A tale of self pity & woe

[js_africanus]

Hi. I've made no secret of my pathological fear of attractive, unattached women. This is a problem because I am attracted to women and not men. Were I homo- or bi-sexual, this problem would be amelieorated to at least some extent, if not completely; but, I'm not, so it isn't.

This has been vexing me for the last few days—well, it's been vexing me since puberty, but it has been on my mind for the last few days—because this past Saturday I went to have a gyro & a Guinness, or two, at a bar not too far from here. It's a bit of a hike from where I actually live, but as I told my sister that I'd get her mail, and since I needed an excuse to get out of the house, I came to town.

So I go to the bar and as I walk in I see the waitresses standing there chatting. One turns and stares at me. I say hi, and she does so as well. I walk by and take a seat. The other waitress takes my order: A gyro & a Guinness.

The waitress who I noticed on the way in is, for all intents & purposes, beautiful. Indeed, that's how I would describe her looks if someone said, "Is she good looking?" She keeps walking back and forth past me as she goes about her duties, maybe giving a Mona Lisa smile now and again, or maybe I'm nuts.

After a while she stops and asks what I'm reading and I tell her. And we chat for a minute or two. This happens a few times. Then I have an epiphany: I recognize her, and I think I know from where. So I ask her if she was in a class my sister taught at the college? Yep. Now she remembers why she recognizes me: I proctered an exam for sis a while back.

She's a math major—very sexy—having studied it for three years at university and is taking business to be more versatile. She'll finish her degree in math after getting her B.S. in business this July. We chat some more as she goes back and forth, and after a few Guinness and a few hours of reading, I head to my sisters house to get her mail (and end up watching Harry Potter on television).

I can't stop thinking about her. Yesterday I go to the same bar to have a gyro, 'cos I really like gyros, and she's working again. I had hoped as much, she said she works most days. She recognizes me and invites me to sit where she & the cook are killing time. She sits with me a couple times and stops to chat now and again as well.

I want to ask her out, but I can't. I freeze up completely. It used to be that I wouldn't even be able to talk to her, so I guess I've loosened up a little over the years; but, I'm still unable to go beyond chit-chatting. I've always had this problem. You could probably count on one hand the number of women I've actually asked out (they pretty much all said no). What success I have had, which has not been very much, was not the result of any conscious effort on my part. When the frat was paired up w/ a sorority, we might have a party, planned or otherwise, with the same group of women every weekend—hence, one didn't need a "date" to see the same person and get to know her. One time a party across the street was broken up and as I walked home, a girl I had seen around campus just followed me upstairs and into my bedroom. Another asked me out and took me to bed because, she said, I had looked in her eyes instead of at her chest.

So that's where I'm at. I'm smitten by this girl. But I'll never be able to do anything about it. I've been in this situation so many times and I can never generate the wherewithall to even ask for a date. It is so frusterating to be paralyzed like that. It really is like a nightmare, when you are scared shitless and can't run, except that I'm scared shitless and can't talk. (I can't even dream about women because I get so frightened I wake up. Monsters don't bother me.) It makes me wish that a jet engine would drop off an air-liner and land on me.

I'm not asking for advice because, let's be honest, I'm not going to take it. (Unless it's "get roaring drunk," in which case I might end up following it.) Nothing is going to change. It sucks.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

[ioioio]

You're a guy, right? (I always thought you were, but your first paragraph really confused me.)

And I know you didn't ask for advice -- how about an idea? Can you get your sister to help you out? Your sister could go to the bar with you, and after a good conversation between all of you, your sister could casually invite the woman for dinner sometime. Of course, you would be at the dinner too. It wouldn't be a "real date", but it would be a start.

[twickster]

Og, I'm so glad I'm not a guy. I get to hang out and wait for "him" to ask me out -- which, BTW, it sounds like your waitress friend is waiting for.

Unsolicited advice: swing by towards the end of her shift and see if she wants to go out for coffee after work.

[Sengkelat]

My sympathies. I have similar problems; when I'm attracted to a woman I suddenly have nothing to say. It bites.

However, since it's easy to give advice from afar, how about writing your phone number down on a piece of paper (or a business card, if you have one) and just handing it to her? Requires no conversational skills. Might be terrifying, might be awkward, but it should be fairly clear. Might help to get roaring drunk beforehand, but I can't really say for sure.

Best of luck!

[Giraffe]

I know you've said you're not going to take advice, but I'll offer some anyway:

Ask this girl out.

Just say "would you like to go out some time?" or "would you like to have dinner with me?" It doesn't have to be smooth. It doesn't have to be natural. Just say them. She'll be charmed by any nervousness, and flattered that you asked. She may say no. But...she may say yes.

Just asking will be an accomplishment of bravery that you can look back on when you're old and know that you lived your life and took chances and went after what you wanted. If you don't ask, it'll just be another in a million "maybe she liked me, but I'll never know".

Make yourself do it. You'll be glad you did.

[Tusculan]

Despite you not asking for advice or following, I still say that you have to remind yourself that it really is worse not having asked, than to have asked and to be rejected. I dare to say so since I've often enough been rejected, and subsequently hated that stupid saying. They're two different kinds of hurt, but the latter at least has something concrete instead of a vague longing, and doesn't involve mentally hitting yourself over the head for lack of courage.

Furthermore asking is the easiest thing there is: it is entirely riskless. If she doesn't like you, nothing you say will change her mind so it doesn't matter what you say. If she does like you, she will accept an offer (or at least let you down gently) no matter what you say, too. So you don't need to worry what to say, just say something.

I know what I said in the last paragraph is incorrect, but that's the lie I tell myself to muster courage. :p

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. And remember, if you don't ask her, you deprive her of a chance to get to know you better, which would be really selfish of you. You're doing her a favor by asking, nay, even stronger: it is morally incumbent upon you to ask her.

[cichlidiot]

That is a difficult situation. I've bolted under similar circumstances, and though I think the turmoil of wondering what might have been outweighs the turmoil of feeling petrified, it doesn't ever really feel like it to me at the time. I feel for you. Having said that, I do like Sengkelat's suggestion. Having a card handy when your tongue isn't might help. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you.

[TwistofFate]

dude. ask her out. no pain, no gain. you can do it!

[Chairman Pow]

Unsolicited advice: swing by towards the end of her shift and see if she wants to go out for coffee after work.

I always thought it was odd to ask a waitress out for coffee. I am reminded, however, of a time my friend asked a waitress out for coffee, and she agreed, but they realized that the only restaurant that was still open was the one they were at...

Anyway, good luck JS.

[Cerowyn]

Alright, I'll be a bit more practical with the unsolicited advice. What part of rural Michigan do you live in, js? It might happen that if by the middle of June you haven't asked her out, I'll come by and kick you in the ass. ;) That, or take you to her place of work and be the obnoxious friend who asks her to go out with you and won't take "no" for an answer.

[Toddly]

Lots of men have the same fears you describe. That would include me, but as others have said if you don't try it won't happen. You realize that even if you ask and she declines you still have the satisfaction that you overcame a personal fear. To me that's important. Do it tomorrow :) Good Luck

[Really Not All That Bright]

Always remember that you are way more ridiculous to yourself and your friends than to perfect strangers.

At the very least, she'll be flattered... and keep in mind that all of us are usually too nervous to ask out a truly beautiful woman, which means she gets asked out a lot less than you think.

Besides, win or lose, we'll be here to cyber-pat you on the back when you pull your socks up and ask :)

[Oy!]

js (hope you don't mind the informality), what's the worst that could happen? If she turns you down, how are you worse off than you are now?

BTW, if she does turn you down, listen carefully to what she says and how she says it. Sometimes people really do have prior commitments, regardless of how much they might want to accept an invitation. And you already know that this girl enjoys chatting with you.

[Salem]

IANAGuy and really am glad I've never had to do the asking. I'm sure I would be just like you and would never have had a date in my life. Ok, that's not very encouraging, sorry. It does sound like she's interested in you, though. I can't imagine she would have asked you to sit in the "help" only section otherwise. That meant she knew where you were, could stop by anytime and you weren't available to the other patrons in the bar. If you proctored an exam, and your sister is a professor, she probably sees you as being "someone" and is probably thinking "there's no way this guy is interested in me." Quite seriously, she probably thinks you're out of her league, but is putting the feelers out just in case. Of course I'm inferring a lot from a little info you gave, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.
Is there a local event or movie you could start talking about? If she starts saying things about being interested in it and you don't hear anything about her going with someone else, that would be a really good sign. Would you be comfortable then easing into saying something about thinking about going on a certain day? And if she still sounds interested, maybe say, well it'd be great to see you there or something like that. In other words, ease into a situation where you'd end up meeting up with her, but it's not a real "I'm asking you out on a date" thing.
See, I'd really suck at being a guy. But I would definitely go back to that restaurant. Who knows, maybe she'll end up asking YOU out!

[Shade]

Hi. I've made no secret of my pathological fear of attractive, unattached women.Yeah, I'm terrified - they attack in mobs whenever I go outside, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I get torn to pieces :cool:

Seriously, go for it. I'm not saying it'll work - it probably won't - but you have to try, she certainly likes you, so it's just a matter of 'as friend' or 'as beefcake'. Why not invite her - and the chef as well, even - to something getting to know her a bit better. Then you have something to build on when you ask her out. You're already chatting to her, so you can probably work in something without asking out of the blue.

[VunderBob]

NO woman will go out with you if you don't ask.

Let's say you have a 10% chance of getting one to go out with you. You have to ignore that you were turned down 9 times before that one date happened, but that 1 date makes the whole situation worth it. I'll also bet that you'll do better than 1 in 10 of getting the date.

You have to look past the fear of rejection to the joy of acceptance.

As much traffic as there's been about pickup lines, the best one is always the honest one, not the cutesy/trite/"I'm trying to be cool" ones. Like posted before, try to catch her at the end of her shift, and say something to the effect of: " Look, I'm nervous doing this, but I'm attracted to you. Would you like to get a ... <cup of coffee, a Coke, a sandwich, etc.>?"

[ParentalAdvisory]

Yesterday I go to the same bar to have a gyro, 'cos I really like gyros...


I have the same problem.

[js_africanus]

That, or take you to her place of work and be the obnoxious friend who asks her to go out with you and won't take "no" for an answer.
Can a person actually die from embarassment? I get the impression this is no idle threat.

Well, if Lisa (from bjj) wants to work on throws tomorrow, that'll put me in town on a Saturday afternoon, and probably I'll be in the mood for a few Guinness if not a gyro. Maybe I could play Drugstore Cowboy and get a Fistful Of Xanax.
Never put a hat on a bed.

[jlzania]

Leave her a note!
Seriously, I think a little written missive to the effect that you become a sniveling lip-locked wienie when you met a beautiful smart woman and would she please call 555-1234 if you can take her out to dinner might be effective.
Being of the female persuasion and all, I would have been highly flattered.

[lachesis]

you're really over-agonizing the whole prospect here, js.

you don't HAVE to ask her out, you know.

you just need to keep talking (intelligently) to her.

discuss movies. ask what she's seen already, particularly if you haven't seen it. tell her about something you've seen that she hasn't gotten to yet. sooner or later, you're bound to run into something that neither of you have seen. if you've managed to map out similar tastes in viewing entertainment, just maybe it will strike someone as a nifty idea to go see this unknown element. together.

and if taste in movies proves incompatible, substitute restaurants. or music. or books....

hopefully, you get the idea.

[Shade]

NO woman will go out with you if you don't askWell, it's pretty bloody rare. But it's not like I've NEVER been asked out. I would never expect it, so for all intents and purposes your statement is true, but it's not absolutely true.

[Cerowyn]

Can a person actually die from embarassment? I get the impression this is no idle threat.Oh, have no fear, I can be all swavey and de-boner with the best of them, when I'm working on someone else's behalf. :D

I'm thinking a fistful of Xanax with a few Guinesses would be a bad combination. I'd stick to the Guiness, if I were you.

[ultrafilter]

I used to have the exact same problem. Even thinking about asking a woman out was enough to make me choke.

I overcame it, though. How? Simple: I just kept asking women out. It's a winning scenario--either you get a lot of dates, which is good, or you get rejected a lot (like me), in which case the pain of rejection starts to dull.

The key is to not anticipate too much. The more you build it up in your head, the more of a Big Deal it becomes, and that's bad. Just do it.

[js_africanus]

hopefully, you get the idea.
I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I've been good friends w/ more women than I can count—literally, I tried this weekend. Despite the fact that I had a thing for many, if not most, of them, nothing ever developed.

Well, Lisa & I were not able to do any throwing this weekend, so I didn't have an excuse to go into town and I wussed out. That's the problem: I can intend to take good advice in this arena; however, when push comes to shove, I'm unable to actually follow it.

I have to go to the hospital tomorrow, so maybe I'll be able to swing an early lunch and drop by on the way. (And chicken out. :P)

[Dante]

Here's my story, FWIW:

I've always had a problem when it comes to "crunch time". I'm a good conversationalist, never had a problem finding things to talk about. I'm not considered too repugnant. Back in university, I had a massive crush on one girl. Harboured it all year. We had pretty much everything in common, always had fun when out with a group, and she was hot hot like Haagen Dasz.

At the end of the term, I finally got up the courage to ask her out on a for real, official-like date.

She said no.

And the very first thing that went through my head after she said no was "Well hell, that wasn't so bad".

And it wasn't. We still conversed, still had a good time when out with a group (after she realized I wasn't going to be "weird" about it), and she was still hot. Just not for me.

After that, it got a little easier to ask women out. Some said yes, some said no, but it is by no means the worst thing that can happen.

[danceswithcats]

Hockey great Gordie Howe put it best:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[jastu]

I'm not asking for advice because, let's be honest, I'm not going to take it. (Unless it's "get roaring drunk," in which case I might end up following it.) Nothing is going to change. It sucks.

Please, please don't approach any girl roaring drunk. Not a good look even if it does give you some dutch courage.

[js_africanus]

Please, please don't approach any girl roaring drunk. Not a good look even if it does give you some dutch courage.
What do you have against the Dutch? No, get drunk as in getting drunk, not to hit on someone. Then I really would die of embarassment—the next day.

[js_africanus]

So I went to the bar yesterday, before going to the hospital. My sister had a thingie removed and is in the hopsital for a couple of days, and I thought I'd stop for some food before going to visit. Hopefully, though probably not, I'd get the inspiration to ask this waitress out.

Driving along the block downtown I see no parking spaces. This is not uncommon, so I swing around for another pass and I see the perfect parking spot...being taken by some woman. Okay, I give it another whirl and get second best parking space relative to the bar.

I go in. She's working. "Hi," she says and turns back to what she's doing. It's packed in there. There is only one booth open, and it's not even under a light. I sit down and look up—she's right there. "Diet coke, right?" Yes. "Do you want a menu, or do you know what you want?"

"I think I'll just have a gyro," I say. "I love those things."

"Me too," she says.

She delivers my pop. "Got a new book?" This is my third book in three visits. I say that I've been working on this one for a while, but I keep getting distracted by other books. She's better looking than I remember; evidently she short-circuits my brain because I can't recall an accurate image of her in my head.

She stops and checks on me and chit-chats momentarily as she goes about her job. "How's the gyro?" she asks.

"Great," I tell her. "It's the only good gyro I've found in Michigan." (and that includes Greek Town).

"I know," she says. "The first one I ever had was here, and then when I had one someplace else, it was like 'yuck,'" as she makes a sour face.

"Yeah, like McGyros," I say. She agrees and walks off.

To my left is a booth of three men, to my right are two women. Too crowded. I can't have an audience if I'm going to try to not let down all those Dopers. I check my watch. I came in at 12:20pm, which means that if I take an hour lunch, then most these people should clear out before I leave.

Who's that guy?! He's smiling at her! I can't compete with that guy. She comes up to the table he's at. "Are you guys doing okay?" she asks. "Mumble mumble" they reply. She walks off. Okay, she didn't talk to them, I hope that's a good sign. I notice a lot of heads turning as she goes back and forth. It's like watching the audience at a tennis match.

I've finished my food and I'm trying to concentrate on reading, hoping that the crowd clears out. The table with that guy clears out. The women to my right clear out. The men to my left look like they're going to clear out, but they're not doing it. Uh-oh, it's my check. Six dollars and eighty-something cents. Crunch time. These jerks won't vacate and I can't handle the embarassment of being that guy shot down by that hot waitress. I pull out a twenty and set it on the bill right in front of me, not intending to settle up just yet. Uh-oh, she's reaching across the table to take it. One of those guys next to me clears out. She comes back w/ my change.

As smooth as sandpaper I say, "Um, I was, um, wondering, um, if, um...well, um, I was thinking, er, that, um, maybe, er, um, well, do you think, um, that, er, well, maybe, um, well, maybe, um...." I take a deep breath, "That you might, um, like to get together sometime?" As I say it, I cringe as though I'm about to be struck by a falling piano.

"You mean, like, go for a cup of coffee?" she asks.

"Yeah!" I say. She's brilliant.

"Why don't you give me your number," she says, "Because I work all different ."

Okay. I begin to panic. Oh! I pull out a business card. "Here's my day-time number." As a second thought I add, "I can write my home number on the back."

"Okay," she says and hands me a pen. She walks off to attend to a customer. I attempt to write my number. My hand is shaking so badly that it looks like a five year old's handwriting. I can barely form the numbers. Then I write js above it. [i]Idiot!!! My fucking name is on the front of the damn card!!! "Doi," I think in Shego's voice as I mentally smack myself on the head. So I write "home" between js and the number. Frankly, I don't even know if I got the number right—for all I know it could be an old phone number from college, my SDMB password, or "911." I get up and she comes over and takes the card & pen. I try to make a joke...(Stop it, Fool!! Quit while you're ahead!! You're making an idiot of yourself!!) I say goodbye and exit.

Outside, my hands are shaking so bad I can't steer the car. I almost get into a wreck because of it.

That was yesterday.

[Dante]

WOOOHOOOO!!!!

::does the js_africanus has a date dance::

Good for you!

[Shade]

WHOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOOO! YESYESYESYESYESYES! Well done! Sounds promising... I think you're over the watershead now. (Might still not come to anything, but I'm betting it will. And you've proved you can do it :))

[Salem]

Good for you, js! You will tell us when she calls, right?

I just love living vicariously...

[Tusculan]

Excellent!

[ultrafilter]

It sounds good for you. And if nothing else, you managed to ask her. That's the hard part, and you're done with it. Isn't it nice?

[neuroman]

Who da man? Who da man? YOU DA MAN!!
Keep us posted. :D

[look!ninjas]

You go, boy!

[Giraffe]

You rock. No matter what happens now, you are already a badass. You are the guy with the nuts to ask out the hot waitress. This puts you in the top 1%, nut-wise.

[Shirley Ujest]

YAY!

I love it when a Homie from Meeechigan overcomes his paralyzing fear of good looking women. I love it even more when they share their deepest, darkest fears with 10,000 of their closest dopers and then jump into that swirling vortex of crushing panic to ask the Good Looking Girl out and then post the outcome here.

You da bomb! I mean that most sincerely.

Naturally, since you have started this, you will have to fill us in on every detail of The Date and subsequent dates.

Your life is now like a Pringle: we just can't have one installment. We want the whole tube. that's sounds dirrty.

[Shirley Ujest]

Hockey great Gordie Howe put it best:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Nothin' like a great quote from the man known as Mr. Elbows.

[twickster]

Ha! Chairman Pow thought my "ask her out for coffee" idea was stupid -- and what happens? You say "would you like to do something sometime" and she says, "like coffee?"

I feel completely vindicated here.

And, oh yeah, really happy for you that you had the guts to just go for it.

But mostly vindicated. :D

[Toddly]

More applause from this corner. It sounds pretty promising. It has been a long time since I have had to do that yet I still rememeber just how hard it is to overcome. Good Luck

[John Carter of Mars]

Congratulations! :)

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Brilliant! That' so cool. And I bet that whatever happens, you will feel better for having asked.

Btw, maybe this is stupid, but could someone please enlighten me and explain what a "gyro" is? Just so I can picture the scene. :)

[js_africanus]

And I bet that whatever happens, you will feel better for having asked.
We'll have to wait and see.

Btw, maybe this is stupid, but could someone please enlighten me and explain what a "gyro" is? Just so I can picture the scene. :)
Gyro (www.recipes.co.nz/everyday/lambgyro.html)

[cichlidiot]

This puts you in the top 1%, nut-wise.

Seconded, glad you did it!

[js_africanus]

Despite my hopeful wishes, I haven't heard from the aforementioned waitress. Having to go babysit the sis 'cos she's still recovering from surgery, I was in town again. (Worth noting that sitting at the bar and reading while drinking is one of my favorite things to do, and there aren't many places around here where I like to do this.) On Saturay I decided to take the book down and have a couple Guinness while reading.

She was working. She had her back to me and so I took a seat and opened my book. The other waitress took my table. The waitress who has smitten me stopped and said "hi" once or twice, but didn't chat. It almost looked as if she was trying to not even see me there—though I don't claim to be a good judge of that sort of thing.

I was secretly hoping for some divine inspiration or some despair-generated strength; however, a paralyzed tongue and acute anxiety were my only friends that day. I'm sure I came off badly...c'est la guerre.

I know the optimist will say to keep trying, and that maybe she's shy, busy, or forgetful. I hate optimists. Too bad I left a hat on the bed this weekend. How do I cancel that bad mojo?

[js_africanus]

I love it even more when they share their deepest, darkest fears with 10,000 of their closest dopers....

Your life is now like a Pringle: we just can't have one installment. We want the whole tube. that's sounds dirrty.
You asked for it:

I had to run errands for work yesterday and drop some photos off w/ sis, so I was in town again. Driving through town I began playing superstitious games like Am I Superstitious and What Sort Of Sign Would I Look For If I Was. I really felt bad letting down those supportive Dopers, though for all I know all but five of you could be really slick AI programs or something similarly solipsistic.

There was a close spot to the bar and it was lunch time and I was hungry. So I went in. She was there again, with a customer. So I sat down. She came up and apolgetically said, "About Saturday, I was really...out of it," or something like that.

"Yeah," I said, "I was really tongue tied. I get that way sometimes."

"Me to," she said.

It went much better. At the end of lunch I gathered up all my courage, which isn't much when it comes to goils, and, hoping to sound funny or at least slightly amusing, I said, "Hey, we should get together for a cup of coffee some time."

"I said I'd call you!" she said.

"I know," I replied. She went on to talk about how busy she is (single mom, student, employee) and I mentioned that my schedule is quite flexible. She said she'd call when she got the chance.

So there it is. She's bogged down & busy—or so she says! The wait is going to kill me.

[ultrafilter]

Sounds like things are going your way.

[Dante]

::still doing the "js_africanus has a date" dance, but getting tireder...::

Seriously, admitting you were tongue tied was exactly the right thing to say.

[twickster]

Yup, sounds like the first post-phone-number-exchange encounter was about mutual shyness -- and sounds like she really will call.

twicks, hoping she's considered among the non-slick, non-AI personae

[js_africanus]

twicks, hoping she's considered among the non-slick, non-AI personae
Sorry. The only Dopers I've confirmed exist are the ones you can see here (boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=4917610)

[Tusculan]

I am one of those slick AI programs, and my neural network tells me to write the following:

it doesn't go as smoothly as the movies, but I agree with the other posters that you still seem to be doing well. You come across to her as exactly the person you are, gentle, a bit shy, a good guy, and she seems to like that. I'm glad you manage to continue on your chosen path, with the encouragement of us nosy dopers.

The wait is something you unfortunately cannot avoid. Write poetry or something, but don't show it to anyone because it will probably suck (people in love are usually not good poets). And don't push it; I think you've gone as far as is proper, if you ask again without some good reason, she will feel pushed.

[Dante]

Sorry. The only Dopers I've confirmed exist are the ones you can see here (boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=4917610)

Pft. No AI program could ever do the "js_africanus has a date"TM dance. At least, not as well as I do. Why, it's practically a Turing test staple, it is.

[lavenderviolet]

Wow, from the tone of the OP I never thought you'd actually ask her out. It sounds like things are going in the right direction. How exciting. Keep us posted. :D

[twickster]

So, js, got anything you want to share?

[Small Clanger]

Cultural divide?
How to describe this? If I'm off work during a weekday not in holiday season, and go to do some shopping or errands during work time, when most folk in paid employment are at their desks/workstations/lathes/steering-wheels and kids/students are safely behind school walls. There is a whole 'nother type of life going on in which the words urgent, schedule and deadline do not figure and absolutely nothing has to be done now. The maximum level of urgency is some time today.

So here I am on my day off with my list of chores (tax the car, buy shoes, pay bills blahblah...) zipping between these people living in their total. . .lack. . .of. . . urgency. . . world like one of those aliens-who-move-so-fast-they're-invisible off Star Trek. Mostly it's mums with baby buggies and retired folk with the occasional house-husband (yes they exist my brother is one). I'm not passing judgment (well trying not to) but there's this whole vibe of dawdling and indecisivness. Usually if I've got something to do it will be in a work context where one is expected to get it done in a timely manner "Oh I bumped into X and we stopped off at Pret-a-mange for lunch" doesn't work as an excuse when you miss a release build.

What I do when I go to buy shoes: I go to a shoe shop, straight to the shoe shop, do not pause to chat/window-shop/snack, pick a pair of shoes, try on shoes, buy shoes, total transaction time 15 minutes. On to the next task... the only time I'm not getting something done is when I'm in a queue. This modus operandi does not change just because I actually have all day to get my stuff done.

Is it just me? Does anyone else see a division in society here?

[Small Clanger]

Oops! Sorry js and everyone that's supposed to be a new thread :smack:

meanwhile js it all over now? :(

[js_africanus]

So, js, got anything you want to share?
Not really. She hasn't contacted me, and the last few times I've lunched there she hasn't been there. I don't know what else to say.

[twickster]

Bummer.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Bummer.
Isn't a first date pretty early to be thinking about doing such a thing?

Seriously JS good for you, do you think it would be easier asking out a girl next time you tried? (from a fellow sociaphobic klutz).

[js_africanus]

Seriously JS good for you, do you think it would be easier asking out a girl next time you tried?
No.

[twickster]

Bummer.

[js_africanus]

Bummer.
Yep.

[Tusculan]

Sorry to hear this.

You're right, things won't go any easier next time. Don't hesitate, though, to post about it here so we can nag you again until you do ask the girl. :)

[TwistofFate]

Now for step two: Stalking.


seriously, don't let one hurdle knock you out of the race completely. no man who proudly wears a Spam hat would let one setback stop him.

keep the head up.

[js_africanus]

seriously, don't let one hurdle knock you out of the race completely. no man who proudly wears a Spam hat would let one setback stop him.
I had to eat a lot of Spam to get that hat. Unfortunately I don't have the organizational skills for stalking.

[SolGrundy]

Eh, I don't see what's so bad. Look at where you are now: you're not with the woman you've been crushing on. You know that you got up the nerve, took initiative, and asked her out. There were no explosions, sounds like there weren't any fistfights or big emotional displays of crying. You didn't have a heart attack while asking, and she didn't laugh in your face.

Look at where you were before: You weren't with the woman you've been crushing on.

Seems like a net gain, there. Congratulations! The hardest part of the whole business is just getting over your own issues, because that's the only part you can control. You've already done the hardest part.

[js_africanus]

I've been there to eat a couple (or a few) times since you last heard from me. Saturday my dad asked me to get some flowers (www.wrightgardens.com/Site/Plants/Annuals/Begonia/cocktail_begonia.htm) for him, Cocktail Vodka® begonias (www.tmacnurseries.com/images/product/thumb/VODKA%20BEGONIAS.JPG) to be exact, which involved me driving through town since he was too impatient to wait until they came to the local branch of the greenhouse on this upcoming Thursday. Why he goes for the Cocktail Vodka and not the Cocktail Gin is beyond me, but there is no accounting for taste. One thing I do know for sure is that every asshole in Michigan comes up here in the summer just to clog up the roads and driving to, and through, town on an afternoon weekend is a royal hassle. So I am definately going to stop and enjoy a couple Guinness & some food while reading a book and, hopefully, scoping one of my current dreamgirls. (The odds are high in that regard, since there are two to five adorable cuties working there, depending on your tastes.)

However! the adorable cutie that I'm particularly interested in is there. She is facing away from me, doing something work related, as I come in. I don't want to interrupt, but I don't want seem like I'm snubbing her, either. So I just give her a gentle tap as I go by and see that the booth I would most like to have isn't available, so I turn around and think, "Not that one, it's wobbly," and go to the next, up where the wait-staff get drink orders, and sit down. I look up. She's there.

"Diet Coke?" She asks.

"Guinness," I say. "It's a weekend." She smiles.

"Do you want a menu?"

"Um...yeah. I think I do"

"I'll order that Guinness and be back."

"Cool."

She brings the menu and I search. She brings the Guinness and I order a burger. "Do you want cheese? Make it a cheeseburger?"

"Sure."

"American, Swiss, provolone, Meunster, Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?" [Okay, that last one is from a Monty Python Sketch.]

"American."

"Okay."

She submits my order and goes about her business. I go about trying to read a Lemony Snickett book. She's very distracting. She stops and says "hi" again.

"I got my schedule," she says. "I have a double on Saturdays, so that leaves some time or other free on Sunday since O. [her daughter] won't be with me. Do you think you'd be able to get together for coffee then?"

js jumps like a terrier with its eye on a doggy treat.

She say's that she'll be talking to me....

[twickster]

Woo hoo!

[LilyoftheValley]

Oh, I'm so glad I didn't find this thread until now! I couldn't handle the suspense. Hooray for you!

[little*bit]

Does that mean yesterday or next Sunday???
If it's not till next Sunday, can I come & spy? I'll be happy to write up an unbiased report for all us busy bodies who can't wait to hear about your great adventure into asking scary attractive women out. I promise to let you have final approval of the text before it's posted... :D
just kidding. no one wants a perfect stranger hiding behind a menu watching their dates like a zany sitcom.

[little*bit]

<slight hijack> Where on earth did you find a decent gyro??? (restaurant name, please.) I promise not to stake it out like a birdwatcher waiting to catch a glimpse of the mating habits of some rare species. I just want a decent gyro. <end hijack>

[flamingbananas]

Man! This is like a romance novel.

[js_africanus]

Does that mean yesterday or next Sunday???
Don't count your studs before they've dated.

It was this past Sat. that the above took place, and at that time she said that she'd be in touch w/ me. So, I'm still in Limbo, even though it may be one of Limbo's better neighborhoods.

I'm not so sure I should divulge the location. I may regret it.

[little*bit]

You could just tell me a city, or general area & I'll hit every bar in the area looking for it.
Or, you could e-mail me the name & swear me to secrecy on pain of death...

I just want some decent lamb. :(