Gay marriage opponents: We concede defeat

[Hamish]

Alas, the day had to come. We just can't take it anymore. It's time to admit you were right all along. Everything you said about the dangers of legalizing same-sex marriage were true.

In the three and a half years since the Netherlands legalized gay marriage, their society has crumbled. Amsterdam, reduced to a fiery wasteland by flames and brimstone and plague-bearing angels, learned its lesson first. When that meteorite hit the North Sea Reclamation project, there could be no more denying it. Please, call off your God and make the earthquakes, tornadoes, and hurricanes stop, before anyone else dies.

And what about poor Belgium? Who would have thought that after only one year, Belgian courts would force every citizen to marry their sister, a dog, a budgy, and a corpse? You did. That's right, and we refused to listen.

I write now from the rubble of what was once Canada. Just as the Homosexual Conspiracy(TM) hoped, the birth rate dropped almost instantly to zero. Now, homosexual press gangs hunt down the few remaining heterosexuals for extreme conversion therapy. What have we done?

And like you, I watched the photos on the news of the horror that was once Massachussets, where society unravelled in a record-breaking three days, and now the whole state is populated by illiterate hunter-gatherers, stalking wild animals among the ruins of Harvard.

We should have known. You tried to warn us. I guess a lot of us hjust thought that Western Civilization was more resilient. And now our great civilization, founded by the ancient Greeks, built up by emperors such as Hadrian, producing such great creators as Michelangelo and Oscar Wilde -- now it has all crumbled.

Now we humbly submit ourselves to the forces of the conservative Christianity, which has been a force for peace and order since Creation.

[Eve]

And what about poor Belgium? Who would have thought that after only one year, Belgian courts would force every citizen to marry their sister, a dog, a budgy, and a corpse? You did. That's right, and we refused to listen.

[choking on tea] Brilliant!

[jayjay]

I write now from the rubble of what was once Canada. Just as the Homosexual Conspiracy(TM) hoped, the birth rate dropped almost instantly to zero. Now, homosexual press gangs hunt down the few remaining heterosexuals for extreme conversion therapy. What have we done?


Oh, come now! We know what's really going on up there (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp05162004.shtml)!

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Oh, the horror, the horror! Here in Massachusetts, it's Civilization in ruins (http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2004/05/18/civilization_in_ruins/)! Desperate hetero refugees are flooding across the border into New Hampshire. They mill about at the borders of New York, Rhode Island and Connecticut, wondering whether those states, too, will succumb to the tide of homocratic forced marriage. Meanwhile, howling mobs of civil unionistas are marching upon the Commonwealth from Vermont. Where will it all end?

[Munch]

Where will it all end?
I dunno, but whatever it turns out to be, it'll be fabulous!

[cher3]

And like you, I watched the photos on the news of the horror that was once Massachussets, where society unravelled in a record-breaking three days, and now the whole state is populated by illiterate hunter-gatherers, stalking wild animals among the ruins of Harvard.


Why do I have the feeling that significant number of gay marriage opponents would see this as a good thing?

[Eve]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?

[Czarcasm]

[choking on tea] Brilliant!
Please remember that you are posting in The BBQ Pit.
It was fucking brilliant!

[Master Wang-Ka]

Jeez.

Thanks a lot.

Now, I've got this horrible postapocalypse scenario running around in my head... kind of like the original Planet Of The Apes, except that instead of apes, we've got the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy...

[Weirddave]

Jeez.

Thanks a lot.

Now, I've got this horrible postapocalypse scenario running around in my head... kind of like the original Planet Of The Apes, except that instead of apes, we've got the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy...
[Chuck Heston]

DAMN YOU! You dressed it up tastefully, with matching accessories!

[SPOOFE]

What a great setting for the next Road Warrior-esque movie... Fag Max!

[Miller]

What a great setting for the next Road Warrior-esque movie... Fag Max!

They already made it. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109045/)

[Hamadryad]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?Hey, if someone legalizes polygamy, I'm all about it. :D

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal? :: bashful blush:

Um...... would I do? Not too much wear and tear visible, a wry sense of humor, and I'm gainfully employed.

Of course, two horses and eight cats are part of the package.

:: waiting hopefully ::

[Binarydrone]

Hamish, I heart you <3

[Dragonblink]

*RUNS to the head of the line to get down on one knee and propose to Eve*

[Billdo]

Of course, two horses and eight cats are part of the package.

Damn. I knew that they said legalizing gay marriages would lead to legalizing polygamy and bestiality, but I didn't realize it would happen so soon, and both together as well.

[Yeticus Rex]

Please remember that you are posting in The BBQ Pit.
It was fucking brilliant!
Well then......I'm bringing the fucking pie......

[misstee]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?



:::: dims the lights and gets down on one knee :::



Eve, will you marry me?

[Shade]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A64467-2004Mar16.htmlI think we can all agree with our president that gay marriage is a grave threat to America, because if it weren't, our president would not have this issue to flog and might lose the election, and then who would protect us from being murdered by poorly shaven individuals from Middle Eastern nations?No, wait. That can't be right. The reason gay marriage is a grave threat to America must be that if we let gay people marry, the entire hallowed institution of marriage will be disgraced. No one will take marriage seriously anymore. Pretty soon the American divorce rate will start approaching 50 percent, and the sanctity of the whole process will be compromised, with pop stars getting drunk, married and annulled all on the same weekend. And then, before you know it, people will take marriage so casually that romance and passion themselves will erode, couples will no longer care about how they look to each other, and America will become a nation of people waddling around with keisters the size, texture and pliability of weather balloons.

Oh, wait.

[vanilla]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?

I would like to propose; you have such the sense of humor.
However, our marriage must remain celibate.
You are free to accept or reject this offer.
(I want to be a stay at home mom though, okay?)

[Derleth]

Applause (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177428).

Really. Great OP. Sarcasm is a good tool, when used in moderation.

:D

[Paul in Qatar]

Sarcasm is a blunt tool, most especially in writing. Further is it rude to make fun of the truly-held beliefs of those who disagree with us on political matters. Opinions are after all opinions and sarcasm rarely changes opinion.

On the other hand, the OP was really great. Well worthy of publication.

(I also like the Gay Planet of the Apes idea.)

[detop]

I'm speechless, what can I say ? Bravo Hamish.

[Miller]

Sarcasm is a blunt tool, most especially in writing. Further is it rude to make fun of the truly-held beliefs of those who disagree with us on political matters. Opinions are after all opinions and sarcasm rarely changes opinion.

Oh, that's reeeeal insightful. :rolleyes:

[Paul in Qatar]

That is exactly what I'm talking about.

[Jenaroph]

Sarcasm is a blunt tool, most especially in writing. Further is it rude to make fun of the truly-held beliefs of those who disagree with us on political matters. Opinions are after all opinions and sarcasm rarely changes opinion.Truly held beliefs? "Gay Marriage will cause the end of civilization as we know it"? C'mon, of all the reasons people cite to oppose gay marriage, that's up there at the top of the Most Hysterical Breathless Notions list. It ridicules itself, the hyperbole is already there.

I don't think anyone even claims it's in the Bible, that's how wacky it is.
On the other hand, the OP was really great. Well worthy of publication.

(I also like the Gay Planet of the Apes idea.)I agree completely. :D

[Esprix]

Get your hair products off me, you damned dirty homo!

Esprix, caught up in things

[TVeblen]

I've been waiting for someone to take responsibilty for soaring divorce rates, high taxes in Mass. and those danged 17-year locusts. Blech.

But you still have some 'splain' to do about global warming, inflation, Martha Stewart, the Trilateral Commission, tapeworms, lousy televison, circumcision, the proliferation of SUVs, L. Ron Hubbard, road rage, asteroids headed toward earth, rude service people, rude customers, tsunamis, spammers, crackers, Ebola virus, Jonathan Edwards, fat, HMOs, every political party, drought, blight, music fascists, impacted teeth, stupid ads, food poisoning, plate tectonics, Carrot Top, viral immunity, innacurate astrologers, blunting Occam's razor, famine, pestilence, death and all those icky things that swim up one's pores (or more sensitive regions, if one is of masculine persuasion) so common in warm fresh water.

Veb

[detop]

Veb, you forgot the heartbreak of psoriasis :p

[Oy!]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?

Eve, I know others got in there first, because I didn't see this until now, but pretty please? I'm straight, but for you I could learn! After all, I have had a spouse with breasts and girl-type naughty bits before.

BTW, I'm willing to take EddyTeddyFreddy and vanilla as well; i don't know the others well enough, but what the hell? But I can't be the only one working; I just don't make enough to support us all in the style to which we'd like to be accustomed.

Oh, and animals are fine, but NO kids.

[Annie-Xmas]

[b]Eve[b] if I was forced to marry any Doper, it would be you. However, I'm holding out for ET's Cojo. I have such a thing for that gay guy.

[Czarcasm]

Applause (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177428).

Really. Great OP. Sarcasm is a good tool, when used in moderation.

:D
I don't care if this is the BBQ Pit, calling me a tool was uncalled for, and if you have a problem with my moderation you can go pis.....what?

Oops, sorry-I forgot to put my glasses on this morning.

[Emily Litella]Nevermind[/Emily Litella]

[TwistofFate]

on the other hand, the boradway production of "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I want to get off" would be fabulous..

[Kalhoun]

And what about poor Belgium? Who would have thought that after only one year, Belgian courts would force every citizen to marry their sister, a dog, a budgy, and a corpse?
Heh. He said "budgy." Heh.

[Kalhoun]

Okay, if I'm going to be forced to marry another woman . . . Dopettes? Anyone? Do I hear a proposal?
Oh, Doll-baby! You know you'll always be my girl! C'mon...let's ankle down to the justice of the peace and do this thing!

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

BTW, I'm willing to take EddyTeddyFreddy and vanilla as well; i don't know the others well enough, but what the hell? But I can't be the only one working; I just don't make enough to support us all in the style to which we'd like to be accustomed.

Oh, and animals are fine, but NO kids. Hey, no problem! All eleven of us are fixed, so there's no danger of miscegenation. :D

[tdn]

And like you, I watched the photos on the news of the horror that was once Massachussets, where society unravelled in a record-breaking three days, and now the whole state is populated by illiterate hunter-gatherers, stalking wild animals among the ruins of Harvard.

You say this in jest, but have you ever been to Harvard Yard on a late Friday afternoon?

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

Beautiful, Hamish!

Daniel

[tdn]

Of course, two horses and eight cats are part of the package.

All I want to know is WHAT KIND OF SICK CARRIAGE ARE YOU DRIVING?!?

[Genghis Bob]

[b]Eve[b] if I was forced to marry any Doper, it would be you. However, I'm holding out for ET's Cojo. I have such a thing for that gay guy.

Cojo is gay? :eek:

Gee, who'dathunkit?

[ShelliBean]

I've been waiting for someone to take responsibilty for soaring divorce rates, high taxes in Mass. and those danged 17-year locusts. Blech.


Do you people just not see that the cicadas are the punishment for this abomination? The cicada plague, people, the cicada plague. Be afraid.

Oh, and Eve? I am a knocked up single gal just waiting for someone to make an honest woman out of me.

I would like to say the the couple on the front page of everything - that first couple to get their license - is a friend of a friend and I would like to also say that having seen the blonde with no shirt on - he is cut like a marble statue. Mmmmm.

[theR]

Planet of the Apes? I was thinking more along the lines of Strange Brew.

2051 A.D. Ten years after World War 4.


Lucky for me I'd been off-planet on vacation at the time of the war.
There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked, so
I spent most of my time looking for beer. One day I was out looking
for a nice place to build a city for my children when I spotted a
mutant in the forbidden zone. I landed my vehicle to pursue and
destroy this genetic freak before he could warn other mutants in the
underground caves. I was kind of like a one man force, eh, like
Charlton Heston in Omega Men, did you see that? It was a beauty.

[tdn]

I would like to say the the couple on the front page of everything - that first couple to get their license - is a friend of a friend and I would like to also say that having seen the blonde with no shirt on - he is cut like a marble statue. Mmmmm.

How dare you? He's a married man!

[JRDelirious]

Get your hair products off me, you damned dirty homo!

"The Forbidden Zone was once fabulous! Your people made it tacky."

"We cannot do that! The Lawgiver himself said it: Queer shall not Out Queer!"

[Priam]

and I would like to also say that having seen the blonde with no shirt on - he is cut like a marble statue. Mmmmm.

Pictures? For the love of God, pictures! :eek: I command you!

[ShelliBean]

Sorry - the only pictures are in my mind. Plus it's been a year or so since then.

Also - I don't want to imply I have any intimate knowledge of him. First, I'm a girl. Second, I was just at the same club as he and it was hot. Damn hot. So lots of people had on tanks or were shirtless. Well, except for me. My tits would have grossed most of the boys out.

[Hamish]

*blushes red with all the praise*

Wow. I almost didn't post it. I didn't think it was any of my best work by far :o

[kung fu lola]

Oscar Wilde said; "Sarcasm is the asshole's wit."

But then, Oscar Wilde never got to read Hamish.

[Shodan]

Gay marriage opponents: We concede defeat

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alas, the day had to come. We just can't take it anymore. It's time to admit you were right all along. Everything you said about the dangers of legalizing same-sex marriage were true.
Can we still date?

Regards,
Shodan

[Dante]

I write now from the rubble of what was once Canada. Just as the Homosexual Conspiracy(TM) hoped, the birth rate dropped almost instantly to zero. Now, homosexual press gangs hunt down the few remaining heterosexuals for extreme conversion therapy.
HELP!! My co-worker, Mark Down (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=257121), is wandering about the office with an squirt gun full of white zinfandel, demanding I come out of the photocopy room!

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

All I want to know is WHAT KIND OF SICK CARRIAGE ARE YOU DRIVING?!? Oh, just a simple little chariot (http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/l_p_swepston/Freyja.htm), that's all. Wanna go for a spin?