...you might be a redneck.

[radar ralf]

If your car has more than six Dale Earnhardt stickers, you might be a redneck.

If your cousin works in the oilfield and ever got a new pair of boots, a case of whiskey, or a new shotgun from a drilling mud salesman, you might be a redneck.

If you live in Lousiana, Oklahoma, or Texas and commute to work in Alaska, you might be a redneck.

(No fair using any material from Jeff Foxworthy)

[voguevixen]

If your truck has a sticker of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truckmaker, you might be a redneck. ;)

[radar ralf]

heh, heh...uuuuuh... hey, wait a minute!

[Oat Willie]

If you wear your best straw hat when waiting to git your car towed out of the rivermud, in case the tow driver's one o' them there lady tow drivers. :)

[radar ralf]

By The Way - 'The Derailers' rock!!! Oops, my crimson cervix is showin' a leetle bit ... but serious-like, folks, run raht out and find yore own self a copy of "Reverb Deluxe" and listen to the that thar track called "California Angel" - if'n that don't get ya rockin', yore way too far gone to save!

[Wood Thrush]

you become a high ranking government official and then have sex with an intern.
you honestly don't know what fully–mowed grass looks like.
you complain that "them there varmint teachers be learnin' my suhn Ollie that no–good eeviloushun!"
you have so many chilren you've lost count — ten children!
you keep your rifle with you at all times, just in case someone discoveres your moonshine plant.
you regularly use phrases like "hoof it."

[phouka]

You have to take off your shoes and pants to count to 21.

[Fanny May]

If your tracktor always gets fixed and never your dogs.

[funneefarmer]

- You drive the tractor, the one with the umbrella on it, to church on Sunday.

- This is your third senior trip.

- You and your 17 classmates are counting up all your teeth in the cotton candy line and come up with 25, for the whole class. (Nods to the folk in Brookfield NY for that one and the following gem...)

- Your school was so poor they made the kids make their own PBJ sandwiches. (I'm not kidding about this one being true, of course that was the early 60's and the graduating class was just over a dozen)

- Your butt crack is twice as long as the soggy cigar butt in your mouth.

- You have to plug in the block heater before going to work.

- You bought new rims and next year you might be able to afford the tires.

- That smell isn't the cows, it's you.

-You've been dating you girlfriend since your father got arrested and mom said she was looking for someone new.

-Your idea of formal wear is a colored t-shirt with pockets.

-Your workboots cost more than your pickup.

-You don't bother cleaning the tobacco juice from the side of the pickup.

[Fillet]

[slight thread hijack]

REDNECK ETIQUETTE

PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
--------
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

[/slight thread hijack]

[vanilla]

If you are married to a guy, and his brother lives with you, and your having an affair with the brother.....
(a couple who used to live next to us) true!

[Devil In Disguise]

You might be a redneck if you think the south is a sophisticated place to live.

[Iguana Boy]

Bikers back down from your momma

You've ever shot a racoon - inside your house

Your grandma has been asked to leave a bingo game due to her language

Someone in your family has ever said "C'mere and lookit this afore Ah flush it"

You mow your lawn and find a car

There is a sheet hanging in your wardrobe

You have a home that is mobile, and five cars that aren't

You think the last words to the Star-Spangled Banner are "Play Ball.."

Your four year old is a member of the NRA

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A"

None of your zippers have all their teeth either

[bibliophage]

You might be a redneck if you ever put a "Lost: Mule" ad in the newspaper. I swear to got I saw that ad in the paper when I lived in W. Va.

[bibliophage]

You might be a redneck if you ever put a "Lost: Mule" ad in the newspaper. I swear to God I saw that ad in the paper when I lived in W. Va.

[ThisYearsGirl]

Your grandma has been asked to leave a bingo game due to her language


Haha! My Italian great grandmother was kicked out of church bingo for cursing the people who won.

[handy]

Youve been married three times & still have the same inlaws.

[dook]

- You have to plug in the block heater before going to work.


Forgive me for this... but what does that have to do with being a redneck? I thought block-heaters were a cold weather thing? I thought there were -fewer- rednecks "up nort"? Am I wrong? AGAIN?????

[tracer]

Maybe funneefarmer means an engine block heater.

[funneefarmer]

Yes, that's an engine block heater. It's in reference to diesal trucks and tractors. He!! yes we've gots plenty a rednecks in these parts. I've tested positive on more than a dozen of those allready mentioned.

[GreenEyes]

If someone yells "Ho-down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor...

[Spoke]

You know, someone sent me an email forward one time entitled "You Might Be a Redneck Jedi if..."

It was pretty damn funny, so I came up with a few of those on my own. Here they are....

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI...

[list]
When Luke found out that Princess Leia was his sister, you didn't see that as such a big obstacle to their budding romance.

As a break from your Jedi training, you and Yoda went frog gigging.

When your Millenium Falcon makes the jump to light speed, you can never resist the urge to yell "YEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!"

Your comment upon being taken to the Ewok tree house was, "How do y'all even see the deer from up this high?"

You don't give a damn who the emperor is...Elvis is still the King!

At the Cantina one night, Chewbacca beats the crap out of you after you drunkenly ask him, "Hey, boy....What are you, a pointer or a setter?"

For you, it is a point of pride that Darth Vader refers to your group as the "Rebel" forces.

You are Luke's brother, Bo Skywalker.

Your biggest gripe about your Jedi robes is that they interfere with your casting.

The first time you heard somebody say "Chewbacca", you misunderstood, and passed them your pouch of Red Man.

Your ass is hairier than a Wookie's.

You have such a big beer belly that your friends refer to you as "Jabba the Gut".

Darth Maul has better teeth than you do.

Every time you bank your X-Wing fighter, all the beer cans on the floor roll to one side.

While Luke Skywalker's family farm was wiped out by imperial storm troopers, yours got flattened by a tornado.

Every time you belch or fart in public, you grin broadly and say, "Boy, the Force is strong in me today!"

[Spolvy]

This is almost along the same line...Thought y'all might enjoy this...

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D&C...................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series............World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................I knew it.
Outpatient............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............A paternity test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.

[radar ralf]

spoke- and Spolvy: ROTFLMAO!!! almost sprayed the screen with cheetos!

[Kricket]

Can Pagans play too?

You might be a Pagan redneck if you address the lord and lady as bubba and sweetchecks.

The four quarters are marked by four different colored broke down pick-up trucks.

Your alter doubles as a beer cooler.

There is a whole list, but those are the ones that I remember. I gotta get that list!

[tracer]

Oh! You mean, your altar doubles as a beer cooler!

I was wondering what them Good Ol' Boy Pagans would be "altering"....

[Gilligan]

From another website:

Your Starship Captain might be a redneck if...

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.
That shuttle is called "Billy Joe Bob".
He paints flames and puts a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
He installs a set of bull horns on the front of the saucer section.
The sensor array is repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

[whattheheck]

You might be a redneck if you have a big sticker on the back of your shitty truck that says "REDNECK"


and yes i have seen idiots with that

[Chefguy]

If you live in Wasilla, Houston, or Big Lake, there ain't no "might" to it!

[CanvasShoes]

Yes, that's an engine block heater. It's in reference to diesal trucks and tractors. He!! yes we've gots plenty a rednecks in these parts. I've tested positive on more than a dozen of those allready mentioned.
?? I'm a former Alaskan, and that's what we called the device that was installed on your actual block. There are oil pan heaters, and water "blocK' heaters, AND engine block heaters.

The engine block heaters, installed on the actual block, rather than the oil pan, or in the water line part, were considered the most desireable.

[Fionn]

There is a whole list, but those are the ones that I remember. I gotta get that list!

I've seen a list like this! I don't have the link anymore, but one of the signs was "Your cakes and ale are a Pabst and a Moon Pie."

[Khadaji]

If your truck has a sticker of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truckmaker, you might be a redneck. ;)Or to combine two of the posts we've had so far to show the sticker I saw yesterday: Calvin peeing on a rival NASCAR car. The car had a number 8 on it, and I assume that is the number of a famous driver.

[ColonelDax]

Can't remember where I came across this one, but here goes ...

Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: A good ol' boy throws his empty beer cans in the back of his pickup truck, a redneck just throws 'em.

[Chefguy]

A gentleman says "Oh, really?", a redneck says "No shit?!"

[Kizarvexius]

You might be in Redneck country if...

The sign on the restaurant door says "Shirt and shoes appreciated."

This one's for real, folks. Saw it with my own four eyes.

[Snooooopy]

From another website:

Your Starship Captain might be a redneck if...


... you've ever heard him yell, "The Prime Directive can KISS MY ASS!"
... he has ever routed the broadcast of a demolition derby through the deflector dish.

What Web site are you quoting from, by the way?

[amie]

If your guest bathroom is painted Budweiser red and decorated in beer cans and pictures of Dale Jr (Especially true if you live anyway close Charlotte, NC).

[HeyHomie]

My mother-in-law came up with this one based on something she actually saw outside of Viburnum, Missouri:

If you've ever gotten out of a funeral procession to stop and get beer, you might be a Redneck.

And I came up with this one, based on something I actually saw outside of Aberdeen, Mississippi:

If you've ever gone shock fishing in an aluminum boat, you might be a Redneck.

[Cub Mistress]

If all your brothers are named "Bubba," you might be a redneck.

[brianjedi]

Or to combine two of the posts we've had so far to show the sticker I saw yesterday: Calvin peeing on a rival NASCAR car. The car had a number 8 on it, and I assume that is the number of a famous driver.

That would be Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

[Cyn]

Snooooopy!
I just about died! The prime directive!!!!

[Smeghead]

... you've ever heard him yell, "The Prime Directive can KISS MY ASS!"
... he has ever routed the broadcast of a demolition derby through the deflector dish.

What Web site are you quoting from, by the way?

Considering he posted that FOUR YEARS AGO, I wouldn't hold my breath for an answer.

[WILLASS]

If, when you introduce your wife and your mother, it is the same woman.

[Snooooopy]

Considering he posted that FOUR YEARS AGO, I wouldn't hold my breath for an answer.

Huh? Oh, wow, hadn't noticed that.

Then again, he is a charter member, so he obviously wandered back to pony up his $4.95.

[amie]

All the posts from the first of the thread to Gilligan's up are dated as May 30-31, 2000... Maybe the hamsters need a nap? :confused:

[kid40]

What does a redneck use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.



What do you call a 30 year old redneck female?

Grandma.

[kid40]

What does a redneck use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.



What do you call a 30 year old redneck female?

Grandma.

[Argent Towers]

Q: What do you call a brain-eating zombie at a NASCAR race?

A: Hungry

[Der Trihs]

Q: What do you call a brain-eating zombie at a NASCAR race?

A: HungryA post about zombies to a zombie thread ?

[Czarcasm]

Doin' the Zombie Stomp.