on her really good. And that might seem like it would make you feel better, but in the long run, it might not. And it probably wouldn't get her to back off, either: it would probably inspire her to call you even more often, in an attempt to "work this out". And, it might hurt her to the point where she'll feel that she has to take revenge.

You've also mentioned that you have additional pressures, besides the situation with CF. Would it be feasible to postpone talking to CF's mom until after you've discussed whatever it is you need to discuss with your parents (the thing that's gonna "shake them up a little")? "One crisis at a time", I like to say. And it's probably going to be difficult for you to be cold-blooded about this problem while you've still got your own issue hanging over you.

In any event, you need to keep firmly in mind that this is not a "battle" that you're going to "win". (Not putting any words in your mouth; just noting that this is a common pattern.) The only way you can get her to leave you alone is to fix it so that she gets no satisfaction from pursuing you.

--------------------------------

I'm not sure anyone's gone over this point by point, so I'll do this now.

1) You have two IMs. Re-route everyone else you know to one of them, telling them the other one is now inactive. CF can still try to reach you on that one, but you won't know because you won't be using it.

2) Get a second cell phone, but keep the old one active. Give the new number to everyone except CF. She can call, and leave voice and text messages, but you won't know because you won't be using that phone.

3) Tell anyone and everyone (roommate[s], SO, fellow committee members, dorm advisor, whoever) that you have a stalker, and that under no circumstances are they to give out any info about you, or relay any messages.

4) After your talk with her mom, don't respond to her in any way. Gavin deBecker says, "If you tell someone fifty-six times that you don't want to talk to them, you are talking to them. If you take the fifty-seventh call, that just tells them that it takes fifty-seven calls to reach you."

5) And pass this on to Cheer Bear and Funkster. You need to present a united front, or she'll deflect her attentions towards one or both of them. Incidentally, are you her primary focus, or is she doing this to all three of you?

[Sisyphus' Stone]

Whoa...why did my name get dropped here, Kushiel?

Just wondering, because that threw me off.

I've always been a loner, so my friends are few and far between. I'm content with that.

That's just cold, mate, cold.

Reach out a loving hand to the marginalised, touch Kushiel, reach out and touch.

Don't be cold.

[The 27th Evil]

She's getting all of us- Cheer Bear the worst, because she actually still lives with her parents.

And I have a day after the discussion with my parents, so that might work better. After my mother went off on her while I was at work last summer, she did just that- I had three e-mails from her within an hour.

It's sad, really.

[MaddyStrut]

I agree that you should tell her that you no longer wish to be friends. Wait until the time is right if you're dealing with your own issues now, but you should tell her.

I know you don't want to hurt her, but the fact is that you're hurting her now by avoiding her. I've been on both sides of friendships that have ended. It hurts a lot to hear that someone you consider a friend doesn't consider you one anymore. But it hurts a lot more to have the "break up" process drag out over several week.

You don't have to be cruel about it and list a million reasons why she's not worthy of your friendship. If she asks why or says "it's because of my disability," just respond that you've grown in different directions, and you wish her well, but you don't consider yourselves friends any more.

[kushiel]

Whoa...why did my name get dropped here, Kushiel?

Just wondering, because that threw me off.

I've always been a loner, so my friends are few and far between. I'm content with that.

Just random - I spent a good amount of time a few years ago trying to make friends in the FF fandom and admiring people active in the fandom like you. I know *that* sounds stalkerish, but it isn't as if I went look for addresses or emailed obsessively or anything. I'm not saying you are a part of the elitism of that fandom that reminded me of the OP, but when you watch someone from afar, you really don't know them, and that elitism seems ever more apparent.

I've had run-ins where people have advertised a mailing list on another mailing list, and asked to join and been told 'sorry hon, it is only for me and my friends' so my bitterness abounds.

I don't find many people in fandoms on boards like the SDMB, so I'm pretty amazed when I do see one. Of course, it makes me look stupid when I try to bring fandom into it.

[kushiel]

And I've been pretty out of line in this thread - sorry about that. I just get talking when I find a topic I care about.

[MelCthefirst]

27th you keep hinting at something else you have to deal with and tell your parents - could this be the real reason for your OP?
Did you want someone to ask you about it?
Also - just because the three of you are very close, doesn't mean you can't let in new friends. Your reasons for not liking her don't seem to have anyting to do with her not having a long history with you.

[CrazyCatLady]

Ahhh, the joys of dealing with someone who desperately wants to be your friend but has absolutely no concept of boundaries or social conventions. It's even harder when you genuinely like (but are genuinely annoyed and frustrated by) the person in question.

My freshman year, I made a friend like that in the dorm. She was and is a terribly nice person with really good intentions. She just had very, very little concept of boundaries and the idea that other people had different priorities from her. The first Valentine's Day that Dr.J and I were dating, she turned up in my room wanting help with her chemistry homework, and stayed, and stayed, and stayed, through my changing clothes, explaining that he was on his way over, through me leaving the room to go check him in, and would have probably stayed all freakin' night if we hadn't just point-blank told her that we wanted to exchange gifts now, and would prefer to do it without an audience. It just honestly never occured to her that we'd rather spend Valentine's Day alone and making out than studying chemistry with her. She never knew when to leave, and she never knew when to shut up (when I'm thoroughly sick of hearing about your stupid cat already, you know it's pretty damned bad), and she had an indifference to subtlety that astounded most of the men we knew.

If my roommate said I wasn't in the room, she came in and looked around to make sure I wasn't hiding from her. Sometimes she'd sit there and wait for me, sometimes she'd go to my buddy's room to see if I was there. If I went home for the weekend and planned to be back around six or so, she'd call at 5:15, and 5:30, and 5:45, and 5:55, and 6, and 6:10, until I got in. She'd do this even if she'd been promised repeatedly that I would call her when I got in. I'd walk into the room, and my roommate would insist that I return the calls right now, OR ELSE.

It got to the point where I'd have to hide from her to get some of my work done. In order to get one particular paper written, I had to go hole up in someone else's dorm room. I felt bad about avoiding her, but she never took "No" or "Shut up" or "Go away, I'm trying to get some work done" seriously unless the windows rattled when you said it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by yelling at her, because she really is a sweet person and I enjoy her company most of the time. Besides, saying things that upset her always made me feel like I'd been kicking a puppy.

Time, counseling, and getting more stuff in her life to focus on have helped her immensely. A lot of her problem, aside from the lack of social skills, was paranoia. She was always afraid that people were gossiping about her, or actively avoiding her. That's why she couldn't just accept that I wasn't hiding behind the door to avoid her, she always had to check that I actually wasn't there. That's why she had to keep calling, and calling, and calling, to reassure herself that I wasn't just not calling her because I didn't want to talk to her. A lot of people had treated her very badly growing up, and most other people had been indifferent. When somebody was actually nice to her, she was simultaneously desperately grateful and suspicious that we were fucking with her. The combination made her want to be with us all the time, partly because it felt so good to be treated like a worthwhile human being and partly to reassure herself that we weren't messing with her. Of course, that kind of intensity tended to drive people away, and that just intensified the paranoia and subsequent reactions. It's taken a lot of work on her part, but she's gotten past most of that now, and she's doing much, much better.

There's hope for the "stalker" in the OP, but it's going to be a long, rough road for her.

[Dangerosa]

Of course, that paranoia becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

She becomes so annoying that people ARE avoiding her. They ARE gossiping behind her back (because how can you NOT say "She may be nice, but she doesn't know when to leave" to your friends).

And, because she checks constantly, she is going to catch you. You really are in the room and won't take her phone call, because she sees you leave your room right after she called. She hears you say she is annoying, because she "happens" to meet you after class just in time to overhear it.